What Blooms in May 2008

Three of those from the town’s addicted community were riding on a bus with me near the back. They felt the need as some many of them do to comment. I have seen one of them before commenting AT me in the town square. They now performed another of their usual ‘bonding’ type sessions. “’He’ they believe, will now be able to understand why ‘nobody’ likes her anyway.”(This is an assessment I have heard over and over again, from the Homewood Manor graduates)
“Donna” the town crier and a recent thorn in my side who I do not know and who does not know me except through the local addicted population, is once again down at the Old Quebec St. keeping all informed of all she hears about me and anyone else she can pass any news along about. Interestingly, she often seems angry about anyone who should say anything against HER. I find this is so often true. The ones who spend the most time externalizing their own traits are also the ones most outraged should anyone say a word about them.
A woman who lives in my building and who started off scowling with contempt as soon as I moved in, continues her ‘covert’ diatribe at the bus stop, in the halls and on the buses also. She has her door adorned with a Mitchell Hewson wreath; the eight dollar size I believe, as do an number of my other neighbours. She is heard in the hallway offering her usual slightly twisted version of ‘reality’ to others. At the housing complex where my new friend’ has another friend and where I have been the topic of disdainful seniors and a number of other manor graduates for many years, I have also seen one of the more vocal substance users who is not ‘in recovery’ like many of his buds. This one and another one have no problem offering their opinions of me in the town square and even some suggestions about what should happen to me.
This is the same location where many senior citizens lived who also expressed their negative opinions on buses with me as their topic and conferred with bus drivers after some of them were asked to do so by drivers. Once the topic was how the old retired driver on the General Hospital route had treated THEM. The consensus opinion being that if he had done nothing to them he couldn’t have done anything to me either or been involved in any way. If you don’t believe me perhaps you could ask the now retired Doug K.

Now remember to keep in mind as you read you way through ALL of this that it is just my paranoid delusions and ‘hallucinated’ conversations being repeated here. According to the Homewood staff I ‘claim’ was involved in all of this; none of this has really happened and is not happening now. I only ‘think’ it has, and is.
Kerry R. and the Library guy with the gray hair who works downstairs were both seen today. Both have discussed me on some level with the guy I named ‘Intrepid.’ The library guy has also been seen chatting with the Vin Joy shoe guy and so is ‘Jeff’ of ‘Mutt and Jeff’ who I believe may now be retired. He is using getting the latest between 1pm and 2pm.
Maggie C. points me out to Bev at the bank as I now close my emptied savings account. “That’s her’ says Maggie to Bev. Maggie has also discussed me with the guy who the bank employees said was a ‘detective’ which, as in all of this, may or may not be true, used for one manipulative purpose or another, since all of these manipulations have three or four versions of each, which then are altered change or denied by all the people passing them along to everyone they know. It is quite pointless to try to sort this out now.
The save mart employee, Donna the town crier and the female security guard are all in their usual huddle. They also discuss others besides me and use all the names doing it too. I have heard them using others as their topics.

The mall crawlers perform their usual: “There she is. Look at her. Do you think she’s looking for her husband?….ah ha ha ha ha’ As I leave the food curt Sunday they feel they must announce that too; “oh look, she’s leaving…ah ha ha ha’
On the street I am pronounced to be ‘the devil.’

Two of my fellow tenants listened at their doors to a conversation I had about the dog with a tenant for whom I dog sit occasionally. After she went outside with the dog, they popped out of their apartments to ask each other, “did you hear?” and to discuss the fact that ‘she’ did not say one word to her about it.’
Two women on the bus, one with a Jamaican accent, offer their critical opinion of me: Though they know my name, they do not actually know me, so they feel free to discuss me in my presence. “I hear she takes everything they say, and then she turns it around in her head and makes it mean something else. That is what’s the matter with her. Apparently they have to shock them out of that or they won’t let go of their ‘delusions.’ “Oh…I see’ said the other. (Not seeing at all)
Two young ones at the library: White sneering girl: “She thinks she understands it.’
Black young man: “She DOES understand it.’
Aboriginal mall crawler heard on the bus as he gives instructions to Tina’ at home about doing something for him; “I think you need to see a doctor as you are not reacting right to what I am asking you to do.’
The tall young lanky male bus driver shares a moment of amusement with Gordon S. brother of the one who passed me the address to move to Woolwich St. where Harry M. just ‘happened’ to be the handy man as it turned out. Gordon is one of the town square ‘observers’ of me and a neighbour of Theresa G. who worked for Comcare and gossiped with me as the topic with Margaret A. who in turn shared all the Homewood news with the now retired bus driver Earl, who is the friend of Laura and Steve S. who is the sister of Marg, who works for the Homewood in the Manor. It isn’t really rocket science is it? Nor is it ‘random’ and meaningless.
At the mall Aboriginal man shares the latest with ‘streaks’ the table wiper. Now remember let’s all stay focused on me and always remember to keep believing you are ‘hiding’ and ‘superior’ while you do it and deny it.
The blond middle aged court reporter (also seen talking to ‘Intrepid’ in the past) is sharing the latest with two women on the street. “He’ (?) is going to try one more time and if there is no response, he is going to move.’ Court reporter frankly does not know why 'he would even bother at this point.'

