Further Updates From the Citizens Acting Out

But First:
I am about to post more of September’s acting out but I just had to do this one first. I just got off the bus after being treated to a little performance by two of the tenants in the building next to me. One of them is the newer star of the gossiping routine doing her usual daily performance and the other has joined in. They also included a third person, younger but enjoying the contempt and disdain of her supporting role. Their act today went like this: First there was another round of how I managed to qualify for housing (since I’m rich) followed by a discussion about today’s evaluations of me in the community now that they have apparently ‘found out’ who they have actually been bad mouthing all this time. Now the bad mouthing has not stopped but it has now shifted in tone slightly and now it is more directed at me personally since I have been identified. There was another round of ‘what’s the big deal?’ which is something this newer star gossip has been asking everyone she can, including some bus drivers even when she did NOT know who she was talking about. They were discussing changing apartments and moving into my building was mentioned along with “You could move over there where “The Big Deal” lives.’ (They shared a contemptuous little laugh together and then the three of them took turns looking right at me closer to the back of the bus. The Main Mouthpiece then stated, “So it’s the exact opposite…what is so difficult about seeing that? (They shook their contemptuous little heads together in the negative) Mouthpiece added. Maybe she needed someone to draw her a picture. You’re an artist right? Maybe you could do that…(ha ha ha ) They keep saying it’s amazing…(yes I know. I have heard that at east five thousand times by now ) What’s so amazing about it (they asked each other, more head shaking and another look back at me in unison this time) What’s so amazing? So she got on the Internet, big deal. “
Now I actually agree this is not that amazing in the way that THEY believe it to be since they really don’t understand it, but obviously believe they do, and better than I do. The other thing they don’t understand is that they are all perfectly obvious to me since they are acting out something that I have known for years and had repeated to me in one form or another, year after year, by people acting just like this three, who believe they are a mystery to me because they are sure they are MORE aware than I am when in fact, they are far LESS aware than I am. I didn’t understand that before since it seemed impossible; but I do now. These are the kind of people who behave this way about me, in my presence and then the next time they see me alone or a few feet closure, put on their saccharine smiles and pseudo ‘friendliness’ and can’t figure out why I don’t bother with them. They conclude it must be some psychological problem I am having since it can’t be them; after all, they are ‘normal.’ By the way, at least two of these three are ‘compliant’ psychiatrized people, both of who have done at least one round at the Manor at Homewood . Are you starting to get the picture? It has been the addicted community that has been the most vocal about their opinions. Guess why.

All of these performances are just old news to me and have been for a very long time. When I hear them coming out of the mouths of new people, like these tow who live near me, it is not something I don’t know about them. It is a whole lot they don’t know about me and themselves. After people like me manage to figure this out, while such people try to make sure we can’t so they can keep their own delusions going, this stuff gets to be a real bore. It is like watching the same dysfunctional play repeated over and over again ad infinite, in a performance that never varies or adds anything new. As Dale pointed out, in that vague and abstract way of his training, The play’s the thing, “Shakespeare.” But you see, I already knew that from my own life experience. You might say he paid to be trained to be an a**hole where as, I was trained by a**holes in my life, for FREE.

OK now back to the September update on “Citizens Acting Out.”

Other psychiatrized people who are also connected to the addicted community and the mall evaluators point me out to each other from fur feet away saying, “that’s her.’ They share a little laugh together. They do no connect their own ‘talking about me’ with being told THEMSELVES that ‘believing people are talking about you’ is a sign of ‘mental illness’ Ii both them and me. The hardest thing to wrap my head around in this and for others to do too is the most simple and obvious details. I ‘think’ People are talking a but me because they are the people talking about me which is perfectly obvious. They ‘think’ it must be some ‘other’ imaginary people I ‘think’ are talking about me, since they are sure that ‘dumb and unconscious as I am, I could not possibly know about them and their talking since they ‘think’ they are well hidden form me even four feet away, while doing all the talking. The whole experience is just like that in all the details. They STILL can’t see it but they also still believe they have the superior understanding and that I must be a real moron not to be able to see what is so easy for THEM!. It is just laughable and I would probably Still be ‘laughing’ for no reason’ if the ‘joke’ hadn’t been repeated so often that the humour has worn off. Now it just looks stupid and boring and oh so arrogant to watch people do this. It is amazing to me too but for a whole other reason. I am ‘amazed’ too but what I ma amazed about is the amount of time and energy devoted to denying this and supporting and enabling dysfunction. It is like if they can’t be superior, they don’t know what else they could be. That used to confuse me but now I get this as ‘fear based’ behaviour. Most of these people swallow something so they don’t have to feel anything and yet they still obviously have a lot of rage backed up or they wouldn’t be spending so much time looking for surrogates to dump it on. It never seems to occur to them that I don’t ‘socialize; with this type because I think they are sickening and juvenile in their thinking and acting out, not ‘superior.’ It is childish crap disguise as ‘socializing’ but what it really is is just plain old vicious gossiping because that is how they release negative emotion for which they have no other outlet. Ion many ways I think we can ‘thank’ psychiatry for this. Dysfunctional families don’t resolve their problems and neither does psychiatry. Instead, it’s everybody swallow a pill to make you FEEL different about your problems without ever having to look at them or waste a minute in introspection.

