The April Fools

Update: The 'No Frills' brown man who works in the produce department has another news flash for his buddies on the bus! He wants his pals to know that ‘apparently she is saying that bus drivers, teachers, doctors and everyone is involved. It is all just bull shit man. She apparently takes the Waterloo bus now too and now she is squealing like a pig.”
(The pair then snorted together like pigs)

Heard at Library: ‘He could have been planning her murder and they were letting him into her apartment.”

I don’t know if I remembered to include this before so I may be repeating myself:
A couple of months ago (Jan 08?) I heard at the mall that a ‘he’ was actually going to read the letters I had given him and that after ‘he’ did, he said, “it was all there.” Sorry but don’t know which “he’ that might have been since I gave copies of all my letters attempting to get help to a large number of ‘hes.’

Library staff is still ‘waiting for action.’ Kerry R. tries to check out what I am writing by walking behind me. The “that’s her is being repeated again all over town. Near the Bookshelf a woman wonders out loud as I pass, “well why would SHE think she understands this better than the doctors?” “well, he informed her lowering his eyes as he smirked “knowingly” (at which I smirked too) “you know we all like to believe we are ‘special’ in some way.” (of course, it would not occur to this man who ‘thinks’ HE is ‘special’ enough to be able to explain me without knowing me, that I just MAY be right. )
By the way, it is the superior/inferior circular thinkers who usually need to feel ‘special and not the egalitarian circle thinkers. Our premise of reasoning is not yours, and because it isn’t we use the same words but we do not mean the same thing. Our needs are not yours either. To assume they are, from a nice safe non-communicating distance away, is actually your own problem and it is called ‘subjective projection.’ It is based on ‘reductionism.’

Now apparently they asked the bus drivers if they had been talking about me over the radio and they said ‘no.’ I hallucinated some more conversations about this one day when the blond with the pony tail (I believe her name is Sherry) was working. The blond with the pony tail is the one who was all the way up Woolwich St. on foot one day with two male drivers from the old days apparently looking for my address then too. By the way, it has since been given to them by my new neighbours, and also by some trades people who had my apartment pinpointed for them by one of my other neighbours. This may explain why I suddenly got cable TV again which I did not order nor am I paying for. Since I am still being ‘stalked by proxy’ as I said years ago to the staff of H2 and H3 on my unlisted answering machine tapes, you can imagine how ‘safe’ I feel her wherever I go. As I said to one of my new neighbours, I do not know if I will ever feel safe here again since there are so many ‘covert’ operators watching and reporting all the time. The neighbours are currently checking with each other to see if I have any visitors and many other questions as well and then they all do a group analysis on it all.

These of course, are the stuff of my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’
About two weeks ago or so, I hear a woman on a bus talking to another about someone who visits a resident in one of the housing buildings and she was saying how appalled her friend was at the malicious gossiping in there, “Why, she said as if shocked, ‘some of them have even gone to my friend as she went through the halls to tell her stories about other tenants. It is just terrible.” (She should try having her address given out wherever she goes by people she does not even know, to God knows who)
It is apparently fascinating to watch someone under as much pressure as I am for as long as it has been without becoming aggressive. The two main groups of gossip ‘sourcing’ (let’s use the a**hole’s jargon for affect) are still Homewood staff and still The Manor staff and ‘experiencers.’ Now of course, many of the Housing buildings are developing a blend of seniors and addicts with ‘medication’ pensions. Some of those on ‘medication of course are still supplementing it with their old ‘medicine’ as apparently the chemical imbalance in their brains is not yet ‘corrected.’ These are the ones who are most likely to express their often hostile opinion of me from a few feet away when they ‘get the chance.’ Many of them used to take the opportunity to do that as they passed by me in the halls of Homewood too.

