Mob Mutations 3

Apparently, it still does not occur to most of the people involved that I know a great deal about them, both real and rumoured.
It seems there is a belief that if I don't behave like they do, it must be because I either haven't heard any rumours to spread myself, or I just don't understand HOW to behave like that. Let me correct these false impressions for you. I have heard plenty. (after all I have lived in Guelph for over twenty years) I know all kinds of personal private details about all kinds of people here and I also understand how to spread it all. I have had it modeled for me long enough. I would have to have been in a coma not to know how to do it by now. I made a conscious choice NOT to behave the way most ''normals'' do but I can always change my mind about that if it will help you move towards ''enlightenment.''

Of course, I must consider which people to target first with my mental health and character ''assessments''. Golly gee, there is such a large group if participants to choose from. Meantime though, I will just continue to reflect your judgements and assessments of me right back to you.

December/January 2005/2006

At the General emerg. the staff (and a few patients as well), discussed me and all the rumours they had heard from paramedics, cops, nurses, and doctors- "They even discuss it at the university," said one. (They were around the corner in a little huddle about ten feet away from Paranoid Patty here. )
The woman who had previously typed my information and wristband had done so silently, her self deluded little eyeballs glowing with amusement which she, of course, considered to be ''hidden'' from me. This is a common sight for we who are labelled, as those who presume themselves to be vastly superior to us find our ''fabrications'' about what we must put up with from those innocent, other people like THEM, amusing. At least to my face, the crew on this time managed to keep from showing their disdain. At least one nurse, a little older and wiser perhaps, was very egalitarian and respectful around me and in her relations. She stood out like a pearl in a pile of gallstones.
As Dr. Phxxx left the group discussion to attend to my finger injury, one of them called, ''Now be compassionate.'' He entered the room suffering from an eyeglow that did not match his words nor quite go with his expression.

What none of the people around us seem to know, no matter how often they are told, is that we are fully aware of them. It is they who are not consciously aware of the reality of either us or themselves because they believe in something that has been fabricated by the mental illness profession as a way of explaining away the things they do not want to know. It is easier to believe the individual is "delusional" about being attacked by someone, or a group, than to believe the whole group is delusional about denying the attack.

The psychology of the group seems to be quite consistent. If they can convince themselves that I am stupid and/or crazy,and that I am lacking in the awareness of the reality of them, then they can "interpret" everything I do and say to fit their beliefs.

I have noticed throughout this endless community "game" that even my jokes, which used to be perceived as humour as intended by me, are not often taken as serious and I get "humoured" or patronized, or simplistically "corrected." In general, I am observed, analyzed and assessed by virtually everyone, or anyone, in the public who feels so inclined to do so and give themselves a little superiority "fix." All these types also seem to believe I will not see them nor hear them, even if they are only three or four feet away, since I am not as intelligent or as human as they perceive themselves to be. This is another reason why we "wack jobs" (as I have been called by the local mouth breathers) laugh for "no reason."

At the General emerg. Dr. Phxxx told me the reason they did something there (I forget what we were talking about exactly) a certain way was because it was "tradition." So being my humourous self, when he stick me with lidocaine, I said, "Ow!" he said, "you don't have to say "Ow." I said, "Sure I do." He asked why and I answered him, "It's tradition."
I'm sure that was more likely to be "assessed" though than taken as humour as intended. Once you are psychiatrized you see, you STAY psychiatrized, and everything you say and do is "evaluated" in psychiatric terms. You are no longer a person like other people. You are "the case" or "the subject" and those in lab coats don't communicate directly or equally with lab rats. They only assess inputs and outcomes "objectively."

It's about communication all right. The total lack of it.
As I left, Dr. Phxxx was sitting inside the little closet type space in the nursing station, the group gathered round, no doubt to hear his evaluation of me. I almost laughed but caught myself in time to prevent a return trip to the wacko ward where I would no doubt have been offered a ''little something to reduce my awareness for me'' once more. We are not ''allowed'' to be ''too'' aware you know--especially not ''too'' aware of those who are labelling and controlling us for being too aware of them.

When reality is turned around, the way it was in my personal protagonist's special training, the group stupidity and arrogance that results from it is defined as "superior" understanding to the one who only ''thinks'' she understands it and her own life experience. Since no one can talk us defectives out of what we ''believe'' happens to us at the hands of others, and you don't believe us, all you can really do is invalidate us and reduce our awareness of it until we give up trying to tell those long suffering ''others'' what they don't want to know. Right?

Ignorance is bliss. if ''we'' don't know how to enjoy it like our judges obviously do, they will force a lack of awareness into us so we can be more like them. If they remain ignorant they don't have to stand for anything, stand up to anyone in protest, and can defend their own lives, jobs, or careers by refusing to take an adversarial position against those in power.

And that, as my protagonist already knows, has much to do with the reason I still ''Wait For Godot.'' The system, the machine, may give lip service to ethics and integrity, but when the human beings running it BEGIN by reducing the patient to less than human, it does not seem to translate to the level of action. Perhaps it is because it seems better for all of those participants in this supposedly "non-existent game'' to have me perceived as the lone nut rather than the lone seer.

The only way the group can maintain it's belief in it's "superiority" (it "validates itself'') is by invalidating and pressuring the one it perceives as it's "inferior"--just as the nurse's '' training," if taken as an instruction for power, taught him to do. The community as a whole, has been manipulated to be "with" him, you might say. Identification with the aggressor is apparently better than identification with the victim. Especially if those two positions are switched, right from the start of the game. If interested, you can see yourselves in the same group dynamic as expressed by Barbara Colorosso in her book "The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander."

As individuals, which roles did YOU choose? Either you will get it, or It will get you. As Sheridan Fenwick once stated: "The only way to stop a nightmare is to wake up."

Awareness

Message Off the T.V.....Just For You....And Also,
Wakey Wakey Sleepy Heads...
Just For " Them."

