A Spoonful of June

A woman who lives near me and who likes to entertain bus drivers, and others, with sarcastic tales of her neighbours. complete with sound effects for the attention it gets her, is now being told by some guy on the bus she is with, that ‘they said she was crazy when in fact, she is right.’ (I have been one of her targets as a matter of fact)The ‘entertainer’ then asks him. “What’s her name?” and he responds, “They aren’t saying yet.’
A male tenant of Speedvale Housing is discussing this with a female driver on the route as I get on the bus, “Do you know how old she is?’ this stranger to me asks her. So he tells her.
There is another citywide discussion on what my priorities should be. It is announced that one of the ‘hes’ has said ,
Her priority has been to get this seen so she can help other people who are being put through it as she has been.” (I wonder who that is and if this public report is accurate or another ‘story.’)
Bus drivers discuss how it is all like irony. Passenger announces “she understands it because she has gone through it herself!”
A ‘he’ is afraid of me now. They say I am very calm about it all. There is a rumour that the psych hospital is going to compensate me and also that everything is changing because of her.
(Naturally on all of these points made, a counter argument is always presented by an opposing faction since this is the nature of the defining of reality by group consensus.) It is said by a bus driver to a senior citizen that ‘SHE understands the whole situation and so do they now.”
A group of students repeat once again that it is all just so sad….but really, really FUNNY too! (Then they laugh to show us their inappropriate affects as part of the dysfunctional city demonstration of the exercise. University students and staff point me out to each other as I walk by doing the usual parroting routine…”there she is…that’s her…”
More comments acted out a little later at the grocery store where the shelf stackers, produce people and cashiers all pass along the latest stories.
“They’ say she is afraid of him now.’
The Town Crier has another gossip session with the same bus driver she used to play the role of Farebox Fanny with before on Route 3. He is on the University route now. She likes to point out how much more ‘friendly’ she is than I who has no friends like her (true) and this I believe allows her to win the contest she is in with me that just annoys the hell out of me. He invites her to go for the whole route ride with him so she can keep talking. God forbid she should become ‘unfriendly’ and stop gossiping. She wants him to tell her why I am going to the university today. He does not know but I am sure if all pump enough people everywhere for more information, another city wide evaluation and assessment of me will be sure to come and the usual crew will act it all out for me everywhere I go. (Not that anyone does this of course as it would not be reasonable for them to behave this way)
There are times on these buses now when there are eight or ten of the same types all on the bus together, all of them having acted out for me. It as these times I must suppress the urge to introduce all the Fare box Fannies and Freddies to each other, so they can get even MORE versions of my ‘reality’ which they can then all deny together later on and find the fault in me for knowing about it and saying so. I am sure if Fanny got any news she ran it right back to all her ‘friends’ in the town square, the Save mart and the other tenants in her building where more rounds of psychiatric and personality assessment no doubt took place as the ‘days’ externalization of personal problems got the daily dump . It is so great to have a few handy ‘others’ to be the problem of the more friendly and ‘normal’ ones you know. It makes the ‘social’ feel so much better. I don’t know how many more flaws they are going to be able to find in me though. They have already covered just about anything you can think up from thought to body to attitude so surely they are going to need some more new ‘inputs’ (as my protagonist would no doubt refer to the group fantasy) soon. The great dysfunctional bonding process; justifying and ‘validating' themselves by ‘invalidating the other point of view;’ the one they refuse outright to even hear.
Oh yes some of them have identified me for each other as Jewish. (This is likely because in my ‘confidential’ writing to those who failed to even respond at all, I said I was the “Jew” in this little psycho drama. (This is the role opposite the Nazi (or German) you see) So now some discuss me as my ‘Jewishness’ may be a problem to them and others are pretty sure I mean the symbolic ‘Jew’ and I am sure that in one decade or another, when they finish defining me by group consensus and/or ‘authority’ it may even occur to them that I am still not actually IN the defining of me and that they are STILL playing this psychiatric nurse’s ‘game’ all these years later. But then again, maybe not.