The Court offices employee whom I believe may be a court reporter, is expressing the latest of opinions with two women during her lunch break. She is discussing one of the ‘hes’ who is said to be going to give it one more try and if he gets no response again (says he has tried before) he is going to move away from it.
Frankly, says the big blond with the glasses who now takes the Gordon Street bus home, “I don’t see why he would even bother at this point.”
The theme of the last two weeks has been, “She thinks she understands it better.” This is accompanied by smirking disdain and is shared with all those ‘others’ who are ‘certain that they know’ to employ the game boy’s own jargon. This has been repeated over and over again in my presence by those who like to patronize me whenever they get a chance or who just talk about me in the third person like I am not really there. To them, I am not there since I must be too ‘stupid’ to know what they are talking about anyway as they often (stupidly) announced to each other.
I see ex amused landlord ( Liverpool St. ) at the No Frills store. He has lost his humour it seems and does not look right at me. Is that a bit of shame I detect?
Aboriginal looking mall crawler has his usual gossip session with the streaked haired table wiper. Bus drivers act out as they meet each other at the Wellington/Gordon intersection. I like the ‘waving like the Queen’ thing.

The guy who once discussed “Pat” who allegedly worked for Burger King (I didn’t) at the same time as a nasty angry fired teenager, is seen smoking in front of Wally’s’ tavern with the rest of the story tellers who frequent the place daily. This was the story of how I or perhaps some other “Pat) was to have been fired for refusing to work and telling customers she (I) couldn’t wait on them as I was too busy talking to God.’ You know, if I was a psychiatrist (and I won’t be) I think I would have a very difficult time trying to decide which ‘fabricators’ I was going to drug into submission. To me, there seems to be many more of them ‘out here, in the world of ‘reality’ who NEVER get labeled or ‘helped’ than there are among the population of those psychiatrized.

One of my new neighbours, operating n ‘secret’ has connected with a tenant across the street on the daily dog run. I believe this other one is a nurse at St; Joe’s. One day this nurse and my neighbour were holding another assessment session complete with the usual hand actions that so many seem to use when discussing what MY perception problem is, in THEIR opinion. This month’s hand actions always include the circular action. This is of course strangely appropriate. It also reminds me of game boy’s game concept, “Everything that is being said is true except, that what is driving it has been switched.” Later I see this new critic in a uniform and going to St.Joe’s bus at 6:45pm. Since I once witnessed my ex psychiatrist’s wife, a nurse at St. Joe’s, discussing this on the streets with (ironically) my ex psychiatrist, this sort of thing tends to be confirmed in my perception.

One of the women who has been seen gossiping for years with Scottish Rose on the bus is now seen getting on the bus at Riverside Glen with another woman and the tow of them discuss how all this is also going on at Homewood and the General.

Gail V. who in the pat has discussed me with the Volunteer centre, the Housing Office staff and the Library staff is seen on the street talking to a woman who has discussed me with Artie the bus driver and who assesses the meds I took after breakdown…har har har…it has not lost it’s entertainment value even after fifteen years.
A guy shows up at my new address to help move another older man who has frequently hollered at people from behind his closed door. He has hollered at me through it twice for irrational reasons which I have shared with no one, but of course, that is turned around to suit the group consensus of me that takes place in the common areas of the building in ‘secret.’
The guy who is there to help him move used to live at Speedvale Housing himself and is also one of the many people who has pointed me out to his idiot friends with a ‘there she is’ routine, all of them looking right at me, as I look back, their beady little eyes all amused and the usual little smirks on their faces. One of the things this does is create equality among the general population I have seen the same idiotic expression on the faces of doctors, lawyers cops, nurses, store keepers, cleaners, patients and city employees for fifteen years.
The new theme of week three of May is “God, it sure is embarrassing."
I see an ex landlord in the grocery store who quickly looks away and perhaps may even feel a little guilt?? A St. Joe ’s employee with a dog in my neighbourhood decides she should explain my problem to one of my neighbours. It is the theme of the week among my judges and goes something like this: “She has got everything turned right around and says it is the opposite. It is just ridiculous.’
Now what do you think that means?
It depends upon the premise of your beliefs and even if the listener and speaker ‘think’ they both mean the same thing, it ain’t necessarily so if they are not specifying it.
Specifically: Is my having it ‘turned around’ good or bad? Is it right or wrong? Is it ridiculous because I am so stupid and/or crazy or because others could not see that until I showed it to them? Well as in all of this, it depends. Upon what you may ask. Upon your “point of view’ as is stated inside the ‘game.’
Also hear is “she has this all turned around in her head and has made it mean something else.’
Of course my judges don’t understand that turning it all around is what is done in the first place and it is the aggressor who has made it ‘mean something else.’ Nevertheless, this one has decided and stated, “that is what the matter with her is.’
The woman to whom she was explaining me responded, “Oh…I see…”
A man who lived near me and occasionally hollered at me from behind a closed door has now moved with the help of one of the former smirking gossiping tenants of Speedvale Housing. These are the people the nuts like me report to psychiatrists as mockers and ridiculers where we live. Of course our reports are ‘interpreted’ more often than not as our ‘delusions.’
A Volunteer Centre worker has been seen gossiping with one of the bus fare box gossips as well as with us drivers in the town square. Apparently it is all very embarrassing’ which is another of the current phrases being ‘hallucinated’ by me over and over again. (Poor crazy me huh?) The exact dose of my anti-psychotic is now being discussed with apparent amusement. (How I wish the ‘amused’ could really ‘share my experience’ since I think those bemused smiles would be wiped right off their faces if they did.)