Though they are not big city women, neither Helen Crump nor Thelma Lou would be naive enough to walk alone into Central Park at night....

"Madness" can only be cured metaphysically. It will never happen unless psychiatrists snap out of that trance state they do not recognize themselves to be IN. They will need to learn to use their ears to listen to their patients as human beings expressing real truths, about real situations, in real relationships, and reacting with real emotions.

They will need to stop using their ears to listen for noises coming out of the mouths of genetic defectives whose lives and experiences mean nothing more than a ping or a grind in a machine slated for a tune up.

They will need to relearn or perhaps, learn for the first time, the practice of critical thought instead of reacting like automatons to the buttons being pushed by their programming.

If they don't wake up soon, they are going to support the deconstruction of reality itself and it's restructuring as an alternate "reality" based solely on an end goal of absolute power and control over everything and everyone.

This "game" of power is ultimately self defeating since it is based upon the arrogance of the one who "thinks" he is at the "top" of his game, even as he is bringing about his OWN end.

Living on the level of appearances and politics, for power and profit IS the problem. It is NOT the final solution.
The real solution will be seen only when, or IF, the system itself stops closing ranks against the revelation of the truth in order to protect It's own program....MING.

What the public is engaged in is ''the continuous nature of the training.''...the chain reactions...the infinite power..(S.F.) used without any real enlightenment. The ''authority'' who can't be questioned, sits at the top of the pyramid, observing the action. How could someone as lowly and stupid as I am possibly understand that all of these highly educated and sophisticated people do not? After all, could all of these people fall for such a simple old time con game without even suspecting it? Even after they have been told outright what It is?

It is ironic that those who do what they do in the name of personal ''survival'' are ultimately and finally, the source of their own annihilation for the con man cons himself best of all.
When you cover up the truth for the sake of appearances, you MUST promote and defend the liars and the LIE as the new "reality."

Since the T.V. is filled to overflowing with "messages", a better question for psychiatry and the "normal" people as well, might be: Why is it that you are NOT getting any messages off the T.V.?

Circling the Wagons

To Protect The Hidden Agenda

So....Allegedly....



According to current rumour the total invasion into my personal space has been quite neatly justified by those who did it. The Homewood experts have now, allegedly, stated:

"Really, it (the breakdown) would have happened anyway as that was the state of mind she was in at the time."

It actually wouldn't surprise me if this one was true. I have heard it used many times before by the mental illness profession to sidestep "responsibility" for their own actions by blaming the patient. In fact, it is very common. Translation of the expert diagnosis means,"Really, we didn't drive her into a psychosis, oh no, for that would be "like" saying" mental health professionals were playing "head games" with someone." Wouldn't it?

If you recall, long before the imagined "head games" I "thought" were being played with me by Homewood staff I "mistakenly" believe caused my imaginary breakdown, which "really" I was going to have anyway, Dr. Deb. E. had already rejected the very idea and offered me that "little something to reduce my (imagined) greater awareness" for me.

Oh, that's evidence isn't it? Well, Ok then. Maybe they may have "added" to it just a teeny, tiny, little bit but, hey basically, this woman was just waiting for someone to give her an excuse to go stark raving mad! Yes. That's It. That's it exactly....( to quote Jon Lovitz, SNL)The real flaw is in her. It is certainly not in "us."
An analogy might be "Well Ok...now that there is actual DNA evidence to deal with we accept that despite our strenuous attempts to suppress it the rape victim really was raped. Maybe our telling everyone else we could that she was only SAYING she was raped might have hurt her feelings a little bit, but really, she has always been overly sensitive anyway and she DID go strolling through the rapist's territory while wearing a skirt and a smile, so it's not actually our fault. I'm sure the rapist didn't INTEND to rape her in particular either, so it wasn't pre-meditated in the sense that SHE she be the one who was raped, so THAT seems pretty paranoid to us....She was simply at a point in her life where it was natural and perhaps, inevitable that this rape should occur. She's just got to understand that. Yes. That's it. That's It exactly. (Jon Lovitz)

"It's about responsibility." It's about manipulating the victim to accept responsibility for "choosing" to Be a victim. It is also about allowing the perpetrators and his supporters to sidestep it by insisting that being unreasonable is a "higher" level of consciousness; as is stated inside the perpetrator's special training BY those who are being "trained." "There is no reason in what I (we) do."
Because there is no reason in it, we are ALL getting it, one way or another.

This appears to me to be a pretty standard psychological manipulation, frequently used by those who value an image of "reality' far more than the truth. Often they claim, "There is no reality only perception." Which is of course why they will not mind at all anything I may have to say about them, since if there is no reality they can redefine it all as it suits them. This is often done, it would seem to me, by those who need to be always right and never wrong, and who take care of their own interests at the expense of others while simultaneously claiming they represent the epitome of ethics and integrity.

Personally, I believe a single standard of equality for all is in everyone's best interests. But then I am not a really important person like those who see it differently. It is those who promote a double standard, in the name of "ethics" who seem to be "schizo" to me. As Robert Whitaker quotes in his book, "Mad In America," "The hypocrisy is mind boggling." As Thomas Szasz has also stated, "It's about incarcerating the innocent and excusing the guilty." Relative to my own experience, I would say that is exactly what "It" is about.

Addendum:

It has been assessed by some members of the public that I am going public now because I feel "safe" enough to do it. I feel I must repeat myself here. "Other people don't know what I think" or what I feel, or what motivates me in doing what I do. I am the one who knows that, and to date, no one seems overly interested in the concept of talking directly to me rather than looking for "interpreters" who will explain me to them according to the "interpreters'" understanding.

It is almost twelve years since I started telling these all knowing "others" what Dale was actually doing, and that I couldn't stop him (or lose the mob involved) no matter what I said. I have yet to hear an admission of participation in this from a single individual. Yet they have NEVER stopped gossiping about it to everyone they know, or expressing their never ending opinions about everything they themselves are passing along as they continue to deny the whole thing.

