October 2007
She’s rich.
She’s shabby.
She’s stupid.
She’s cheating.
She has her own computer yet she ‘claims’ she cannot afford a phone.
Everyone is shocked.
They think she might be a ‘borderliner.'
She has two different personalities.
(I talk to some people and ignore others.)
A group describes my imagined new ‘illness’ like ‘changing weather.’
Someone gave ‘him’ the spare key to her apartment.
It goes way back and it is almost impossible to see. (As ‘it’ is intended.)
She has ‘stolen’ a housing unit form someone who ‘really’ needs it.
Her phone is disconnected just for ‘show.’
She’s pulling in forty thousand a year.
She’s a millionaire.
Well, she’s got a lot of it wrong. Counterpoint: She’s got a lot of it right too doesn’t she?
The city employees, including Library staff, have been told to stop talking about it as all that is doing is creating more chaos.
Bus driver Jimmy H. (the one who informed Prof Phidd of ‘who’ I was) is still involved in all the latest gossip about it.
She has caused a lot of trouble in her life. (Alternate version) She has HAD a lot of trouble in her life.
Jimmy H., bus driver, is joined in gossip by another negative head shaker observing me on the bus together.
A number of addicts announce that they ‘can’t believe it.’
Men in suits discuss it in the square.
Someone says, ‘it is really embarrassing.’
A bus regular fills in a recent new staffer at Riverside Glen, “she told them what he was doing and that IS what he was doing.’
It is said I look pretty blasé about it all.
Bus drivers are being entertained by some residents of housing who are telling them stories about all the ‘crazies’ living there now and what they are like.
Some of the Homewood / manor ‘crazies’ are also entertaining bus passengers with stories of those they consider to be THEIR ‘inferiors’. (Often people who have been driven ‘crazy’ by addicts)
At the Dominion Building , someone is said to have become quite ‘alarmed’ about the situation.
Steve, from upstairs, gossips about it daily in the downtown square with many more of the town’s addicts. There is another round going on my sexuality been discussed again by more graduates of the Manor. I am sure they will work it out eventually for me.
A ‘he’ says that he told somebody that ‘she knows.’ (Sorry no concrete details on what it is he told other I ‘know.’)
A woman in Housing who works at a donut shop, I believe on Eramosa Rd repeatedly entertains bus drivers on the waterloo route with stories of the ‘crazies’ who live there.
One of the psychiatrized addicts likes to entertain other bus passengers with her contempt for me (she doesn’t actually know me but she has ‘heard stories.’) She had recently started hollering at me on the streets (as a number of manor ‘graduates’ have done) but now she is in yet another ‘course’ at Homewood where she is going in order to ‘make them do their damned jobs’ and ‘help’ her. Some angry contemptuous tenants of Housing are now calling me “The Big Deal” which has been led by one of the pushier tenants there who spends her days gossiping and story telling as much as possible. This Save Mart employee previously worked for the Silver Dollar in Old Quebec St . This one has managed to connect with the bigger one at the Save Mart (more drugs please) This tenant who is digging for more gossip so she can take it back for more group assessment with the housing gossips and also Peggy the Homewood gossip who keeps it all going in the community along with thousands of others (who all deny the whole thing of course) These gossips on masse will then act out their contempt for me at my regular bus stops as well as pass along all the crap to the bus drivers, who, in turn, will pass it along to the bus passengers. None of them of course, will know a thing officer/doctor when they are asked directly as they don’t want to open up a can of worms do they?
The current Save mart Gal got a lot of HER version of my reality from the folks who used to work at the Silver Dollar, especially from Mrs. Harry McCallion, although Peggy was prone to check in with them way back then too. These are all the people I ‘thought’ were talking about me, people I don’t even know. So since I don’t know them it would not be ‘logical’ for them to be behaving this way, therefore, they aren’t, and I am just mad if I ‘think’ they are. Therefore, I am just ‘seeking fame’ and this indicates that I am too dangerous to be running around loose which further indicates the ‘righteousness’ of those who gave me a psychiatric label in order to control me—or ‘totally control’ me as Dale would no doubt put it. (smirk)
Building residents are searching for a thief to blame for the loss of some frozen dinners. My name has apparently been suggested as a possible culprit, being ‘mad’ and all. (Besides, I am not very friendly to them and they can’t imagine why since all the gossiping they are doing is being done ‘covertly.’
Some working in the dominion building are quite alarmed by the situation. The town addicts are still working out my sexual identity for me.
A social worker passes through the library to se if the woman on the word processor is me. (She would know since she was one of the main group involved in the attack/joke/intervention.
Route number 1 driver has been gossiping with a regular passenger who gets on the bus near the White House apartments, perhaps from the housing units nearby. They hand signal each other , tittering like loons, when I am on the bus so that I ‘won’t know’ about them gossiping. It is working really well for them too. The head of the Homewood volunteers hopes ''that Pat soon gets the ‘help’ she needs. '' Knowing her, I am pretty sure she would mean a nice pill so I can be as normal as she. “The doctor says it is all connected.
It is decided generally that since it all happened almost fifteen years ago, (it is all over and done with them to them you see) ‘she needs to let it go.’ (I bet dale would really smirk at that line since both he and I know what that means in a way that no one else does!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Big News Flash
This week’s Big Newflash
"He" decided he needed to see a lawyer. "He" is ‘crushed,’ 'devastated,'and 'very upset.' Da poor thing....The meeting with the lawyer is on Friday the 26th of October. A group will be attending.
Da poooooor things. They're going to have another round of 'What are we going to do now?' (which always had taking care of thier own interests as the first priority of course...
Did you happen to hear Condoleezza Rice’s comments on the Arar affair?
Journalists noted that the words used were carefully chosen (vague abstractions) and that HOW you heard the same words seemed to depend on which side of the border you were on when you heard them.
That’s Nexus language.
Do you happen to remember the piece I posted abut Donald Rumsfelds’ jargon? A former trainee corrected journalist who had said it didn’t make any sense by enlightening us that it was from est training. He had taken it himself so he knew. Interesting isn’t it?
"He" decided he needed to see a lawyer. "He" is ‘crushed,’ 'devastated,'and 'very upset.' Da poor thing....The meeting with the lawyer is on Friday the 26th of October. A group will be attending.
Da poooooor things. They're going to have another round of 'What are we going to do now?' (which always had taking care of thier own interests as the first priority of course...
Did you happen to hear Condoleezza Rice’s comments on the Arar affair?
Journalists noted that the words used were carefully chosen (vague abstractions) and that HOW you heard the same words seemed to depend on which side of the border you were on when you heard them.
That’s Nexus language.
Do you happen to remember the piece I posted abut Donald Rumsfelds’ jargon? A former trainee corrected journalist who had said it didn’t make any sense by enlightening us that it was from est training. He had taken it himself so he knew. Interesting isn’t it?
Question for the Mystified Staff of Homewood Health Centre
And all of Their Supporters and Enablers
This question is directed quite specifically at the staff of the Hamiltons and the Manor as they were the most involved of all the hospital.
Let me know when you can make the connection between Dale T’s so called ‘game’ and the following ‘effects.’
I am ‘set up’ by Dale to believe we are involved in a ‘joke’ or a ‘game’ that includes me.
The group is ‘set up’ to believe I am the ‘starting point’ of the problem, not Dale, and this is no ‘game.’
The group acts out smirking and amused about what they believe is going on.
I take it as the joke I was led to believe it was by Dale.
They believe they are ‘superior’ people and therefore ‘hidden’ in plain sight by ‘inferior’ me.
The attack grows more vicious and they start spreading it everywhere.
I realize this is no ‘game’ or ‘joke’ that includes me.
I tell Homewood staff, both some people in person, as well as on the answering machine tapes they start to listen to every day that Dale is ‘orchestrating’ this whole thing. I decide to stay in order to expose him and stop him.
They deny anything is happening at all even though they know it is.
They have me told ‘covertly’ to keep quiet about it and not attempt to confront anyone else about this including in public.( I announced that on the answering machine the day after I was told to that too. The staff on the Hamiltons heard me say so and discussed it in my presence as USUAL)
They tell the participants in it, also ‘covertly,’ not to admit to anything.
This ensures resolution will never appear and it is this which motivates people whose major concern is with politics and appearances; not truth or resolution. Both sides would have to meet and resolve it for that to happen and this has now been successfully prevented.
I continue to talk and get threatened with more ‘treatment’ and losses if I don’t stop.
They also continue to gossip and the p8ublic gets more involved and more vicious in expressing their opinions and acting it all out for me.
Homewood and the University staff involved continue in the denial of it all just like every other dysfunctional group, labeling it a perception/reaction problem in me and offering a variety of labels with which to control me from ‘schizophrenic, bi-polar, personality disorders, character disorders’ etc. .
My report of their own acting out is ‘interpreted’ again for me as my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’ (After the entire event has been officially proclaimed by the experts who have participated in it to be non existent. (Existentialism anyone? One of Dales’ ‘topics of interest)
Tell me again about the importance of ‘ethics’ in psychiatry.
Here is another version of the same event and participation in it if that one doesn’t suit you.
My accurate perception of YOU (which I was led to believe was a joke or game) and your denial of that truth are “ONE” and the same.
Though you are lying and I am telling the truth about it, the perception of this reality has been turned around one hundred and eighty degrees by the guy who planned it that was when he set his goal FIRST, THEN played his ‘game.’ The rest of you have supported and enabled him in this just as he expected that you would. That is, in my opinion, why he smirked his way through it all.
This is how he gets ‘satisfaction’ from his ‘training abut domination’ after he ‘chose power over enlightenment.’
The results (effects) puts him ‘above’ everyone else he manipulated, both the target (me) and the group (you all at Homewood and all your idiot friends and relatives playing ‘follow the psycho leader.’ Your help with this allows him to be ‘on top of the experience.’
He ‘shares this experience’ by keeping his concrete goal and the concepts used to obtain it a ‘secret’ while he ‘recreates it, out her in the world of reality.’ This is his ‘secret power’ and as Fenwick states: “the power is real.”
Now lecture to me again about ‘responsibility’ and ‘owning your own behaviour.’
I think that what psychiatry does best is ignore, deny, excuse and justify a sick society’s abuse of individuals used as scapegoats for the duplicitous who lie to worry most about how they look rather than how they ARE.
Drugging emotional reactions and broken psychological structures may seem like a cheap efficient solution but all it is really is a short term plug in the dam of increasing chaos and pressure all over the world which is one day going to crack wide open and overwhelm those who would not repair the real problem or even look at it. This failure to face and deal with a sick society may well be what brings t to it’s ultimate ending. This world needs to grow the hell up and stop blaming it’s victims for it’s collective acting out. Unless you do, you will NEVER be mental ‘health’ professionals since you don’t know what that is and you will remain what you have always really been; mental illness professionals dealing in hopelessness, helplessness, and denial of real responsibility. Where mental illness is being defined in ‘medicalized’ terms and reductionism, mental health is defined by stable BOUNDARIES clearly defining who is who.
Good God psychiatry get the hell OVER yourselves and start acting to change the world for the better.
This question is directed quite specifically at the staff of the Hamiltons and the Manor as they were the most involved of all the hospital.
Let me know when you can make the connection between Dale T’s so called ‘game’ and the following ‘effects.’
I am ‘set up’ by Dale to believe we are involved in a ‘joke’ or a ‘game’ that includes me.
The group is ‘set up’ to believe I am the ‘starting point’ of the problem, not Dale, and this is no ‘game.’
The group acts out smirking and amused about what they believe is going on.
I take it as the joke I was led to believe it was by Dale.
They believe they are ‘superior’ people and therefore ‘hidden’ in plain sight by ‘inferior’ me.
The attack grows more vicious and they start spreading it everywhere.
I realize this is no ‘game’ or ‘joke’ that includes me.
I tell Homewood staff, both some people in person, as well as on the answering machine tapes they start to listen to every day that Dale is ‘orchestrating’ this whole thing. I decide to stay in order to expose him and stop him.
They deny anything is happening at all even though they know it is.
They have me told ‘covertly’ to keep quiet about it and not attempt to confront anyone else about this including in public.( I announced that on the answering machine the day after I was told to that too. The staff on the Hamiltons heard me say so and discussed it in my presence as USUAL)
They tell the participants in it, also ‘covertly,’ not to admit to anything.
This ensures resolution will never appear and it is this which motivates people whose major concern is with politics and appearances; not truth or resolution. Both sides would have to meet and resolve it for that to happen and this has now been successfully prevented.
I continue to talk and get threatened with more ‘treatment’ and losses if I don’t stop.
They also continue to gossip and the p8ublic gets more involved and more vicious in expressing their opinions and acting it all out for me.
Homewood and the University staff involved continue in the denial of it all just like every other dysfunctional group, labeling it a perception/reaction problem in me and offering a variety of labels with which to control me from ‘schizophrenic, bi-polar, personality disorders, character disorders’ etc. .