There is a ‘he’ they say who ‘really DOES love her as far out of whack as that may seem. However, there was a slightly overweight thirtyish woman on the bus who, after observing me in a fixed manner for about five minutes announced to her scruffy looking companion that she could not see why ANYONE ‘would want to have sex with her.’ He just shrugged and motioned for her to pass the coke can. As she performed her act, I could not help but have a Seinfeld episode pop into my mind. You may remember it?? It was the one titled “the Bra-less Wonder.’
I wondered if this thirtyish tough type gal saw that one and if she did, did she get the point at all. I don’t think so. How insecure must one be to have compare your own sexual identity with a sixty year old woman? Methinks there must be some problem there. Bet there is a nice acronym for that in the DSM.
This month’s theme is ‘Nobody likes her at all! I don‘t see why anyone would want her anyway! Do you know anybody who likes her? I sure don’t!” This is repeated over and over for several days as a rule, with the town’s addicted population being the most vocal about their disdain for someone who is obviously not as good or worthwhile as all of them and their buddies. Of course we mustn’t leave out the angry elderly, the vicious teens or the ten year olds passing along the assessments of their parents.
This is not a new theme of course; they tend to make the rounds of the gossips at regular intervals as they flow through the usual community channels. (Which must then be denied to exist of course)
Some of my neighbours have allegedly heard and passed along that their relatives who work in retirement and nursing homes are saying they talk about me all the time. (Eventually, all collective gossip makes it to the bus stops, the buses, and the bus drivers where it is all acted out for me by the mouthier and angrier members of all the groups. The rest just keep right on pretending they don’t know anything, haven’t said a word, and have not hear anything from others either. That is how we know it is all my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions you see. Would all these people be doing this and then lying about it? Of course not; it wouldn’t be ‘reasonable!’ Therefore, I must be the unreasonable one for seeing it and hearing it mustn’t I?
Guess what else? The man who takes the #1 bus and lives near where I used to on Tiffany St. has been seen by me at HIS job. I suspect he is the one who is married to a Homewood staff member in administrative services of Vista building too. He once allegedly discussed my sexual orientation with those assessing that at Homewood too. When I was alleged to be gay, he felt I was observing HIM in ways that did not seem gay. Guess where he works? University Library.
Remember I used to say I saw a constant connection in this between the University, Homewood and the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3 as led by Dale? No one else could see it of course, just ‘crazy’ me. At the University Library I have listened to another round of ‘there she is…that’s her… is that her?” and the Tiffany St. man has pointed me out or had me pointed out once again.
Everyone wonders what ‘he is going to say.’
Guess what else I have found out lately? The loud one who lives upstairs from me and who is known for putting on nasty little performances about some of her neighbours as ‘entertainment’ for others, including giving out information about how ‘crazy’ they are and where they live, to bus drivers amongst others, has been located by me on the job now too. She works at the University at the Tim Horton’s outlet at the University centre…another amazing coincidence. She is also a Fare box Fanny. Between her and the other one in the same complex, they have kept bus drivers entertained for days on end. Sometimes they have to fight one another for space at that fare box.
Did you know what Randy allegedly said ? Har har har…”He said that when ‘he’ found out it was her, he started drinking again!” Some of the bus drivers really loved that one! That Randy! He’s still got the wit despite the middle aged spread doesn’t he?
One of the younger bus drivers seen talking to the town crier last week, (moustache and baseball cap) was filling in the one on route three on the way home in case he missed the remark made by Randy. What a hoot huh? After some passengers established amongst themselves that this could not be me they were talking about, they talked about what they heard.
‘Is that her?’
‘ Oh no, I don’t think so.’
“So what did you hear then?”
“He thinks she is hot.’
Really? Why?”
“I don’t know.’
“Are you sure that’s not her? I heard she has short brown hair. And she is looking right at us while we are talking.”
’”I don’t think that’s her though cause she is supposed to look like a man.’

