But first, a definition for you:
"Existentialism: A 20th century philosophy which views the individual as being unique and alone in an indifferent and even hostile universe."
My personal belief is that the isolation and hostility part of this is something created by human beings, consciously, sub consciously or unconsciously, and not something created by "the universe" as an abstraction.
This particular "existential" routine was well planned in advance by one self defined mechanical anus, not "the universe." So despite the fact that the charmer at the Library claims "we" like to "blame the whole world for our problems" I do not consider an idiot psychiatric nurse nor an anal judgemental library worker to represent either "the whole world" or "the universe." If either of them do, perhaps they could look up the definition of grandiosity for themselves.
It is the isolation of the victim, as well as the hostility or indifference of the whole group which joins in for no better "reason" than the opportunity to do so has been presented to them, which breaks the victim. It creates enormous, unrelenting pressure to be constantly invalidated and never heard as a real person when forced into such a position.
The "shift" defined in the training is the existential shifting of reality. As it was happening, I told the Comcare office here that I was having trouble staying connected to concrete reality because it was kept shifting on me. Once I was reduced to an object of observation and assessment, I was told not to speak of it. Now, that I no longer own my own thoughts, perception, feelings or even my own voice, I Have been made a permanent object of assessment, and all I say and do, or don't say and do, is "interpreted" for me, by any and all others, including bus drivers, grocery store clerks, landlords, library staffers, bank employees, retired men, teens on the street, and of course, the most "entitled" assessors of them all, the nursing community. BY the way, when I say I don't own my own thoughts or voice etc. that is not an admission of a terrible pathology bubbling up from withing my defective brain. it is sarcasm about being told by others who I am going to be "allowed" to be, what to think, how to talk etc. Hope that is clear enough for you.
For to the assessors, I am no longer a person. I am "the subject," or "the case," or "one of them" and the mental illness profession has delivered this pronouncement, officially, from Psychiatric Mount Olympus. It will be considered inappropriate behaviour on my part to confront anyone involved in this, to attempt to defend myself, to protest the treatment, to define myself, to debate the mental illness machine's grandiosity, to reject the diagnostics, to feel negative emotions, to talk openly, to expect resolution or investigation, or even to expect an admission of guilt or a lousy apology. For this is a covert operation, just as it is in dysfunctional families and all other dysfunctional groups, and as the object of assessment, we are required to agree to pretend that we do not know what we obviously DO know.
If I don't understand how "normal" they are for behaving this way, then that just proves that I am out of touch with "reality." For it is this stupid and profoundly arrogant groupthink which defines for all those who choose to think outside this mind numbing "box" what is to be considered mental "health."
So, I have more questions for you to ignore, so that you can keep all your "secrets" from this object of "interpretation" formerly known as me.
Were the layers of the firm McE and M. aware that I was aware of them sitting and observing me in the Eaton centre food court in 99, after I was forced out of my job again and back into the mental illness system? Or were they "hiding" then?
Which version of me, (using my full name) , did Dr. Blair F. share with charge nurse Sherry B. at the Elliott in 2000?
Did Paula F. and Nancy F. (sorry, don't now her married initial) who work for the Ellington, share their "interpretation" of me and events at Homewood with the staff there? How about the heavily involved Suzanne K.? ( I heard much of the staff got the story of my "madness" on the night shift there)
Did Maureen there share those "interpretations" with Comcare in Kitchener for whom she also works?
Which version of me did Sarah at Riverside Glen share with Sushil from both Riverside and the Elliott? Was it the one she got from Sarah when she got it as a former server at Homewood dining room?
Did you know the patients from the Manor used to discuss all the versions of Dale's tales in the dining room at lunch? Some of them also threatened me with "drive by" shootings and wished that I would Burn in hell as they came up from the lecture theatre also.
Did Pat B. also share those interpretations" of me with her partner, the city cop?
Has anyone noticed that Dales' training points out that the opinions expressed in the group, inside the training, are, in fact, "interpretations" born out of the subjective projections of the individuals in the group's own beliefs into the vague abstract concepts being "debated" apart from concrete evidence or facts? ("You think you now things because you believe them." Jargon) Do you understand that is part of the demonstration of the groupthink and the group contagion?
Did you notice that the group attacks the one who debates the system, or questions it's value or the presumed "superiority" and "brilliance" of the leader who has instructed them that they may not question him or his system?
See any of the mob mentality in this at all?
How about the need to belong and the bonding of the group through exclusion of the "outsider" who threatens the group?
Did you notice the closing of ranks to protect the system and the group, and that it supports the system/status quo?
When bus driver Artie picked up his radio to tell the other drivers that I was the one reading the sign at G.C.V.I. did he think I could see him?
Did bus driver Randy V. fill in co-worker Louis E. on my mental illness? Did Louis E. then pass that along to Comcare Kitchener Supervisor David E. who lives in Guelph and is of the same surname?