I do this publicly now for that reason and because I have not felt safe here anywhere since 1993 when I became the target of this public, planned assault.
I am aware that going public with all these details can be used as an excuse to "intervene" and "treat" me against my will for that is the true nature of this mental "health" beast. And it is a beast, operating at a level of hunter and hunted, which only those with experience as the hunted can truly understand. I also know that this can be done "covertly" if I remain silent about it as I have been instructed to do, and that I will remain a choice scapegoat for those among us who exhibit those "signs" of sociopathy. Given a choice of risks, I choose public exposure though I would NOT choose it under any other circumstances. But at least this way, it may cause my judges to pause a bit before they A.C.T.T. out again, against either me, or someone else, they are determined to diagnose from a distance. It may also help a lot of labelled people and those of you who are NOT YET labelled, to see what is coming your way before it is your turn to find yourself needing to reason with the unreasonable.

Talking Directly to Me

A Very Mysterious Concept....
So....Allegedly....

Let me know if any of you like Homewood Administration, my ex psychiatric team members, or the police service ever decide that you would like to respond directly to me or actually recognize that in order to fully understand this, you must ask one of the ones who already does, and STOP asking everyone except me.
of the two people who understand this, one of them has a hidden agenda of domination. Guess which one?

As I said to Dale and the then staff of H2 and H3, in my ongoing effort to penetrate the group stupidity and arrogance;
''Stop asking other people what I know and what I think. Other people don't know what I think. I know what I think. Talk directly to me.''

I also told Rena S. at Comcare Guelph, LONG before I was ''rebuilt'' as the ''schizophrenic'' or any other version thereof, that it was the non stop invalidation of my perception, the psychological isolation, the refusal of others involved to communicate directly, and the growing number of people involved in it (''it is completely out of control now,'' I had said) that is causing me to break. I am having trouble staying connected to concrete reality because of it.''

I had told her to tell Dr. Geoff Daniel (whom I had already informed that it was Dale who was doing this)to bring me in to talk directly and get me out of the isolation and away from the group assault. Rena called June Moore, then Programme Co-ordinator who was apparently ''mystified'' by what I was saying. Therefore, as was shown to me over and over again in this endless circle, it was assessed by nurses as meaningless.

The concept seems to be that if those who consider themselves to be my superiors (in either understanding or worth) don't understand something, either it can't BE understood or there is simply nothing to understand. The apparently horrifying third option would be for them to have to become aware that I understand something BETTER than they do. We can't allow ourselves to think a thought like that now, can we?

The ongoing problem is always the same one. The manipulated groups of people who assess the situation at the aggressor's direction do not suspect they are INSIDE the aggressor's "game" themselves. Since they are already certain their understanding is much better than the victim's, and that the con man is innocent and doesn't understand what is happening, the group members perceive themselves as "objective observers" OUTSIDE the situation being assessed BY them, rather than what they really are; dysfunctional participants blindly following the sociopath leader and helping him to attack his victim.

Why don't they suspect that?

Because the sociopath looks and sounds sincere and besides, it wouldn't be "reasonable" for him to be doing such a thing. (As the psychiatrist who labelled me asked, in order to prove to me I was being "irrational," "But why would a nurse want to do such a thing? It does not make any sense does it?" I couldn't argue with that. Sense has nothing to do with It.)
My protagonist has been trained to accept himself as a machine and to see life as a joke or a game and to get whatever he wants in life by following the instructions (as HE understands the words of the training) to be "unreasonable" as his means of getting It.

This is the formalized version of a psychological 'game", most of which I already understood before I was selected as the target in 93. (or perhaps selected even earlier) You see people, inside the manipulative ploys and head games of Dale's "special" training it is predicted:

"You will fail to see what is right in front of you."

Even while READING that for themselves, the experts who have labelled me "mad" for telling them EXACTLY what my protagonist was (and is) doing, have "failed to see what is right in front of them." Non stop irony.

This reaction to his "set up" is why the rectal orifice's eyes glow with amusement and roll back in his head while the little smirk appears. He is observing the action unfolding between the two sides of his "set up" and hearing the effects learned in his programming, as he has been "guaranteed" he would. He is the director in the Theatre of the Absurd, seeing my fear as I Wait for Godot. Many of the other participants suffering from the same eyeglow do so for another reason; they are amused by my "obvious" madness and think themselves to be my "superiors" also. To some, I am ''just stupid.'' Of course from where I see it, it all looks the same to me. As I said years ago to many of those involved, "I can't tell the 'nuts' from the 'help' without a programme and I will let you in on a little "secret"; neither can any other labelled person for exactly the SAME reasons.

My protagonist has proved his "superiority to himself and the mindless mob who followed his lead has helped him to do It. There is no CONCRETE evidence that he intended to do anything. Well, almost no evidence. Unless you count the tapes I made and all the people he involved and the stuff he wrote down etc...But other than THAT, there's no evidence.

I have a suggestion for all of you experts. Pick up the book Jill H. , Homewood,already read, and read it again. She told me she got it at the University Library. Before you start though, get out another saucer of Haldol and place it like a dish of hors d'oeuvres in the centre of your conference table, only THIS time, when you read it, see yourselves as what you are; the manipulated group members, not "objective observers."
When you wake up suddenly from that trance you are in, and recognize that for twelve years now you have been looking for "hidden meaning" where there is none, proceed by following your own advice. That advice as stated to me is: "If you find yourself looking for hidden meaning, it's a sign that you need an anti-psychotic."

It is time to swallow the bitter pill of your group re-creation. Guess which prize this is? Now, you have the same under-standing as Mr. "T." because he fed your gigantic egos and you chose to identify with an aggressor, who presented himself as the hero rescuer.

