Harper Valley 7

August 2006.

People at various locations around town state that “Homewood staff had no respect for her at all; even old ladies have got themselves involved in this. They said that when they all got together to talk about her, they were really talking about something else and that it really had nothing to do with her at all.”

“So they decided she was just egotistical and had a little ‘fun’ messing with her head.”
It is repeated often at me lately, “She only has until September.” Until what, I wonder? To work for Comcare at all? To stay with my last client there? To remain free of Homewood’s ‘help’? Or CMHC’s ‘help’?
(Some have now been said to have assessed me as ‘obsessing,’ and others as justifying my forced drugging to come as ‘preventive.’) Or is it something else for which I only have until September? Perhaps to have a place to live if the eviction rumor is true. Or perhaps it is to finally get a single response from anyone at all involved in all of this, after only thirteen years or so.

July 31st, 2006
Dale M. Homewood Dietary service is seen sitting with the same group of retired men at the mall who have been assessing me, the situation and my mental health like entertainment for many years now. Apparently a ‘he’ somewhere around Homewood claims that Dale’ s routine , his ‘game’ has nothing to do with any of these community (or mob) ‘effects’ on me.
A strange man (and I mean that both ways) who is a patron at the library tells the man who is with him that he just wants to grab me and hug me.

There is now more street talk about being trapped in a paradox which is kept going by all of the people who have joined in. Some wonder what it would be like to ‘be that smart and not have a job.” (I have a job and had a very busy one before I got ‘helped’; I just don’t get any work. I have also heard rumors that even some who have requested me specifically have had the offer turned down by the office who has claimed they did not know ‘how to reach me or when I was at home.’ Of course any or all of these publicly acted out stories may, or may not be strictly true, either in part or in whole. Since I am NEVER communicated with directly about any of it, I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of the information with any certainty. In any case, I suspect there is SOME truth to it since I can now not get my phone calls returned by the office. it has happened several times at my bank too but then I often hear the content of the request for the phone call being discussed by bank tellers or sometimes even bus drivers. These are diagnosed as my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.’)

The one who was my ‘doctor’ at the hospital is once again identified publicly. My financial situation is announced on the buses and one day over GTC radio (a constant source of nformation) an estimate was given about how much money they estimated I had spent shopping that day. The guess was about twenty dollars and it was quite close. In 95 I used to hear about what furniture and belongings I had inside my apartment as noted by those who were inside it while I was not home. Some of that was also announced over GTC radio at the time by those involved then, many of whom are no longer driving buses.

The one I identified as ‘Skinny Minnie’ saw me on the bus this week and decided to give me a little saccharine smile. She must have heard something from on one of her gossip contacts. This is a frequent ploy by those who have been mouthing off in hateful or ridiculing ways for years when they find out something about their judgments are wrong. They like to delude themselves that I have not seen them, or understood them before when they were screwing up their hateful faces at me and offering their opinions on me to anyone who cared to listen. Often these same people have done that while three or four feet away from me. I did not smile back at her. No doubt another round of my anti social personality assessment will take place or another on my lack of ‘friendliness.’ Another I know was gossiping about me with one of the newer female bus drivers (another glarer) about coping with my presence on the street where she was going to have to walk past me.

I have also heard the woman Homewood is using as the ‘subject’ of this fascinating case is claimed by them not to even live here any more. I wonder if that is done in a feeble attempt to protect themselves or me or both. In any case, whatever the motivation it does not work and cannot work as the whole city and well beyond has always know at least two versions or me of the story of me. That is how the creation of chaos goes. The only effect denial or adding new misdirection will have will be to make it worse. Those who did not know I had been driven into psychosis will know now, and a whole new round of fear and horror will follow.

Those who did know it was me will be appalled by hearing of even more of Homewood’s lying about it all. The nurse;’ game scenario creates a lose/lose/lose situation and the only way our of it is to return to the beginning of it, face it and deal with the reality of it and that is going to mean that someone besides the victim/scapegoat is going to have to accept the much feared ‘blame.’ All of this is the ripple effect or ‘chain reaction’ as it is demonstrated within the nurse’s game plan and is predictable. It is also not expected to be possible to resolve this problem. The chaos creates a non linear problem. The fact is, it IS possible but those who try to avoid blame at all costs are going to have to get past the pathetic need to do so, step up to the plate, get on the ball and take a new hit. (not too metaphorical for you is it?)

