Cause “Or” Effect?

It’s “And” and This is the Missing Perspective

There is no such thing as 'choosing' to be EITHER 'at cause OR at effect.' Every individual is BOTH cause AND effect, for better or worse, whether it is recognized as reality or not.
The idea that you can CHOOSE to be one or the other is insanity itself. It is idiotic. The fact that so many do not know It is idiotic tells us something about the state of the world, the power of suggestion and groupthink, and the mesmerizing effects of talking in platitudes.

Let me put it together for you in more general terms. I am not really the ‘stupid’ and/or ‘crazy’ moron who is being fooled by thousands of much smarter people, who think they are somehow magically ‘hidden’ in plain sight. They have been acting it all out for me for the past thirteen or fourteen yeas of my life just as I have said, many times.

I am the one who understands what Dale was (and is) doing, better than anyone else here; and possibly better than Dale as well. (In fact, I would bet on that)
It is really just too bad if that upsets all of the Guelphites who are ‘certain that they know’ everything and also those who feel they are entitled to push and shove their way into everyone else’s business. But, (and I mean but) that’s reality, so let’s all try really hard to grow up and face it.
Manipulating people to behave just the way you have so that he can feel like he’s dominating everyone (not just me) is the ‘game’ that Dale is playing.

Even though Dr. Badoe ‘explained’ to me , (in his eleven minute diagnostic and labelling session) that I could not have been ‘set up’ for an attack by Dale because “he would have no reason to do so” I WAS "set up” by Dale, since according to his ‘training’ there ‘is no reason in what he does.’ He is just a stimulus response machine getting his jollies (defined as ‘an eroticization of aggressive impulses’) by being ‘unreasonable.’
So we could see my protagonist smirking at just such a statement as that made by Badoe could we not? If you ‘shift’ (existentially speaking) as in keeping with Dale’s little ‘test’ of me, then “he would have no reason to do so” could be either a positive or negative statement, depending upon your point of view and where you believe the starting point to be; with me, or with him. Remember I told you the topics of our brief discussions while he was "hooking his item"? One of the topics was existentialism. Like me, I’d bet his co-workers didn’t know about the ‘switch’ either did they? It goes like this:
“He would have no reason to do so.”
Therefore, if you project your own ‘reasonableness’ (a LOWER level of consciousness to him) into it, he couldn’t have done it.
OR
If you know that he’s being ‘unreasonable’ and that he does what he does without reason, then you understand that he did do it.
Isn’t this cute? Are you all having as much cathartic ‘fun’ as you were while you were attacking his victim for him?
Do you suppose that Dale picked 'power' over ‘enlightenment’?
Say, I have a really ‘crazy’ idea. Why don’t we try looking for concrete evidence? I know that isn’t something you ‘experts’ like to waste your time doing, especially if it means you might have to talk directly to a nobody like me, but hey, why not try a little logic for once?
I hear you are discussing ‘mediation’ again. Do you people think you will EVER be capable of genuine, direct communication? Perhaps you should try getting your “what’s in it for us” attitude out of the way for a change of pace.

A long time ago I told you I would meet a certain group, or any members thereof, down at the police station where my conversation can be witnessed officially. (I have learned from you that unless I have witnesses and/or film at eleven, I can expect lots and lots of denialand diagnostics) you chose to ignore that offer as usual. So, you know what? You just keep right on having all those ‘meetings’ you love so much while the whole world watches your example of ‘ethics’ and ‘integrity’ and hopefully, you will encourage others to start thinking in depth, about exactly what kind of concrete power they are willingly handing to you and start questioning that decision to do so.
I bloody well hope so.
Let me repeat to all of you what I originally said to Dale and his dim witted, yet extraordinarily arrogant co-workers:
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves.’
It is because you are NOT that I, and many just like me, will shame you publicly for your apparent lack of conscience or human empathy. Shame, shame on you!

Now, let’s look back on this disgusting thirteen year display of group arrogance, from MY perspective, the one you have all worked so hard to suppress and deny as meaningless and irrelevant.

life is really not lived on an endless supply of abstract platitudes and aphorisms connected to nothing at all. As even my protagonist’s ‘hero’ says, “Reality is substantial and will knock you on your ass!”
Does this statement not give you a hint as to the intent of ‘lesson’ in this system of ‘training’? After all, he didn’t say “reality is substantial and will shower you with gifts," did he?

Well folks, here comes the ‘knocking you on your ass’ part, as Dale’s ‘hero’ promise in this ‘Pyrrhic victory.’ (According to Fenwick’s analysis) Apparently, you just won’t have it any other way. (“Mediation” my aunt Fanny) You had ten effin years to make the decision to act like you understood what integrity means. You chose to take care of your own interests since you see those interests as apart for those you consider to be your inferiors; like ME. I expect that you will keep right on taking care of your own interests until it is seen as IN your own best interests to apologize and make amends to your staff’s victim. As I told Rhea in 96, ‘if the ever DO admit to what they did, I expect it will only be because they will ‘look’ even worse if they DON’T do it. Not exactly what you would call a spiritual ‘conversion’ but I guess it will have to do.

So now, I will post what I have been put through by this community for over a decade. I will keep most of the names out of this part so you can just get a really good FEEL for the experience from my point of view. You know; the one you never want because someone who really matters might have to feel bad. Let us all look back now though time, to the real starting point and the ‘switch” performed by the twisted, sadistic, little psychiatric nurse who allegedly has said he believes that ‘there is no right or wrong.’ Let’s see how we all get trapped, victims and non discerning followers alike, by looking for reason in the unreasonable leader with the hidden agenda. What a “Zen-like’ cuteness’ huh? This is about the ‘fun’ of tearing me down and rebuilding me as a mental case according to Dale’s direction.

One of the lessons of this so called ‘game’ is to learn that you cannot discern the difference between a victim and an aggressor, between a madman and a hero, between good and evil, or between a psychopath and a Savior, when ‘reality’ is being defined by an individual who spouts platitudes and aphorisms as a communication style, while operating with a hidden agenda of domination. There are people who say there is no right or wrong as this frees them up for limitless possibilities in obtaining power and control over others. These are people who behave, themselves, like stimulus response machines while controlling others who are taught to do the same.
Does this sound at all familiar to you on a conceptual level? It should.
How about the denial of the whole event and the truth the victims tell? Does that sound familiar? How about the group catharsis which occurs when the members of the group are offered a scapegoat to act out on? How about the destruction of the lives of the victims, many of whom commit suicide or are driven into psychosis, because they are trapped in a situation from which there is no escape possible, without seeing the truth about the leader who is paying the ‘game’?

Do you all understand yet that the problem grows like fission, in a non linear way, BECAUSE the majority just follow the leader, or go along with the group consensus and willingly give up discernment to others? Do you understand why the leader calls everyone inside the training, ‘a**holes’ and tells them that before he is done with them they won’t know the difference between one word and another? Do you understand that it is the GROUP experience that is ‘schizophrenic’ and not the individual targeted by the aggressor?
Do you understand this is about group insanity, and that the group sidesteps ‘responsibility’ by denying the whole event and then claiming the (mostly) accurate report of it is the perception/reaction problem of its victim? Do you understand why it is compared to the need to keep the ‘Family Romance’ going?
I do.
I understand. I also got the ‘understanding’ after I had already been sucked in (hooked) to my protagonist’s little con game. You see, he was proving himself to be the ‘winner’, in control, in the game of life and not the ‘loser’ like me, with the under standing.
(Har har har)

It is rumoured that my protagonist has said he was ‘teaching her that she can’t control everything.” He was also teaching me that he DOES control everything, but that it is a ‘secret’ from the rest of you, who are simply manipulated in the act to do his bidding.
So how does it all turn out?
Well, reality gets turned around one hundred and eighty degrees. I get to be ‘broken down’ and ‘diagnosed’ as inherently defective for seeing and hearing the truth no one else involved can see. He gets supported and enabled (as though he were MY victim) for performing his act and then he and everyone else involved pretend to be mystified by the whole thing. The group continues to attack his victim, whom they perceive, at his direction, as the aggressor. His insanity is protected and reinforced and the whole group remains certain that they understand what, in reality, they have no clue about whatsoever, and which they demand the victim stop trying to tell them about. Instead, they have stood around arrogantly ‘assessing’ everything they have created themselves saying, “They say they have never seen anything like it.”

