New Posts and Additions to Old Ones

If I expanded on anything that I have already written and posted, or added something new, I will place the Title of that post and the date of the addition here. You can use the Blog search engine on the home page to locate it as long as you copy the Title exactly.

Sunday, July 13, 2008
To Deny for July ...addtion August 7th and more to come on this post yet just to finish my July 'delusions'

Marching Madness 2009

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A Spoonful of June

Completed May 31st 2008
What Blooms in May 2008


For my complete story on the conceptual level, click onto the Archives link, ''May, 2008". It is complete under that future date.

Patricia's Razor :(More to come on this series so stay tuned....It will be very plain language describing my ongoing experience here in Guelph. As I have told others, we can never be simple or plain spoken enough in this so I will soon add a more casual monosyllabic sort of tone to the story)

This article on "Nuts R Us" seems relevant to me and my own situation. Of course, I am just reading too much into things as always I'm sure.
http://pistachiopress.blogspot.com/2006/10/children-of-woodlands.html

Community Update: March 2008

These are more of the current themes and judgments running through the community at large and still being acted out for me on a daily basis. In general they include:
A cop is watching me from the Royal Plaza , New Comcare workers have discussed me on the bus as well as at a meeting that allegedly took place in January or February to which I was not invited or notified about and that they are not giving me any new work. The latest excuse allegedly being used is the inability of my employers to contact me sufficiently (though when they COULD, they didn’t then either)
It is being said that I am ‘being treated like a rookie.’ Riverside Glen staff has had more news and passed it along allegedly to Artie on that route who has in turn passed it along to other bus drivers and passengers as always. The residents of most of the Housing buildings have become involved. In my own apartment building there was a Comcare worker who came to a client there when a CCAC contract worker was not available. The resident promised the others she would ask HER about me and get back to my new neighbours with anything she managed to find out. ( No doubt this worker then went back to the office and passed along anything she found out as well or that was asked of her. One other resident has been interviewing my neighbours as to my personal habits and has passed along this opinion to her visitor who is one of the regular mall crawlers who has been involved in this for many years. He in turn has passed that along to the aboriginal looking guy who has passed it along to the female table wiper who passes everything she gets along to everyone at the mall, (she often takes extra time to sit with them in order to get and give all the latest crap)
There are two other ‘Pats” I my new area and I have at times been confused with one of them. One of these ‘Pats’ is said to ‘annoy people’ and goes door to door doing that.

Many wonder what I am ‘trying to do to him.” Some are quite put out about something although I could not tell you which of the many ‘hims’ involved they are referring to here.
Some now claim that ‘they’ know that everyone though I was attacking HIM and as it turns out, it is the other way around! Much of the latest news is being spread by relatives of former Homewood patents who are now visiting their loved ones at the nursing homes and discussing it there. Example; the one in my earlier notes with the red lipstick and gray hair that I used to see gossiping abut me on the bus after emerging from Homewood after 8pm turns out to be the wife of a former patient who was on the Hamilton units and who now sees him at Riverside Glen. I once wondered if she was a volunteer there from the coffee shop perhaps. One other who I have heard discussing me in the Old Quebec St. area, turns out to be a volunteer in the Homewood Library. (More of the ‘strangers’ I am deluded to ‘think’ are talking about me’) Beth H. has passed along her version of reality now to two women she hung out with from Homewood days and who have, in turn passed it along to others at the mall. A good time is being had by all of them. One of these has also passed along the news (to and from) one of the long time A.A. members. This A.A. Member has been seen and heard in the past, discussing the Twelve Step groups version of events with some of the bus drivers also. Homewood staff has also told people that I am an alcoholic (which I am not) and that they believe my psychosis was triggered by being a drunk. That has also been passed along to paramedics who in turn have suggested it to at least two doctors that I know of. I believe this came from being told I attended some Al-Anon meetings years ago and some of them don’t seem to know the difference between this and A.A. Many of these (in the A.A. groups) are the most verbal and the least ‘shy’ in their opinions expressed AT me in the streets with others, and they were also among the most verbal expressing their opinions of all of this as understood from the Homewood staff while they were there in program. Some of those were there as part of their plea bargaining on the advice of their lawyers.
One of the gossiping ladies who hang out with Beth H. also knows the woman from Housing on Delhi who has kept the bus driver informed of all the latest she gets. This same woman has also discussed me with the thin and righteously indignant senior “Christian” woman who lives in the Christian Village next to Riverside Glen where Mary W. also loves. Mary is one of the people who agreed to pretend the Homewood staff , on the unit where she worked as a ward clerk, staff did not do anything.
A ‘he’ is said to have 'Googled' me and found me on the web. If you ‘find’ this writing here ‘Google boy,’ whichever one of the ‘hes’ you may be, hope you get an idea of what it is like to be me surrounded by people who all think they know better and who openly hate me for causing all these innocent others to feel bad.