My report of their own acting out is ‘interpreted’ again for me as my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.’ (After the entire event has been officially proclaimed by the experts who have participated in it to be non existent. (Existentialism anyone? One of Dales’ ‘topics of interest)
Tell me again about the importance of ‘ethics’ in psychiatry.
Here is another version of the same event and participation in it if that one doesn’t suit you.
My accurate perception of YOU (which I was led to believe was a joke or game) and your denial of that truth are “ONE” and the same.
Though you are lying and I am telling the truth about it, the perception of this reality has been turned around one hundred and eighty degrees by the guy who planned it that was when he set his goal FIRST, THEN played his ‘game.’ The rest of you have supported and enabled him in this just as he expected that you would. That is, in my opinion, why he smirked his way through it all.
This is how he gets ‘satisfaction’ from his ‘training abut domination’ after he ‘chose power over enlightenment.’
The results (effects) puts him ‘above’ everyone else he manipulated, both the target (me) and the group (you all at Homewood and all your idiot friends and relatives playing ‘follow the psycho leader.’ Your help with this allows him to be ‘on top of the experience.’
He ‘shares this experience’ by keeping his concrete goal and the concepts used to obtain it a ‘secret’ while he ‘recreates it, out her in the world of reality.’ This is his ‘secret power’ and as Fenwick states: “the power is real.”
Now lecture to me again about ‘responsibility’ and ‘owning your own behaviour.’
I think that what psychiatry does best is ignore, deny, excuse and justify a sick society’s abuse of individuals used as scapegoats for the duplicitous who lie to worry most about how they look rather than how they ARE.
Drugging emotional reactions and broken psychological structures may seem like a cheap efficient solution but all it is really is a short term plug in the dam of increasing chaos and pressure all over the world which is one day going to crack wide open and overwhelm those who would not repair the real problem or even look at it. This failure to face and deal with a sick society may well be what brings t to it’s ultimate ending. This world needs to grow the hell up and stop blaming it’s victims for it’s collective acting out. Unless you do, you will NEVER be mental ‘health’ professionals since you don’t know what that is and you will remain what you have always really been; mental illness professionals dealing in hopelessness, helplessness, and denial of real responsibility. Where mental illness is being defined in ‘medicalized’ terms and reductionism, mental health is defined by stable BOUNDARIES clearly defining who is who.
Good God psychiatry get the hell OVER yourselves and start acting to change the world for the better.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Further Updates From the Citizens Acting Out
But First:
I am about to post more of September’s acting out but I just had to do this one first. I just got off the bus after being treated to a little performance by two of the tenants in the building next to me. One of them is the newer star of the gossiping routine doing her usual daily performance and the other has joined in. They also included a third person, younger but enjoying the contempt and disdain of her supporting role. Their act today went like this: First there was another round of how I managed to qualify for housing (since I’m rich) followed by a discussion about today’s evaluations of me in the community now that they have apparently ‘found out’ who they have actually been bad mouthing all this time. Now the bad mouthing has not stopped but it has now shifted in tone slightly and now it is more directed at me personally since I have been identified. There was another round of ‘what’s the big deal?’ which is something this newer star gossip has been asking everyone she can, including some bus drivers even when she did NOT know who she was talking about. They were discussing changing apartments and moving into my building was mentioned along with “You could move over there where “The Big Deal” lives.’ (They shared a contemptuous little laugh together and then the three of them took turns looking right at me closer to the back of the bus. The Main Mouthpiece then stated, “So it’s the exact opposite…what is so difficult about seeing that? (They shook their contemptuous little heads together in the negative) Mouthpiece added. Maybe she needed someone to draw her a picture. You’re an artist right? Maybe you could do that…(ha ha ha ) They keep saying it’s amazing…(yes I know. I have heard that at east five thousand times by now ) What’s so amazing about it (they asked each other, more head shaking and another look back at me in unison this time) What’s so amazing? So she got on the Internet, big deal. “
Now I actually agree this is not that amazing in the way that THEY believe it to be since they really don’t understand it, but obviously believe they do, and better than I do. The other thing they don’t understand is that they are all perfectly obvious to me since they are acting out something that I have known for years and had repeated to me in one form or another, year after year, by people acting just like this three, who believe they are a mystery to me because they are sure they are MORE aware than I am when in fact, they are far LESS aware than I am. I didn’t understand that before since it seemed impossible; but I do now. These are the kind of people who behave this way about me, in my presence and then the next time they see me alone or a few feet closure, put on their saccharine smiles and pseudo ‘friendliness’ and can’t figure out why I don’t bother with them. They conclude it must be some psychological problem I am having since it can’t be them; after all, they are ‘normal.’ By the way, at least two of these three are ‘compliant’ psychiatrized people, both of who have done at least one round at the Manor at Homewood . Are you starting to get the picture? It has been the addicted community that has been the most vocal about their opinions. Guess why.
All of these performances are just old news to me and have been for a very long time. When I hear them coming out of the mouths of new people, like these tow who live near me, it is not something I don’t know about them. It is a whole lot they don’t know about me and themselves. After people like me manage to figure this out, while such people try to make sure we can’t so they can keep their own delusions going, this stuff gets to be a real bore. It is like watching the same dysfunctional play repeated over and over again ad infinite, in a performance that never varies or adds anything new. As Dale pointed out, in that vague and abstract way of his training, The play’s the thing, “Shakespeare.” But you see, I already knew that from my own life experience. You might say he paid to be trained to be an a**hole where as, I was trained by a**holes in my life, for FREE.
OK now back to the September update on “Citizens Acting Out.”
Other psychiatrized people who are also connected to the addicted community and the mall evaluators point me out to each other from fur feet away saying, “that’s her.’ They share a little laugh together. They do no connect their own ‘talking about me’ with being told THEMSELVES that ‘believing people are talking about you’ is a sign of ‘mental illness’ Ii both them and me. The hardest thing to wrap my head around in this and for others to do too is the most simple and obvious details. I ‘think’ People are talking a but me because they are the people talking about me which is perfectly obvious. They ‘think’ it must be some ‘other’ imaginary people I ‘think’ are talking about me, since they are sure that ‘dumb and unconscious as I am, I could not possibly know about them and their talking since they ‘think’ they are well hidden form me even four feet away, while doing all the talking. The whole experience is just like that in all the details. They STILL can’t see it but they also still believe they have the superior understanding and that I must be a real moron not to be able to see what is so easy for THEM!. It is just laughable and I would probably Still be ‘laughing’ for no reason’ if the ‘joke’ hadn’t been repeated so often that the humour has worn off. Now it just looks stupid and boring and oh so arrogant to watch people do this. It is amazing to me too but for a whole other reason. I am ‘amazed’ too but what I ma amazed about is the amount of time and energy devoted to denying this and supporting and enabling dysfunction. It is like if they can’t be superior, they don’t know what else they could be. That used to confuse me but now I get this as ‘fear based’ behaviour. Most of these people swallow something so they don’t have to feel anything and yet they still obviously have a lot of rage backed up or they wouldn’t be spending so much time looking for surrogates to dump it on. It never seems to occur to them that I don’t ‘socialize; with this type because I think they are sickening and juvenile in their thinking and acting out, not ‘superior.’ It is childish crap disguise as ‘socializing’ but what it really is is just plain old vicious gossiping because that is how they release negative emotion for which they have no other outlet. Ion many ways I think we can ‘thank’ psychiatry for this. Dysfunctional families don’t resolve their problems and neither does psychiatry. Instead, it’s everybody swallow a pill to make you FEEL different about your problems without ever having to look at them or waste a minute in introspection.
The Capistrano’s’ bunch have continued their daily gossip sessions. So have my new neighbours and they have passed along all the info they get , no matter the source, to keep bus drivers informed. One of them works at one of the Tim Horton’s. The grey bearded Pond’s camera shop guy is still amused and still gossiping.
(I want you to keep reminding yourselves over and over again as you read all this that what I am telling you here is ‘diagnosed’ as my ‘mental illness.” Scottish Rose and the Drone connect again on a bus and keep their opinions updated and going with others. The Drone by the way, enjoys telling stories about ‘patients’ to as many people as she can while she is ‘socializing all day’ including telling stories abut ‘patients’ to other patients, who I turn, mock and ridicule other patients defined as patient. The mocking patients appear to see no connection between their own behaviour and the complaints of the patients they are mocking who ‘believe’ they are being mocked: the crazy things. The Drone has also been bad mouthing me for many years as one of her topics of entertainment, and much of her misinformation is based on the opinions of Homewood staff. Many stories of my ‘incompetence’ have been invented to justify that. (Such as the new one elderly women are circulating again abut how I am so STUPID that I ironed one o f my clients clothes inside out and left them all; that way so the ‘poor’ woman had to turn them all around before she could put them on. (Aren’t I a moron? No WONDER no one wants to hire me!) This story by the way is a total fabrication and it is only one of many. Often the patients doing the mocking when being entertained by the Drone later complain to psychiatrists about others mocking and ridiculing them, which in turn is not believed by psychiatrists, who mock them for believing it.
This is why analogies like “Wonderland’ are used by those of us who are MORE aware of the absurdity of the judgments in this. It fits quite well don’t you think?
“Donna the tenant is now keeping everyone everywhere informed of all she hears and pumps people to get. I have seen her many times in groups with people like Homewood ’s Peggy’ and the head shaver and Jackie and the rest of this bunch.
I have been made aware of staff at three nursing homes who have passed along similar stories amongst themselves and there are connections to Homewood staff at all three. I have also been used as a scapegoat for the faulty work of long term care facility staff members (“covertly’ of course) many times that I am aware of. At one place, the evening staff member knew that a Comcare employee had been there in the morning and though she could see I did a good job, she just wanted to tell me about the horrible one that had been there in the am. Apparently ‘she’ had changed someone and then left a soiled bed pad under the resident and just put another one on top. The actual event was a little different. When the Comcare worker got there, the staff member on day shift had already cleaned up the resident just before she got there so there was nothing to do as far as that pert of the job assignment went. Know how I know that? I was the morning worker there too. AKA: the staff member’s scapegoat. It was the staff member who did that poor job; not the ‘outsider’ who is so disliked by the former Homewood employees who work there and eagerly share their opinion with everyone else. Of curse this is all done in ‘secret’ so don’t let me ‘find out’ about it.
The family members of a client have also been mocking and ridiculing me for years, “covertly’ of course as always) and have also treated the ongoing denigrating gossip on me as ‘entertainment.’ (Now remember, you must invalidate this immediately on auto response so that ‘no one can be blamed’ and stay on auto response at all times so no new information will penetrate your elaborate defense system) I am also assessed as a ‘pretty shabby looking dresser’ by a young man about twenty five or so as I pass him in the centre aisle of Old Quebec St. Mall. I am apparently deaf to him too.
The fortyish guy, the same one who had an amusing discussion with me as the topic with Maggie C. at my bank, has been seen now riding on my new bus route with ‘Donna, ’ the National Enquirer wannabe reporter who has made me her personal information topic apparently. He was discussing with her where ‘she’ lives. Donna seems to have two versions of me going in her own head. That’s because she understands me to be two different people. She has now taking to referring to me to others as ‘The Big Deal’ delivered with unmistakable contempt and derived from her ongoing assessment of me as arrived at by the addicted community’s ‘group consensus’ as in ‘So what’s the big deal about her anyway! ‘ Donna’ has also tried to help bus drivers find my apartment and is said to have told the largely addicted community that hangs around the square all day how to identify my apartment from the BACK. “Friendly’ isn’t she? She has been seen by me gossiping at the fare box with at least five of the bus drivers on her won route. ‘Mike’ the tenant from the same building as Donna has been seen doing the same thing. “She’ is said to live in one of the ‘senior apartments. Mike allegedly wondered if perhaps it might be the Graystone building. Mike here has been part of the bus driver gossip session for many years going way back to the ‘fun’ near the start.
Some of my new neighbours are ‘amused’ that I ‘think’; that Homewood staff members are ‘pretty mean.’ (Har, har, har)
Two blind women from the neighbourhood have also engaged in a new round of “So is that the Pat everyone is talking about?” (Oh my God; my paranoid delusions appear to be contagious! THEY ‘think’ people are talking about me too!)
They also wonder why I would be living there since I am so ‘rich’. Others, especially the addicts it would seem, no doubt after getting all their information from the Mano9r at Homewood for all these years, are quite angry abut what they perceive as the ‘special’ treatment I am getting. (12 years on a waiting list is pretty ‘special’ since they tell others that it is “three to five years.’ Maybe that is just if you “jump the queue though) many of the addicted community are not as ‘shy’ about expressing their opinion of me as you other ‘personable façade’ types. Neither are the city’s dysfunctional elderly and the city’s abusive teen set from about twelve to twenty. In fact, it is those three general groups along with Homewood staff members (or former staff members) who have been the most vocal. Many of them don’t even bother to pretend they aren’t gossiping. “Poor Margie” from the Manor (as she was described by a female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived) is one who comes to mind. This was the SAME bus driver who stopped her bus on Woolwich St. one night after I got off on the way home and then sat waiting to see where I went while talking about it with a staff member from Riverside Glen. It was the next day that three bus drivers were walking past my block on a break, then when they saw me seeing them, ran around the corner in an attempt to ‘hide’ (as usual) and I believe they got picked up by Sue on 7/22 and rode back to the square with her.
