A group of people look at me together as they sit at Caffe Latte. “We were all certain we all knew just what was happening and why,’ says one as I pass by.
Later, “Ed,’ formerly a supervisor for the local transit company, is seen having joined them.
In my building heard by one of my new neighbors, “They say she is some sort of big brain but I don’s see it.” (she and another share a little derisive laugh together)
A former client of mine spends time on a phone talking to a relative about how stupid I am. He is sure I will not understand if I can only hear one side of the conversation. (After all I am stupid in his opinion) This sort of thing has been done a great deal while I sit in the room with the mocker and ridiculer on my end of the phone. They like to make faces at me while they do it. All appear to be unaware of their own visibility.
A group of new neighbours discuss at the bus stop, on the buses and in the hallway how I ‘think’ I understand this better than they do. They are all amused together at the very idea of that. Naturally, they won’t say anything like this to me since you cannot convince a nut like me that I am ‘delusional’ and grandiose.’ (Someone seems to be wouldn’t you say?)
Two young guys discuss (out of the sides of their mouths) being careful what they say on the bus as “Pat Lefave’ may be sitting near them and they would not know it.’ (Ironic, huh?) They decide the odds are in their favour and one of them ‘wonders’ if the young woman sitting in front of me might be her…” (Apparently she is also deaf and blind to be talked about like she is not there.) “No,’ says the other, ‘she is too young to be her.’ ( It was all I could do to resist the temptation to say, ‘but I’m not am I?’)
One of the long time fools with the sort of long gray hair and the receding hairline gets on the 61 bus with me one day. When he spots me he does his usual. His eyes glowing with amusement, he drops his eyes and tries really hard not to do his usual smirking bit. He fails as always of course. Later, I happen to be right behind him in line at the Eramosa Zehr’s, so I walk up close to him, stare at the side of his head and smirk back. He pretends he does not recognize me at all. (It really is ‘amazing’, this split consciousness the ‘superior’ people always tell themselves they have.) She was told by me (when she asked) that what I am doing here is writing essays about my experience of Homewood and of my city. She continues to pretend to know nothing of course since pretending to be mystified is all par of the dysfunctional group code of behaviour.
The Reiki gal from the centre displays at Old Quebec sees me at the Library word processor and then goes into a sobbing thing. She is part of the mall gossip routine but of course as with all of them has convinced herself that I do not see her or hear her or all the others either unless thy intend me to.
Theme of the week for some is: ‘They blamed HER!’
Heard in the hallways from my new neighbours: “Have you heard about Pat Lefave?” Answer: “Oh everybody knows about her…”
Would be Incident report: At 4:12pm I fond my laundry removed from the dryer by the next user. He was to start his at 4pm. The laundry takes about twenty two minutes to complete it’s cycle so this means he started his early for it to be in the dryer before 4:12pm .He did not need to do this as if he was REALLY using his schedule mine would have been out before his was even finished washing but he used this to make a little scene for the other tenants. I have no schedule time as there are times called ‘free time’ which is easier for me to use. It is not the first time this one has done something like this but it is also not unusual to see this sort of thing in these buildings. I am not intending to make an ‘incident report.” (he once shouted through the doorway that I should make one for his shouting through the door! So I am sure others have done so since he was suggesting it to me too) I intend to ignore this person and stay away from his pettiness. The only reason I am including this is for the record. Naturally, he considers himself to be the sane one.
On Saturday the 19th, two women that I do not know at all discussed me on a bus. One says: “I feel bad now because of all the bad things I said about her when I thought there was something else going on and I don’t even know her.’
The other one though tired to ‘correct’ her feeling bad by saying, “She could have spoken up long ago and she didn’t so she deserves just what she is getting?” her face was a mask of hatred when she said this. I was sitting two seats behind her. I have also heard this excuse before, “She could have spoken up long ago etc. “
Of course, these judges (who no doubt’ do not like to judge’) of course do not know either that my failing to understand what was going on was part of the ‘game’ as planned nor do they know that when I did figure out this was no ‘joke’ I did report exactly what Dale and his co-workers were doing to the floor psychiatrist and a number of others since. THEY are the ones who concealed all for this and tried to further intimidate me into silence as well. Perhaps this hateful woman could spend some time considering what she does NOT know so she can ‘get off her own act.’ (I like to use the game boy jargon now.)
Sunday, Psych students on a bus: The topic is now intuition and sensing things as well as the ‘documentation they now have’ so they can’t deny it. Again the ideas expressed are, “They thought they were right. They were SURE they were right.’ (I will likely hear this for several days now repeated over and over again and among those doing the talking will be a few who throw in the ‘there she is’ bit to confirm it for me.
A woman who used to work at West End Bakery, and before that at the Silver Dollar discusses with another how ‘they’ see no connections between all these people when in fact, they are there.
On the bus “Bill’ an AA member who was often seen filling in “Wayne”’ a bus driver on what was going on in Homewood is now chatting with “Barry’ who now lives in housing but who was one of the series people who moved into the apartment overhead where I lived. Barry’s buddy moved into the house next to me there and the endless supply of Manor graduates kept everyone informed of all the latest crap, in all its versions, including supplying the employees of Upsdell’s with all the latest, who in turn supplied the whole neighbourhood. They then ALL pretended they didn’t know anything and denied the whole thing: just like Homewood staff.
Their group denial and my paranoid delusions of course, are one and the same. “Donna” the professional town crier, continues to keep all bus drivers and others up to date on all the latest, along with her contemptuous opinion of me, which a number of them really enjoy hearing.
The Housing resident , the woman with the gray hair and cane, who lives in the Delhi unit (along with the Homewood Housekeeping staff woman who was kept informed by the H2 and h3 nurses,) fills in bus driver Artie on all the latest of details so he can keep up his function as bus driving gossip. (Not that he does of course) He will be able to pass it along to the staff he gossips with at Riverside Glen, who in turn will pass it all along and continue with their non stop group assessments of me while pretending not to know a thing. Ruth Ann’s friend who has told Ruth Ann something abut me which she has kept ‘secret’ of course, lives in housing on Woolwich which is also where several others who have kept up a steady stream of gossip abut me live including one of the town addicts who likes to make contemptuous remarks about me form a few feet away in the town square. He too is a ‘stranger to me’ whom I ‘think’ is talking about me.
Some think the ‘doctor’ is impressed by me because I got on the computer but they don’t understand why that should be. So I know how to use a computer…what’s the ‘Big Deal’? ‘They’ say that ‘the police went all around the building.’
A teen at Old Quebec says that ‘when they put all the information together it all made sense.’
We had a little ‘fun’ on one of the buses by not opening the door to let me off since I was standing alone at the back door. ‘Donna the town crier’ felt she should act as my ‘interpreter’ for the smirking bus driver. After all she is the gossip coordinator for one and all. Don’t’ worry now if confronted, another version of this reality will be supplied and I won’t be able to prove different since there is just the tow of them as witnesses and would such lovely people ever lie? Of course not! That would not be reasonable would it? I love the’ bonding through smirking’ thing don’t you?
It is the opinion of the merchants of Old Quebec street that all they have to do now is get everybody else out of it. Peggy is still quite certain that I am just stupid and a big deal is being made about nothing. A guy I know who plays a violin is being asked by one of the smirking old men, former resident of Speedvale Housing who enjoys talking about the ‘crazies’ on the bus, if he knows “her.” (me) Another form the same HOUSING Unit goes directly downtown from there to see the Vin Joy shoe guy and fill him in on all the latest. Residents from housing on Speedvale are also talking about how the woman who was ‘yelling at bus drivers’ is in the hospital again. A ‘he’ tells people he is ‘a little slow on the uptake about some things.’
A University debate is held on the bus which could be entitled “what I don’t like about Pat Lefave.’ The contents of the debate are basically second guessing me with their hind sight used without ANY input from me at all. (as always) “she could have done this…She could have said that…’ etc. is the style of the debate. Roseanna (formerly from H2 during the Homewood ‘fun’ is having a discussion with ‘Tina’ sister (I believe) of Peggy and one of Dale’s supporters.
Heard on the bus: “we are all in a lot of trouble.’
Mary W. former Homewood ward clerk mentioned specifically on the tapes as one of those listening in every day to what I had to say, which they KNEW on the units, and knew that I knew, long before I broke down under pressure, tells me on the street she remembers me but does not remember my name. I was less than enthusiastically’ friendly’ towards her.
As I make my way to a seat near to them, a Spanish speaking family discuses me together on the bus. The mother warns the father in English to ‘be nice’ as she believes that I will know what they are talking about. He is quite certain I will not but speaks in Spanish to humour his wife. He makes a derogatory comment and the daughter laughs. It is his opinion that I am the guilty part doing harm to those poor psychiatrists at Homewood .
Students remind each other for the umpteenth time that they are not to discuss me and my fascinating case,(which I was assured existed only in my delusions) on the bus. “That is only on weekdays,’ said the one. “no it is supposed to be on all days just in case she is on the bus, corrected the other. Frequently students discuss the ‘odds’ that I would be hearing them now.
On the street it is mentioned that I once said, “Nothing makes sense of you don’t have enough information.’ (I did say that on the answering machine tapes. I also added to that and ‘everything does if you do.’)
Library staff discusses ‘the roller coaster ride’ which is a description of my experience I have heard over and over aging for many, many years now, since at least 95 or earlier. Someone also discusses the frustration, resentment and anger experienced by those defined as ‘mentally ill’ when their emotions are all continuously invalidated. Homewood ’s name is mentioned, as it frequently is during this little chat.
A bus driver now claims there is a ‘’triangle’ in it. A woman who lives in housing says to another on a bus that, they ALL know. All the ones in the building know what happened to her and why and they all gossip about it to everybody.’
Some library staff now announce; “so it was a deliberate act then…? Another patron says: ‘she sees way beyond what we can see and long before it even happens.’
Prof. Phidd is wandering through Old Quebec St. lately, usually around one o’clock.
One of the downtown post office employees fills in the nosy gossiping bank teller from my bank. (Who always has a snotty opinion to express from a few feet away), This is on the latest saying, it is like “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest “ and is asked by the teller, “Do you know him”? To which she replies, “they aren’t saying who it is.’
One of the library staffers says that she ‘likes being a monkey frankly’ and also adds, ‘they aren’t going to say who it is yet.’
Heard on street: “Nobody got it. They looked and the finally saw it. It is all right there.”
This is not the first time that I have heard this or something similar.
“Is she really mad?” “Well yes but she is also kind of funny when she is expressing it.’
((If they mean me, I was never ‘pretending’ anything. If they mean the skinny little bad actress who performed n he train to Toronto (which then got ‘corrected’ for me by psychiatry when I reported it) that may be true. To Find out you need only go to Wally’s tavern where she and her partner the drunk who interviewed middle aged women on the bus about their sex lives hang out all day. He sometimes gets her to go to the liquor store for him too. She is one of the people who like to smirk at me, no doubt certain of her ‘superior’ understanding, coupled with the belief that she is well ‘hidden’ from me.) The addicts are probably the single most consistently self deluded group there is.
Student on the street: “She was pretending to be crazy.’