More themes include the usual and cyclical, “they say it’s a miracle.’
‘He doesn’t care about anybody.’ ‘She doesn’t feel anything for anyone and that is why she is so calm.’ She is just real mean and that is why she is doing this.’ (Whatever ‘this’ may be to the judge, who no doubt doesn’t like to judge.’)
Some are now saying ‘how embarrassing it all is to find out how we all look to her.’
“He says he is sure she knows.’ (Sorry don’t know either which ‘he’ that would be or what it is he thinks I would know. I know many things so I couldn’t even begin to guess. )
Also stated on the street, “bus drivers and everybody got all involved in it’.
Some wonder in my new building amongst themselves, “How long is it going to take to get over it?” (Covertly only of course…echoes of the never ending instruction from others (who can’t be blamed) , “you must let it go…..let it goooo….) Some of my newer neighbours have begun to blush. It is almost time for all the gossip mongering over all these years to make it all the way back, full circle, to slap the gossips in the face with their own nonsense. I still don’t have to say a word to anyone. They are all only too eager to do it to themselves. All I have to do is keep repeating it back and not try to stop them. This TOO is the ‘Zen like cuteness’ of the nurse’s so called ‘game.’ They have opted to catch themselves in the trap that was set for me and it has happened because they refuse to listen to a word I say. Those involved are bringing about their own justice you see and this is where the game concept applies, “you are the cause of your own pain.’ That is where Dale and his co-workers wanted to be though isn’t it? They want to be ‘superior’ to me and there has been no way I could talk them out of it no matter what I said or how many ways I tired to say it. They are determined to be “At cause and in total control of everything that happens to them rather than a loser at effect,” like ME.
Have it your own way then.
My new ‘friend’ and some of the women assessing my ‘illness’ for me at the bus stop, are at it again. Sometimes I talk to them and sometimes I don’t bother , which they discuss amongst themselves. And they don’t know why since I am naturally unaware of the gossiping they do which they are all sure I know nothing about, even when they do it a few feet away. So THAT can’t have anything to do with it can it?
One of the neighbours nearby has now pointed me out to the welfare couple who I ‘imagined’ was talking about me all these years. “That’s her ‘ she said to them as they identified me together, “That is the lady who lives in the building next to me.’ And they in return have passed along the version (or versions ) of my reality to her. This took place at the cash register of the Save Mart where another former employee of the Silver Dollar is still passing along the gossip from them to my new neighbours. She in turn also keeps the bus drivers informed of all she gets there. I still ‘think’ that people I don’t even know, like at Dollar stores, are talking about me. No doubt this will be considered to be one of my most ‘entrenched delusions.’ As I move towards homelessness after losing all of my retirement fund as well and towards the Workfare boys, (who also know nothing and have done nothing (har har har) I wonder if they will tell me out of the sides of their mouths again to ‘give it up lady…’’(smirk) Of course, if they too get control of me I will be obliged there also to pretend I do not know what I do know as I sure don’t want to offend my superiors who understand my life experience better than I do, in any way do I? I imagine a little ECT is being considered as the means to make me give up my ‘faulty’ perception of reality. Poor crazy me.
Another theme with some this week is ‘They will work it out.’ Those repeating it all over town are also debating both sides of the issue, as they understand it. As always, it has nothing to do with me. I am just the prop in the dysfunctional city wide ‘play.’ Even now, I have yet to be talked to directly or genuinely by anyone involved.
One of my nosier neighbours who actively pumps others for information, real or imagined, has a visitor (possibly her own son) who is a regular participant in the mall version of me and has been gossiping with the regulars there for years and also passing all the latest on to bus drivers as well. Now he is doing the same thing with this nosy duplicitous new neighbour. The same guy has kept it going with another one who hangs around down town keeping everyone informed also. He has been doing this all these years as well. Sometimes THAT one even says 'hi' to me with his jaw sort of slack and his eyes looking a bit puzzled when he does it. I don’t actually know him of course. It is kind of like being the Guelph version of Brittney Spears and her ‘mysterious’ breakdown here. When the constant pressure of being chased followed and assessed and harassed by everyone in sight gets to be more than you can take, the chasers get a close up of your distressed face to publish and claim that you look sort of ‘confused and disoriented’ and this is proof that you are a mental case who ‘thinks’ people are following her and breaking her down which justifies the chase. The old ‘cowboy' is still spreading it all at the mall and the 'new' cowboy who lives in the same building as” Donna’ the gossiping tenant is now working at the mall too, also wiping off table in the food court, so this should add lots more versions of information to the mix.
On the bus; 'It is just so sad….'
Library employee and her husband who is one of the mall gossips, “He says there are some big changes coming.’’’
These are some of the current themes echoing all over the community that sees , hears, and knows nothing…
“Others’ who have heard me complain don’t understand why since they think Homewood staff is ‘nice.’ (Nice to them)
“At least they fired him.’ (him?)
The mockers and ridiculers using the Internet at the Library have stopped the mocking and the smirks appear to be leaving their faces.
(Of course, this is often temporary and it tends to come back for another round)
“’They’ think that she knows.”
‘is it ever scary.’
‘It’s all of US doing it.’