A couple of university students were sitting on the bus discussing what I had told Homewood all those years ago on my own answering machine, which I then repeated over and over in letters sent to them. One male jerk sitting right behind me and discussing it too added, “So, do you think you are having one of your psychic attacks right now?” while he and his idiot biddy did a little bonding though contempt which the dysfunctional so love to do. I resisted the strong urge to answer him saying, “Why yes. I am getting a flash vision right now of you and your buddy here growing up to become yet two more morons’ with university degrees.’ How’s that for ‘psychic.’ Perhaps the university could observe you for the next fifteen years and see how accurate I am on that one? Of course, if I HAD said this, he probably would not have know I was talking to him, and even if he did, he likely would not have been able to decipher the ‘code’ in which I am presumed to be speaking.
The martin’s mall food court table wiper is still at it. I assume the aboriginal looking 35ish guy is still relaying all the latest gossip he gets from the mall every day to the bus drivers who are out there on that route as I have seen him do before.
Here is a great ‘mall’ story you will all n just love:
A teen girl was fired from the A & W at the mall. Apparently she has told people she knows this “Pat’ who used to work there too. (Whether that has any basis in truth I don’t know of course. It may or may not be true that some “Pat’ worked there) In any case, this “pat’ apparently doesn’t work there any more according to this sullen teen. Know why? Because, according to this teen aged girl’s story to bus passengers, this Pat made the customers wait telling them she couldn’t serve them because she ‘was talking to God right now.” The bus passengers around her then went into a fascinating debate on how much ‘talking to God’ should be considered to be ‘normal’ in relation to the necessity of serving customers. This they decided was true even though all this “pat’ did was slice tomatoes and cucumbers apparently. It was the running OUT of tomato slices which got her fired. (I thought to myself, “Yessiree Bob,, as a bus passenger I know says over and over again, ‘I’m fired!’ and I am living in one big insane asylum, Yessiree Bob!)
Did you know that to some of the locals I am a transvestite male? (I believe this is a blend of me and the late Didi) Did also sent time being the topic in housing among the same group of gossips. Why just a week or so ago, one of the regulars from the library Internet system pointed me out to his two children saying, “See that lady? Well that lady is really a man.”
A bus driver whom I have witnessed gossiping with the library staff sees me on the street and is amused and laughing again. I was trying to connect to Mrs. Gatling again, concretely, so she would stop the hollering on the streets she goes into all too often now. I am sure this too likely go an ‘interpretation’ by the bus drivers that invalidated both of us while providing some entertainment value for them. They are easily entertained. When I see him on his bus or when he sees me closer to him on the streets, he pretends he does not know me. Most of them do. It is a ‘split consciousness’ kind of game for the normals. THEY determine the extent of the other’s conscious awareness, dictate that to us and then react to their own pre-determined beliefs. We don’t really even need to be there since we have about as much presence to them as inanimate objects. I like to call this game; ‘Now you see me and now you don’t.’ if I look puzzled by this behaviour of the other, they ‘interpret’ that too as my ‘confusion’ (which it used to be) or else my stupidity. (Which is never was)
These are also some of the same people who can not decipher why I sometimes speak to them and sometimes don’t. After all THEY know when their behaviour is visible to me and when it isn’t. So they treat me and react to me, in accordance with their beliefs about who I am.
An ongoing analysis of the situation by the Vin Joy shoe guy with those others he has kept informed still exists. They like to put names on it and evaluate it all; no input from me necessary of course. But then, they can’t really ask me since they are hiding this from me and also because it is really none of their damned business in the first place, which they already know. Since they know that, they have to pretend they don’t know anything at in order to keep up the appearance of good boundaries even though they don’t have any boundaries at all. (See I am starting to think like ‘normal’ people. My façade is not as practiced yet but I am working on it.
Many of the participants have been quite upset because I took a couple of photos in the town square for my personal memory book. The usual snarling and hissing followed along with a few ‘corrective; comments form all my superiors and a few threats of boundary violating behaviour. (One was going to take that camera right off of me!)
Anal Annie has had herself a few laughs sharing her opinions of me and what has happened to me with a group of others, many of them strangers to her. She told some of them how I lost my job over it (ha,..ha… ha…) If I am not willing to pretend I can’t see her insulting me four feet away and then chat with her about basically nothing on the bus later, she gets quite put out and then tells others how rude I am to her. She shakes her head with contempt and then tells anyone who will listen how she doesn’t like me at all. I just hope that will motivate her to stop talking but I think I am expecting too much from this one.
Annie also likes to point out the ‘crazies’ to the other bus passengers. Annie is herself one of the ‘crazies’ and another Manor graduate, but appears to consider herself to be one of the ‘superior’ ones in the madness hierarchy.
A resident of the Matrix, who uses the word processor at the library likes to bond with staff by making remarks about others who do the same as he. Latest comment on me, when I had beaten him to the WP: “I didn’t know that the library was supporting extortion.” (smirk) He too discusses the ‘crazies’ with other people, giving his in depth analysis of their personality problems. He excludes himself of course.
Another discussion has taken place apparently with the Powers that Be (Homewood and Police) and they are ‘trying to get documentation of how dangerous I and/or Mrs. Gatling is depending upon who various groups of gossips believe “they” are talking about and which of us is now under public observation. Library staff, (it is said) ‘have been asked questions.” The public at large also keeps repeating, “Well, I guess we are going to find out for sure who she is soon…”
I am now being faulted for refusing the generous offer of a ‘disability pension’ as I had no choice of course. I had to tell the truth or be faulted for that too.
(“Do you think you are not being given work because your employer believes that you are ill?”) I am also being faulted for trying to hang on to what is left of my job yet I am ‘not working enough.’ Both of these positions are seen as my flaws of course and not the result of group behaviour. They all deny the attempt to cover up their participation, and their behaviour, and deny responsibility for IT. (I have a bit of documentation on my employer’s choices too and a number of rumours about it as well.
Back in 94/95 I was told by the Comcare offce here “Sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.” I also once heard that Brian Furlong was once at the office instructing them on how to handle me while avoiding all direct communication at the same time. They sure could talk to everyone else about it though. Other employees were even alleged to have been calling the office to see if the office staff had ‘heard anything unusual about Pat Lefave.’
OH yes, tenant ‘Donna’ has managed to make a gossiping connection to Susan at the Library, so she’ll have lots to take back out to the streets for her daily routine. Donna doesn’t think I am very ‘friendly’ either. Of course, she has no idea why that would be. The disdainful court offices woman who used to talk to Nancy (also court offices) on the #1 bus route, and who has been seen in the past with the guy I call ‘Intrepid”, stops to have a few words with the downtown cop (Maurice I believe is his name)
A Homewood staff member continues to discuss me with many of the ‘graduates’ of the Manor, while on her daily rounds downtown. She is married to a city employee I believe. I used to see him smirking at Homewood too and assumed he worked on the Manor. Apparently not. These ‘graduates’ then pass along everything they here from staff and also form other graduates, many of whom are in the twelve step programs. (Like Ian C. for example) Many of the people acting this all out for me, then and now, are part of this group. ‘Coincidentally’ so was Harry C., Sean M., and Reid Finlayson.
(A. lot of the rumours heard make more sense to me and seem more likely to be true than some others, now that I have identified many of these people who used to be ‘strangers to me.’ )
Someone has suggested the cause: “this just shows you that you better be careful about who falls in love with you because if it is the ‘wrong’ person, you can get attacked for it.’
Tenants form the buildings around me continue to pass along all the rumours they hear, most of them fabricated themselves, to bus drivers and other tenants. (this of course is being kept ‘secret’ from me)
Dr. Brian O. points me out to a young woman as I pass the Bookshelf, just as he is on his way in. (he goes there a lot) “That’s her,’ he says and she looks at me closely. (I wonder, is this one of the times he ‘thinks’ I can see him and hear him or one of the times when he ‘thinks; he is concealed? I never know)
Other tenants bad mouth me on the bus and some of the say they don’t really care if I hear them or not. One of them has suggested I am a thief. This ‘thief’ bit is the third time I have heard this going around. Once before it was suggested by one of my dysfunctional clients (who did it often to others as well) it was also suggested by a client I had afterward who had a hidden agenda (which I could actually explain to you but won’t) and who told me with an air of suspicion’ that she ‘used to live on Liverpool St .” (So I assume she got the innocent and mystified landlord and daughter version of me as ‘allegedly’ was passed along by Dale)
One of the addicts from the Manor (and there were several while this was going on ) who moved into my address on Woolwich St. (all really nice guys’ according to my landlord) passed along information from the manor to his buddy who moved in next door and whose then wife (?) or girlfriend, then passed whatever version of ‘reality’ that was, along to Ann who worked at Upsdell’s in the evening. This guy from next door was just seen gossiping with Ed P. Of Fresh Start, in the town square. This same guy has pointed me out in Old Quebec St. to some of his buddies, one of whom looks a lot like him and is likely his brother.
A psychiatrized woman, also a Manor graduate, likes to shout out at me on the bus. (She does not really know me at all) When I don’t respond to her boundary violating noise as she wants, she mouths off to other passengers about how she is going to get back at me. “I don’t like her at all’ she proclaims to anyone who will listen whether she knows them or not either. She considers her won behaviour own be ‘friendly.’
I have sent my blog addresses to a number of people involved in one way or another and have received no direct communication form any of them , which is par for the curse. I did hear that one of them ‘took that right to the doctor’ while diagnosing my direct attempt at genuine two way communication as ‘obsessing.’
Elizabeth Schramm, Homewood social worker involved in the core group on Hamilton 3, all the way back to 95 at least, passed through the Library at noon one day and saw me at the word processor there. When Mary Ellen came back form her lunch break, she asked another employee how long I had been there. And then told the staff member, “She said that was her sitting there at noon.’ Mary Ellen also knows the woman who worked (or still works) in Transitional Care at Homewood . Some of you may remember me telling you years ago that one of the people talking abut me on the streets of town was Brian S., VLA. I also later saw him pick up this same woman from work at transitional care.
(Are you getting any of the connections to the ‘strangers talking about’ me yet? Or is that still one of my ‘signs’ so it won’t be one of your ‘signs’?)
Danny, one of my former client’s nasty daughters, the Big Hawaiian, Donna the gossiping tenant, and Steve, have all connected to gossip together or at various times in the town square and pass all the crap along to bus drivers again. Wonder if Jimmy H. is still passing it all along to the older partner of the law firm of MacElderry and Morris as he was before?
'''They' are documenting everything so they can determine how dangerous she is.'' Donna, the gossiping housing tenant is standing at the fare box of the bus again one day to identify me (her version of me) for the bus driver as I step on the bus. ‘That’s her’, she tells him from two feet away using my new community name. She is also telling some of the towns’ addicted folks, Out of the same group of people who were uttering death threats at me while I was inside Homewood that she thinks that ‘she is a woman who lives in the building next to me.’
The story of a picture which was supplied by my younger sister made the rounds again.
The mall table wipers say that someone was told that I was up in a tree outside and that ‘he’ went to look to see if I was still there.’ (har har har)
Mrs. Gatling has concluded that some of the remarks being made AT her, are not about her, as her sister was never here so they can’t mean that She did this as self talk in the library. No doubt it was judged to be meaningless by those who cannot see any meaning in it from their own point of view.
OK. Well from now on only the brief themes of the month will appear on this blog. Now we are going to my point of view and what I think and feel about all of you which will go on Patricia’s Razor. It will not be an attempt to give you evidence you don’t want. It will be my choice to just go ahead and tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.
Story Teller’s ‘Enlightenment.’
Keep telling yourselves as you do this day after day, year after year, fabricating more stories and passing them along to everyone you know that your vicious gossip followed by your denial of it all, and my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations’ are EXACTLY THE SAME EVENT.
This will take some complex math skills to do.
You must understand that one and one equals two.