I was never ‘pretending anything. A always this is my reality as defined by ongoing ‘group consensus.’
One of the Manor graduates who also lives on Paisley was seen by me going into an apartment building on St. Arnaud at Waterloo . This may explain why I heard myself at an earlier time being discussed by a group of ‘strangers to me’ who were sitting outside there last summer.
Hear again on the street: “That’s her. He’s a police officer.”
(which one of the ‘hes’ would that be? )
Also there is another round of discussion about someone named “Rob’ and all he has to say about this whole thing.
Hear at the Library: “it’s all over town and they STILL won’t admit it.’
One of the male university students who assessed me in my presence with other students as “passive aggressive’ connects at the library with another one who is working part time at Value Village . Is it really all that hard to see a connection to my reporting that at Value Village the staff there once acted out for me, “there’s Pat Lefave. It is a shame she has to shop here isn’t it? “
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The April Fools
Update: The 'No Frills' brown man who works in the produce department has another news flash for his buddies on the bus! He wants his pals to know that ‘apparently she is saying that bus drivers, teachers, doctors and everyone is involved. It is all just bull shit man. She apparently takes the Waterloo bus now too and now she is squealing like a pig.”
(The pair then snorted together like pigs)
Heard at Library: ‘He could have been planning her murder and they were letting him into her apartment.”
I don’t know if I remembered to include this before so I may be repeating myself:
A couple of months ago (Jan 08?) I heard at the mall that a ‘he’ was actually going to read the letters I had given him and that after ‘he’ did, he said, “it was all there.” Sorry but don’t know which “he’ that might have been since I gave copies of all my letters attempting to get help to a large number of ‘hes.’
Library staff is still ‘waiting for action.’ Kerry R. tries to check out what I am writing by walking behind me. The “that’s her is being repeated again all over town. Near the Bookshelf a woman wonders out loud as I pass, “well why would SHE think she understands this better than the doctors?” “well, he informed her lowering his eyes as he smirked “knowingly” (at which I smirked too) “you know we all like to believe we are ‘special’ in some way.” (of course, it would not occur to this man who ‘thinks’ HE is ‘special’ enough to be able to explain me without knowing me, that I just MAY be right. )
By the way, it is the superior/inferior circular thinkers who usually need to feel ‘special and not the egalitarian circle thinkers. Our premise of reasoning is not yours, and because it isn’t we use the same words but we do not mean the same thing. Our needs are not yours either. To assume they are, from a nice safe non-communicating distance away, is actually your own problem and it is called ‘subjective projection.’ It is based on ‘reductionism.’
Now apparently they asked the bus drivers if they had been talking about me over the radio and they said ‘no.’ I hallucinated some more conversations about this one day when the blond with the pony tail (I believe her name is Sherry) was working. The blond with the pony tail is the one who was all the way up Woolwich St. on foot one day with two male drivers from the old days apparently looking for my address then too. By the way, it has since been given to them by my new neighbours, and also by some trades people who had my apartment pinpointed for them by one of my other neighbours. This may explain why I suddenly got cable TV again which I did not order nor am I paying for. Since I am still being ‘stalked by proxy’ as I said years ago to the staff of H2 and H3 on my unlisted answering machine tapes, you can imagine how ‘safe’ I feel her wherever I go. As I said to one of my new neighbours, I do not know if I will ever feel safe here again since there are so many ‘covert’ operators watching and reporting all the time. The neighbours are currently checking with each other to see if I have any visitors and many other questions as well and then they all do a group analysis on it all.
These of course, are the stuff of my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’
About two weeks ago or so, I hear a woman on a bus talking to another about someone who visits a resident in one of the housing buildings and she was saying how appalled her friend was at the malicious gossiping in there, “Why, she said as if shocked, ‘some of them have even gone to my friend as she went through the halls to tell her stories about other tenants. It is just terrible.” (She should try having her address given out wherever she goes by people she does not even know, to God knows who)
It is apparently fascinating to watch someone under as much pressure as I am for as long as it has been without becoming aggressive. The two main groups of gossip ‘sourcing’ (let’s use the a**hole’s jargon for affect) are still Homewood staff and still The Manor staff and ‘experiencers.’ Now of course, many of the Housing buildings are developing a blend of seniors and addicts with ‘medication’ pensions. Some of those on ‘medication of course are still supplementing it with their old ‘medicine’ as apparently the chemical imbalance in their brains is not yet ‘corrected.’ These are the ones who are most likely to express their often hostile opinion of me from a few feet away when they ‘get the chance.’ Many of them used to take the opportunity to do that as they passed by me in the halls of Homewood too.
One of my neighbours is really distressed because she has seen me caring for a neighbour’s dog. She pressed herself against a wall, (which she does frequently when she is doing her rounds as unofficial hall monitor) saying, Oh my God….SHE’S got Milo !” (Later she pretended not to even KNOW I had the dog. She is quite the comedy act this one. ) The No Frills Willow brown guy who lives on Waterloo, saw one of his buddies on the bus and let his buddy know what I ‘claim”. “She claims that bus drivers, and doctors and even teachers all involved themselves. It is all bullshit man. Apparently she is riding the Waterloo bus now. Anyway, she is squealing like a pig.” Har har har (the two of them then snorted like pigs but saw no irony of course)
A neighbour asks me ever so casually if I am working (which she already knows) and then asks me where (which she also already knows since she pumps my new ‘friend’ for information and gets it. They have also both expressed their opinion on my refusal to give up my focus on this problem and my writing about it. OH…not directly to ME of course. Just to the group operating in ‘secret.’)
The library discusses how they hear it is the stress that causes it. Jimmy H. bus driver fills in one of the same men he has before who as all of them do the far box gossip session. Today’s; topic is the desire not to e-mail me as a means of contact. My Comcare co-coordinator has now had at least two meetings in Guelph to which I was not invited and about which I was not notified. I have heard that new workers are being given work event though I am not but this too is rumour mill stuff. If it is true, a reason will be found for it as there has always been a reason found that ‘explains why I get noting from them. I have also heard some other ‘reasons’ why I get nothing from them but they are different ‘reasons.’ For example; I have heard they have told others that they will not give me any work in nursing homes, after what the lovely staff (former Homewood staff to start and then spread from there) have told them about me ‘covertly.’) I have heard I have been specifically requested and the request was turned down. I have heard they said the did not know when I was home, (as the first reason for refusing work) that they needed to do a work assessment on me, as the next ‘reason’ and that after that, when I could no longer afford to pay for a phone, they are now saying it is because I have no phone) NONE of this of course, has ever been discussed with me at all, ever. I am still the object of everyone else’s assessments which cannot be confronted because I am NEVER talked to genuinely or directly by anyone. All of this is of course denied and proclaimed to be non existent. You might say of it that ‘everything and nothing are the same thing. Oh look, there is that zed-like cuteness again.
It is still being proclaimed to be ‘so sad’ but that is usually followed by a little laugh or ‘inappropriate affect’ if you like the psychological term for it) The Chief Librarian still does not want me to be told anything directly.
News Flash! OH yes and I have found out the work location of a new woman added to the mix who has been gossiping abut me at work and then has shared that with another smirking jerk of a woman on the #3 bus. She works for ….Oakwood Retirement Communities. (Aka Riverside Glen/Homewood partnership owned) with the former Homewood staff members working there too. What a coincidence huh? She is middle aged wears green and has dark brown hair straight with bangs.
Guess what else. One of the women I told you about before that I heard talking about outside the Old Quebec St. mall to another guy has been located by me too. She is a volunteer in the Homewood library! Skinny woman looks about sixty maybe and has also done some smirking with other people in my vicinity, including patients. Another Homewood connection.
I have discovered that two of the women currently gossiping about me on the bus, including calling me by name are in the medical community. One of them is an employee of Red Cross and the other works for Oakwood Retirement homes. (Riverside Glen, where some of my Homewood judges also work and feel entitled to express their contemptuous opinion.)
Bus driver Artie has recently been pointing himself in my direction while making the ‘money’ sign with his hand while talking to another. I wonder if another round of how ‘rich’ I supposedly am, is taking place now?
The skinny volunteer for the Homewood Library has spent some time smirking at me recently as well as asking others if they too intend to create a blog. The people she asks are often defined as patients, and usually they too are from the addictions division. She also talks about how hard it is too get your relatives in Homewood and this was discussed with a Library patron seeking advice from Library staff.
Jimmy H. bus driver and a man I have seen discussing this with bus drivers before are talking again at the fare box. I always have to wonder every time these people act out like this, “Is this one of the times when they believe I can see them or is it one of the times when they believe they are successfully ‘hidden’ while acting it out? It all looks the same to me.
It is said, “no one is ever going to be able to see this same way ever again.’ (I wonder what “it’ is that they think they see now?)
April 8th, 2008, a “Robert” was apparently ‘hoping for something ‘according to folks at the Library. It is also said that ‘they’ seem to think they should be able to talk about me, and say anything they want, but if she (me) says anything about them or even just repeats what they say about HER back to them, then that is a whole other story.’ (That is the way it always is with the ‘superior.’)
The residents of my new building have had another group assessment session I think. I am sure that the one at the end of the hall has also filled them in on the information she got from the regular mall crawlers and the other drinkers which are part of her life as well. Also, on April 7th, 2008, there was apparently a ‘big fight’ somewhere about this that just ‘everyone’ is talking about. An old woman also said to her friend on a bus, “he was her psychiatrist.’
Of course, since I have had so many psychiatrists I do not know which one is being referred to here nor do I know in which capacity or story the ‘he’ is being defined. I am sorry but this is all I get from my point of view ; a lot of bits and pieces which may be true, half true or completely false but which are NEVER clarified for me. I am the city wide ‘object’ of observation (item in the jargon of Dale/Edgardo’s training) after all.
Tina, Homewood employee and one of dale’s ‘soothers’ about his being accused ‘falsely’ is talking to a woman on the streets today as she walks past me she says, “Well I just don’t believe all of that!”
Also state on the streets, What until he has to tell her THAT was him! (Laughter)
Donna the gossiping tenant is quite put out that anyone would think I was so ‘special’ She likes to make nasty comments to anyone who will listen and then curse a lot. She shares all her opinions with the one who she ‘helps’ out at Save Mar, among many others. The one with the small hooked nose who gets her version of me from the woman down the hall, who gets some information to ridicule me with from my new ‘friend’ is doing her usual “Harrumph!’ bit on the bus. She did from day one but also believes she is hidden from me and only expressing her views with the other bus stop gossips. I have always known what she is like and once again this is the chicken/egg paradox. One of them says in my presence, “well maybe people would treat her better if she was a little friendlier!” This was after a mall employee told her the folks out at the mall were not very nice to her.” As usual they blame the victim for BEING a victim and that fits right in nicely with the Dale Edgardo’s ‘game’ doesn’t it?