As I have already said, over and over, year after year;
What "It" means depends upon the individuals's attitude, current level of understanding, motivation, and goal. You may hear the same words as a revelation, accusation or instruction depending upon you "point of view" or "perspective." Without the concrete detail to connect It to the abstract sructure, it is left to "interpretation." Recognize these concepts Ed Perez and Jill H.? You found them "fascinating." Without concrete detail, it means "nothing" because It could mean "everything" or anything to anyone who is outside the relationship between the original pair; myself and Dale. That is why it has a "Zen-like cuteness" to it.

Referring to one of the answers Mr. T. wrote down in response to me. "Everything and Nothing are the same thing." Remember that? Integration of opposites which in THIS "Zen-like" structure of anti-logic means entropy or total lack of discernment.

It is that planned creation of chaos and confusion which enables the aggressor to ''hide'' in plain sight, within the crowd of boundary violating participants, certain that they could never be deceived. Not like all those "other" people back in Nazi Germmany for example. Get it?

Giving The Aggressor Enough Rope...

It takes much longer this way but pacifists aren't looking for the instant gratification or short term buzz that the aggressors seek.

I once said to Dale on the tapes on my answering machine, "You'd better be careful P. J. (prime jackass) that I don't catch YOU in the trap you set for me."
Remember that, all of you who listened in like the boundary violating idiots that you are?)
I am sure that Dale would not think such a thing as being caught in his own trap would be possible; not after all this time has passed. Remember the part in your training about getting around "behind" someone? You asked me (as if you were sharing interests to "hook" me) if I had read "Waiting For Godot." I hadn't then but I DID know the theme---waiting for truth or rescue that will never come.

I asked you a question in relation to Zen and "integration of opposites" following the line in our "no witnesses" conversations and you answered with that Bob Dylan quote: "Everything can be replaced." (smirk) Lots of people have seen that too.

I have already responded to that "book" question with "Ever read "The Shawshank Redemption"? If not, it's basically about giving the aggressor with all the power and the smug arrogance exactly what he "thinks" he wants.

As regards your "message" with Dylan's lyrics---I answered that too with my Paul Simon quote:
"Faith is an island in the setting sun but Proof; now proof is the bottom line for everyone." (no matter what their faith or belief system may be.)
You see Mr. T., you may wish to reduce me to the level of a "thing" you can so easily "re-place" and to whom you can give the under-standing, but I am not a thing.
I am a person; not a thing, not an object of observation, not the "subject" and not a "fascinating case."
I am a person (which the U. of G. students found to be a "hilarious" statement.) A person who has patiently worked and waited for reality to knock you on your ass.

You're right about something though; I am getting quite a bit of satisfaction from YOUR training. Now, it is time for YOU to look back with hindsight and realize how you caught yourself in your own little "game." I am going to seek fame for you.
Anyone else who is really interested in resolution should ask Jill H, at Homewood for the name of the book so you also can see how to put "abstract and concrete" together in the reality of Dale's choosing.

Let's Try This...

Really, Really, Simply Stated Facts..

My protagonist has been specially trained.
In his '' training,'' ''reasonableness'' is said to be a lower level of consciousness and makes one a ''loser'' in ''the game'' of life. Learning to be ''unreasonable'' is said to be a higher level of consciousness and makes him a ''winner'' in ''the game'' of life.

The ''training'' is a demonstration of itself. Infinite power which is used apart from ''reason.''

Q.E.D.: By his OWN definition my protagonist is ''unreasonable'' (the winner).
I am ''reasonable'' (the loser).

Switching positions with his target as planned from the start, causes everyone else to believe the ''reality'' of the situation to be the exact opposite; a one hundred and eighty degree ''Switch.''

The manipulated mob supports this agenda of domination because It would not be ''reasonable'' for the aggressor to BE doing It, therefore he can't be doing it, therefore the victim who ''claims'' he IS doing It, must be the unreasonable one. After all, could all these people fail to see what is true and right in front of them?

Yesterday, those still involved acted that out for me in the town square as they ''observed'' me being their ''inferior.''
Young woman: ''That''s her. She thinks she's not weird but all of us are.''
Companion: ''Yeah. Right.'' (then their shook their contemptuous little all knowing heads together in agreement)

(Too much marriage between first cousins again?)
They are defining MY reality by group consensus. ''Reason'' has nothing to do with It. This is limbic brain stuff----a regressive, collective, psychological state of group contagion and the stuff that the mob mentality is made of.

As stated in 95: ''I am not the one who doesn't understand.''

The ''game'' of domination and submission is the same abstract play, over and over again. The concrete details are changed, but the ''play'' remains the same. That's why I understand it. I understood most of it before this version of it even began. Though the concrete details were different, I have played this ''game'' before, cast in the same role.

Mad Mob Mutations 2

So....Allegedly.....

Next, the public goes into the next phase of the acting out. They take the latest form of the mutation of my well analyzed thought and behaviour which they have been handed by assessors and start the next round of public analysis with it--Who knows me and what THEY have to say....who knows my landlord...what each of us are like, or not like....what Cheryl says, and Mark and Randy and all the people from Liverpool St., past or present, psych students, cops, paramedic, bus drivers, Library staff and patrons, Homewood staff and all their relatives, etc. etc. ....You get the picture.

Another round of the Aggressive Community Tattling Secrets.
Let me share it all with you.
Meanwhile the current landlord (another one who knows all about personal boundaries just like Bill K. Once told me HE did) starts discussing his version of the bath tub story an all his anxious concerns about that, with other tenants, tradespeople and all those who are in his "social circle." He has been advised previously not to trust me. This is said to have come from his lawyer's office and as we all know all the lawyers have been analyzing me and diagnosing me as well, while observing the specimen here. In fact, that is why I sent more information directly to the boys at McElderry and Morris since they were so interested and apparently needed to keep some of those bus driving shrinks informed so they could run back to their relatives on Homewood staff and let them know the latest. Then, they could make sure my protagonist was kept informed as well. Right? You know that gathering information on your "item" is part of the nurse from hell's "special" training don't you? Or did you not bother reading any of that at all? Perhaps you were just "humouring" me then too.