A TRUE statement. Its meaning though depends upon what “it’ is to them.
All this of course takes place at the nexus of MEANING. The razor's edge of sanity/insanity, just like what all the people labelled "schizophrenic" get put through by other groups of people who are all certain that they know everything too. Want to hear it in a nutshell? (smiling)

The aggressor with the hidden agenda of domination gets away with it because the group of people he manipulates to act out on his behalf covers it all up for him and denies the whole thing ever happened. They do this to sidestep responsibility for their participation so that they can take care of their own interests. The victim is then kept "right where she is," is blamed instead of them, and told that she must 'let it go.' If she does not 'let it go' she will be subject to 'treatment for her invented 'perception/reaction problem' in order to help justify the group behaviour and to deflect blame.
If, as the victim, I think anyone is really going to rescue me , I am to understand that I am just "Waiting for Godot." For "in life, understanding is the booby prize. Sorry."
(I am quoting here what Dale wrote down for me when I asked him what exactly, he was doing.)
The line itself is one of his hero's aphorisms. His hero taught him how to create his own Pi. His hero has said so publicly. Pi is an infinite number and it is also a loop. It is about blaming the victim and excusing the aggressor. You may recall that Thomas Szasz has said the same thing for decades. But, it is also about manipulating and deceiving a group. You know who is most likely to understand this game? Those who have been aggressors before and those who have been the victims of aggressors. These are the people who understand this so called 'game' better than most others.
I think you know why I do not support A.C.T. or the psychiatric establishment and why I am now on the other side. I was myself forced to face the reality of psychiatry and it's agenda of power and control. This love of money, power, control, politics and appearances is killing the truth that would set us all free. So, there is no 'choice' for me.
I choose reality as I know that all the ones who are denying it for the sake of a facade are the ones who are truly 'mad.'

It's time: put the principle above your 'charming' facade personalities and make the leap forward.
The "Final Solution" from MY side of the nexus of meaning is to hand the responsibility for the abuse, (not the abuse itself) back to the "Source" from which It came. Does Werner suffer from the grand delusion?
It is time the Source" understood himself. For he is indeed "at cause" and the "Source" of his own pain. He was victimized by his own aggression Pi which as he himself knows, does indeed transcend space/time itself in a non linear way. Now he gets it. There is only the NOW. Her he gets the booby prize of his own understanding. Now he is complete. Abstract AND concrete. Power AND enlightenment. Good AND evil. Cause AND effect. The first AND the last, of the Switch. We have reached the end. We are finished. You know what finished is defined as don't you? It is "the point where all further search stops." I no longer need to look for something which I have already found.
The Trickster's arrogance blinded him to the truth about himself, causing him to self destruct by splitting himself in two, in an attempt by half of him to escape a reality that he just couldn't or wouldn't, face head on. As he says, it is children who play the domination game. Time to grow up. It is over. YOU must let It go by leaving It behind you. For the devil converted, back around one hundred and eighty degrees is "lived." Past tense. No more living 'backwards in time: no more being the "Source" of your own pain or the source of the pain of others either. There is a point when hiding yourself in an opaque compartment stops being an act of protection and a place of safety, and becomes instead an isolating prison of your own creation. Now you have boxed yourself in. Let Jack out of the box you forced him into before it is too late. If you don't, the box will become your coffin and there will be nothing outside of it. There IS a messiah. You just have to stop defending your faulty premise to become able to see the other side; the other Pi.
My God, who is the God of all people says, "Even the devil himself can be redeemed." I am just "crazy" enough to believe that. Perhaps it is now the time for the "Source" who is "at cause" to "get off his act."

I could never have solved this and regained my sanity be trying to sort out all the concrete details of it. It became a non stop contradiction with multiple versions of every point of reality, the abstract OR concrete, positive OR negative meanings, which grew exponentially outward, through a fission of gossips and judges, all spreading their opinions everywhere, "covertly" of course. There was also no direct contact from anyone involved which would have helped me do it a little faster and easier.
I could only resolve it by staying focused on my own protagonist as the starting point, while everyone else tried to talk me out of it, and by trying to find out what it meant to him in particular. I also focused on what I thought it meant to It's creator.
In order to do that, I had to transcend my subjective experience of it, even while it was ( and still is) happening . I observed the action of the "two sides" opposing me from MY perspective; the aggressor and the group. That is how it looks from the other side of the nexus of meaning.
Those of us who share our experience of reality from this side of it, do NOT conceal the contents or the conceptual meaning so that we can obtain power that does not belong to us. We reveal it all so that others will receive the enlightenment so necessary to discernment and hopefully learn HOW to recognize the difference between a psychopath and a hero.

The hero teaches personal empowerment with mutual respect for the boundaries of others. He is at a centre of influence and concern.

The psychopath teaches domination and submission and sees others as not as "real" as himself and therefore without relevance to him. He is at the top of a pyramid of power and control.

Though both may be very intelligent and even almost equal; it is the motivation and the goal that creates the discernible difference between good and evil. It is the devil's arrogance which blinds him to himself.

Now psychiatry, look farther back through time, even to before my own existence on the physical level of reality and really listen to the experiences of the 'insane' and just see what you hear now, in relation to what you know now. I think, if you are honest with yourselves, you will hear something you never heard before for even though the words are still the same, the meaning, as we now understand It, has changed. Spiritual growth tends to be like that.

Does it seem like time itself is running forward to some and backwards to others?

Now I am going to share some of the citywide experience of this game, known by Dale as being "at effect."

On disk

What Do Words Mean?

It IS A Communication Problem

Here is an example of how the SAME words can have opposite meaning, depending upon the speaker’s point of view and ALSO upon the point of view of the one who is hearing them.

“You don’t reveal the contents of your training to outsiders or others as it will only confuse them.”

This is a statement at the abstract nexus of meaning. What it means, exactly, depends upon a number of things about what is understood.
Is it a negative or a positive statement?
If the speaker’s intentions are to clarify meaning, then the statement is contradictory in content, since offering enough information on a subject doesn’t cause confusion for others, it clears up confusion.

However, if the speaker’s intentions are to confuse others, then it makes sense to withhold information in order to achieve that goal doesn’t’ t it?

On the other side of that transaction is the listener. How does the listener hear those same words? If the listener is looking for resolution for both self and others, then the statement won’t seem to make any sense. But, what if the listener is motivated by a twisted desire for power and control over others as a way of making himself feel good?
What do the same words mean then?
Is the same statement an accusation, a revelation or an instruction? Does it depend upon your current understanding, your motivation, your character and your personal goals?

I think that it does and I also think that it is important to see this sort of thing from outside it, rather than try to find concrete meaning in it applied equally to all, based upon any individual’s point of view. There IS a meaning on the level of abstract meaning but it does depend upon the point of view. The point of view needed to see it as an abstract dynamic is the overview. We cannot take our own concrete experience and turn those details into an abstract truth which applies to all. It is a Quantum leap from one to the other.

This nexus of meaning is a communication paradox the psychiatrized are caught up in all the time. The psychiatrists actually don’t understand it any better than the psychiatrized. In fact, most psychiatrized understand it better, but we don’t get heard. We get silenced. More often then not, that happens the minute after the label is applied. Nothing says, ‘invalidate this person’ faster than the label that signals virtually everyone to do just that.

After that, life’s meaning is supplied FOR us, often by force, by those who are certain that they know what they in fact, don’t understand at all. You might say, they think they know things simply because they believe them.

You might also say that if you want to REALLY communicate and get some REAL understanding, the first question you need to ask is, exactly WHICH ‘things’ do you believe you know?

When people believe that they already understand something, all further search for the truth and resolution stops doesn’t it?

Psychiatrists need to understand the whole thing, including the part THEY are playing in keeping the whole mess going. They are not ‘outside’ this problem as ‘objective observers’ as they like to believe they are.

“Mental illness’ of this kind is about a GROUP dynamic and the group is just as ‘ill’ if not more ‘ill’ than the identified patient, who is often the target of the whole group. This dynamic creates chaos on a non linear level that grows exponentially by chain reaction. (like fission) Rather than by accepting this as an ‘’illness’’ neatly located within the targeted ‘patient’ the cure will only be found by clarification of both personal and collective MEANING.

Equality of worth is the path to understanding and real understanding is the psycho spiritual cure. It is the metaphysical level that must be understood. We cannot 'cure' a metaphysical illness by physical means.

Harper Valley 7

August 2006.

People at various locations around town state that “Homewood staff had no respect for her at all; even old ladies have got themselves involved in this. They said that when they all got together to talk about her, they were really talking about something else and that it really had nothing to do with her at all.”

“So they decided she was just egotistical and had a little ‘fun’ messing with her head.”
It is repeated often at me lately, “She only has until September.” Until what, I wonder? To work for Comcare at all? To stay with my last client there? To remain free of Homewood’s ‘help’? Or CMHC’s ‘help’?
(Some have now been said to have assessed me as ‘obsessing,’ and others as justifying my forced drugging to come as ‘preventive.’) Or is it something else for which I only have until September? Perhaps to have a place to live if the eviction rumor is true. Or perhaps it is to finally get a single response from anyone at all involved in all of this, after only thirteen years or so.