One of my neighbours is really distressed because she has seen me caring for a neighbour’s dog. She pressed herself against a wall, (which she does frequently when she is doing her rounds as unofficial hall monitor) saying, Oh my God….SHE’S got Milo !” (Later she pretended not to even KNOW I had the dog. She is quite the comedy act this one. ) The No Frills Willow brown guy who lives on Waterloo, saw one of his buddies on the bus and let his buddy know what I ‘claim”. “She claims that bus drivers, and doctors and even teachers all involved themselves. It is all bullshit man. Apparently she is riding the Waterloo bus now. Anyway, she is squealing like a pig.” Har har har (the two of them then snorted like pigs but saw no irony of course)

A neighbour asks me ever so casually if I am working (which she already knows) and then asks me where (which she also already knows since she pumps my new ‘friend’ for information and gets it. They have also both expressed their opinion on my refusal to give up my focus on this problem and my writing about it. OH…not directly to ME of course. Just to the group operating in ‘secret.’)

The library discusses how they hear it is the stress that causes it. Jimmy H. bus driver fills in one of the same men he has before who as all of them do the far box gossip session. Today’s; topic is the desire not to e-mail me as a means of contact. My Comcare co-coordinator has now had at least two meetings in Guelph to which I was not invited and about which I was not notified. I have heard that new workers are being given work event though I am not but this too is rumour mill stuff. If it is true, a reason will be found for it as there has always been a reason found that ‘explains why I get noting from them. I have also heard some other ‘reasons’ why I get nothing from them but they are different ‘reasons.’ For example; I have heard they have told others that they will not give me any work in nursing homes, after what the lovely staff (former Homewood staff to start and then spread from there) have told them about me ‘covertly.’) I have heard I have been specifically requested and the request was turned down. I have heard they said the did not know when I was home, (as the first reason for refusing work) that they needed to do a work assessment on me, as the next ‘reason’ and that after that, when I could no longer afford to pay for a phone, they are now saying it is because I have no phone) NONE of this of course, has ever been discussed with me at all, ever. I am still the object of everyone else’s assessments which cannot be confronted because I am NEVER talked to genuinely or directly by anyone. All of this is of course denied and proclaimed to be non existent. You might say of it that ‘everything and nothing are the same thing. Oh look, there is that zed-like cuteness again.
It is still being proclaimed to be ‘so sad’ but that is usually followed by a little laugh or ‘inappropriate affect’ if you like the psychological term for it) The Chief Librarian still does not want me to be told anything directly.

News Flash! OH yes and I have found out the work location of a new woman added to the mix who has been gossiping abut me at work and then has shared that with another smirking jerk of a woman on the #3 bus. She works for ….Oakwood Retirement Communities. (Aka Riverside Glen/Homewood partnership owned) with the former Homewood staff members working there too. What a coincidence huh? She is middle aged wears green and has dark brown hair straight with bangs.
Guess what else. One of the women I told you about before that I heard talking about outside the Old Quebec St. mall to another guy has been located by me too. She is a volunteer in the Homewood library! Skinny woman looks about sixty maybe and has also done some smirking with other people in my vicinity, including patients. Another Homewood connection.

I have discovered that two of the women currently gossiping about me on the bus, including calling me by name are in the medical community. One of them is an employee of Red Cross and the other works for Oakwood Retirement homes. (Riverside Glen, where some of my Homewood judges also work and feel entitled to express their contemptuous opinion.)
Bus driver Artie has recently been pointing himself in my direction while making the ‘money’ sign with his hand while talking to another. I wonder if another round of how ‘rich’ I supposedly am, is taking place now?
The skinny volunteer for the Homewood Library has spent some time smirking at me recently as well as asking others if they too intend to create a blog. The people she asks are often defined as patients, and usually they too are from the addictions division. She also talks about how hard it is too get your relatives in Homewood and this was discussed with a Library patron seeking advice from Library staff.
Jimmy H. bus driver and a man I have seen discussing this with bus drivers before are talking again at the fare box. I always have to wonder every time these people act out like this, “Is this one of the times when they believe I can see them or is it one of the times when they believe they are successfully ‘hidden’ while acting it out? It all looks the same to me.