Of course the reason I stay away from them other than to nod hello (and that is getting harder to do all the time too) is because I am reacting to what I actually now about them and not what they want to BELIEVE I know. I don’t want anything personal to do with such judges and gossips so they can screw up those hateful faces of theirs till the cows come home and that is not going to change no matter how phony they are or how many stories and opinions they like to spread. I have no intention of pretending I don’t know the real them just because they want to operate from behind the see through façade and want me to go along with pretending I cannot see them or understand them. If one of them proves to be genuine on her own, I will relate to THAT one as an individual but never to this nasty group as whole. They call my failure to join them in this a problem in me but from my pint of view I see it as a problem in those which expect me to pretend I do not know what I know. I am civil to all people but I am not going to enable this group behaviour.
One day the Workfare boys walked past me at Old Quebec St. it was Fuzzy face and the overweight one with the cap; tow out of three of the ones gossiping in 99 and on at lunch. So I decided to hand them their comment back and as they walked by I said out of the side of my mouth, “Come on lady, give it up…” Ten to one that they did not get I was doing it on purpose. They likely tough I was talking to myself and that it had nothing at all to do with them. I can’t see them or hear them a few feet away so why would it? I would have laughed right out loud but then someone would probably have called Homewood to come and ‘help’ me so I held it in.
A banker says that someone ‘at the hospital’ is saying, “I could lose my license for this.’
Heard on the street, “They still couldn’t figure it out. The police had to explain it to them.’
‘It’s in the language used. She used the same language to explain it so they could see it.’
At the library with all the assessors and observers of the city acting out for me: Today we have a collection of the gossiping twelve steppers/ Manor graduates and a host of others. There is a woman who used to be my friend who never let on she knew anything about me or what has happened here but then filled in others on here version of my reality everywhere she went including on Earl Street and some bus drivers. She sat beside the Homewood Library Volunteer who she also knows. I believe her name is “Diane.” I wonder if this is the ‘Diane’ who tells Motor mouth Marion how ‘awful I am rather than Dale’s ‘Diane.’ Well, after all, none of it is any of my business is it? On the other side of her was a guy with a goatee who she also knows and when she got up to leave her internet spot she was replaced by they guy named Kerry’ who is also one seen in deep discussion with they guy I call ‘Intrepid.’ The group of them all connected ‘knowingly’ as they kept all the Homewood ‘secrets’ from little old unconscious/stupid/unfriendly me. Not that any of this is real of course but rather just all my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations for which “treatment may well be imminent as soon as they all decide by the combination of ‘authority’ and group consensus exactly which ‘reality’ is going to be defined just how for me.
A former acquaintance who is another twelve steeper sits at an internet terminal at the library. There she puts on a performance for the guy beside her saying, while jerking her head in my direction, (drawing attention to herself) “I am going to go and sit right beside her…” to which the other idiot smirked in response and the two of them shared their little secret behaviour together. If you think this BS is hard to believe as I write about it, you should try being the ‘subject’ who has to witness it thirty times a day. Often, they are nudging and winking like morons as well but always they feel ‘concealed.’ A few feet closer though and they then believe they suddenly become visible. Then they watch for my ‘reactions’ to the group idiocy. When they don’t get one, they usually conclude I must be really stupid. Often they comment on that too.
After this one got up from her seat, she was replaced in it by a guy who has discussed me with ‘intrepid’ at the mall and who often ‘observes’ me from a few feet away. He too knew the guy sitting beside ‘the twelve stepper’ as he is one too. They did a little nudge act of their own.
The old cowboy at the mall was talking to earring man again (the one seen going into one of my nosy neighbour’s apartment who is assessing me all the time for the rest of the group. She gets direct ‘inputs’ (may as well use Dale’s jargon right?) on any details at all from my new ‘friend’ (in secret of course) and then they all get together and go for the usual group assessment. I am sure eventually they will talk long enough and assess enough to come to some extraordinary conclusions. They always do. (But hey, don’t tell me as I am the object of observation and I must not be allowed to know what all these folks are secretly up to.)
Now at the mall, the Old Cowboy and the earring man did a little assessment on my friendliness and how I did not respond to them at all and they cannot imagine why either since I will only of course know what they intend me to know and not what they don’t. Too bad I know so much more isn’t it, and that I am reacting to what I ACTUALLY know and not what other people decide for me that I know. A few minute later, Prof. Phidd is seen as usual peering around the food court to see if the usual gossips are there. The table of elderly gossiping men was not there at the time. One of the chronic loudmouthed Manor people is complaining on the bus about how she doesn’t like anybody in the city and she connects to one of the people living in my building to do it. (One that gossips at the mall all the time and then passes along everything she hears about me to other tenants as well, so they can do another assessment session on it.) Her complaint of the moment is on how so many people are ‘pretending’ to be living alone and yet are ‘really’ living with other people in housing units. The pair then uses me as the ‘example.’ This comes from their own rumours which they are having another round of in which I am alternate really ‘rich’ and pretending to be poor or have a man living with me (whom I do not know about) Some of them have decided to question me more closely abut my job and have tried to get my ‘friend’ to find out more so she can report to them. She still tries but finds me “non complaint’ about it so she then tells them I “get really mad” when she asks (which I don’t I actually just say it varies and don’t give her the information she is pumping for. Of course, I do not know about all this anyway since they are so cagy and all, and someone says, “She is supposed to be this big brain or something but I sure don’t see it.” (then they bond a bit more through mutual disdain for me, which is seen as acceptable behaviour as long as I do not know about it. (They are sure of course that I don’t.)
On the street is is said of me, “They all praise her to his face but at the same time they are attacking her and even abusing her on the streets.” A family physician’s name was mentioned on the streets in connection with me. This was not my own former doctor but one that I knew years ago when working at the answering service. Also heard, “They are changing all the programs at Homewood .”
An elderly couple on the bus points me out while stating, “they told her she was crazy.’
(The pair then snorted together like pigs)
Heard at Library: ‘He could have been planning her murder and they were letting him into her apartment.”
I don’t know if I remembered to include this before so I may be repeating myself:
A couple of months ago (Jan 08?) I heard at the mall that a ‘he’ was actually going to read the letters I had given him and that after ‘he’ did, he said, “it was all there.” Sorry but don’t know which “he’ that might have been since I gave copies of all my letters attempting to get help to a large number of ‘hes.’
Library staff is still ‘waiting for action.’ Kerry R. tries to check out what I am writing by walking behind me. The “that’s her is being repeated again all over town. Near the Bookshelf a woman wonders out loud as I pass, “well why would SHE think she understands this better than the doctors?” “well, he informed her lowering his eyes as he smirked “knowingly” (at which I smirked too) “you know we all like to believe we are ‘special’ in some way.” (of course, it would not occur to this man who ‘thinks’ HE is ‘special’ enough to be able to explain me without knowing me, that I just MAY be right. )
By the way, it is the superior/inferior circular thinkers who usually need to feel ‘special and not the egalitarian circle thinkers. Our premise of reasoning is not yours, and because it isn’t we use the same words but we do not mean the same thing. Our needs are not yours either. To assume they are, from a nice safe non-communicating distance away, is actually your own problem and it is called ‘subjective projection.’ It is based on ‘reductionism.’
Now apparently they asked the bus drivers if they had been talking about me over the radio and they said ‘no.’ I hallucinated some more conversations about this one day when the blond with the pony tail (I believe her name is Sherry) was working. The blond with the pony tail is the one who was all the way up Woolwich St. on foot one day with two male drivers from the old days apparently looking for my address then too. By the way, it has since been given to them by my new neighbours, and also by some trades people who had my apartment pinpointed for them by one of my other neighbours. This may explain why I suddenly got cable TV again which I did not order nor am I paying for. Since I am still being ‘stalked by proxy’ as I said years ago to the staff of H2 and H3 on my unlisted answering machine tapes, you can imagine how ‘safe’ I feel her wherever I go. As I said to one of my new neighbours, I do not know if I will ever feel safe here again since there are so many ‘covert’ operators watching and reporting all the time. The neighbours are currently checking with each other to see if I have any visitors and many other questions as well and then they all do a group analysis on it all.
These of course, are the stuff of my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’
About two weeks ago or so, I hear a woman on a bus talking to another about someone who visits a resident in one of the housing buildings and she was saying how appalled her friend was at the malicious gossiping in there, “Why, she said as if shocked, ‘some of them have even gone to my friend as she went through the halls to tell her stories about other tenants. It is just terrible.” (She should try having her address given out wherever she goes by people she does not even know, to God knows who)
It is apparently fascinating to watch someone under as much pressure as I am for as long as it has been without becoming aggressive. The two main groups of gossip ‘sourcing’ (let’s use the a**hole’s jargon for affect) are still Homewood staff and still The Manor staff and ‘experiencers.’ Now of course, many of the Housing buildings are developing a blend of seniors and addicts with ‘medication’ pensions. Some of those on ‘medication of course are still supplementing it with their old ‘medicine’ as apparently the chemical imbalance in their brains is not yet ‘corrected.’ These are the ones who are most likely to express their often hostile opinion of me from a few feet away when they ‘get the chance.’ Many of them used to take the opportunity to do that as they passed by me in the halls of Homewood too.
One of my neighbours is really distressed because she has seen me caring for a neighbour’s dog. She pressed herself against a wall, (which she does frequently when she is doing her rounds as unofficial hall monitor) saying, Oh my God….SHE’S got Milo !” (Later she pretended not to even KNOW I had the dog. She is quite the comedy act this one. ) The No Frills Willow brown guy who lives on Waterloo, saw one of his buddies on the bus and let his buddy know what I ‘claim”. “She claims that bus drivers, and doctors and even teachers all involved themselves. It is all bullshit man. Apparently she is riding the Waterloo bus now. Anyway, she is squealing like a pig.” Har har har (the two of them then snorted like pigs but saw no irony of course)
A neighbour asks me ever so casually if I am working (which she already knows) and then asks me where (which she also already knows since she pumps my new ‘friend’ for information and gets it. They have also both expressed their opinion on my refusal to give up my focus on this problem and my writing about it. OH…not directly to ME of course. Just to the group operating in ‘secret.’)
The library discusses how they hear it is the stress that causes it. Jimmy H. bus driver fills in one of the same men he has before who as all of them do the far box gossip session. Today’s; topic is the desire not to e-mail me as a means of contact. My Comcare co-coordinator has now had at least two meetings in Guelph to which I was not invited and about which I was not notified. I have heard that new workers are being given work event though I am not but this too is rumour mill stuff. If it is true, a reason will be found for it as there has always been a reason found that ‘explains why I get noting from them. I have also heard some other ‘reasons’ why I get nothing from them but they are different ‘reasons.’ For example; I have heard they have told others that they will not give me any work in nursing homes, after what the lovely staff (former Homewood staff to start and then spread from there) have told them about me ‘covertly.’) I have heard I have been specifically requested and the request was turned down. I have heard they said the did not know when I was home, (as the first reason for refusing work) that they needed to do a work assessment on me, as the next ‘reason’ and that after that, when I could no longer afford to pay for a phone, they are now saying it is because I have no phone) NONE of this of course, has ever been discussed with me at all, ever. I am still the object of everyone else’s assessments which cannot be confronted because I am NEVER talked to genuinely or directly by anyone. All of this is of course denied and proclaimed to be non existent. You might say of it that ‘everything and nothing are the same thing. Oh look, there is that zed-like cuteness again.
