December 3rd:
The shoe salesman is having a discussion today with the big guy who calls this a 'saga.' The topic is DNA. They're believers in DNA as a problem in others. 'Hope they and all the others in this get this worked out for me soon. As they like to point out to each other; It has been ''a long time.'' Perhaps it is something in their DNA that does not allow them to know the same amount of time has passed with everyone talking to each other about it and not to the only one who actually understands it. This 'difference' and in 'perception' and 'reactions'
they have all manufactured. It blows the mind sometimes. It really does. ''They'' like to say this all happened a long time ago. If so, why are they still involved in it now? Why have they never stopped assessing it and speculating about it themselves?
No one gets anything past her and her boyfriend…har har har.
Bus drivers continue to receive all the latest information and ‘interpretations’ of me and all the alleged ‘hims.’
They googled the “mirror” and there it was!
It’s all there! (here) ‘It’s just amazing!
(If I hear that words much more I swear I will upchuck all over them)
The shoe guy thinks this all happened a ‘long time ago.’ He doesn’t consider his own non stop gossiping to be in the ‘now’ I guess.
December 5: Phrase of the day:
“it’s about responsibility” which is repeated over and over again at various locations around town. It is then ‘interpreted’ as usual with various instant evaluations, usually focused on me and my ‘shortcomings’ (never on themselves or their’s) Gossip gal “D” pumps save mart gal for all the latest information so she can pass it along to bus driver L.L. (a description not his initials)
In malls:
She has lost everything- again. They harassed her on buses and everything. 'He' says he feels like Elmer Fudd compared to her. “He’ is in Ottawa now.
The R.C.M.P. is mentioned again and has been many times over the years.
A former ‘date’ of Dale’s is seen discussing it with someone at a café.
Another round is repeated of ‘he’s her hero.”
(I have no human heroes and there are no heroes in this that I am aware of since I am still in isolation and being personally ignored.)
It is said they told my employer that I needed ‘intensive psychotherapy.’
“’They’ are going to go and see me.”
The word ‘amazing’ has been replaced by some as ‘incredible’ as in ‘there she is; it’s just incredible.’
A Homewood administration person (who ‘frankly did not care’ many years ago ) sees me in front of the Old Quebec St. mall and makes a painful looking face at me but does not speak.
Some residents of my building mock the fact that I go to the library every day and share the opinion of many that ‘that is certainly not going to help anything. Fourteen year olds at the library are sure I am using the w.p. to answer all my e-mail as they have seen me downloading and uploading into it several times in succession (which is true) I keep all my unfinished essays in it as well as the information sent to me by many others which is then organized into completed essays to post on my blogs. I do not use attachments to send to myself anymore as I found that I was unable to download them again so they were quite useless to me to work on.
It has been decided by some of my fellow tenet that I am now naïve (instead of just stupid) and that I would get past this if I just used my head for a change and thought about it for a minute. (Perhaps this one did not have any Homewood staff explain to her that I was ‘just stupid.’ Kind of sounds like Dale huh? “We think but we don’t THINK.” I am going to do a piece from my point of view on her as a response to this ‘thinking’ bit. )What I fail to understand like everyone else is that there is no way Homewood is going to admit to anything so I need to stop being so stupid (or naïve) and keep expecting them to do so.
ON THE STREET:
‘Well what is he supposed to do now?
“What is she trying to do to ‘him?’”
I am also now defined on the mean streets as ‘just selfish’ rather than just stupid or naïve.
Chubby of the Workfare trio mockingly notes the time of my arrival one day to check my e-mail. Some of the gals at the dominion building have kept a running commentary going from behind my back. Luckily, as always, I am too dull witted to notice so I don’t have to react to this condescension since I am unaware of it.
(Try to recognize that these are all the people from who I hallucinated conversations and for which I received my nice label. None of them have done, seen or heard a thing. It is all my imagination.)
''It has been fourteen years, '' points out someone on the street . "I know why he is scared to talk to her. ''
On Tuesday, December the 11th, Another coincidental event occurred.
As I was riding on a bus, at my usual time an off duty bus driver got on at a stop used by a woman who works in the Court Office building and rode downtown. He then got off in the square and wandered around a bit. After I got on my other bus to go home, he got on right after me and he and the driver on that route had the usual buddy style chat at the front of the bus, I thought I heard a ‘doctor’ mentioned and also a repeat of the idea that she ‘gets off and then walks down the street for a way. Coincidentally, right after I got off the bus at my stop, so did the off duty bus driver. His intitials are T.C.
Coincidence number 3. I could not help but wonder who was having my whereabouts reported to them now but I am sure I will hear about it, over and over again, in the mean streets of town, along with any new assessments and opinions that go with it. Of course, this is all just a ‘coincidence’ as all of them are, so I won’t be able to talk about it to anyone unless I want to get risk getting myself some more ‘treatment’ for my paranoid delusions.
December 12th
Heard at the library; he is just like totally smitten man…he says he no longer cares what anyone else thinks he is going to try to have what makes him happy for a change.
(By those who obviously don’t understand that if someone is ‘admiring someone from afar’ that is a ‘symptom’ in the one who is said to be admired and perhaps also in those who ‘think’ such a thing is even possible.
The H3 cleaning lady who got all of the news from some of the nurses on the unit all the way back to 92/93, saw me in the mall and today and spoke for the first time in many years. Must be a new piece of news making all the rounds. Also on the bus, a student was telling some others that they fired “HER” and all the rest of them kept their jobs. Why didn’t they fire the ones who did this? Of course, this is all part of my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions since they all claimed they did nothing.
December 13th. One of the psych students who spoke to me in a patronizing little tone his first year pointed me out to another today and said, “Do you know who that is…? ,as I walked by. What ‘delusion do you suppose I am having now? Is it related to that ‘seeking fame’’ thing?
At the Dominion Building they are asking each other HOW I could possibly know all of that. Many are trying to imagine what ‘he’ is going to say. Will it be, “Oh, Gee, sorry about that.”
A bus driver with the initials TC demonstrated one of the Guelph ‘coincidences ‘ for me. He got on a bus I was on at a regular time and stood talking to the driver. Then we rode down to the square where TC got off and wandered about with other drivers. When the next buses were in and after I got on my transfer, TC got on the same bus and another fare box discussion took place with the regular driver. Repeated over and over in my presence has been the commentary with part of it as follows. “No, she doesn’t get off there or go in that place. ‘She walks down farther’ so I am not sure which building she goes to.” (The part in inside quotes has been acted out in my presence at least half a dozen times and has involved the participation of many of my new neighbours as well who are also giving out information on my movements and assessing the situation and me amongst themselves.) This group behaviour has been taking place for almost fifteen years now and is still denied as those who continue to perform it still consider themselves to be ‘hidden’ from me. I have called this like being stalked by proxy in the past. The ‘diagnosis of that is ‘paranoid delusions.’
After I rang to get off, TC bus driver just happened to get off at the same stop right after me and flowed me up the street. He now knows which building I went into and so now does everyone else who drives a bus and anyone they care to pass that information along to; such as Dale Tuck for example or any of those who were uttering death threats in the past for my ‘attack’ on ‘poor Dale.’
Would YOU feel safe living here if you were me? I don’t.
Let me remind you again of the details of my diagnosis: If I ‘think’ bus drivers are talking about me, watching me, following me around and reporting to someone, this indicates that I am ‘seeking fame.” That’s one ‘interpretation’ isn’t it? Here is another one: it is what it is and it could be accepted at at face value except that psychiatrists are trained to NEVER accept anything the designated patient says at face value. Notice the tautology there? Or are you trying to just ignore that, so you won’t get blamed? (Or sued)
I am said to be ‘very savvy.’
A gossiping woman’s son David says, “He just loves her.” (Possible interpretations of JUST that statement include: WHO loves her”? Is it David or is ‘David’ talking about another ‘he.’ In other words does the “he’ in that statement as used by the gossip refer to her son, or to someone her son is talking about? The point is this: REAL communication depends largely on one to one effort to create clarity and even then, much is assumed by those doing the communicating which is based on each one’s OWN interpretation of meaning which is in turn based on each one’s personal experience. REAL communication takes time and effort and involves a two way system between equals. Without it, it becomes more and more about the interpretation of words than about communicating.
More discussion has taken place amongst the library staff as usual as they work out the meaning of my life FOR me by ‘group consensus.” Hope they get the job done soon. Sure is taking one hell of a long time isn’t it? It is especially long when it all has to be constantly denied. MY former comment about reaching a ‘critical mass’ is being discussed again. Some think we are finally at the point in Guelph at least.
Some wonder how far I ‘would have gone if I had been supported’ and others interpret this differently by focusing on me and putting it this way: Can you imagine how far she might have gone if she had ‘applied herself’? Note the judgments involved in the choice of language. This has much to do with semantics as Szasz has said for decades.
The opinion is often repeated (as it was by bus drivers over their radios for many years) that if ‘he wants to see her, all he has to do is:
(From the past over bus driver radio)
a. come down to the square. She is there every day several times.
Or
b. (now) “come down to the library as he is here a couple of times a day. (Group smiles and of course, this is state in my presence but out of the sides of their mouths so I can’t see them.)
December 18th: Two men discuss how they have been studying me for ten years trying to figure out just what kind of a person I am saying, ‘is she this or that etc. meanwhile she is doing all her own writing explaining it all to them and it turns out to be perfectly obvious yet none of us could see that. She just talks mostly in everyday language yet you can see the concepts she uses in many other disciplines like math, physics or quantum mechanics. This is a problem with people who are ‘experts. I have noticed this myself, (said one of the mean) when talking to experts in many disciplines. They often cannot think beyond their own training.
Donna the mouthpiece and her new friend ‘Andi’ share another covert snotty remark together. Both are convinced that I am unaware of them as they speculate about all the rumours they are helping to crate and spread. That is a steady feature of this. One of the themes is that they will all find out how ‘rich’ I am in January. They wonder if I will get kicked out of my apartment for ‘cheating.’
Some Library staff looks for my phone number. “He can’t find it.” I wonder if it is the gray haired guy who works there behind the scenes whom I have seen talking to the one I call ‘Intrepid’ who looks for it. I also wonder why most of the population of the city is so unaware of personal boundaries. This place is sure a stalkers paradise.
Toe students discuss how everyone here ‘pretended it never happened’ and how ‘she got told to keep her mouth shut and not talk about it.’
“She has opened our eyes to this,’ someone has allegedly stated. Two other students about 19 years old, one male and one female, debate together whether I (they don’t know this is me) am the one who goes to her bank and who ‘has a dominant side and a submissive side,’ and which the female of the pair is afraid of because ‘she hollers.’ Although she says she “can’t imagine HER getting on line.” (This sort of confirms my impression that Mrs. Gatling gets some of my abuse and also I get some of the community abuse intended for HER. We are both being identified it would seem, as the same person. )
The same two then mock a local man who is labeled as OCD. The superior female wonders out loud, “What is THAT supposed to be about?” The pair laugh in that way that ‘superior’ people have, especially the young ho have convinced themselves they pretty much know everything and that those who have lived longer are completely ignorant about life; unlike them. Just then another psychiatrized person gets on the bus at Riverside Glen and the pair have another good time in a winking and poking session with a few guffaws thrown in for good measure.
A couple of older students though, both male this time, wonder what kind of a world we are living in that all of these people know about this and not one of them admits to any of this?”
Heard on the street, in malls and on buses:
“They say the same things on the same day.”
“he” is going to say, “Since you are all alone on Christmas and I am alone too, why don’t we spend it together.”
The psychiatrized people pronounce it a “Christmas love story.”
Bus drivers worry about the passing of time. On Sunday one of them wonders about the rumour: “when would he ask her? It is already the 23rd.”
“They talked about her all the time like she was demanding, controlling and like a drill sergeant. She is nothing like that. It just shows you how far people will go to justify themselves.”
December 26th/07 Boxing Day
A thirtyish woman, (another stranger to me Dr. Badoe) Points me out as I shop for new underwear- ‘That’s her,’ she tells her friend while pointing me out. “It was like fifteen years ago and she is still whining about it.’ (the both laugh with their feelings of ‘superior’ understanding and worth intact as always) I also see Wendy Tomile, a long time ‘that’s her’ person, pointing me out ever so carefully to her friend in Sears. In 1994/95 I was telling Homewood and doctors that this was happening as well as my employers’ office. ‘People I don’t even know,’ I was telling them without ever really being heard, ‘are discussing me and my supposed character flaws or mental illness’ in dollar stores, malls, food courts and on buses etc. It doesn’t matter what I say, I can’t stop them. It has all taken on a life of its own now and I can’t stop it. Of course, I was ‘corrected’ and psychiatrically labeled for telling them so. It has continued without resolution ever since and the fault for this continues for fifteen years to be found in me and in no one else. (This is the ‘infinite loop of dysfunctional relating which is being post now on Patricia’s Razor.)
I was also forced out of my job (an ‘effect’ which was expected by the hospital employee who ‘set me up’ for this attack in the first place; an attack for which I have had concrete evidence for many years now, but which those involved prefer to ignore or invalidate for what should be some pretty obvious reasons. My employer was told that I was insane and that thee was ‘no prospect’ of recovery, so you can perhaps imagine how that affected my job and my reputation as more and more people discussed this ‘eleven minute’ diagnosis amongst themselves; no input from me necessary or wanted of course, for NOW I was officially the crazy woman and they could feel quite free to discuss this more openly. It is widely believed as many of you know, that we lunatics have no understanding of what is going on around us, since that is the premise of our diagnosis isn’t it; the failure to perceive reality like those ‘normal ‘ others who are all convinced they know better. Once it is official, we can be discussed endlessly in the third person from four feet away like we are not there. MY entire life in the community was, and still is, affected in an extreme way of course and I also suffered what I have come to think of as an ‘iatrogenic’ breakdown. This was caused by a formalized ‘schizogenic’ system, which does a whole lot of mimicking of any other dysfunctional group relationship. In fact, all such systems now seem pretty much interchangeable to me.
So, it is true that I am still ‘whining’ about that, (that is quite an interesting minimizing type word isn’t it?) I also expect that I will continue to ‘whine’ abut having my unimportant life destroyed by this mob of know it alls, until or unless there are some admissions, apologies and real amends made, now including some financial compensation which I did not want way back when the damage was only three weeks old. This has cost me plenty and it is not going to be ignored. Nor are those who dictate to others that we ‘can’t blame others’ going to ‘blame’ me for this expectation. What they expect me to ignore or disregard, they, themselves would have hired a lawyer to sue their own attackers without pausing to explain anything to anyone. Perhaps this is because they see their own experience as more real and more valuable then those they reduce to the level of ‘perception/reaction’ problems. What I DID want and still want however, is the right to confront the a**hole who started the whole thing n the first place and I want it done in front of a variety of witnesses.
Maybe we will even get to the point where loudmouthed, ignorant, judgmental and arrogant women like these in the store on Boxing Day will allow it to dawn on them that THEY are among the people doing the damage to my life here. Who knows? Maybe one day they will even manage to connect what they actually do with what I am complaining about. So far though, even after all these years, the majority see no connection at all.
According to the folks in the town square acting it all out for me this week, the ‘party’ (the concrete one allegedly being planned or the metaphorical one being acted out) is now ‘over.’
Anytime you would like to hear more of the non-stop contradictions and multiple versions of my reality, just go out to the streets, malls and food courts and ask almost anyone. As long as they keep themselves deluded that this is all a secret being kept from ME, they will tell you. Of course, you too may have to become one of the thousands of secret keepers so be prepared for that.
Remember though, if you see me, don’t ever communicate directly and always pretend that you don’t know anything. This is vital to the group delusion and to keeping the ‘voyeuristic’ pleasure of Dale T.s’ ‘snuff fantasy’ (‘an eroticization of aggressive impulses’ as Dr. Fenwick referred to it) going to infinite stupidity.
From now on, I won’t be posting a monthly bulletin of the public acting out here. It has already been fourteen years of telling those ‘blameless others’ who don’t want to know, what MY reality is from MY point of view. The point of view on my own life experience is of no interest to them as anything other than an exercise in promoting their own psychiatric fantasy. If this hasn’t penetrated by now, it is never going to, and if it HAS penetrated but they all continue to choose to remain silent about their own participation and worse, to continue to try to cover it up to take care of their own interests, then THAT is clearly about their OWN ‘personality and character disorders’ and not mine for seeing them as they truly are. So on this blog, excepting the explanation of my co-worker protagonist’s so called ‘game’ which will be kept at the home page and following in sequence, I will just rotate the old news going back years for any of those who may be interested.
I am now going to focus on a more direct viewpoint from several angles as shown on Box, (for thinking) Quantum, (for the other psychiatrized people and for emotional expression) Nuts, (for alternative views and news) and Patricia’s Razor for some badly needed local truth.
On the 28th, the locals are taling it over amongst themselves and wondering out loud (from four feet away) what could have gone wrong there?They also continue to share amongst themselves all the gossip they can come up with to share with me as the topic and they still don't know what personal boundaries are, or that it is not acceptable to watch me, follow me around (some of them) and report my movements to others. Perhaps a cop could explain the nature of reality to them?
Heard at willow West Mall as two women about 60ish share thelatest:
Apparently the doctor at the hospital said, "Well I would say we are all pretty much estranged from one another." (then they both laughed wtih the usual inappropriate affects)
As a matter of ‘interest’ which should have you alarmed if you have any brains left to actually think with beyond using them for denial) there were two teens at the library on Saturday, one male and one female, smiling inappropriately as they read up on a Website or perhaps a talk group about how as many as 80 percent of teens being bullied will commit suicide as the only means of escape. They were quietly discussing bullying someone and they were SMILING as they were reading this.
If this does not say anything to you about the state our society is in, largely because of the denial of all of this and the emphasis placed on the VICTIMS to stop ‘choosing’ to BE a victim, then I don’t know what will. If you want to see some ‘inappropriate affects’ I suggest you venture out of those self protective institutions occasionally and listen to the real world attitudes and relationships. The ‘affects’ that need changing are more often than not, displayed on the faces and in the attitudes of those psychiatry defines as the ‘normal’ people, many of whom are inside the system doing the self promoting of the ‘brain disease’ in the ‘perceivers’ routine.
It is time I did a lot more personal observing and assessing of my observers and assessors and expressed MY opinions on who and what THEY are, and what motivates all of them to think and behave the way they do.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Themes for November 2007
Of course, I have this in more detail including lots of names but I am saving the ‘flash’ around this outline for Patricia’s Razor. That is the place I am going to give an in-depth analysis of the event and all the people who have involved themselves from the point of view they don’t want: MINE. I will tell the world what it is like to be on the receiving end of this community wide abuse and judgment while listening to the endless denial of it and also while being blamed for it in some truly imaginative ways. This is done most often and most loudly by those claiming to subscribe to the principle, “no one must be blamed.”