The Capistrano’s’ bunch have continued their daily gossip sessions. So have my new neighbours and they have passed along all the info they get , no matter the source, to keep bus drivers informed. One of them works at one of the Tim Horton’s. The grey bearded Pond’s camera shop guy is still amused and still gossiping.
(I want you to keep reminding yourselves over and over again as you read all this that what I am telling you here is ‘diagnosed’ as my ‘mental illness.” Scottish Rose and the Drone connect again on a bus and keep their opinions updated and going with others. The Drone by the way, enjoys telling stories about ‘patients’ to as many people as she can while she is ‘socializing all day’ including telling stories abut ‘patients’ to other patients, who I turn, mock and ridicule other patients defined as patient. The mocking patients appear to see no connection between their own behaviour and the complaints of the patients they are mocking who ‘believe’ they are being mocked: the crazy things. The Drone has also been bad mouthing me for many years as one of her topics of entertainment, and much of her misinformation is based on the opinions of Homewood staff. Many stories of my ‘incompetence’ have been invented to justify that. (Such as the new one elderly women are circulating again abut how I am so STUPID that I ironed one o f my clients clothes inside out and left them all; that way so the ‘poor’ woman had to turn them all around before she could put them on. (Aren’t I a moron? No WONDER no one wants to hire me!) This story by the way is a total fabrication and it is only one of many. Often the patients doing the mocking when being entertained by the Drone later complain to psychiatrists about others mocking and ridiculing them, which in turn is not believed by psychiatrists, who mock them for believing it.

This is why analogies like “Wonderland’ are used by those of us who are MORE aware of the absurdity of the judgments in this. It fits quite well don’t you think?