Did Dale feel his greatest power rush when he watched me realize my experience with him was NOT a "joke" which included me and that he was doing this for real, "out here, in the world of reality"? (jargon) Was he saying to himself, "Let me see your fear"? (jargon) as I "realized" (jargon) no one would believe me or help me since there were no witnesses to the little chats he had with me? Was he watching me realize he had me "totally controlled"? (jargon)
Is Dale still watching me leave "decisions" "hope" and "help" behind me (concepts and jargon) as I "climb" the ladder of the training he has fashioned for me? Does he smile as I hit the top rung of the "Scale of Experience" known as "sourcing" (jargon) the point at which I am expected to "accept responsibility" (jargon) for "being the source of my own pain" (jargon) for looking for "reasonableness" (jargon) from him?
When I asked him in Homewood 95 if he understood that I could turn his game back around on him, did he really know what I meant then when he responded: "I don't think I understand" to which I answered back on the tapes, "Yes. I don't think I understand also."
Does he understand It now?
Do you all understand that it is the pseudo superiority, the groupthink, the covert operations and the silencing and objectifying of the victim in isolation that allows the power of those with hidden agendas of domination to exist in the first place?
Do you understand that exposing the metaphysics of It and the group dynamic that supports it, dis-empowers It?
Do you think I have legitimate reason to dislike the mocking ridiculing public that has done this to me and who continue to behave the same way, even while they continue to try to hide it?
Will you wake up to reality soon, or will I need to be kept as the target of community contempt and abuse all the way to homelessness which is not all that far off now? ( Don't forget to mock now to minimize all of this. That is part of the effects after all.)
Will you have have supported this so long accept responsibility now for your own lousy behaviour and stop blaming "others" as you so much like to tell "us" is "our" character flaw?
Do you think maybe it's time you put the labelling system and the stimulus response machine that supports that system where the sun don't shine?
Do you think maybe there is a reason why in the analysis of Dale's training the Prof. posed the question, "and what does the sociopath get out of It?
To the several sets of strangers to me who have walked up to within a few feet and then third person-ed me in public by asking each other:
"Why doesn't she just go and tell him?"
1. Go where?
2. Tell whom?
3. Tell him what exactly?
4. What makes you think that I have NOT told a large number of "hims" and quite a few "hers" as well, exactly what this is all about?
Basically, I am waiting for Homewood Corporation to acknowledge me, admit to what they did, apologize to me publicly for it, (since the public circus they have made of my life won't stop or reverse in damage until they do) and make amends including all the financial losses they have caused for me with their so-called "help."
I am also awaiting Emperor Ed's permission to raise my girlish eyes up from the ground, think my own thoughts, and have conversations about my own life, experience, and feelings as I see fit to do or not do, without feeling a team of A.C.T.ors breathing down my neck or asking for "interpretations" of me from my neighbours, so the Corporation can justify further 'treatment." I want the psychiatric gag order officially and publicly removed. You can do it at the police services building any time you want. That way, should I get too rude, or display one of those inappropriate affects of mine, formerly know as emotions, the handcuffs will be right handy to cuff me to the table leg.
Special note to game boy Dale:
You know what power junkie? I don't think you should have to put up with all these fake accusations from a mental case like me. In fact, I wold like to strongly recommend that you call the police and get an official investigation done that will put a stop to me and all my whining bitching and complaining once and for all. Let them see your fear.
Why did my patient assignment in 97 say, " They say you know everything. They even say you now what's GOING to happen, do you?
Was I being "scored" on something as some pople acted out for me?
DID the nineteen year olds in the psych. department at the University vote for psychosurgery for me? (they treated me like I neded it)
Did Heidi M.who lived I the apartment overhead in 95 actually believe that singing is a sing that an anit-psychotic is working? If so, was I given something by someone ? Do you rmember when I said I felt like I was being drugged with something while I was on Liverpool St.? Did they let Dale into my apartment there or not? I want to know. Wouldn't YOU want to know if it were you in my position? Should I be worried that he is still running his game and my current clever landlord is helping him now too?
WAS anyone leaving messages for me using the G.C.V.I. sign to do it? Was that another test? If so, of what exactly? What does Artie the bus driver, involved in this in one form or another since the start, think of that G.C.V.I. sign thing? (I mean other than what he said about it over the bus radio when he saw mne reading it)
In July 23 of 1997 (out of my notes on the public acting out) why did the announcer on CJOY radio say, "Pat wants to hear this; "Everybody's somebody's fool." Was that intended for me? Another Pat? Who' s is "somebody"/? Is there a message in this? or does it just mean, someone named Pat requested the D.J. to play that song? Period.
You see, when there is NEVER any direct genuine communication, and I am bombarded with contradiction and multiple versions of "reality", tests, threats, abuse and assessments by everyone and their uncle, how do I stay connected to a concrete reality I am not allowed to know or ask any questions about in order to clarify it?
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