July 31st, 2006
Dale M. Homewood Dietary service is seen sitting with the same group of retired men at the mall who have been assessing me, the situation and my mental health like entertainment for many years now. Apparently a ‘he’ somewhere around Homewood claims that Dale’ s routine , his ‘game’ has nothing to do with any of these community (or mob) ‘effects’ on me.
A strange man (and I mean that both ways) who is a patron at the library tells the man who is with him that he just wants to grab me and hug me.

There is now more street talk about being trapped in a paradox which is kept going by all of the people who have joined in. Some wonder what it would be like to ‘be that smart and not have a job.” (I have a job and had a very busy one before I got ‘helped’; I just don’t get any work. I have also heard rumors that even some who have requested me specifically have had the offer turned down by the office who has claimed they did not know ‘how to reach me or when I was at home.’ Of course any or all of these publicly acted out stories may, or may not be strictly true, either in part or in whole. Since I am NEVER communicated with directly about any of it, I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of the information with any certainty. In any case, I suspect there is SOME truth to it since I can now not get my phone calls returned by the office. it has happened several times at my bank too but then I often hear the content of the request for the phone call being discussed by bank tellers or sometimes even bus drivers. These are diagnosed as my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.’)

The one who was my ‘doctor’ at the hospital is once again identified publicly. My financial situation is announced on the buses and one day over GTC radio (a constant source of nformation) an estimate was given about how much money they estimated I had spent shopping that day. The guess was about twenty dollars and it was quite close. In 95 I used to hear about what furniture and belongings I had inside my apartment as noted by those who were inside it while I was not home. Some of that was also announced over GTC radio at the time by those involved then, many of whom are no longer driving buses.

The one I identified as ‘Skinny Minnie’ saw me on the bus this week and decided to give me a little saccharine smile. She must have heard something from on one of her gossip contacts. This is a frequent ploy by those who have been mouthing off in hateful or ridiculing ways for years when they find out something about their judgments are wrong. They like to delude themselves that I have not seen them, or understood them before when they were screwing up their hateful faces at me and offering their opinions on me to anyone who cared to listen. Often these same people have done that while three or four feet away from me. I did not smile back at her. No doubt another round of my anti social personality assessment will take place or another on my lack of ‘friendliness.’ Another I know was gossiping about me with one of the newer female bus drivers (another glarer) about coping with my presence on the street where she was going to have to walk past me.

I have also heard the woman Homewood is using as the ‘subject’ of this fascinating case is claimed by them not to even live here any more. I wonder if that is done in a feeble attempt to protect themselves or me or both. In any case, whatever the motivation it does not work and cannot work as the whole city and well beyond has always know at least two versions or me of the story of me. That is how the creation of chaos goes. The only effect denial or adding new misdirection will have will be to make it worse. Those who did not know I had been driven into psychosis will know now, and a whole new round of fear and horror will follow.

Those who did know it was me will be appalled by hearing of even more of Homewood’s lying about it all. The nurse;’ game scenario creates a lose/lose/lose situation and the only way our of it is to return to the beginning of it, face it and deal with the reality of it and that is going to mean that someone besides the victim/scapegoat is going to have to accept the much feared ‘blame.’ All of this is the ripple effect or ‘chain reaction’ as it is demonstrated within the nurse’s game plan and is predictable. It is also not expected to be possible to resolve this problem. The chaos creates a non linear problem. The fact is, it IS possible but those who try to avoid blame at all costs are going to have to get past the pathetic need to do so, step up to the plate, get on the ball and take a new hit. (not too metaphorical for you is it?)

August 2006

Beth H. peers at me from under her brows and offers a wary ‘hi’ as though looking at a Martian perhaps (the ‘from under the brows peer has been done at me quite often by others also, (e.g. Jerry from the reception desk of the downtown Community Health Centre)
The shoe guy has been ‘interviewed’ by someone one of the ‘hes’ is just ‘sick about it.’ Another ‘he’ or perhaps the same ‘he,’ is asked, “How long until you meet Pat?” (Laughs)
CMHC is said to have suggested that I get hauled in for another ‘assessment’ as I have not been there for about six years. (don’t be surprised if I am the next person who gets wrestled to the floor of General emergency department because of my ‘resistance’ to the ‘help.’)
A woman who is a stranger to me says that I, “just have no respect for my parents” (my mother has told me that I am “insulting and disrespectful to my parents” as I have accused my father “falsely” of lying an manipulating ) so “now”, I don’t have THEM either. (Then she ‘harrumphs’ at me.) Say, I know, perhaps Elaine, the Tim Horton’s Apollo Eleven and Zeller’s waitress could get together with her and the bus drivers to support that theory again. Elaine is quite certain she knows ‘just who’s fault that is.”
It has also been suggested apparently, according to the street assessment, that I should be drugged by force as a ‘preventive’ measure. After all, if I went ‘mad’ once for no reason at all that anyone else could see, (can’t you just visualize Dale smirking at the alternate meaning of that Zen like cutie?) then it’s bound happen again according to the experts at Homewood.

A woman on a cell phone says, “The problem is that we do not include ourselves in all of the talking about her.”

Outside my window one night a male voice says, “This is where Pat lives isn’t it?” (I again wonder who that is, as I have many times, and which version of my supposed ‘reality’ THIS one is accepting.
Scottish Rose was on the bus telling “Bangs” about the latest rumors. Apparently her son says that people are yapping all the time and at this she makes a hand action of a flapping mouth. I am struck again by the non stop irony in all of this. Later, the tall head shaver is on the bus again. He is with me a great deal of the time. (He often gets off near Victoria and Speedvale) I have seen this same guy in the past with ‘Intrepid” , and many times also with others involved in this in one way or another, such as Beth R. who has done a rotation at Homewood.

The day after this time, head shaver is getting the latest from “Bangs” on the bus. The shoe guy and ticket seller at Old Quebec St. discuss what a ‘he’ says about all the gossip. The woman ticket seller defends it saying, “Well, everybody knows everyone else here so you can’t get away from THAT.” The thing is they DON’T “know” me and they don’t know everybody else either. Many who ‘assess; me don’t know me when I am sitting beside them listening to all their judgments. What they “know” is their own stories which they tell ABOUT people, many of which they make up themselves. So it goes and goes and goes. They are still trying not to ‘blame’ ANYONE. Of course, they mean THEMSELVES, as a group. It seems if one person acted out like this it would be bad behavior but, since thousands of people have done it THAT is when “no one can be blamed.” This is analyzed as an effect of the Dale’s training paradigm as a matter of fact.

Anyway, from here I am going to spend some time just talking about my experience with the whole city in more general terms for the most part. I will only name people if it is some significant happening, new or old, to make a point by connecting it to real concrete details which will take the tendency to deny it all away from the people involved in it. I want the population of my own city in particular, as well as other cities all over the world who are doing this to people in the name of ‘good’ or ‘help’ , to see, hear, and feel what it’s like to be the target of these community assaults, which are then DENIED and reinvented as the complainant’s ‘madness.’

I believe that unless people are SHOWN (and YES you public judges I AM ‘going to show him’) the concrete specific details and shown to THEMSELVES, they will keep right on behaving the same way, in this group insanity, making NO connection at all between their OWN acting out and the targeted person’s stating of the perfectly obvious. THAT’S the problem. When stating the obvious is heard as ‘madness,’ what can anyone say AFTER that which will cause the truth to be heard by those who simply don’t WANT to hear it?

As it was said in Dales’ training, ‘You (will) fail to see what is right in front of you.”

The "Magic' Circle of Dysfunction

Awhile back (many times in fact over the years since 1996 and for decades before that) I told my father I wanted one thing; to resolve the problem relationship with him and also with my mother. So, I told him way back then, “Forget every other incident I ever complained about in relation to your manipulation and interference in my life and let’s just focus on this last one right here and right now. If you admit what you did, admit it was wrong to do it, and apologize for it, agreeing never to do things like this again, I will forgive you. ‘
He has no interest in ‘forgiveness.' He has no interest in truth. He has no interest in the effects on others of what he does. He simply ignores anything that I say about myself and my experience with him or anyone else. If he doesn’t want to deal with it or admit it, he ignores it or plays circular mind games with everyone. He also gives other alternative versions of the same reality, 'covertly’ of course, as always.

This is not rocket science.
I have told him that I have gone public with this. I have suggested that he tell the rest of the family the truth. He has no doubt told them he has no idea what I am talking about, that he is completely mystified by my supposedly false accusations about his covert interference and story telling. Mystified officer/doctor. Just completely mystified.

