They Know that I Know

When I told the nurse in Trillium, in 95, to whom I gave the form naming a next of kin, "I do not want my relatives involved in this in any way," she responded, "Oh you don't have to worry about that. I was told by staff there that my next of kin would only be used if I was either a minor or incapable of speaking on my own behalf so I ‘don’t’ need to worry about that."
I wonder which one of those was being employed by my ex –psychiatrist? I LOOK a little younger than I actually am, some say, still at 48, I don’t think I could have passed for a minor and I sure could speak for myself. In fact, it is that speaking which as being defined as my inappropriate behaviour and reactions. Not by THIS psychiatrist but by a couple of the others on this huge ‘team’ all defining my reality for me and likely some of them not bothering to share it with others either. Who knows? I am sure THEY know but since this is the usual ‘covert operation’ none are sharing their truths with stupid/crazy me.."

But don't you worry about getting caught in that because my now deceased father has told my relatives that he did not do that, that he did not even know who Brian F. is, what kind of a doctor he is, or where he is." I have that denial in writing. Instead, as usual, he had convinced them that I am just saying that to "seek attention."

But wait it gets even better. While my now late father was pretending to be ‘mystified’ bout seeing my ex psychiatrist ‘covertly’ in 96, he KNEW that I KNEW he was lying. THINK about that from my point of view and then think about him doing it. My ex psychiatrist did not have my permission to talk to either of my parents. In fact, I was very specific that I did NOT want any of my relatives brought into the mess at all and told the nurse who had me sign the forms after I was able to talk again. She assured me too that this would not happen. The reason I never give them as my next of kin is because I already KNOW how they behave even if no one else believes that.

Of course then, this behaviour on the part of my father was nothing new to either of us. What was new to me was that I did not understand that my ex-psychiatrist was going to get into the ‘covert’ ops WITH him and then cover up for HIM too. His doing so allowed all of those who were going to claim I was accusing my father ‘falsely’ to act out against me even more for saying it. This is part of the usual mechanism of this turn around, or delusional reversal, which becomes the GROUP delusional reversal as it grows.

This is how the domination game works and there is more to it still. My late father likely assured my ex-psychiatrist that I did not see him because that would be part of his getting in to deliver a ‘covert’ assessment of me and my supposed ‘mental problems.’ I had stopped playing this ‘game’ with my relatives many years before and my father in particular did not like the loss of control over me one bit. The old manipulations no longer worked for him and I just kept telling him what I wanted and what I did not want which he did not like at all. But I had already become pretty much detached form the ‘game’ even though I occasionally still attempted to get a straight forward response to issues. I NEVER got one. Of course my ex-psychiatrist does not know all of this. It is pretty hard to know my side of things when I only get to talk for a few minutes and when the psychiatrists are basically just listening for ‘complaining noises’ coming from under our metaphorical ‘hoods’ which they, like auto mechanics, use to diagnose the ‘genetic defective’s chemistry’ problem. (Tink… tink)

To my father, my ‘mental problems’ included reading Gloria Steinem and subscribing to MS. Magazine in my youthful search for a saner kind of reality. It is the reason he always addressed my mail as” P. Lefave” without a title. Ever since I changed my title to Ms. Back in the day from ‘Miss’ he refused to use one at all. I could not ‘accept’ that equality of relating with men was ‘unfeminine.’

The idea that no one OUTSIDE the system knew what my father did is also false since my father NEVER traveled alone anywhere anytime. That means whoever traveled down here with him also knew. Whomever it was who knew has also kept that ‘secret.’ My educated guess about who that was would be one of my sisters or one of his brothers. If it was my sister, it was most likely to be the elder one I think. She would not need to be talked into covering it up. She always has. Whoever it was, in any case, has also kept his or her silence about it and allowed all of the negative effects on me to continue to grow. In fact, NONE of the family now even speaks to me since I am such a horrible daughter/sister ‘whining and complaining’ and accusing them ‘falsely.’ None of them have responded to anything in any way ever since. If you ask them why they will find a reason to justify themselves and you can count on it. I do.

Now as long as none of these people admit to anything, no one else involved has to either. Since they don’t, all their stories they fabricate to justify themselves will then become my new ‘reality.’ So fifteen years alter, I remain the object of observation and assessment for the community as a whole, all of it still being treated like a CIA type ‘covert operation’ and my awareness of all of it treated as ‘paranoid delusions’ by all of those who ‘fail to see what is right in front of them’ as Dale’s training jargon tells us. (Smirk)

Because I am then seen as so stupid, crazy and unaware, the general population then feels free to discuss everything they hear or make up about it right in front of me like I am not there since as many of them state: “Don’t worry she is not going to have any idea what we are talking about anyway.”

And that you ‘suckers’ (as it is said by the Columbia professor regarding Dale’s ‘game’ put it,) is how reality gets ‘split’ and then recreated as something other than what “It is.”