It is still being proclaimed to be ‘so sad’ but that is usually followed by a little laugh or ‘inappropriate affect’ if you like the psychological term for it) The Chief Librarian still does not want me to be told anything directly.
News Flash! OH yes and I have found out the work location of a new woman added to the mix who has been gossiping abut me at work and then has shared that with another smirking jerk of a woman on the #3 bus. She works for ….Oakwood Retirement Communities. (Aka Riverside Glen/Homewood partnership owned) with the former Homewood staff members working there too. What a coincidence huh? She is middle aged wears green and has dark brown hair straight with bangs.
Guess what else. One of the women I told you about before that I heard talking about outside the Old Quebec St. mall to another guy has been located by me too. She is a volunteer in the Homewood library! Skinny woman looks about sixty maybe and has also done some smirking with other people in my vicinity, including patients. Another Homewood connection.
I have discovered that two of the women currently gossiping about me on the bus, including calling me by name are in the medical community. One of them is an employee of Red Cross and the other works for Oakwood Retirement homes. (Riverside Glen, where some of my Homewood judges also work and feel entitled to express their contemptuous opinion.)
Bus driver Artie has recently been pointing himself in my direction while making the ‘money’ sign with his hand while talking to another. I wonder if another round of how ‘rich’ I supposedly am, is taking place now?
The skinny volunteer for the Homewood Library has spent some time smirking at me recently as well as asking others if they too intend to create a blog. The people she asks are often defined as patients, and usually they too are from the addictions division. She also talks about how hard it is too get your relatives in Homewood and this was discussed with a Library patron seeking advice from Library staff.
Jimmy H. bus driver and a man I have seen discussing this with bus drivers before are talking again at the fare box. I always have to wonder every time these people act out like this, “Is this one of the times when they believe I can see them or is it one of the times when they believe they are successfully ‘hidden’ while acting it out? It all looks the same to me.
It is said, “no one is ever going to be able to see this same way ever again.’ (I wonder what “it’ is that they think they see now?)
April 8th, 2008, a “Robert” was apparently ‘hoping for something ‘according to folks at the Library. It is also said that ‘they’ seem to think they should be able to talk about me, and say anything they want, but if she (me) says anything about them or even just repeats what they say about HER back to them, then that is a whole other story.’ (That is the way it always is with the ‘superior.’)
The residents of my new building have had another group assessment session I think. I am sure that the one at the end of the hall has also filled them in on the information she got from the regular mall crawlers and the other drinkers which are part of her life as well. Also, on April 7th, 2008, there was apparently a ‘big fight’ somewhere about this that just ‘everyone’ is talking about. An old woman also said to her friend on a bus, “he was her psychiatrist.’
Of course, since I have had so many psychiatrists I do not know which one is being referred to here nor do I know in which capacity or story the ‘he’ is being defined. I am sorry but this is all I get from my point of view ; a lot of bits and pieces which may be true, half true or completely false but which are NEVER clarified for me. I am the city wide ‘object’ of observation (item in the jargon of Dale/Edgardo’s training) after all.
Tina, Homewood employee and one of dale’s ‘soothers’ about his being accused ‘falsely’ is talking to a woman on the streets today as she walks past me she says, “Well I just don’t believe all of that!”
Also state on the streets, What until he has to tell her THAT was him! (Laughter)
Donna the gossiping tenant is quite put out that anyone would think I was so ‘special’ She likes to make nasty comments to anyone who will listen and then curse a lot. She shares all her opinions with the one who she ‘helps’ out at Save Mar, among many others. The one with the small hooked nose who gets her version of me from the woman down the hall, who gets some information to ridicule me with from my new ‘friend’ is doing her usual “Harrumph!’ bit on the bus. She did from day one but also believes she is hidden from me and only expressing her views with the other bus stop gossips. I have always known what she is like and once again this is the chicken/egg paradox. One of them says in my presence, “well maybe people would treat her better if she was a little friendlier!” This was after a mall employee told her the folks out at the mall were not very nice to her.” As usual they blame the victim for BEING a victim and that fits right in nicely with the Dale Edgardo’s ‘game’ doesn’t it?
Of course the reason I stay away from them other than to nod hello (and that is getting harder to do all the time too) is because I am reacting to what I actually now about them and not what they want to BELIEVE I know. I don’t want anything personal to do with such judges and gossips so they can screw up those hateful faces of theirs till the cows come home and that is not going to change no matter how phony they are or how many stories and opinions they like to spread. I have no intention of pretending I don’t know the real them just because they want to operate from behind the see through façade and want me to go along with pretending I cannot see them or understand them. If one of them proves to be genuine on her own, I will relate to THAT one as an individual but never to this nasty group as whole. They call my failure to join them in this a problem in me but from my pint of view I see it as a problem in those which expect me to pretend I do not know what I know. I am civil to all people but I am not going to enable this group behaviour.
One day the Workfare boys walked past me at Old Quebec St. it was Fuzzy face and the overweight one with the cap; tow out of three of the ones gossiping in 99 and on at lunch. So I decided to hand them their comment back and as they walked by I said out of the side of my mouth, “Come on lady, give it up…” Ten to one that they did not get I was doing it on purpose. They likely tough I was talking to myself and that it had nothing at all to do with them. I can’t see them or hear them a few feet away so why would it? I would have laughed right out loud but then someone would probably have called Homewood to come and ‘help’ me so I held it in.
A banker says that someone ‘at the hospital’ is saying, “I could lose my license for this.’
Heard on the street, “They still couldn’t figure it out. The police had to explain it to them.’
‘It’s in the language used. She used the same language to explain it so they could see it.’
At the library with all the assessors and observers of the city acting out for me: Today we have a collection of the gossiping twelve steppers/ Manor graduates and a host of others. There is a woman who used to be my friend who never let on she knew anything about me or what has happened here but then filled in others on here version of my reality everywhere she went including on Earl Street and some bus drivers. She sat beside the Homewood Library Volunteer who she also knows. I believe her name is “Diane.” I wonder if this is the ‘Diane’ who tells Motor mouth Marion how ‘awful I am rather than Dale’s ‘Diane.’ Well, after all, none of it is any of my business is it? On the other side of her was a guy with a goatee who she also knows and when she got up to leave her internet spot she was replaced by they guy named Kerry’ who is also one seen in deep discussion with they guy I call ‘Intrepid.’ The group of them all connected ‘knowingly’ as they kept all the Homewood ‘secrets’ from little old unconscious/stupid/unfriendly me. Not that any of this is real of course but rather just all my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations for which “treatment may well be imminent as soon as they all decide by the combination of ‘authority’ and group consensus exactly which ‘reality’ is going to be defined just how for me.
A former acquaintance who is another twelve steeper sits at an internet terminal at the library. There she puts on a performance for the guy beside her saying, while jerking her head in my direction, (drawing attention to herself) “I am going to go and sit right beside her…” to which the other idiot smirked in response and the two of them shared their little secret behaviour together. If you think this BS is hard to believe as I write about it, you should try being the ‘subject’ who has to witness it thirty times a day. Often, they are nudging and winking like morons as well but always they feel ‘concealed.’ A few feet closer though and they then believe they suddenly become visible. Then they watch for my ‘reactions’ to the group idiocy. When they don’t get one, they usually conclude I must be really stupid. Often they comment on that too.
After this one got up from her seat, she was replaced in it by a guy who has discussed me with ‘intrepid’ at the mall and who often ‘observes’ me from a few feet away. He too knew the guy sitting beside ‘the twelve stepper’ as he is one too. They did a little nudge act of their own.
The old cowboy at the mall was talking to earring man again (the one seen going into one of my nosy neighbour’s apartment who is assessing me all the time for the rest of the group. She gets direct ‘inputs’ (may as well use Dale’s jargon right?) on any details at all from my new ‘friend’ (in secret of course) and then they all get together and go for the usual group assessment. I am sure eventually they will talk long enough and assess enough to come to some extraordinary conclusions. They always do. (But hey, don’t tell me as I am the object of observation and I must not be allowed to know what all these folks are secretly up to.)
Now at the mall, the Old Cowboy and the earring man did a little assessment on my friendliness and how I did not respond to them at all and they cannot imagine why either since I will only of course know what they intend me to know and not what they don’t. Too bad I know so much more isn’t it, and that I am reacting to what I ACTUALLY know and not what other people decide for me that I know. A few minute later, Prof. Phidd is seen as usual peering around the food court to see if the usual gossips are there. The table of elderly gossiping men was not there at the time. One of the chronic loudmouthed Manor people is complaining on the bus about how she doesn’t like anybody in the city and she connects to one of the people living in my building to do it. (One that gossips at the mall all the time and then passes along everything she hears about me to other tenants as well, so they can do another assessment session on it.) Her complaint of the moment is on how so many people are ‘pretending’ to be living alone and yet are ‘really’ living with other people in housing units. The pair then uses me as the ‘example.’ This comes from their own rumours which they are having another round of in which I am alternate really ‘rich’ and pretending to be poor or have a man living with me (whom I do not know about) Some of them have decided to question me more closely abut my job and have tried to get my ‘friend’ to find out more so she can report to them. She still tries but finds me “non complaint’ about it so she then tells them I “get really mad” when she asks (which I don’t I actually just say it varies and don’t give her the information she is pumping for. Of course, I do not know about all this anyway since they are so cagy and all, and someone says, “She is supposed to be this big brain or something but I sure don’t see it.” (then they bond a bit more through mutual disdain for me, which is seen as acceptable behaviour as long as I do not know about it. (They are sure of course that I don’t.)
On the street is is said of me, “They all praise her to his face but at the same time they are attacking her and even abusing her on the streets.” A family physician’s name was mentioned on the streets in connection with me. This was not my own former doctor but one that I knew years ago when working at the answering service. Also heard, “They are changing all the programs at Homewood .”
An elderly couple on the bus points me out while stating, “they told her she was crazy.’
Thursday, April 10, 2008
They Know that I Know
When I told the nurse in Trillium, in 95, to whom I gave the form naming a next of kin, "I do not want my relatives involved in this in any way," she responded, "Oh you don't have to worry about that. I was told by staff there that my next of kin would only be used if I was either a minor or incapable of speaking on my own behalf so I ‘don’t’ need to worry about that."
I wonder which one of those was being employed by my ex –psychiatrist? I LOOK a little younger than I actually am, some say, still at 48, I don’t think I could have passed for a minor and I sure could speak for myself. In fact, it is that speaking which as being defined as my inappropriate behaviour and reactions. Not by THIS psychiatrist but by a couple of the others on this huge ‘team’ all defining my reality for me and likely some of them not bothering to share it with others either. Who knows? I am sure THEY know but since this is the usual ‘covert operation’ none are sharing their truths with stupid/crazy me.."
But don't you worry about getting caught in that because my now deceased father has told my relatives that he did not do that, that he did not even know who Brian F. is, what kind of a doctor he is, or where he is." I have that denial in writing. Instead, as usual, he had convinced them that I am just saying that to "seek attention."