August 2006

Beth H. peers at me from under her brows and offers a wary ‘hi’ as though looking at a Martian perhaps (the ‘from under the brows peer has been done at me quite often by others also, (e.g. Jerry from the reception desk of the downtown Community Health Centre)
The shoe guy has been ‘interviewed’ by someone one of the ‘hes’ is just ‘sick about it.’ Another ‘he’ or perhaps the same ‘he,’ is asked, “How long until you meet Pat?” (Laughs)
CMHC is said to have suggested that I get hauled in for another ‘assessment’ as I have not been there for about six years. (don’t be surprised if I am the next person who gets wrestled to the floor of General emergency department because of my ‘resistance’ to the ‘help.’)
A woman who is a stranger to me says that I, “just have no respect for my parents” (my mother has told me that I am “insulting and disrespectful to my parents” as I have accused my father “falsely” of lying an manipulating ) so “now”, I don’t have THEM either. (Then she ‘harrumphs’ at me.) Say, I know, perhaps Elaine, the Tim Horton’s Apollo Eleven and Zeller’s waitress could get together with her and the bus drivers to support that theory again. Elaine is quite certain she knows ‘just who’s fault that is.”
It has also been suggested apparently, according to the street assessment, that I should be drugged by force as a ‘preventive’ measure. After all, if I went ‘mad’ once for no reason at all that anyone else could see, (can’t you just visualize Dale smirking at the alternate meaning of that Zen like cutie?) then it’s bound happen again according to the experts at Homewood.

A woman on a cell phone says, “The problem is that we do not include ourselves in all of the talking about her.”

Outside my window one night a male voice says, “This is where Pat lives isn’t it?” (I again wonder who that is, as I have many times, and which version of my supposed ‘reality’ THIS one is accepting.
Scottish Rose was on the bus telling “Bangs” about the latest rumors. Apparently her son says that people are yapping all the time and at this she makes a hand action of a flapping mouth. I am struck again by the non stop irony in all of this. Later, the tall head shaver is on the bus again. He is with me a great deal of the time. (He often gets off near Victoria and Speedvale) I have seen this same guy in the past with ‘Intrepid” , and many times also with others involved in this in one way or another, such as Beth R. who has done a rotation at Homewood.

The day after this time, head shaver is getting the latest from “Bangs” on the bus. The shoe guy and ticket seller at Old Quebec St. discuss what a ‘he’ says about all the gossip. The woman ticket seller defends it saying, “Well, everybody knows everyone else here so you can’t get away from THAT.” The thing is they DON’T “know” me and they don’t know everybody else either. Many who ‘assess; me don’t know me when I am sitting beside them listening to all their judgments. What they “know” is their own stories which they tell ABOUT people, many of which they make up themselves. So it goes and goes and goes. They are still trying not to ‘blame’ ANYONE. Of course, they mean THEMSELVES, as a group. It seems if one person acted out like this it would be bad behavior but, since thousands of people have done it THAT is when “no one can be blamed.” This is analyzed as an effect of the Dale’s training paradigm as a matter of fact.

Anyway, from here I am going to spend some time just talking about my experience with the whole city in more general terms for the most part. I will only name people if it is some significant happening, new or old, to make a point by connecting it to real concrete details which will take the tendency to deny it all away from the people involved in it. I want the population of my own city in particular, as well as other cities all over the world who are doing this to people in the name of ‘good’ or ‘help’ , to see, hear, and feel what it’s like to be the target of these community assaults, which are then DENIED and reinvented as the complainant’s ‘madness.’

I believe that unless people are SHOWN (and YES you public judges I AM ‘going to show him’) the concrete specific details and shown to THEMSELVES, they will keep right on behaving the same way, in this group insanity, making NO connection at all between their OWN acting out and the targeted person’s stating of the perfectly obvious. THAT’S the problem. When stating the obvious is heard as ‘madness,’ what can anyone say AFTER that which will cause the truth to be heard by those who simply don’t WANT to hear it?

As it was said in Dales’ training, ‘You (will) fail to see what is right in front of you.”