So he complains to others that he is worried about how these stories are going to affect him and what other people might think of HIM. Next, some of the public starts another round of what a "female dog" I am to say such awful things a bout such a personable guy who is really nothing like that. A few renewed snarls and hisses are noted coming out of the boundary respecting "normals."

This is reminiscent to me of the students boarding at the house next door to my apartment and Marlene K.M. on Liverpool St. who were said to have told her that she should tell "him" to stop worrying about me since really I was "nothing but an effing female dog anyway and he should just forget about her.!" (95)
So, at this point it is over a decade of the same groupthink, still going and still growing....in "secret" of course. No direct communication with the other member in the original relationship either wanted or "allowed."

It was once acted out for me that Dale T. told Marlene his co-workers were going to cover it all up. Perhaps you could ask Marlene directly if that was one of the true stories or one of the little set ups used in the designer abuse game being performed by the nurse. That's not too wild a concept for Homewood or the police is it? Direct communication...? I know that the experts are still trying to decipher the "hidden" meaning in that.

OK, so I have been totally invalidated as a human being but you see, the nurse actually expected that. It is the specifically planned effects when he uses his "training" as a power game. It is about controlling everyone and coming out on "top." He validates himself by invalidating all other points of view. Those who look for reason in him are declared by him and his supporters to be "just stupid." Something I have been hearing about myself for many years.
Back to the now:
The people with whom my landlord has been gossiping about me (while wearing his other face for me) have already repeated his mutated version of reality for others "out here in the world of reality" and just this last week in January, 2006, I have already heard it in two new forms.

1. "She said he was watching her in the shower. Isn't it awful?" (smiles; aka "inappropriate affects)
Analysis: What's "it" to the speaker and who is "she?" Is "she", me, Cheryl, or some other gossip spreader of which I am unaware?
2. Is "It" awful because my supposedly SAYING that is "awful? Or because another "she" said that" Or because it is presumed to be true and HE is "awful"?

The real irony in this is the fact that it may well be my landlord who is creating his own problem by means of his own gossiping which he then denies he does! I have noticed in this that as they mutate and add to their own stories, all the gossip lovers start to wonder amongst themselves just what is true about what they themselves are spreading. Of course they don't admit anything to me, so they can't actually ask me while they are hiding it all, nor would they be able to accept anything I said anyway since I am "crazy" and can't be trusted to know a hallucination from a conversation. Right? Instead, the assess their own creation and you can bet that at least some of the ones spreading it will mutate it again and by next week it will become something like: "Apparently, he tried to force his way right into the shower with her!" Which will motivate the falsely accused landlord to try to get another plumber on his side. After all, they have heard all the awful stories about awful me too! Why don't you all just peer suspiciously at me from under your eyebrows, or over the landlord's personable shoulder again, your jaws dropped in awe at the very spectacle of the madwoman. Personally, I've always enjoyed that "Deliverance" sort of facial expression. Don't forget to snarl like a dog when you do it. Or just drool.

Of those who eagerly receive, and repeat, the latest piece of "news" about Pat Lefave, (not that a nut like me can even recognize my own name of course, so stupid and unconscious am I...)some will no doubt truly believe their own inventive crapola and continue to tell as many others as they can, the "truth" they are "certain that they know." For many folks in Guelph, the only truly "good" gossip is the derogatory kind. As some have said in my presence Guelph is a sort of "National Enquirer" type mentality for many and it IS true too that "what goes around, comes around." This is why, in fact, I asked Dale many years ago on the tapes you all listened in to like the boundary respecting "normals" that you all are, "Don't you know where you live?" I meant of course, that of the people he was involving, many of them spend most of their day, every day, repeating everything they've heard like a baked bean supper. Most who ooperate in these kinds of "social circles" as a norm, never see they are doing this to themselves as much as they are to anyone else.

That question I asked, of Dale mainly, and the then staff of Hamilton 2 and 3, over a decade ago still applies. It was, "Since you know what you are doing, and I know what you are doing, who exactly is it that's being "fooled" here"? Of course, I understand now that in reality, I really didn't understand it and NEITHER did they. I did not know they believed themselves "hidden" in plain sight and I don't think the group knew at first, at least, that they were NOT hidden from me, even though they were acting out all the time, right in front of me!

Of course, Dale understood it way back then though didn't he? He was observing the action between the two sides of his recreation. The target on the one side and the manipulated group on the other...Right, game boy? So, as to the question I asked, "who is it that is being fooled," I know the answer to it now. Here it is...The aggressor and the manipulated mob are fooling themselves. The group "thinks" it understands something it really doesn't understand at all. Of course, there is no reason why they should since it doesn't actually have anything to do with them in the first place. They are just identifying " with" and supporting the aggressor because he has CONNED them and led them to believe, right from the start, they are supporting the victim, HIM, against an aggressor, me as he has directed them o believe.

That, all you experts and followers of the "game" is exactly what the "switch" of Dale's training is all about. The false premise. What you believe to be true, as Dale was taught, depends upon from where you see the starting point of the action. This is all in the book on it which Jill H. read and found NO EVIDENCE that the nurse from hell was doing It. As I said to them listening and pretending they weren't in 95, "If you pull out the premise, everything I've said and done after that sounds crazy, even I can see that." Then I asked Mr. "T." "Shall we rescue each other"? (referring to his "Waiting for Godot" comment which he had used on me without witnesses during his little set-up in the hallway.) You see, I was giving him a chance then to get out of It, if it was just an "accident" or a "misundestanding" as I had once believed. Mr. "T." however declined my offer and showed ME, at least, his true colours. Now what do all of you experts think that means?

Tell me Homewood staff and Administration...have you analyzed the meaning of my statement, "I am not expendable," as yet? Or is it still just meaningless nonsense to you?

Stay tuned Guelphites....More to come so keep tongues of yours wagging non stop, as always.

Mad Mob Mutations.......