But wait it gets even better. While my now late father was pretending to be ‘mystified’ bout seeing my ex psychiatrist ‘covertly’ in 96, he KNEW that I KNEW he was lying. THINK about that from my point of view and then think about him doing it. My ex psychiatrist did not have my permission to talk to either of my parents. In fact, I was very specific that I did NOT want any of my relatives brought into the mess at all and told the nurse who had me sign the forms after I was able to talk again. She assured me too that this would not happen. The reason I never give them as my next of kin is because I already KNOW how they behave even if no one else believes that.
Of course then, this behaviour on the part of my father was nothing new to either of us. What was new to me was that I did not understand that my ex-psychiatrist was going to get into the ‘covert’ ops WITH him and then cover up for HIM too. His doing so allowed all of those who were going to claim I was accusing my father ‘falsely’ to act out against me even more for saying it. This is part of the usual mechanism of this turn around, or delusional reversal, which becomes the GROUP delusional reversal as it grows.
This is how the domination game works and there is more to it still. My late father likely assured my ex-psychiatrist that I did not see him because that would be part of his getting in to deliver a ‘covert’ assessment of me and my supposed ‘mental problems.’ I had stopped playing this ‘game’ with my relatives many years before and my father in particular did not like the loss of control over me one bit. The old manipulations no longer worked for him and I just kept telling him what I wanted and what I did not want which he did not like at all. But I had already become pretty much detached form the ‘game’ even though I occasionally still attempted to get a straight forward response to issues. I NEVER got one. Of course my ex-psychiatrist does not know all of this. It is pretty hard to know my side of things when I only get to talk for a few minutes and when the psychiatrists are basically just listening for ‘complaining noises’ coming from under our metaphorical ‘hoods’ which they, like auto mechanics, use to diagnose the ‘genetic defective’s chemistry’ problem. (Tink… tink)
To my father, my ‘mental problems’ included reading Gloria Steinem and subscribing to MS. Magazine in my youthful search for a saner kind of reality. It is the reason he always addressed my mail as” P. Lefave” without a title. Ever since I changed my title to Ms. Back in the day from ‘Miss’ he refused to use one at all. I could not ‘accept’ that equality of relating with men was ‘unfeminine.’
The idea that no one OUTSIDE the system knew what my father did is also false since my father NEVER traveled alone anywhere anytime. That means whoever traveled down here with him also knew. Whomever it was who knew has also kept that ‘secret.’ My educated guess about who that was would be one of my sisters or one of his brothers. If it was my sister, it was most likely to be the elder one I think. She would not need to be talked into covering it up. She always has. Whoever it was, in any case, has also kept his or her silence about it and allowed all of the negative effects on me to continue to grow. In fact, NONE of the family now even speaks to me since I am such a horrible daughter/sister ‘whining and complaining’ and accusing them ‘falsely.’ None of them have responded to anything in any way ever since. If you ask them why they will find a reason to justify themselves and you can count on it. I do.
Now as long as none of these people admit to anything, no one else involved has to either. Since they don’t, all their stories they fabricate to justify themselves will then become my new ‘reality.’ So fifteen years alter, I remain the object of observation and assessment for the community as a whole, all of it still being treated like a CIA type ‘covert operation’ and my awareness of all of it treated as ‘paranoid delusions’ by all of those who ‘fail to see what is right in front of them’ as Dale’s training jargon tells us. (Smirk)
Because I am then seen as so stupid, crazy and unaware, the general population then feels free to discuss everything they hear or make up about it right in front of me like I am not there since as many of them state: “Don’t worry she is not going to have any idea what we are talking about anyway.”
And that you ‘suckers’ (as it is said by the Columbia professor regarding Dale’s ‘game’ put it,) is how reality gets ‘split’ and then recreated as something other than what “It is.”
I wonder which one of those was being employed by my ex –psychiatrist? I LOOK a little younger than I actually am, some say, still at 48, I don’t think I could have passed for a minor and I sure could speak for myself. In fact, it is that speaking which as being defined as my inappropriate behaviour and reactions. Not by THIS psychiatrist but by a couple of the others on this huge ‘team’ all defining my reality for me and likely some of them not bothering to share it with others either. Who knows? I am sure THEY know but since this is the usual ‘covert operation’ none are sharing their truths with stupid/crazy me.."
But don't you worry about getting caught in that because my now deceased father has told my relatives that he did not do that, that he did not even know who Brian F. is, what kind of a doctor he is, or where he is." I have that denial in writing. Instead, as usual, he had convinced them that I am just saying that to "seek attention."
But wait it gets even better. While my now late father was pretending to be ‘mystified’ bout seeing my ex psychiatrist ‘covertly’ in 96, he KNEW that I KNEW he was lying. THINK about that from my point of view and then think about him doing it. My ex psychiatrist did not have my permission to talk to either of my parents. In fact, I was very specific that I did NOT want any of my relatives brought into the mess at all and told the nurse who had me sign the forms after I was able to talk again. She assured me too that this would not happen. The reason I never give them as my next of kin is because I already KNOW how they behave even if no one else believes that.
Of course then, this behaviour on the part of my father was nothing new to either of us. What was new to me was that I did not understand that my ex-psychiatrist was going to get into the ‘covert’ ops WITH him and then cover up for HIM too. His doing so allowed all of those who were going to claim I was accusing my father ‘falsely’ to act out against me even more for saying it. This is part of the usual mechanism of this turn around, or delusional reversal, which becomes the GROUP delusional reversal as it grows.
This is how the domination game works and there is more to it still. My late father likely assured my ex-psychiatrist that I did not see him because that would be part of his getting in to deliver a ‘covert’ assessment of me and my supposed ‘mental problems.’ I had stopped playing this ‘game’ with my relatives many years before and my father in particular did not like the loss of control over me one bit. The old manipulations no longer worked for him and I just kept telling him what I wanted and what I did not want which he did not like at all. But I had already become pretty much detached form the ‘game’ even though I occasionally still attempted to get a straight forward response to issues. I NEVER got one. Of course my ex-psychiatrist does not know all of this. It is pretty hard to know my side of things when I only get to talk for a few minutes and when the psychiatrists are basically just listening for ‘complaining noises’ coming from under our metaphorical ‘hoods’ which they, like auto mechanics, use to diagnose the ‘genetic defective’s chemistry’ problem. (Tink… tink)
To my father, my ‘mental problems’ included reading Gloria Steinem and subscribing to MS. Magazine in my youthful search for a saner kind of reality. It is the reason he always addressed my mail as” P. Lefave” without a title. Ever since I changed my title to Ms. Back in the day from ‘Miss’ he refused to use one at all. I could not ‘accept’ that equality of relating with men was ‘unfeminine.’
The idea that no one OUTSIDE the system knew what my father did is also false since my father NEVER traveled alone anywhere anytime. That means whoever traveled down here with him also knew. Whomever it was who knew has also kept that ‘secret.’ My educated guess about who that was would be one of my sisters or one of his brothers. If it was my sister, it was most likely to be the elder one I think. She would not need to be talked into covering it up. She always has. Whoever it was, in any case, has also kept his or her silence about it and allowed all of the negative effects on me to continue to grow. In fact, NONE of the family now even speaks to me since I am such a horrible daughter/sister ‘whining and complaining’ and accusing them ‘falsely.’ None of them have responded to anything in any way ever since. If you ask them why they will find a reason to justify themselves and you can count on it. I do.
Now as long as none of these people admit to anything, no one else involved has to either. Since they don’t, all their stories they fabricate to justify themselves will then become my new ‘reality.’ So fifteen years alter, I remain the object of observation and assessment for the community as a whole, all of it still being treated like a CIA type ‘covert operation’ and my awareness of all of it treated as ‘paranoid delusions’ by all of those who ‘fail to see what is right in front of them’ as Dale’s training jargon tells us. (Smirk)
Because I am then seen as so stupid, crazy and unaware, the general population then feels free to discuss everything they hear or make up about it right in front of me like I am not there since as many of them state: “Don’t worry she is not going to have any idea what we are talking about anyway.”
And that you ‘suckers’ (as it is said by the Columbia professor regarding Dale’s ‘game’ put it,) is how reality gets ‘split’ and then recreated as something other than what “It is.”
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
A Few Excerpts from: The Best Of Est?
Werner Erhard's legacy lives on in a kinder, gentler and lucrative version of his self-help seminars
Time Magazine/March 16, 1998
By Charlotte Faltermayer
When Werner Erhard (born John Paul Rosenberg) founded Erhard Seminars Training, Inc. in 1971, the former used-car salesman from Philadelphia had a hook. Born of the theater-of-the-absurd …( this phrase was used by Dale as he asked me if I had ever read “Waiting for Godot” in one of those talks we had without any witnesses. PL)
atmosphere of the late 1960s, est (Latin for "it is") promised to help people get "it," whatever "it" was. ..
(What ‘it’ is depends upon your perspective on “it.” What you believe is happening also depends upon from where you see the START of the action, as is demonstrated inside the ‘training’ which Dale took and publicly admits to taking. PL)
…Unlike Erhard, est is still around--sort of. In 1991, before he left the U.S. , Erhard sold the "technology" behind his seminars to his employees, who formed a new company called the Landmark Education Corp., with Erhard's brother Harry Rosenberg at the helm. Rosenberg admits that Erhard was in Toronto briefly last June for a family reunion, but will not elaborate
But he has proved to be an able keeper of his brother's legacy. Landmark appears to be thriving. At its core is a four-part "Curriculum for Living," which starts with a 3 1/2-day seminar called the Forum and proceeds to courses that expand upon its brand of enlightenment. Since 1991, approximately 300,000 mostly professional and well-educated seekers have taken the introductory Forum (an estimated 700,000 took Erhard-era seminars). Revenues, which had been averaging $34 million annually, hit $48 million in 1997, with profits approaching 4%. Landmark is becoming a global brand name, with 42 offices in 11 countries, including a well-appointed San Francisco headquarters. Says Rosenberg : "If we were doing a bad job, we wouldn't have the growth that we have."
(Value judgment required here.PL)
The secret of its success? Landmark lacks est's showcase celebrity following, but its programs are not as costly (tuition is down some 50% from Erhard days); they are not as lengthy (the basic course was originally spread over two weekends); and--most important--they are less in-your-face, nearly devoid of the shouting and door monitoring imposed by est's stern trainers. Says a former estie
(Dales’ self definition in writing to me used when I asked him what he was doing and what , if anything, he wanted PL)
who attended a 1997 Forum: "est was much more militant.
(When information is pulled out of something or the true starting point is no longer seen, what something is can become irresolvable and improvable as well can’t it? PL)
You had to have a doctor's note just to go to the bathroom. People humiliated themselves for it. est tried to break you. Landmark doesn't do that." …
At a recent Forum weekend in a nondescript room on Manhattan 's East Side , 52 men and 47 women gathered for a variety of reasons. The meek sought a voice; the proud, humbling; the lonely, companionship.
