January Justifications

Bruce H. and Doug F. (aka Vincent T) are seen together chatting in a restaurant. Both of these ones have discussed me in my presence in the past separately with two other people at the time. The Homewood Library volunteer makes her daily visit to the public. Now she tends to drop her eyes when she sees me. A friend of one of my fellow tenants who lives in housing on Woolwich St. and to whom my fellow tenant has been ‘covertly’ evaluating me, is now in conversation with a grad student of psychology who works at the library. There is some chatter about what is going on at U. of G.
A cashier at Food basics on Silvercreek gives the head jerk in my direction to the cashier at whose checkout I am entering. She continues, “I have to tell you something,’ then punctuates that with another head jerk. My cashier response with body language and facial expressions no doubt meant to be unreadable to someone as dull witted as I. She says, ‘tell me.’ The number one cashier responds, “I can’t right now. I will tell you later.” Naturally I am oblivious to all of this as always. The first cashier, who has the secret to tell after pointing me out, has been seen by me many times in the past while using me as her topic. She is a repeat performer in the addictions program and was there when the staff (and many patients especially in the Manor) was using me as their target of all the ‘fun.’ I believe she is still getting and telling her version of my ‘reality’ at meetings, which is where it is ongoing for many others also. She too is also oblivious to me and herself as we really are, just like so many other of the enmeshed participants.
Two women at the library discuss my ‘case.’ One of the women is a psych student who has discussed me many times with others. The other is one who is new to me: sixty-ish, married, short light brown hair going grey and wearing glasses though like me, they may just be for reading. One says, “Everyone was just shocked that it was one of the professors who did it. (IT?) The older one, a social worker apparently says, “Well you can’t blame them for not answering her. After all, everyone just gets so sick of hearing about it.” (I would bet I am much more ‘sick of their ignoring everything I say and their arrogance and smug certainty that they know everything. This is the OTHER side of the same experience you see; the one no one wants to hear about as they would have to deal with it if they were to actually listen.)
Dude to mall cop: “She just pulled the plug on him.” A number of local police are said to express their opinion that I am ‘nothing but a liar.’ No doubt many of them have come to this conclusion by virtue of the gossiping connections with Homewood staff, or perhaps the local bus drivers. (NOT that any of them have done any such thing of course and if I claim they have then I am just crazy!)
Students: “Well at first it seems really funny but then you start to realize how really scary it is.”
Mike from 387: is seen at the housing office gossiping with the same female employee who has been seen by me gossiping disdainfully with a library employee.
Jan 8th 09: One of the Vista employees present when I went to see Ed Perez in January 2001 stops as she gets of the bus at the front and looks back at me sitting at the back of the bus. (You see while they all pretend they don’t know what I have told them, they also know that I know they know. This is part of the dysfunctional game. Some of them wonder amongst themselves why I ‘don’t say anything’ while others know I have said everything since late 94, long before I broke down, but that I am being ignored.)
