Harper Valley 6

Remember this should all be treated as an 'alleged' newspaper as I admit I have very little concrete proof of much of these rumours and stories. I am just being friendly and socializing like the rest of the population of Guelph, in an attempt to be more normal and acceptable. So, as Dale or his hero might also say, "Don't believe a word I say."

Did my landlord bond with the roof repair guy by telling him that they only reason tenants (like me) need to be notified that the water is going to be turned off is because we “might decide we need to wash our hands or something.”
Did they share a contemptuous little laugh together after that. (Bonding through contempt is so adorable isn’t it? Especially if they can think they are ‘superior” and therefore pulling it off in ‘secret.”)

Is this called ‘leveling’ in psychology as well as in Dales’ ‘secret’ training? It sure does fit with the landlord’s little act that he put on for his friend “Rick,” doesn’t it? (Acting like he made a habit of asking permission for everything. What a hoot! I wonder if "Vasha" cracked up when she heard that one? Did she tell him again, not to trust me?))
Do you think he also is trying to promote his own version of ‘reality’ in ‘secret’ so that he can’t be confronted or challenged? Can he also control perception that way? Is he an est-ee too?

Back all those years, who was it that called Dale at work to tell him what was going on? I have heard that several times over the years. Was it perhaps Marlene M. or Bill K.? (Her father) Was it a bus driver or two perhaps? Did he enlist them to help? Or Did a couple of his co-workers do that? Or was it perhaps Marg, who works in the Manor at Homewood, the sister of Laura S. A great deal of the abuse of me came from that unit from both staff, who don’t actually know me, and from a number of people in the addiction program too.

Remember when I told you way back in years that, that most of the acting out and the ‘jokes’ and laughs seemed to be coming from two man groups there; either the Hamiltons or McKinnon or from the Manor building?
I have heard recently that one of the tenants, or a visitor of one of them, in the house next door is said to have suggested to someone else that she thinks the guy who was squatting down recently, trying to look through my curtains is actually the guy who owns the house next door. Could that be? Maybe we should pump everyone we can for information and see what we can all find out. But remember, don't tell anyone as we must keep everything we are doing all over town a 'secret."

According to an old woman on the bus, a “he” is said to have fallen in love with me from hearing my case. (is that why Vi, the now retired bus driver thinks “those people at Homewood ought to be ashamed of themselves for keeping those two apart like that!) Hmmmm.. I say to myself, I wonder now if that is related to the idea I heard many years ago that Homewood staff was ‘driving a wedge between them.’ That was announced at me way back in 95, before I broke down even.

You see a lot of this is being put together by me from collecting all the information still being acted out for me all over town by all the people who discuss it endlessly amongst themselves. (or as you people call, my hallucinated conversations)
Was that Scottish Rose that asked someone if I am ‘still riding the bus’? I have heard all the speculation about this a lot over the years too. It depends upon which of the many stories is being discussed what the big concern is about that. Sometimes it is that I am ‘dangerous’ and perhaps may ask someone a question they can’t handle or some such thing. Sometimes it is because I am supposed to be ‘rich’ now having married a rich good looking guy who is crazy to be interested in someone like me for a variety or reasons. Sometimes it is because I am assumed to have left town after all of this chaos and threats etcetera. In fact, recently I heard that Homewood told people the woman they are talking about all the time (which of course they aren’t) isn’t me and that that woman, who just happens to have said everything I have, even using the same words, doesn’t even live here anymore! Know what else I heard? I heard that one of the people who used to get e-mail from me liked one of hem so much he made a ‘picture out of it and put it in a frame! Now how’s that for a far out rumor huh?

Isn’t all this gossiping fun? Really though I don’t have the hang of being ‘normal’ like all of you because it isn’t enough to just repeat everything about ME. Really I should be talking about everyone else shouldn’t I? Remember years ago when I asked the Hamilton staff to think about how much damage I could do if I was to choose to behave like them? Of course what I meant by that was that they should all consider what I know about them that they know I know, and also imagine what I know that they don’t know that I know, not to mention all the rumours I heard being spread about everybody while I was in that hospital for six years as a worker and then as a patient for nine days. You’d be amazed what you hear when you become invisible as a human being to those who are sure they are your superiors. It’s like being a fly on the wall.

“It’s the exact opposite’ is being repeated many times again this last week. Many people are again lowering their eyes when they see me (so that I won’t see them) and smirking away to themselves. Do you know how crazy that looks from my point of view? Do you think a lot of the presumed to be normal people really need a-little-something-to-reduce-their-awareness-for them?

