November Chills, 2008

A bus driver on #3 route picked up his radio one morning to report my presence. This same one once made hand signals (On this bus) at the psychiatric hospital employee who once ran the laundry and who then looked at the bus to see where I was sitting. The hospital employee was walking down the street to his car just after 2pm. They all believe that only they understand hand signals and words mouthed in exaggerated ways. It is quite the show.
Heard at Library: “It really is a miracle.”
(The people making these comments are usually out of the same group. They just can’t stop their gossiping so every tidbit they get is repeated to everyone they know, who in turn pass it along, and that is how the people observing and evaluating me keeps growing larger all the time. Of course, this is still all being denied and the collective pretence continues, most of the people sure they are ‘fooling’ me and therefore, since I don’t know about them, my reactions to them can’t be ‘reactions’ so they must be more of my never ending ‘flaws.’)
A female bus driver has recently asked me if I work for Comcare. The question is presented ‘casually’ but she is one who has been gossiping for the entire periods of time, with the Fare box Fannies ever present from all places involved to pass and receive the latest of information coming out of the psychiatric hospital and the university. As always, I am aware of all of this but am told I must not be so as not to offend the people doing it.
Current rumours on the streets are: “They are keeping two apartments. Who the hell do they think they are kidding?” and also, “So ‘they’ are keeping two apartments. Why is it any of their business anyway?” (This is a question that is rarely asked by any of the people involving themselves ‘covertly.’

University students: Well what I don’t understand is why she has waited until now to start talking about it?’
“They say they are going to tell her now.”
“Well, that’s like saying, now that you know that we already know everything, I guess I can tell you.”
One of the regular male gossips, dark hair, moustache, thirty something, is seen standing outside the psychiatric hospital with a large group of others having a smoke. This may be another round of admissions to addictions or a meeting there or perhaps he is just there pumping for more information from inside to share later with bus drivers as always. He is another one of the regulars who has been gossiping from all the way back. As we go by, he gives a big wave to “B” today’s bus driver on the #8 route.

University students are no reading my posts on the website in segments. Some love my sarcasm. A bus driver on the #1 route joins in the ‘sometimes she speaks and sometimes she doesn’t routine with the passengers and others. He sees no connection to him or them of course. My ‘reactions’ remain observed as apart from the whole mob of public assessors. The woman he is evaluating me with today is the employees of another health care agency. There are many of them who have been involved al along of course; both form my own agency and several others. New Comcare employees are seen on the streets. The last couple of months I have been told that people see Comcare employees at the hospital all the time. I have been offered NO new work in over a year. They don’t have to as there is no guaranteed minimum. My employer keeps all the office news to themselves. They even refused to send me an updated telephone list for office staff. Yet I got them before just like anyone else. The new receptionist who used to be very pleasant is now e-mailing me in a whole new tone as if she had been instructed on how to ‘handle’ me and I would bet she has.