I have been mad aware of a whole lot of people who are in some real need of therapy, including some of my former friends who feel quite all right about passing along their disdain for me to others; for my own good of course. So I will follow their lead and ‘help’ them too. It will be with what I consider to be their problems, and I will do this, whether they like it or not, for THEIR own good. But, before we go there, here are the Themes of the month.
Alice parker spotted me on the street and raised her hand to cover her smiles which were close to becoming audible laughter. She reminded me of Dr. Kamal who had been training on H2 and H3 back in 95 and who did exactly the same thing when she saw me once in Zellers. (OK Homewood, be sure to invalidate my perception of this here since that is how you keep yourselves ‘safe’ from the ‘exposure’ of a perfectly obvious reality. You have got to convince the victims of this BS that there is no BS at all. Remember; deny, deny, deny. )
Students try to decipher my age; “Let’s see now she was born in 48…so 48 plus 7…
“55 stupid! She’s 55!”
A woman from Waterloo Housing manages to connect at the evergreen centre to the ex friend of an acquaintance of mine who lives in another housing building. They have a really enjoyable cat session together on the bus. The Waterloo tenant gets to pass that one along to others back at her own building later.
The ''Cable TV story'' (there own version) gets passed along again for another round of assessment. Some university students think they may have found me on the ‘net.’
Donna, the gossip and assessor from 387, has also managed to connect for a gossip session to the larger woman working at ‘Save mart’ at Old Quebec St. (the former Silver Dollar) where this same woman also worked and had received ongoing versions of my reality (with no input form me thank you) from Mrs. Harry McCallion, (previously seen by me as one of the many strange men which I had ‘imagined’ were following me around.) Homewood ’s Peggy was still holding curt in the town square for all the latest for the local addicted population who no doubt met her at the Manor among other locales. She is also nice and friendly with bus drivers, and of course, other city employees like her husband. (I used to see him at Homewood a lot way back then and had thought that he was one of the people working at the Manor division there but he was likely just another of the Homewood tourists like lawyers Tom and Patrick. (who I had also ‘claimed’ were strangers to me following me around and playing the ‘that’s her there’ game. )
As we all now know, these reports of my experience were ‘diagnosed’ for me as my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations and you know I am still suffering from the same imaginary illness too. I would not be surprised if another ’helper’ from Homewood soon offered me another dose of ‘a little something to reduce my awareness for me.’ The irony of course is that those offering to reduce my awareness for me really want that for themselves so they don’t have to think they are obvious and a group of morons who want to blame me for their own denial of reality.
Two of the Waterloo Housing tenants have found each other on the bus and also managed to connect with some of the same gossiping and assessing bus passengers as well as a common bus driver. Now the two of them take their gossiping positions right at the front of the bus so they can share all the latest crap together and indulge themselves in a three way contempt session with loads of laughter shared about their ‘inferiors.’ Another middle aged bus driver along the same route at times has joined in the ‘fun.’ (the one who acted out for another gossiping younger one his pantomime of dropping a bomb on me, like a military style target. Har har har)
Some of the library staff know my name, some don’t, some think they are talking about two different people when they are talking about me both times and sometimes they mistake me with another psychiatrized woman as part of the ongoing attempt to get all the news and information Guelphites have to offer. The community debate on all of this and the assessment just goes on…and on…As the shoe guy discusses with others on the mall downtown on their lunch breaks, it is ‘a saga.’
Donna the gossip continues to connect to any others she can to collect more information for distribution. Donna has enjoyed making lots of contemptuous little faces at me along with her four foot boundary violating commentary. Of course she considers herself to be one of the ‘sane’ ones since she is so ‘outgoing’ and ‘friendly.’
I have ‘'shown them how it looks from the victim perspective and some of the Jewish educators are said to feel hopeful about this idea.''
One of the ‘hes’ apparently is not in Guelph anymore. You can take your pick of course of who that might be. As always, I have multiple choice or the possibility that this is just a rumour or perhaps something someone is deliberately trying to bait me with. I never can really know can I? Many members of the public are said to have ‘changed sides now.’
Library staff told, “you better be careful what you say or you’ll be getting arrested!’ (laughs all around) (aren’t my ‘hallucinated conversations’ interesting?)
Some non stop gossips now pretend they don’t know me when they see me, even after acting it all out from a few feet away fro over a decade.
Many around me including the psychiatrized addicts don’t like my lack of ‘friendliness’ towards them. There is one of my neighbours who makes me a regular topic of contempt on the bus daily, entertaining other passengers with her evaluations of me. (MY paranoid delusions to Homewood ) She believes she is operating in secret with this though I am fully aware of course of her personality problems. On Friday, November 30th, she was disdainfully discussing my lack of visitors to my apartment. This ‘proved’ something to her. One of the things it proved to me was that she is one of the people who will never be visiting my apartment. This ME is that this the type to whom I am civil and nothing more. I intend to remain that way with her for good. I have already been treated to her numerous contemptuous opinions. She shares them with the same type in the next building too. (Behind my back always of course)
The unseen results of some of this behaviour by 75 year old two year olds is that some of the locals always decide it is OK to tell me off from a few feet away and some even give themselves permission to curse at me in the streets. These ones always feel ‘superior’ to me and others as well. Most of us see THEM as boundary violating nasty little jerks and neurotics. We just don’t tell them (or bus drivers and passengers) about our opinion of them. Of course that doesn’t mean we don’t HAVE opinion. It just means we have better self control most of the time and a better understanding of personal boundaries.
Some locals are saying they have ‘read the book.’ (on my protagonist’s game) “it’s uncanny.’
Some of the bus drivers have become more careful in delivering their ongoing assessments in front of me.
A psychiatrized woman hollers something about “your boyfriend.”
A staff member from housing connects with a Library staff member. Between them they discuss whether a book on it really exists or not. They then have an assessment session of me on a personal level. The need to minimize the whole event and to denigrate me for complaining about it or not doing the ‘right’ things according the city wide consensus continues as always though. No one is personally sorry for anything even yet.
A Homewood employee who is related to a library employee has told them the ‘woman’ is a regular at the library. A Homewood Manor employee got more rumours for passing along to others from a trip to Coco Latte this month.
“They’ say it is very complicated.
My new neighbours are still assessing my life for me. Many have told others that ‘all she does is sit in her apartment alone all the time so what does that tell us.’ ONe of my neighbours in particualr loves to use me as her target for disdain which she shares with others who all keep her secret for her. She is very two faced and offers me a little insincere smile if I get too close to her, otherwise, she has convinced herself that I will see know and understand only what she intends me to and not what she doesn't. Maybe she is my protagonist's mother or a relative. Wonder if she was 'trained'too or just came by her atitudes more naturally? (I am sure their rumours tell them anything they want them too. That is what spreading rumours is all about after all. I wish their story telling would tell them something about themselves for a change.)
Students say that I ‘shot their theory all to hell.’
An A.A. member who has been gossiping about this with bus drivers for many years was seen with two older women who had relatives on H# in the past, filling them both in on the latest news. These two women also had me pointed out to them (with some laughter) by Beth, who is the woman I told at The Eaton Centre in (after being forced out of my job by Homewood for the second time), that Dale was doing the routine he was. The firm of McElderry and Morris sat and observed me doing it that day too.
Probably the biggest rumour towards the end of this month though is the varieties on this one:
‘He’ is now ‘allowed’ to talk to me as of the week of Monday November the 26th through Sunday Dec. 2nd. Now there are a couple of versions on this too. One is that he can do that anytime form Monday on and the other is that he can’t do that until the weekend. Also, with the first one, it is said that ‘he’ can talk to me as of Monday BUT, ‘it is worse than ‘they’ had thought so ‘he is in no hurry to talk to her now.’
As for which one of the ‘hes’ this may or may not be; take your pick. There is still multiple choice on all of it to me.
A few of my fellow tenants have now heard, “she was right” and have passed that along (covertly of course) to many others who have, in turn, acted it all out for me. The cleaning crew at the big mall is still passing along everything all of the latest rumours they manage to get from others to still MORE ‘others’ (the others who can never be blamed for anything of course)
The Library staff discusses the psychiatrized library users unknown to ‘us’ of course.
The guy who works in some capacity at the Library behind the scenes is asked by some staff there to tell him what he knows. The same guy has been seen on the streets nearby in the company of the same guy I call “Intrepid.” I have a couple of versions of who this guy actually is but they are also contradictory of course.
More speculation about how I feel has taken place as usual amongst all of those who feel entitled to be involved and to express their never ending (though covert) opinions to everyone else they know. The downtown mall is also keeping the daily assessment going as usual. Street rumour has it that “they” are going to apologize to ‘her.’ (This is while they ‘observe’ me standing a few feet away.)
There is a rumour that a few have talked to one of the local mercury reporters about what is going on here. Donna the gossip and Mike the gossip who live at the same address have also exchanged ‘stories.’ Some people at Old Quebec St. spot me and then gesture about my lack of smiling. A resident of 21 Paisley (an old address of mine where the landlord is married to a retired member of Homewood staff) shows up at waterloo Ave to connect to the tenant down the hall who gets lots of rumour5s from the Drop In centre. Many of the gossips from the square hang out at this centre daily. I wonder if one of the graduates from the manor who lives there will pass that along to the head shaver who in turn will pass it along to all the others involved in the twelve step programs. (try to remember that virtually EVERYONE involved is committed to ‘confidentiality’ in some way from cops to psychiatrists to 12 steppers. This is all a big part of the ‘secrecy.’)
One of the bus drivers gossiping with a university student thinks that I must ‘have quite an ego on her if she thinks everyone in Guelph is gossiping about her.” (He says this while he continues to gossip about me oblivious to himself of course) The pair then share a little contemptuous laugh together.
A cop is said t have remarked that ‘they both say the same things’ and they have never had any direct contact.’ This is true of me and everyone so I don’t know which one this is of whom he speaks. That is providing also that this rumour about a ‘cop’ saying this is true and not another fabrication of the public of course. I have no way of ever knowing since NO ONE EVER talks directly to me about any of it. In any case, many bus drivers ‘don’t believe that for a minute.’
Several people do a little dance about how ‘excited he is to be able to talk to me now.” A ‘he’ wonders what I am doing for Xmas. (Probably the same thing as always except this year my former friend is not in the picture as she prefers not to respond to my complaints about the way she relates to me now. This lack of any response at all is of course, not surprising to me)
The Library staff believes according to rumours they keep going (and in which they have included the Housing staff) that I just ‘lost my job’ as a natural occurrence. The fault is found to be only in me as always.
The Martin’s cleaning gal is filling in another man at the mall. Haven’t seen this one before but have seen her doing this constantly with a variety of people and have also heard her opinions of both me and one of the ‘hims’ as well. This man looks like he is between 55 and 60 and is balding, gray haired and with a short trim beard. It is NOT ‘Intrepid’ though. This one sits like so many and negatively shakes his head in tune with whichever version of reality the table wiper is passing along today in her ‘socializing.’
It is said to be ‘much worse than they had thought.’ (all over town) They discuss how ‘realistic’ one of the ‘hes’ might be if he expects anything from her. There are various versions of this also. The No Frills teens are still keeping everyone updated and keeping their collective eyes open watching for what is going to happen next, now that they have heard ‘he’ is allowed to talk to me. (There she is!)
Some are saying it is a ‘miscommunication.’ (it isn’t. it is NO communication at all which leaves my reality open to the non stop ‘interpretations’ of others.)
On November the 28th, 2007 there was a group of some sort meeting at Old Quebec St. They discussed the fact that it was very frightening and also that ‘they’ couldn’t hear it because they were giving it a different meaning.” ‘He’ didn’t believe it was her.’ Bus drivers announce again that I never say a word about it to anyone.
Stay tuned for Themes from December. This will continue until those involved in this learn how to own their OWN behaviour instead of just preaching about it to ‘others’ whom they obviously believe CAN be ‘blamed.’
Personally, this is all the same kind of thing to me since no matter which rumours get passed along from god knows what source, nothing ever gets done by those who can’t be blamed. So, Paranoid Patty here has learned not to bother holding my breath waiting for those who preach endlessly to take their own advice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been mad aware of a whole lot of people who are in some real need of therapy, including some of my former friends who feel quite all right about passing along their disdain for me to others; for my own good of course. So I will follow their lead and ‘help’ them too. It will be with what I consider to be their problems, and I will do this, whether they like it or not, for THEIR own good. But, before we go there, here are the Themes of the month.
Alice parker spotted me on the street and raised her hand to cover her smiles which were close to becoming audible laughter. She reminded me of Dr. Kamal who had been training on H2 and H3 back in 95 and who did exactly the same thing when she saw me once in Zellers. (OK Homewood, be sure to invalidate my perception of this here since that is how you keep yourselves ‘safe’ from the ‘exposure’ of a perfectly obvious reality. You have got to convince the victims of this BS that there is no BS at all. Remember; deny, deny, deny. )
Students try to decipher my age; “Let’s see now she was born in 48…so 48 plus 7…
“55 stupid! She’s 55!”
A woman from Waterloo Housing manages to connect at the evergreen centre to the ex friend of an acquaintance of mine who lives in another housing building. They have a really enjoyable cat session together on the bus. The Waterloo tenant gets to pass that one along to others back at her own building later.
The ''Cable TV story'' (there own version) gets passed along again for another round of assessment. Some university students think they may have found me on the ‘net.’
Donna, the gossip and assessor from 387, has also managed to connect for a gossip session to the larger woman working at ‘Save mart’ at Old Quebec St. (the former Silver Dollar) where this same woman also worked and had received ongoing versions of my reality (with no input form me thank you) from Mrs. Harry McCallion, (previously seen by me as one of the many strange men which I had ‘imagined’ were following me around.) Homewood ’s Peggy was still holding curt in the town square for all the latest for the local addicted population who no doubt met her at the Manor among other locales. She is also nice and friendly with bus drivers, and of course, other city employees like her husband. (I used to see him at Homewood a lot way back then and had thought that he was one of the people working at the Manor division there but he was likely just another of the Homewood tourists like lawyers Tom and Patrick. (who I had also ‘claimed’ were strangers to me following me around and playing the ‘that’s her there’ game. )
As we all now know, these reports of my experience were ‘diagnosed’ for me as my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations and you know I am still suffering from the same imaginary illness too. I would not be surprised if another ’helper’ from Homewood soon offered me another dose of ‘a little something to reduce my awareness for me.’ The irony of course is that those offering to reduce my awareness for me really want that for themselves so they don’t have to think they are obvious and a group of morons who want to blame me for their own denial of reality.
Two of the Waterloo Housing tenants have found each other on the bus and also managed to connect with some of the same gossiping and assessing bus passengers as well as a common bus driver. Now the two of them take their gossiping positions right at the front of the bus so they can share all the latest crap together and indulge themselves in a three way contempt session with loads of laughter shared about their ‘inferiors.’ Another middle aged bus driver along the same route at times has joined in the ‘fun.’ (the one who acted out for another gossiping younger one his pantomime of dropping a bomb on me, like a military style target. Har har har)
Some of the library staff know my name, some don’t, some think they are talking about two different people when they are talking about me both times and sometimes they mistake me with another psychiatrized woman as part of the ongoing attempt to get all the news and information Guelphites have to offer. The community debate on all of this and the assessment just goes on…and on…As the shoe guy discusses with others on the mall downtown on their lunch breaks, it is ‘a saga.’
Donna the gossip continues to connect to any others she can to collect more information for distribution. Donna has enjoyed making lots of contemptuous little faces at me along with her four foot boundary violating commentary. Of course she considers herself to be one of the ‘sane’ ones since she is so ‘outgoing’ and ‘friendly.’
I have ‘'shown them how it looks from the victim perspective and some of the Jewish educators are said to feel hopeful about this idea.''
One of the ‘hes’ apparently is not in Guelph anymore. You can take your pick of course of who that might be. As always, I have multiple choice or the possibility that this is just a rumour or perhaps something someone is deliberately trying to bait me with. I never can really know can I? Many members of the public are said to have ‘changed sides now.’
Library staff told, “you better be careful what you say or you’ll be getting arrested!’ (laughs all around) (aren’t my ‘hallucinated conversations’ interesting?)
Some non stop gossips now pretend they don’t know me when they see me, even after acting it all out from a few feet away fro over a decade.
Many around me including the psychiatrized addicts don’t like my lack of ‘friendliness’ towards them. There is one of my neighbours who makes me a regular topic of contempt on the bus daily, entertaining other passengers with her evaluations of me. (MY paranoid delusions to Homewood ) She believes she is operating in secret with this though I am fully aware of course of her personality problems. On Friday, November 30th, she was disdainfully discussing my lack of visitors to my apartment. This ‘proved’ something to her. One of the things it proved to me was that she is one of the people who will never be visiting my apartment. This ME is that this the type to whom I am civil and nothing more. I intend to remain that way with her for good. I have already been treated to her numerous contemptuous opinions. She shares them with the same type in the next building too. (Behind my back always of course)
The unseen results of some of this behaviour by 75 year old two year olds is that some of the locals always decide it is OK to tell me off from a few feet away and some even give themselves permission to curse at me in the streets. These ones always feel ‘superior’ to me and others as well. Most of us see THEM as boundary violating nasty little jerks and neurotics. We just don’t tell them (or bus drivers and passengers) about our opinion of them. Of course that doesn’t mean we don’t HAVE opinion. It just means we have better self control most of the time and a better understanding of personal boundaries.
Some locals are saying they have ‘read the book.’ (on my protagonist’s game) “it’s uncanny.’
Some of the bus drivers have become more careful in delivering their ongoing assessments in front of me.
A psychiatrized woman hollers something about “your boyfriend.”
A staff member from housing connects with a Library staff member. Between them they discuss whether a book on it really exists or not. They then have an assessment session of me on a personal level. The need to minimize the whole event and to denigrate me for complaining about it or not doing the ‘right’ things according the city wide consensus continues as always though. No one is personally sorry for anything even yet.
A Homewood employee who is related to a library employee has told them the ‘woman’ is a regular at the library. A Homewood Manor employee got more rumours for passing along to others from a trip to Coco Latte this month.
“They’ say it is very complicated.
My new neighbours are still assessing my life for me. Many have told others that ‘all she does is sit in her apartment alone all the time so what does that tell us.’ ONe of my neighbours in particualr loves to use me as her target for disdain which she shares with others who all keep her secret for her. She is very two faced and offers me a little insincere smile if I get too close to her, otherwise, she has convinced herself that I will see know and understand only what she intends me to and not what she doesn't. Maybe she is my protagonist's mother or a relative. Wonder if she was 'trained'too or just came by her atitudes more naturally? (I am sure their rumours tell them anything they want them too. That is what spreading rumours is all about after all. I wish their story telling would tell them something about themselves for a change.)
Students say that I ‘shot their theory all to hell.’