Marion the motor mouth is at it again (or should say as usual) with another round of contempt and disdain directed at me who ‘only does it for the money.’ She likes to bad mouth me by name to other people. Of course I am not her lonely target as there is a lot of time to be running off at the mouth all day in her travels. I have heard her attacking others as well, often in the name of her ‘volunteer work’ at Homewood . After she pumps the patients for information there she then goes out into the community and shares that along with her assessment of all the situations for the benefit of others at random. She also opens her mouth as soon as she gets on the bus and hopes that anyone around her will engage in the conversation she is basically having by herself. Her eyes tend to be focused inward most of the time.
She is currently engaging some of my new neighbours by telling them ‘nobody likes her.”
I hear that ‘Diane’ (would that be Diane T.) says I am ‘just awful.’
I am experiencing another round of being accused of being a thief which is a recurrent theme since at least 94 that I am aware of. All the thief stories have been fabricated by all the gossips who think ‘something’ should be done about’ me. One of those thief stories came from a client I was assigned since then who allegedly told others that even though I was there to relieve her so she could get some sleep; she “had to stay up all night with her since she would be stealing from me if I didn’t.” Her daughter was allegedly outraged that they would send a mental case like myself to a client so my employer stopped giving me work, allegedly encouraged to do that by the nursing community here who passed along all the stories and assessments to them; covertly of course. Added to that, were a lot of fabrications which were used to cover over the mistakes of others, including the incompetent work of aids and other support workers in various places. Suddenly their sloppy work became my mistakes and I know of at least three occasions when I got the ‘credit’ for other people’s poor performance. That is part of the community scapegoating thing you see, which also is said to be non existent.