It is said, “no one is ever going to be able to see this same way ever again.’ (I wonder what “it’ is that they think they see now?)
April 8th, 2008, a “Robert” was apparently ‘hoping for something ‘according to folks at the Library. It is also said that ‘they’ seem to think they should be able to talk about me, and say anything they want, but if she (me) says anything about them or even just repeats what they say about HER back to them, then that is a whole other story.’ (That is the way it always is with the ‘superior.’)

The residents of my new building have had another group assessment session I think. I am sure that the one at the end of the hall has also filled them in on the information she got from the regular mall crawlers and the other drinkers which are part of her life as well. Also, on April 7th, 2008, there was apparently a ‘big fight’ somewhere about this that just ‘everyone’ is talking about. An old woman also said to her friend on a bus, “he was her psychiatrist.’
Of course, since I have had so many psychiatrists I do not know which one is being referred to here nor do I know in which capacity or story the ‘he’ is being defined. I am sorry but this is all I get from my point of view ; a lot of bits and pieces which may be true, half true or completely false but which are NEVER clarified for me. I am the city wide ‘object’ of observation (item in the jargon of Dale/Edgardo’s training) after all.
Tina, Homewood employee and one of dale’s ‘soothers’ about his being accused ‘falsely’ is talking to a woman on the streets today as she walks past me she says, “Well I just don’t believe all of that!”
Also state on the streets, What until he has to tell her THAT was him! (Laughter)
Donna the gossiping tenant is quite put out that anyone would think I was so ‘special’ She likes to make nasty comments to anyone who will listen and then curse a lot. She shares all her opinions with the one who she ‘helps’ out at Save Mar, among many others. The one with the small hooked nose who gets her version of me from the woman down the hall, who gets some information to ridicule me with from my new ‘friend’ is doing her usual “Harrumph!’ bit on the bus. She did from day one but also believes she is hidden from me and only expressing her views with the other bus stop gossips. I have always known what she is like and once again this is the chicken/egg paradox. One of them says in my presence, “well maybe people would treat her better if she was a little friendlier!” This was after a mall employee told her the folks out at the mall were not very nice to her.” As usual they blame the victim for BEING a victim and that fits right in nicely with the Dale Edgardo’s ‘game’ doesn’t it?
Of course the reason I stay away from them other than to nod hello (and that is getting harder to do all the time too) is because I am reacting to what I actually now about them and not what they want to BELIEVE I know. I don’t want anything personal to do with such judges and gossips so they can screw up those hateful faces of theirs till the cows come home and that is not going to change no matter how phony they are or how many stories and opinions they like to spread. I have no intention of pretending I don’t know the real them just because they want to operate from behind the see through façade and want me to go along with pretending I cannot see them or understand them. If one of them proves to be genuine on her own, I will relate to THAT one as an individual but never to this nasty group as whole. They call my failure to join them in this a problem in me but from my pint of view I see it as a problem in those which expect me to pretend I do not know what I know. I am civil to all people but I am not going to enable this group behaviour.
One day the Workfare boys walked past me at Old Quebec St. it was Fuzzy face and the overweight one with the cap; tow out of three of the ones gossiping in 99 and on at lunch. So I decided to hand them their comment back and as they walked by I said out of the side of my mouth, “Come on lady, give it up…” Ten to one that they did not get I was doing it on purpose. They likely tough I was talking to myself and that it had nothing at all to do with them. I can’t see them or hear them a few feet away so why would it? I would have laughed right out loud but then someone would probably have called Homewood to come and ‘help’ me so I held it in.
A banker says that someone ‘at the hospital’ is saying, “I could lose my license for this.’
Heard on the street, “They still couldn’t figure it out. The police had to explain it to them.’
‘It’s in the language used. She used the same language to explain it so they could see it.’