Library patrons: She is really angry now. It has been fifteen years and they are only starting to understand it now. (I have actually heard that, ‘only starting to understand it’ thing many times over the years.)
A woman with shoulder length blond curly hair who looks about 40ish has now added her assessments and pushed herself into my personal space though she does not know me at all either; only her own stories and those of others. She sidles up to me when I am at the computer and talks to me about a lot of nothing basically but it grows as she is determined to straighten me out. Finally I tell her firmly yet politely, “I just want to be alone here really to get some work done. I need to concentrate. The result was that she tried to talk even more and take over by just setting up the computer beside me so I could take a look at what she feels I need to see. I then asked her if she would please get out of my personal space and the response was “I will just get this website set up for you. Now I am sorry you are upsetting yourself like this.’ So I just ignored her.
Ignoring her upset her more, though then, it was defined as me upsetting HER by not co-operating with her agenda for ME. Amazing how that works isn’t it? She then went to complain to another that I had ignored her. No doubt another round of assessing my personality disorder or character flaws will now follow. I am sure not very ‘friendly’ to all these lovely people who are only trying to help me am I? This is the main theme you know; how ‘unfriendly’ I am towards all these ever so normal people who are not doing, and who have never done, a thing. (No sir officer/ doctor, we have no idea what she is talking about. Why we have never done a thing. Nor have we seen or heard anything at all.)
Lots of news from the regulars of the Drop In Centre gets taken directly to some of the bus drivers who need to get all the latest so they can keep passing that along to the bus passengers also. One of the head shaver’s sisters’ friends (who discuss my alleged sexuality with the downtown square regulars) has kept one of the woman bus drivers updated. According to the regulars in the town square, I have a lot of sexual shortcomings which need to be debated by mindless mobs with nothing else to do but stir up as much shit as they can all day.
A teen girl on the bus thinks it is (guess what?... that’s right...as they say in Dale’s training…) ‘just amazing!’
“No one knows how she does it they say! Did you know she yells at the doctors and everything?”
(Really I say to myself cause saying things to myself is what I do…?) When did I do that since I don’t remember yelling at the doctors at all?)
It is assessed by strangers observing me that I ‘seem to be managing all right.’ You can get an argument on that from the gals working the desks at the housing office. They also have plenty of information which they have been collecting for many years from those others who don’t know a thing either including about my writing to the lawyers office repeating everything back to them too. The housing office staff back then along with the workfare office employees just thought that was SO funny! Har har… So do check in with them to see what they have as the latest rumours. (Not that there are any of course except in my own delusional mind.)
Bus passengers and fellow tenants have debated my likeability and apparently I have fallen far short of their collective expectations. (Not that I would know anything about this of course as none of them ever talks directly to me since they are too busy hiding it all. So don’t let on to me that you know any of this or have done it because I am being kept out of it.)
Strangers to me took a spontaneous poll on the bus one day: ‘That’s her. Do you like her? I don’t. I don’t know anybody who likes her at all. Do you? She is really unfriendly to people.‘ (And they can’t imagine why since I have no idea what they are talking about. After all, when they are within two feet of me, the majority of my constant critics never fail to plaster a nice plastic smile on their faces showing how friendly they are, so why would I be so cool to them? Who can figure out what goes on in the mind of a nut like me though? Not my story telling verbally abusive critics that’s for sure.”)
Street: “They say she is obsessing. That is why they give ‘them’ shock treatment you know. It stops that.”
(Yes it keeps those who don’t want to know from having to hear it quite nicely once we are forced by shock to forget what we know)
Backpack man looks at me from the corner of his eye in the own square. He and his buddy discussed my sexual identity together from five feet away. Of course, I would have no idea what they were talking about as usual. They do not consider themselves readable since they are all my superiors in understanding and/or worth in their own opinion and besides, they also do not know this may well be the thirtieth or fortieth time for me of almost the identical experience. This experience is known by its other name to them you see: my ‘hallucinated conversations.’ But backpack man knows I know and now is not quite so bold.