How Gossip Grows and Changes Form

So....Allegedly....

Groupthink metasticizes like a spiritual cancer.

As Blanche D., Comcare Guelph, once noted about the Homewood staff, ''Anything personal about anybody just goes through there like wildfire.''

Of course, when Blanche perceives that, it is just the truth. When I do, as a person labelled by those doing it, it's ''paranoid delusions.'' Interestingly, Blanche also heard my truth as a ''joke'' or else my paranoid delusions. It shows how suggestible most otherwise intelligent people really are, doesn't it?

To paraphrase Mary Walsh, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, ''Blanche dear.....come onnnnnnn.....''

After all, how long is it going to take all of you to see something that would be obvious to a ten year old? How long does it take the ''superior'' people of Guelph to connect the dots?

Let me help. I will give you some concrete specific examples of the group contagion--one of the specific effects in the book Jill H. read, analyzing the nurse's ''special'' training. Think of this from my point of view as ''the subject,'' reduced by my ''superiors'' to the level of the unconscious, ''stupid'' object of observation. This is what it is like to be watching your watchers, watching you.
Let's look at a fairly recent example to start:

I have already mentioned Cheryl F. to you who lived in the apartment overhead for a year. I have also heard that she ''agreed'' with someone to do just that and to try to ''connect'' with me. (she didn't succeed.) SHE is connected to both Mark and probably to Randy F., of the same surname, ---G.T.C. The G.T.C. has been involved in watching and ''assessing'' me, just as I ''claimed'' since at least 93.

After Cheryl had moved in, I came home one evening to find my landlord (who thinks he is my psychiatrist apparently) knocking on her door, as usual without calling first. Other tenants have mentioned this fact to me also, and he has done it to me frequently in the past, despite my repeated requests to please call first and not just arrive at my door without notice. He always agrees to it and then doesn't bother.
On this occasion with Cheryl, she was in the bath tub at the time and was hollering through her apartment door, ''I'm sorry but I really can't come to the door right now.''
I thought of my own previous experience with him and that of the previous tenant also.
Two days later when I ran into Cheryl I said, ''Well, I see you've had your first surprise bath tub visit from our landlord...'' ( this is intended as colloquial style speech) She said, ''Oh, does he do that?'' to which I responded, ''Oh yes. He has done that to me too, and the tenant before you complained about the same thing.''

I now think it may be possible that Cheryl was living there in the first place (?) to look for signs and symbols. I know for a fact that someone called her to discuss me and to fill her in on one of the versions of my ''reality.''(in secret of course)

Next thing I hear is that there was a little meeting held at which Cheryl tells my landlord that I told her, he ''walked right in on her while she was taking a bath.''

(the first step of the gossip mongerers mutation has now been taken. It gets better from here.)

He then informed her that she really couldn't go by anything I said (which I have heard through the gossiping grapevine he has said before )and explained to her that I was a mental case which I have also heard he has assessed for other tenants and trades people as well, and which they in turn have been asked to tell him "anything they may hear" from the university or people's relatives...like say those working for Homewood or the G.T.C.

Next step: The landlord next starts telling other people what Cheryl told him I was supposed to have said. (the "interpretation" of it anyway)which is then acted ut for me in the town square and on the buses by all of the righteously indignant, superior people of Guelph, still assessing both me and the situation and all they have heard and spread, year after year.

After I get all this news, I leave Cheryl a little not taped to the back door light switch stating: "If you are going to be telling other people what I have said to you, I would appreciate it if you quote me verbatim please, since the "interpretation" of what I say changes the meaning etc...."

The result of that is a very common one. There is no DIRECT response from Cheryl at all. One way or another. Instead, she once again gets on the phone to somebody, right over my head, to a third party assessor....hmmmm? Wonder who it is this time? Police? Tim the Apostle of the Psychiatric Faith? Steve P. again? Dale T. ?(who is said to have been doing it before ? Dr. Brian F.? The Landlord; amateur shrink and part time sleuth? Who knows. There are now so many involved with the new psychiatric Gestapo, who could possibly keep track of who is whom? Since "covert" is their favoured way of being who could ever prove anything huh?

After discussing me with someone who had called her to discuss "Pat Lefave" she gets back on the phone to discuss her new instructions with her other "normal" people.

Of course, I as the object of the groupthink assessment, am not "allowed" to communicate directly with those involved in the covert ops, misdirection and disinformation produced by the Faith. By this point, I am no longer interested in playing the covert ops. game with Cheryl so I didn't bother talking to her anymore. beyond saying "hello." I already from previos experience that the "normals" who believe they are my "superiors" in either understanding or worth can't really hear anything I say to them as "real" and it always shows in their faces, in their patronizing little tones and in their consistently duplicitous behaviour. Now, I am asssessed by the group around the building as strangely "unfriendly" and of course, they don't know why since their act is "hidden" from me in their own grandiose group opinion. There is always a facade presented which is as obvious to me as a collie turd on top of a snow bank but behind which they beleive themselves to be "hiding." All it is rom my pint of view is patronizing and just plain idiotic, but I KNOW they will deny that they are who they are, just as they deny I am who I am. It is all part of the dysfunctional game, part of the group delusion.

So, the first mutation of what I said starts spreading through the group contagion that is the Guelph gossip machine. My landlord starts looking for support from others again, in "secret." One day last winter he was with someone (male) in the basement looking for paint brushes or something. There he felt the need to present his case in dealing with me. (something he has done very often with other tenants and trades people which he of course, denies. ) He tells the guy (which I might guess is Doug who works for Tina the painter, though I did not see who it was as I was sleeping originally) that he is kind of worried about the things I am saying about him and not sure what he should do about it. He then gets sympathy from Doug (or whomever) who has already been informed by the landlord of my mental state, along with many others in the building.