I am about to post more of September’s acting out but I just had to do this one first. I just got off the bus after being treated to a little performance by two of the tenants in the building next to me. One of them is the newer star of the gossiping routine doing her usual daily performance and the other has joined in. They also included a third person, younger but enjoying the contempt and disdain of her supporting role. Their act today went like this: First there was another round of how I managed to qualify for housing (since I’m rich) followed by a discussion about today’s evaluations of me in the community now that they have apparently ‘found out’ who they have actually been bad mouthing all this time. Now the bad mouthing has not stopped but it has now shifted in tone slightly and now it is more directed at me personally since I have been identified. There was another round of ‘what’s the big deal?’ which is something this newer star gossip has been asking everyone she can, including some bus drivers even when she did NOT know who she was talking about. They were discussing changing apartments and moving into my building was mentioned along with “You could move over there where “The Big Deal” lives.’ (They shared a contemptuous little laugh together and then the three of them took turns looking right at me closer to the back of the bus. The Main Mouthpiece then stated, “So it’s the exact opposite…what is so difficult about seeing that? (They shook their contemptuous little heads together in the negative) Mouthpiece added. Maybe she needed someone to draw her a picture. You’re an artist right? Maybe you could do that…(ha ha ha ) They keep saying it’s amazing…(yes I know. I have heard that at east five thousand times by now ) What’s so amazing about it (they asked each other, more head shaking and another look back at me in unison this time) What’s so amazing? So she got on the Internet, big deal. “
Now I actually agree this is not that amazing in the way that THEY believe it to be since they really don’t understand it, but obviously believe they do, and better than I do. The other thing they don’t understand is that they are all perfectly obvious to me since they are acting out something that I have known for years and had repeated to me in one form or another, year after year, by people acting just like this three, who believe they are a mystery to me because they are sure they are MORE aware than I am when in fact, they are far LESS aware than I am. I didn’t understand that before since it seemed impossible; but I do now. These are the kind of people who behave this way about me, in my presence and then the next time they see me alone or a few feet closure, put on their saccharine smiles and pseudo ‘friendliness’ and can’t figure out why I don’t bother with them. They conclude it must be some psychological problem I am having since it can’t be them; after all, they are ‘normal.’ By the way, at least two of these three are ‘compliant’ psychiatrized people, both of who have done at least one round at the Manor at Homewood . Are you starting to get the picture? It has been the addicted community that has been the most vocal about their opinions. Guess why.
All of these performances are just old news to me and have been for a very long time. When I hear them coming out of the mouths of new people, like these tow who live near me, it is not something I don’t know about them. It is a whole lot they don’t know about me and themselves. After people like me manage to figure this out, while such people try to make sure we can’t so they can keep their own delusions going, this stuff gets to be a real bore. It is like watching the same dysfunctional play repeated over and over again ad infinite, in a performance that never varies or adds anything new. As Dale pointed out, in that vague and abstract way of his training, The play’s the thing, “Shakespeare.” But you see, I already knew that from my own life experience. You might say he paid to be trained to be an a**hole where as, I was trained by a**holes in my life, for FREE.
OK now back to the September update on “Citizens Acting Out.”
Other psychiatrized people who are also connected to the addicted community and the mall evaluators point me out to each other from fur feet away saying, “that’s her.’ They share a little laugh together. They do no connect their own ‘talking about me’ with being told THEMSELVES that ‘believing people are talking about you’ is a sign of ‘mental illness’ Ii both them and me. The hardest thing to wrap my head around in this and for others to do too is the most simple and obvious details. I ‘think’ People are talking a but me because they are the people talking about me which is perfectly obvious. They ‘think’ it must be some ‘other’ imaginary people I ‘think’ are talking about me, since they are sure that ‘dumb and unconscious as I am, I could not possibly know about them and their talking since they ‘think’ they are well hidden form me even four feet away, while doing all the talking. The whole experience is just like that in all the details. They STILL can’t see it but they also still believe they have the superior understanding and that I must be a real moron not to be able to see what is so easy for THEM!. It is just laughable and I would probably Still be ‘laughing’ for no reason’ if the ‘joke’ hadn’t been repeated so often that the humour has worn off. Now it just looks stupid and boring and oh so arrogant to watch people do this. It is amazing to me too but for a whole other reason. I am ‘amazed’ too but what I ma amazed about is the amount of time and energy devoted to denying this and supporting and enabling dysfunction. It is like if they can’t be superior, they don’t know what else they could be. That used to confuse me but now I get this as ‘fear based’ behaviour. Most of these people swallow something so they don’t have to feel anything and yet they still obviously have a lot of rage backed up or they wouldn’t be spending so much time looking for surrogates to dump it on. It never seems to occur to them that I don’t ‘socialize; with this type because I think they are sickening and juvenile in their thinking and acting out, not ‘superior.’ It is childish crap disguise as ‘socializing’ but what it really is is just plain old vicious gossiping because that is how they release negative emotion for which they have no other outlet. Ion many ways I think we can ‘thank’ psychiatry for this. Dysfunctional families don’t resolve their problems and neither does psychiatry. Instead, it’s everybody swallow a pill to make you FEEL different about your problems without ever having to look at them or waste a minute in introspection.
The Capistrano’s’ bunch have continued their daily gossip sessions. So have my new neighbours and they have passed along all the info they get , no matter the source, to keep bus drivers informed. One of them works at one of the Tim Horton’s. The grey bearded Pond’s camera shop guy is still amused and still gossiping.
(I want you to keep reminding yourselves over and over again as you read all this that what I am telling you here is ‘diagnosed’ as my ‘mental illness.” Scottish Rose and the Drone connect again on a bus and keep their opinions updated and going with others. The Drone by the way, enjoys telling stories about ‘patients’ to as many people as she can while she is ‘socializing all day’ including telling stories abut ‘patients’ to other patients, who I turn, mock and ridicule other patients defined as patient. The mocking patients appear to see no connection between their own behaviour and the complaints of the patients they are mocking who ‘believe’ they are being mocked: the crazy things. The Drone has also been bad mouthing me for many years as one of her topics of entertainment, and much of her misinformation is based on the opinions of Homewood staff. Many stories of my ‘incompetence’ have been invented to justify that. (Such as the new one elderly women are circulating again abut how I am so STUPID that I ironed one o f my clients clothes inside out and left them all; that way so the ‘poor’ woman had to turn them all around before she could put them on. (Aren’t I a moron? No WONDER no one wants to hire me!) This story by the way is a total fabrication and it is only one of many. Often the patients doing the mocking when being entertained by the Drone later complain to psychiatrists about others mocking and ridiculing them, which in turn is not believed by psychiatrists, who mock them for believing it.
This is why analogies like “Wonderland’ are used by those of us who are MORE aware of the absurdity of the judgments in this. It fits quite well don’t you think?
“Donna the tenant is now keeping everyone everywhere informed of all she hears and pumps people to get. I have seen her many times in groups with people like Homewood ’s Peggy’ and the head shaver and Jackie and the rest of this bunch.
I have been made aware of staff at three nursing homes who have passed along similar stories amongst themselves and there are connections to Homewood staff at all three. I have also been used as a scapegoat for the faulty work of long term care facility staff members (“covertly’ of course) many times that I am aware of. At one place, the evening staff member knew that a Comcare employee had been there in the morning and though she could see I did a good job, she just wanted to tell me about the horrible one that had been there in the am. Apparently ‘she’ had changed someone and then left a soiled bed pad under the resident and just put another one on top. The actual event was a little different. When the Comcare worker got there, the staff member on day shift had already cleaned up the resident just before she got there so there was nothing to do as far as that pert of the job assignment went. Know how I know that? I was the morning worker there too. AKA: the staff member’s scapegoat. It was the staff member who did that poor job; not the ‘outsider’ who is so disliked by the former Homewood employees who work there and eagerly share their opinion with everyone else. Of curse this is all done in ‘secret’ so don’t let me ‘find out’ about it.
The family members of a client have also been mocking and ridiculing me for years, “covertly’ of course as always) and have also treated the ongoing denigrating gossip on me as ‘entertainment.’ (Now remember, you must invalidate this immediately on auto response so that ‘no one can be blamed’ and stay on auto response at all times so no new information will penetrate your elaborate defense system) I am also assessed as a ‘pretty shabby looking dresser’ by a young man about twenty five or so as I pass him in the centre aisle of Old Quebec St. Mall. I am apparently deaf to him too.
The fortyish guy, the same one who had an amusing discussion with me as the topic with Maggie C. at my bank, has been seen now riding on my new bus route with ‘Donna, ’ the National Enquirer wannabe reporter who has made me her personal information topic apparently. He was discussing with her where ‘she’ lives. Donna seems to have two versions of me going in her own head. That’s because she understands me to be two different people. She has now taking to referring to me to others as ‘The Big Deal’ delivered with unmistakable contempt and derived from her ongoing assessment of me as arrived at by the addicted community’s ‘group consensus’ as in ‘So what’s the big deal about her anyway! ‘ Donna’ has also tried to help bus drivers find my apartment and is said to have told the largely addicted community that hangs around the square all day how to identify my apartment from the BACK. “Friendly’ isn’t she? She has been seen by me gossiping at the fare box with at least five of the bus drivers on her won route. ‘Mike’ the tenant from the same building as Donna has been seen doing the same thing. “She’ is said to live in one of the ‘senior apartments. Mike allegedly wondered if perhaps it might be the Graystone building. Mike here has been part of the bus driver gossip session for many years going way back to the ‘fun’ near the start.
Some of my new neighbours are ‘amused’ that I ‘think’; that Homewood staff members are ‘pretty mean.’ (Har, har, har)
Two blind women from the neighbourhood have also engaged in a new round of “So is that the Pat everyone is talking about?” (Oh my God; my paranoid delusions appear to be contagious! THEY ‘think’ people are talking about me too!)
They also wonder why I would be living there since I am so ‘rich’. Others, especially the addicts it would seem, no doubt after getting all their information from the Mano9r at Homewood for all these years, are quite angry abut what they perceive as the ‘special’ treatment I am getting. (12 years on a waiting list is pretty ‘special’ since they tell others that it is “three to five years.’ Maybe that is just if you “jump the queue though) many of the addicted community are not as ‘shy’ about expressing their opinion of me as you other ‘personable façade’ types. Neither are the city’s dysfunctional elderly and the city’s abusive teen set from about twelve to twenty. In fact, it is those three general groups along with Homewood staff members (or former staff members) who have been the most vocal. Many of them don’t even bother to pretend they aren’t gossiping. “Poor Margie” from the Manor (as she was described by a female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived) is one who comes to mind. This was the SAME bus driver who stopped her bus on Woolwich St. one night after I got off on the way home and then sat waiting to see where I went while talking about it with a staff member from Riverside Glen. It was the next day that three bus drivers were walking past my block on a break, then when they saw me seeing them, ran around the corner in an attempt to ‘hide’ (as usual) and I believe they got picked up by Sue on 7/22 and rode back to the square with her.
A couple of university students were sitting on the bus discussing what I had told Homewood all those years ago on my own answering machine, which I then repeated over and over in letters sent to them. One male jerk sitting right behind me and discussing it too added, “So, do you think you are having one of your psychic attacks right now?” while he and his idiot biddy did a little bonding though contempt which the dysfunctional so love to do. I resisted the strong urge to answer him saying, “Why yes. I am getting a flash vision right now of you and your buddy here growing up to become yet two more morons’ with university degrees.’ How’s that for ‘psychic.’ Perhaps the university could observe you for the next fifteen years and see how accurate I am on that one? Of course, if I HAD said this, he probably would not have know I was talking to him, and even if he did, he likely would not have been able to decipher the ‘code’ in which I am presumed to be speaking.
The martin’s mall food court table wiper is still at it. I assume the aboriginal looking 35ish guy is still relaying all the latest gossip he gets from the mall every day to the bus drivers who are out there on that route as I have seen him do before.
Here is a great ‘mall’ story you will all n just love:
A teen girl was fired from the A & W at the mall. Apparently she has told people she knows this “Pat’ who used to work there too. (Whether that has any basis in truth I don’t know of course. It may or may not be true that some “Pat’ worked there) In any case, this “pat’ apparently doesn’t work there any more according to this sullen teen. Know why? Because, according to this teen aged girl’s story to bus passengers, this Pat made the customers wait telling them she couldn’t serve them because she ‘was talking to God right now.” The bus passengers around her then went into a fascinating debate on how much ‘talking to God’ should be considered to be ‘normal’ in relation to the necessity of serving customers. This they decided was true even though all this “pat’ did was slice tomatoes and cucumbers apparently. It was the running OUT of tomato slices which got her fired. (I thought to myself, “Yessiree Bob,, as a bus passenger I know says over and over again, ‘I’m fired!’ and I am living in one big insane asylum, Yessiree Bob!)
Did you know that to some of the locals I am a transvestite male? (I believe this is a blend of me and the late Didi) Did also sent time being the topic in housing among the same group of gossips. Why just a week or so ago, one of the regulars from the library Internet system pointed me out to his two children saying, “See that lady? Well that lady is really a man.”