Back to the Mall crawlers: The regular stool warmer and his table wiping gossip supplier and the middle aged Asian group are today focused on ridiculing ‘Rusty’ as a group. There is rib poking, the usual smirks and toy cops questioning the suspected complainer. There is a pair of male jackasses acting out for everyone with a blond teenaged girl rent a cop smirking, gawking and bonding in the usual 'them and us' ritual. Later, the loudest mouth of the two sisters who are acquaintances of my new ‘friend’ shares her colourful ‘interpretations’ of me with the bus driver who is on the number 10 route from the mall. They go into the usual diving down whispering commenting and laughing routines which I am privileged to behold almost daily even while I am on their buses. This particular female idiot is very mouthy and very obvious but not as far as she is aware herself. Fanny Fare box the younger got off at the Meadowcroft Nursing home though I do not know that she works there. She may be visiting but if there are any staff there connected in any way with the Homewood staff who played my protagonist’s game, I am sure they too have all their own versions of reality being passed along like good ‘friendly’ citizens to everyone they know. This is part of the group arrogance of course, my ‘not seeing’ them as they really are because I am so stupid, and their own belief that they ARE seeing me as they are all so much smarter and better than I. It is one of the most common parts of the reality reversal. I remember telling my recovery therapist in 96 that the only way I could tell the difference between when they believed I could see them and when they believed I could not, would be if I asked each one of them each time they behaved this way, “is THIS one of the times you think I can see you and hear you, or is it one of the times when you think I don’t. ‘ If they looked really surprised at the question, I could assume fairly accurately then that it was one of the times when they did NOT know I could see them and hear them five feet away.
One of my neighbours has informed the other tenants that among the things that she has heard is the fact that I am supposed to be some ‘big brain’ or something but SHE sure doesn’t see it. The woman she told agrees with her too and has passed that along to many others as well BUT this is all being kept ‘secret’ from me so don’t let on that you know OK? They are all busy humouring poor stupid crazy ‘unfriendly’ me.
University boys act out for me for the 150th time, “she never says a word to anybody.’
This is the stupidest remark I ever hear, over and over again. I have done nothing BUT say ‘words’ it is just that all the words I say are not hear as having any meaning, so I say them over and over to the deaf of mind knowing that the end result will be the same when dealing with those who simply cannot hear either me or themselves. The absurdity persists in this game that took on a life of its own so long ago. I get diagnosed and labeled for the saying of words by people who repeat over and over again that I ‘never say a word to anybody.’ My Gawd how do you break out of an insane loop like that? Also heard on the street, ‘She offered years ago to meet some of them at the police station but they did not even respond to her as usual. They never did.’
Some of the staff at the library wondered out loud if they could be charged with libel. They were assured they did not have to worry abut that. Looks like that point made by a Homewood nurse years ago is true doesn’t it? If they ‘all stick together we will be OK. After all they can’t fire all of us.’
Right you are dear. Instead the pillars of the community get rid of their victim and then deny the whole thing.
Someone who was in the trillium unit when I was there now smirks when she sees me. At the time, she was with another who announced that I was too ‘effed in the head’ to understand what they were talking about there anyway. In my ongoing experience, ‘mental illness’ however it is defined, and stupidity, are often seen as one and the same. Ironically, I tend to agree with this as an abstraction though it is as often as not applied to the wrong people. That being the case, I know a lot of crazy people right now who don’t know they are ‘mad.’ They don’t know they are stupid either. But then it is the same thing right?
Someone has now given my psychiatric history to the Library staff including the fact that I was hospitalized. “Confidentiality” is my all time favourite psychiatric delusional belief. It is a really common one too. Peggy consults with another woman at Coco Latte. (You may remember her as one of the previous ‘strangers’ I thought was talking about me at the Silver Dollar all those years ago. The assessment of me and the whole situation continues. They wonder what I will think of ‘him’ now when I ‘find out’ that I was ‘set up.’