One of the guys gossiping on the 3 bus with a belligerent teenager making up stories about Burger King’s employees is seen having his smoke outside Wally’s Tavern. This is a daily hangout where all the latest crap can be heard as passed along by many of the diagnosed with chemical imbalances which have caused them to drink and do drugs but who are now ‘rebalanced.’ One of the regulars is the U of G gal who performed her little act for me on the train to Toronto ; remember? The one I was diagnosed for seeing since it would not have been ‘reasonable’ for a group of university students to behave that way either, just like it wasn’t for Homewood staff. .
It is still ‘just amazing.’
One of the ones who gossips with Scottish Rose now gets on at the Riverside Glen stop where the latest is that I had told Homewood , psychiatrists and a doctor at the General what he was doing and it made no difference at all. (I also told Comcare office staff in Guelph and they too were gossiping amongst themselves and continued to pretend not to know anything even as they watched me breaking down under all the pressure. Did you know that was said to be ‘very hard on THEM. (To have to watch it happen)
Some university students think ‘it is just horrifying’ but others think it is’ really, really funny’ and my ex hospital psychiatrist’s name is mentioned as part of the humour. One of the really funny parts is that I ‘almost committed suicide…isn’t that funny man?’
(Now if you want to define ‘inappropriate affects’ for your students, this would be a good thing to focus on right there.) ‘Explain’ to them that laughing and smiling while a mob drives someone to suicide is not REALLY ‘funny.’ It is quite ‘sick’ in fact, to believe that it is ‘funny.’ So perhaps they could get together in a lab exercise somewhere and diagnose each other for a change.

They say ‘they are just starting to understand it now.’ Some say it is really scary and others are commenting that MY problem is that I am too nice. (isn’t it nice that I remain the focus of assessment’ no matter what? Sure keeps the focus OFF the group behaviour doesn’t it?
We are having anther repeated round of ‘there she is, that’s her there, they are even going to try to stop her, and the ‘rich guy’ story is going around again. ‘They’ say that ‘he’ is really rich and she doesn’t even care! (not sure which one of the ‘hes’ with more money than brains they mean but in any case, I don’t care enough about big bank accounts to ‘overlook’ the truth so they are right there anyway.
Announcements of the Guelphites:
"She said she would meet him at the police station."
(yes, that was several years ago)
Two women outside "Social Sciences": "I remember that from years ago. We were all laughing about it all the time."
(and they still are)
The Bus driver who has enjoyed the gossip offered from those in my new building is now on another route and does not look me in the eye.
They wonder where I am going now. Some think I could perhaps teach journaling. (Nothing to taxing for my iddy biddy brain)
My ex psychiatrist's name from Homewood is mentioned a few times again.
An older female psych student describes me as 'emasculating everyone.' (an assessment I found to be quite curious)
University staff and students are now having another round of collective assessment of the whole situation. Group consensus combined with 'authority' continues and new twists additions and deductions based on old rumours and evaluations continue to go and grow via the usual 'group contagion.'
Inappropriate affects are on display by many though they seem oblivious to it as the stay focused on looking for same in me and never in themselves.
There is current laughter based on two old 'effects'" She almost committed suicide is understood as hilariously funny as an outcome. Yuk yuk yuk...
University staff thinks it really DOES make a good story though. (Nothing interrupts their story telling does it?)
University students say, They aren't even going to stop her.'
Donna the town crier continues to fill in people everywhere on all the latest and to pump others for more information, passed along in the town square and to bus drivers as usual as well as all her fellow tenants Hospital staff is still yapping away while pretending not to know anything, grocery store employees everywhere still working it all out, by group consensus, along with doctors, lawyers, city employees, workfare people, housing staff, teachers, high school students mall crawlers etc. etc.

All of this being the 'Pyrrhic Victory' as defined by the Columbia professor who did the analysis of my protagonist's 'game' back in 76.

I am still discussed as 'she' and no one even seems to notice that I am not included or even asked about my own experience from MY point of view. This no doubt keeps my protagonist highly amused.
Of course this is all because the whole group is 'in denial' isn't it? Yet no one even notices this.
"She" is the personal pronoun of the objectification process.

Stay tuned for a Spoonful of June