A bus driver whom I have witnessed gossiping with the library staff sees me on the street and is amused and laughing again. I was trying to connect to Mrs. Gatling again, concretely, so she would stop the hollering on the streets she goes into all too often now. I am sure this too likely go an ‘interpretation’ by the bus drivers that invalidated both of us while providing some entertainment value for them. They are easily entertained. When I see him on his bus or when he sees me closer to him on the streets, he pretends he does not know me. Most of them do. It is a ‘split consciousness’ kind of game for the normals. THEY determine the extent of the other’s conscious awareness, dictate that to us and then react to their own pre-determined beliefs. We don’t really even need to be there since we have about as much presence to them as inanimate objects. I like to call this game; ‘Now you see me and now you don’t.’ if I look puzzled by this behaviour of the other, they ‘interpret’ that too as my ‘confusion’ (which it used to be) or else my stupidity. (Which is never was)
These are also some of the same people who can not decipher why I sometimes speak to them and sometimes don’t. After all THEY know when their behaviour is visible to me and when it isn’t. So they treat me and react to me, in accordance with their beliefs about who I am.
An ongoing analysis of the situation by the Vin Joy shoe guy with those others he has kept informed still exists. They like to put names on it and evaluate it all; no input from me necessary of course. But then, they can’t really ask me since they are hiding this from me and also because it is really none of their damned business in the first place, which they already know. Since they know that, they have to pretend they don’t know anything at in order to keep up the appearance of good boundaries even though they don’t have any boundaries at all. (See I am starting to think like ‘normal’ people. My façade is not as practiced yet but I am working on it.
Many of the participants have been quite upset because I took a couple of photos in the town square for my personal memory book. The usual snarling and hissing followed along with a few ‘corrective; comments form all my superiors and a few threats of boundary violating behaviour. (One was going to take that camera right off of me!)
Anal Annie has had herself a few laughs sharing her opinions of me and what has happened to me with a group of others, many of them strangers to her. She told some of them how I lost my job over it (ha,..ha… ha…) If I am not willing to pretend I can’t see her insulting me four feet away and then chat with her about basically nothing on the bus later, she gets quite put out and then tells others how rude I am to her. She shakes her head with contempt and then tells anyone who will listen how she doesn’t like me at all. I just hope that will motivate her to stop talking but I think I am expecting too much from this one.
Annie also likes to point out the ‘crazies’ to the other bus passengers. Annie is herself one of the ‘crazies’ and another Manor graduate, but appears to consider herself to be one of the ‘superior’ ones in the madness hierarchy.
A resident of the Matrix, who uses the word processor at the library likes to bond with staff by making remarks about others who do the same as he. Latest comment on me, when I had beaten him to the WP: “I didn’t know that the library was supporting extortion.” (smirk) He too discusses the ‘crazies’ with other people, giving his in depth analysis of their personality problems. He excludes himself of course.
Another discussion has taken place apparently with the Powers that Be (Homewood and Police) and they are ‘trying to get documentation of how dangerous I and/or Mrs. Gatling is depending upon who various groups of gossips believe “they” are talking about and which of us is now under public observation. Library staff, (it is said) ‘have been asked questions.” The public at large also keeps repeating, “Well, I guess we are going to find out for sure who she is soon…”
I am now being faulted for refusing the generous offer of a ‘disability pension’ as I had no choice of course. I had to tell the truth or be faulted for that too.
(“Do you think you are not being given work because your employer believes that you are ill?”) I am also being faulted for trying to hang on to what is left of my job yet I am ‘not working enough.’ Both of these positions are seen as my flaws of course and not the result of group behaviour. They all deny the attempt to cover up their participation, and their behaviour, and deny responsibility for IT. (I have a bit of documentation on my employer’s choices too and a number of rumours about it as well.
Back in 94/95 I was told by the Comcare offce here “Sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.” I also once heard that Brian Furlong was once at the office instructing them on how to handle me while avoiding all direct communication at the same time. They sure could talk to everyone else about it though. Other employees were even alleged to have been calling the office to see if the office staff had ‘heard anything unusual about Pat Lefave.’
OH yes, tenant ‘Donna’ has managed to make a gossiping connection to Susan at the Library, so she’ll have lots to take back out to the streets for her daily routine. Donna doesn’t think I am very ‘friendly’ either. Of course, she has no idea why that would be. The disdainful court offices woman who used to talk to Nancy (also court offices) on the #1 bus route, and who has been seen in the past with the guy I call ‘Intrepid”, stops to have a few words with the downtown cop (Maurice I believe is his name)
A Homewood staff member continues to discuss me with many of the ‘graduates’ of the Manor, while on her daily rounds downtown. She is married to a city employee I believe. I used to see him smirking at Homewood too and assumed he worked on the Manor. Apparently not. These ‘graduates’ then pass along everything they here from staff and also form other graduates, many of whom are in the twelve step programs. (Like Ian C. for example) Many of the people acting this all out for me, then and now, are part of this group. ‘Coincidentally’ so was Harry C., Sean M., and Reid Finlayson.
(A. lot of the rumours heard make more sense to me and seem more likely to be true than some others, now that I have identified many of these people who used to be ‘strangers to me.’ )
Someone has suggested the cause: “this just shows you that you better be careful about who falls in love with you because if it is the ‘wrong’ person, you can get attacked for it.’
Tenants form the buildings around me continue to pass along all the rumours they hear, most of them fabricated themselves, to bus drivers and other tenants. (this of course is being kept ‘secret’ from me)
Dr. Brian O. points me out to a young woman as I pass the Bookshelf, just as he is on his way in. (he goes there a lot) “That’s her,’ he says and she looks at me closely. (I wonder, is this one of the times he ‘thinks’ I can see him and hear him or one of the times when he ‘thinks; he is concealed? I never know)
Other tenants bad mouth me on the bus and some of the say they don’t really care if I hear them or not. One of them has suggested I am a thief. This ‘thief’ bit is the third time I have heard this going around. Once before it was suggested by one of my dysfunctional clients (who did it often to others as well) it was also suggested by a client I had afterward who had a hidden agenda (which I could actually explain to you but won’t) and who told me with an air of suspicion’ that she ‘used to live on Liverpool St .” (So I assume she got the innocent and mystified landlord and daughter version of me as ‘allegedly’ was passed along by Dale)
One of the addicts from the Manor (and there were several while this was going on ) who moved into my address on Woolwich St. (all really nice guys’ according to my landlord) passed along information from the manor to his buddy who moved in next door and whose then wife (?) or girlfriend, then passed whatever version of ‘reality’ that was, along to Ann who worked at Upsdell’s in the evening. This guy from next door was just seen gossiping with Ed P. Of Fresh Start, in the town square. This same guy has pointed me out in Old Quebec St. to some of his buddies, one of whom looks a lot like him and is likely his brother.
A psychiatrized woman, also a Manor graduate, likes to shout out at me on the bus. (She does not really know me at all) When I don’t respond to her boundary violating noise as she wants, she mouths off to other passengers about how she is going to get back at me. “I don’t like her at all’ she proclaims to anyone who will listen whether she knows them or not either. She considers her won behaviour own be ‘friendly.’
I have sent my blog addresses to a number of people involved in one way or another and have received no direct communication form any of them , which is par for the curse. I did hear that one of them ‘took that right to the doctor’ while diagnosing my direct attempt at genuine two way communication as ‘obsessing.’
Elizabeth Schramm, Homewood social worker involved in the core group on Hamilton 3, all the way back to 95 at least, passed through the Library at noon one day and saw me at the word processor there. When Mary Ellen came back form her lunch break, she asked another employee how long I had been there. And then told the staff member, “She said that was her sitting there at noon.’ Mary Ellen also knows the woman who worked (or still works) in Transitional Care at Homewood . Some of you may remember me telling you years ago that one of the people talking abut me on the streets of town was Brian S., VLA. I also later saw him pick up this same woman from work at transitional care.
(Are you getting any of the connections to the ‘strangers talking about’ me yet? Or is that still one of my ‘signs’ so it won’t be one of your ‘signs’?)
Danny, one of my former client’s nasty daughters, the Big Hawaiian, Donna the gossiping tenant, and Steve, have all connected to gossip together or at various times in the town square and pass all the crap along to bus drivers again. Wonder if Jimmy H. is still passing it all along to the older partner of the law firm of MacElderry and Morris as he was before?
'''They' are documenting everything so they can determine how dangerous she is.'' Donna, the gossiping housing tenant is standing at the fare box of the bus again one day to identify me (her version of me) for the bus driver as I step on the bus. ‘That’s her’, she tells him from two feet away using my new community name. She is also telling some of the towns’ addicted folks, Out of the same group of people who were uttering death threats at me while I was inside Homewood that she thinks that ‘she is a woman who lives in the building next to me.’
The story of a picture which was supplied by my younger sister made the rounds again.
The mall table wipers say that someone was told that I was up in a tree outside and that ‘he’ went to look to see if I was still there.’ (har har har)
Mrs. Gatling has concluded that some of the remarks being made AT her, are not about her, as her sister was never here so they can’t mean that She did this as self talk in the library. No doubt it was judged to be meaningless by those who cannot see any meaning in it from their own point of view.
OK. Well from now on only the brief themes of the month will appear on this blog. Now we are going to my point of view and what I think and feel about all of you which will go on Patricia’s Razor. It will not be an attempt to give you evidence you don’t want. It will be my choice to just go ahead and tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.
Story Teller’s ‘Enlightenment.’
Keep telling yourselves as you do this day after day, year after year, fabricating more stories and passing them along to everyone you know that your vicious gossip followed by your denial of it all, and my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations’ are EXACTLY THE SAME EVENT.
This will take some complex math skills to do.
You must understand that one and one equals two.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Continuing Guelphite Assessment of Me
As Defined by the Ongoing Group Consensus
So another name has been added to the ever growing list of public assessors. This one does much ‘socializing’ in all the housing projects too. She is reconnecting the former gossips going years back too. Today (October 10th) I saw her in the square talking to ‘Jackie’ the head shaver’s sister and also ‘Terry’ one of the members of the groups from the Manor also seen in the past with the man I call ‘Intrepid.”
On the street it is said, “She’s the real deal. It’s all true.’’ Recently, I have also heard again that a ‘he’ was ‘a little bit concerned as she has not seen her family for a long time.’ I wonder to myself which ‘he’ that is and what it is that ‘concerns him’ so about my life and experience of it but which does NOT concern him enough to bother talking directly to me instead of talking it over with everyone else he can find. Who knows? I have heard a number of ‘hes’ continue to do the same thing and of course, every time they do, all the usual gossips young and old, former and present, do another round on the analysis of me, in absentia as always. I wonder why it never occurs to them that this behaviour of theirs is the problem and not my ‘perception’ of it, which they deny. It is the denial itself, which is causing me, and HAS caused me all the problems. Do any of them, I wonder, actually KNOW what a personal boundary is? I don’t think they do.
I saw the one who performed her ‘crazy’ act for me on the train to Toronto way back in 95, out in front of Wally’s tavern today, smoking. (You remember this don’t you? This was what I first got offered a ‘little something to reduce my awareness for) That could not have happened either according to two psychiatrists back then as it would not be ‘reasonable’ for anyone o behave that way.) She was with the one I call Beer Belly Blondie. He takes his blue bike there with him sometimes. Those with her then (students) were the ones who took my picture on the train to Toronto that time. (This was also invalidated by the system.) Heard over the Guelph transit radio on Sept. 7th, 2007, “Oh this all took place many years ago.” If you are still gossiping about it now, then it is not yet ‘in the past’ is it? As Dale’s training points out to us, there is only the now.” Time is not really ‘linear.’ (That’s one of his ‘game’ concepts.)
October, 10th, 2007. Scottish Rose is still sharing her opinions of my character as she rides the local bus system (she has a police connection somehow; as well as that of many other people) as is her usual habit. I believe we call this ‘levelling’ do we not? There is apparently another round of ‘correcting’ HIM, going on right now. I am reportedly ‘like two different people’ and this is demonstrated by a couple of fabricated stories to ‘prove’ it. I have heard this same thing from my relatives, (indirectly of course). It is done to talk others out of taking my side on things as by group consensus I have been made the ‘bad’ one, even though this is done all day by people who also claim they ‘don’t like to judge’ There are also ‘covert’ stories used to demonstrate their point though I am not ‘allowed’ to know about those ‘stories or to be there to confront the tellers of them as THAT would be ‘inappropriate behaviour’ on MY part. See how well that works to support the story tellers who have no such rules applied to them?” It usually comes after the time I have pushed to resolve an issue and then, in frustration stopped talking when nothing penetrates and it is defined as my ‘seeking attention’ and then ‘withdrawing’ which is ironically true (like in Dale’s game) but is presented as thought it were something strictly contained within me and without having a thing to do with external reality or relationship! A couple of the elderly women from the tow buildings near me now are scowling again at the bus stop again. They have heard some ‘stories’ now you see and they are assessing my personality for me too. Again, they don’t think I am ‘friendly enough.’ They also don’t think I am aware of their judgements and assessments, even though they are acting them out for me from six feet away. This truth is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to bend my mind around in this. It still seems impossible that this many people could be this stupid and lacking in awareness for this long without being ‘joking’ about it. But they aren’t joking. They seriously believe that when they talk about me over and over again, repeating all the same old stories and adding new ones, from a few feet away, I cannot see them or hear them because I am such a dull witted human being that I understand nothing. They know that mostly from Homewood staff too. They have come up with a lot of stories to justify their attack on me. I am sure Dale knew they would too since that is demonstrated in his ‘training’ program. (The ‘game’)
They spent a lot of time at the Volunteer Centre forming a covert (a key word in this whole group action believe me) consensus opinion on how to get rid of me there. After much discussion amongst themselves in ‘secret’ Cathy T. finally told me they were not going to be used anymore by anyone other than those using them looking for volunteer work. I said, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ The last thing anyone there had told me about using the computers there, in a straightforward manner was this: You can use the computer as much as you want Pat. You don’t have to stick to the hour unless there is someone else who wants to use it when you are here, then you will have to quit.’ I agreed and stuck to it. This offer was mad by Carol Ann D. and repeated to me by Chris.