Later this woman who told others this told me, with a suspicious look on her face that, she ‘used to live on Liverpool Street .’ So I think we can have some idea where she got HER version of me and my reality from can’t we? That would likely be the landlord and his daughter who ‘don’t know a thing.’ Or perhaps it was Cheryl F. who just happened after that to move into my address on Woolwich where she allegedly had agreed to do that with someone else unknown to me for ‘a year.’
Donna, another no stop gossip (A newly added one, though it tends to remain the same group at the core of this all the time) is now wearing a purple scrubs uniform just like Riverside Glen staff so if that is the case, I would be they are all getting lots more ‘stories’ invented and passed around up there since some of the staff there is also former Homewood staff which was passing all the stories al the way back in time. (All denied by them of course) Perhaps Donna and Sara can join in a marathon mouth off session. I’m sure they would both enjoy another session of ‘righteousness’ as they say in Dales’ ‘game.’ Then that too can be passed along to bus driver Artie. He in turn can share that with the other drivers who as usual can pass it along to all the passengers which of course, all will deny. News Update:

Sad news. The critic from 387 that I thought might be working at the Riverside Glen and managing to connect in the gossip fest with the staff there too is not there. Her purple pants, much like those worn by the kitchen staff there, are just for the Humane Society Volunteer job. However, she still manages to get in a daily gossip session with the one who works in the same store where I ‘thought’ the employees were ‘talking about me.’ Of course she doesn’t like me at all, especially since she ‘found out’ she was visible and audible from a few feet away. So now she is talking out of the side of her mouth more, in the same way Homewood staff observing and assessing me did it in the past.

It is the opinion of a group of addicts heard in various places, that they feel they ‘should do something about HER since she obviously doesn’t care about anybody.’ The theme ‘she is calm because she doesn’t feel anything at all’ is now making the rounds, echoing thought out the community. A visitor to a gossiping new neighbour is a regular at the mall and has been part of the non stop expressing of opinions going on out there all the way back to 93. I have also seen that one with another regular downtown gossip often discussing it with bus drivers. This down town one is now allegedly telling people, “they think she has been stealing from the dollar store because she goes and looks down the aisles but doesn’t buy anything. The sales person who works there now also worked with Harry McC’s wife and Donna the chronic Gossip from 387 has managed to connect with her and also pointed me out to the female security guard down there I would like to nominate this one for a shot at the prize for town’ most malicious and versatile gossip monger, although she would have to fight a number of others for the title. Still she has managed to connect and mouth off almost everywhere and has become a true thorn in my side, she never stops. Of course she convinces herself I do not know what she is all about since I am considered by her to be ‘less’ than she. Perhaps we could make it a reality show?
The gray haired guy I once saw gossiping with the guy I named ‘Intrepid’ at the mall has been back at the library again. He always nods hello to me now. Wonder what version of my reality this guy has?
Three drinking buddies on the bus were talking abut how ‘they’ (?) had gotten right into my place and looked around.” Then, one of them got off at Speedvale Avenue housing where a guy now lives who used to live in number one at my address on Woolwich St. That was while he was in Homewood in the addictions program. Pretty coincidental all this isn’t it?
Many now think ‘the whole thing is very sad.’ (what that means of course will depend upon to which premise of ‘reality’ their judgment is connected. There are multiple versions of everything still going of course. Others agree that ‘it’ is ‘very sad’ but also ‘really really FUNNY.’ Especially the part about how the Homewood staff ‘made him believe that she was in love with him and also then made her believe he was in love with her! Har har har. That is ‘just sooooo…..funny.’