How is that for Dale’s ‘Theatre of the Absurd?’
Anybody remember me saying on my answering machine tapes to those listening in at Homewood’s Hamilton 2 and 3, “I have been set up to look like I am insane.” Guess who did the ‘setting up’? Dale Tuck, psychiatric nurse then on the Hamilton unit . By the way, the people you gossiped with about it (not that you did of course) responded to it on the streets of Guelph while you still denied hearing it.
The University of Guelph employee who discussed my sexual identity with other assessors and evaluators and who lives on Tiffany St. has been seen by me working at the university of Guelph Library front desk. Another amazing coincidence in an endless series of them that make all my paranoid delusions seem ‘plausible’ even though you all just know they can’t be reality. I believe he may be married to a clerical worker from Vista at Homewood and who used to say “hi” to me all the time but pretends not to know anything like all the rest of them.
Two drug using drinking guys on a bus in the company of a blond ‘bimbo’ who was supporting them in their acting out also did an evaluation of my sexuality (as perceived by them and their non stop obsession with other people’s sex lives and abilities) She thought maybe she should take me on and teach me a thing or two but since she had to be so contemptuous, she then loudly rejected me too.” The three a**holes then went into the usual forced laughter routine used by addicts to convince themselves they are really having a good time and are better than all of those who ‘think’ they are ‘better than us.’ You know, the usual crappy public behaviour. The next day, I saw one of the guys on the #3 bus who seemed to have a somewhat difficult time looking me in the eye without his buddies there to support him. He actually nodded at me and I just shook my head and looked away. Bet another round of my ‘unfriendliness’ gets played out again as my major character flaw. This has become pretty much standard now.
I wonder if Kerry R. who has been affiliated with the Community Heath Centre where I was regularly assessed and evaluated by virtually everyone there is related to tany of the fare box Fannies? Maybe we should ask the guy I call “Intrepid’ who has been seen talking with him also.
A pair of gossips from Riverside Glen who have assessed me and the situation of the Waterloo bus are now less enthusiastic about their ‘amusements’ telling stories of me and who I am supposed to be. I think maybe they have been ‘found out’ by someone. Now they drop their eyes and render themselves invisible when I look directly at them.
Two people from my building who have connected together in the non stop story telling and negative assessment of me, (which one of them passes along to the twelve steppers and others and the other passes along to one of the long time mall crawlers as well as the other tenants who are all involved in it) approach me on the street downtown. (Both have hidden agendas which they use with each other too but neither one is ware of it at all even though I am. It is quite bizarre to watch their mutual act.) As they approach, they drop their eyes and one of them says to the other, smirking, ‘I wonder if she will say anything to us when we are together like this. ‘(Oh the temptation to say what they don’t want known but I restrained myself as usual) Two feet closer they decided I would be aware of them just as they had decided I would not be aware of them two feet farther away. This is the usual pattern with those who decide FOR us what we will be aware of and what we won’t. Both put their plastic smiles on and said ‘hello Pat.’ Amazing, I thought to myself. Even after all the gossiping I know they have been doing and all the evaluating of the reasons I don’t bother talking to them beyond a few civil greetings, they STILL have no idea they are seen and heard six feet away or that they are perfectly obvious in their group behaviour. It really is mind boggling to watch this kind of group delusion but the proof of its existence can no longer be denied by me even if it goes on being denied by them forever.
As I ride the bus down Delhi one day, a tenant who lives near me gets on at Homewood. Two of the psychiatrized I know are on the bus with me. I talk to one of them occasionally as he know s me from there and on the streets but I don’t think they connect all the Homewood chatter with me. They both spotted my neighbour getting on. Se is sort of ‘mannish’ and has short brown hair too. The male of the psychiatrized people listens as the female says, I think that must be her because they say she never says a word about it to anybody and that one never talks to anybody at all when she is in there. ‘
She does talk actually just not to them and most people, She has actually talked to me and then later got together with at least 2 others of my new building critics to ridicule me ‘secretly’ six feet away, for ‘thinking’ I understand this better than they do and even better than the psychiatrists. In both cases, she also announced that she though maybe I knew they were talking about me as I was looking right at them but then they decided against that. (after all how could someone as dopey and unaware as I am (subjective projection) understand them? )
Today, one of the psychiatrized people is ‘looking forward to meeting this ‘Pat’ someday’ as she says I understand just how she feels and what has happened to her.‘
On June 25th the 'charming' woman who works at the university centre Tim Horton's was seen entertaining bus drivers as usual with her never ending stories and opinions of others. Little does she know I am fully aware of all her comments to others in the building as well. She also has no idea why I am so 'unfriendly' towards her but like so many others concludes that it must be my problem...since I don't know anything about HER. How could I? All of this is a big secret being kept by virtually EVERYONE.
A uniformed cop is telling the security guard down at the mall that ‘they’ like ‘the attention they get’ as it makes ‘them’ feel important to get it. A similar conversation is taking place with the employees of the mall liquor store.
Also this morning I heard at the university that ‘he stalked her.’
The University Tim Hortons' employee who lives in my building continues to use me as one of her favourite topics for contempt and ridicule.Today June 28th, she managed to connect with another who used to work at Homewood in the exercise room but now apparently works at the university also. (She got very fat) Both had a little disdainful, 'secret' gossip session regard me after once again, I failed to be 'friendly' to this witch who has been bad mouthing me to bus drivers, other tenants, bus and passengers and others. She also ridicules the 'crazies' for 'entertainment. Naturally she has NO IDEA why I am so cool to her. It can only be MY mental problems or personality problem since it can't be that I am fully aware of her. Bet you anything after she got the opinion of the former Homewood employee she went right back to the building to inform them all there. That should help them to justify their gossiping about it. It always does. You see this woman like ALL of her type, has no idea that who she pretends she is towards me and who she REALLY is behind my back (from a few feet away often) are BOTH known to me and my reaction to her is based on what I know, her obvious duplicity with a saccharine smile cover, and not what she BELIEVES I know.
THAT is the difference.
The other difference is that I do not express my opinion of her to everyone else I see and then pretend I am not doing it. I tell the person what I think of them or I tell no one at all. I may however start to be more like her in this special case.