An A.A. member who has been gossiping about this with bus drivers for many years was seen with two older women who had relatives on H# in the past, filling them both in on the latest news. These two women also had me pointed out to them (with some laughter) by Beth, who is the woman I told at The Eaton Centre in (after being forced out of my job by Homewood for the second time), that Dale was doing the routine he was. The firm of McElderry and Morris sat and observed me doing it that day too.
Probably the biggest rumour towards the end of this month though is the varieties on this one:
‘He’ is now ‘allowed’ to talk to me as of the week of Monday November the 26th through Sunday Dec. 2nd. Now there are a couple of versions on this too. One is that he can do that anytime form Monday on and the other is that he can’t do that until the weekend. Also, with the first one, it is said that ‘he’ can talk to me as of Monday BUT, ‘it is worse than ‘they’ had thought so ‘he is in no hurry to talk to her now.’
As for which one of the ‘hes’ this may or may not be; take your pick. There is still multiple choice on all of it to me.
A few of my fellow tenants have now heard, “she was right” and have passed that along (covertly of course) to many others who have, in turn, acted it all out for me. The cleaning crew at the big mall is still passing along everything all of the latest rumours they manage to get from others to still MORE ‘others’ (the others who can never be blamed for anything of course)
The Library staff discusses the psychiatrized library users unknown to ‘us’ of course.
The guy who works in some capacity at the Library behind the scenes is asked by some staff there to tell him what he knows. The same guy has been seen on the streets nearby in the company of the same guy I call “Intrepid.” I have a couple of versions of who this guy actually is but they are also contradictory of course.
More speculation about how I feel has taken place as usual amongst all of those who feel entitled to be involved and to express their never ending (though covert) opinions to everyone else they know. The downtown mall is also keeping the daily assessment going as usual. Street rumour has it that “they” are going to apologize to ‘her.’ (This is while they ‘observe’ me standing a few feet away.)
There is a rumour that a few have talked to one of the local mercury reporters about what is going on here. Donna the gossip and Mike the gossip who live at the same address have also exchanged ‘stories.’ Some people at Old Quebec St. spot me and then gesture about my lack of smiling. A resident of 21 Paisley (an old address of mine where the landlord is married to a retired member of Homewood staff) shows up at waterloo Ave to connect to the tenant down the hall who gets lots of rumour5s from the Drop In centre. Many of the gossips from the square hang out at this centre daily. I wonder if one of the graduates from the manor who lives there will pass that along to the head shaver who in turn will pass it along to all the others involved in the twelve step programs. (try to remember that virtually EVERYONE involved is committed to ‘confidentiality’ in some way from cops to psychiatrists to 12 steppers. This is all a big part of the ‘secrecy.’)
One of the bus drivers gossiping with a university student thinks that I must ‘have quite an ego on her if she thinks everyone in Guelph is gossiping about her.” (He says this while he continues to gossip about me oblivious to himself of course) The pair then share a little contemptuous laugh together.
A cop is said t have remarked that ‘they both say the same things’ and they have never had any direct contact.’ This is true of me and everyone so I don’t know which one this is of whom he speaks. That is providing also that this rumour about a ‘cop’ saying this is true and not another fabrication of the public of course. I have no way of ever knowing since NO ONE EVER talks directly to me about any of it. In any case, many bus drivers ‘don’t believe that for a minute.’
Several people do a little dance about how ‘excited he is to be able to talk to me now.” A ‘he’ wonders what I am doing for Xmas. (Probably the same thing as always except this year my former friend is not in the picture as she prefers not to respond to my complaints about the way she relates to me now. This lack of any response at all is of course, not surprising to me)
The Library staff believes according to rumours they keep going (and in which they have included the Housing staff) that I just ‘lost my job’ as a natural occurrence. The fault is found to be only in me as always.
The Martin’s cleaning gal is filling in another man at the mall. Haven’t seen this one before but have seen her doing this constantly with a variety of people and have also heard her opinions of both me and one of the ‘hims’ as well. This man looks like he is between 55 and 60 and is balding, gray haired and with a short trim beard. It is NOT ‘Intrepid’ though. This one sits like so many and negatively shakes his head in tune with whichever version of reality the table wiper is passing along today in her ‘socializing.’
It is said to be ‘much worse than they had thought.’ (all over town) They discuss how ‘realistic’ one of the ‘hes’ might be if he expects anything from her. There are various versions of this also. The No Frills teens are still keeping everyone updated and keeping their collective eyes open watching for what is going to happen next, now that they have heard ‘he’ is allowed to talk to me. (There she is!)
Some are saying it is a ‘miscommunication.’ (it isn’t. it is NO communication at all which leaves my reality open to the non stop ‘interpretations’ of others.)
On November the 28th, 2007 there was a group of some sort meeting at Old Quebec St. They discussed the fact that it was very frightening and also that ‘they’ couldn’t hear it because they were giving it a different meaning.” ‘He’ didn’t believe it was her.’ Bus drivers announce again that I never say a word about it to anyone.
Stay tuned for Themes from December. This will continue until those involved in this learn how to own their OWN behaviour instead of just preaching about it to ‘others’ whom they obviously believe CAN be ‘blamed.’
Personally, this is all the same kind of thing to me since no matter which rumours get passed along from god knows what source, nothing ever gets done by those who can’t be blamed. So, Paranoid Patty here has learned not to bother holding my breath waiting for those who preach endlessly to take their own advice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Themes of the Month:the Public’s Perception of Me, October 2007
October 2007
She’s rich.
She’s shabby.
She’s stupid.
She’s cheating.
She has her own computer yet she ‘claims’ she cannot afford a phone.
Everyone is shocked.
They think she might be a ‘borderliner.'
She has two different personalities.
(I talk to some people and ignore others.)
A group describes my imagined new ‘illness’ like ‘changing weather.’
Someone gave ‘him’ the spare key to her apartment.
It goes way back and it is almost impossible to see. (As ‘it’ is intended.)
She has ‘stolen’ a housing unit form someone who ‘really’ needs it.
Her phone is disconnected just for ‘show.’
She’s pulling in forty thousand a year.
She’s a millionaire.
Well, she’s got a lot of it wrong. Counterpoint: She’s got a lot of it right too doesn’t she?
The city employees, including Library staff, have been told to stop talking about it as all that is doing is creating more chaos.
Bus driver Jimmy H. (the one who informed Prof Phidd of ‘who’ I was) is still involved in all the latest gossip about it.
She has caused a lot of trouble in her life. (Alternate version) She has HAD a lot of trouble in her life.
Jimmy H., bus driver, is joined in gossip by another negative head shaker observing me on the bus together.
A number of addicts announce that they ‘can’t believe it.’
Men in suits discuss it in the square.
Someone says, ‘it is really embarrassing.’
A bus regular fills in a recent new staffer at Riverside Glen, “she told them what he was doing and that IS what he was doing.’
It is said I look pretty blasé about it all.
Bus drivers are being entertained by some residents of housing who are telling them stories about all the ‘crazies’ living there now and what they are like.
Some of the Homewood / manor ‘crazies’ are also entertaining bus passengers with stories of those they consider to be THEIR ‘inferiors’. (Often people who have been driven ‘crazy’ by addicts)
At the Dominion Building , someone is said to have become quite ‘alarmed’ about the situation.
Steve, from upstairs, gossips about it daily in the downtown square with many more of the town’s addicts. There is another round going on my sexuality been discussed again by more graduates of the Manor. I am sure they will work it out eventually for me.
A ‘he’ says that he told somebody that ‘she knows.’ (Sorry no concrete details on what it is he told other I ‘know.’)
A woman in Housing who works at a donut shop, I believe on Eramosa Rd repeatedly entertains bus drivers on the waterloo route with stories of the ‘crazies’ who live there.
One of the psychiatrized addicts likes to entertain other bus passengers with her contempt for me (she doesn’t actually know me but she has ‘heard stories.’) She had recently started hollering at me on the streets (as a number of manor ‘graduates’ have done) but now she is in yet another ‘course’ at Homewood where she is going in order to ‘make them do their damned jobs’ and ‘help’ her. Some angry contemptuous tenants of Housing are now calling me “The Big Deal” which has been led by one of the pushier tenants there who spends her days gossiping and story telling as much as possible. This Save Mart employee previously worked for the Silver Dollar in Old Quebec St . This one has managed to connect with the bigger one at the Save Mart (more drugs please) This tenant who is digging for more gossip so she can take it back for more group assessment with the housing gossips and also Peggy the Homewood gossip who keeps it all going in the community along with thousands of others (who all deny the whole thing of course) These gossips on masse will then act out their contempt for me at my regular bus stops as well as pass along all the crap to the bus drivers, who, in turn, will pass it along to the bus passengers. None of them of course, will know a thing officer/doctor when they are asked directly as they don’t want to open up a can of worms do they?
The current Save mart Gal got a lot of HER version of my reality from the folks who used to work at the Silver Dollar, especially from Mrs. Harry McCallion, although Peggy was prone to check in with them way back then too. These are all the people I ‘thought’ were talking about me, people I don’t even know. So since I don’t know them it would not be ‘logical’ for them to be behaving this way, therefore, they aren’t, and I am just mad if I ‘think’ they are. Therefore, I am just ‘seeking fame’ and this indicates that I am too dangerous to be running around loose which further indicates the ‘righteousness’ of those who gave me a psychiatric label in order to control me—or ‘totally control’ me as Dale would no doubt put it. (smirk)
Building residents are searching for a thief to blame for the loss of some frozen dinners. My name has apparently been suggested as a possible culprit, being ‘mad’ and all. (Besides, I am not very friendly to them and they can’t imagine why since all the gossiping they are doing is being done ‘covertly.’
Some working in the dominion building are quite alarmed by the situation. The town addicts are still working out my sexual identity for me.
A social worker passes through the library to se if the woman on the word processor is me. (She would know since she was one of the main group involved in the attack/joke/intervention.
Route number 1 driver has been gossiping with a regular passenger who gets on the bus near the White House apartments, perhaps from the housing units nearby. They hand signal each other , tittering like loons, when I am on the bus so that I ‘won’t know’ about them gossiping. It is working really well for them too. The head of the Homewood volunteers hopes ''that Pat soon gets the ‘help’ she needs. '' Knowing her, I am pretty sure she would mean a nice pill so I can be as normal as she. “The doctor says it is all connected.
It is decided generally that since it all happened almost fifteen years ago, (it is all over and done with them to them you see) ‘she needs to let it go.’ (I bet dale would really smirk at that line since both he and I know what that means in a way that no one else does!
She’s rich.
She’s shabby.
She’s stupid.
She’s cheating.
She has her own computer yet she ‘claims’ she cannot afford a phone.
Everyone is shocked.
They think she might be a ‘borderliner.'
She has two different personalities.
(I talk to some people and ignore others.)
A group describes my imagined new ‘illness’ like ‘changing weather.’
Someone gave ‘him’ the spare key to her apartment.
It goes way back and it is almost impossible to see. (As ‘it’ is intended.)
She has ‘stolen’ a housing unit form someone who ‘really’ needs it.
Her phone is disconnected just for ‘show.’
She’s pulling in forty thousand a year.
She’s a millionaire.
Well, she’s got a lot of it wrong. Counterpoint: She’s got a lot of it right too doesn’t she?
The city employees, including Library staff, have been told to stop talking about it as all that is doing is creating more chaos.
Bus driver Jimmy H. (the one who informed Prof Phidd of ‘who’ I was) is still involved in all the latest gossip about it.
She has caused a lot of trouble in her life. (Alternate version) She has HAD a lot of trouble in her life.
Jimmy H., bus driver, is joined in gossip by another negative head shaker observing me on the bus together.
A number of addicts announce that they ‘can’t believe it.’
Men in suits discuss it in the square.
Someone says, ‘it is really embarrassing.’
A bus regular fills in a recent new staffer at Riverside Glen, “she told them what he was doing and that IS what he was doing.’
It is said I look pretty blasé about it all.
Bus drivers are being entertained by some residents of housing who are telling them stories about all the ‘crazies’ living there now and what they are like.
Some of the Homewood / manor ‘crazies’ are also entertaining bus passengers with stories of those they consider to be THEIR ‘inferiors’. (Often people who have been driven ‘crazy’ by addicts)
At the Dominion Building , someone is said to have become quite ‘alarmed’ about the situation.
Steve, from upstairs, gossips about it daily in the downtown square with many more of the town’s addicts. There is another round going on my sexuality been discussed again by more graduates of the Manor. I am sure they will work it out eventually for me.
A ‘he’ says that he told somebody that ‘she knows.’ (Sorry no concrete details on what it is he told other I ‘know.’)
A woman in Housing who works at a donut shop, I believe on Eramosa Rd repeatedly entertains bus drivers on the waterloo route with stories of the ‘crazies’ who live there.
One of the psychiatrized addicts likes to entertain other bus passengers with her contempt for me (she doesn’t actually know me but she has ‘heard stories.’) She had recently started hollering at me on the streets (as a number of manor ‘graduates’ have done) but now she is in yet another ‘course’ at Homewood where she is going in order to ‘make them do their damned jobs’ and ‘help’ her. Some angry contemptuous tenants of Housing are now calling me “The Big Deal” which has been led by one of the pushier tenants there who spends her days gossiping and story telling as much as possible. This Save Mart employee previously worked for the Silver Dollar in Old Quebec St . This one has managed to connect with the bigger one at the Save Mart (more drugs please) This tenant who is digging for more gossip so she can take it back for more group assessment with the housing gossips and also Peggy the Homewood gossip who keeps it all going in the community along with thousands of others (who all deny the whole thing of course) These gossips on masse will then act out their contempt for me at my regular bus stops as well as pass along all the crap to the bus drivers, who, in turn, will pass it along to the bus passengers. None of them of course, will know a thing officer/doctor when they are asked directly as they don’t want to open up a can of worms do they?
The current Save mart Gal got a lot of HER version of my reality from the folks who used to work at the Silver Dollar, especially from Mrs. Harry McCallion, although Peggy was prone to check in with them way back then too. These are all the people I ‘thought’ were talking about me, people I don’t even know. So since I don’t know them it would not be ‘logical’ for them to be behaving this way, therefore, they aren’t, and I am just mad if I ‘think’ they are. Therefore, I am just ‘seeking fame’ and this indicates that I am too dangerous to be running around loose which further indicates the ‘righteousness’ of those who gave me a psychiatric label in order to control me—or ‘totally control’ me as Dale would no doubt put it. (smirk)
Building residents are searching for a thief to blame for the loss of some frozen dinners. My name has apparently been suggested as a possible culprit, being ‘mad’ and all. (Besides, I am not very friendly to them and they can’t imagine why since all the gossiping they are doing is being done ‘covertly.’
Some working in the dominion building are quite alarmed by the situation. The town addicts are still working out my sexual identity for me.
A social worker passes through the library to se if the woman on the word processor is me. (She would know since she was one of the main group involved in the attack/joke/intervention.
Route number 1 driver has been gossiping with a regular passenger who gets on the bus near the White House apartments, perhaps from the housing units nearby. They hand signal each other , tittering like loons, when I am on the bus so that I ‘won’t know’ about them gossiping. It is working really well for them too. The head of the Homewood volunteers hopes ''that Pat soon gets the ‘help’ she needs. '' Knowing her, I am pretty sure she would mean a nice pill so I can be as normal as she. “The doctor says it is all connected.
It is decided generally that since it all happened almost fifteen years ago, (it is all over and done with them to them you see) ‘she needs to let it go.’ (I bet dale would really smirk at that line since both he and I know what that means in a way that no one else does!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Big News Flash
This week’s Big Newflash
"He" decided he needed to see a lawyer. "He" is ‘crushed,’ 'devastated,'and 'very upset.' Da poor thing....The meeting with the lawyer is on Friday the 26th of October. A group will be attending.
Da poooooor things. They're going to have another round of 'What are we going to do now?' (which always had taking care of thier own interests as the first priority of course...
Did you happen to hear Condoleezza Rice’s comments on the Arar affair?
Journalists noted that the words used were carefully chosen (vague abstractions) and that HOW you heard the same words seemed to depend on which side of the border you were on when you heard them.
That’s Nexus language.
Do you happen to remember the piece I posted abut Donald Rumsfelds’ jargon? A former trainee corrected journalist who had said it didn’t make any sense by enlightening us that it was from est training. He had taken it himself so he knew. Interesting isn’t it?
"He" decided he needed to see a lawyer. "He" is ‘crushed,’ 'devastated,'and 'very upset.' Da poor thing....The meeting with the lawyer is on Friday the 26th of October. A group will be attending.
Da poooooor things. They're going to have another round of 'What are we going to do now?' (which always had taking care of thier own interests as the first priority of course...
Did you happen to hear Condoleezza Rice’s comments on the Arar affair?
Journalists noted that the words used were carefully chosen (vague abstractions) and that HOW you heard the same words seemed to depend on which side of the border you were on when you heard them.
That’s Nexus language.
Do you happen to remember the piece I posted abut Donald Rumsfelds’ jargon? A former trainee corrected journalist who had said it didn’t make any sense by enlightening us that it was from est training. He had taken it himself so he knew. Interesting isn’t it?
Question for the Mystified Staff of Homewood Health Centre
And all of Their Supporters and Enablers
This question is directed quite specifically at the staff of the Hamiltons and the Manor as they were the most involved of all the hospital.
Let me know when you can make the connection between Dale T’s so called ‘game’ and the following ‘effects.’
I am ‘set up’ by Dale to believe we are involved in a ‘joke’ or a ‘game’ that includes me.
The group is ‘set up’ to believe I am the ‘starting point’ of the problem, not Dale, and this is no ‘game.’
The group acts out smirking and amused about what they believe is going on.
I take it as the joke I was led to believe it was by Dale.
They believe they are ‘superior’ people and therefore ‘hidden’ in plain sight by ‘inferior’ me.
The attack grows more vicious and they start spreading it everywhere.
I realize this is no ‘game’ or ‘joke’ that includes me.
I tell Homewood staff, both some people in person, as well as on the answering machine tapes they start to listen to every day that Dale is ‘orchestrating’ this whole thing. I decide to stay in order to expose him and stop him.
They deny anything is happening at all even though they know it is.
They have me told ‘covertly’ to keep quiet about it and not attempt to confront anyone else about this including in public.( I announced that on the answering machine the day after I was told to that too. The staff on the Hamiltons heard me say so and discussed it in my presence as USUAL)
They tell the participants in it, also ‘covertly,’ not to admit to anything.
This ensures resolution will never appear and it is this which motivates people whose major concern is with politics and appearances; not truth or resolution. Both sides would have to meet and resolve it for that to happen and this has now been successfully prevented.
I continue to talk and get threatened with more ‘treatment’ and losses if I don’t stop.
They also continue to gossip and the p8ublic gets more involved and more vicious in expressing their opinions and acting it all out for me.