A woman points me out to a friend downtown commenting on how nice the Homewood staff was to HER. The duo were intent on negating my complaints about them (not that anyone actually knows anything of course)
Heard at the library: “well, at least they fired him so she could be happy abut that…”
An assortment of the usual mockers and commenters, who sit at the Internet terminals at the library, have suddenly gone silent and the smirks appear to be going.
University students comment on how ‘scary it is.’ There is a repeating of the phrase, “They think she knows…’’ about 20 times as I pass by people.
Marion Motormouth is at it again, keeping everyone informed of all the latest gossip on me and of course offering her derogatory opinions on me as usual from a few feet away. “Nobody likes her at a all. She only does it for the money 'etc. Now she has begun also to connect to my new neighbours and giving them her opinion, just as she and many others connected to offer their opinions on how awful I am to my other neighbours before this. Many of them also think that a ‘he’ is a real fool for putting up with me and also that it must because he ‘likes being manipulated.’
A ‘Diane’ says I am just awful…again ...would that be Dale (Gameboy) T.’s wife I wonder or some other 'Diane.' ?
Donna 387 has now been seen in a purple scrubs outfit which leads me to believe she may well be working in the kitchen service of Riverside Glen. (I could be wrong of course) But wouldn’t that be interesting? She can then tell more of her stories there and get more stories from former Homewood staff involved Like the very contemptuous little miss Sarah who was also not shy about expressing her opinion of me while in the dining room at Homewood (where I ‘thought’ staff were talking abut me all the time behind my back or even from a few feet away) (who still don’t know a thing officer/doctor) and then she can bring all the poop back to the new neighbourhood with her and all the tenants can pass that long through the buildings and at the bus stop and hopefully pass even more new stories back. (Not that any of these little darlings DO this of curse. I am just hallucinating conversations like always.)
One of the people who has been getting the “Intrepid’ version of me is Kerry R. who also hangs at the library occasionally and is currently looking for a new job. I got his name off of the resume he is writing. If you can find him, he can tell you whatever version of reality he has.
Three drinkers were recently on a bus and discussed how ‘they’ had got right into her place and everything.’ One of them stated he had not heard that one before. (The police have heard it from me though as I told them I had this acted out for me many years ago as well) One of these got off the bus at Speedvale Housing where one of the graduates of the Manor program now lives. He also once lived directly above me and there was a series of Manor graduates who moved in after him as well. I think they passed the address along right inside the program at Homewood . One of them was there as part of a plea bargain and went directly to jail. (MY landlord had told me he was NOT an abuser and was ‘a real nice guy.’ Some of these enjoyed themselves by harassing me right after I got out of the hospital post breakdown. I was then n the receiving end of more of the same, which was of course, thought to be my attention seeking behaviours.
Recently (last week of March) it is being stated by the public actors, “She has convinced them.’
I wonder what I have convinced them of now.
Oh yes more identification of the actor for you. I forgot that I had found a notice in the paper of the people affected by the fire in the Gummer building. Besides seeing the woman who has made many comments in my direction and to others as well on TV talking about how she used to work there, I also got a corrected name and identity out of the newspaper. It seems the name was wrong on the TV spot though her name is ‘Wendy’ In the paper she is listed as a medical doctor. She now lives on Paisley, I saw her at Homewood talking to Shashi and also talking to one of the graduates of the program there whom I refer to as ‘the head shaver.’ She has also acted out her opinion of me and the situation on the street to others as well as discussed it in my presence at the old West End bakery shop where a former employee of the Silver Dollar used to work.

(I ‘think’ I see connections that others don’t.)(Supposed symptom of mine.)

Apparently a cop says there is no reason in this and he has shared that with others and my new neighbours are now sharing it and their ongoing opinions on the bus. Of course, as always, what that means depends on the premise of belief to which this is attached. What it means to one it does not necessarily mean to the other. That is part of the demonstration of my protagonist’s game of course and one of the points of the whole thing… har har har…I predict that those of you who don’t like me now are going to like me one hell of a lot less before I am done talking about you. If you don’t like it though take your own advice and stop making such a big deal out of nothing. So I am talking about you; so what? Show me how much better you can handle life than I can. Get a nice psychiatric label for yourselves, forced out of your job and told you imagined the whole thing and then teach me how to be wise and superior LIKE YOU. Don’t forget to smile no matter what as they tell me that is one of my biggest problem; I am not friendly or smiling enough to suit the others who can’t be blamed.