(Or it could be the opposite of this too couldn’t it? “it is about domination.” PL )
All had signed a form stating that they are mentally and physically well. … The Forum started promptly at 9 on a Friday morning, when a svelte, spiky-haired woman named Beth Handel walked in and introduced herself as the Forum leader. The Forum, she said, is a game called transformation. Like every other game, it calls for good sportsmanship. One should be "coachable," or open-minded about the Forum's concepts, and committed to "forwarding the action." The name of the game is participation or, more specifically, "sharing," which was to take place at three microphones. The weekend, Handel warned, will be "an emotional roller-coaster ride."
(Do you noticed the similarity to ‘mental illness’ speak as performed by the professionals? PL )
..Handel, 39, then drew diagrams on a blackboard as she held forth on a series of concepts: facts have no meaning; it is the stories we concoct out of those facts that give them meaning.
(Actually facts DO have meaning but concepts apart from concrete facts do not. However the ‘stories’ concocted by the participants here in my fascinating case are what gave the meaning to them that I was a mental case if I thought this happened at Dale’s direction. PL)
… She cautioned that Landmark's ideas ("Be for each other like that" and "People 'is' to death") aren't meant to fit together: "The Forum is holographic. It's not linear."
(In other words it transcends space/time PL)
… For Richard Giordanella, 49, a software executive, the Forum was enough: "I'm still high on the Forum's main message, that my life is in my control. But I can do without the narcotic effect of their reinforcement."
(No one has total control over their life. No one. To believe that one does is to by into an illusion. In my own opinion, that is what is being ‘sold’ here PL )
Others, though, are hooked.
…Critics say Landmark is an elaborate marketing game that relies heavily on volunteers. Says Tom Johnson, an "exit counselor" often summoned by concerned parents to tend to alumni: "They tire your brain; they make you vulnerable." Says critic Liz Sumerlin: "The participants end up becoming recruiters. That's the whole purpose." Psychiatrists who speak on Landmark's behalf dispute these claims. But Sumerlin says a 1993 Forum turned her fiance (now her ex) into a robot.
*(Interesting isn’t it that so many of the psychiatrized say that talking to psychiatrists is like talking to robots. I have called the one sided conversations like talking to automatons programmed to operate like stimulus /response machines. I don’t think this should be all that surprising though since what they want it to control those ‘others’ whom they see as less than human, meaning less than THEM and therefore subject to their ‘justifiable’ control. PL)
She organized an anti-Landmark hot line and publications clearinghouse. Landmark officials made sounds to sue her.
(I don’t understand. Why would they need to do that? If everything and nothing are the same thing, why would anything bother the Landmark people? Also are they not totally responsible for everything that happens to them? If so, shouldn’t they just be accepting anything from that frame of reference? Isn’t it said by them that there is no right or wrong; it is all just about changing your point of view, or perspective on that? Don’t the experts know how to do that better than anyone? PL )
Landmark alumnus Walter Plywaski, a Colorado electronics engineer who took on the company after his daughter ran up a $3,000 tab on courses, thinks Erhard is still pulling the strings. Says he: "Erhard is like the Cheshire Cat.
(A reference to Alice in Wonderland, a story to which we nuts often compare our experience of groups including the psychiatric profession itself.PL)
He has gone away, but the smile is there, hanging over everything." … Indeed, the transformation has been such a success that it was the subject of a recent case study by the Harvard Business School . According to the study's co-author, Karen Wruck, the product that Landmark sells is "an abrupt or jarring change, like an 'aha'"--a "peculiar" one, certainly, but patently marketable.
--With Reporting by Richard Woodbury / San Francisco
To see more documents/articles regarding this group/organization/subject click here.
''We're Gonna Tear You Down and Put You Back Together"
Est is no ordinary California cult. It is a multimillion dollar corporation ... It boasts a President who taught at Harvard Business School and left the ...www.rickross.com/reference/est/estpt8.html - 45k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Case in Point
Landmark is a Werner Erhard/est spinoff that has found quite an audience with the ... Harvard and Landmark also say that the case does ''not in any way ...www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark50.html - 3k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
True Believers
Est, an intense self-improvement seminar founded in 1971, became wildly popular in .... We need to be roaming around the halls of Harvard Medical School, ...www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark74.html - 19k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Reflecting on an era
He changed his name to Werner Erhard and began promoting "EST," for "Erhard .... In the early 1960s, as an assistant professor of psychology at Harvard, ...www.rickross.com/reference/general/general558.html - 14k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Time Magazine/March 16, 1998
By Charlotte Faltermayer
When Werner Erhard (born John Paul Rosenberg) founded Erhard Seminars Training, Inc. in 1971, the former used-car salesman from Philadelphia had a hook. Born of the theater-of-the-absurd …( this phrase was used by Dale as he asked me if I had ever read “Waiting for Godot” in one of those talks we had without any witnesses. PL)
atmosphere of the late 1960s, est (Latin for "it is") promised to help people get "it," whatever "it" was. ..
(What ‘it’ is depends upon your perspective on “it.” What you believe is happening also depends upon from where you see the START of the action, as is demonstrated inside the ‘training’ which Dale took and publicly admits to taking. PL)
…Unlike Erhard, est is still around--sort of. In 1991, before he left the U.S. , Erhard sold the "technology" behind his seminars to his employees, who formed a new company called the Landmark Education Corp., with Erhard's brother Harry Rosenberg at the helm. Rosenberg admits that Erhard was in Toronto briefly last June for a family reunion, but will not elaborate
But he has proved to be an able keeper of his brother's legacy. Landmark appears to be thriving. At its core is a four-part "Curriculum for Living," which starts with a 3 1/2-day seminar called the Forum and proceeds to courses that expand upon its brand of enlightenment. Since 1991, approximately 300,000 mostly professional and well-educated seekers have taken the introductory Forum (an estimated 700,000 took Erhard-era seminars). Revenues, which had been averaging $34 million annually, hit $48 million in 1997, with profits approaching 4%. Landmark is becoming a global brand name, with 42 offices in 11 countries, including a well-appointed San Francisco headquarters. Says Rosenberg : "If we were doing a bad job, we wouldn't have the growth that we have."
(Value judgment required here.PL)
The secret of its success? Landmark lacks est's showcase celebrity following, but its programs are not as costly (tuition is down some 50% from Erhard days); they are not as lengthy (the basic course was originally spread over two weekends); and--most important--they are less in-your-face, nearly devoid of the shouting and door monitoring imposed by est's stern trainers. Says a former estie
(Dales’ self definition in writing to me used when I asked him what he was doing and what , if anything, he wanted PL)
who attended a 1997 Forum: "est was much more militant.
(When information is pulled out of something or the true starting point is no longer seen, what something is can become irresolvable and improvable as well can’t it? PL)
You had to have a doctor's note just to go to the bathroom. People humiliated themselves for it. est tried to break you. Landmark doesn't do that." …
At a recent Forum weekend in a nondescript room on Manhattan 's East Side , 52 men and 47 women gathered for a variety of reasons. The meek sought a voice; the proud, humbling; the lonely, companionship.
(Or it could be the opposite of this too couldn’t it? “it is about domination.” PL )
All had signed a form stating that they are mentally and physically well. … The Forum started promptly at 9 on a Friday morning, when a svelte, spiky-haired woman named Beth Handel walked in and introduced herself as the Forum leader. The Forum, she said, is a game called transformation. Like every other game, it calls for good sportsmanship. One should be "coachable," or open-minded about the Forum's concepts, and committed to "forwarding the action." The name of the game is participation or, more specifically, "sharing," which was to take place at three microphones. The weekend, Handel warned, will be "an emotional roller-coaster ride."
(Do you noticed the similarity to ‘mental illness’ speak as performed by the professionals? PL )
..Handel, 39, then drew diagrams on a blackboard as she held forth on a series of concepts: facts have no meaning; it is the stories we concoct out of those facts that give them meaning.
(Actually facts DO have meaning but concepts apart from concrete facts do not. However the ‘stories’ concocted by the participants here in my fascinating case are what gave the meaning to them that I was a mental case if I thought this happened at Dale’s direction. PL)
… She cautioned that Landmark's ideas ("Be for each other like that" and "People 'is' to death") aren't meant to fit together: "The Forum is holographic. It's not linear."
(In other words it transcends space/time PL)
… For Richard Giordanella, 49, a software executive, the Forum was enough: "I'm still high on the Forum's main message, that my life is in my control. But I can do without the narcotic effect of their reinforcement."
(No one has total control over their life. No one. To believe that one does is to by into an illusion. In my own opinion, that is what is being ‘sold’ here PL )
Others, though, are hooked.
…Critics say Landmark is an elaborate marketing game that relies heavily on volunteers. Says Tom Johnson, an "exit counselor" often summoned by concerned parents to tend to alumni: "They tire your brain; they make you vulnerable." Says critic Liz Sumerlin: "The participants end up becoming recruiters. That's the whole purpose." Psychiatrists who speak on Landmark's behalf dispute these claims. But Sumerlin says a 1993 Forum turned her fiance (now her ex) into a robot.
*(Interesting isn’t it that so many of the psychiatrized say that talking to psychiatrists is like talking to robots. I have called the one sided conversations like talking to automatons programmed to operate like stimulus /response machines. I don’t think this should be all that surprising though since what they want it to control those ‘others’ whom they see as less than human, meaning less than THEM and therefore subject to their ‘justifiable’ control. PL)
She organized an anti-Landmark hot line and publications clearinghouse. Landmark officials made sounds to sue her.
(I don’t understand. Why would they need to do that? If everything and nothing are the same thing, why would anything bother the Landmark people? Also are they not totally responsible for everything that happens to them? If so, shouldn’t they just be accepting anything from that frame of reference? Isn’t it said by them that there is no right or wrong; it is all just about changing your point of view, or perspective on that? Don’t the experts know how to do that better than anyone? PL )
Landmark alumnus Walter Plywaski, a Colorado electronics engineer who took on the company after his daughter ran up a $3,000 tab on courses, thinks Erhard is still pulling the strings. Says he: "Erhard is like the Cheshire Cat.
(A reference to Alice in Wonderland, a story to which we nuts often compare our experience of groups including the psychiatric profession itself.PL)
He has gone away, but the smile is there, hanging over everything." … Indeed, the transformation has been such a success that it was the subject of a recent case study by the Harvard Business School . According to the study's co-author, Karen Wruck, the product that Landmark sells is "an abrupt or jarring change, like an 'aha'"--a "peculiar" one, certainly, but patently marketable.
--With Reporting by Richard Woodbury / San Francisco
To see more documents/articles regarding this group/organization/subject click here.