“Donna the tenant is now keeping everyone everywhere informed of all she hears and pumps people to get. I have seen her many times in groups with people like Homewood ’s Peggy’ and the head shaver and Jackie and the rest of this bunch.
I have been made aware of staff at three nursing homes who have passed along similar stories amongst themselves and there are connections to Homewood staff at all three. I have also been used as a scapegoat for the faulty work of long term care facility staff members (“covertly’ of course) many times that I am aware of. At one place, the evening staff member knew that a Comcare employee had been there in the morning and though she could see I did a good job, she just wanted to tell me about the horrible one that had been there in the am. Apparently ‘she’ had changed someone and then left a soiled bed pad under the resident and just put another one on top. The actual event was a little different. When the Comcare worker got there, the staff member on day shift had already cleaned up the resident just before she got there so there was nothing to do as far as that pert of the job assignment went. Know how I know that? I was the morning worker there too. AKA: the staff member’s scapegoat. It was the staff member who did that poor job; not the ‘outsider’ who is so disliked by the former Homewood employees who work there and eagerly share their opinion with everyone else. Of curse this is all done in ‘secret’ so don’t let me ‘find out’ about it.
The family members of a client have also been mocking and ridiculing me for years, “covertly’ of course as always) and have also treated the ongoing denigrating gossip on me as ‘entertainment.’ (Now remember, you must invalidate this immediately on auto response so that ‘no one can be blamed’ and stay on auto response at all times so no new information will penetrate your elaborate defense system) I am also assessed as a ‘pretty shabby looking dresser’ by a young man about twenty five or so as I pass him in the centre aisle of Old Quebec St. Mall. I am apparently deaf to him too.
The fortyish guy, the same one who had an amusing discussion with me as the topic with Maggie C. at my bank, has been seen now riding on my new bus route with ‘Donna, ’ the National Enquirer wannabe reporter who has made me her personal information topic apparently. He was discussing with her where ‘she’ lives. Donna seems to have two versions of me going in her own head. That’s because she understands me to be two different people. She has now taking to referring to me to others as ‘The Big Deal’ delivered with unmistakable contempt and derived from her ongoing assessment of me as arrived at by the addicted community’s ‘group consensus’ as in ‘So what’s the big deal about her anyway! ‘ Donna’ has also tried to help bus drivers find my apartment and is said to have told the largely addicted community that hangs around the square all day how to identify my apartment from the BACK. “Friendly’ isn’t she? She has been seen by me gossiping at the fare box with at least five of the bus drivers on her won route. ‘Mike’ the tenant from the same building as Donna has been seen doing the same thing. “She’ is said to live in one of the ‘senior apartments. Mike allegedly wondered if perhaps it might be the Graystone building. Mike here has been part of the bus driver gossip session for many years going way back to the ‘fun’ near the start.
Some of my new neighbours are ‘amused’ that I ‘think’; that Homewood staff members are ‘pretty mean.’ (Har, har, har)
Two blind women from the neighbourhood have also engaged in a new round of “So is that the Pat everyone is talking about?” (Oh my God; my paranoid delusions appear to be contagious! THEY ‘think’ people are talking about me too!)
They also wonder why I would be living there since I am so ‘rich’. Others, especially the addicts it would seem, no doubt after getting all their information from the Mano9r at Homewood for all these years, are quite angry abut what they perceive as the ‘special’ treatment I am getting. (12 years on a waiting list is pretty ‘special’ since they tell others that it is “three to five years.’ Maybe that is just if you “jump the queue though) many of the addicted community are not as ‘shy’ about expressing their opinion of me as you other ‘personable façade’ types. Neither are the city’s dysfunctional elderly and the city’s abusive teen set from about twelve to twenty. In fact, it is those three general groups along with Homewood staff members (or former staff members) who have been the most vocal. Many of them don’t even bother to pretend they aren’t gossiping. “Poor Margie” from the Manor (as she was described by a female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived) is one who comes to mind. This was the SAME bus driver who stopped her bus on Woolwich St. one night after I got off on the way home and then sat waiting to see where I went while talking about it with a staff member from Riverside Glen. It was the next day that three bus drivers were walking past my block on a break, then when they saw me seeing them, ran around the corner in an attempt to ‘hide’ (as usual) and I believe they got picked up by Sue on 7/22 and rode back to the square with her.
A couple of university students were sitting on the bus discussing what I had told Homewood all those years ago on my own answering machine, which I then repeated over and over in letters sent to them. One male jerk sitting right behind me and discussing it too added, “So, do you think you are having one of your psychic attacks right now?” while he and his idiot biddy did a little bonding though contempt which the dysfunctional so love to do. I resisted the strong urge to answer him saying, “Why yes. I am getting a flash vision right now of you and your buddy here growing up to become yet two more morons’ with university degrees.’ How’s that for ‘psychic.’ Perhaps the university could observe you for the next fifteen years and see how accurate I am on that one? Of course, if I HAD said this, he probably would not have know I was talking to him, and even if he did, he likely would not have been able to decipher the ‘code’ in which I am presumed to be speaking.
The martin’s mall food court table wiper is still at it. I assume the aboriginal looking 35ish guy is still relaying all the latest gossip he gets from the mall every day to the bus drivers who are out there on that route as I have seen him do before.
Here is a great ‘mall’ story you will all n just love:
A teen girl was fired from the A & W at the mall. Apparently she has told people she knows this “Pat’ who used to work there too. (Whether that has any basis in truth I don’t know of course. It may or may not be true that some “Pat’ worked there) In any case, this “pat’ apparently doesn’t work there any more according to this sullen teen. Know why? Because, according to this teen aged girl’s story to bus passengers, this Pat made the customers wait telling them she couldn’t serve them because she ‘was talking to God right now.” The bus passengers around her then went into a fascinating debate on how much ‘talking to God’ should be considered to be ‘normal’ in relation to the necessity of serving customers. This they decided was true even though all this “pat’ did was slice tomatoes and cucumbers apparently. It was the running OUT of tomato slices which got her fired. (I thought to myself, “Yessiree Bob,, as a bus passenger I know says over and over again, ‘I’m fired!’ and I am living in one big insane asylum, Yessiree Bob!)