Everyone is just completely mystified. I live in a mystified and mystifying community. Hell, the whole planet is completely mystified by virtually all truth they do not want to know or deal with.
In any case, after ten more years of his manipulations and story telling, I am no longer interested in hearing from him. I have told him so in my last brief letter to him. It was very clear.
I have told them I was willing to talk to my mother, on her own, not with him acting as her "interpreter.' I have said for some time that if she chooses to write, or even phone, on her own and identifies herself, I will talk to her, but I will not talk to him, until or unless he admits the truth and apologizes for it. I have told her in writing several years ago that if it upsets her to talk about my father on the phone that we could leave him right out of the conversations and relate one to one only. I have told him that I will accept information on my mother from my younger sister but she has made it clear that she will not talk anymore unless I am willing to give up MY false accusations’ about my father. So that door is closed and she closed it. She closed it right after I asked her if the rumour I had heard about HER was true, that she gave someone who was coming down to Homewood in 96 my picture to see if they could identify me as the woman everyone was talking about. She did not answer and has not said a word since.

My elder sister has told me to f-off and never bother her again since I am ‘pretending’ to be my father’s victim, and ‘whining’ about my boundaries being violated, again. She has even defended ‘poor Dale’ like the automaton that she is. She, like My team of psychiatrists, just KNOWS, as she always just knows, that what I say happened could not have happened and just as I 'claimed" she was treating me badly as a little child, now I am picking on "poor Dale, the unreasonable." ‘Reason’ of course, has nothing to do with any of it.

So, I have stopped all ‘whining’ as my truth is defined by them. Of course, I am not actually supposed to just STOP. I am supposed to be manipulated by the isolation tactics to pretend to be, who they want me to be, and to agree to be ‘sick’ for them and ‘admit’ that ‘really’ my father does not do what I say and that he is just as innocent as the day is long (as THEY want and desperately need to believe) and that it was just my ‘madness’ talking when I accused him ‘falsely’ just as it was my ‘madness’ talking when I accused ‘poor Dale falsely’ of running me through his routine; the same routine in fact, by it’s more formal name.

Oh the poor ‘falsely accused! I don’t know why they would even want to put up with me, do you? Well, actually I do know. This is ‘the game.’ In the game, I must pretend that I do NOT know what I DO know so that I will be acceptable to those who live by playing “the game.”

I am not interested in being acceptable to them; as shocking as that may be to all of you 'normal' people. The fact that I am not interested in being acceptable to them, on their terms, is unacceptable to them. Oh look, it's another Pi.
So the game is played even harder, and they will keep right on playing it until they draw their last breath. I am not playing it. They will not accept that I am not playing it without forcing me out of the group. So I have ACCEPTED being forced out of the group. Accepting being forced out of the group is not acceptable to them.
I told my father I have accepted being forced out of the group as that is their decision. I accept their decision. I have also told him that I will NOT accept his attempts to act as my ‘interpreter’ for others, that since he lies, and then lies about lying, I will not accept any of his ‘interpretations' about others, which he gives to me for the same reason. I know for a fact, that he has done the same thing to my mother that he has done to me, and has done it to others as well. HE is the problem. He is NOT the solution. I no longer can trust anything he says, and I am no longer interested in wasting any more of what is left of my life trying to sort out which of the things he says are reality, and which are manipulations designed to gain power and control over everybody else.
So I told him in my last letter, either he admits the truth and apologizes for it or, he and I are done on this earth. He sticks to his story.

Tell us all something Dr. Brian F. and all the 'hes' who are so very 'concerned'; about me but are keeping it a 'secret', is dear old dad being accused "falsely"? He is certain, just like Dale is certain, it can never be proved by me, as those he involved will do what they always do. After all, would a psychiatrist admit the truth if he thought it was gonig to cost HIM something? I think we can all see the answer to that in my own fascinating case now can't we? Hey I have an idea. Why don't you demonstrate the double bind for everyone now? You could ask me why I think I need my family (if I keep trying to resolve) and also why I don't keep trying to resolve (if I have given that up as a lost cause) Remember, the key to being always right and never wrong (as the pro. asshole would say) is to make me always wrong and never right. That is how the circle of 'unreasonableness" is kept going! That is of course, how one goes for power apart from 'enlightenment.'You know: "OR"

I have heard recently that one of the ‘hes’ here is ‘quite concerned that I have not visited my family.’ Is that an abstraction on ‘families’ that you are now projecting onto me, as yet another ‘symptom’ of the ‘disease’ I must have, that will get everyone else off that effing hook? Let me respond to that. Perhaps a bus driver can pass this through the gossip mongering grapevine for you.

It is none of your damned business. If you actually knew me I might choose to tell you more about this but, since you prefer to ‘assess’ my reality for me, from a safe distance away, and since genuine direct communication is a foreign concept to you, and you prefer to evaluate me though the combination of group consensus and ‘authority’, I repeat, it is none of your damned business. It is also not the business of all those idiots employed by Homewood, their friends, co-workers, neighbours, or the gossiping old women on the buses, groups of retired men at the mall, food court table wipers, employees of nursing homes, or other hospitals, or cops, or landlords, or city employees or anyone else.

Perhaps if you taught the concept of respect for boundaries instead of focusing on those who have the unmitigated gall to COMPLAIN about having their boundaries violated all the time, you might actually solve some of the world’s mental health problems. At least it would be a start.

Now, let me share with you the ‘fascinating’ response from my father. It is a real jaw dropper.
First, he simply ignores everything I have said. That is standard procedure of course. Next, I get another little story. Here is the next ‘communication’ from father, which quite frankly, fits in quite nicely with his life long behavior pattern.

He is acting as my mother’s permanent ‘interpreter’ now.
He wants me to know that my mother does not respond to anyone; not by card, or letter, or phone calls, talking one to one. He says ‘her memory is 90% gone.’ She does not know what is going on, nor what she has said, five minutes after it happens, he says.
He THEN says, he is sending me a belated birthday cheque but I am ‘not to mention it to your mother.’ He adds,’ she is very confused most of the time.’

Every time I hear my father instruct me, or anyone else, to keep a ‘secret’ from someone else, especially if it is someone he has just ‘interpreted’ for others, it waves a red flag to me. When it isn’t reasonable, it often means he has several ‘versions’ of the same basic ‘reality’ going at the same time.
Now, this really isn’t too difficult to understand is it?

This incident:
If she will not talk to anyone, not even on the phone, how would I talk to her?
If her memory is ‘90% gone,’ why does she still live alone with him in an apartment?
Why do I need to keep a birthday cheque a big 'secret', whether she has a good memory or not? (He also said it was from both of them) But also, why do I need to keep it a ‘secret’ if she doesn’t remember anything, anyway? I can think of many more questions on this but I will leave it at that for the moment.

In this case, I would guess that the versions of reality he has going are likely either about me, or her, or perhaps both. He also frequently instructs others to keep the conversation with him, about others, to themselves as the person he is talking about has made that request themselves. Usually, they don’t even know his version of reality exists, and have never made any such request of him.
It is part of the ploys used to keep his versions of reality going in order to gain control and to do that, he also has to keep the people he involves separate, and co-operating with his agenda. (they are 'good' compliant people, the kind most psychiatrists really like) Perhaps in this case, he also is ‘secretly' interpreting me or my mother or both of us for my two sisters. There are a number of possible combinations of manipulation here, as always. My sisters are also no doubt instructed, to keep some versions of reality a ‘secret’ from me and from my mother, should we ever have occasion to speak again. (got to cover all the bases you know)

My mother probably IS confused. She has long standing heart problems which could cause that, but I also think it is possible, even likely, that a lot of her ‘confusion’ is not physiological in origin at all, but rather the result (effect) of living with someone who deals in confusion and manipulation as a means of control and who has made it a way of life. Frankly, I am surprised he has not driven her into a psychosis long before now. (OH my Gawd! Did you hear that? What a horrible thing for me to say about "fathers", that abstract entity in absolute terms which can never be blamed for anything! Ain't I just awful!)
I suspect she has come close to breakdown herself before in her life. There is evidence to support that. It may be lucky that there are so few psychiatrists where she lives as had they listened to her problems, for ten or eleven minutes, it is likely she would have been labeled by them and what he couldn’t accomplish alone, he would have had validated for him by ‘experts.’ Looking back now on my life in that family, I now understand a whole lot more about what was going on than I did at the time it was happening. It was part of my Aha! moment after seeing it in relation to my own experience with "poor" Dale and my father, in my more recent history.

Of course, if I suggested to anyone else in the family that my mother’s confusion and emotional reactions may well have more to do with HIM than her heart problems, they would never believe that for a minute. In fact, I would most likely be attacked again for even suggesting the possibility. For many others, my immediate family members included, see him as the patient, calm long suffering hero, putting up with his near hysterical wife and his now crazy daughter, both of us ‘whining’ about basically nothing, just to ‘seek attention.’