There is a bit more to go in this months post here but first I do want to get this news in too: Once again, I have been sent surprise cable TV I did not order and it is ll the channels again. Remember this one from before, back in 96/97 or so? Then, it was supposedly a test to see if I would know it was there and it may be again too though I have no idea how long it has been there. I DO know it was NOT there when I moved in as I tried to use the wire plugged in to see if it would boost my TV antenna. I didn’t there though it sometimes did in some apartments even if not hooked up. I think it was the wiring itself that helped to make a clearer picture on the channels I could get with rabid ears. )
Last time I heard announced on the bus radio that this was a test to see if I got it and that Reid Finlayson (who does not know a thing) was one of two men who went to check and see. (That was one version of the story acted out for me anyway) Then there was another drama acted out by the employees of Radio Shack back then. I wonder what the next step in the drama will be this time. I can only wait and see what marvelous manipulations go with the same thing this time. I suspect that someone actually has more money than brains. Oh well, I am just a spectator in my own life here anyway. My job is to watch it disintegrate without whining bitching or complaining about it.
More on this post soon.
AND HERE IT IS....
One of the people I have seen talking to the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ has been at the Library several times. He has sat beside me at the word processor and worked on his own résumé. His name is Kerry R. (last name available to police if wanted so you can grill him on which version of my reality HE got. )
Many people think my case is ‘very sad.’ (As always of course, what that means will depend upon which version of my reality the individual pronouncing it all ‘very sad’ have attached it to as a premise. That is true for everyone involved of course and one should not assume while discussing it with everyone you know (Not that any of you do of course) that the person you are making your pronouncements to has the same premise of belief as YOU do. You had better check with each person first so you will be able to know the differences in meaning since they are hard to nail down. After all, you don’t want too get disconnected form concrete reality do you? You might get proclaimed to be a genetic defective like me if you do.
There are still multiple versions of it going everywhere. Some for example are currently saying it is really sad and yet really funny too. Not that people are amused by my losses of course for if I thought that, it would only be my bad brain chemistry talking.
One of the ‘really funny’ version is that ‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then they made her think that he was in love with her? Don’t you think that is just sooooooo….funny? Some of the local educated nitwits do.

BY the way, in an amazing coincidence just like before, I now have surprise cable TV again. I have not asked for this nor received any word on it either. The SAME channels I got the time Dr. Reid Finlayson was announced to be one of two men who went to look to see if I got it on Woolwich St. Pretty amazing coincidences huh? There are a great many of them too.
University students tell each other that I am ‘mad at the doctor.’ (which one? I am actually pretty disgusted with quite a large number of them.)
A young woman who was right in T2 in 95 sees me in the town square and looks at me with a pained face. She was also aware I was being harassed inside the hospital because they had not done enough apparently in stressing me into a breakdown.
Many of the people acting out all these years are now pretending they don’t know me and don’t recognize me. (Such as the back pack big overweight guy with the Buster Brown haircut who discussed with another in my presence as to whether or not I was really female or just a transvestite)
Some students at the library announce that I am French and that they ‘don’t like her at all!’ (I am quite unpopular in fact with the ‘certain that they’ know types, as Dale’s training would describe them)
Several of the employees at the Dominion Building have discussed me further as to whether or no that fact that there is still anything left of my job should prove I am stable mentally or not. (I think of them as secretaries and clerks acting as community psychiatrists and assessors. One of them thinks she know what job I would ‘have the personality for’ too.