I have heard on the streets that someone had asked them why I was charged for long term disability (in 99) when I did not get any. It was shortly after this that I got the new attitude. They have never said one word to me so I can only go by the rumour mill being acted out for me; the same one that is reinvented as my paranoid delusions if I try to speak of this reality. The rumour is also that they said I did not qualify, but I did, and they made me pay for it as if I got it when I never got one cent in long term disability after the six months of short term ran out. That too was in 99 after I was forced out of my job the second time for more assessments and evaluations. That was also when I got my seriously mentally ill label bestowed in 11 cost effective minutes.
It is rumoured (again) that there are local police constables who are sharing with the public their opinion that I am just ‘nothing but a liar.’ Also that ‘they’ (people like me) are ‘just seeking attention.” The police have recently been trained to hear all of this as ‘delusions’’ by the psychiatric hospital. The hospital is teaching the local world to hear and speak in the ‘perfect harmony’ of constant invalidation of those who try to get out of the system and its oppression.
The head shaver’s sister ‘J.’ stares at me with big surprised eyes as she walks by. This is another one who feels superior to me and lets it show. The guy with the moustache recently seen outside the psych hospital passes the latest rumours along to a route 1 bus driver. Heard on the street: “The doctor says we don’t want to know.”
Moustache man says, “She is teaching them at the university.’ (This on is a city rumour theme running over the last two weeks or so again. It was also heard a couple of months ago.
Street: “It ‘s the group dynamic that does it and she’s the sacrifice.”
“They handed out a bunch of questionnaires to people as part of a sociology experiment asking what they knew. Only about half of the people bothered to respond at all. So they wonder is this a sign of hope or the lack of it?’
Library staffer: “Apparently she has no one here she can even talk to about it all.”
The guy (who paints walls I think) ‘Earring Boy” who also is parked on a stool at the mall food court all the time getting all the latest poop, gets on the bus this week at the lower Homewood stop. He is all twitchy and jerky today. (Meds?) He sits at the bar near the front with the aboriginal looking guy, out there at the food court. Same guy has been seen going into the apartment of one of my new and nosier/judgemental neighbours too)
A senior who lives in one of the housing units on W. street is on the bus today discussing ‘her’ with another housing tenant who is younger and one of the drinkers. Another story is going again. It is a story I have already heard various versions of many tines though. This is how I ‘cheated my way’ into housing (By being on the central waiting list for twelve years) This senior is quite put out about it too. I have heard many times how I have been shown ‘privilege’ for getting into housing, by the use of someone’s ‘influence.’ Several drunks have acted it out for me just to show me a thing or two and they have also acted out the fact they were doing it in front of me for the purpose of “showing her a thing or two since I am “pulling in forty thousand and year and ‘stealing’ someone‘s place who “really’ needs it’ unlike HER!”

Several stories of me as a thief are also circulated over and over again through the housing complexes and some of those have been taken public by the same one who is on the attack all the time though she actually does not now me at all. One of the ones who keep bus drivers and mall crawlers informed of all the latest stories she hears. Of course this is all denied and said to be my ‘bids for attention.’ That has been reinforced (so it is said) by a police officer in the downtown area.
The volunteer who works at Homewood Library is at the city library virtually every time I am there and is also keeping staff there informed of anything she hears. One of the old addiction ‘graduates’ now on ‘meds.’ was standing in the bus stop across from my new address. He used to live in the house next to me at the last address from where he and his then wife (or girlfriend) would cross the street to the store and keep others informed of all the latest. The store staff then passed whatever they got along to others in exchange for news from those others in the neighbourhood such as the hair dresser. This is the hairdresser where an ex friend of mine, who was related to one of the core people involved at the hospital floor where it all started, used to get her hair done. Notice any ‘connections’ yet?
Now the guy at my bus stop has connected to another ‘graduate
‘ who I believe either now lives in the same building that I do or else is visiting there. I saw him one day talking to one of the active drinkers who lives on my floor and who along with his best friend gossip has expressed a number of opinions about me and has in turn of course passed these along though the residents there. Of course this is all being keep secret from me so when they see me a few feet closer, they all slap those smiles on their faces and pretend they are not doing it. Therefore, I am just paranoid if I ‘think’ they do and one of those doing it has told them so. That also means they have NO IDEA why I am not ‘friendly’ towards them other than the fact I have a ‘mental illness’ which they have been told about by others (who aren’t talking) and that this is one of the signs of that, a lack of socializing. Also they have informed each other that people like me ‘can turn on you suddenly for no reason at all.’ Those who want to believe I cannot see them or hear them acting out were kind of relieved to hear that as it means it can’t be anything they have done. It’s all must my insanity.
I am sure the smiling gossip will keep the mall crawlers informed of every detail she gets since that is what she basically does all day.
All of this of course, is denied by everyone including the staff members of the psychiatric hospital where it all started as the ‘recreation’ (note the double entendre of the word) of one nurse whom everyone in the group simply followed. That nurse was trained by an organization to reproduce what he saw inside the ‘secret’ training in order to either recognize or achieve “Domination” (depending upon the personal perspective of the one hearing it) “out here in the world of reality.”
Are you getting it yet?
Heard on the street again: “That is a brave woman to be standing up to them like that.” (Usually when people say that they seem to mean the psychiatric hospital staff and administration as the identity of ‘them.’)
Also heard on the street: “They aren’t going to do anything.”

