Say..You're Not Trying To Ignore me Are You?

Originally posted on "The Box" blog on Friday, August 12, 2005

Yoooo...Hoooo...Homewood Health Centre

Points To Ponder:
I would not want that Administration spending one minute worrying about how "dangerous" I am. All I am doing here is exercising my right to express my own opinions as provided for me in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. ( for as long as we still have one I mean) Being highly educated, I am sure you know all about that. Just to reassure all the pillars of the community further, I have notified the Police Service of my Site address so that they can monitor me closely, daily if they wish, for any signs or symbols of "madness" which may indicate that I am a danger to myself or others. Then again, I suppose that what constitutes "a danger to others" is open to interpretation also isn't it?

As for you folks, sometimes, the threat to your safety and well being is not outside the building, trying to get in, but inside the building "with" you, disguised as a victim/rescuer but with a hidden agenda of domination. Perhaps such people would stand out from the crowd much better if everyone else wasn't so enthusiastic about dominating others as a solution for humanities problems. As has been true for the last dozen years, the public keeps me informed, daily, of all the latest news coming out of Homewood and the University, true or false, altered or embellished, delivering it's assessment and evaluation of each news item, while chain gossiping all over the city and beyond. This of course, is understood by the experts involved in my fascinating case, to be my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations. But this is "confidential," so don't tell anyone now.

If anyone "found out," it might affect my life in some negative way...Sometime in 94, a psychiatric nurse whom I will call "Pale Duck" (not his real name) responded to my questioning letter which asked him what he thought he was doing, or what he wanted (if anything) in relation to me, by placing his mystifying response on my table in Homewood dining room when he brought a patient down for lunch. (I call him "Pale Duck" for several metaphorical reasons. We nuts are like that you know. Some of them are: He is a white guy, a quack nurse, who likes to "duck" responsibility, he speaks his own "secret" language which only the birds of his particular feather speak when they flock together, he is quackers, and now he has landed himself in a big pot of duck soup!
Some of us nuts understand metaphor as well as, if not better than, the quack nurse.) But I digress. Back to the dining room scene. The response he wrote was short, abstract and cryptic, followed by the word,"Sorry."

I showed it at the time to an Asian co-worker who was seated there with me at the time; Soo Kee Ting. I had already told her I was getting strange mixed messages from him. As she read it I said, "See. This is the kind of thing I get back from him in answer to a question. He won't explain himself but he doesn't just go away either...He is trying to stay connected to me for some reason but I don't know why. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I asked as Soo Kee read it and then looked at me rather puzzled. In 99, I found out what It meant. It was part of a little ''test,'' a little ''game.''

The purpose of his answer was two-fold:
1. As a little test, had I known what it meant, the nurse would not have kept his ''game'' going as it would have meant that I was a member of his ''superior'' group who already understood this ''fun'' before it ever began.
2. It is the punch line of his "joke/game" delivered near the beginning, but after the "joke/game" is well under way, so that I would have to look back through time to become aware of his planned but hidden agenda of domination. By then of course, it would already be too late, and the damage would be done. Now everybody laugh, and show us all those inappropriate affects of yours. All this damage caused to me and everyone else is the "hilarious" part of all of this. So, I was ''assessed'' by experts as ''delusional and paranoid'' because I ''thought'' I had this problem with this nurse at Homewood doing this to me, as I correctly assessed the situation for myself and as I later proved it in 99. He was also being enabled and supported by a group of his co-workers who then involved a large group of participants throughout the rest of the community.

This was before A.C.T.T. was even officially in place. Despite the proof and concrete evidence, the ''game/joke'' was denied and the evidence suppressed by the pillars of the community and the damage to me was left intact. In fact, it has been allowed to grow substantially since then. If this had been done to you and twelve or thirteen years after the ''game boy'' started it you were still fighting for the truth, for real resolution, for justice and to regain control of your own life, while being controlled, evaluated, threatened and stopped, by those who did it in the first place, do you think you might feel frustrated and angry? If you were then told that your anger wasn't real anger, but just the result of a chemical imbalance in your brain, do you think you would feel more or less angry? If your anger, and even your attempt to talk about it to anyone was used as an excuse to drug you, or to threaten to take further action against you, what would you do then?

Is "Pale Duck" ( not his real name) proved right then? The constant reality being pushed by all the righteous controllers is the notion that "really" there are no victims. Yet the Police service still seems to think there are victims. They still have a division called: Victims' Services. Perhaps that is because the police are all schizophrenic, bi-polar or depressed. Should we drug them all? Or should we just get them all trained by the same organization which trained nurse "Quackers" (not his real name) so that, like him, they also will not know the difference between the meaning of one word and another? Then they too can understand that there is no right or wrong, like nurse Quackers does.

If we can get Police co-operation with this it will save a lot of money for taxpayers, for once we are made aware there are no victims we will then also know there are no aggressors. Since that is the case, there is no need for a Police service at all is there? For then there are no real problems only perception/reaction problems, and we all know who takes care of that don't we?

Following this line of logic we can then all believe that life has no real meaning and we can then conclude that the inner push of emotion which seems to be an attempt to wake us up from that mindless trance is really just a brain disease. Therefore we should really all drug ourselves to block that as quickly as possible. After all, we don't want to have to feel bad do we? Why feel bad for even a minute if we don't have to? Let's eliminate all the feelings we don't like.

At the end of all this, I think "elimination" is probably the appropriate word to use since that seems to be where we are heading; Self annihilation via the verbal annihilation of any meaning in life or human existence. On the other hand, perhaps if we can just "let" the attempt to eliminate meaning "go" by giving up our collective anal retentive nature, we will finally be able to clean "It" out of all our systems. Please allow me to help YOU now. Feel free to call me by my new Apollonian priestess name which I have given myself in the service of Psychiatry: The Most High Colonic

Has Pale Duck proved his ''superiority'' to all by proving to himself that life is just a game made up of winners and losers? What do all the rest of you THINK, about It? As I have stated since 1995:
I want the truth brought out into the open.I want a REAL investigation.I want the opportunity to confront my abuser in front of witnesses.I want a public apology which will be as well discussed as the public circus that was made of my life by your public assessment of my fascinating "case" which has excluded ONLY me as the "subject."
I want amends made to me: real amends. I want compensation now, which I did NOT want even up to 96, after the breakdown, for my losses.I want the speeches you like to make on ethics translated into action, indicating you actually understand your own words.I want to know what it's like to feel safe in my own life again rather than being the object of an arms length, covert assessment based upon the deliberate act of my abuser and the resultant public hysteria. Most of all, I want appropriate action taken (whatever ''appropriate'' turns out to be) with the psychiatric nurse from hell who started all of this in the first place, with his little ''domination game'' all those years ago. Are you getting It yet?

Let me put it to you in the appropriate lingo. One way or another I want you to have the understanding. (which as you know can be either positive or negative) A NEW understanding which will come from Paranoid Patty here. As I told the Administration many years ago, "I'm not fifteen, am I?"

Think of me as part of that collective Spirit many of us perceive ourselves to be when our consciousness is altered....like a god or goddess. In my case, that would be the goddess, "Nemesis": goddess of Justice and Divine Retribution.Just a little psychiatric humour for you.

You must admit; that employee of yours sure does know how to play a great "joke" doesn't he? Hope everyone there has enjoyed the public entertainment value of It as much as I have.