My elder sister believes that my mother and I are very much alike. She also holds her father in very high esteem, bordering on a near infantile hero worship in my own opinion.
In fact, in her late forties, which I think may have been the last time I actually saw her, she once told me that it was something my mother said that persuaded her to treat me the way she did in childhood. My mother had apparently suggested to her, after a long ‘teasing’ session by the group, that maybe she should not do that to me so much as I was sensitive like her.’ (mother)

My sister told me she said to herself, “Oh, she is like YOU is she? Well, then, we will just see about that!” So, one of the reasons she targeted me in early childhood for mocking and teasing and getting my younger sister to join in , was that I was “like my mother.” She was angry at the way my mother treated HER you see. It was also, according to her, the fact that I was a quiet and introspective child. Apparently, if one is quiet it equates in the aggressor type mind as ‘weak’ and/or ‘stupid.’ Which means that bullying and making a lot of noise must be equated to them with strength and high intelligence doesn’t it? She was telling me, that she told someone else about it, and that she had said to him, about me, 'Naturally, we just went after her!' She said this while smiling broadly as she remembered it all.

When my sister, in her FORTIES, told me the reason I was her target, I looked shocked, but she didn’t actually see that, as at the time, her eyes were glowing with the remembrance of the power she felt, rolled upward checking her memories, the inevitable little smirk on her face. I was horrified to see it again, and more horrified to realize that even in her forties, she still enjoyed the idea of using an innocent child as a surrogate for her twisted acting out. You see though, if a surrogate is used it does two things for her. It gives her the emotional satisfaction she needs by acting it out AND she maintains a relationship with her mother based upon appearances. When she does that, she really doesn’t have to solve anything, so there is no danger of being totally rejected for trying to do it, is there? It is much like the 'satisfaction'' of Dale's routine. The 'satisfaction guaranteed in the 'snuff fantasy' as it was called by Fenwick.

I have seen the same kind of eye glow and the knowing smirks on the faces of all the Homewood staff who were involved, as well as all the people in public they involved in this little game from hell, only when Dale did it, planned in advance in order to achieve a specific outcome, it became the ‘game’ on a much grander scale. Covered the whole city with it and and even beyond that. (Of course, that's just my big ol' paranoid delusions talking isn't it?)

Nevertheless, my report of it became much the same thing. I was judged to be the one with the ‘perception/reaction’ problem, not any of them. In fact, they are all mystified and innocent about the whole thing and about my ‘whining’ about something that never even happened in the first place, officer/doctor…honest! Would all these high minded, classy, superior people be lying, and only I telling the truth? Clearly, I must be ‘seeking fame.’ (The psychiatrized version of the dysfunctional families’ ‘just seeking attention’)

Back to the family:
As much as I would have liked to be able to talk my mother into actually seeing me as I am, I couldn’t do it. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t) listen to what I had to say. She refused many times. I could not say anything suggesting my father was manipulative, not even a hint of that. Now, it’s too late. I knew though that this day would come and I accepted it before it did. I had to.
It is ridiculous to tell someone she must keep a cheque for forty dollars for a birthday a ‘secret’ from someone who is claimed to have a ninety per cent memory loss and no short term memory. But maybe it is not as ridiculous as it appears on the surface if you understand that this person lives for hidden agendas. I would ask, ‘Why, what’s the ‘game’ now’? Is he afraid that I might tell her something about him that she may believe? Is he afraid that she may tell me something about him that I may believe? If she ‘responds to no one, not even on the phone,’ when would I ‘tell her’’ anything? What is so dangerous about this simple fact in the first place?

Take my advice; don’t look for reason here for this is only how my father relates. It is his game and in this game, I can never be sure of any of his answers, not even about my own life if he was in some way involved in it, so it is a ‘game’ I just don’t play anymore. There is no point to it other than for him to attempt to control everyone else’s idea of ‘reality.’

If I tell people he told me not to tell my mother about the cheque, he may say there WAS no cheque, or perhaps that he NEVER told me not to say anything. His face would display the usual ‘flat affect’ as he did it. Much like Dales’ face is kept on ‘zombie’ status. It is a simple game really; easy as Pi. Both Dale and my father are ‘always right’ so external reality is altered to accommodate their ‘perfection.’

My father and I are done. I do not accept his directions or his ‘interpretations’. I can never be sure which version is the real one, if any, so I have stopped looking or caring.
You see, all you judges and evaluators ‘out there, in the world of reality’ the power obtained by using the metaphysics of Dale’s ‘training’ and my father’s power are very much the same thing. In fact, it is pretty much the same thing no matter, WHO is using it or what they are calling ‘IT.’

Both Dale and my father know what they did. I know what they did. They know that I know It. If they can keep the groups they involve from understanding it though, they can both keep their hidden agendas ‘hidden’, at least from all of you. It is about domination. It’s about communication. It’s about ‘enlightenment.’ And It’s all ‘a matter of perspective’ and seeing the point that YOU believe is the start of the action. In other words, you can’t see It if you are judging it from a faulty premise. It's about the chaos that gets created when you creat a non linear event.

A few points to ponder from the world of chaos theory:

From Chaos: Making a New Science
(Dynamic systems)
By James Gleick

Edward Lorenz on weather predictions:
‘Given a particular starting point the weather would unfold exactly the same way each time. Given a slightly different starting point, the weather should unfold in a slightly different way.’

(Which is also what is demonstrated in the Circle of Ten Theorem) If you do not know the actual starting point, then the results appear to be unconnected and random, even though behind the outcome there lays a PREDICTABLE, discernible order)

‘The Butterfly Effect (basically two loops conjoined at a nexus point) acquired a technical name: 'sensitive dependence upon initial conditions.’

(What might be described in Dale’s jargon as the point where you see the start of the action.)

“In science, as in life, it is well known that one can have a point of crisis that can magnify small changes. But, chaos meant that such points were everywhere. They were pervasive.’

(One might ay the MORE people who get involved in a chaotic situation, the greater the effects, especially if the effects are aimed at a particular target.)

‘Linear equations are solvable which makes them suitable for textbooks. Non linear systems generally cannot be solved and cannot be added together.”

(Dale’s training pointed out the non linear aspect of the metaphysical reality of It which transcends space/time itself: like the ‘schizophrenic’ effect: one cannot solve the puzzle nor put it together in a way that makes any sense, unless you are aware of the starting point and then become aware of what everyone else involved believes they are doing while they try as hard as they can to make sure that you cannot do that.)

“…because this is a system with a sensitive dependence upon initial conditions, before long the signal disappears (what we might call the ‘source’ in Dale’s jargon or the actual starting point) and all that remains is noise.’

(what we might also call entropy, white noise or chaos. What it means depends upon the premise used to which the abstract information is connected. If that is not known, it is all open to individual ‘interpretation.’ This was demonstrated in the training exercise which Dale took. He observed the group projecting their own’ interpretations’ of the abstract nexus language of the training into it’s meaning, which was different for everyone. So that is what he asked for from them once he got the abstract idea of who I might be or what I might mean, going. I think you will find he spent much time asking others for their opinions about me. That was how he created non linear meaning which creates chaos.)

‘…dynamical systems went back to Henri Poincare who saw them as two sides of one coin.’

(This is also how I understand dysfunctional relationship systems, like the never ending and ongoing ‘noise’ which is still being generated by the public’s involvement in my fascinating ‘case.’ I believe for example that someone, somewhere, is asking questions of some people based on my input, even though not one person talks directly to me, because right after I say something here, I get the disdainful treatment from members of the public who apparently feel compelled to tell others, who will then give THEM sympathy for being asked. That is also apparently another of MY many faults. ) Those who are asked cannot see byond the fact that I have asked the police to help me. They think this is about THEM, as individuals, and do not see they are only parts of the big picture. They see no 'big picture.'

Take this statement to heart. If you really want to prevent blood baths, small or large, STOP talking about ‘preventive’ drugging and imaginary diseases in order to justify treating human beings like animals. Start promoting community responsibility, including the teaching and acceptance of APPROPRIATE blaming, based on boundary violation only. Stop the community witch hunts. It must be a principle for ALL; not based on relationship positions, titles, (daddies don’t DO such things) status, bank balances, professions, etc. Stop looking for biological reactions, neatly contained in one person and start focusing on all too human, (biological in a sense) and common, causes. If you want to hunt for ‘mental illness’ (meaning pertaining to thought) turn your community madness detectors inward. There you will be sure to find all the human madness you could ever hope to cure.
I blame Dale for what he did. I have evidence that he did it. I blame those who suppressed that evidence to take care of their own interests. They are to blame. They SHOULD be blamed. I blame those who refused to listen to me when I told them what he was doing and what was happening. I hold them accountable for their own arrogance. I do NOT accept responsibility for other people's thinking and behaviour. I hand the responsibility for that back to them where it belongs. I consider them to be my equals whether they like it or not.