Some people at the Library also heard that a ‘he’ is (or was) in love with her.’ (they turn, they look suspiciously, they clearly do not understand why that would be. I mean look at me. Some of them said they just don’t know what to believe. As Mary G. R.N. Homewood was rumoured to have said, according to the acting out of the manor staff, “I don’t know why he would want her anyway. She’s not even that good looking!” Mary G. is also said to have told Joe C. from housekeeping something similar. Joe was apparently wondering what would happen about “him” and I if it was all kept a secret. Mary told him he shouldn’t worry about it as “She will meet someone else.” (aren’t they all so charming and cavalier with other people’s lives, which is really kind of odd since so many of the people involved in this were telling me they couldn’t or wouldn’t help me by speaking up as it may cost THEM something.) It is interesting to hear that other people’s jobs and lives matter so much that they are not moved to tell the truth that the concealment of has cost me my life and employment and a lot more besides. So the message is coming through loud and clear here and that is why I have become the adversary they insisted I was going to be. It was them NOT taking responsibility for what they did that made me feel the way I do today. Ironic isn’t it? Oh yes, did you know that one of the newer bus drivers (who circled the block with Wayne C. and Doug K. to see if I was using a computer) likes to signal Joe C. of Housekeeping at Homewood to let him know that I was on the general Hospital bus at 2pm?

Anyway, as far as “he’ goes (there are several ‘hes’ to choose from her so take your pick) Cheryl F. was of the opinion that he must just like to be manipulated. You remember her? She lived over me at my current address and she and several others watched and reported on me. (Someone had called her you see on her land line to discuss me by name which she repeated as I sat at my kitchen table writing. After that, she reported to someone quite a bit and pretended she wasn’t doing it. THEN, she found out that I knew and she got all awkward when she saw me even though she kept right on talking now warned by someone that I had said in an e-email to the group that I could hear her on the phone there. Once she assured someone that I was in the bathroom and I was, but she was overhead there and I could still hear her of course. Isn’t this fascinating? Anyway, even now, the public consensus is that they really aren’t sure if they should believe all of this ‘he’ business or not. They are confused. (Perhaps they need the staff at Homewood to ‘help’ them too)

Now lately, I gave Tom S. and Patrick M. (partners in crime and/or prevention) my blog address so they can keep up with all the latest news without straining themselves too much. A day or two later, I saw Tom at Coco Latte (nice dye job Tommy!) sharing some laughs with another older man in a suit (probably another lawyer. They are out there in packs at lunch time) The two of them were enjoying some laughs together. I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t the “topic” again but of course. I hesitate to “think” so as it may be perceived by those who have it all together as another sign of my ‘fame seeking.”
Someone said that I must have decided that if I told them often enough for long enough, it would eventually sink in.

Oh yes, I saw Elizabeth S. the social worker involved with the gang at Homewood in the square one evening. I have only seen her a couple of times since she recognized that I was talking to her and the staff there, way back in late 94 or 95. She always looks t=straight ahead with a slightly pained _expression on her face. I have often wondered how she justifies her silence to herself, knowing what she does and also knowing that it was all re-invented as my paranoid delusions and shared the news at the Red Chevron, (as he likely did with Red Chevron member Eddy D.) My ex landlord (who ‘knows all about respect for privacy’) Bill K. is also a member of the Red Chevron. Was he also involved with Suzanne K. and Dale himself? Dale is the “source” in this particular game which has been redefined as MY hallucinated conversations. Is it that “personal responsibility is diminished because of the number of people involved as is shown in the analysis of Dale’s “game”?

Some teen aged boys on the bus think that ‘he’ shouldn’t go anywhere near me since ‘obviously’ if I contemplated suicide I am too ‘unstable.’ (Notice how the focus is always kept on me and MY perception and reactions, and never the group, it’s members, or their boundary violating thinking and behaviour. It is important to note that as it is a consistent aspect of all of this and if you are paying attention; you will notice the same thing in every other psychiatrized person’s case. This is about keeping the attention outside of the group members on some external problem located in one convenient place so that no one ELSE has to ever get caught or (God forbid) “blamed” for anything.

Saw Scraggy today, making her trip to the liquor store and pretending she doesn’t know me. (Amazing. I’m sure you remember her she is the one who did her performance art as a ‘nut’ on the train to Toronto in 95 wearing her props of a fur hat with ear flaps. You know? The report of which got me my fist offer of ‘medication’ from Dr. Deb Elliot who saw me because Dr. Geoff Daniel could not accept what I told him about Dale as ‘real.”) That was after I had told her also what Dale and his co-workers were doing, what it was called, and what effect it was having on me and why. I even told her why I was n danger of being disconnected from concrete reality because of it.

I also saw Beth H. this week out at the mall with a woman she hangs around with these days whose husband used to be a patient at Homewood. The pair of them stopped to get news (or perhaps pass along news or even both) at one of the tables of senior men at the mall who gossip everyday and who have acted out quite a bit of amusement towards me (not to mention my public diagnosis of my ‘mental illness) regarding all the rumors they have collected and passed along. Some of them they likely get from some of the same Homewood staff members and/or their relatives, friends or neighbors, and I have also seen them being informed by Montgomery, who also informed one of my clients on Paisley and is an employee of U. of G. either in maintenance, or security. The same group of men shares much news with Dale M. who worked in Dietary at Homewood during Dale’s assault, and perhaps still does.

I believe that Montgomery may also have shared his gossip with Eddy D. who was also a member of the Red Chevron along with Bill K. , the landlord connected to Dale (?) and Suzanne K. in this circular recreation. Any sign of your getting it yet? Sure are a lot of amazing ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?