Homewood and the University staff involved continue in the denial of it all just like every other dysfunctional group, labeling it a perception/reaction problem in me and offering a variety of labels with which to control me from ‘schizophrenic, bi-polar, personality disorders, character disorders’ etc. .
My report of their own acting out is ‘interpreted’ again for me as my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’ (After the entire event has been officially proclaimed by the experts who have participated in it to be non existent. (Existentialism anyone? One of Dales’ ‘topics of interest)
Tell me again about the importance of ‘ethics’ in psychiatry.
Here is another version of the same event and participation in it if that one doesn’t suit you.
My accurate perception of YOU (which I was led to believe was a joke or game) and your denial of that truth are “ONE” and the same.
Though you are lying and I am telling the truth about it, the perception of this reality has been turned around one hundred and eighty degrees by the guy who planned it that was when he set his goal FIRST, THEN played his ‘game.’ The rest of you have supported and enabled him in this just as he expected that you would. That is, in my opinion, why he smirked his way through it all.
This is how he gets ‘satisfaction’ from his ‘training abut domination’ after he ‘chose power over enlightenment.’
The results (effects) puts him ‘above’ everyone else he manipulated, both the target (me) and the group (you all at Homewood and all your idiot friends and relatives playing ‘follow the psycho leader.’ Your help with this allows him to be ‘on top of the experience.’
He ‘shares this experience’ by keeping his concrete goal and the concepts used to obtain it a ‘secret’ while he ‘recreates it, out her in the world of reality.’ This is his ‘secret power’ and as Fenwick states: “the power is real.”
Now lecture to me again about ‘responsibility’ and ‘owning your own behaviour.’
I think that what psychiatry does best is ignore, deny, excuse and justify a sick society’s abuse of individuals used as scapegoats for the duplicitous who lie to worry most about how they look rather than how they ARE.
Drugging emotional reactions and broken psychological structures may seem like a cheap efficient solution but all it is really is a short term plug in the dam of increasing chaos and pressure all over the world which is one day going to crack wide open and overwhelm those who would not repair the real problem or even look at it. This failure to face and deal with a sick society may well be what brings t to it’s ultimate ending. This world needs to grow the hell up and stop blaming it’s victims for it’s collective acting out. Unless you do, you will NEVER be mental ‘health’ professionals since you don’t know what that is and you will remain what you have always really been; mental illness professionals dealing in hopelessness, helplessness, and denial of real responsibility. Where mental illness is being defined in ‘medicalized’ terms and reductionism, mental health is defined by stable BOUNDARIES clearly defining who is who.
Good God psychiatry get the hell OVER yourselves and start acting to change the world for the better.
This question is directed quite specifically at the staff of the Hamiltons and the Manor as they were the most involved of all the hospital.
Let me know when you can make the connection between Dale T’s so called ‘game’ and the following ‘effects.’
I am ‘set up’ by Dale to believe we are involved in a ‘joke’ or a ‘game’ that includes me.
The group is ‘set up’ to believe I am the ‘starting point’ of the problem, not Dale, and this is no ‘game.’
The group acts out smirking and amused about what they believe is going on.
I take it as the joke I was led to believe it was by Dale.
They believe they are ‘superior’ people and therefore ‘hidden’ in plain sight by ‘inferior’ me.
The attack grows more vicious and they start spreading it everywhere.
I realize this is no ‘game’ or ‘joke’ that includes me.
I tell Homewood staff, both some people in person, as well as on the answering machine tapes they start to listen to every day that Dale is ‘orchestrating’ this whole thing. I decide to stay in order to expose him and stop him.
They deny anything is happening at all even though they know it is.
They have me told ‘covertly’ to keep quiet about it and not attempt to confront anyone else about this including in public.( I announced that on the answering machine the day after I was told to that too. The staff on the Hamiltons heard me say so and discussed it in my presence as USUAL)
They tell the participants in it, also ‘covertly,’ not to admit to anything.
This ensures resolution will never appear and it is this which motivates people whose major concern is with politics and appearances; not truth or resolution. Both sides would have to meet and resolve it for that to happen and this has now been successfully prevented.
I continue to talk and get threatened with more ‘treatment’ and losses if I don’t stop.
They also continue to gossip and the p8ublic gets more involved and more vicious in expressing their opinions and acting it all out for me.
Homewood and the University staff involved continue in the denial of it all just like every other dysfunctional group, labeling it a perception/reaction problem in me and offering a variety of labels with which to control me from ‘schizophrenic, bi-polar, personality disorders, character disorders’ etc. .
My report of their own acting out is ‘interpreted’ again for me as my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’ (After the entire event has been officially proclaimed by the experts who have participated in it to be non existent. (Existentialism anyone? One of Dales’ ‘topics of interest)
Tell me again about the importance of ‘ethics’ in psychiatry.
Here is another version of the same event and participation in it if that one doesn’t suit you.
My accurate perception of YOU (which I was led to believe was a joke or game) and your denial of that truth are “ONE” and the same.
Though you are lying and I am telling the truth about it, the perception of this reality has been turned around one hundred and eighty degrees by the guy who planned it that was when he set his goal FIRST, THEN played his ‘game.’ The rest of you have supported and enabled him in this just as he expected that you would. That is, in my opinion, why he smirked his way through it all.
This is how he gets ‘satisfaction’ from his ‘training abut domination’ after he ‘chose power over enlightenment.’
The results (effects) puts him ‘above’ everyone else he manipulated, both the target (me) and the group (you all at Homewood and all your idiot friends and relatives playing ‘follow the psycho leader.’ Your help with this allows him to be ‘on top of the experience.’
He ‘shares this experience’ by keeping his concrete goal and the concepts used to obtain it a ‘secret’ while he ‘recreates it, out her in the world of reality.’ This is his ‘secret power’ and as Fenwick states: “the power is real.”
Now lecture to me again about ‘responsibility’ and ‘owning your own behaviour.’
I think that what psychiatry does best is ignore, deny, excuse and justify a sick society’s abuse of individuals used as scapegoats for the duplicitous who lie to worry most about how they look rather than how they ARE.
Drugging emotional reactions and broken psychological structures may seem like a cheap efficient solution but all it is really is a short term plug in the dam of increasing chaos and pressure all over the world which is one day going to crack wide open and overwhelm those who would not repair the real problem or even look at it. This failure to face and deal with a sick society may well be what brings t to it’s ultimate ending. This world needs to grow the hell up and stop blaming it’s victims for it’s collective acting out. Unless you do, you will NEVER be mental ‘health’ professionals since you don’t know what that is and you will remain what you have always really been; mental illness professionals dealing in hopelessness, helplessness, and denial of real responsibility. Where mental illness is being defined in ‘medicalized’ terms and reductionism, mental health is defined by stable BOUNDARIES clearly defining who is who.
Good God psychiatry get the hell OVER yourselves and start acting to change the world for the better.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Further Updates From the Citizens Acting Out
But First:
I am about to post more of September’s acting out but I just had to do this one first. I just got off the bus after being treated to a little performance by two of the tenants in the building next to me. One of them is the newer star of the gossiping routine doing her usual daily performance and the other has joined in. They also included a third person, younger but enjoying the contempt and disdain of her supporting role. Their act today went like this: First there was another round of how I managed to qualify for housing (since I’m rich) followed by a discussion about today’s evaluations of me in the community now that they have apparently ‘found out’ who they have actually been bad mouthing all this time. Now the bad mouthing has not stopped but it has now shifted in tone slightly and now it is more directed at me personally since I have been identified. There was another round of ‘what’s the big deal?’ which is something this newer star gossip has been asking everyone she can, including some bus drivers even when she did NOT know who she was talking about. They were discussing changing apartments and moving into my building was mentioned along with “You could move over there where “The Big Deal” lives.’ (They shared a contemptuous little laugh together and then the three of them took turns looking right at me closer to the back of the bus. The Main Mouthpiece then stated, “So it’s the exact opposite…what is so difficult about seeing that? (They shook their contemptuous little heads together in the negative) Mouthpiece added. Maybe she needed someone to draw her a picture. You’re an artist right? Maybe you could do that…(ha ha ha ) They keep saying it’s amazing…(yes I know. I have heard that at east five thousand times by now ) What’s so amazing about it (they asked each other, more head shaking and another look back at me in unison this time) What’s so amazing? So she got on the Internet, big deal. “
Now I actually agree this is not that amazing in the way that THEY believe it to be since they really don’t understand it, but obviously believe they do, and better than I do. The other thing they don’t understand is that they are all perfectly obvious to me since they are acting out something that I have known for years and had repeated to me in one form or another, year after year, by people acting just like this three, who believe they are a mystery to me because they are sure they are MORE aware than I am when in fact, they are far LESS aware than I am. I didn’t understand that before since it seemed impossible; but I do now. These are the kind of people who behave this way about me, in my presence and then the next time they see me alone or a few feet closure, put on their saccharine smiles and pseudo ‘friendliness’ and can’t figure out why I don’t bother with them. They conclude it must be some psychological problem I am having since it can’t be them; after all, they are ‘normal.’ By the way, at least two of these three are ‘compliant’ psychiatrized people, both of who have done at least one round at the Manor at Homewood . Are you starting to get the picture? It has been the addicted community that has been the most vocal about their opinions. Guess why.
All of these performances are just old news to me and have been for a very long time. When I hear them coming out of the mouths of new people, like these tow who live near me, it is not something I don’t know about them. It is a whole lot they don’t know about me and themselves. After people like me manage to figure this out, while such people try to make sure we can’t so they can keep their own delusions going, this stuff gets to be a real bore. It is like watching the same dysfunctional play repeated over and over again ad infinite, in a performance that never varies or adds anything new. As Dale pointed out, in that vague and abstract way of his training, The play’s the thing, “Shakespeare.” But you see, I already knew that from my own life experience. You might say he paid to be trained to be an a**hole where as, I was trained by a**holes in my life, for FREE.
OK now back to the September update on “Citizens Acting Out.”
Other psychiatrized people who are also connected to the addicted community and the mall evaluators point me out to each other from fur feet away saying, “that’s her.’ They share a little laugh together. They do no connect their own ‘talking about me’ with being told THEMSELVES that ‘believing people are talking about you’ is a sign of ‘mental illness’ Ii both them and me. The hardest thing to wrap my head around in this and for others to do too is the most simple and obvious details. I ‘think’ People are talking a but me because they are the people talking about me which is perfectly obvious. They ‘think’ it must be some ‘other’ imaginary people I ‘think’ are talking about me, since they are sure that ‘dumb and unconscious as I am, I could not possibly know about them and their talking since they ‘think’ they are well hidden form me even four feet away, while doing all the talking. The whole experience is just like that in all the details. They STILL can’t see it but they also still believe they have the superior understanding and that I must be a real moron not to be able to see what is so easy for THEM!. It is just laughable and I would probably Still be ‘laughing’ for no reason’ if the ‘joke’ hadn’t been repeated so often that the humour has worn off. Now it just looks stupid and boring and oh so arrogant to watch people do this. It is amazing to me too but for a whole other reason. I am ‘amazed’ too but what I ma amazed about is the amount of time and energy devoted to denying this and supporting and enabling dysfunction. It is like if they can’t be superior, they don’t know what else they could be. That used to confuse me but now I get this as ‘fear based’ behaviour. Most of these people swallow something so they don’t have to feel anything and yet they still obviously have a lot of rage backed up or they wouldn’t be spending so much time looking for surrogates to dump it on. It never seems to occur to them that I don’t ‘socialize; with this type because I think they are sickening and juvenile in their thinking and acting out, not ‘superior.’ It is childish crap disguise as ‘socializing’ but what it really is is just plain old vicious gossiping because that is how they release negative emotion for which they have no other outlet. Ion many ways I think we can ‘thank’ psychiatry for this. Dysfunctional families don’t resolve their problems and neither does psychiatry. Instead, it’s everybody swallow a pill to make you FEEL different about your problems without ever having to look at them or waste a minute in introspection.
The Capistrano’s’ bunch have continued their daily gossip sessions. So have my new neighbours and they have passed along all the info they get , no matter the source, to keep bus drivers informed. One of them works at one of the Tim Horton’s. The grey bearded Pond’s camera shop guy is still amused and still gossiping.
(I want you to keep reminding yourselves over and over again as you read all this that what I am telling you here is ‘diagnosed’ as my ‘mental illness.” Scottish Rose and the Drone connect again on a bus and keep their opinions updated and going with others. The Drone by the way, enjoys telling stories about ‘patients’ to as many people as she can while she is ‘socializing all day’ including telling stories abut ‘patients’ to other patients, who I turn, mock and ridicule other patients defined as patient. The mocking patients appear to see no connection between their own behaviour and the complaints of the patients they are mocking who ‘believe’ they are being mocked: the crazy things. The Drone has also been bad mouthing me for many years as one of her topics of entertainment, and much of her misinformation is based on the opinions of Homewood staff. Many stories of my ‘incompetence’ have been invented to justify that. (Such as the new one elderly women are circulating again abut how I am so STUPID that I ironed one o f my clients clothes inside out and left them all; that way so the ‘poor’ woman had to turn them all around before she could put them on. (Aren’t I a moron? No WONDER no one wants to hire me!) This story by the way is a total fabrication and it is only one of many. Often the patients doing the mocking when being entertained by the Drone later complain to psychiatrists about others mocking and ridiculing them, which in turn is not believed by psychiatrists, who mock them for believing it.
This is why analogies like “Wonderland’ are used by those of us who are MORE aware of the absurdity of the judgments in this. It fits quite well don’t you think?
“Donna the tenant is now keeping everyone everywhere informed of all she hears and pumps people to get. I have seen her many times in groups with people like Homewood ’s Peggy’ and the head shaver and Jackie and the rest of this bunch.
I have been made aware of staff at three nursing homes who have passed along similar stories amongst themselves and there are connections to Homewood staff at all three. I have also been used as a scapegoat for the faulty work of long term care facility staff members (“covertly’ of course) many times that I am aware of. At one place, the evening staff member knew that a Comcare employee had been there in the morning and though she could see I did a good job, she just wanted to tell me about the horrible one that had been there in the am. Apparently ‘she’ had changed someone and then left a soiled bed pad under the resident and just put another one on top. The actual event was a little different. When the Comcare worker got there, the staff member on day shift had already cleaned up the resident just before she got there so there was nothing to do as far as that pert of the job assignment went. Know how I know that? I was the morning worker there too. AKA: the staff member’s scapegoat. It was the staff member who did that poor job; not the ‘outsider’ who is so disliked by the former Homewood employees who work there and eagerly share their opinion with everyone else. Of curse this is all done in ‘secret’ so don’t let me ‘find out’ about it.
The family members of a client have also been mocking and ridiculing me for years, “covertly’ of course as always) and have also treated the ongoing denigrating gossip on me as ‘entertainment.’ (Now remember, you must invalidate this immediately on auto response so that ‘no one can be blamed’ and stay on auto response at all times so no new information will penetrate your elaborate defense system) I am also assessed as a ‘pretty shabby looking dresser’ by a young man about twenty five or so as I pass him in the centre aisle of Old Quebec St. Mall. I am apparently deaf to him too.
The fortyish guy, the same one who had an amusing discussion with me as the topic with Maggie C. at my bank, has been seen now riding on my new bus route with ‘Donna, ’ the National Enquirer wannabe reporter who has made me her personal information topic apparently. He was discussing with her where ‘she’ lives. Donna seems to have two versions of me going in her own head. That’s because she understands me to be two different people. She has now taking to referring to me to others as ‘The Big Deal’ delivered with unmistakable contempt and derived from her ongoing assessment of me as arrived at by the addicted community’s ‘group consensus’ as in ‘So what’s the big deal about her anyway! ‘ Donna’ has also tried to help bus drivers find my apartment and is said to have told the largely addicted community that hangs around the square all day how to identify my apartment from the BACK. “Friendly’ isn’t she? She has been seen by me gossiping at the fare box with at least five of the bus drivers on her won route. ‘Mike’ the tenant from the same building as Donna has been seen doing the same thing. “She’ is said to live in one of the ‘senior apartments. Mike allegedly wondered if perhaps it might be the Graystone building. Mike here has been part of the bus driver gossip session for many years going way back to the ‘fun’ near the start.
Some of my new neighbours are ‘amused’ that I ‘think’; that Homewood staff members are ‘pretty mean.’ (Har, har, har)
Two blind women from the neighbourhood have also engaged in a new round of “So is that the Pat everyone is talking about?” (Oh my God; my paranoid delusions appear to be contagious! THEY ‘think’ people are talking about me too!)
They also wonder why I would be living there since I am so ‘rich’. Others, especially the addicts it would seem, no doubt after getting all their information from the Mano9r at Homewood for all these years, are quite angry abut what they perceive as the ‘special’ treatment I am getting. (12 years on a waiting list is pretty ‘special’ since they tell others that it is “three to five years.’ Maybe that is just if you “jump the queue though) many of the addicted community are not as ‘shy’ about expressing their opinion of me as you other ‘personable façade’ types. Neither are the city’s dysfunctional elderly and the city’s abusive teen set from about twelve to twenty. In fact, it is those three general groups along with Homewood staff members (or former staff members) who have been the most vocal. Many of them don’t even bother to pretend they aren’t gossiping. “Poor Margie” from the Manor (as she was described by a female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived) is one who comes to mind. This was the SAME bus driver who stopped her bus on Woolwich St. one night after I got off on the way home and then sat waiting to see where I went while talking about it with a staff member from Riverside Glen. It was the next day that three bus drivers were walking past my block on a break, then when they saw me seeing them, ran around the corner in an attempt to ‘hide’ (as usual) and I believe they got picked up by Sue on 7/22 and rode back to the square with her.
A couple of university students were sitting on the bus discussing what I had told Homewood all those years ago on my own answering machine, which I then repeated over and over in letters sent to them. One male jerk sitting right behind me and discussing it too added, “So, do you think you are having one of your psychic attacks right now?” while he and his idiot biddy did a little bonding though contempt which the dysfunctional so love to do. I resisted the strong urge to answer him saying, “Why yes. I am getting a flash vision right now of you and your buddy here growing up to become yet two more morons’ with university degrees.’ How’s that for ‘psychic.’ Perhaps the university could observe you for the next fifteen years and see how accurate I am on that one? Of course, if I HAD said this, he probably would not have know I was talking to him, and even if he did, he likely would not have been able to decipher the ‘code’ in which I am presumed to be speaking.
The martin’s mall food court table wiper is still at it. I assume the aboriginal looking 35ish guy is still relaying all the latest gossip he gets from the mall every day to the bus drivers who are out there on that route as I have seen him do before.