I blame both Dale and my father for their own twisted thinking and behaviour and for their sad need to 'level' others so they can feel better about themselves, without ever being wrong about anything.

I blame all of those who have joined in the community abuse for no other reason than the were presented with an 'opportunity' to do so.
I blame psychiatry for believing they are 'finished,' defined as 'reaching the point where all further search stops." That point is often reached ten or fifteen minutes after the identified patient says, "how do you do" to a psychiatrist.
I blame all of you who continue to deny the whole event and I also blame all of you who know it is true, but have kept your mouths shut about it, just the same, to save yourselves and remain popular. I blame you because you should be blamed and you should be ashamed of yourselves also.
I blame you because you lie to the world and teach them that blame, as an abstract concept in absolute terms, is wrong. Blame means "to hold accountable." Stop teaching the world it is wrong to cry, and feel sad, and start insisting having emotions, be validated as legitimate and meaningful. People who cry and feel sad and angry about injustice are LESS likely to 'switch positions' and act out their own abuse on another generation of helpless children. People who feel guilty and sad over what they have done to others are MORE likely to stop doing it.

Stop needing the whole world to smile while the horrors of hell rage on around us. It is psychiatry that has gone stark raving mad. It's not a happy pill you need. It's a reality check.

My protagonist is guilty as charged, of doing exactly what I TOLD you he was doing.
You determine the degree of that guilt by looking for concrete evidence of his DIRECTION of others to gain their co-operation with his 'hidden' agenda of domination. It is STILL hidden to THEM, but has not been 'hidden' to me since long before the community assault (which is ongoing by the way) caused my breakdown under pressure.
When you get evidence, you will have a better idea how much of this was 'recreated' by the idiot who has deluded himself that he can treat life like a 'joke' or a game' or a movie, which HE can 'totally control.'

In THIS case, Dale is the 'Source'. he 'observes the action between the two sides' and sees everyone's fear. He dominates everyone by manipulating BOTH his target and the group which assaults his target at HIS direction. He gets to 'see my fear ' as I am posychologically/verbally assaulted, for no reason (get it?) by a mob who cannot be ignored or stopped. AND
he sees the mob's fear as he leads them to believe I am 'crazy' and dnagerous, so they will help HIM.
It is a sort of group, hysteria reaction formation, which gives him the 'satisfaction' of feeling powerful as he controls everyone's perception of 'reality.'
The fact is, he DOESN'T understand the whole thing. If he did, he would not have kept going KNOWING that he could get caught in his own trap for doing so.

It is even possible that he does nnot know what he is doing at ALL, and is just reacting to his programming like the stimulus response machine that his 'secret' training tells him that he is.
You find out exactly WHO he is and WHAT he knows with a concrete investigation, focused on his DIRECTION of others and his attempts to keep 'IT' going.

Pay attention:
Those who eagerly promote the idea that 'no one must be blamed' or 'we can't blame others' in absolute terms, are generally taking care of their OWN interests. It has now become so common though that even the victims will repeat it back as if it were logical. It is repeated back like automatons mouthing the platitudes of their own 'training.'
ALL domination types take care of their own interests as their top priority. That is their common starting point and their end goal. Everything in between is said, or done, with the protection of their
power and control over others in mind.

Power is their addiction and the psychology of invalidation, used on those who threaten to get in the way of their 'fix', is the means used to protect It.


If you focus both eyes on the dot in the centre, the two circles will appear to rotate.


It's all about the 'magic' circle. Once we break this circle, we have the chance to escape from it and get into the other circle, the circle of life, over death.

Personal Pick Book List

Which Have Validated My Own Personal Experience Within the Mental Illness System

By Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D.(P)

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, PhD.
This book spells out the concrete experience of many of us who get labelled in many different ways for talking about what ACTUALLY has happened to us in concrete reality. I especially identified with the chapter titled “Tools of the Trade” (Chapter 4)
I think that many of you will see your own experiences in the metaphysical concepts of the group experience there.
This is the sort of thing I believe we experience on a collective level and I also think it goes back centuries. The difference in outcome often seems to be directly related to whether or not we get a mental health professional (usually a psychologist) requested by us or not, who takes us seriously and believes us or we get a psychiatrist who believes he hears ‘symptoms’ instead of the reality of our experience. This psychologist sees and hears what many others cannot.

A Social History of Madness: The World Through the Eyes of the Insane
By Roy Porter
If you read this one, what will likely strike you is the fact that we have been telling them this for literally hundreds of years and it has NEVER penetrated the minds of the psychiatrists as truth. If you want to hear your own experience with them validated, read this one.

Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health
by William Glasser, M.D.

Though I actually don't agree with all of Glasser's ideas (for example he dismisses the psychospiritual approach as irrelevent) I do think this book is worth reading for his discussion on the mental illness system and to hear what he has to say about his OWN experience. The other thing that bothers me about this is something I see quite frequently which is the suggestion that labelled people should NOT be included in this point of view so that they have no representation as themselves and others continue to 'interpret' them according to their own perceptions. I believe it is these labelled people (like myself) who should be the FIRST ones to be included in any discussions about ''us,'' not the ones excluded. I believe this commonly accepted exclusion as a norm is a major part of most labelled people's problems in the first place. It is still reductionistic no matter how well intentioned anyone is while doing it.

''In The Sleep Room: The Story Of The C.I.A. Brainwashing Experiments In Canada" by Anne Collins

September 2006
More reasons why I believe in the reality of the collective unconscious which when we are ‘altered’ is the collective consciousness to ‘us.’ If you want to see the same elements of your own experience, often including the concrete details within that experience, read: The Holotropic Mind: (The three levels of Human Consciousness) By Stanislav Grof, M.D.

Entangled Minds: Extrasensory Experiences in a Quantum Reality
By Dean Radin, 2006 publication

Your connection to others may not be as 'crazy' as you have been led to believe it is!

Mind Control
By Peter Schrag
Published in 1978, it reveals the use of government agencies (like public housing for example) involved by the Psychiatric Faith in the notion of watching for abstract signs and symbols of ''mental illness,'' apart from concrete facts, in those who come to them as clients, even those without psychiatric labels. Reads like a present day account of the machinations of the mental illness system.
As always, the ''defective'' under growing public scrutiny, is all but left out of the equation as anything other than an ''object'' of observation.

The Disappearance of God: a Divine Mystery
By Richard Elliott Friedman:
It is not quote what you may first think. It needs to be read to be appreciated.

Final Analysis: The Making and Unmaking of A Psychoanalyst and Also , The Assault On Truth: Freud's Suppresion of the Seduction Theory By Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

Mad In America: Bad Science, Bad Medicine, and the enduring mistreatment of the mentally ill

By Robert Whitaker: Highly Recommended to the Psychiatrized, as well as to the "normal" people who have convinced themselves they are not at risk of being "helped" like we are, and especially to any psychiatrists or bio-ethicists left in the world who still care about REAL ethics and integrity rather than just giving lipservice to it: This gives you a view of the history of psychiatry and opens the door to the ''secret'' side of treatment; psychiatry's knowledge, understanding, and attitudes. It lets those who have not YET shared the experience of being a ''patient'' get a closer look at the reality from the "non compliant, resistant" patient perpective. If you really WANT to know why we ''nuts'' don't want to take these drugs, nor get this brand of "help" open your minds and read carefully.

A suggestion for you as you read this book by someone who is NOT "just seeking attention/fame": Read the treatments given to mental patients. Then, replace the words like "mental patient, schizophrenic, disorder, subject, case," etc with the words "human being."

Now read the same acount again. Is there a difference between how YOU perceive the same reality when you do? Are you shocked to discover that what you perceived as ''good'' or even acceptable treatment for others, now seems like torture or abuse? Ask yourself an important question. Why didn't you see that in the first place?

And They Call It Help: Psychiatric Policing Of America's Children
By Louise Armstrong

Highly recommended.; for labelled people, family members who really care about the reality of the situation, friends, the system mavericks and to all the police officers who are now being required by the law to wrestle us to the ground and place us under psychiatric arrest. It speaks directly to me of my own experience and perception of it as an adult brought into the system, validates my own reality, tells it like it really is, and demonstrates (by a non labelled person) the confusion we all feel when getting the kind of ''help'' that does not help anyone.

The work of R. D. Laing, M.D.
Hard to find, but look around second hand book stores and libraries.
"The Voice Of Experience, Sanity Madness and the Family,
The Divided Self, The Politics of Experience, The Families of Schizophrenics, Self and Others, etc"

The work of Alice Miller;
an ex psychoanalyst: "For Your Own Good", Thou Shalt Not be Aware,
The Drama of the Gifted Child, The Truth Will Set You Free" etc.