Mirror Update

February/ March, 2008

I am pronounced to be ‘such a phony’ by tow of our male addicts observing me in the Downtown centre as I pass by. They say this loud enough for me to hear since they want to make sure I have their opinion of me. I do not know either of them nor do they know me.
A Comcare worker is coming to one of my neighbours. They make plans to pump her for information which can then be passed along to all of those who are pretending not to know anything. Pushing into my personal space and telling stories is extremely important to many of them it is how they live each day.
The crew members replacing a ceiling have now been given my apartment number by one of my neighbours who has also provided them with a character analysis of me and some of my other neighbours. Again, service people in the city need to know all about the character and any stories they can get on the job. Often landlords are only too willing to pass along any information asked for. Of course, they then must lie about it as it would not be good if their tenant’s ‘found out.’ One of these workers in fact asked about me specifically. It has happened several times before.
Bus fare box sessions are still being held to get all the latest twists and turns on the story, (that does not exist anyway)
The Old Quebec St. merchants holler out, “As it turns out she’s really smart!” the customers observing me say to each other as they laugh out loud.
“They say it is really very simple and that this is going to go down in history.”
(I wonder who says that.)students on the bus think alternately that the whole business is very sad but also VERY funny. This is repeated often this week.
So is ‘they say it is a miracle.” There have been several rounds of this comment over the years too.
I see a guy going into another tenant’s apartment who is also one of them at the mall all the time. He also gossips with cleaning staff, the aboriginal guy and has been seen filling in bus drivers on whatever he picks up there as the latest news and views. ( continue to hallucinate this activity as always. Others simply wonder why I would be so upset by this since this is how ‘life is.’
(I wonder why they don’t notice it is not ‘normal’ to focus on one person from a distance for 15 years without ever communicating directly while always denying it at the same time? Do they not get it is the denial of this as a group phenomenon that is what gets ‘diagnosed’ in the individual who reports being on the receiving end of it? I don’t think they do. They see some of it but continue to exclude themselves from the process deluding themselves they are ‘objective observers” as always)
I hear some of the locals enjoyed my post titled “Messages off the TV Just for Psychiatrists.’ I am sure someone would like to convince me I simply hallucinated that conversation. Some are reading ‘in secret.’
Some of the addicts are getting a little less overtly mouthy lately although those who are complaint with taking drugs for their addiction problems tend to bond over the ridiculous idea that I could possibly understand any of this better than they.
Someone, (A “HE” apparently went to a meeting of some kind and when they were all there ‘he’ stood up and said, “I am very disappointed in all you people.’
Norm M. has discussed what I wanted to do with others and his wife(?) while passing by me on the downtown streets.
They know I am on ‘Websites and everything.’
It is said it ‘scared the hell out of them.’ Someone has told them the truth.
I hear my employer was in Guelph for a meeting to which I was not invited. I also heard I was discussed there by some and that it was ‘amusing’ there too. I have also heard that they have work they give to others even though I am the one with seniority. I have also heard that some have even asked for me specifically and my employer turned them down and told them (even before my phone was disconnected() that they did not know how to reach me or rather ‘when I was home.’ I have heard on the streets of Guelph now that they are not giving me work now because I do not have a phone which I can not pay for because they did not give me work when I had one either. I have also heard that they are not giving me work because they have to protect the business and not allow people to think they hire mentally ill people or allow them to work there. Of course, this is ALL hearsay as no one ever talks directly to me about any of this even after fifteen years of my growing personal losses.
The mall is still a great place to get all the latest on me and ‘him’ and is being added to and passed further now as some of my new neighbours have work connections there. It is especially good to talk to the table wipers one of which also lives in my neighbourhood and has seen me elsewhere as well, many years ago.
I was on a pay phone in February confirming my March hours (I also use my E-mail to communicate with my office daily) when I hear a woman overhearing me say “March’ and commenting, “March! Does she not even know what month it is?”
I wonder if that was someone checking for time and date orientation. Perhaps it was a Homewood nurse who now lives in that building. I wonder if I should expect another ‘intervention’ soon based on all the brilliant observations of those who look for signs and symbols of madness everywhere except in themselves?
They say ‘you cannot say anything in front of her or she knows what you are talking about. Isn’t that amazing? “ (Only if you need to believe you understand this better than I do which, other than my protagonist, no one does.
It is said, ‘He is afraid to leave her a message as he is afraid she will not call him back. “ (where was ‘he’ going to leave it? One thing is for sure; a message not left anywhere cannot be returned. Believe me I have a lot to say and much to HEAR first.)
Some of the folks in my building discuss what I do on the job and one says, “well I don’t see how she can do that and not feel bad about it.’ (work with the dying)
Answer from male judge:
“That’s easy. She doesn’t care about anybody so she doesn’t’ t feel anything at all.”
Later, these same people will ask after my well being, plastic smiles plastered on their faces to ‘fool’ me.
Folks at the library tell each other, “ she couldn’t explain it all then because she did not understand it all herself.
Newer bus drivers read the name on my pass again.
Two of the rougher members of this community, both male abut 35 ish, discuss how ‘something needs to be done about her. Obviously she doesn’t care about anybody else.”
Another of my neighbours who has also been discussing me and my character since I moved, is also now working at the mall in the food court. More fuel for the gossiping fire. One of the staff members on Dales’ unit looks at me and shakes her contemptuous little head in the negative. I have heard her recently using her patronizing little tone with practiced ease, on people she deals with in the community too. For many, working at the psych hospital seems to be quite the ego trip doesn’t it? The ‘correcting’ instructions and tone tends to leak out all over the community.
There is a current discussion abut putting children through the training system I have been put through here in public. Everyone is ‘just shocked.’ ( as usual)
Someone has been pronounced “a very good liar.’ ( a him)
Some now are whispering, “it is a thing from the sixties.’ (wish it was just from the sixties but it had mutated many times since then.)
A woman from Riverside Glen was very upset when she heard about the latest. She says , “that is why they were asking all those questions. They were looking for evidence.”
The residents of 21 Paisley involved in giving their opinions for many years have now got some more news and aren’t as overtly ‘amused’ as they have been before.
Some of the shoe guy’s gossiping buddies aren’t quite so sure of themselves any more either apparently.