I have let the landlord know I am aware of his behaviour and have found it disturbing. he simply denies it and then keeps right on behaving the same way. (once Cheryl moved out for example, the new tenant was intructed in how to "deal" with me and had my "mental problems" explained to her. He likes to tell others that I called the police on him you see and he also likes to think he knows why, telling them he has not entered my apartment without my knowledge or consent. I am only "claiming" he does that. The poor falsely accused landlord!

That day last winter with the other guy in the basement I had a note on my door asking for quiet please as I had worked all night and was sleeping. The guy with my landlord helped him. He slammed the basement door as hard as he could and then asked, "Do you think she is still sleeping." My landlord then laughed with amusement, (something he does quite frequently in his covert explanations of me for others,) but I am sure he will deny this and as long as the guy he was with doesn't talk, he will be believed I am sure. All those doing all the talking always are.

(That is how our complaints about them become our "symptoms." We only "think" we are being talked about and harassed by others but "really" other people would never behave that way. Would they?) After all, he has a very personable and friendly facade and I believe that perhaps Brenda D. (who is associated with the volunteer centre in some way, and used to be his landlord ) has "corrected" my perception of my experience of him in which she plays no part, with those who are watching together for signs and symbols of madness everywhere, still unable to connect the "people" I am talking about, who are talking about me, with THEMSELVES. Note the endless circular arguments.

Next, the public and the new tenant starts the next phase of the public acting out. New tenent overhead tells the others in the building now that the landlord told her I called the police on him for no reason . What a "female dog" I am once again declared to be. Once, they put the radio on and take the opportunity to mock me for being so crazy as one says, "Ha ha I am going to call the police on you!" Earlier, the guy in the basement of the house next door was asked a couple of questions and showed the one who asked him exactly who this moron that I am, actually is. I walked out the door as the one with the brown curly hair was talking to him in his back yard. "That's her..." said the kid. "Hello" I said back at him since I was six feet away. NO reponse at all. A familiar invisibility for those of us who are labelled and mocked on a daily basis. Later, the kid's girlfriend soothed him when they saw me at the Library. "Don't you worry about it honey," she crooned, as the kid's eyes filled with the glow of self satisfied amusement.

I have seen the middle aged man, with the brown curly hair before. Once as I was being pointe dout to him at Old Quebec Street and ince standing at the back Of the Bank of Montreal as the receptionist told me I would have to wait for my appointment with Maggie as she was talking to a detective right now. The guy she was talking to at the time I have seen pointing me out to his wife(?) and also on the bus and getting off at Earl Street. Wait till you hear who all lives around Earl Street. I also told Homewood and Comcare Guelph that the Bank employees were involved in the public assault on me in 95. All people seemed to believe one of teo main themes in this. That there was joke or a game being played OR that it was an intervention for a "schizophrenic." I have alo heard publicly that it all goes back to the same guy. Guess who the guy is? I wil give you a hint. It was the one who was also rumoured to have talked his way inside my aprtment on Liverpool St and perhaps into The one I am in now as well. He is connected in both cases to Harry M. who is rumoured to have gotten the co-operation of my landlords.

I have heard several times that my current landlord has been in my apartment many times, without my knowledge or consent and has also had other people in there with him. Guess why I called the police? Go on. Take a guess. How would you like to spend all your time wondering if your protagonist, who has never been caught, is still using his so-called training to manipulate others into letting him into your home, covertly, by telling them you are crazy and he is only trying to get you the "help" you need? Would you feel safe? You see, according to his trainng programming, he wants "to see my fear." Ask Jill H. about it. It is in the book I directed her to read, in January 2001, after which, though I offered to come and discuss how it was used in my case, she had no questions at all about it. In fact, she let me know in writing that "really" nothing happened. She then told Paul R., who had witnessed my meeting with Ed. Perez and herself, that "Homewood would not be responding to anything I had to say after that." She just thought HE should know.

True to there word, I have not received so much as a single response from any of them since. Unquestioned power is a great thing to have isn't it. You don't have to know anything you would rather not when you have it.

More to come stay tuned.....

Appropriate Affects

There are some signs in Guelph today of a growing and healthy shame in the citizens who have been mocking and ridiculing me for a very long time, certain that they knew all about my life, understanding and experience better than I possibly could.

Sometimes we need to tell all the details, publicly, which those who join in the abuse think are so well ''hidden.''

For some that is the only thing that will motivate THEM to change their arrogant minds.

See....crets......And Assessments

From this point on I am not going to give you the details about where I heard what from whom. If you don't understand by now that the "people" I "think" are talking about me are YOU people who are doing all the talking, you never will. That should be seen as a no-brainer by now.

Instead, I am just going to repeat back to you ALL the rumours which have been acted out for me by Homewood staff, landlords, other tenants and the public in general for the last twelve years or so. I will do so without discernment and without concerning myself as to what is, or is not, true, either in part or in whole. You know...like you "normal" people do.

For years now there have been so many versions of my supposed "reality" going, all of them apparently better than my own, it is impossible for me as the "subject" to separate all the truth from the lies. Still, the passing years have given me more and more information about those involved. Finding the book that laid out the details of the nurse's training also provided me with the abstract "play" which allowed me to fit the concrete details of my experience to it. It was proof for me that I did not expect I would ever find.

I actually told Homewood staff, C.M.H.C staff and the Comcare office (when it was here) exactly what the nurse was doing long before I broke down under the pressure from community abuse as orchestrated by the nurse and his co-workers. I was not interested then in holding the people he manipulated accountable and said as much, but it made no difference to those holding all the power. So now, I no longer care about what I reveal. As someone pointed out to me long ago; they don't care about the results to you and your life so why should you? I must admit I was hoping for some signs of integrity by now but obviously my hope was in vain.