Donna, The Party girl’s gossip connections are great; if there is anything you’d like to know, any crap at all, and accuracy is not important to you, she’s the one to go to. She is connected to all sides of the gossip mongering people; my neighbours, bus drivers, Jackie, head shaver, Terry, Peggy from Homewood and the Capistrano’s daily gossips. Bet if I went looking I would find her in Wally’s at times too. If you can’t find her, look for one of her buddies with white hair and dressed in pink a lot, also in the town square expressing her opinions and I believe she is a resident of another housing unit herself. Just listen in the town square or in the Old Quebec St. centre, at the library etc. and you are bound to pick up some of the juicy (Hallucinations) that I have been diagnosed with. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You will find Donna most days standing at the bus fare box, offering and receiving all of the latest. She reminds me of the one who was always standing at the fare box in 94/95 also with bus driver ‘Chris.’ Some things never change do they? I am still having the same delusions about bus drivers that got me my label way back then. Donna has also managed to connect with Susan at the library, (who we know finds me just lacking in self respect as I ‘throw’ myself at men) as well as many of the current drinkers and users and the graduates of the Manor from Homewood . I find that many of them are still quite ‘grandiose’ in their judgements too. Many of them are not at all shy about expressing their opinion of me too; all based on all of their own stories of course. They don’t actually know me. I have even seen Donna sitting in the square talking to the daughter of a former client of inner. I call her the ‘aging hooker.’ (Not her real identity) Mrs., Hooker has also been bad mouthing me for years along with many others but it is a secret being kept from me so don’t tell cause she has also tried to offer me her saccharine smile after that and personable sounding greetings. I believe you can also get an updated opinion of me from the Vin Joy shoe guy who continues to express his opinion to others and in turn they pass that along, though the shoe guy now sometimes adds, “Of course, it is none of my business really. “ I have not seen the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ with him for a long time but, I have seen “Intrepid’ not long ago with a psychiatrized guy of about 50 who I have also seen many times at the library computers and with whom I have had a short conversation or two. In the distant past, I have seen this “Intrepid’ guy in the halls of Homewood while I was still working there and while the ‘game’ was going on, and once, years ago, I saw him walking up the street talking to Dr. Burslem, now retired from Homewood. Dr. Burslem was also one of my client’s doctors there. Sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?
Another habitué of Wally’s is ‘Wendy’ a middle aged looking woman with curly brown hair who had been heard discussing some of the goings on around all this with the late Jay Newman. These people ALL used to be ‘strangers to me’ that I ‘thought’ were talking about me.
The phrase, “they almost pulled it off’ is heard by me over and over again lately. I wonder who ‘they’ is supposed to be to those saying it. A large number of the residents of the buildings around me now are gossiping constantly and trading stupid stories. Many of them are displaying anger and contempt as they project their judgements at me from six feet away.
One of the female bus drivers who have been gossiping for years and bad mouthing me often looks way form me know and blushes when she sees me. It is one thing to know what they do and quite another to be able to prove it. If I didn’t have Dale’s quote from the game in writing I would have no chance of proving this as it has become more and more complex and with more ‘stories’ added every year designed to protect the GROUP from blame. I have even heard some of them talking about how I looked right at one of them after one of them left me standing at a bus stop on purpose. He was afraid it was going to be a problem for him but was told, “Don’t worry if there is any problem, we’ll take care of it.” I wondered when they announced that ‘solution’ what they MEANT by that exactly. I have told one woman at me new address what they ‘game’ is called and exactly what the results of that have been to me. She has passed something I told her on to one of the older scowling women there at the bus stop who, in turn, gossiped with another one at the bus stop and also collected some information form the one who works at A&W at the mall. ALL of these people consider their story telling to be ‘hidden’ from me. This includes all the new fabrications coming form an assortment of mall crawlers, including the table wiper in the food court who continues to ‘hide’ her gossiping abut me, behind three raised fingers to cover her mouth. Oh, you’ll love this one too: Apparently, they told ‘him’ that I had been outside and in a tree and he beloved them so he went out to look and see if I was still there. Isn’t that just the most ‘hilarious’ thing you have ever heard? And we are both sooooo stupid that we believe these morons too. At least, that is what the morons like to believe. Of course the Martin’s woman would be amazed that I Knew this (since she is hiding in plain sight) but also it does not occur to her that the people she is gossiping with constantly aren’t as she or careful about acting out what she has to say and where they got the information. Tee hee. They have a great long standing group delusion going and they don’t want to lose the entertainment value they get from adding to it all the time. All of them pass along everything they hear to everyone they know and of those, the local loudmouths act it all out for me. Fifteen years it has been going so far and for fifteen years it has been denied. As one of the residents of my new building said as I approached the bus stop, “It just goes to show you. You never really know do you?”
More to come on this post...stay tuned for all the latest forever.
So another name has been added to the ever growing list of public assessors. This one does much ‘socializing’ in all the housing projects too. She is reconnecting the former gossips going years back too. Today (October 10th) I saw her in the square talking to ‘Jackie’ the head shaver’s sister and also ‘Terry’ one of the members of the groups from the Manor also seen in the past with the man I call ‘Intrepid.”
On the street it is said, “She’s the real deal. It’s all true.’’ Recently, I have also heard again that a ‘he’ was ‘a little bit concerned as she has not seen her family for a long time.’ I wonder to myself which ‘he’ that is and what it is that ‘concerns him’ so about my life and experience of it but which does NOT concern him enough to bother talking directly to me instead of talking it over with everyone else he can find. Who knows? I have heard a number of ‘hes’ continue to do the same thing and of course, every time they do, all the usual gossips young and old, former and present, do another round on the analysis of me, in absentia as always. I wonder why it never occurs to them that this behaviour of theirs is the problem and not my ‘perception’ of it, which they deny. It is the denial itself, which is causing me, and HAS caused me all the problems. Do any of them, I wonder, actually KNOW what a personal boundary is? I don’t think they do.
I saw the one who performed her ‘crazy’ act for me on the train to Toronto way back in 95, out in front of Wally’s tavern today, smoking. (You remember this don’t you? This was what I first got offered a ‘little something to reduce my awareness for) That could not have happened either according to two psychiatrists back then as it would not be ‘reasonable’ for anyone o behave that way.) She was with the one I call Beer Belly Blondie. He takes his blue bike there with him sometimes. Those with her then (students) were the ones who took my picture on the train to Toronto that time. (This was also invalidated by the system.) Heard over the Guelph transit radio on Sept. 7th, 2007, “Oh this all took place many years ago.” If you are still gossiping about it now, then it is not yet ‘in the past’ is it? As Dale’s training points out to us, there is only the now.” Time is not really ‘linear.’ (That’s one of his ‘game’ concepts.)
October, 10th, 2007. Scottish Rose is still sharing her opinions of my character as she rides the local bus system (she has a police connection somehow; as well as that of many other people) as is her usual habit. I believe we call this ‘levelling’ do we not? There is apparently another round of ‘correcting’ HIM, going on right now. I am reportedly ‘like two different people’ and this is demonstrated by a couple of fabricated stories to ‘prove’ it. I have heard this same thing from my relatives, (indirectly of course). It is done to talk others out of taking my side on things as by group consensus I have been made the ‘bad’ one, even though this is done all day by people who also claim they ‘don’t like to judge’ There are also ‘covert’ stories used to demonstrate their point though I am not ‘allowed’ to know about those ‘stories or to be there to confront the tellers of them as THAT would be ‘inappropriate behaviour’ on MY part. See how well that works to support the story tellers who have no such rules applied to them?” It usually comes after the time I have pushed to resolve an issue and then, in frustration stopped talking when nothing penetrates and it is defined as my ‘seeking attention’ and then ‘withdrawing’ which is ironically true (like in Dale’s game) but is presented as thought it were something strictly contained within me and without having a thing to do with external reality or relationship! A couple of the elderly women from the tow buildings near me now are scowling again at the bus stop again. They have heard some ‘stories’ now you see and they are assessing my personality for me too. Again, they don’t think I am ‘friendly enough.’ They also don’t think I am aware of their judgements and assessments, even though they are acting them out for me from six feet away. This truth is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to bend my mind around in this. It still seems impossible that this many people could be this stupid and lacking in awareness for this long without being ‘joking’ about it. But they aren’t joking. They seriously believe that when they talk about me over and over again, repeating all the same old stories and adding new ones, from a few feet away, I cannot see them or hear them because I am such a dull witted human being that I understand nothing. They know that mostly from Homewood staff too. They have come up with a lot of stories to justify their attack on me. I am sure Dale knew they would too since that is demonstrated in his ‘training’ program. (The ‘game’)
They spent a lot of time at the Volunteer Centre forming a covert (a key word in this whole group action believe me) consensus opinion on how to get rid of me there. After much discussion amongst themselves in ‘secret’ Cathy T. finally told me they were not going to be used anymore by anyone other than those using them looking for volunteer work. I said, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ The last thing anyone there had told me about using the computers there, in a straightforward manner was this: You can use the computer as much as you want Pat. You don’t have to stick to the hour unless there is someone else who wants to use it when you are here, then you will have to quit.’ I agreed and stuck to it. This offer was mad by Carol Ann D. and repeated to me by Chris.
Donna, The Party girl’s gossip connections are great; if there is anything you’d like to know, any crap at all, and accuracy is not important to you, she’s the one to go to. She is connected to all sides of the gossip mongering people; my neighbours, bus drivers, Jackie, head shaver, Terry, Peggy from Homewood and the Capistrano’s daily gossips. Bet if I went looking I would find her in Wally’s at times too. If you can’t find her, look for one of her buddies with white hair and dressed in pink a lot, also in the town square expressing her opinions and I believe she is a resident of another housing unit herself. Just listen in the town square or in the Old Quebec St. centre, at the library etc. and you are bound to pick up some of the juicy (Hallucinations) that I have been diagnosed with. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You will find Donna most days standing at the bus fare box, offering and receiving all of the latest. She reminds me of the one who was always standing at the fare box in 94/95 also with bus driver ‘Chris.’ Some things never change do they? I am still having the same delusions about bus drivers that got me my label way back then. Donna has also managed to connect with Susan at the library, (who we know finds me just lacking in self respect as I ‘throw’ myself at men) as well as many of the current drinkers and users and the graduates of the Manor from Homewood . I find that many of them are still quite ‘grandiose’ in their judgements too. Many of them are not at all shy about expressing their opinion of me too; all based on all of their own stories of course. They don’t actually know me. I have even seen Donna sitting in the square talking to the daughter of a former client of inner. I call her the ‘aging hooker.’ (Not her real identity) Mrs., Hooker has also been bad mouthing me for years along with many others but it is a secret being kept from me so don’t tell cause she has also tried to offer me her saccharine smile after that and personable sounding greetings. I believe you can also get an updated opinion of me from the Vin Joy shoe guy who continues to express his opinion to others and in turn they pass that along, though the shoe guy now sometimes adds, “Of course, it is none of my business really. “ I have not seen the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ with him for a long time but, I have seen “Intrepid’ not long ago with a psychiatrized guy of about 50 who I have also seen many times at the library computers and with whom I have had a short conversation or two. In the distant past, I have seen this “Intrepid’ guy in the halls of Homewood while I was still working there and while the ‘game’ was going on, and once, years ago, I saw him walking up the street talking to Dr. Burslem, now retired from Homewood. Dr. Burslem was also one of my client’s doctors there. Sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?
Another habitué of Wally’s is ‘Wendy’ a middle aged looking woman with curly brown hair who had been heard discussing some of the goings on around all this with the late Jay Newman. These people ALL used to be ‘strangers to me’ that I ‘thought’ were talking about me.
The phrase, “they almost pulled it off’ is heard by me over and over again lately. I wonder who ‘they’ is supposed to be to those saying it. A large number of the residents of the buildings around me now are gossiping constantly and trading stupid stories. Many of them are displaying anger and contempt as they project their judgements at me from six feet away.