This is the one that gets me this week:
This is the latest opinion said to be passing through the legal community: I am ‘ not really a bad person.” It is just that I am ‘different.’ I ‘do this to create excitement’ but apparently I am also ‘a really good worker.’
Another consensus opinion that excludes me from my own experience and offers the assessments of those who continue to diagnose me from a distance just as they have been dong all these years. They are even using some of the same terms. It amazes me that they still don’t notice that I am not even IN the story of my own life and experience and no one finds that at all odd or unusual or just plain stupid and arrogant.
Unfugginbelievable. If I had not experienced this myself, I would not have believed it was even possible for all these people to be this stupid for this long either!

Folks at the library announce that this is what I have been working on the whole time. A Shoe salesman tells another downtown merchant, “That lady knows more than they do.’
Pair of tenants tells each other that I ‘know everything they have talked about. ‘A new neighbour’s visitor (one of the regular gossips from the mall who has kept other gossips informed of all the latest as well as bus drivers) discusses me in my presence with one of the other regulars from out there. (the aboriginal; looking guy who always keeps the table wiper informed so she can tell others about me from behind her magic shield of three fingers raised to cover her mouth) The first one tells the other one, “Rob doesn’t know what to do now.”
(I have heard this line over and over again over the years. I have asked many times, “who is Rob?” but of course all of this is none of my business so I never get any response from anyone. It is a city wide ‘secret’ among many you see.)
The building key holder has been kept informed of all the latest rumours and opinions though like all the others she pretends to my face that she has not. One of the tenants who keeps the bus drivers and others informed all day has done the same with her. I am not always her topic of course. I have heard her mocking and ridiculing many other tenants as well. She appears to make herself feel superior that way. Frequently, like those at the mall, she goes into ‘whisper mode’ in my presence when she sees me coming. Multiply that act by a few dozen people every day and you will begin to get the picture from MY point of view; the one you DON’T get while you believe yourself to be one of thousands of people ‘hiding’ the truth while acting it all out every day. A bus driver shares more on the topic of me with some staff members at Riverside Glen. One of them used to share some of the news with the late Prof. Jay Newman. Jay Newman was once said to be at meetings with my ex psychiatrist from the Trillium section. and so it goes ...and goes...and goes...After all, I don’t expect the normal people to admit to this do I? I have been told by the experts that if I do, I have unrealistic expectations since admitting to anything would not be in THEIR own interests. See how the circle is kept unbroken? Around and around we go forever until or unless anyone normal can admit they are wrong...and they rarely if ever, do that. That is why I am ‘incurable.’ They are all still laughing at this great ‘joke.’
Now try thinking a little bit for a change. If I was one of the people who could never get out of being driven into psychosis over and over again ( and they almost did that twice after the first time) by this alternate reality that has been created for me and then denied, would it be all that shocking to know that this kind of unrelenting pressure on an individual sometimes results in suicide and/or murder? Do you really believe this happens ‘randomly’ and without any cause relating to concrete experience? How blind have you all had to make yourselves in order to keep believing in your own delusions of grandeur? I suggest to you that it is this which is the greatest and most destructive delusion of all and it is the normal who suffer from it most because of their externalizing of their own problems. It is the psychiatrized who suffer most of the results of that and most of the time it is not because we don’t see, but because we DO.
THINK about it.