''We're Gonna Tear You Down and Put You Back Together"
Est is no ordinary California cult. It is a multimillion dollar corporation ... It boasts a President who taught at Harvard Business School and left the ...www.rickross.com/reference/est/estpt8.html - 45k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Case in Point
Landmark is a Werner Erhard/est spinoff that has found quite an audience with the ... Harvard and Landmark also say that the case does ''not in any way ...www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark50.html - 3k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
True Believers
Est, an intense self-improvement seminar founded in 1971, became wildly popular in .... We need to be roaming around the halls of Harvard Medical School, ...www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark74.html - 19k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Reflecting on an era
He changed his name to Werner Erhard and began promoting "EST," for "Erhard .... In the early 1960s, as an assistant professor of psychology at Harvard, ...www.rickross.com/reference/general/general558.html - 14k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this
Thursday, April 03, 2008
End of the March Madness, 2008
“The cop says there is no reason in it at all.’‘
( a correct statement) what the person saying this and the person hearing this think it means though will depend on WHICH version of reality they are attaching it to. For example, if the person believes hat I am the ‘source’ of the problem, he will think that ‘cop’ means I have no reason for my behaviour regarding Dale. If on the other hand, the person believes that Dale was doing what he was, in fact, doing, or that what he was doing was his ‘game’ plan, which is done by being ‘unreasonable,’ (as is said within it) then the person stating or hearing this will state/hear it in relation to that premise.
Since all of this is language of the abstract nexus of meaning, one can never be sure if what you mean and what is HEARD or believed is the same thing. You would have to clarify that by connecting each remark to a concrete fact to show a clear difference. If not. Everyone assumes they know what is meant based on their own beliefs and the fabricated stories they have all added to the mess. Of course, game boy knows this will happen since he had already seen it inside his own training. This is what it is all about.
Someone says “Every time she tried to get help from them, they knocked her down again. “
Heard on the streets: “Now she can explain to her why he abandoned her eight years ago.’ (In 2000?) I wonder which one of the ‘hims’ they are referring to there? So many non communicating ‘hims’ to choose from in this)
Friday March 28th: A man about sixtyish rides around on the bus with Artie one of our star gossips, he stands at the fare box, just as all the female gossips do, getting all the latest. He had brown hair (mainly) glasses and a purple jacket with a wide blue stripe across the shoulders and a similar patch under the armpits. Time was, it was Norm M. or Wayne P. who were the biggest sources of the gossiping bus drivers (not counting Earl of course who did not do it over the bus radio like the others but did supply more information coming out of Homewood) ) but now I would have to say with the exception of the gray haired guy with the limp (who I have not actually seen for awhile) it would have to be Artie that keeps everyone informed the best and they all keep passing all the information they get from Homewood and elsewhere back to him. He in turn keeps many passengers informed and they like to turn around and look at me while they gossip.
“Students say: “She is mad at the doctor.”
A woman who was part of my experience in T2 in 95 looks me right in the face and she appears pained by it. Perhaps she is remembering some of the abuse I endured while in there. No doubt they all believe as is commonly desired that I was (as one patient put it only more colourfully) Too f….ar gone to have any idea that they were talking about me.’ (I was surrounded by an endless supply of geniuses assessing my awareness for me and in fact, in many ways I still am aren’t I? A drug store worker who has been discussing me for years with others walks past me and ignores me after the latest round of community assessment based on the rumour mill. Tim (an ACTor) has another round of discussion with the Shoe Guy. The big lump with the Buster Brown hair-do and the back pack who wondered with others if I was really female or not pretends he doesn’t know me from Eve when he sits down right beside me. This is all part of the ‘normies’ ‘now you see them, now you don’t’ routine.
The folks down at the Dominion building, some the same ‘strangers’ I told Homewood were ‘talking about me’ long ago when I did not know who they were) discuss my personality and my mental health as defined for them by all those with an opinion on it and they are still growing in numbers in order to keep on top of my reality FOR me. Of course, I am not included in this assessment and I never really was. Check with those clerking out front for all the latest in opinions from the back. The work fare team, also involved sine at least 99 that I am aware of, will offer have an opinion to offer if you ask them. They can fill you in on the amusement from back in 99 at the Eaton Centre too.
Two twenty-somethings at the library, don’t like me at all which is an opinion shared by Motormouth Marion. As the observe me together they also add, “She is French too.’
Kerry R. Homewood graduate (apparently) is trying to get a job here and has discussed me with Intrepid at the Mall. Say, did I even mention that Intrepid has also been seen with that gray haired guy who works in the library in the basement. Don’t let me find out abut it now as this is all still a very big covert action. If you suspect I may know something, just have Brian Furlong at Homewood or someone just like him suggest these are just more of my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations coming out again, then that will give him (or anyone like him) legitimate cause to fry my brains for me to make me forget. They really DO want me to ‘forget and get on with my life’ you know so that THEY can continue to smell like the proverbial roses they imagine themselves to be. You know, I think it may well be time for Ed Perez to give us another round of rousing speeches on ethics and integrity don’t you? Then we will all get Steve Abdool to explain it to us uneducated hicks, preferably in monosyllabic language.
I heard that allegedly Bill Winegard says, ‘they did not want them to know they were behaving that way so they covered it up.’ I don’t know of course if this is true so maybe you could ask him when you see him.
Many think this is all ‘very sad’ but also others think it is also sooooo funny…har har; especially that part about making her believe he was in love with her and THEN making ‘him’ believe that she was in love with him!” har har…
Sat. March 29th/08
Library: Now D. from the Matrix building who also uses the word processor once again discusses the latest with another female ‘consumer’ one who also discusses me with another male ‘consumer’ (one less than thrilled with the system) “D.” has lots of opinions about what is wrong with his fellow tenants also as he considers himself to be a ‘superior’ one who understands more. This allows him of course to understand me better than I understand myself and therefore he can evaluate me and also my writing for others. Of course he doesn’t actually know me but he doesn’t have to as he has heard all the rumours which is hard to do since they don’t really exist. But then, I guess that is why he has been psychiatrized himself right? It is his in ability to perceive reality, even though he is sure he does…getting too circular for you? Of course like many Homewood nurses in this, D. is sure I don’t understand him. He has acted out for me at least four times in my presence. To back up his opinion today, (“she won’t let it go”) he fills in this female ‘consumer’ on what Ian has to say about it. I imagine “Ian’ would be the Homewood consumer who allegedly has expressed his opinion of me many times, including the time he acted out for me with a buddy in front of Capistrano’s, his eyes glowing with amusement and the inevitable little smirk on his face which no doubt he was sure I could not see. I wonder if Ian is connecting this to his own experience of believing ‘people were looking amused by his distress when he was psychiatrized for such ‘delusions.’ I wonder if he sees the absurdity in what he is now doing by playing the opposite role and then denying it? Apparently, “Ian’ told D. here that it was all just supposed to be a ‘joke’ like the ‘joke’ it is defined to be in Dale’s training: “Life is a joke; it’s a game’ . Why. I believe I already TOLD them all of this long before I broke down and in fact, the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3, already know that too. They claimed there was nothing happening at `all, so how can it all be just a ‘joke’ now? What has changed?
I have now discovered the identity of a brown complexioned man who has joined others on the bus jerking his head in my direction and making comments. He was a ‘stranger’ to me too, and still is really except that I see ‘connections’ to him that the more ‘normal’ people assessing me and evaluating me all day do NOT see.
I recently discovered where he works which is in the evening at No Frills, Willow West in the produce section.
Now last week, as I was at the bus stop across from the mall one of my new neighbours from upstairs approached me. Motor mouth Marion, A Homewood volunteer who in the past has pumped patients for information and then shared what she got with bus drivers and other bus passengers has already expressed her hostile opinion of me with this neighbour. Of course, this neighbour has already heard this from her own neighbours who have added to the old stories with misinformation supplied to them by some of my new neighbours and their visitors. On this day, this upstairs neighbour told me that her wrist was hurting her from carrying her bag. When I offered to carry it for her, she said, “I can’t because if I give it to you I will never get it back.’ No doubt she had drawn this conclusion from the building slander which has included the suggestion that I am a thief and stole someone’s meals and a ‘swiffer’ since my floor is so clean. I have heard that too, over and over again, in and around the building. The clean floor information as supplied by my new friend, who passes any information she gets along to the primary gossip at the other end of the hall, who in turn passes it to the guy with the earring who is a regular at the mall, who in turn passes that along to the usual group who pass it all along to the cleaners and to the seniors who pass it along to Prof. Phidd and vice versa. I have also seen tow of this group informing bus drivers on the route out there of all the latest they get from all the mall gossips.
All of this I am told of course does not exist either. I only ‘think’ it does because I am paranoid and delusional, which has also been passed along through the building by my new ‘friend.’
My ‘friend’ is the one who agreed not to talk about my personal business there as in return I will do the same for her. So far, I have kept my part of the bargain, however, I wonder if I shouldn’t perhaps tell the same people what she has told me and offer my personal assessment of her mental condition to see if we can come to some consensus opinion on that. I am sure I would be considered to be much friendlier and more normal if I did. I would sure fit in better.
Saw Paul from the Homewood kitchen at the food court last Sunday. Wonder if he has offered any assessments? The same day I saw the regular ‘earring’ guy who I have also seen entering one of my new neighbours apartments. She is the one at the other end of the hall who is regularly pumping my new ‘friend.’ No doubt, he takes whatever crap he gets there back out to the mall to share with the same group of gossips as always along with some new ‘interpretations’ of my home life and movements. This gossiping neighbour has also interviewed my next door neighbours for information. “Does she ever listen to music or anything?” This one doing the interviewing is the type we in the Homecare business refer to in these buildings as ‘the Hall Monitors.’ They are always out in the hall checking on everyone else’s visitors and business or hanging around the entries to see who is who and were are they going and then they take all the tidbits to the coffee klatch in the am. All the Housing buildings have their share of these ones and these ones are also the ones who tend to watch the front hall cameras in the buildings that have them as if they were a reality TV show. When they see someone coming in, they pop out into the hall, act casual and friendly and make note of exactly where these people are going and who they are seeing so they can report that at the next debriefing session know as ‘socializing.’ Tenants tell us support workers and nurses that if you don’t go and do it with them, then YOU are the one they talk about. All of this of course is not accepted as ‘reality’ by the folks in the mental health profession. After all, this would not be reasonable behaviour on the part of tenants; therefore, it must be the imagination of the psychiatrized tenants who are on the receiving end of it. Often, complaining of this group behaviour can get you another assessment session with your psychiatrist. Of course all he can hear is your paranoia as he has been trained so well to ‘interpret’ your experience for you.
My new friend had informed the neighbours that I found the truth about Dale’s ‘game’ in a book. Of course, I think they then evaluate my delusions for me using my ‘belief’ that what happened to me CAN be found in a book that spells it out. (Aren’t I amusing in my madness?) This is typical of the standard of judgments used on the labeled by the unlabelled. Everything we say once labeled gets interpreted by virtually everyone in terms of ‘pathology.’ In other words, they make our experience ‘fit’ into their beliefs.
If you can’t find earring man at the mall, look for aboriginal man or the old cowboy and pump them. They all share the same stories together while believing themselves ‘hidden.’ They still point me out to new people added to all the rest of the gossips while frequently announcing the usual, “there she is!” That was just done last Sunday by earring man. “That’s her,” he announced to the group and all five of them focused on my face together, no doubt certain that I could see them as they are, as always. Soon, the table wiper joined them for hearing all the latest piece of crap. She then usually passes it all along to a table of seniors. The ‘new’ cowboy, (who gets his news of me from Donna the gossiping tenant from 387, where he too lives along with “mike’ who keeps the bus drivers updated) now worked out at the mall too. It has become a full circle of gossip mongering you might say.