Dale T. is standing waiting at the bus stop where I catch it on Speedvale after seeing a client I have nearby. He walked past this same bus stop on the same day about three or four weeks ago, looked back to see if I was looking at him and then checked his watch. Though he lives on this route now, he had to walk past about four stops to be standing at this one on his way downtown. I stayed away from physically and ignore d him completely. After he got on the bus, he chatted with Wanda M. (ex wife of the guy who filled in the staff on his version of me at the Volunteer Centre, in ‘secret’ of course) She looked back at me a little smirk on her face and I wondered then if he was telling another one of his little reality reversal stories with the ‘’switched positions’ and the ‘shift’ being used as those fascinating est-ees like to do when they are playing bait and switch for power. Interesting isn’t it that he and all who join in can say anything they like about me but I am not ‘allowed’ to say anything about them or even about myself in my own defence. This is of course a scripted and pre-planned outcome as I told my last psychiatrist in the series of the psychologically deaf doctors, back in 2000.
A Homewood Volunteer whom I suspect is another of those addictions ‘graduates’ is telling a known 12 stepper at the public library, “I just don’t know about Homewood anymore. It was a bunch of nurse that did it and they are still covering up for THEM. How is that good behaviour? Why is it ok for them but not for other people?’
A psychiatrized guy who generally looks quite bewildered and now likes the nutrition idea as a solution is standing in various places on the streets lately just watching. A girl standing with him one day says, “it’s a scandal.’ (Patients from many years ago, many of them now dead, were saying the same thing back then.)
The Donut Lady is on the attack yet again. This one lives in my building where I am now and started her contemptuous nonsense the day I moved in. “What is SHE doing here, “ she asked another ridiculing gossiping tenant, as I stood ten feet away looking right at the pair of them. (This woman does not actually know me but guess what? She is part of the group of perpetually angry people who ‘think’ they DO know me and what they know me from is all their own ‘stories’ they have invented for themselves and spread everywhere while denying it of course. These folks sometimes need a little more ‘help’ with having there emotions medicated, the treatment of choice, especially when they cannot find enough of those ‘inferior ‘others’ to act out upon. You see doing so allows them to spend the rest of their time keeping those phoney plastic smiles on their faces when dealing with the people they think they maybe SHOULD care about. The Donut lady’s repeat performance in denigrating me for others goes something like this: “She doesn’t need any help. She doesn’t even need to be here. She is just plain greedy. You should have seen all the bags and bags of stuff she had when she moved in!” (Now anyone she has repeated her story to will know just which Donut Lady I mean. Of course she will likely either deny it or else justify it. What she is unlikely to do is just mind her own business since minding everyone else’s business for them is how she gets through her day it would seem. Clearly she finds herself more worthy to be in the same place. I wonder if she is another game player of the official variety. No I think she is just an amateur. Oh I should mention that when she sees me up until very recently she goes right into a ‘friendly act’ as if that was here true nature. This is why she and those like her don’t understand my lack of friendliness you see. Since I do not know about the real her and all she has had to say since day one, I would have no ‘reason’ to be unfriendly towards her; therefore, it must be all about the character flaws from which I suffer. See how that works? I am sure she will continue to fill Homewood employees in on her opinion of me and everyone else she runs into as well. The same is true for the other one who belongs to the same ‘club,’ is the same kind of ‘friendly’ (nosy and extremely judgemental) and assesses everyone in the building next door too whether she actually knows them or not.
I wonder if they advertise for these types as part of the building requirements.
“Due to a current shortage, there are several openings for over bearing, pushy pains in the ass currently available. Must be unable to identify personal boundaries, and unwilling to learn. Experience preferred but not essential. Must be willing to repeat all rumours, true or false, especially the denigrating one’s, all over town to everyone you meet. Bus driver entertainment value will be tested. Clearly a position for a ‘people person.’”