Peter Breggin, M.D.
Toxic Psychiatry, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, " etc.

The Power To Harm: mind, medicine, and murder on trial
By John Cornwell
Despite the obvious, judgement remained focused on blaming either the patient, or the drug, and was NOT seen as a group event exacerbated by the denial of the reality of it's whole. A good example of the absence of the patient's perspective.

The Peter Pyramid
By Laurence J. Peter
Showing Group Structures

John Bradshaw :
Series of books regarding the dynamic of group dysfunction:On The Family etc. Though he later backed off from this, stating he now believed it was more complicated than he previously thought, I believe it is actually less complicated, and that many well meaning people are stopped by the fear of upsetting others and risking being rejected by their families. Many families fear being blamed for things, more than getting past some of our group errors. Very legitimate fears as these things happen all the time.

Melody Beatty on Co-Dependency:
Co-Dependent No More


The works of M.Scott Peck, M.D.
The Road Less Travelled etc.
Especially the Title: People of the Lie

Al Siebert, PhD.: A Schizophrenia Breakthrough
can be ordered at his Website www.successfulschizophrenia.com


The Work of Thomas Szasz, M.D.
Insanity: The Idea And It's Consequences.
The Myth of Mental Illness
Schizophrenia: The Sacred Symbol of Psychiatry etc.

The Family Unconscious by E. Bruce Taub-Bynum

Battle For The Mind by William Sargant, M.D.
Though this also may be difficult to find as I read it a very long time ago.

Toward A New Brain
By Stuart Litvak and A. Wayne Senzee

The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander
by Barbara Colorosso

When Bad Things Happen to Good People
by Rabbi Harold Kushner

The Enlightened Mind: An Anthology of Sacred Prose
Edited by Stephen Mitchell
I include this one because it shows that regardless of the period in which our temporal bodies exist, we all understand the same psychospiritual meaning behind things, simply expressed in slightly different ways.

The Rights Revolution
By Michael Ignatieff

They Say You're Crazy
By Paula Caplan

The Family Shadow: Sources of Suicide and Schizophrenia
David K. Reynolds, Norman L. Farberow
University of California Press 1981
ISBN 0-520-04213-1

Madness, Heresy and the Rumor of Angels: The Revolt Against the Mental Health System.
By Seth Farber, Phd.

The Death of Psychiatry by E. Fuller Torrey

I find this one especially interesting since it was much more on target before the Torrey's full conversion to the Psychiatric Faith. It makes an interesting read for comparison. Perhaps we could assess his fascinating case later.

Harper Valley 6

Remember this should all be treated as an 'alleged' newspaper as I admit I have very little concrete proof of much of these rumours and stories. I am just being friendly and socializing like the rest of the population of Guelph, in an attempt to be more normal and acceptable. So, as Dale or his hero might also say, "Don't believe a word I say."

Did my landlord bond with the roof repair guy by telling him that they only reason tenants (like me) need to be notified that the water is going to be turned off is because we “might decide we need to wash our hands or something.”
Did they share a contemptuous little laugh together after that. (Bonding through contempt is so adorable isn’t it? Especially if they can think they are ‘superior” and therefore pulling it off in ‘secret.”)

Is this called ‘leveling’ in psychology as well as in Dales’ ‘secret’ training? It sure does fit with the landlord’s little act that he put on for his friend “Rick,” doesn’t it? (Acting like he made a habit of asking permission for everything. What a hoot! I wonder if "Vasha" cracked up when she heard that one? Did she tell him again, not to trust me?))
Do you think he also is trying to promote his own version of ‘reality’ in ‘secret’ so that he can’t be confronted or challenged? Can he also control perception that way? Is he an est-ee too?

Back all those years, who was it that called Dale at work to tell him what was going on? I have heard that several times over the years. Was it perhaps Marlene M. or Bill K.? (Her father) Was it a bus driver or two perhaps? Did he enlist them to help? Or Did a couple of his co-workers do that? Or was it perhaps Marg, who works in the Manor at Homewood, the sister of Laura S. A great deal of the abuse of me came from that unit from both staff, who don’t actually know me, and from a number of people in the addiction program too.

Remember when I told you way back in years that, that most of the acting out and the ‘jokes’ and laughs seemed to be coming from two man groups there; either the Hamiltons or McKinnon or from the Manor building?
I have heard recently that one of the tenants, or a visitor of one of them, in the house next door is said to have suggested to someone else that she thinks the guy who was squatting down recently, trying to look through my curtains is actually the guy who owns the house next door. Could that be? Maybe we should pump everyone we can for information and see what we can all find out. But remember, don't tell anyone as we must keep everything we are doing all over town a 'secret."

According to an old woman on the bus, a “he” is said to have fallen in love with me from hearing my case. (is that why Vi, the now retired bus driver thinks “those people at Homewood ought to be ashamed of themselves for keeping those two apart like that!) Hmmmm.. I say to myself, I wonder now if that is related to the idea I heard many years ago that Homewood staff was ‘driving a wedge between them.’ That was announced at me way back in 95, before I broke down even.

You see a lot of this is being put together by me from collecting all the information still being acted out for me all over town by all the people who discuss it endlessly amongst themselves. (or as you people call, my hallucinated conversations)
Was that Scottish Rose that asked someone if I am ‘still riding the bus’? I have heard all the speculation about this a lot over the years too. It depends upon which of the many stories is being discussed what the big concern is about that. Sometimes it is that I am ‘dangerous’ and perhaps may ask someone a question they can’t handle or some such thing. Sometimes it is because I am supposed to be ‘rich’ now having married a rich good looking guy who is crazy to be interested in someone like me for a variety or reasons. Sometimes it is because I am assumed to have left town after all of this chaos and threats etcetera. In fact, recently I heard that Homewood told people the woman they are talking about all the time (which of course they aren’t) isn’t me and that that woman, who just happens to have said everything I have, even using the same words, doesn’t even live here anymore! Know what else I heard? I heard that one of the people who used to get e-mail from me liked one of hem so much he made a ‘picture out of it and put it in a frame! Now how’s that for a far out rumor huh?

Isn’t all this gossiping fun? Really though I don’t have the hang of being ‘normal’ like all of you because it isn’t enough to just repeat everything about ME. Really I should be talking about everyone else shouldn’t I? Remember years ago when I asked the Hamilton staff to think about how much damage I could do if I was to choose to behave like them? Of course what I meant by that was that they should all consider what I know about them that they know I know, and also imagine what I know that they don’t know that I know, not to mention all the rumours I heard being spread about everybody while I was in that hospital for six years as a worker and then as a patient for nine days. You’d be amazed what you hear when you become invisible as a human being to those who are sure they are your superiors. It’s like being a fly on the wall.

“It’s the exact opposite’ is being repeated many times again this last week. Many people are again lowering their eyes when they see me (so that I won’t see them) and smirking away to themselves. Do you know how crazy that looks from my point of view? Do you think a lot of the presumed to be normal people really need a-little-something-to-reduce-their-awareness-for them?

Some people at the Library also heard that a ‘he’ is (or was) in love with her.’ (they turn, they look suspiciously, they clearly do not understand why that would be. I mean look at me. Some of them said they just don’t know what to believe. As Mary G. R.N. Homewood was rumoured to have said, according to the acting out of the manor staff, “I don’t know why he would want her anyway. She’s not even that good looking!” Mary G. is also said to have told Joe C. from housekeeping something similar. Joe was apparently wondering what would happen about “him” and I if it was all kept a secret. Mary told him he shouldn’t worry about it as “She will meet someone else.” (aren’t they all so charming and cavalier with other people’s lives, which is really kind of odd since so many of the people involved in this were telling me they couldn’t or wouldn’t help me by speaking up as it may cost THEM something.) It is interesting to hear that other people’s jobs and lives matter so much that they are not moved to tell the truth that the concealment of has cost me my life and employment and a lot more besides. So the message is coming through loud and clear here and that is why I have become the adversary they insisted I was going to be. It was them NOT taking responsibility for what they did that made me feel the way I do today. Ironic isn’t it? Oh yes, did you know that one of the newer bus drivers (who circled the block with Wayne C. and Doug K. to see if I was using a computer) likes to signal Joe C. of Housekeeping at Homewood to let him know that I was on the general Hospital bus at 2pm?