Next Post: the April Fools
( a correct statement) what the person saying this and the person hearing this think it means though will depend on WHICH version of reality they are attaching it to. For example, if the person believes hat I am the ‘source’ of the problem, he will think that ‘cop’ means I have no reason for my behaviour regarding Dale. If on the other hand, the person believes that Dale was doing what he was, in fact, doing, or that what he was doing was his ‘game’ plan, which is done by being ‘unreasonable,’ (as is said within it) then the person stating or hearing this will state/hear it in relation to that premise.
Since all of this is language of the abstract nexus of meaning, one can never be sure if what you mean and what is HEARD or believed is the same thing. You would have to clarify that by connecting each remark to a concrete fact to show a clear difference. If not. Everyone assumes they know what is meant based on their own beliefs and the fabricated stories they have all added to the mess. Of course, game boy knows this will happen since he had already seen it inside his own training. This is what it is all about.
Someone says “Every time she tried to get help from them, they knocked her down again. “
Heard on the streets: “Now she can explain to her why he abandoned her eight years ago.’ (In 2000?) I wonder which one of the ‘hims’ they are referring to there? So many non communicating ‘hims’ to choose from in this)
Friday March 28th: A man about sixtyish rides around on the bus with Artie one of our star gossips, he stands at the fare box, just as all the female gossips do, getting all the latest. He had brown hair (mainly) glasses and a purple jacket with a wide blue stripe across the shoulders and a similar patch under the armpits. Time was, it was Norm M. or Wayne P. who were the biggest sources of the gossiping bus drivers (not counting Earl of course who did not do it over the bus radio like the others but did supply more information coming out of Homewood) ) but now I would have to say with the exception of the gray haired guy with the limp (who I have not actually seen for awhile) it would have to be Artie that keeps everyone informed the best and they all keep passing all the information they get from Homewood and elsewhere back to him. He in turn keeps many passengers informed and they like to turn around and look at me while they gossip.
“Students say: “She is mad at the doctor.”
A woman who was part of my experience in T2 in 95 looks me right in the face and she appears pained by it. Perhaps she is remembering some of the abuse I endured while in there. No doubt they all believe as is commonly desired that I was (as one patient put it only more colourfully) Too f….ar gone to have any idea that they were talking about me.’ (I was surrounded by an endless supply of geniuses assessing my awareness for me and in fact, in many ways I still am aren’t I? A drug store worker who has been discussing me for years with others walks past me and ignores me after the latest round of community assessment based on the rumour mill. Tim (an ACTor) has another round of discussion with the Shoe Guy. The big lump with the Buster Brown hair-do and the back pack who wondered with others if I was really female or not pretends he doesn’t know me from Eve when he sits down right beside me. This is all part of the ‘normies’ ‘now you see them, now you don’t’ routine.
The folks down at the Dominion building, some the same ‘strangers’ I told Homewood were ‘talking about me’ long ago when I did not know who they were) discuss my personality and my mental health as defined for them by all those with an opinion on it and they are still growing in numbers in order to keep on top of my reality FOR me. Of course, I am not included in this assessment and I never really was. Check with those clerking out front for all the latest in opinions from the back. The work fare team, also involved sine at least 99 that I am aware of, will offer have an opinion to offer if you ask them. They can fill you in on the amusement from back in 99 at the Eaton Centre too.
Two twenty-somethings at the library, don’t like me at all which is an opinion shared by Motormouth Marion. As the observe me together they also add, “She is French too.’
Kerry R. Homewood graduate (apparently) is trying to get a job here and has discussed me with Intrepid at the Mall. Say, did I even mention that Intrepid has also been seen with that gray haired guy who works in the library in the basement. Don’t let me find out abut it now as this is all still a very big covert action. If you suspect I may know something, just have Brian Furlong at Homewood or someone just like him suggest these are just more of my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations coming out again, then that will give him (or anyone like him) legitimate cause to fry my brains for me to make me forget. They really DO want me to ‘forget and get on with my life’ you know so that THEY can continue to smell like the proverbial roses they imagine themselves to be. You know, I think it may well be time for Ed Perez to give us another round of rousing speeches on ethics and integrity don’t you? Then we will all get Steve Abdool to explain it to us uneducated hicks, preferably in monosyllabic language.
I heard that allegedly Bill Winegard says, ‘they did not want them to know they were behaving that way so they covered it up.’ I don’t know of course if this is true so maybe you could ask him when you see him.
Many think this is all ‘very sad’ but also others think it is also sooooo funny…har har; especially that part about making her believe he was in love with her and THEN making ‘him’ believe that she was in love with him!” har har…
Sat. March 29th/08
Library: Now D. from the Matrix building who also uses the word processor once again discusses the latest with another female ‘consumer’ one who also discusses me with another male ‘consumer’ (one less than thrilled with the system) “D.” has lots of opinions about what is wrong with his fellow tenants also as he considers himself to be a ‘superior’ one who understands more. This allows him of course to understand me better than I understand myself and therefore he can evaluate me and also my writing for others. Of course he doesn’t actually know me but he doesn’t have to as he has heard all the rumours which is hard to do since they don’t really exist. But then, I guess that is why he has been psychiatrized himself right? It is his in ability to perceive reality, even though he is sure he does…getting too circular for you? Of course like many Homewood nurses in this, D. is sure I don’t understand him. He has acted out for me at least four times in my presence. To back up his opinion today, (“she won’t let it go”) he fills in this female ‘consumer’ on what Ian has to say about it. I imagine “Ian’ would be the Homewood consumer who allegedly has expressed his opinion of me many times, including the time he acted out for me with a buddy in front of Capistrano’s, his eyes glowing with amusement and the inevitable little smirk on his face which no doubt he was sure I could not see. I wonder if Ian is connecting this to his own experience of believing ‘people were looking amused by his distress when he was psychiatrized for such ‘delusions.’ I wonder if he sees the absurdity in what he is now doing by playing the opposite role and then denying it? Apparently, “Ian’ told D. here that it was all just supposed to be a ‘joke’ like the ‘joke’ it is defined to be in Dale’s training: “Life is a joke; it’s a game’ . Why. I believe I already TOLD them all of this long before I broke down and in fact, the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3, already know that too. They claimed there was nothing happening at `all, so how can it all be just a ‘joke’ now? What has changed?
I have now discovered the identity of a brown complexioned man who has joined others on the bus jerking his head in my direction and making comments. He was a ‘stranger’ to me too, and still is really except that I see ‘connections’ to him that the more ‘normal’ people assessing me and evaluating me all day do NOT see.
I recently discovered where he works which is in the evening at No Frills, Willow West in the produce section.
Now last week, as I was at the bus stop across from the mall one of my new neighbours from upstairs approached me. Motor mouth Marion, A Homewood volunteer who in the past has pumped patients for information and then shared what she got with bus drivers and other bus passengers has already expressed her hostile opinion of me with this neighbour. Of course, this neighbour has already heard this from her own neighbours who have added to the old stories with misinformation supplied to them by some of my new neighbours and their visitors. On this day, this upstairs neighbour told me that her wrist was hurting her from carrying her bag. When I offered to carry it for her, she said, “I can’t because if I give it to you I will never get it back.’ No doubt she had drawn this conclusion from the building slander which has included the suggestion that I am a thief and stole someone’s meals and a ‘swiffer’ since my floor is so clean. I have heard that too, over and over again, in and around the building. The clean floor information as supplied by my new friend, who passes any information she gets along to the primary gossip at the other end of the hall, who in turn passes it to the guy with the earring who is a regular at the mall, who in turn passes that along to the usual group who pass it all along to the cleaners and to the seniors who pass it along to Prof. Phidd and vice versa. I have also seen tow of this group informing bus drivers on the route out there of all the latest they get from all the mall gossips.
All of this I am told of course does not exist either. I only ‘think’ it does because I am paranoid and delusional, which has also been passed along through the building by my new ‘friend.’
My ‘friend’ is the one who agreed not to talk about my personal business there as in return I will do the same for her. So far, I have kept my part of the bargain, however, I wonder if I shouldn’t perhaps tell the same people what she has told me and offer my personal assessment of her mental condition to see if we can come to some consensus opinion on that. I am sure I would be considered to be much friendlier and more normal if I did. I would sure fit in better.
Saw Paul from the Homewood kitchen at the food court last Sunday. Wonder if he has offered any assessments? The same day I saw the regular ‘earring’ guy who I have also seen entering one of my new neighbours apartments. She is the one at the other end of the hall who is regularly pumping my new ‘friend.’ No doubt, he takes whatever crap he gets there back out to the mall to share with the same group of gossips as always along with some new ‘interpretations’ of my home life and movements. This gossiping neighbour has also interviewed my next door neighbours for information. “Does she ever listen to music or anything?” This one doing the interviewing is the type we in the Homecare business refer to in these buildings as ‘the Hall Monitors.’ They are always out in the hall checking on everyone else’s visitors and business or hanging around the entries to see who is who and were are they going and then they take all the tidbits to the coffee klatch in the am. All the Housing buildings have their share of these ones and these ones are also the ones who tend to watch the front hall cameras in the buildings that have them as if they were a reality TV show. When they see someone coming in, they pop out into the hall, act casual and friendly and make note of exactly where these people are going and who they are seeing so they can report that at the next debriefing session know as ‘socializing.’ Tenants tell us support workers and nurses that if you don’t go and do it with them, then YOU are the one they talk about. All of this of course is not accepted as ‘reality’ by the folks in the mental health profession. After all, this would not be reasonable behaviour on the part of tenants; therefore, it must be the imagination of the psychiatrized tenants who are on the receiving end of it. Often, complaining of this group behaviour can get you another assessment session with your psychiatrist. Of course all he can hear is your paranoia as he has been trained so well to ‘interpret’ your experience for you.
My new friend had informed the neighbours that I found the truth about Dale’s ‘game’ in a book. Of course, I think they then evaluate my delusions for me using my ‘belief’ that what happened to me CAN be found in a book that spells it out. (Aren’t I amusing in my madness?) This is typical of the standard of judgments used on the labeled by the unlabelled. Everything we say once labeled gets interpreted by virtually everyone in terms of ‘pathology.’ In other words, they make our experience ‘fit’ into their beliefs.
If you can’t find earring man at the mall, look for aboriginal man or the old cowboy and pump them. They all share the same stories together while believing themselves ‘hidden.’ They still point me out to new people added to all the rest of the gossips while frequently announcing the usual, “there she is!” That was just done last Sunday by earring man. “That’s her,” he announced to the group and all five of them focused on my face together, no doubt certain that I could see them as they are, as always. Soon, the table wiper joined them for hearing all the latest piece of crap. She then usually passes it all along to a table of seniors. The ‘new’ cowboy, (who gets his news of me from Donna the gossiping tenant from 387, where he too lives along with “mike’ who keeps the bus drivers updated) now worked out at the mall too. It has become a full circle of gossip mongering you might say.
Post script:
Harvard is a school for the big brains. Did you know that the person they chose this year (2008) as the recipient of the “Woman of the Year’ trophy is Paris Hilton?
Next Post: the April Fools
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