One of my new fake friend’s, fake friends is becoming quite the critic of me and has been seen by me a number of times now playing the Fare Box Fanny roll. She has also been heard making snide remarks about me, BY me as I have walked by her on several occasions.
One of the bus drivers discussing my ‘friendliness’ levels with her, or lack thereof, has also been heard sharing his observations and assessments with a health care agency employee also playing Fare Box Fanny. Of course this TOO, has been non stop all these years but is all denied of course.

Two students: “That’s her. Oh, I really want to talk to her but we are not allowed to approach her.” (Of course not, that would be like ‘admitting’ to something and you aren’t to do THAT! I am being pressured to ‘admit’ that I am insane if I ‘think’ this has happened or is happening now. Did you not understand how I important it is to get everyone ELSE off the accountability hook?
A retired professor of some kind comes into the library. A staff member asks him if he is ‘analyzing every word she says.’ Then she asks him if he is a medical doctor.
(this may not seem like much as an incident but what if this happened around you many times a day for years on end and among those times you were also identified by name or pointed out as ‘that’s her” over and over again followed by similar announcements? Would it seem like more evidence to you then?)
Nancy is taking a course at the university. Nancy is getting more rumours there to pass along to her co-workers. I wonder if she still gets some of them from her acquaintances working in the court services sector as court reporters.
Donna the Town Crier continues her news gathering and vicious offerings of her opinions of me every where she goes. Her companion “Pinkie’ likes to help her act out sometimes. Donna connects to Chris the woman bus driver who is also one of those I ‘think’ have been talking about me for many years, all the way back to the start of my protagonist’s ‘game’ in fact.
“Screech” a bus stop regular and chronic gossip from across the street, who hangs out at the mall every day is in the Fare Box Fanny role this morning with bus driver Sue, one of those ‘others’ I claim is a gossip who uses me as one of her topics. Sue has allegedly made lots of comments over the years about what is going on with me, Homewood and all those involved. She is not exactly a friend of mine either based on her own information gathering.
Now “Screech” and “Skinny Minnie” have put on several little ‘skits’ for me while getting on the bus or after receiving evaluations and input from my fake friend. At least one of them was intended for me to see but not to actually understand that it WAS a little act being put on. That happens a lot. It is about levels of awareness and those ‘fooling’ me do not know I know they are attempting or believing I am ‘fooled’ by their obvious acts. That is one of the things I had to learn to understand about the obvious behaviours of others which are NOT obvious to THEM.

If you want to get the Town Criers Opinion check out the Save Mart location. Or perhaps you could ask the rent a cop what she has to say as she ‘interprets’ me for him too as well as for a whole host of others.
Now this one told the newer staff member there that she ‘better watch her’ as I was walking out of the store one day. (Do remind me later to tell you about the ‘thief’ rumours they made up at my new address based on my clean floors as a ‘sign.’ This act in the downtown mall is an extension of that.)
I walk past the now re-opened common room of the building only to hear a renewed performance of ‘that’s her there.’ (The observation room is back in business and the hall monitors are back on the job.)
University students: “That’s his fiancé and they attacked her.” (Really. I don’t remember my engagement at all. I guess I must have been nuts at the time…)