Anyway, as far as “he’ goes (there are several ‘hes’ to choose from her so take your pick) Cheryl F. was of the opinion that he must just like to be manipulated. You remember her? She lived over me at my current address and she and several others watched and reported on me. (Someone had called her you see on her land line to discuss me by name which she repeated as I sat at my kitchen table writing. After that, she reported to someone quite a bit and pretended she wasn’t doing it. THEN, she found out that I knew and she got all awkward when she saw me even though she kept right on talking now warned by someone that I had said in an e-email to the group that I could hear her on the phone there. Once she assured someone that I was in the bathroom and I was, but she was overhead there and I could still hear her of course. Isn’t this fascinating? Anyway, even now, the public consensus is that they really aren’t sure if they should believe all of this ‘he’ business or not. They are confused. (Perhaps they need the staff at Homewood to ‘help’ them too)

Now lately, I gave Tom S. and Patrick M. (partners in crime and/or prevention) my blog address so they can keep up with all the latest news without straining themselves too much. A day or two later, I saw Tom at Coco Latte (nice dye job Tommy!) sharing some laughs with another older man in a suit (probably another lawyer. They are out there in packs at lunch time) The two of them were enjoying some laughs together. I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t the “topic” again but of course. I hesitate to “think” so as it may be perceived by those who have it all together as another sign of my ‘fame seeking.”
Someone said that I must have decided that if I told them often enough for long enough, it would eventually sink in.

Oh yes, I saw Elizabeth S. the social worker involved with the gang at Homewood in the square one evening. I have only seen her a couple of times since she recognized that I was talking to her and the staff there, way back in late 94 or 95. She always looks t=straight ahead with a slightly pained _expression on her face. I have often wondered how she justifies her silence to herself, knowing what she does and also knowing that it was all re-invented as my paranoid delusions and shared the news at the Red Chevron, (as he likely did with Red Chevron member Eddy D.) My ex landlord (who ‘knows all about respect for privacy’) Bill K. is also a member of the Red Chevron. Was he also involved with Suzanne K. and Dale himself? Dale is the “source” in this particular game which has been redefined as MY hallucinated conversations. Is it that “personal responsibility is diminished because of the number of people involved as is shown in the analysis of Dale’s “game”?

Some teen aged boys on the bus think that ‘he’ shouldn’t go anywhere near me since ‘obviously’ if I contemplated suicide I am too ‘unstable.’ (Notice how the focus is always kept on me and MY perception and reactions, and never the group, it’s members, or their boundary violating thinking and behaviour. It is important to note that as it is a consistent aspect of all of this and if you are paying attention; you will notice the same thing in every other psychiatrized person’s case. This is about keeping the attention outside of the group members on some external problem located in one convenient place so that no one ELSE has to ever get caught or (God forbid) “blamed” for anything.

Saw Scraggy today, making her trip to the liquor store and pretending she doesn’t know me. (Amazing. I’m sure you remember her she is the one who did her performance art as a ‘nut’ on the train to Toronto in 95 wearing her props of a fur hat with ear flaps. You know? The report of which got me my fist offer of ‘medication’ from Dr. Deb Elliot who saw me because Dr. Geoff Daniel could not accept what I told him about Dale as ‘real.”) That was after I had told her also what Dale and his co-workers were doing, what it was called, and what effect it was having on me and why. I even told her why I was n danger of being disconnected from concrete reality because of it.

I also saw Beth H. this week out at the mall with a woman she hangs around with these days whose husband used to be a patient at Homewood. The pair of them stopped to get news (or perhaps pass along news or even both) at one of the tables of senior men at the mall who gossip everyday and who have acted out quite a bit of amusement towards me (not to mention my public diagnosis of my ‘mental illness) regarding all the rumors they have collected and passed along. Some of them they likely get from some of the same Homewood staff members and/or their relatives, friends or neighbors, and I have also seen them being informed by Montgomery, who also informed one of my clients on Paisley and is an employee of U. of G. either in maintenance, or security. The same group of men shares much news with Dale M. who worked in Dietary at Homewood during Dale’s assault, and perhaps still does.

I believe that Montgomery may also have shared his gossip with Eddy D. who was also a member of the Red Chevron along with Bill K. , the landlord connected to Dale (?) and Suzanne K. in this circular recreation. Any sign of your getting it yet? Sure are a lot of amazing ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?

Now you must remember that I have collected all of this information about the interconnections of those who claim they have not done a thing, over many years. This is the ‘pattern’ we nuts ‘think’ we see which psychiatrists do NOT see. Let’s look at that judgement from the other point of view shall we? Why do you assume that if I see something you do NOT see, and then there is nothing to see? Is that arrogance talking? Would you admit it if you found out that it was? How about asking yourselves to look at it the other way. (I already asked Dale and the Staff of the Hamiltons something similar) You start with the nexus statement, “She sees something we do not see. “
There are too possible objective judgments there.

1. I am seeing something that is not there.
2. You are failing to see something that IS there.

(or expressed the opposite way)
(I should mention that even though I agree with much included in this link, I do not agree with every word. For example, I do not agree with this person's idea of the meaning of Zen. The Zen-like idea used in the training is not the same thing.The differences are in intention.)

Why don’t you ever consider the latter? Especially considering you think ten or eleven minutes of your time should be enough to slap psychiatric labels on someone. Why would you think that? Why don’t you know there is something wrong with your own attitudes?

Professor P. was at the mall again on the second to last Sunday in July. And has his cell phone with him today. After he saw me out there he used it. Of course I am sure I am just being paranoid if I think these people are frequently reporting Paranoid Patty sightings. Why, isn’t that exactly why I needed to be forced out of my job? Twice?

There has been a series of hang ups on my phone tapes, minus any messages again. (Is that you again Dale? Or someone else just checking….) Perhaps it was my landlord dialing over and over, determined to wait until I answer, which I NEVER do and he has been told that, as well as hearing it in plain language on the tape. Or perhaps it is one of the other ‘normal’ people who can’t, or won’t follow a simple instruction because of their neurotic need to control others.
If this is too difficult for him, I have also pointed out the other options several times; leave a note in my mailbox, under my door, taped to my door, and the previous owner Donna told him the landlord law also. I have asked him many times not to arrive at my door without calling first or just use the phone to state his business since the answering machine (as he knows when he hangs up) is on all the time. I have also told him I do not want him entering my home without my knowledge or consent nor do I want him allowing anyone else to do it. This is only repeating what the landlord/tenant act already stipulates. He continues pretty much to behave the same way, discusses me with other tenants and trades people (which I have also asked him to stop doing) and finds the fault in me for my (guess what?) that’s right ‘perception/reaction problem.

This is universal you know. The one hundred and eighty degree ‘switch’ except some people don’t need to pay anyone to train them to be this way. Does it seem familiar to you?
Has Maggie C. at my bank discussed how scary it all is with the current bank manager?

Tuesday, July 25/06
As I sat at the word processor at the Library, my landlord emerged from the back room and after a ‘personable’ little chat (are you from town here?) with the woman on the front desk, he ‘exited the premises.’ (I just wanted to work a little police jargon into the mix here) About ten to fifteen minutes later, I went to the back room myself and there I found two women engaged in a heads together gossip session sharing some “Pat” stories. Just to confirm that, as I approached one of them said, “That’s her now.” (tee hee hee) ''Apparently, he had wanted to marry her. ''
Though they were about 65ish or so, they were giggling about it like school girls. One of the things I always notice about this groupthink stuff is how regressive it is to everyone involved in the ‘secret’ keeping. (Wait until all the story telling makes me homeless. What a hoot that is going to be huh! Remember now, don’t forget to keep focused on blaming your victim no matter what evidence comes to light, including denying your victim IS a victim and instead having it seen as having my ‘perception/reaction’ problem.

Some teen boys announced that a ‘crooked cop planned it.’ ‘They’ say the story is all over and they STILL won’t admit to it. Apparently, they are all really embarrassed now.’’(Oh. Poor “THEM.” How they must be suffering then. And what are my measly problems compared to how they feel? Am I ever selfish aren’t I? When we should all be focused on how they look. )
Dale M. and the group of seniors are catching up on all the latest at the mall again. The story of my near suicide is once again making the public rounds. I am sure some charming teen will sneer at me soon for it; or perhaps some righteously indignant old person or drunk.

The details that I have written here are a proverbial drop in the bucket of what I have experienced as the target of this. Homewood of course, has much more detail and has had it for many years. They remain silent and filled to the brim with their brand of integrity.

Now, I am going to start talking to all of you like equals telling you how you look and sound to me, and what I think of you for being the way you are, including my observations and assessments of you and all of your mental problems. I have suggested to my fellow psychiatrized that we are going to have to tell those who assess us and judge us according to their own understanding, every nitty, gritty detail of the problem, as if we are talking to small children, because they are too brainwashed by their own belief system to hear the obvious. That post will soon follow and many more like it, and the first one at the very least, will appear on four, out of my five, blogs.

I will also be writing some open world wide web letters to my psychiatrists, my protagonist and his support group, and a number of others as well, telling them the things I would have preferred to tell them a long time ago in private as offered, but which I must tell them now in public and with much more anger than I had then.