Here is a great ‘mall’ story you will all n just love:
A teen girl was fired from the A & W at the mall. Apparently she has told people she knows this “Pat’ who used to work there too. (Whether that has any basis in truth I don’t know of course. It may or may not be true that some “Pat’ worked there) In any case, this “pat’ apparently doesn’t work there any more according to this sullen teen. Know why? Because, according to this teen aged girl’s story to bus passengers, this Pat made the customers wait telling them she couldn’t serve them because she ‘was talking to God right now.” The bus passengers around her then went into a fascinating debate on how much ‘talking to God’ should be considered to be ‘normal’ in relation to the necessity of serving customers. This they decided was true even though all this “pat’ did was slice tomatoes and cucumbers apparently. It was the running OUT of tomato slices which got her fired. (I thought to myself, “Yessiree Bob,, as a bus passenger I know says over and over again, ‘I’m fired!’ and I am living in one big insane asylum, Yessiree Bob!)
Did you know that to some of the locals I am a transvestite male? (I believe this is a blend of me and the late Didi) Did also sent time being the topic in housing among the same group of gossips. Why just a week or so ago, one of the regulars from the library Internet system pointed me out to his two children saying, “See that lady? Well that lady is really a man.”
A bus driver whom I have witnessed gossiping with the library staff sees me on the street and is amused and laughing again. I was trying to connect to Mrs. Gatling again, concretely, so she would stop the hollering on the streets she goes into all too often now. I am sure this too likely go an ‘interpretation’ by the bus drivers that invalidated both of us while providing some entertainment value for them. They are easily entertained. When I see him on his bus or when he sees me closer to him on the streets, he pretends he does not know me. Most of them do. It is a ‘split consciousness’ kind of game for the normals. THEY determine the extent of the other’s conscious awareness, dictate that to us and then react to their own pre-determined beliefs. We don’t really even need to be there since we have about as much presence to them as inanimate objects. I like to call this game; ‘Now you see me and now you don’t.’ if I look puzzled by this behaviour of the other, they ‘interpret’ that too as my ‘confusion’ (which it used to be) or else my stupidity. (Which is never was)
These are also some of the same people who can not decipher why I sometimes speak to them and sometimes don’t. After all THEY know when their behaviour is visible to me and when it isn’t. So they treat me and react to me, in accordance with their beliefs about who I am.
An ongoing analysis of the situation by the Vin Joy shoe guy with those others he has kept informed still exists. They like to put names on it and evaluate it all; no input from me necessary of course. But then, they can’t really ask me since they are hiding this from me and also because it is really none of their damned business in the first place, which they already know. Since they know that, they have to pretend they don’t know anything at in order to keep up the appearance of good boundaries even though they don’t have any boundaries at all. (See I am starting to think like ‘normal’ people. My façade is not as practiced yet but I am working on it.
Many of the participants have been quite upset because I took a couple of photos in the town square for my personal memory book. The usual snarling and hissing followed along with a few ‘corrective; comments form all my superiors and a few threats of boundary violating behaviour. (One was going to take that camera right off of me!)
Anal Annie has had herself a few laughs sharing her opinions of me and what has happened to me with a group of others, many of them strangers to her. She told some of them how I lost my job over it (ha,..ha… ha…) If I am not willing to pretend I can’t see her insulting me four feet away and then chat with her about basically nothing on the bus later, she gets quite put out and then tells others how rude I am to her. She shakes her head with contempt and then tells anyone who will listen how she doesn’t like me at all. I just hope that will motivate her to stop talking but I think I am expecting too much from this one.
Annie also likes to point out the ‘crazies’ to the other bus passengers. Annie is herself one of the ‘crazies’ and another Manor graduate, but appears to consider herself to be one of the ‘superior’ ones in the madness hierarchy.
A resident of the Matrix, who uses the word processor at the library likes to bond with staff by making remarks about others who do the same as he. Latest comment on me, when I had beaten him to the WP: “I didn’t know that the library was supporting extortion.” (smirk) He too discusses the ‘crazies’ with other people, giving his in depth analysis of their personality problems. He excludes himself of course.
Another discussion has taken place apparently with the Powers that Be (Homewood and Police) and they are ‘trying to get documentation of how dangerous I and/or Mrs. Gatling is depending upon who various groups of gossips believe “they” are talking about and which of us is now under public observation. Library staff, (it is said) ‘have been asked questions.” The public at large also keeps repeating, “Well, I guess we are going to find out for sure who she is soon…”
I am now being faulted for refusing the generous offer of a ‘disability pension’ as I had no choice of course. I had to tell the truth or be faulted for that too.
(“Do you think you are not being given work because your employer believes that you are ill?”) I am also being faulted for trying to hang on to what is left of my job yet I am ‘not working enough.’ Both of these positions are seen as my flaws of course and not the result of group behaviour. They all deny the attempt to cover up their participation, and their behaviour, and deny responsibility for IT. (I have a bit of documentation on my employer’s choices too and a number of rumours about it as well.
Back in 94/95 I was told by the Comcare offce here “Sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.” I also once heard that Brian Furlong was once at the office instructing them on how to handle me while avoiding all direct communication at the same time. They sure could talk to everyone else about it though. Other employees were even alleged to have been calling the office to see if the office staff had ‘heard anything unusual about Pat Lefave.’
OH yes, tenant ‘Donna’ has managed to make a gossiping connection to Susan at the Library, so she’ll have lots to take back out to the streets for her daily routine. Donna doesn’t think I am very ‘friendly’ either. Of course, she has no idea why that would be. The disdainful court offices woman who used to talk to Nancy (also court offices) on the #1 bus route, and who has been seen in the past with the guy I call ‘Intrepid”, stops to have a few words with the downtown cop (Maurice I believe is his name)
A Homewood staff member continues to discuss me with many of the ‘graduates’ of the Manor, while on her daily rounds downtown. She is married to a city employee I believe. I used to see him smirking at Homewood too and assumed he worked on the Manor. Apparently not. These ‘graduates’ then pass along everything they here from staff and also form other graduates, many of whom are in the twelve step programs. (Like Ian C. for example) Many of the people acting this all out for me, then and now, are part of this group. ‘Coincidentally’ so was Harry C., Sean M., and Reid Finlayson.
(A. lot of the rumours heard make more sense to me and seem more likely to be true than some others, now that I have identified many of these people who used to be ‘strangers to me.’ )
Someone has suggested the cause: “this just shows you that you better be careful about who falls in love with you because if it is the ‘wrong’ person, you can get attacked for it.’
Tenants form the buildings around me continue to pass along all the rumours they hear, most of them fabricated themselves, to bus drivers and other tenants. (this of course is being kept ‘secret’ from me)
Dr. Brian O. points me out to a young woman as I pass the Bookshelf, just as he is on his way in. (he goes there a lot) “That’s her,’ he says and she looks at me closely. (I wonder, is this one of the times he ‘thinks’ I can see him and hear him or one of the times when he ‘thinks; he is concealed? I never know)
Other tenants bad mouth me on the bus and some of the say they don’t really care if I hear them or not. One of them has suggested I am a thief. This ‘thief’ bit is the third time I have heard this going around. Once before it was suggested by one of my dysfunctional clients (who did it often to others as well) it was also suggested by a client I had afterward who had a hidden agenda (which I could actually explain to you but won’t) and who told me with an air of suspicion’ that she ‘used to live on Liverpool St .” (So I assume she got the innocent and mystified landlord and daughter version of me as ‘allegedly’ was passed along by Dale)
One of the addicts from the Manor (and there were several while this was going on ) who moved into my address on Woolwich St. (all really nice guys’ according to my landlord) passed along information from the manor to his buddy who moved in next door and whose then wife (?) or girlfriend, then passed whatever version of ‘reality’ that was, along to Ann who worked at Upsdell’s in the evening. This guy from next door was just seen gossiping with Ed P. Of Fresh Start, in the town square. This same guy has pointed me out in Old Quebec St. to some of his buddies, one of whom looks a lot like him and is likely his brother.
A psychiatrized woman, also a Manor graduate, likes to shout out at me on the bus. (She does not really know me at all) When I don’t respond to her boundary violating noise as she wants, she mouths off to other passengers about how she is going to get back at me. “I don’t like her at all’ she proclaims to anyone who will listen whether she knows them or not either. She considers her won behaviour own be ‘friendly.’
I have sent my blog addresses to a number of people involved in one way or another and have received no direct communication form any of them , which is par for the curse. I did hear that one of them ‘took that right to the doctor’ while diagnosing my direct attempt at genuine two way communication as ‘obsessing.’
Elizabeth Schramm, Homewood social worker involved in the core group on Hamilton 3, all the way back to 95 at least, passed through the Library at noon one day and saw me at the word processor there. When Mary Ellen came back form her lunch break, she asked another employee how long I had been there. And then told the staff member, “She said that was her sitting there at noon.’ Mary Ellen also knows the woman who worked (or still works) in Transitional Care at Homewood . Some of you may remember me telling you years ago that one of the people talking abut me on the streets of town was Brian S., VLA. I also later saw him pick up this same woman from work at transitional care.
(Are you getting any of the connections to the ‘strangers talking about’ me yet? Or is that still one of my ‘signs’ so it won’t be one of your ‘signs’?)
Danny, one of my former client’s nasty daughters, the Big Hawaiian, Donna the gossiping tenant, and Steve, have all connected to gossip together or at various times in the town square and pass all the crap along to bus drivers again. Wonder if Jimmy H. is still passing it all along to the older partner of the law firm of MacElderry and Morris as he was before?
'''They' are documenting everything so they can determine how dangerous she is.'' Donna, the gossiping housing tenant is standing at the fare box of the bus again one day to identify me (her version of me) for the bus driver as I step on the bus. ‘That’s her’, she tells him from two feet away using my new community name. She is also telling some of the towns’ addicted folks, Out of the same group of people who were uttering death threats at me while I was inside Homewood that she thinks that ‘she is a woman who lives in the building next to me.’
The story of a picture which was supplied by my younger sister made the rounds again.
The mall table wipers say that someone was told that I was up in a tree outside and that ‘he’ went to look to see if I was still there.’ (har har har)
Mrs. Gatling has concluded that some of the remarks being made AT her, are not about her, as her sister was never here so they can’t mean that She did this as self talk in the library. No doubt it was judged to be meaningless by those who cannot see any meaning in it from their own point of view.
OK. Well from now on only the brief themes of the month will appear on this blog. Now we are going to my point of view and what I think and feel about all of you which will go on Patricia’s Razor. It will not be an attempt to give you evidence you don’t want. It will be my choice to just go ahead and tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.
Story Teller’s ‘Enlightenment.’
Keep telling yourselves as you do this day after day, year after year, fabricating more stories and passing them along to everyone you know that your vicious gossip followed by your denial of it all, and my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations’ are EXACTLY THE SAME EVENT.
This will take some complex math skills to do.
You must understand that one and one equals two.
I am about to post more of September’s acting out but I just had to do this one first. I just got off the bus after being treated to a little performance by two of the tenants in the building next to me. One of them is the newer star of the gossiping routine doing her usual daily performance and the other has joined in. They also included a third person, younger but enjoying the contempt and disdain of her supporting role. Their act today went like this: First there was another round of how I managed to qualify for housing (since I’m rich) followed by a discussion about today’s evaluations of me in the community now that they have apparently ‘found out’ who they have actually been bad mouthing all this time. Now the bad mouthing has not stopped but it has now shifted in tone slightly and now it is more directed at me personally since I have been identified. There was another round of ‘what’s the big deal?’ which is something this newer star gossip has been asking everyone she can, including some bus drivers even when she did NOT know who she was talking about. They were discussing changing apartments and moving into my building was mentioned along with “You could move over there where “The Big Deal” lives.’ (They shared a contemptuous little laugh together and then the three of them took turns looking right at me closer to the back of the bus. The Main Mouthpiece then stated, “So it’s the exact opposite…what is so difficult about seeing that? (They shook their contemptuous little heads together in the negative) Mouthpiece added. Maybe she needed someone to draw her a picture. You’re an artist right? Maybe you could do that…(ha ha ha ) They keep saying it’s amazing…(yes I know. I have heard that at east five thousand times by now ) What’s so amazing about it (they asked each other, more head shaking and another look back at me in unison this time) What’s so amazing? So she got on the Internet, big deal. “
Now I actually agree this is not that amazing in the way that THEY believe it to be since they really don’t understand it, but obviously believe they do, and better than I do. The other thing they don’t understand is that they are all perfectly obvious to me since they are acting out something that I have known for years and had repeated to me in one form or another, year after year, by people acting just like this three, who believe they are a mystery to me because they are sure they are MORE aware than I am when in fact, they are far LESS aware than I am. I didn’t understand that before since it seemed impossible; but I do now. These are the kind of people who behave this way about me, in my presence and then the next time they see me alone or a few feet closure, put on their saccharine smiles and pseudo ‘friendliness’ and can’t figure out why I don’t bother with them. They conclude it must be some psychological problem I am having since it can’t be them; after all, they are ‘normal.’ By the way, at least two of these three are ‘compliant’ psychiatrized people, both of who have done at least one round at the Manor at Homewood . Are you starting to get the picture? It has been the addicted community that has been the most vocal about their opinions. Guess why.
All of these performances are just old news to me and have been for a very long time. When I hear them coming out of the mouths of new people, like these tow who live near me, it is not something I don’t know about them. It is a whole lot they don’t know about me and themselves. After people like me manage to figure this out, while such people try to make sure we can’t so they can keep their own delusions going, this stuff gets to be a real bore. It is like watching the same dysfunctional play repeated over and over again ad infinite, in a performance that never varies or adds anything new. As Dale pointed out, in that vague and abstract way of his training, The play’s the thing, “Shakespeare.” But you see, I already knew that from my own life experience. You might say he paid to be trained to be an a**hole where as, I was trained by a**holes in my life, for FREE.
OK now back to the September update on “Citizens Acting Out.”
Other psychiatrized people who are also connected to the addicted community and the mall evaluators point me out to each other from fur feet away saying, “that’s her.’ They share a little laugh together. They do no connect their own ‘talking about me’ with being told THEMSELVES that ‘believing people are talking about you’ is a sign of ‘mental illness’ Ii both them and me. The hardest thing to wrap my head around in this and for others to do too is the most simple and obvious details. I ‘think’ People are talking a but me because they are the people talking about me which is perfectly obvious. They ‘think’ it must be some ‘other’ imaginary people I ‘think’ are talking about me, since they are sure that ‘dumb and unconscious as I am, I could not possibly know about them and their talking since they ‘think’ they are well hidden form me even four feet away, while doing all the talking. The whole experience is just like that in all the details. They STILL can’t see it but they also still believe they have the superior understanding and that I must be a real moron not to be able to see what is so easy for THEM!. It is just laughable and I would probably Still be ‘laughing’ for no reason’ if the ‘joke’ hadn’t been repeated so often that the humour has worn off. Now it just looks stupid and boring and oh so arrogant to watch people do this. It is amazing to me too but for a whole other reason. I am ‘amazed’ too but what I ma amazed about is the amount of time and energy devoted to denying this and supporting and enabling dysfunction. It is like if they can’t be superior, they don’t know what else they could be. That used to confuse me but now I get this as ‘fear based’ behaviour. Most of these people swallow something so they don’t have to feel anything and yet they still obviously have a lot of rage backed up or they wouldn’t be spending so much time looking for surrogates to dump it on. It never seems to occur to them that I don’t ‘socialize; with this type because I think they are sickening and juvenile in their thinking and acting out, not ‘superior.’ It is childish crap disguise as ‘socializing’ but what it really is is just plain old vicious gossiping because that is how they release negative emotion for which they have no other outlet. Ion many ways I think we can ‘thank’ psychiatry for this. Dysfunctional families don’t resolve their problems and neither does psychiatry. Instead, it’s everybody swallow a pill to make you FEEL different about your problems without ever having to look at them or waste a minute in introspection.
The Capistrano’s’ bunch have continued their daily gossip sessions. So have my new neighbours and they have passed along all the info they get , no matter the source, to keep bus drivers informed. One of them works at one of the Tim Horton’s. The grey bearded Pond’s camera shop guy is still amused and still gossiping.
(I want you to keep reminding yourselves over and over again as you read all this that what I am telling you here is ‘diagnosed’ as my ‘mental illness.” Scottish Rose and the Drone connect again on a bus and keep their opinions updated and going with others. The Drone by the way, enjoys telling stories about ‘patients’ to as many people as she can while she is ‘socializing all day’ including telling stories abut ‘patients’ to other patients, who I turn, mock and ridicule other patients defined as patient. The mocking patients appear to see no connection between their own behaviour and the complaints of the patients they are mocking who ‘believe’ they are being mocked: the crazy things. The Drone has also been bad mouthing me for many years as one of her topics of entertainment, and much of her misinformation is based on the opinions of Homewood staff. Many stories of my ‘incompetence’ have been invented to justify that. (Such as the new one elderly women are circulating again abut how I am so STUPID that I ironed one o f my clients clothes inside out and left them all; that way so the ‘poor’ woman had to turn them all around before she could put them on. (Aren’t I a moron? No WONDER no one wants to hire me!) This story by the way is a total fabrication and it is only one of many. Often the patients doing the mocking when being entertained by the Drone later complain to psychiatrists about others mocking and ridiculing them, which in turn is not believed by psychiatrists, who mock them for believing it.
This is why analogies like “Wonderland’ are used by those of us who are MORE aware of the absurdity of the judgments in this. It fits quite well don’t you think?
“Donna the tenant is now keeping everyone everywhere informed of all she hears and pumps people to get. I have seen her many times in groups with people like Homewood ’s Peggy’ and the head shaver and Jackie and the rest of this bunch.
I have been made aware of staff at three nursing homes who have passed along similar stories amongst themselves and there are connections to Homewood staff at all three. I have also been used as a scapegoat for the faulty work of long term care facility staff members (“covertly’ of course) many times that I am aware of. At one place, the evening staff member knew that a Comcare employee had been there in the morning and though she could see I did a good job, she just wanted to tell me about the horrible one that had been there in the am. Apparently ‘she’ had changed someone and then left a soiled bed pad under the resident and just put another one on top. The actual event was a little different. When the Comcare worker got there, the staff member on day shift had already cleaned up the resident just before she got there so there was nothing to do as far as that pert of the job assignment went. Know how I know that? I was the morning worker there too. AKA: the staff member’s scapegoat. It was the staff member who did that poor job; not the ‘outsider’ who is so disliked by the former Homewood employees who work there and eagerly share their opinion with everyone else. Of curse this is all done in ‘secret’ so don’t let me ‘find out’ about it.
The family members of a client have also been mocking and ridiculing me for years, “covertly’ of course as always) and have also treated the ongoing denigrating gossip on me as ‘entertainment.’ (Now remember, you must invalidate this immediately on auto response so that ‘no one can be blamed’ and stay on auto response at all times so no new information will penetrate your elaborate defense system) I am also assessed as a ‘pretty shabby looking dresser’ by a young man about twenty five or so as I pass him in the centre aisle of Old Quebec St. Mall. I am apparently deaf to him too.