One of the female bus drivers who have been gossiping for years and bad mouthing me often looks way form me know and blushes when she sees me. It is one thing to know what they do and quite another to be able to prove it. If I didn’t have Dale’s quote from the game in writing I would have no chance of proving this as it has become more and more complex and with more ‘stories’ added every year designed to protect the GROUP from blame. I have even heard some of them talking about how I looked right at one of them after one of them left me standing at a bus stop on purpose. He was afraid it was going to be a problem for him but was told, “Don’t worry if there is any problem, we’ll take care of it.” I wondered when they announced that ‘solution’ what they MEANT by that exactly. I have told one woman at me new address what they ‘game’ is called and exactly what the results of that have been to me. She has passed something I told her on to one of the older scowling women there at the bus stop who, in turn, gossiped with another one at the bus stop and also collected some information form the one who works at A&W at the mall. ALL of these people consider their story telling to be ‘hidden’ from me. This includes all the new fabrications coming form an assortment of mall crawlers, including the table wiper in the food court who continues to ‘hide’ her gossiping abut me, behind three raised fingers to cover her mouth. Oh, you’ll love this one too: Apparently, they told ‘him’ that I had been outside and in a tree and he beloved them so he went out to look and see if I was still there. Isn’t that just the most ‘hilarious’ thing you have ever heard? And we are both sooooo stupid that we believe these morons too. At least, that is what the morons like to believe. Of course the Martin’s woman would be amazed that I Knew this (since she is hiding in plain sight) but also it does not occur to her that the people she is gossiping with constantly aren’t as she or careful about acting out what she has to say and where they got the information. Tee hee. They have a great long standing group delusion going and they don’t want to lose the entertainment value they get from adding to it all the time. All of them pass along everything they hear to everyone they know and of those, the local loudmouths act it all out for me. Fifteen years it has been going so far and for fifteen years it has been denied. As one of the residents of my new building said as I approached the bus stop, “It just goes to show you. You never really know do you?”
More to come on this post...stay tuned for all the latest forever.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Gossiping In Guelph: August/September 2007
U. or G. students are discussing how it is all true and it is ‘just terrifying’. (to HEAR about yet many of them are still assessing my looks, (effin ugly, old broad, scraggy looking old lady etc.) my clothing;( ‘scruffy looking dresser, no ‘fashion sense’) my character; (effin female dog) and my intellect; (just stupid (a Homewood staffer favourite). “They want to interview her’ has been repeated many times in August by people playing the ‘there she is’ announcements ‘game.’
Some of my street observers comment between themselves, “Why couldn’t we see that?” In fact, ‘her’ as I am discussed by many of the people in town here, and me as the person who often sits there listening to them, are not the same person to many of them so this has added greatly to an already confusing situation. I am NEVER talked to directly by anyone but I am talked AT or about, by thousands. When I have said this in the past, to those in Homewood, I have often then been hissed at in the streets or on buses by those who repeat back what they’ve heard and who them sometimes have suggested violence towards me as a result or even the ‘killing of my boyfriend’ whomever that is, or perhaps is believed to BE, by the speaker, if anyone.
There are multiple versions of my ‘reality’ still going on virtually anything relating to me such as:
1.I work for Comcare.
2. I don’t work for Comcare anymore.
3. There IS no Comcare anymore (since the office closed for the support workers here)
4. I wear a Comcare uniform because I ‘weird’ or ‘the whack job’ (a favourite of the addicted community and some of their old buddies who have not yet been through the addictions program at Homewood )
Others include:
I ‘think’ the person they are talking about is me.” (Isn’t she stupid?)
I ‘pretend’ it’s me; for the ‘attention.’ (you know how all us ‘nuts’ are supposedly just saying things happen to us, when REALLY, they don’t, because we all love that attention/fame thing.)
It IS her.
Really I don’t write essays. I am just answering e-mails.
I said I was going to write a book. Heard at the Library; along with derisive laughter) “Probably, the only place she has written a book is in her own head…(snort snort)
(Yes that’ true. I write my essays there first too)
Group assessment of the situation from the Volunteer Centre: “she COULD have gone and talked to ‘him’ about it.’ ‘ Oh no, that would be too logical.’
(I wonder who ‘him’ was in that case. Is ‘him’ one of the many ‘hims’ I already told? Keep reminding yourselves I am ten feet away when they are doing this loudly, with open doors.)
Now Walker Hanes would be an interesting person to gossip with abut this as he has a version of reality going too in which “‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then made her think he was in love with her!” (woo woo!) “Don’t you think that is just Sooooo funny? He asked Donna L. her response, ‘Well, yes…etc…
These are the ones that really stun me. The adult supposedly sane human beings who think that psychological abuse etc. is just a real riot! (unless of course, it was them. Bet it wouldn’t be quite so ‘hilarious’ if their own lives were destroyed as a joke; especially if they got told by the same people they were insane if they ‘thought’ they had the experience and lost their jobs, minds, bank accounts, reputations and all their relationships because of the cover up…Yuk yuk yuk….Young Walker is apparently the son of a local doctor (His mother I believe) so he would have an inside track on the ‘fun’ I’m sure. If you can’t find him or Donna, you could just ask the others at the Volunteer Centre as she passed it all along to them too. ( Har har)
BY the way, if any of you don’t like your opinions being expressed on line, just take your own assessment back on that; you know, the one so many of you have handed to me, “Come on (lady, fella) where’s your sense of humour? Can’t you take a joke? Why aren’t you smiling more? You’re not being very ‘friendly are you?” (Isn’t this just a hoot? Mary Morton apparently thinks so at the same time her husband Russ thinks I am a ‘very sad case,’ so he has allegedly shared with the folks hanging out at the mall.) Gee, I wonder if I, as the sad case and or butt of the ‘joke’ should be crying or laughing with glee. Better not do either as I may get to be the ‘bi-polar’ disorder next since it won’t be related to anything real in actual life. I know I will just adopt a tiny little Mona Lisa smile and glue it to my face at all times hoping to pleas all my assessors; or maybe that will be too ‘suspicious.’ Maybe neutral…oh no, that would get ‘interpreted’ as ‘flat affect.’ Yet another ‘sign.’ It is quite the dilemma when you are perceived as ‘mad’ let me tell you. It is the reason so many long term ‘patents’ end up acting like automatons, which then gets defined as a sing of disease process too.
In August, The city bus drivers announce, “They almost pulled it off.” Quickly, the female driver of the bus I am on reaches to turn down her radio. This is a move I have watched for many years. At one point, they had all the radios turned up very loud at all times, (so the passengers could stay involved too) and believed that somehow, magically apparently I would not know what they were talking about then either. Why in 95, or 96 (can’t remember right now exactly but DID make note of it) the reason a large group of employees from Homewood, from maintenance and the switchboard, came down to the square was, according to the city bus drivers announcement, to ‘watch me change buses.’ (Easily entertained weren’t they?) Then, as announced by Norm M. now retired who was driving the bus I was on at the time, I didn’t change buses that time!) har har har…On the street it is announced that I am a favourite topic of conversation at my usual grocery store (I already knew that) it is also stated; ‘this can be done to anyone and there isn’t a thing the person can do about it’. (Yes, I know that too)
On Monday, August 27, I saw the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ at the Mall. I am not usually there on a week day. He was wearing a gray uniform of some kind and talking to a man that I now to be a psychiatrized person. This second man has had a few brief conversations with me at the Library computer terminals. I think he has developed pseudo Parkinson’s’ of the drug induced variety.
Peggy, Homewood employee is seen again sitting in front of Capistrano’s’ and all around her are both some of the long term gossips and some of the new gossips being added to the community assessment mix, some of who live where I live now or next door. They include “Jackie’ the head shaver’s apparent relative and the Big Hawaiian (according to his clothes) as I have given him the name for identity purposes as well as party girl Donna who is connecting in a gossiping frenzy to all sorts of people, including another series of bus drivers, as well as some of the old ones involved like ‘Chris’ the woman driver who used to warn others all the way back to 95 (as they stood gossiping at her fare box just like Donna here) to ‘be careful and not let me ‘spot’ them. This folks are all considered to be ‘friendly’ like non gossip mongering me. Of course, you may think I am getting a lot more ‘friendly’ now right? Donna is keeping the addicted community informed again as well as all my new neighbours who are very good at being ‘friendly’. I wonder how long it will be before I start getting the ‘uttered’ death threats again. In any case, if you want all the latest assessment s of me this Donna is clearly the new go to girl. She never stops. Why she has even connected to one of the Library staff who offered her a little advice about relating to me.
Now Donna the party gal from 387 is a gossiping whirling with connections to many people including connections to:
The Big Hawaiian living in the same building as her or nearby (not sure) Peggy from Homewood, Jackie the head shavers’ relative, the other gossiping tenants and at least four or five bus drivers who are still involving themselves in all the stories and many of these drivers are new and were not around while I was breaking down under pressure in 95. Donna gossips with them standing at the fare box on my new route while I am on the bus just like the good old days when it was ‘fat broad with the permanent who was standing at the bus fare boxes all the time observing the specimen here. Donna has now even connected, with Susan (“doesn’t she have any self respect!”) at the Library. It’s like “ Mad City : The Next Generation”, now. Also she is connected to the one I call the aging hooker who has been bad mouthing me for yeas as she could not get her own way from Homecare before. This too is her ‘secret’ or so she thinks. The population of Guelph is in fact, loaded with ‘secrets’ being kept so non one else can get blamed or suffer negative effects. Instead, I can be diagnosed insane and that’s OK with everybody isn’t it?
Keep telling yourselves that, while you do this, and roll your eyes with disdain, asking each other ‘what’s the big deal’ while reminding yourselves that all you are doing and rolling your eyes about, is considered to be ‘my imagination,’ and it is what I got psychiatrized for as the system proclaimed it all to be ‘non existent.’ Now think about how on of my discussions with dale was on existentialism (just briefly and vaguely of course) and how this is part of the ‘game’ he is playing which was also denied as happening. Try really hard all you gossips to GET this; Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour are one and the same. Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour though have been split apart and seen as opposing view points, existing for YOU and NOT existing for ME.
Your behaviour and MY perception of your behaviour are one and the same but that is DENIED. Having trouble wrapping your mind around that? So did I” but when I have trouble doing it, it is framed as a ‘disease’ process in me. That being the case, why is not the same in you? Ask yourself that.
Now let’s get back to all of MY ‘delusions’ and YOUR gossip. This continues all these years because of the split in reality that was created by ‘you know who’ right from the start followed by the total denial of the group behaviour that resulted form that; Both I and the rest of you are ‘at effect’ as Dale puts it in the training jargon.
MY ‘hallucinated conversations’ and YOUR gossiping: “and” not “or”
A guy on the bus sits shaking his head in disbelief as students sit and discuss me on the bus. I wonder if he thinks HE is ‘hallucinating conversations’ too? He knows who I am by name as I have been pointed out to him in the town square and he, in turn, has pointed me out to another at the Dominion building where another assessment has taken place, including the Workfare boys. The same one I used to listen passing along the gossip in 99, after I was forced out of my job the second time. I did not know who they three of them making comments were back then but I do now. Someone should tell the fuzzy faced one I still have not ‘given it up lady,’ as he announced that I should as the three of them walked by me years ago. I am sure they still believe that THEY are a mystery to me. They also used to sit in the Eaton Centre Food court and discuss all the latest rumours along with the boys from the Celery and Morris law firm. to me rather than the other way a round. I wonder what Fuzzy meant by that back then.’ Give it up’ in which way”? Stop trying to get help? Start giving more information to people about it? It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it and as they say in Dales’ ‘game’ “It’s about communication.”
Walker H. teen volunteer and son of a doctor (his mother I hear) who worked at the Volunteer centre told Donna L. there that ‘they made her think he was in love with her and they made him think she was in love with him Don’t you think that is just Soooo funny? Donna’s answer: “well yes….but”
(I found her response interesting. I would love to have Donna explain her ‘yes’ answer to me) Gail V. was at the Library conferring with staff there one day on my use of the computers. I was so happy to be assessed some more by Library staff and others as I can never get enough of that. ) A group consensus opinion was formed there apparently with no personal input necessary form me of course. That is because I was not being made ‘aware’ of the conference, at least not as far as the awareness of those doing the conferring was concerned. I am still pretty much the ‘object of observation here; or ‘item’ as Dales’ jargon puts it.
A lot of information (dis or otherwise) can be yours if you can just manage to connect with the addicted community I some way. They have been involved as major judges and assessors going way back to the time of threats and wishes I would ‘burn in hell’ right inside Homewood . I have also been discussed by those now in twelve step groups and program at the Manor and even amongst those who are still drinking and usi9ing who are all their buddies. The patients from the Manor section at Homewood used to discuss what was going on (as they understood it) between me and Dale when they were doing their 28 days there. The system I have talked to abut this knows all this already and suppress it or deny it outright. These too you see are part of my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.” As you open your mouths every day to pass along all the latest, keep reminding yourselves of that. What you do and my awareness of it has been denied and reframed as MY ‘mental illness’ for which I was offered a little something to ‘reduce’ my ‘awareness’ which they believed was not REAL of course but just ‘delusional.’ Why don’t you get together for another groupthink session and see if you can decipher why I might be angry and frustrated with all of you. Then when you come up with q consensus opinion, act it out for me in the town square so I can repeat it back to you and you can be amazed about it and wonder if I am ‘psychic’ for that? After all, I can‘t possibly understand what smart superior people like you are doing can I?