A couple of tenants from the neighbourhood riding the bus discuss the death of someone and one jerks her head at me saying, " if SHE’S supposed to be psychic then why didn’t she know that was going to happen?’ They both then shook their heads contemptuously but since I was four feet away from them, I did not know about this.
(As a matter of interest, the first time I heard this 'psychic’ bit was out of the mouths of Homewood staff, followed closely by folks acting it out for me in the town square. It was in 99 that I found the book which revealed the psychic con part of the training. I think I however, on the other side of this nexus of meaning, was supposed to be the ‘stupid schizo’ who would think that people were reading my mind if they repeated everything I said to Dale back to me.) Fascinating little nurse isn’t he? He thinks he can read my mind when he can’t, yet he does not consider himself to BE one of those ‘stupid schizos’ for whom he allegedly has such contempt. Moving along now...It is also interesting that others define what ‘psychics’ should and should not know, even though they have no idea what we do know or don’t know. But of course, this little scene was really about pseudo bonding through the contempt for another and not about psychic ability at all. If the person who died is who I think it is, I tried to warn her and she joined in the ridicule with others because of it. Of course my two critics may not have known that and besides, isn’t this about ‘blaming’; something THEY don’t do? If it was, I could have told them what irrational behaviours they were likely to display but hey, as I said many years ago to my listeners on Hamilton 2 and 3, with a special message for Geoff Daniel, M.D. who had sent me across the street to be told how inappropriate it would be for me to try to talk to anyone in public or confront anyone on Homewood staff about this, “If I were to confront everyone who is lying to me or trying to fool me, I would not have time to be doing anything else all day long.” (That message was so that Homewood, in particular the staff on the Hamiltons, who were playing Dale’s ‘game’ would know I got the message to suppress the truth OK.)