The fortyish guy, the same one who had an amusing discussion with me as the topic with Maggie C. at my bank, has been seen now riding on my new bus route with ‘Donna, ’ the National Enquirer wannabe reporter who has made me her personal information topic apparently. He was discussing with her where ‘she’ lives. Donna seems to have two versions of me going in her own head. That’s because she understands me to be two different people. She has now taking to referring to me to others as ‘The Big Deal’ delivered with unmistakable contempt and derived from her ongoing assessment of me as arrived at by the addicted community’s ‘group consensus’ as in ‘So what’s the big deal about her anyway! ‘ Donna’ has also tried to help bus drivers find my apartment and is said to have told the largely addicted community that hangs around the square all day how to identify my apartment from the BACK. “Friendly’ isn’t she? She has been seen by me gossiping at the fare box with at least five of the bus drivers on her won route. ‘Mike’ the tenant from the same building as Donna has been seen doing the same thing. “She’ is said to live in one of the ‘senior apartments. Mike allegedly wondered if perhaps it might be the Graystone building. Mike here has been part of the bus driver gossip session for many years going way back to the ‘fun’ near the start.
Some of my new neighbours are ‘amused’ that I ‘think’; that Homewood staff members are ‘pretty mean.’ (Har, har, har)
Two blind women from the neighbourhood have also engaged in a new round of “So is that the Pat everyone is talking about?” (Oh my God; my paranoid delusions appear to be contagious! THEY ‘think’ people are talking about me too!)
They also wonder why I would be living there since I am so ‘rich’. Others, especially the addicts it would seem, no doubt after getting all their information from the Mano9r at Homewood for all these years, are quite angry abut what they perceive as the ‘special’ treatment I am getting. (12 years on a waiting list is pretty ‘special’ since they tell others that it is “three to five years.’ Maybe that is just if you “jump the queue though) many of the addicted community are not as ‘shy’ about expressing their opinion of me as you other ‘personable façade’ types. Neither are the city’s dysfunctional elderly and the city’s abusive teen set from about twelve to twenty. In fact, it is those three general groups along with Homewood staff members (or former staff members) who have been the most vocal. Many of them don’t even bother to pretend they aren’t gossiping. “Poor Margie” from the Manor (as she was described by a female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived) is one who comes to mind. This was the SAME bus driver who stopped her bus on Woolwich St. one night after I got off on the way home and then sat waiting to see where I went while talking about it with a staff member from Riverside Glen. It was the next day that three bus drivers were walking past my block on a break, then when they saw me seeing them, ran around the corner in an attempt to ‘hide’ (as usual) and I believe they got picked up by Sue on 7/22 and rode back to the square with her.
A couple of university students were sitting on the bus discussing what I had told Homewood all those years ago on my own answering machine, which I then repeated over and over in letters sent to them. One male jerk sitting right behind me and discussing it too added, “So, do you think you are having one of your psychic attacks right now?” while he and his idiot biddy did a little bonding though contempt which the dysfunctional so love to do. I resisted the strong urge to answer him saying, “Why yes. I am getting a flash vision right now of you and your buddy here growing up to become yet two more morons’ with university degrees.’ How’s that for ‘psychic.’ Perhaps the university could observe you for the next fifteen years and see how accurate I am on that one? Of course, if I HAD said this, he probably would not have know I was talking to him, and even if he did, he likely would not have been able to decipher the ‘code’ in which I am presumed to be speaking.
The martin’s mall food court table wiper is still at it. I assume the aboriginal looking 35ish guy is still relaying all the latest gossip he gets from the mall every day to the bus drivers who are out there on that route as I have seen him do before.
Here is a great ‘mall’ story you will all n just love:
A teen girl was fired from the A & W at the mall. Apparently she has told people she knows this “Pat’ who used to work there too. (Whether that has any basis in truth I don’t know of course. It may or may not be true that some “Pat’ worked there) In any case, this “pat’ apparently doesn’t work there any more according to this sullen teen. Know why? Because, according to this teen aged girl’s story to bus passengers, this Pat made the customers wait telling them she couldn’t serve them because she ‘was talking to God right now.” The bus passengers around her then went into a fascinating debate on how much ‘talking to God’ should be considered to be ‘normal’ in relation to the necessity of serving customers. This they decided was true even though all this “pat’ did was slice tomatoes and cucumbers apparently. It was the running OUT of tomato slices which got her fired. (I thought to myself, “Yessiree Bob,, as a bus passenger I know says over and over again, ‘I’m fired!’ and I am living in one big insane asylum, Yessiree Bob!)
Did you know that to some of the locals I am a transvestite male? (I believe this is a blend of me and the late Didi) Did also sent time being the topic in housing among the same group of gossips. Why just a week or so ago, one of the regulars from the library Internet system pointed me out to his two children saying, “See that lady? Well that lady is really a man.”
A bus driver whom I have witnessed gossiping with the library staff sees me on the street and is amused and laughing again. I was trying to connect to Mrs. Gatling again, concretely, so she would stop the hollering on the streets she goes into all too often now. I am sure this too likely go an ‘interpretation’ by the bus drivers that invalidated both of us while providing some entertainment value for them. They are easily entertained. When I see him on his bus or when he sees me closer to him on the streets, he pretends he does not know me. Most of them do. It is a ‘split consciousness’ kind of game for the normals. THEY determine the extent of the other’s conscious awareness, dictate that to us and then react to their own pre-determined beliefs. We don’t really even need to be there since we have about as much presence to them as inanimate objects. I like to call this game; ‘Now you see me and now you don’t.’ if I look puzzled by this behaviour of the other, they ‘interpret’ that too as my ‘confusion’ (which it used to be) or else my stupidity. (Which is never was)
These are also some of the same people who can not decipher why I sometimes speak to them and sometimes don’t. After all THEY know when their behaviour is visible to me and when it isn’t. So they treat me and react to me, in accordance with their beliefs about who I am.
An ongoing analysis of the situation by the Vin Joy shoe guy with those others he has kept informed still exists. They like to put names on it and evaluate it all; no input from me necessary of course. But then, they can’t really ask me since they are hiding this from me and also because it is really none of their damned business in the first place, which they already know. Since they know that, they have to pretend they don’t know anything at in order to keep up the appearance of good boundaries even though they don’t have any boundaries at all. (See I am starting to think like ‘normal’ people. My façade is not as practiced yet but I am working on it.
Many of the participants have been quite upset because I took a couple of photos in the town square for my personal memory book. The usual snarling and hissing followed along with a few ‘corrective; comments form all my superiors and a few threats of boundary violating behaviour. (One was going to take that camera right off of me!)
Anal Annie has had herself a few laughs sharing her opinions of me and what has happened to me with a group of others, many of them strangers to her. She told some of them how I lost my job over it (ha,..ha… ha…) If I am not willing to pretend I can’t see her insulting me four feet away and then chat with her about basically nothing on the bus later, she gets quite put out and then tells others how rude I am to her. She shakes her head with contempt and then tells anyone who will listen how she doesn’t like me at all. I just hope that will motivate her to stop talking but I think I am expecting too much from this one.
Annie also likes to point out the ‘crazies’ to the other bus passengers. Annie is herself one of the ‘crazies’ and another Manor graduate, but appears to consider herself to be one of the ‘superior’ ones in the madness hierarchy.
A resident of the Matrix, who uses the word processor at the library likes to bond with staff by making remarks about others who do the same as he. Latest comment on me, when I had beaten him to the WP: “I didn’t know that the library was supporting extortion.” (smirk) He too discusses the ‘crazies’ with other people, giving his in depth analysis of their personality problems. He excludes himself of course.
Another discussion has taken place apparently with the Powers that Be (Homewood and Police) and they are ‘trying to get documentation of how dangerous I and/or Mrs. Gatling is depending upon who various groups of gossips believe “they” are talking about and which of us is now under public observation. Library staff, (it is said) ‘have been asked questions.” The public at large also keeps repeating, “Well, I guess we are going to find out for sure who she is soon…”
I am now being faulted for refusing the generous offer of a ‘disability pension’ as I had no choice of course. I had to tell the truth or be faulted for that too.
(“Do you think you are not being given work because your employer believes that you are ill?”) I am also being faulted for trying to hang on to what is left of my job yet I am ‘not working enough.’ Both of these positions are seen as my flaws of course and not the result of group behaviour. They all deny the attempt to cover up their participation, and their behaviour, and deny responsibility for IT. (I have a bit of documentation on my employer’s choices too and a number of rumours about it as well.
Back in 94/95 I was told by the Comcare offce here “Sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.” I also once heard that Brian Furlong was once at the office instructing them on how to handle me while avoiding all direct communication at the same time. They sure could talk to everyone else about it though. Other employees were even alleged to have been calling the office to see if the office staff had ‘heard anything unusual about Pat Lefave.’
OH yes, tenant ‘Donna’ has managed to make a gossiping connection to Susan at the Library, so she’ll have lots to take back out to the streets for her daily routine. Donna doesn’t think I am very ‘friendly’ either. Of course, she has no idea why that would be. The disdainful court offices woman who used to talk to Nancy (also court offices) on the #1 bus route, and who has been seen in the past with the guy I call ‘Intrepid”, stops to have a few words with the downtown cop (Maurice I believe is his name)
A Homewood staff member continues to discuss me with many of the ‘graduates’ of the Manor, while on her daily rounds downtown. She is married to a city employee I believe. I used to see him smirking at Homewood too and assumed he worked on the Manor. Apparently not. These ‘graduates’ then pass along everything they here from staff and also form other graduates, many of whom are in the twelve step programs. (Like Ian C. for example) Many of the people acting this all out for me, then and now, are part of this group. ‘Coincidentally’ so was Harry C., Sean M., and Reid Finlayson.
(A. lot of the rumours heard make more sense to me and seem more likely to be true than some others, now that I have identified many of these people who used to be ‘strangers to me.’ )
Someone has suggested the cause: “this just shows you that you better be careful about who falls in love with you because if it is the ‘wrong’ person, you can get attacked for it.’
Tenants form the buildings around me continue to pass along all the rumours they hear, most of them fabricated themselves, to bus drivers and other tenants. (this of course is being kept ‘secret’ from me)
Dr. Brian O. points me out to a young woman as I pass the Bookshelf, just as he is on his way in. (he goes there a lot) “That’s her,’ he says and she looks at me closely. (I wonder, is this one of the times he ‘thinks’ I can see him and hear him or one of the times when he ‘thinks; he is concealed? I never know)
Other tenants bad mouth me on the bus and some of the say they don’t really care if I hear them or not. One of them has suggested I am a thief. This ‘thief’ bit is the third time I have heard this going around. Once before it was suggested by one of my dysfunctional clients (who did it often to others as well) it was also suggested by a client I had afterward who had a hidden agenda (which I could actually explain to you but won’t) and who told me with an air of suspicion’ that she ‘used to live on Liverpool St .” (So I assume she got the innocent and mystified landlord and daughter version of me as ‘allegedly’ was passed along by Dale)
One of the addicts from the Manor (and there were several while this was going on ) who moved into my address on Woolwich St. (all really nice guys’ according to my landlord) passed along information from the manor to his buddy who moved in next door and whose then wife (?) or girlfriend, then passed whatever version of ‘reality’ that was, along to Ann who worked at Upsdell’s in the evening. This guy from next door was just seen gossiping with Ed P. Of Fresh Start, in the town square. This same guy has pointed me out in Old Quebec St. to some of his buddies, one of whom looks a lot like him and is likely his brother.
A psychiatrized woman, also a Manor graduate, likes to shout out at me on the bus. (She does not really know me at all) When I don’t respond to her boundary violating noise as she wants, she mouths off to other passengers about how she is going to get back at me. “I don’t like her at all’ she proclaims to anyone who will listen whether she knows them or not either. She considers her won behaviour own be ‘friendly.’
I have sent my blog addresses to a number of people involved in one way or another and have received no direct communication form any of them , which is par for the curse. I did hear that one of them ‘took that right to the doctor’ while diagnosing my direct attempt at genuine two way communication as ‘obsessing.’
Elizabeth Schramm, Homewood social worker involved in the core group on Hamilton 3, all the way back to 95 at least, passed through the Library at noon one day and saw me at the word processor there. When Mary Ellen came back form her lunch break, she asked another employee how long I had been there. And then told the staff member, “She said that was her sitting there at noon.’ Mary Ellen also knows the woman who worked (or still works) in Transitional Care at Homewood . Some of you may remember me telling you years ago that one of the people talking abut me on the streets of town was Brian S., VLA. I also later saw him pick up this same woman from work at transitional care.
(Are you getting any of the connections to the ‘strangers talking about’ me yet? Or is that still one of my ‘signs’ so it won’t be one of your ‘signs’?)
Danny, one of my former client’s nasty daughters, the Big Hawaiian, Donna the gossiping tenant, and Steve, have all connected to gossip together or at various times in the town square and pass all the crap along to bus drivers again. Wonder if Jimmy H. is still passing it all along to the older partner of the law firm of MacElderry and Morris as he was before?
'''They' are documenting everything so they can determine how dangerous she is.'' Donna, the gossiping housing tenant is standing at the fare box of the bus again one day to identify me (her version of me) for the bus driver as I step on the bus. ‘That’s her’, she tells him from two feet away using my new community name. She is also telling some of the towns’ addicted folks, Out of the same group of people who were uttering death threats at me while I was inside Homewood that she thinks that ‘she is a woman who lives in the building next to me.’
The story of a picture which was supplied by my younger sister made the rounds again.
The mall table wipers say that someone was told that I was up in a tree outside and that ‘he’ went to look to see if I was still there.’ (har har har)
Mrs. Gatling has concluded that some of the remarks being made AT her, are not about her, as her sister was never here so they can’t mean that She did this as self talk in the library. No doubt it was judged to be meaningless by those who cannot see any meaning in it from their own point of view.
OK. Well from now on only the brief themes of the month will appear on this blog. Now we are going to my point of view and what I think and feel about all of you which will go on Patricia’s Razor. It will not be an attempt to give you evidence you don’t want. It will be my choice to just go ahead and tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.
Story Teller’s ‘Enlightenment.’
Keep telling yourselves as you do this day after day, year after year, fabricating more stories and passing them along to everyone you know that your vicious gossip followed by your denial of it all, and my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations’ are EXACTLY THE SAME EVENT.
This will take some complex math skills to do.
You must understand that one and one equals two.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Continuing Guelphite Assessment of Me
As Defined by the Ongoing Group Consensus
So another name has been added to the ever growing list of public assessors. This one does much ‘socializing’ in all the housing projects too. She is reconnecting the former gossips going years back too. Today (October 10th) I saw her in the square talking to ‘Jackie’ the head shaver’s sister and also ‘Terry’ one of the members of the groups from the Manor also seen in the past with the man I call ‘Intrepid.”
On the street it is said, “She’s the real deal. It’s all true.’’ Recently, I have also heard again that a ‘he’ was ‘a little bit concerned as she has not seen her family for a long time.’ I wonder to myself which ‘he’ that is and what it is that ‘concerns him’ so about my life and experience of it but which does NOT concern him enough to bother talking directly to me instead of talking it over with everyone else he can find. Who knows? I have heard a number of ‘hes’ continue to do the same thing and of course, every time they do, all the usual gossips young and old, former and present, do another round on the analysis of me, in absentia as always. I wonder why it never occurs to them that this behaviour of theirs is the problem and not my ‘perception’ of it, which they deny. It is the denial itself, which is causing me, and HAS caused me all the problems. Do any of them, I wonder, actually KNOW what a personal boundary is? I don’t think they do.
I saw the one who performed her ‘crazy’ act for me on the train to Toronto way back in 95, out in front of Wally’s tavern today, smoking. (You remember this don’t you? This was what I first got offered a ‘little something to reduce my awareness for) That could not have happened either according to two psychiatrists back then as it would not be ‘reasonable’ for anyone o behave that way.) She was with the one I call Beer Belly Blondie. He takes his blue bike there with him sometimes. Those with her then (students) were the ones who took my picture on the train to Toronto that time. (This was also invalidated by the system.) Heard over the Guelph transit radio on Sept. 7th, 2007, “Oh this all took place many years ago.” If you are still gossiping about it now, then it is not yet ‘in the past’ is it? As Dale’s training points out to us, there is only the now.” Time is not really ‘linear.’ (That’s one of his ‘game’ concepts.)
October, 10th, 2007. Scottish Rose is still sharing her opinions of my character as she rides the local bus system (she has a police connection somehow; as well as that of many other people) as is her usual habit. I believe we call this ‘levelling’ do we not? There is apparently another round of ‘correcting’ HIM, going on right now. I am reportedly ‘like two different people’ and this is demonstrated by a couple of fabricated stories to ‘prove’ it. I have heard this same thing from my relatives, (indirectly of course). It is done to talk others out of taking my side on things as by group consensus I have been made the ‘bad’ one, even though this is done all day by people who also claim they ‘don’t like to judge’ There are also ‘covert’ stories used to demonstrate their point though I am not ‘allowed’ to know about those ‘stories or to be there to confront the tellers of them as THAT would be ‘inappropriate behaviour’ on MY part. See how well that works to support the story tellers who have no such rules applied to them?” It usually comes after the time I have pushed to resolve an issue and then, in frustration stopped talking when nothing penetrates and it is defined as my ‘seeking attention’ and then ‘withdrawing’ which is ironically true (like in Dale’s game) but is presented as thought it were something strictly contained within me and without having a thing to do with external reality or relationship! A couple of the elderly women from the tow buildings near me now are scowling again at the bus stop again. They have heard some ‘stories’ now you see and they are assessing my personality for me too. Again, they don’t think I am ‘friendly enough.’ They also don’t think I am aware of their judgements and assessments, even though they are acting them out for me from six feet away. This truth is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to bend my mind around in this. It still seems impossible that this many people could be this stupid and lacking in awareness for this long without being ‘joking’ about it. But they aren’t joking. They seriously believe that when they talk about me over and over again, repeating all the same old stories and adding new ones, from a few feet away, I cannot see them or hear them because I am such a dull witted human being that I understand nothing. They know that mostly from Homewood staff too. They have come up with a lot of stories to justify their attack on me. I am sure Dale knew they would too since that is demonstrated in his ‘training’ program. (The ‘game’)
They spent a lot of time at the Volunteer Centre forming a covert (a key word in this whole group action believe me) consensus opinion on how to get rid of me there. After much discussion amongst themselves in ‘secret’ Cathy T. finally told me they were not going to be used anymore by anyone other than those using them looking for volunteer work. I said, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ The last thing anyone there had told me about using the computers there, in a straightforward manner was this: You can use the computer as much as you want Pat. You don’t have to stick to the hour unless there is someone else who wants to use it when you are here, then you will have to quit.’ I agreed and stuck to it. This offer was mad by Carol Ann D. and repeated to me by Chris.