A woman who lives on Woodycrest and who was heard by me talking about me there is at my bus stop today. Once on the bus she steals a glance and the amusement shows in her eyes as well as the barely perceptible little smirk. Then she looks away. This is the sort of thing they believe we ‘inferiors’ cannot see. It is very hard to tell the difference between it and a friendly smile so most of us who get psychiatrized for seeing it all just stop trying.
Street: “Nobody believes any of it now.” (Depends on what ‘it’ is to the speaker what that really means doesn’t ‘it’?)
Two psych students discuss the university’s need to lie about it. “They pretty much have to now,’ they say. This is likely in relation to the recent repeat round of the rumoured instruction by the administration to its staff and students not to talk directly to ‘her’ (me) as it may cause problems for Homewood.” Of course this was acted out for me again as usual. The first time I caught this act was immediately after I told the psychiatric hospital what my protagonist was doing and the psychiatrist involved back then had me told across the street how ‘inappropriate’ it would be for me to try to confront anyone about it. Rumour was way back then that the staff there had been told about the same time they were not to admit to anything. (Also acted out for me) I found it impossible after awhile to tell the difference between what I was supposed to be able to see and hear and what I was not since it all looked exactly the same to me and was at one point assumed to be part of the same suggested ‘joke.’ I told my recovery therapist in 96 that I would need to ask them to wave flags or blow whistles or something so I could tell the difference between what they believed I should be able to see and hear and what they believed I could not. Interestingly, most of them and the public they involved all still behave the same way. I just deal with them by ignoring them all now. I also told my recovery therapist that if they had just talked directly to me I would not have broken down. So what are they still doing all these years later? They are still instructing all the people acting out all the versions of reality, to refrain from any direct communication so they can all continue to take care of their OWN interests. Now who would not be ‘grateful’ for all of this? The group delusion must be preserved at all costs; especially if the costs are MINE. Game concept: “It’s about responsibility.” (Sure is, isn’t it?)
Street: “It did not even occur to them that she could understand it better than they do.” (It never does)
Library:” That’s her. He doesn’t talk to her because he’s (sing-songy voices together) “always right and never wrong.”
Another round with the Donut Lady: She is on the bus filling in one of the gossiping male tenant on her new repeat theme…”She doesn’t need to be here….” This one she is confiding with today has also been through the Manor away from ‘the Manor’ and has information for her and others from his fellow group members. Another assessment will likely take place at the next coffee klatch where all missing (Unfriendly) tenants are evaluated by group consensus.
Street: “She doesn’t look that hairy to me.”
Student to another student: “We don’t like you mother.’ (Then they giggled and discussed saying that right then and there.)
Riverside Glen staff member points me out to an elderly woman with dome comment which looked very disdainful by the face though I did not hear it I have seen that same face many times often at nursing homes etc (when I was still ‘allowed’ to go there) by staffers who either heard about me from Homewood staff or else who used to be Homewood staff and had an opinion to share all going back to the game with my protagonist. (Not that ANY of this has even happened of course!)Two students on the bus, “It really is amazing.” Another physical description of me is acted out by to female students at a bus stop. Always included is “she has short brown curly hair and usually some remark like 'she is really not very good looking.'
Two university students: ''It is like he can see her spirit and in a way that nobody else can.”
Library: ''Well this just shows you what Guelph is really like.''
A 'he' says, “well she is actually a very good teacher.”
U. of G. Staff: “They thought it would be over her head when in fact, it over their heads.”
Two fellow tenants have held another sharing of rumours session. (More than two of them but I mean something specifically here) They like to bond through their story telling about me even though both of them have been heard making remarks about each other as well. They are going information from various places including Homewood in patients and twelve step groups. In any case, both of them agree it is all just stupid. They both get to FEEL better about themselves when they do this. It is being kept secret of course from me so whatever you do, don't let me found out any of this. It is important for people to know that I have no reason to dislike them since I do not know they do this. That way they can keep right on doing it since they are justified in disliking me for being so “unfriendly' towards them even though they always smile broadly at me when they get a few feet closer. And decide I CAN see them now.
One of my new neighbours has taken to slapping me with platitudes
whenever we chat about the weather. Though she can complain all she wants, If I make even a small remark like ''I always feel colder when it is around zero than I do when it is -20.”
She responds with , “we must always be positive.” The time before we chatted briefly in the hallway about the pile of snow outside which caused her to remark, “We must take whatever life brings us and we must deal with it that's all.” (she has been listening to all the rumours that don't exist too you see and she feels a need with so many others to straighten me out. She has also been in for the help...mood altering drugs for the brain diseases once known as emotions. )
It is so fascinating to me too that all these people who swallow drugs are giving all the advice about 'facing reality and dealing with it,'' to those of us who don't use mood altering drugs to deal with reality! Quite absurd isn't it if you think about it?
January 29th, 2009
A guy (T.) from Paisley St:
Also who goes to AA meetings is seen talking with another ex patient from the psych hospital in Save Mart. At the same time, An ex Save Mart employee gossips with a current Save Mart/Old Silver Dollar employee. The welfare couple I mentioned in 94 who were acting out for me then in the town square, are listening in as they do almost daily at the same store. Though I did not hear what 'T' said, I did hear what the ex patient responded. It was, “Dr. Wendy Tolmie?!” Then he looked sort of shocked.
There is also supposed to be a 'he' according to staff at University, who also is not surrounded by ''friends'' but who prefers to go off in a corner somewhere and read a book by himself. I mention this because it was pointed out that I prefer to be alone rather than surrounded by bodies, by the same people discussing the 'he.'

Once again, the Psychiatric hospital and the university have allegedly given out instructions which are being followed by all those who get through life playing follow the controlling leader. I first had them acted out for me in late 94. They are a variation on the same self serving theme: “No one is to talk directly to her (me) as it may cause problems for the psychiatric hospital or the university.”

If either or both of those institutions cause problems for me though, well that's OK as their lives are apparently more 'real' than mine. Would that be the rationalization for that? It seems to be the way of it with quite a number of others who have involved themselves in too.

Well that concludes January, even though every word is not repeated back here. I am sure it will be basically more of the same for February Fabrications...