Steve from my building has also been seen having intense conversations about it with Danny, again a Manor connection as was Harry McC and Sean Mark and Dr. Reid Finlayson. There was also a series of them who moved into the apartment overhead where I used to live so they could have some laughs. My landlord thought they were all ‘real nice guys’ too. One of those real nice guys was in Homewood as part of his plea bargain. He went to jail after that for beating up a series of women. One of them No doubt all coincidences right? Many people gossiping about it in the town square every day have also been in the Manor and psychiatrized. Yet even they cannot put together their own gossiping mocking ridiculing and laughing with my repot of that. Instead, they too accept that I am a ‘whack job' for seeing it and not just a person with the ability to see the perfectly obvious. After all, they too are ‘fooling’ me by acting it all out in plain sight.
Some of my street observers comment between themselves, “Why couldn’t we see that?” In fact, ‘her’ as I am discussed by many of the people in town here, and me as the person who often sits there listening to them, are not the same person to many of them so this has added greatly to an already confusing situation. I am NEVER talked to directly by anyone but I am talked AT or about, by thousands. When I have said this in the past, to those in Homewood, I have often then been hissed at in the streets or on buses by those who repeat back what they’ve heard and who them sometimes have suggested violence towards me as a result or even the ‘killing of my boyfriend’ whomever that is, or perhaps is believed to BE, by the speaker, if anyone.
There are multiple versions of my ‘reality’ still going on virtually anything relating to me such as:
1.I work for Comcare.
2. I don’t work for Comcare anymore.
3. There IS no Comcare anymore (since the office closed for the support workers here)
4. I wear a Comcare uniform because I ‘weird’ or ‘the whack job’ (a favourite of the addicted community and some of their old buddies who have not yet been through the addictions program at Homewood )
Others include:
I ‘think’ the person they are talking about is me.” (Isn’t she stupid?)
I ‘pretend’ it’s me; for the ‘attention.’ (you know how all us ‘nuts’ are supposedly just saying things happen to us, when REALLY, they don’t, because we all love that attention/fame thing.)
It IS her.
Really I don’t write essays. I am just answering e-mails.
I said I was going to write a book. Heard at the Library; along with derisive laughter) “Probably, the only place she has written a book is in her own head…(snort snort)
(Yes that’ true. I write my essays there first too)
Group assessment of the situation from the Volunteer Centre: “she COULD have gone and talked to ‘him’ about it.’ ‘ Oh no, that would be too logical.’
(I wonder who ‘him’ was in that case. Is ‘him’ one of the many ‘hims’ I already told? Keep reminding yourselves I am ten feet away when they are doing this loudly, with open doors.)
Now Walker Hanes would be an interesting person to gossip with abut this as he has a version of reality going too in which “‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then made her think he was in love with her!” (woo woo!) “Don’t you think that is just Sooooo funny? He asked Donna L. her response, ‘Well, yes…etc…
These are the ones that really stun me. The adult supposedly sane human beings who think that psychological abuse etc. is just a real riot! (unless of course, it was them. Bet it wouldn’t be quite so ‘hilarious’ if their own lives were destroyed as a joke; especially if they got told by the same people they were insane if they ‘thought’ they had the experience and lost their jobs, minds, bank accounts, reputations and all their relationships because of the cover up…Yuk yuk yuk….Young Walker is apparently the son of a local doctor (His mother I believe) so he would have an inside track on the ‘fun’ I’m sure. If you can’t find him or Donna, you could just ask the others at the Volunteer Centre as she passed it all along to them too. ( Har har)
BY the way, if any of you don’t like your opinions being expressed on line, just take your own assessment back on that; you know, the one so many of you have handed to me, “Come on (lady, fella) where’s your sense of humour? Can’t you take a joke? Why aren’t you smiling more? You’re not being very ‘friendly are you?” (Isn’t this just a hoot? Mary Morton apparently thinks so at the same time her husband Russ thinks I am a ‘very sad case,’ so he has allegedly shared with the folks hanging out at the mall.) Gee, I wonder if I, as the sad case and or butt of the ‘joke’ should be crying or laughing with glee. Better not do either as I may get to be the ‘bi-polar’ disorder next since it won’t be related to anything real in actual life. I know I will just adopt a tiny little Mona Lisa smile and glue it to my face at all times hoping to pleas all my assessors; or maybe that will be too ‘suspicious.’ Maybe neutral…oh no, that would get ‘interpreted’ as ‘flat affect.’ Yet another ‘sign.’ It is quite the dilemma when you are perceived as ‘mad’ let me tell you. It is the reason so many long term ‘patents’ end up acting like automatons, which then gets defined as a sing of disease process too.
In August, The city bus drivers announce, “They almost pulled it off.” Quickly, the female driver of the bus I am on reaches to turn down her radio. This is a move I have watched for many years. At one point, they had all the radios turned up very loud at all times, (so the passengers could stay involved too) and believed that somehow, magically apparently I would not know what they were talking about then either. Why in 95, or 96 (can’t remember right now exactly but DID make note of it) the reason a large group of employees from Homewood, from maintenance and the switchboard, came down to the square was, according to the city bus drivers announcement, to ‘watch me change buses.’ (Easily entertained weren’t they?) Then, as announced by Norm M. now retired who was driving the bus I was on at the time, I didn’t change buses that time!) har har har…On the street it is announced that I am a favourite topic of conversation at my usual grocery store (I already knew that) it is also stated; ‘this can be done to anyone and there isn’t a thing the person can do about it’. (Yes, I know that too)
On Monday, August 27, I saw the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ at the Mall. I am not usually there on a week day. He was wearing a gray uniform of some kind and talking to a man that I now to be a psychiatrized person. This second man has had a few brief conversations with me at the Library computer terminals. I think he has developed pseudo Parkinson’s’ of the drug induced variety.
Peggy, Homewood employee is seen again sitting in front of Capistrano’s’ and all around her are both some of the long term gossips and some of the new gossips being added to the community assessment mix, some of who live where I live now or next door. They include “Jackie’ the head shaver’s apparent relative and the Big Hawaiian (according to his clothes) as I have given him the name for identity purposes as well as party girl Donna who is connecting in a gossiping frenzy to all sorts of people, including another series of bus drivers, as well as some of the old ones involved like ‘Chris’ the woman driver who used to warn others all the way back to 95 (as they stood gossiping at her fare box just like Donna here) to ‘be careful and not let me ‘spot’ them. This folks are all considered to be ‘friendly’ like non gossip mongering me. Of course, you may think I am getting a lot more ‘friendly’ now right? Donna is keeping the addicted community informed again as well as all my new neighbours who are very good at being ‘friendly’. I wonder how long it will be before I start getting the ‘uttered’ death threats again. In any case, if you want all the latest assessment s of me this Donna is clearly the new go to girl. She never stops. Why she has even connected to one of the Library staff who offered her a little advice about relating to me.
Now Donna the party gal from 387 is a gossiping whirling with connections to many people including connections to:
The Big Hawaiian living in the same building as her or nearby (not sure) Peggy from Homewood, Jackie the head shavers’ relative, the other gossiping tenants and at least four or five bus drivers who are still involving themselves in all the stories and many of these drivers are new and were not around while I was breaking down under pressure in 95. Donna gossips with them standing at the fare box on my new route while I am on the bus just like the good old days when it was ‘fat broad with the permanent who was standing at the bus fare boxes all the time observing the specimen here. Donna has now even connected, with Susan (“doesn’t she have any self respect!”) at the Library. It’s like “ Mad City : The Next Generation”, now. Also she is connected to the one I call the aging hooker who has been bad mouthing me for yeas as she could not get her own way from Homecare before. This too is her ‘secret’ or so she thinks. The population of Guelph is in fact, loaded with ‘secrets’ being kept so non one else can get blamed or suffer negative effects. Instead, I can be diagnosed insane and that’s OK with everybody isn’t it?
Keep telling yourselves that, while you do this, and roll your eyes with disdain, asking each other ‘what’s the big deal’ while reminding yourselves that all you are doing and rolling your eyes about, is considered to be ‘my imagination,’ and it is what I got psychiatrized for as the system proclaimed it all to be ‘non existent.’ Now think about how on of my discussions with dale was on existentialism (just briefly and vaguely of course) and how this is part of the ‘game’ he is playing which was also denied as happening. Try really hard all you gossips to GET this; Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour are one and the same. Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour though have been split apart and seen as opposing view points, existing for YOU and NOT existing for ME.
Your behaviour and MY perception of your behaviour are one and the same but that is DENIED. Having trouble wrapping your mind around that? So did I” but when I have trouble doing it, it is framed as a ‘disease’ process in me. That being the case, why is not the same in you? Ask yourself that.
Now let’s get back to all of MY ‘delusions’ and YOUR gossip. This continues all these years because of the split in reality that was created by ‘you know who’ right from the start followed by the total denial of the group behaviour that resulted form that; Both I and the rest of you are ‘at effect’ as Dale puts it in the training jargon.
MY ‘hallucinated conversations’ and YOUR gossiping: “and” not “or”
A guy on the bus sits shaking his head in disbelief as students sit and discuss me on the bus. I wonder if he thinks HE is ‘hallucinating conversations’ too? He knows who I am by name as I have been pointed out to him in the town square and he, in turn, has pointed me out to another at the Dominion building where another assessment has taken place, including the Workfare boys. The same one I used to listen passing along the gossip in 99, after I was forced out of my job the second time. I did not know who they three of them making comments were back then but I do now. Someone should tell the fuzzy faced one I still have not ‘given it up lady,’ as he announced that I should as the three of them walked by me years ago. I am sure they still believe that THEY are a mystery to me. They also used to sit in the Eaton Centre Food court and discuss all the latest rumours along with the boys from the Celery and Morris law firm. to me rather than the other way a round. I wonder what Fuzzy meant by that back then.’ Give it up’ in which way”? Stop trying to get help? Start giving more information to people about it? It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it and as they say in Dales’ ‘game’ “It’s about communication.”
Walker H. teen volunteer and son of a doctor (his mother I hear) who worked at the Volunteer centre told Donna L. there that ‘they made her think he was in love with her and they made him think she was in love with him Don’t you think that is just Soooo funny? Donna’s answer: “well yes….but”
(I found her response interesting. I would love to have Donna explain her ‘yes’ answer to me) Gail V. was at the Library conferring with staff there one day on my use of the computers. I was so happy to be assessed some more by Library staff and others as I can never get enough of that. ) A group consensus opinion was formed there apparently with no personal input necessary form me of course. That is because I was not being made ‘aware’ of the conference, at least not as far as the awareness of those doing the conferring was concerned. I am still pretty much the ‘object of observation here; or ‘item’ as Dales’ jargon puts it.
A lot of information (dis or otherwise) can be yours if you can just manage to connect with the addicted community I some way. They have been involved as major judges and assessors going way back to the time of threats and wishes I would ‘burn in hell’ right inside Homewood . I have also been discussed by those now in twelve step groups and program at the Manor and even amongst those who are still drinking and usi9ing who are all their buddies. The patients from the Manor section at Homewood used to discuss what was going on (as they understood it) between me and Dale when they were doing their 28 days there. The system I have talked to abut this knows all this already and suppress it or deny it outright. These too you see are part of my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.” As you open your mouths every day to pass along all the latest, keep reminding yourselves of that. What you do and my awareness of it has been denied and reframed as MY ‘mental illness’ for which I was offered a little something to ‘reduce’ my ‘awareness’ which they believed was not REAL of course but just ‘delusional.’ Why don’t you get together for another groupthink session and see if you can decipher why I might be angry and frustrated with all of you. Then when you come up with q consensus opinion, act it out for me in the town square so I can repeat it back to you and you can be amazed about it and wonder if I am ‘psychic’ for that? After all, I can‘t possibly understand what smart superior people like you are doing can I?
Steve from my building has also been seen having intense conversations about it with Danny, again a Manor connection as was Harry McC and Sean Mark and Dr. Reid Finlayson. There was also a series of them who moved into the apartment overhead where I used to live so they could have some laughs. My landlord thought they were all ‘real nice guys’ too. One of those real nice guys was in Homewood as part of his plea bargain. He went to jail after that for beating up a series of women. One of them No doubt all coincidences right? Many people gossiping about it in the town square every day have also been in the Manor and psychiatrized. Yet even they cannot put together their own gossiping mocking ridiculing and laughing with my repot of that. Instead, they too accept that I am a ‘whack job' for seeing it and not just a person with the ability to see the perfectly obvious. After all, they too are ‘fooling’ me by acting it all out in plain sight.
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