The 65ish guy with the gray/blond hair who smokes and hangs about the square with his slicked back hair is hanging about again. He wears shorts and Hawaiian style shirts in the summer usually with loafers. His job is one many have it seems; to smirk. He and a couple of others did a ‘hand action’ discussion about a ‘turn around.’ I have seen these ‘hand action’ discussions take place many times over the last few years. The repeatability in all this is really annoying. There are usually specific phrases that go with it like ‘SHE has this whole thing turned right around.’ (Which means going in different directions to different people.
After Blabber mouth disdainful Rita has a heads together discussion with the driver on the Stone Rd. Route has had her discussion of all the latest crap she then is seen with my ‘friend’ no doubt passing anything they can along to all the other innocent mystified people involving themselves. My ‘friend actually has gotten, and given, disinformation from a variety of sources but never says a single word about any of it to me. Occasionally she patronizes me and thinks I don’t know about it. She tells others she sees not sign of brains in me though she has heard I am ‘some big brain’ or something. She is assessing and evaluating too you see and is also doing the pseudo bonding thing with the group.

A Homewood employee who has been pretending she doesn’t know anything for many years now is quite put out with me since I don’t bother talking to her anymore either. (Frankly I am just sick of their stupid pretensions) I hear this ‘not friendly enough’ to suit them thing pretty much constantly now. The staff of the nursing home agrees with her. After all, since I don’t know what they did (even though they know I DO know) why would I not be ‘friendly’ to such lovely people, huh? Must be some weird personality disorder I have since it sure can’t be them can it?
On Sunday, the food court earring guy spots me (the same one I have seen going into one of the apartments of the ‘mystified’ actresses who lives near me and pumps my friend and my neighbours for information) and then instantly makes a short cell phone call. That may not seem much in itself but if a lot of people instantly make cell phone calls right after they ‘spot’ you and some, like this one have done it five or six times just the same way, a precise pattern of behaviour begins to appear that seems just a little too sequenced to be a ‘coincidence.’ OH yes that actress who plays the mystified neighbour has also questioned my fellow tenants about what I do in my apartment. Do they ever hear anything? Have they ever seen a man there? Does she play music or anything? Have they ever heard anyone else in my apartment with me? Have you seen any visitors? (God knows what else she feels she needs to know!) of course this too is all a ‘secret’ being kept from me.
Steve from the public Library is going to tell Dan the story of it being like entertainment later on when they have some time. At the housing office the statement is made; ‘Is it ever embarrassing.’
“That’s her “is making another round as a repeated statement. Again I hear on the streets; “they did it for the entertainment of it.” I also heard that same statement many years ago about the Homewood staff involved. Also heard, “they are going to have a meeting about it.’
Who has more meetings to discuss meetings that make no plans to change anything than the populations of this city?
The only meeting they never have is the one with the person who understands it. Lastly because I think I forgot this one; The Delusional Donut Lady. This is the one who works at the university shop and who also narrates for me (covertly of course) in the building where I am now. She started bad mouthing me when she saw me on the bus, continued when she saw me in the hallways and has kept up her little disdainful acting out with others ever since. She has quite the act going and in fact, she talks so much and believes she is so well hidden that she has inspired me to write a piece of fiction using her as my model though of course any real similarity to her is going to be purely coincidental . That will come later. This one time though she did her bonding with an ex employee of Homewood who now apparently works at the university too. She has put on her best plastic smile again for me and then asked me a question which I answered with one word. (What I would really like to do is ‘confront her’ but you know I am not ‘allowed’ to do that) So she went to find someone handy she could denigrate me to as usual. Still not ‘friendly enough’ to suit my critics and they have no idea why. They discussed it at the bus stop I don’t go to anymore and on the bus again still trying to reach that ever elusive consensus reality FOR me. You see, since I don’t know that ANY of them do this, then my lack of friendliness towards them is without cause isn’t it?