Did you know that to some of the locals I am a transvestite male? (I believe this is a blend of me and the late Didi) Did also sent time being the topic in housing among the same group of gossips. Why just a week or so ago, one of the regulars from the library Internet system pointed me out to his two children saying, “See that lady? Well that lady is really a man.”
A bus driver whom I have witnessed gossiping with the library staff sees me on the street and is amused and laughing again. I was trying to connect to Mrs. Gatling again, concretely, so she would stop the hollering on the streets she goes into all too often now. I am sure this too likely go an ‘interpretation’ by the bus drivers that invalidated both of us while providing some entertainment value for them. They are easily entertained. When I see him on his bus or when he sees me closer to him on the streets, he pretends he does not know me. Most of them do. It is a ‘split consciousness’ kind of game for the normals. THEY determine the extent of the other’s conscious awareness, dictate that to us and then react to their own pre-determined beliefs. We don’t really even need to be there since we have about as much presence to them as inanimate objects. I like to call this game; ‘Now you see me and now you don’t.’ if I look puzzled by this behaviour of the other, they ‘interpret’ that too as my ‘confusion’ (which it used to be) or else my stupidity. (Which is never was)
These are also some of the same people who can not decipher why I sometimes speak to them and sometimes don’t. After all THEY know when their behaviour is visible to me and when it isn’t. So they treat me and react to me, in accordance with their beliefs about who I am.

An ongoing analysis of the situation by the Vin Joy shoe guy with those others he has kept informed still exists. They like to put names on it and evaluate it all; no input from me necessary of course. But then, they can’t really ask me since they are hiding this from me and also because it is really none of their damned business in the first place, which they already know. Since they know that, they have to pretend they don’t know anything at in order to keep up the appearance of good boundaries even though they don’t have any boundaries at all. (See I am starting to think like ‘normal’ people. My façade is not as practiced yet but I am working on it.

Many of the participants have been quite upset because I took a couple of photos in the town square for my personal memory book. The usual snarling and hissing followed along with a few ‘corrective; comments form all my superiors and a few threats of boundary violating behaviour. (One was going to take that camera right off of me!)

Anal Annie has had herself a few laughs sharing her opinions of me and what has happened to me with a group of others, many of them strangers to her. She told some of them how I lost my job over it (ha,..ha… ha…) If I am not willing to pretend I can’t see her insulting me four feet away and then chat with her about basically nothing on the bus later, she gets quite put out and then tells others how rude I am to her. She shakes her head with contempt and then tells anyone who will listen how she doesn’t like me at all. I just hope that will motivate her to stop talking but I think I am expecting too much from this one.
Annie also likes to point out the ‘crazies’ to the other bus passengers. Annie is herself one of the ‘crazies’ and another Manor graduate, but appears to consider herself to be one of the ‘superior’ ones in the madness hierarchy.

A resident of the Matrix, who uses the word processor at the library likes to bond with staff by making remarks about others who do the same as he. Latest comment on me, when I had beaten him to the WP: “I didn’t know that the library was supporting extortion.” (smirk) He too discusses the ‘crazies’ with other people, giving his in depth analysis of their personality problems. He excludes himself of course.
Another discussion has taken place apparently with the Powers that Be (Homewood and Police) and they are ‘trying to get documentation of how dangerous I and/or Mrs. Gatling is depending upon who various groups of gossips believe “they” are talking about and which of us is now under public observation. Library staff, (it is said) ‘have been asked questions.” The public at large also keeps repeating, “Well, I guess we are going to find out for sure who she is soon…”
I am now being faulted for refusing the generous offer of a ‘disability pension’ as I had no choice of course. I had to tell the truth or be faulted for that too.
(“Do you think you are not being given work because your employer believes that you are ill?”) I am also being faulted for trying to hang on to what is left of my job yet I am ‘not working enough.’ Both of these positions are seen as my flaws of course and not the result of group behaviour. They all deny the attempt to cover up their participation, and their behaviour, and deny responsibility for IT. (I have a bit of documentation on my employer’s choices too and a number of rumours about it as well.
Back in 94/95 I was told by the Comcare offce here “Sorry, there is nothing we can do to help you.” I also once heard that Brian Furlong was once at the office instructing them on how to handle me while avoiding all direct communication at the same time. They sure could talk to everyone else about it though. Other employees were even alleged to have been calling the office to see if the office staff had ‘heard anything unusual about Pat Lefave.’