Donna, The Party girl’s gossip connections are great; if there is anything you’d like to know, any crap at all, and accuracy is not important to you, she’s the one to go to. She is connected to all sides of the gossip mongering people; my neighbours, bus drivers, Jackie, head shaver, Terry, Peggy from Homewood and the Capistrano’s daily gossips. Bet if I went looking I would find her in Wally’s at times too. If you can’t find her, look for one of her buddies with white hair and dressed in pink a lot, also in the town square expressing her opinions and I believe she is a resident of another housing unit herself. Just listen in the town square or in the Old Quebec St. centre, at the library etc. and you are bound to pick up some of the juicy (Hallucinations) that I have been diagnosed with. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You will find Donna most days standing at the bus fare box, offering and receiving all of the latest. She reminds me of the one who was always standing at the fare box in 94/95 also with bus driver ‘Chris.’ Some things never change do they? I am still having the same delusions about bus drivers that got me my label way back then. Donna has also managed to connect with Susan at the library, (who we know finds me just lacking in self respect as I ‘throw’ myself at men) as well as many of the current drinkers and users and the graduates of the Manor from Homewood . I find that many of them are still quite ‘grandiose’ in their judgements too. Many of them are not at all shy about expressing their opinion of me too; all based on all of their own stories of course. They don’t actually know me. I have even seen Donna sitting in the square talking to the daughter of a former client of inner. I call her the ‘aging hooker.’ (Not her real identity) Mrs., Hooker has also been bad mouthing me for years along with many others but it is a secret being kept from me so don’t tell cause she has also tried to offer me her saccharine smile after that and personable sounding greetings. I believe you can also get an updated opinion of me from the Vin Joy shoe guy who continues to express his opinion to others and in turn they pass that along, though the shoe guy now sometimes adds, “Of course, it is none of my business really. “ I have not seen the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ with him for a long time but, I have seen “Intrepid’ not long ago with a psychiatrized guy of about 50 who I have also seen many times at the library computers and with whom I have had a short conversation or two. In the distant past, I have seen this “Intrepid’ guy in the halls of Homewood while I was still working there and while the ‘game’ was going on, and once, years ago, I saw him walking up the street talking to Dr. Burslem, now retired from Homewood. Dr. Burslem was also one of my client’s doctors there. Sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?
Another habitué of Wally’s is ‘Wendy’ a middle aged looking woman with curly brown hair who had been heard discussing some of the goings on around all this with the late Jay Newman. These people ALL used to be ‘strangers to me’ that I ‘thought’ were talking about me.
The phrase, “they almost pulled it off’ is heard by me over and over again lately. I wonder who ‘they’ is supposed to be to those saying it. A large number of the residents of the buildings around me now are gossiping constantly and trading stupid stories. Many of them are displaying anger and contempt as they project their judgements at me from six feet away.
One of the female bus drivers who have been gossiping for years and bad mouthing me often looks way form me know and blushes when she sees me. It is one thing to know what they do and quite another to be able to prove it. If I didn’t have Dale’s quote from the game in writing I would have no chance of proving this as it has become more and more complex and with more ‘stories’ added every year designed to protect the GROUP from blame. I have even heard some of them talking about how I looked right at one of them after one of them left me standing at a bus stop on purpose. He was afraid it was going to be a problem for him but was told, “Don’t worry if there is any problem, we’ll take care of it.” I wondered when they announced that ‘solution’ what they MEANT by that exactly. I have told one woman at me new address what they ‘game’ is called and exactly what the results of that have been to me. She has passed something I told her on to one of the older scowling women there at the bus stop who, in turn, gossiped with another one at the bus stop and also collected some information form the one who works at A&W at the mall. ALL of these people consider their story telling to be ‘hidden’ from me. This includes all the new fabrications coming form an assortment of mall crawlers, including the table wiper in the food court who continues to ‘hide’ her gossiping abut me, behind three raised fingers to cover her mouth. Oh, you’ll love this one too: Apparently, they told ‘him’ that I had been outside and in a tree and he beloved them so he went out to look and see if I was still there. Isn’t that just the most ‘hilarious’ thing you have ever heard? And we are both sooooo stupid that we believe these morons too. At least, that is what the morons like to believe. Of course the Martin’s woman would be amazed that I Knew this (since she is hiding in plain sight) but also it does not occur to her that the people she is gossiping with constantly aren’t as she or careful about acting out what she has to say and where they got the information. Tee hee. They have a great long standing group delusion going and they don’t want to lose the entertainment value they get from adding to it all the time. All of them pass along everything they hear to everyone they know and of those, the local loudmouths act it all out for me. Fifteen years it has been going so far and for fifteen years it has been denied. As one of the residents of my new building said as I approached the bus stop, “It just goes to show you. You never really know do you?”
More to come on this post...stay tuned for all the latest forever.
So another name has been added to the ever growing list of public assessors. This one does much ‘socializing’ in all the housing projects too. She is reconnecting the former gossips going years back too. Today (October 10th) I saw her in the square talking to ‘Jackie’ the head shaver’s sister and also ‘Terry’ one of the members of the groups from the Manor also seen in the past with the man I call ‘Intrepid.”
On the street it is said, “She’s the real deal. It’s all true.’’ Recently, I have also heard again that a ‘he’ was ‘a little bit concerned as she has not seen her family for a long time.’ I wonder to myself which ‘he’ that is and what it is that ‘concerns him’ so about my life and experience of it but which does NOT concern him enough to bother talking directly to me instead of talking it over with everyone else he can find. Who knows? I have heard a number of ‘hes’ continue to do the same thing and of course, every time they do, all the usual gossips young and old, former and present, do another round on the analysis of me, in absentia as always. I wonder why it never occurs to them that this behaviour of theirs is the problem and not my ‘perception’ of it, which they deny. It is the denial itself, which is causing me, and HAS caused me all the problems. Do any of them, I wonder, actually KNOW what a personal boundary is? I don’t think they do.
I saw the one who performed her ‘crazy’ act for me on the train to Toronto way back in 95, out in front of Wally’s tavern today, smoking. (You remember this don’t you? This was what I first got offered a ‘little something to reduce my awareness for) That could not have happened either according to two psychiatrists back then as it would not be ‘reasonable’ for anyone o behave that way.) She was with the one I call Beer Belly Blondie. He takes his blue bike there with him sometimes. Those with her then (students) were the ones who took my picture on the train to Toronto that time. (This was also invalidated by the system.) Heard over the Guelph transit radio on Sept. 7th, 2007, “Oh this all took place many years ago.” If you are still gossiping about it now, then it is not yet ‘in the past’ is it? As Dale’s training points out to us, there is only the now.” Time is not really ‘linear.’ (That’s one of his ‘game’ concepts.)
October, 10th, 2007. Scottish Rose is still sharing her opinions of my character as she rides the local bus system (she has a police connection somehow; as well as that of many other people) as is her usual habit. I believe we call this ‘levelling’ do we not? There is apparently another round of ‘correcting’ HIM, going on right now. I am reportedly ‘like two different people’ and this is demonstrated by a couple of fabricated stories to ‘prove’ it. I have heard this same thing from my relatives, (indirectly of course). It is done to talk others out of taking my side on things as by group consensus I have been made the ‘bad’ one, even though this is done all day by people who also claim they ‘don’t like to judge’ There are also ‘covert’ stories used to demonstrate their point though I am not ‘allowed’ to know about those ‘stories or to be there to confront the tellers of them as THAT would be ‘inappropriate behaviour’ on MY part. See how well that works to support the story tellers who have no such rules applied to them?” It usually comes after the time I have pushed to resolve an issue and then, in frustration stopped talking when nothing penetrates and it is defined as my ‘seeking attention’ and then ‘withdrawing’ which is ironically true (like in Dale’s game) but is presented as thought it were something strictly contained within me and without having a thing to do with external reality or relationship! A couple of the elderly women from the tow buildings near me now are scowling again at the bus stop again. They have heard some ‘stories’ now you see and they are assessing my personality for me too. Again, they don’t think I am ‘friendly enough.’ They also don’t think I am aware of their judgements and assessments, even though they are acting them out for me from six feet away. This truth is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to bend my mind around in this. It still seems impossible that this many people could be this stupid and lacking in awareness for this long without being ‘joking’ about it. But they aren’t joking. They seriously believe that when they talk about me over and over again, repeating all the same old stories and adding new ones, from a few feet away, I cannot see them or hear them because I am such a dull witted human being that I understand nothing. They know that mostly from Homewood staff too. They have come up with a lot of stories to justify their attack on me. I am sure Dale knew they would too since that is demonstrated in his ‘training’ program. (The ‘game’)
They spent a lot of time at the Volunteer Centre forming a covert (a key word in this whole group action believe me) consensus opinion on how to get rid of me there. After much discussion amongst themselves in ‘secret’ Cathy T. finally told me they were not going to be used anymore by anyone other than those using them looking for volunteer work. I said, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ The last thing anyone there had told me about using the computers there, in a straightforward manner was this: You can use the computer as much as you want Pat. You don’t have to stick to the hour unless there is someone else who wants to use it when you are here, then you will have to quit.’ I agreed and stuck to it. This offer was mad by Carol Ann D. and repeated to me by Chris.
Donna, The Party girl’s gossip connections are great; if there is anything you’d like to know, any crap at all, and accuracy is not important to you, she’s the one to go to. She is connected to all sides of the gossip mongering people; my neighbours, bus drivers, Jackie, head shaver, Terry, Peggy from Homewood and the Capistrano’s daily gossips. Bet if I went looking I would find her in Wally’s at times too. If you can’t find her, look for one of her buddies with white hair and dressed in pink a lot, also in the town square expressing her opinions and I believe she is a resident of another housing unit herself. Just listen in the town square or in the Old Quebec St. centre, at the library etc. and you are bound to pick up some of the juicy (Hallucinations) that I have been diagnosed with. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You will find Donna most days standing at the bus fare box, offering and receiving all of the latest. She reminds me of the one who was always standing at the fare box in 94/95 also with bus driver ‘Chris.’ Some things never change do they? I am still having the same delusions about bus drivers that got me my label way back then. Donna has also managed to connect with Susan at the library, (who we know finds me just lacking in self respect as I ‘throw’ myself at men) as well as many of the current drinkers and users and the graduates of the Manor from Homewood . I find that many of them are still quite ‘grandiose’ in their judgements too. Many of them are not at all shy about expressing their opinion of me too; all based on all of their own stories of course. They don’t actually know me. I have even seen Donna sitting in the square talking to the daughter of a former client of inner. I call her the ‘aging hooker.’ (Not her real identity) Mrs., Hooker has also been bad mouthing me for years along with many others but it is a secret being kept from me so don’t tell cause she has also tried to offer me her saccharine smile after that and personable sounding greetings. I believe you can also get an updated opinion of me from the Vin Joy shoe guy who continues to express his opinion to others and in turn they pass that along, though the shoe guy now sometimes adds, “Of course, it is none of my business really. “ I have not seen the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ with him for a long time but, I have seen “Intrepid’ not long ago with a psychiatrized guy of about 50 who I have also seen many times at the library computers and with whom I have had a short conversation or two. In the distant past, I have seen this “Intrepid’ guy in the halls of Homewood while I was still working there and while the ‘game’ was going on, and once, years ago, I saw him walking up the street talking to Dr. Burslem, now retired from Homewood. Dr. Burslem was also one of my client’s doctors there. Sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?
Another habitué of Wally’s is ‘Wendy’ a middle aged looking woman with curly brown hair who had been heard discussing some of the goings on around all this with the late Jay Newman. These people ALL used to be ‘strangers to me’ that I ‘thought’ were talking about me.
The phrase, “they almost pulled it off’ is heard by me over and over again lately. I wonder who ‘they’ is supposed to be to those saying it. A large number of the residents of the buildings around me now are gossiping constantly and trading stupid stories. Many of them are displaying anger and contempt as they project their judgements at me from six feet away.
One of the female bus drivers who have been gossiping for years and bad mouthing me often looks way form me know and blushes when she sees me. It is one thing to know what they do and quite another to be able to prove it. If I didn’t have Dale’s quote from the game in writing I would have no chance of proving this as it has become more and more complex and with more ‘stories’ added every year designed to protect the GROUP from blame. I have even heard some of them talking about how I looked right at one of them after one of them left me standing at a bus stop on purpose. He was afraid it was going to be a problem for him but was told, “Don’t worry if there is any problem, we’ll take care of it.” I wondered when they announced that ‘solution’ what they MEANT by that exactly. I have told one woman at me new address what they ‘game’ is called and exactly what the results of that have been to me. She has passed something I told her on to one of the older scowling women there at the bus stop who, in turn, gossiped with another one at the bus stop and also collected some information form the one who works at A&W at the mall. ALL of these people consider their story telling to be ‘hidden’ from me. This includes all the new fabrications coming form an assortment of mall crawlers, including the table wiper in the food court who continues to ‘hide’ her gossiping abut me, behind three raised fingers to cover her mouth. Oh, you’ll love this one too: Apparently, they told ‘him’ that I had been outside and in a tree and he beloved them so he went out to look and see if I was still there. Isn’t that just the most ‘hilarious’ thing you have ever heard? And we are both sooooo stupid that we believe these morons too. At least, that is what the morons like to believe. Of course the Martin’s woman would be amazed that I Knew this (since she is hiding in plain sight) but also it does not occur to her that the people she is gossiping with constantly aren’t as she or careful about acting out what she has to say and where they got the information. Tee hee. They have a great long standing group delusion going and they don’t want to lose the entertainment value they get from adding to it all the time. All of them pass along everything they hear to everyone they know and of those, the local loudmouths act it all out for me. Fifteen years it has been going so far and for fifteen years it has been denied. As one of the residents of my new building said as I approached the bus stop, “It just goes to show you. You never really know do you?”
More to come on this post...stay tuned for all the latest forever.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Gossiping In Guelph: August/September 2007
U. or G. students are discussing how it is all true and it is ‘just terrifying’. (to HEAR about yet many of them are still assessing my looks, (effin ugly, old broad, scraggy looking old lady etc.) my clothing;( ‘scruffy looking dresser, no ‘fashion sense’) my character; (effin female dog) and my intellect; (just stupid (a Homewood staffer favourite). “They want to interview her’ has been repeated many times in August by people playing the ‘there she is’ announcements ‘game.’
Some of my street observers comment between themselves, “Why couldn’t we see that?” In fact, ‘her’ as I am discussed by many of the people in town here, and me as the person who often sits there listening to them, are not the same person to many of them so this has added greatly to an already confusing situation. I am NEVER talked to directly by anyone but I am talked AT or about, by thousands. When I have said this in the past, to those in Homewood, I have often then been hissed at in the streets or on buses by those who repeat back what they’ve heard and who them sometimes have suggested violence towards me as a result or even the ‘killing of my boyfriend’ whomever that is, or perhaps is believed to BE, by the speaker, if anyone.
There are multiple versions of my ‘reality’ still going on virtually anything relating to me such as:
1.I work for Comcare.
2. I don’t work for Comcare anymore.
3. There IS no Comcare anymore (since the office closed for the support workers here)
4. I wear a Comcare uniform because I ‘weird’ or ‘the whack job’ (a favourite of the addicted community and some of their old buddies who have not yet been through the addictions program at Homewood )
Others include:
I ‘think’ the person they are talking about is me.” (Isn’t she stupid?)
I ‘pretend’ it’s me; for the ‘attention.’ (you know how all us ‘nuts’ are supposedly just saying things happen to us, when REALLY, they don’t, because we all love that attention/fame thing.)
It IS her.
Really I don’t write essays. I am just answering e-mails.
I said I was going to write a book. Heard at the Library; along with derisive laughter) “Probably, the only place she has written a book is in her own head…(snort snort)
(Yes that’ true. I write my essays there first too)
Group assessment of the situation from the Volunteer Centre: “she COULD have gone and talked to ‘him’ about it.’ ‘ Oh no, that would be too logical.’
(I wonder who ‘him’ was in that case. Is ‘him’ one of the many ‘hims’ I already told? Keep reminding yourselves I am ten feet away when they are doing this loudly, with open doors.)
Now Walker Hanes would be an interesting person to gossip with abut this as he has a version of reality going too in which “‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then made her think he was in love with her!” (woo woo!) “Don’t you think that is just Sooooo funny? He asked Donna L. her response, ‘Well, yes…etc…
These are the ones that really stun me. The adult supposedly sane human beings who think that psychological abuse etc. is just a real riot! (unless of course, it was them. Bet it wouldn’t be quite so ‘hilarious’ if their own lives were destroyed as a joke; especially if they got told by the same people they were insane if they ‘thought’ they had the experience and lost their jobs, minds, bank accounts, reputations and all their relationships because of the cover up…Yuk yuk yuk….Young Walker is apparently the son of a local doctor (His mother I believe) so he would have an inside track on the ‘fun’ I’m sure. If you can’t find him or Donna, you could just ask the others at the Volunteer Centre as she passed it all along to them too. ( Har har)
BY the way, if any of you don’t like your opinions being expressed on line, just take your own assessment back on that; you know, the one so many of you have handed to me, “Come on (lady, fella) where’s your sense of humour? Can’t you take a joke? Why aren’t you smiling more? You’re not being very ‘friendly are you?” (Isn’t this just a hoot? Mary Morton apparently thinks so at the same time her husband Russ thinks I am a ‘very sad case,’ so he has allegedly shared with the folks hanging out at the mall.) Gee, I wonder if I, as the sad case and or butt of the ‘joke’ should be crying or laughing with glee. Better not do either as I may get to be the ‘bi-polar’ disorder next since it won’t be related to anything real in actual life. I know I will just adopt a tiny little Mona Lisa smile and glue it to my face at all times hoping to pleas all my assessors; or maybe that will be too ‘suspicious.’ Maybe neutral…oh no, that would get ‘interpreted’ as ‘flat affect.’ Yet another ‘sign.’ It is quite the dilemma when you are perceived as ‘mad’ let me tell you. It is the reason so many long term ‘patents’ end up acting like automatons, which then gets defined as a sing of disease process too.
In August, The city bus drivers announce, “They almost pulled it off.” Quickly, the female driver of the bus I am on reaches to turn down her radio. This is a move I have watched for many years. At one point, they had all the radios turned up very loud at all times, (so the passengers could stay involved too) and believed that somehow, magically apparently I would not know what they were talking about then either. Why in 95, or 96 (can’t remember right now exactly but DID make note of it) the reason a large group of employees from Homewood, from maintenance and the switchboard, came down to the square was, according to the city bus drivers announcement, to ‘watch me change buses.’ (Easily entertained weren’t they?) Then, as announced by Norm M. now retired who was driving the bus I was on at the time, I didn’t change buses that time!) har har har…On the street it is announced that I am a favourite topic of conversation at my usual grocery store (I already knew that) it is also stated; ‘this can be done to anyone and there isn’t a thing the person can do about it’. (Yes, I know that too)
On Monday, August 27, I saw the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ at the Mall. I am not usually there on a week day. He was wearing a gray uniform of some kind and talking to a man that I now to be a psychiatrized person. This second man has had a few brief conversations with me at the Library computer terminals. I think he has developed pseudo Parkinson’s’ of the drug induced variety.