And that folks wraps up the Spoonful of June. Oh there is a lot more but I would be typing only this monthly post if I included all the daily fare. Tune in again next time for An Eye on July.

Now go to the new Alleged post as well for a little more detail.

Listening Without Hearing

First posted here in 2006

Let Paul Simon Help Us All

Proof!
By Paul Simon ( with a small variation)

Let me translate that for you into psychiatrese....
So Allegedly

Some people going to call me up and tell me something I already know.
Same people go crazy on me, say, "Oh no. That's not the deal we made;

( I'm supposed to be too stupid or crazy to be aware of them)

I've got to go. I've got to go...
( we are all going to pull out of this now and pretend we didn't do anything in order to save our own butts)
Faith is an island in the setting sun

( we are all going to have to do a lot better than to operate on the belief system of the Psychiatric Faith)

But proof; Now proof is the bottom line for everyone. Paul Simon

( what is (has) being done to me and then denied, IS the evidence that this is done all the time by groups ( or mobs) of people just like all these pillars of the community, and that it is done in the name of "help" as often as not.

This group dynamic is the dysfunctional group's denial of the pink elephant in the living room. It is the denial that the Emperor is parading around in public in his underwear. It is the result of promoting politically correct, well mannered, personable facades as "reality" so that no one will notice the duplicitous minds, frozen emotions and dying souls hidden behind the pretty picture humanity has painted over it all.

We like to put make-up on our corpses so they will look alive. We like to pretend that anyone who sees all the ugliness behind those well mannered facades and public glad-handing sessions is just crazy and needs to be drugged into the denial which those who are "normal" adopt willingly.

After all, if we are not going to comply with the hive mind, we are obviously abnormal aren't we? For on this planet, some perceive as Fantasy World, reality is defined by group consensus, and any evidence to the contrary is simply ignored as irrelevant.

Not long ago, I told Ilona R. (former office employee at Comcare Guelph)that I was connected to a project being run by an American psychologist as part of the mental health reform movement. After reacting with the customary flat affect we nuts see so often from the ''normals,'' and an expression that said, ''You poor sick thing you'', I received a consoling type hug from Ilona. Here is my ''delusional'' belief now:

Minds Of Psychiatrists Research Project

Be sure to read all the way down and then check out the related article link at the bottom of the page.



Al Siebert, PhD.


You might also be interested to know that Dr. Siebert's new book, ''The Resiliency Advantage'' is available at the Guelph Library and you can order his other book, "A Schizophrenia Breakthrough" right off his Site.

Point Of Interest:

Did you know that The Emperor's New Clothes is a children's story? It was in my school ''reader'' in grade three or four. I got the point of it then and understood it was like a parable (symbolic). Now I was just wondering...would psychiatrists consider that story to be ''appropriate or ''safe'' reading material for ''schizophrenics''?

Did any of you happen to hear this one?
Chris C. R.N. McKinnon/Hamilton 2, was told in 95 by Bob C. GTC, then a supervisor, that some of the bus drivers involved in this were baiting me by using the information they had been given by Homewood staff, or at Dale's direction, to see if they could get a response out of me, that would be given back to them,by the same staff? Did you know I gave them some of what they expected?
Unfortunately, suffering as they were from G.A.D.S.,they could not put together the fact that I responded, with the fact that I obviously could see then baiting me. So, twleve years later, they still believe they are ''hiding'' their obvious behaviour from stupid/crazy me. Mind boggling isn't it? You should try bending your mind around it from MY perspective. It is literally too idiotic to even seem possible.









oncacp