At the library with all the assessors and observers of the city acting out for me: Today we have a collection of the gossiping twelve steppers/ Manor graduates and a host of others. There is a woman who used to be my friend who never let on she knew anything about me or what has happened here but then filled in others on here version of my reality everywhere she went including on Earl Street and some bus drivers. She sat beside the Homewood Library Volunteer who she also knows. I believe her name is “Diane.” I wonder if this is the ‘Diane’ who tells Motor mouth Marion how ‘awful I am rather than Dale’s ‘Diane.’ Well, after all, none of it is any of my business is it? On the other side of her was a guy with a goatee who she also knows and when she got up to leave her internet spot she was replaced by they guy named Kerry’ who is also one seen in deep discussion with they guy I call ‘Intrepid.’ The group of them all connected ‘knowingly’ as they kept all the Homewood ‘secrets’ from little old unconscious/stupid/unfriendly me. Not that any of this is real of course but rather just all my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations for which “treatment may well be imminent as soon as they all decide by the combination of ‘authority’ and group consensus exactly which ‘reality’ is going to be defined just how for me.
A former acquaintance who is another twelve steeper sits at an internet terminal at the library. There she puts on a performance for the guy beside her saying, while jerking her head in my direction, (drawing attention to herself) “I am going to go and sit right beside her…” to which the other idiot smirked in response and the two of them shared their little secret behaviour together. If you think this BS is hard to believe as I write about it, you should try being the ‘subject’ who has to witness it thirty times a day. Often, they are nudging and winking like morons as well but always they feel ‘concealed.’ A few feet closer though and they then believe they suddenly become visible. Then they watch for my ‘reactions’ to the group idiocy. When they don’t get one, they usually conclude I must be really stupid. Often they comment on that too.
After this one got up from her seat, she was replaced in it by a guy who has discussed me with ‘intrepid’ at the mall and who often ‘observes’ me from a few feet away. He too knew the guy sitting beside ‘the twelve stepper’ as he is one too. They did a little nudge act of their own.
The old cowboy at the mall was talking to earring man again (the one seen going into one of my nosy neighbour’s apartment who is assessing me all the time for the rest of the group. She gets direct ‘inputs’ (may as well use Dale’s jargon right?) on any details at all from my new ‘friend’ (in secret of course) and then they all get together and go for the usual group assessment. I am sure eventually they will talk long enough and assess enough to come to some extraordinary conclusions. They always do. (But hey, don’t tell me as I am the object of observation and I must not be allowed to know what all these folks are secretly up to.)
Now at the mall, the Old Cowboy and the earring man did a little assessment on my friendliness and how I did not respond to them at all and they cannot imagine why either since I will only of course know what they intend me to know and not what they don’t. Too bad I know so much more isn’t it, and that I am reacting to what I ACTUALLY know and not what other people decide for me that I know. A few minute later, Prof. Phidd is seen as usual peering around the food court to see if the usual gossips are there. The table of elderly gossiping men was not there at the time. One of the chronic loudmouthed Manor people is complaining on the bus about how she doesn’t like anybody in the city and she connects to one of the people living in my building to do it. (One that gossips at the mall all the time and then passes along everything she hears about me to other tenants as well, so they can do another assessment session on it.) Her complaint of the moment is on how so many people are ‘pretending’ to be living alone and yet are ‘really’ living with other people in housing units. The pair then uses me as the ‘example.’ This comes from their own rumours which they are having another round of in which I am alternate really ‘rich’ and pretending to be poor or have a man living with me (whom I do not know about) Some of them have decided to question me more closely abut my job and have tried to get my ‘friend’ to find out more so she can report to them. She still tries but finds me “non complaint’ about it so she then tells them I “get really mad” when she asks (which I don’t I actually just say it varies and don’t give her the information she is pumping for. Of course, I do not know about all this anyway since they are so cagy and all, and someone says, “She is supposed to be this big brain or something but I sure don’t see it.” (then they bond a bit more through mutual disdain for me, which is seen as acceptable behaviour as long as I do not know about it. (They are sure of course that I don’t.)
On the street is is said of me, “They all praise her to his face but at the same time they are attacking her and even abusing her on the streets.” A family physician’s name was mentioned on the streets in connection with me. This was not my own former doctor but one that I knew years ago when working at the answering service. Also heard, “They are changing all the programs at Homewood .”
An elderly couple on the bus points me out while stating, “they told her she was crazy.’