Peggy, Homewood employee is seen again sitting in front of Capistrano’s’ and all around her are both some of the long term gossips and some of the new gossips being added to the community assessment mix, some of who live where I live now or next door. They include “Jackie’ the head shaver’s apparent relative and the Big Hawaiian (according to his clothes) as I have given him the name for identity purposes as well as party girl Donna who is connecting in a gossiping frenzy to all sorts of people, including another series of bus drivers, as well as some of the old ones involved like ‘Chris’ the woman driver who used to warn others all the way back to 95 (as they stood gossiping at her fare box just like Donna here) to ‘be careful and not let me ‘spot’ them. This folks are all considered to be ‘friendly’ like non gossip mongering me. Of course, you may think I am getting a lot more ‘friendly’ now right? Donna is keeping the addicted community informed again as well as all my new neighbours who are very good at being ‘friendly’. I wonder how long it will be before I start getting the ‘uttered’ death threats again. In any case, if you want all the latest assessment s of me this Donna is clearly the new go to girl. She never stops. Why she has even connected to one of the Library staff who offered her a little advice about relating to me.
Now Donna the party gal from 387 is a gossiping whirling with connections to many people including connections to:
The Big Hawaiian living in the same building as her or nearby (not sure) Peggy from Homewood, Jackie the head shavers’ relative, the other gossiping tenants and at least four or five bus drivers who are still involving themselves in all the stories and many of these drivers are new and were not around while I was breaking down under pressure in 95. Donna gossips with them standing at the fare box on my new route while I am on the bus just like the good old days when it was ‘fat broad with the permanent who was standing at the bus fare boxes all the time observing the specimen here. Donna has now even connected, with Susan (“doesn’t she have any self respect!”) at the Library. It’s like “ Mad City : The Next Generation”, now. Also she is connected to the one I call the aging hooker who has been bad mouthing me for yeas as she could not get her own way from Homecare before. This too is her ‘secret’ or so she thinks. The population of Guelph is in fact, loaded with ‘secrets’ being kept so non one else can get blamed or suffer negative effects. Instead, I can be diagnosed insane and that’s OK with everybody isn’t it?
Keep telling yourselves that, while you do this, and roll your eyes with disdain, asking each other ‘what’s the big deal’ while reminding yourselves that all you are doing and rolling your eyes about, is considered to be ‘my imagination,’ and it is what I got psychiatrized for as the system proclaimed it all to be ‘non existent.’ Now think about how on of my discussions with dale was on existentialism (just briefly and vaguely of course) and how this is part of the ‘game’ he is playing which was also denied as happening. Try really hard all you gossips to GET this; Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour are one and the same. Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour though have been split apart and seen as opposing view points, existing for YOU and NOT existing for ME.
Your behaviour and MY perception of your behaviour are one and the same but that is DENIED. Having trouble wrapping your mind around that? So did I” but when I have trouble doing it, it is framed as a ‘disease’ process in me. That being the case, why is not the same in you? Ask yourself that.
Now let’s get back to all of MY ‘delusions’ and YOUR gossip. This continues all these years because of the split in reality that was created by ‘you know who’ right from the start followed by the total denial of the group behaviour that resulted form that; Both I and the rest of you are ‘at effect’ as Dale puts it in the training jargon.
MY ‘hallucinated conversations’ and YOUR gossiping: “and” not “or”
A guy on the bus sits shaking his head in disbelief as students sit and discuss me on the bus. I wonder if he thinks HE is ‘hallucinating conversations’ too? He knows who I am by name as I have been pointed out to him in the town square and he, in turn, has pointed me out to another at the Dominion building where another assessment has taken place, including the Workfare boys. The same one I used to listen passing along the gossip in 99, after I was forced out of my job the second time. I did not know who they three of them making comments were back then but I do now. Someone should tell the fuzzy faced one I still have not ‘given it up lady,’ as he announced that I should as the three of them walked by me years ago. I am sure they still believe that THEY are a mystery to me. They also used to sit in the Eaton Centre Food court and discuss all the latest rumours along with the boys from the Celery and Morris law firm. to me rather than the other way a round. I wonder what Fuzzy meant by that back then.’ Give it up’ in which way”? Stop trying to get help? Start giving more information to people about it? It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it and as they say in Dales’ ‘game’ “It’s about communication.”
Walker H. teen volunteer and son of a doctor (his mother I hear) who worked at the Volunteer centre told Donna L. there that ‘they made her think he was in love with her and they made him think she was in love with him Don’t you think that is just Soooo funny? Donna’s answer: “well yes….but”
(I found her response interesting. I would love to have Donna explain her ‘yes’ answer to me) Gail V. was at the Library conferring with staff there one day on my use of the computers. I was so happy to be assessed some more by Library staff and others as I can never get enough of that. ) A group consensus opinion was formed there apparently with no personal input necessary form me of course. That is because I was not being made ‘aware’ of the conference, at least not as far as the awareness of those doing the conferring was concerned. I am still pretty much the ‘object of observation here; or ‘item’ as Dales’ jargon puts it.
A lot of information (dis or otherwise) can be yours if you can just manage to connect with the addicted community I some way. They have been involved as major judges and assessors going way back to the time of threats and wishes I would ‘burn in hell’ right inside Homewood . I have also been discussed by those now in twelve step groups and program at the Manor and even amongst those who are still drinking and usi9ing who are all their buddies. The patients from the Manor section at Homewood used to discuss what was going on (as they understood it) between me and Dale when they were doing their 28 days there. The system I have talked to abut this knows all this already and suppress it or deny it outright. These too you see are part of my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.” As you open your mouths every day to pass along all the latest, keep reminding yourselves of that. What you do and my awareness of it has been denied and reframed as MY ‘mental illness’ for which I was offered a little something to ‘reduce’ my ‘awareness’ which they believed was not REAL of course but just ‘delusional.’ Why don’t you get together for another groupthink session and see if you can decipher why I might be angry and frustrated with all of you. Then when you come up with q consensus opinion, act it out for me in the town square so I can repeat it back to you and you can be amazed about it and wonder if I am ‘psychic’ for that? After all, I can‘t possibly understand what smart superior people like you are doing can I?
Steve from my building has also been seen having intense conversations about it with Danny, again a Manor connection as was Harry McC and Sean Mark and Dr. Reid Finlayson. There was also a series of them who moved into the apartment overhead where I used to live so they could have some laughs. My landlord thought they were all ‘real nice guys’ too. One of those real nice guys was in Homewood as part of his plea bargain. He went to jail after that for beating up a series of women. One of them No doubt all coincidences right? Many people gossiping about it in the town square every day have also been in the Manor and psychiatrized. Yet even they cannot put together their own gossiping mocking ridiculing and laughing with my repot of that. Instead, they too accept that I am a ‘whack job' for seeing it and not just a person with the ability to see the perfectly obvious. After all, they too are ‘fooling’ me by acting it all out in plain sight.
Some of my street observers comment between themselves, “Why couldn’t we see that?” In fact, ‘her’ as I am discussed by many of the people in town here, and me as the person who often sits there listening to them, are not the same person to many of them so this has added greatly to an already confusing situation. I am NEVER talked to directly by anyone but I am talked AT or about, by thousands. When I have said this in the past, to those in Homewood, I have often then been hissed at in the streets or on buses by those who repeat back what they’ve heard and who them sometimes have suggested violence towards me as a result or even the ‘killing of my boyfriend’ whomever that is, or perhaps is believed to BE, by the speaker, if anyone.
There are multiple versions of my ‘reality’ still going on virtually anything relating to me such as:
1.I work for Comcare.
2. I don’t work for Comcare anymore.
3. There IS no Comcare anymore (since the office closed for the support workers here)
4. I wear a Comcare uniform because I ‘weird’ or ‘the whack job’ (a favourite of the addicted community and some of their old buddies who have not yet been through the addictions program at Homewood )
Others include:
I ‘think’ the person they are talking about is me.” (Isn’t she stupid?)
I ‘pretend’ it’s me; for the ‘attention.’ (you know how all us ‘nuts’ are supposedly just saying things happen to us, when REALLY, they don’t, because we all love that attention/fame thing.)
It IS her.
Really I don’t write essays. I am just answering e-mails.
I said I was going to write a book. Heard at the Library; along with derisive laughter) “Probably, the only place she has written a book is in her own head…(snort snort)
(Yes that’ true. I write my essays there first too)
Group assessment of the situation from the Volunteer Centre: “she COULD have gone and talked to ‘him’ about it.’ ‘ Oh no, that would be too logical.’
(I wonder who ‘him’ was in that case. Is ‘him’ one of the many ‘hims’ I already told? Keep reminding yourselves I am ten feet away when they are doing this loudly, with open doors.)
Now Walker Hanes would be an interesting person to gossip with abut this as he has a version of reality going too in which “‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then made her think he was in love with her!” (woo woo!) “Don’t you think that is just Sooooo funny? He asked Donna L. her response, ‘Well, yes…etc…
These are the ones that really stun me. The adult supposedly sane human beings who think that psychological abuse etc. is just a real riot! (unless of course, it was them. Bet it wouldn’t be quite so ‘hilarious’ if their own lives were destroyed as a joke; especially if they got told by the same people they were insane if they ‘thought’ they had the experience and lost their jobs, minds, bank accounts, reputations and all their relationships because of the cover up…Yuk yuk yuk….Young Walker is apparently the son of a local doctor (His mother I believe) so he would have an inside track on the ‘fun’ I’m sure. If you can’t find him or Donna, you could just ask the others at the Volunteer Centre as she passed it all along to them too. ( Har har)
BY the way, if any of you don’t like your opinions being expressed on line, just take your own assessment back on that; you know, the one so many of you have handed to me, “Come on (lady, fella) where’s your sense of humour? Can’t you take a joke? Why aren’t you smiling more? You’re not being very ‘friendly are you?” (Isn’t this just a hoot? Mary Morton apparently thinks so at the same time her husband Russ thinks I am a ‘very sad case,’ so he has allegedly shared with the folks hanging out at the mall.) Gee, I wonder if I, as the sad case and or butt of the ‘joke’ should be crying or laughing with glee. Better not do either as I may get to be the ‘bi-polar’ disorder next since it won’t be related to anything real in actual life. I know I will just adopt a tiny little Mona Lisa smile and glue it to my face at all times hoping to pleas all my assessors; or maybe that will be too ‘suspicious.’ Maybe neutral…oh no, that would get ‘interpreted’ as ‘flat affect.’ Yet another ‘sign.’ It is quite the dilemma when you are perceived as ‘mad’ let me tell you. It is the reason so many long term ‘patents’ end up acting like automatons, which then gets defined as a sing of disease process too.
In August, The city bus drivers announce, “They almost pulled it off.” Quickly, the female driver of the bus I am on reaches to turn down her radio. This is a move I have watched for many years. At one point, they had all the radios turned up very loud at all times, (so the passengers could stay involved too) and believed that somehow, magically apparently I would not know what they were talking about then either. Why in 95, or 96 (can’t remember right now exactly but DID make note of it) the reason a large group of employees from Homewood, from maintenance and the switchboard, came down to the square was, according to the city bus drivers announcement, to ‘watch me change buses.’ (Easily entertained weren’t they?) Then, as announced by Norm M. now retired who was driving the bus I was on at the time, I didn’t change buses that time!) har har har…On the street it is announced that I am a favourite topic of conversation at my usual grocery store (I already knew that) it is also stated; ‘this can be done to anyone and there isn’t a thing the person can do about it’. (Yes, I know that too)
On Monday, August 27, I saw the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ at the Mall. I am not usually there on a week day. He was wearing a gray uniform of some kind and talking to a man that I now to be a psychiatrized person. This second man has had a few brief conversations with me at the Library computer terminals. I think he has developed pseudo Parkinson’s’ of the drug induced variety.
Peggy, Homewood employee is seen again sitting in front of Capistrano’s’ and all around her are both some of the long term gossips and some of the new gossips being added to the community assessment mix, some of who live where I live now or next door. They include “Jackie’ the head shaver’s apparent relative and the Big Hawaiian (according to his clothes) as I have given him the name for identity purposes as well as party girl Donna who is connecting in a gossiping frenzy to all sorts of people, including another series of bus drivers, as well as some of the old ones involved like ‘Chris’ the woman driver who used to warn others all the way back to 95 (as they stood gossiping at her fare box just like Donna here) to ‘be careful and not let me ‘spot’ them. This folks are all considered to be ‘friendly’ like non gossip mongering me. Of course, you may think I am getting a lot more ‘friendly’ now right? Donna is keeping the addicted community informed again as well as all my new neighbours who are very good at being ‘friendly’. I wonder how long it will be before I start getting the ‘uttered’ death threats again. In any case, if you want all the latest assessment s of me this Donna is clearly the new go to girl. She never stops. Why she has even connected to one of the Library staff who offered her a little advice about relating to me.
Now Donna the party gal from 387 is a gossiping whirling with connections to many people including connections to:
The Big Hawaiian living in the same building as her or nearby (not sure) Peggy from Homewood, Jackie the head shavers’ relative, the other gossiping tenants and at least four or five bus drivers who are still involving themselves in all the stories and many of these drivers are new and were not around while I was breaking down under pressure in 95. Donna gossips with them standing at the fare box on my new route while I am on the bus just like the good old days when it was ‘fat broad with the permanent who was standing at the bus fare boxes all the time observing the specimen here. Donna has now even connected, with Susan (“doesn’t she have any self respect!”) at the Library. It’s like “ Mad City : The Next Generation”, now. Also she is connected to the one I call the aging hooker who has been bad mouthing me for yeas as she could not get her own way from Homecare before. This too is her ‘secret’ or so she thinks. The population of Guelph is in fact, loaded with ‘secrets’ being kept so non one else can get blamed or suffer negative effects. Instead, I can be diagnosed insane and that’s OK with everybody isn’t it?
Keep telling yourselves that, while you do this, and roll your eyes with disdain, asking each other ‘what’s the big deal’ while reminding yourselves that all you are doing and rolling your eyes about, is considered to be ‘my imagination,’ and it is what I got psychiatrized for as the system proclaimed it all to be ‘non existent.’ Now think about how on of my discussions with dale was on existentialism (just briefly and vaguely of course) and how this is part of the ‘game’ he is playing which was also denied as happening. Try really hard all you gossips to GET this; Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour are one and the same. Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour though have been split apart and seen as opposing view points, existing for YOU and NOT existing for ME.
Your behaviour and MY perception of your behaviour are one and the same but that is DENIED. Having trouble wrapping your mind around that? So did I” but when I have trouble doing it, it is framed as a ‘disease’ process in me. That being the case, why is not the same in you? Ask yourself that.
Now let’s get back to all of MY ‘delusions’ and YOUR gossip. This continues all these years because of the split in reality that was created by ‘you know who’ right from the start followed by the total denial of the group behaviour that resulted form that; Both I and the rest of you are ‘at effect’ as Dale puts it in the training jargon.
MY ‘hallucinated conversations’ and YOUR gossiping: “and” not “or”
A guy on the bus sits shaking his head in disbelief as students sit and discuss me on the bus. I wonder if he thinks HE is ‘hallucinating conversations’ too? He knows who I am by name as I have been pointed out to him in the town square and he, in turn, has pointed me out to another at the Dominion building where another assessment has taken place, including the Workfare boys. The same one I used to listen passing along the gossip in 99, after I was forced out of my job the second time. I did not know who they three of them making comments were back then but I do now. Someone should tell the fuzzy faced one I still have not ‘given it up lady,’ as he announced that I should as the three of them walked by me years ago. I am sure they still believe that THEY are a mystery to me. They also used to sit in the Eaton Centre Food court and discuss all the latest rumours along with the boys from the Celery and Morris law firm. to me rather than the other way a round. I wonder what Fuzzy meant by that back then.’ Give it up’ in which way”? Stop trying to get help? Start giving more information to people about it? It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it and as they say in Dales’ ‘game’ “It’s about communication.”
Walker H. teen volunteer and son of a doctor (his mother I hear) who worked at the Volunteer centre told Donna L. there that ‘they made her think he was in love with her and they made him think she was in love with him Don’t you think that is just Soooo funny? Donna’s answer: “well yes….but”
(I found her response interesting. I would love to have Donna explain her ‘yes’ answer to me) Gail V. was at the Library conferring with staff there one day on my use of the computers. I was so happy to be assessed some more by Library staff and others as I can never get enough of that. ) A group consensus opinion was formed there apparently with no personal input necessary form me of course. That is because I was not being made ‘aware’ of the conference, at least not as far as the awareness of those doing the conferring was concerned. I am still pretty much the ‘object of observation here; or ‘item’ as Dales’ jargon puts it.
A lot of information (dis or otherwise) can be yours if you can just manage to connect with the addicted community I some way. They have been involved as major judges and assessors going way back to the time of threats and wishes I would ‘burn in hell’ right inside Homewood . I have also been discussed by those now in twelve step groups and program at the Manor and even amongst those who are still drinking and usi9ing who are all their buddies. The patients from the Manor section at Homewood used to discuss what was going on (as they understood it) between me and Dale when they were doing their 28 days there. The system I have talked to abut this knows all this already and suppress it or deny it outright. These too you see are part of my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.” As you open your mouths every day to pass along all the latest, keep reminding yourselves of that. What you do and my awareness of it has been denied and reframed as MY ‘mental illness’ for which I was offered a little something to ‘reduce’ my ‘awareness’ which they believed was not REAL of course but just ‘delusional.’ Why don’t you get together for another groupthink session and see if you can decipher why I might be angry and frustrated with all of you. Then when you come up with q consensus opinion, act it out for me in the town square so I can repeat it back to you and you can be amazed about it and wonder if I am ‘psychic’ for that? After all, I can‘t possibly understand what smart superior people like you are doing can I?
Steve from my building has also been seen having intense conversations about it with Danny, again a Manor connection as was Harry McC and Sean Mark and Dr. Reid Finlayson. There was also a series of them who moved into the apartment overhead where I used to live so they could have some laughs. My landlord thought they were all ‘real nice guys’ too. One of those real nice guys was in Homewood as part of his plea bargain. He went to jail after that for beating up a series of women. One of them No doubt all coincidences right? Many people gossiping about it in the town square every day have also been in the Manor and psychiatrized. Yet even they cannot put together their own gossiping mocking ridiculing and laughing with my repot of that. Instead, they too accept that I am a ‘whack job' for seeing it and not just a person with the ability to see the perfectly obvious. After all, they too are ‘fooling’ me by acting it all out in plain sight.
Stay tuned more to come on a new post
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