So after I told them and many others what Mr. "T." was doing, I was "corrected" by one and all who were certain that they understood my experience and awareness of it better than I did. As I've said many times, about twenty per cent of these rumours I have witnessed personally being acted out for me, usually prefaced with something like, "The she is...If you ask ME....etc" then they express their opinions. Every one has one you know. That also is part of the examples given in the nurse's training. Most of my information though( the other eighty per cent)is coming from people, often complete strangers to me, who either say, "That's her...." and then announce what so-and-so said about it or what so-and-so said to what's-his-name. It also comes from people who use my full name while I stand near them listening to who they know who said what unaware that I am the one they are judging. These strangers then feel qualified to assess the situation, me and my life with an air of entitlement as they do so and an attitude of superiority that is often nothing short of ludicrous.

So, here we go. From this point on and with one constant "allegedly" in place,I will repeat back to all of you assessing me, everything I have heard from all of you. Full circle you might say. Just like I did before to the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3 at Homewood, of which they are fully aware.

I will call these new style posts, "The A.C.T.S." which will now stand for the Aggressive Community Tattling "Secrets." I think of it as the ACTS for the Apostles of the Psychiatric Faith. (I'm smiling here...not too much, and not too little. I wouldn't want to attract a Reid or anything.) Be sure to tell the twelve disciples (my city has received funding to hire twelve more A.C.T.T. workers)when you see them proselytizing out here in the world of reality.
( I am actually not sure if they are still disciples or if they have become full fledged apostles, already out here preaching the word of the Faith)

Oh listen. Tell Mr."T." there is no need to go into his act about being so afraid of me again. I report myself to the police ALL the time. They are keeping a close eye on me. They know where I live, have my unlisted phone number, and my Web addresses so they can monitor everything I am saying at all times. Every word cookie. So you can relax now can't you? I wouldn't want to have to see your fear any more than you would like to see mine. And I MEAN that with all sincerity. So, we are in agreement on that too.
I also said way back then, that I knew this was going to take a while to get done, since I had no CONCRETE proof back then that MR. "T." was doing what I said he was. I think you might remember that I told all of you listening,(in secret, in plain view ) that if you weren't going to help me then just get out of my way so that I could break Mr. "T." OFF of me.

Now, unlike the more "social" and "friendly" citizens here, I don't repeat everything I hear to others. However, since it seems to be necessary in this case (the same people are still spreading the rumours and still altering and adding to them too!) I am going to change my ways in order to show you to yourselves, from the "object" of the community assessment's point of view.

Hold on to your righteous indignation boys and girls. It's going to be a bumpy ride. As his training taught Mr."T." the switch is either on or it's off. If I "flip the switch" and turn on the light of understanding for the victims and the group, so that they are no longer "in the dark," I simultaneously switch off the "game boy's" secret power. ( It is a lot like one of Jon Stewart's moments of Zen isn't It?) When the rest of you finally wake up to reality, this game is finally over---as I already told all of you listening in around May or so of 95.

Here we go. Time for the ACTS of the Apostles; Chapter and Verse:

ACTS, Sample of Chapter One: January, 2006

Apparently the bus drivers and Library employees aren't sure WHAT to think now...( according to Mr. "T."'s training, that is one of the steps towards enlightenment...no longer being certain that you know. Why don't you ask him to explain his training to you.

One last comment. You know that in Mr. 'T.'s'' training it taught him that if he uses this power It will give him ''access.'' What kinds of ''access''' did you covert operators of Guelph give to him....exactly?

She "Thinks" She's Psychic

As Always It's Allegedly....


I once repeated back to the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3. "That's right. I'm psychic" (after they mocked me for it in "secret", right in front of me. Elizabeth S. (you remember me mentioning her on the tapes?. ...I know she does) is alleged to have remarked, "She actually believes that doesn't she?" (As I've said, I have no idea which of the rumours is true and which not, but, since it does not concern others in this way, I have decided to become way more "normal" like them) In any case Elizabeth, the answer to your (?) question is "Yes. I actually do dear. Not because of all the bloody obvious acting out all of you did while apparently believing yourselves magically "hidden", as I have learned since, but rather because what is behind your acting out and the understanding which I have of the one who was directing you all to do so, and then expected you to cover it all up in order to save yourselves from any unpleasant consequences. he's the one who once asked me (so that I would get it later when it was too late) "Did you ever work someplace where the politics was MORE important than the actual work?" ( yes indeed)

As I have said many years ago, I admit that he fooled me for awhile too but, I didn't remain fooled and of course, he knew I would not remain fooled, since I knew what went on between the two of us for which he made sure there were no witnesses. That is also part of the old Master plan you know.

What the boy did NOT understand was that I understood most of what he was doing LONG before he knew that I did. I also knew that the only way out of this was going to be through, so I kept on playing the game with a goal of catching his sorry little psycho ass in his own trap. Perhaps you remember me saying that too?
"You better be careful P.J. that I don't catch YOU in the trap you set for me." Were you and all you friends on the Hamiltons not listening in on my answering machine quite as carefully that day? I heard that you all knew I was talking to you, long before I ever broke down. or see, I was repeating it all back to the nurse from hell, Homewood staff (all yapping their brains out as usual all over the hospital)and the bus drivers assessing me, so that you would all recognize the truth of the matter, that you were not "hidden" from me....and you DID recognize it as expected. But then, you decided to pretend you did NOT know. it is your persistent lack of integrity as a group that is now going to cost you. you could have resolved this long ago but you all decided you didn't need to bother.
I don't have to DO anything really. I already told Homewood staff and C.M.H.C. people that the public was fully involved LONG before I broke down. You all chose to deny it and to try to convince me I did not know my psychological posterior from my nurse/protagonist's "hole" in the ground.
Now, your denial and YOUR refusal to deal with reality is going to be your downfall and also your public shame. For when I said, "You people should be ashamed of yourselves," I meant exactly what I said, both then and NOW.
But you see, when I am dealing with people who have convinced themselves they already know everything, there is no stopping them, and sometimes, the only thing anyone can really do in such a situation is just let go and let them suffer the consequences. With some people that is the only way to motivate them to change their minds when they won't have It any other way. One just has to let them get It for themselves. Isn't that right Mr. T.?