Now you must remember that I have collected all of this information about the interconnections of those who claim they have not done a thing, over many years. This is the ‘pattern’ we nuts ‘think’ we see which psychiatrists do NOT see. Let’s look at that judgement from the other point of view shall we? Why do you assume that if I see something you do NOT see, and then there is nothing to see? Is that arrogance talking? Would you admit it if you found out that it was? How about asking yourselves to look at it the other way. (I already asked Dale and the Staff of the Hamiltons something similar) You start with the nexus statement, “She sees something we do not see. “
There are too possible objective judgments there.

1. I am seeing something that is not there.
2. You are failing to see something that IS there.

(or expressed the opposite way)
(I should mention that even though I agree with much included in this link, I do not agree with every word. For example, I do not agree with this person's idea of the meaning of Zen. The Zen-like idea used in the training is not the same thing.The differences are in intention.)

Why don’t you ever consider the latter? Especially considering you think ten or eleven minutes of your time should be enough to slap psychiatric labels on someone. Why would you think that? Why don’t you know there is something wrong with your own attitudes?

Professor P. was at the mall again on the second to last Sunday in July. And has his cell phone with him today. After he saw me out there he used it. Of course I am sure I am just being paranoid if I think these people are frequently reporting Paranoid Patty sightings. Why, isn’t that exactly why I needed to be forced out of my job? Twice?

There has been a series of hang ups on my phone tapes, minus any messages again. (Is that you again Dale? Or someone else just checking….) Perhaps it was my landlord dialing over and over, determined to wait until I answer, which I NEVER do and he has been told that, as well as hearing it in plain language on the tape. Or perhaps it is one of the other ‘normal’ people who can’t, or won’t follow a simple instruction because of their neurotic need to control others.
If this is too difficult for him, I have also pointed out the other options several times; leave a note in my mailbox, under my door, taped to my door, and the previous owner Donna told him the landlord law also. I have asked him many times not to arrive at my door without calling first or just use the phone to state his business since the answering machine (as he knows when he hangs up) is on all the time. I have also told him I do not want him entering my home without my knowledge or consent nor do I want him allowing anyone else to do it. This is only repeating what the landlord/tenant act already stipulates. He continues pretty much to behave the same way, discusses me with other tenants and trades people (which I have also asked him to stop doing) and finds the fault in me for my (guess what?) that’s right ‘perception/reaction problem.

This is universal you know. The one hundred and eighty degree ‘switch’ except some people don’t need to pay anyone to train them to be this way. Does it seem familiar to you?
Has Maggie C. at my bank discussed how scary it all is with the current bank manager?

Tuesday, July 25/06
As I sat at the word processor at the Library, my landlord emerged from the back room and after a ‘personable’ little chat (are you from town here?) with the woman on the front desk, he ‘exited the premises.’ (I just wanted to work a little police jargon into the mix here) About ten to fifteen minutes later, I went to the back room myself and there I found two women engaged in a heads together gossip session sharing some “Pat” stories. Just to confirm that, as I approached one of them said, “That’s her now.” (tee hee hee) ''Apparently, he had wanted to marry her. ''
Though they were about 65ish or so, they were giggling about it like school girls. One of the things I always notice about this groupthink stuff is how regressive it is to everyone involved in the ‘secret’ keeping. (Wait until all the story telling makes me homeless. What a hoot that is going to be huh! Remember now, don’t forget to keep focused on blaming your victim no matter what evidence comes to light, including denying your victim IS a victim and instead having it seen as having my ‘perception/reaction’ problem.

Some teen boys announced that a ‘crooked cop planned it.’ ‘They’ say the story is all over and they STILL won’t admit to it. Apparently, they are all really embarrassed now.’’(Oh. Poor “THEM.” How they must be suffering then. And what are my measly problems compared to how they feel? Am I ever selfish aren’t I? When we should all be focused on how they look. )
Dale M. and the group of seniors are catching up on all the latest at the mall again. The story of my near suicide is once again making the public rounds. I am sure some charming teen will sneer at me soon for it; or perhaps some righteously indignant old person or drunk.

The details that I have written here are a proverbial drop in the bucket of what I have experienced as the target of this. Homewood of course, has much more detail and has had it for many years. They remain silent and filled to the brim with their brand of integrity.

Now, I am going to start talking to all of you like equals telling you how you look and sound to me, and what I think of you for being the way you are, including my observations and assessments of you and all of your mental problems. I have suggested to my fellow psychiatrized that we are going to have to tell those who assess us and judge us according to their own understanding, every nitty, gritty detail of the problem, as if we are talking to small children, because they are too brainwashed by their own belief system to hear the obvious. That post will soon follow and many more like it, and the first one at the very least, will appear on four, out of my five, blogs.

I will also be writing some open world wide web letters to my psychiatrists, my protagonist and his support group, and a number of others as well, telling them the things I would have preferred to tell them a long time ago in private as offered, but which I must tell them now in public and with much more anger than I had then.