I get of a bus in the town square and a woman I don’t know says to a man with her, “That’s Pat Lefave.” (help me…. help me…. I am hallucinating my own name again.)
Heard on my bus route: “She is NOT going to let them get away with it.”
A woman who works at Riverside Glen never looks at me now. I believe this is because she shared a contemptuous little laugh regarding me with another one on my route on a previous occasion.
Over the last month or so a rumour has been going with some that I am going to be teaching a course at the university. I think this one came from someone’ allegedly saying ‘she COULD teach a course on this.” (This is how this stuff seems to evolve all the time. Usually there is a grain of truth in it that is then helped to grow into ‘facts.’ Those ‘facts’ are then reacted to emotionally by those spreading them. In any case, some students have repeated over and over again how ‘boring a teacher’ they think I would be since I keep repeating the same things over and over. This may come as a shock but I actually find many of these students pretty boring too. It is not fun to have to repeat the same things over and over again to people who can’t really hear it the first time, or tenth time, or hundredth time or thousandth time. Can you imagine how boring that is from my point of view? In fact, it gets downright exhausting and what makes you think I would want to teach a course to you? As always, I am never actually IN the ‘story’ of my own life and the really boring students don’t even notice that. These are generally the same students who have to have just the ‘correct’ brand of clothes and shoes on or they start falling apart emotionally.
My baggy- assed pants should be my biggest problem in life.
Other students note that I don’t quote things as they would as they could not trust their own consciousness to be accurate in assessing their own situation. (Absurdity anyone?)
Question: To whom will you then willingly turn over your perception of your own experience and what makes you think they will be any better at it than you? Who does that one quote to prove his consciousness is more accurate?
Street: “That’s the way this city behaves.” Gray haired bus driver with limp is conferring (Farebox Freddying) with number 1 driver today. I have been this guy’s topic a number of times recently. (so it is not just one incident but rather a collection of similar incidents with similar people with partial information heard or seen in each case)
#3 bus, student: “She was made very ill by it but she recovered. She is very intelligent and she still lives here.’ (On a cell phone to someone)
Shoe guy and “Jeff’ (on his daily gossiping visit, now retired I think, and formerly of ‘Mutt and Jeff at lunch). He is being kept informed of all the latest opinions and stories.
#8 bus driver (Ian) is also talking to a young Delhi St. housing resident about her being ‘very intelligent.’ (This theme makes rounds as a topic and those doing the talking usually point me out or have me pointed out by someone and then they turn and have a look. Later they then frequently debate my supposed intelligence with someone else who doesn’t actually know me either. )
Heard on the street: “So if you look at it one way it means one thing and if you look at it another way it means something else.”
University students: “can you imagine what it would be like to know everything that is happening and then to have everyone involved tell you that you don’t know?”
Bus: “Neither one of them even wants to live here anymore.”
“He said, “Oh but that’s not really stress is it?” (‘He” was mad.)
Homewood library volunteer talking to Nancy at the public library: Joyce was saying many of the staff there are not nice to people at all and neither are many of the volunteers.”
Street: “It’s about time that somebody stood up to him.”
Library: “Apparently she says that if we all talk enough, eventually our own stories will circle back on us- and they DO! - I am hearing about it at the hairdresser’s now.”
Students: “Everybody is e-mailing everybody about it all now.”
One of the Homewood housekeeping staff chats with Artie (a bus driver involved in the rumour spreading and public assessing since the beginning) She says to him: “So your wife tells me you are going to the Christmas party.’ (Does Artie’s wife also work at Homewood? Is she one of the sources from whom he gets the information he passes along to people in housing units? Those I ‘claim’ talk about me on buses?)
Library Volunteer from Homewood marches through on her daily trip but is warned today, “Careful, we think she is in the building.”
Students: ‘It’s the end of an era.’
Mall: Earring boy, who also has a small teardrop tattooed on his right cheek just under the eye, is watching Dollerama from the top of the stairs on November 30th. As soon as I go up the stairs and pass him, out comes the cell phone as usual. Now if this happened once or twice, I wouldn’t be suspicious but since it happens virtually every time right after he sees me, it makes me think, along with all the comments I have heard he and others making, with me as the subject that this happens in relation to my presence.
A woman, who takes the number 3 bus and gets off near me, is now seen wiping off trays at the mall food court. This now makes about a half dozen people working at wiping off trays in the mall food court who I have heard discussing me including at least one psychiatrized person who was in hospital at the time of my own ‘drama’ and another one or two who have been though the programme from where the rest of the gossiping was coming including wishes that I ‘burn in hell.’ The woman I saw today actually does not know me.

End of November