OH yes, tenant ‘Donna’ has managed to make a gossiping connection to Susan at the Library, so she’ll have lots to take back out to the streets for her daily routine. Donna doesn’t think I am very ‘friendly’ either. Of course, she has no idea why that would be. The disdainful court offices woman who used to talk to Nancy (also court offices) on the #1 bus route, and who has been seen in the past with the guy I call ‘Intrepid”, stops to have a few words with the downtown cop (Maurice I believe is his name)
A Homewood staff member continues to discuss me with many of the ‘graduates’ of the Manor, while on her daily rounds downtown. She is married to a city employee I believe. I used to see him smirking at Homewood too and assumed he worked on the Manor. Apparently not. These ‘graduates’ then pass along everything they here from staff and also form other graduates, many of whom are in the twelve step programs. (Like Ian C. for example) Many of the people acting this all out for me, then and now, are part of this group. ‘Coincidentally’ so was Harry C., Sean M., and Reid Finlayson.
(A. lot of the rumours heard make more sense to me and seem more likely to be true than some others, now that I have identified many of these people who used to be ‘strangers to me.’ )
Someone has suggested the cause: “this just shows you that you better be careful about who falls in love with you because if it is the ‘wrong’ person, you can get attacked for it.’
Tenants form the buildings around me continue to pass along all the rumours they hear, most of them fabricated themselves, to bus drivers and other tenants. (this of course is being kept ‘secret’ from me)
Dr. Brian O. points me out to a young woman as I pass the Bookshelf, just as he is on his way in. (he goes there a lot) “That’s her,’ he says and she looks at me closely. (I wonder, is this one of the times he ‘thinks’ I can see him and hear him or one of the times when he ‘thinks; he is concealed? I never know)
Other tenants bad mouth me on the bus and some of the say they don’t really care if I hear them or not. One of them has suggested I am a thief. This ‘thief’ bit is the third time I have heard this going around. Once before it was suggested by one of my dysfunctional clients (who did it often to others as well) it was also suggested by a client I had afterward who had a hidden agenda (which I could actually explain to you but won’t) and who told me with an air of suspicion’ that she ‘used to live on Liverpool St .” (So I assume she got the innocent and mystified landlord and daughter version of me as ‘allegedly’ was passed along by Dale)
One of the addicts from the Manor (and there were several while this was going on ) who moved into my address on Woolwich St. (all really nice guys’ according to my landlord) passed along information from the manor to his buddy who moved in next door and whose then wife (?) or girlfriend, then passed whatever version of ‘reality’ that was, along to Ann who worked at Upsdell’s in the evening. This guy from next door was just seen gossiping with Ed P. Of Fresh Start, in the town square. This same guy has pointed me out in Old Quebec St. to some of his buddies, one of whom looks a lot like him and is likely his brother.
A psychiatrized woman, also a Manor graduate, likes to shout out at me on the bus. (She does not really know me at all) When I don’t respond to her boundary violating noise as she wants, she mouths off to other passengers about how she is going to get back at me. “I don’t like her at all’ she proclaims to anyone who will listen whether she knows them or not either. She considers her won behaviour own be ‘friendly.’
I have sent my blog addresses to a number of people involved in one way or another and have received no direct communication form any of them , which is par for the curse. I did hear that one of them ‘took that right to the doctor’ while diagnosing my direct attempt at genuine two way communication as ‘obsessing.’
Elizabeth Schramm, Homewood social worker involved in the core group on Hamilton 3, all the way back to 95 at least, passed through the Library at noon one day and saw me at the word processor there. When Mary Ellen came back form her lunch break, she asked another employee how long I had been there. And then told the staff member, “She said that was her sitting there at noon.’ Mary Ellen also knows the woman who worked (or still works) in Transitional Care at Homewood . Some of you may remember me telling you years ago that one of the people talking abut me on the streets of town was Brian S., VLA. I also later saw him pick up this same woman from work at transitional care.
(Are you getting any of the connections to the ‘strangers talking about’ me yet? Or is that still one of my ‘signs’ so it won’t be one of your ‘signs’?)
Danny, one of my former client’s nasty daughters, the Big Hawaiian, Donna the gossiping tenant, and Steve, have all connected to gossip together or at various times in the town square and pass all the crap along to bus drivers again. Wonder if Jimmy H. is still passing it all along to the older partner of the law firm of MacElderry and Morris as he was before?

'''They' are documenting everything so they can determine how dangerous she is.'' Donna, the gossiping housing tenant is standing at the fare box of the bus again one day to identify me (her version of me) for the bus driver as I step on the bus. ‘That’s her’, she tells him from two feet away using my new community name. She is also telling some of the towns’ addicted folks, Out of the same group of people who were uttering death threats at me while I was inside Homewood that she thinks that ‘she is a woman who lives in the building next to me.’
The story of a picture which was supplied by my younger sister made the rounds again.
The mall table wipers say that someone was told that I was up in a tree outside and that ‘he’ went to look to see if I was still there.’ (har har har)
Mrs. Gatling has concluded that some of the remarks being made AT her, are not about her, as her sister was never here so they can’t mean that She did this as self talk in the library. No doubt it was judged to be meaningless by those who cannot see any meaning in it from their own point of view.


OK. Well from now on only the brief themes of the month will appear on this blog. Now we are going to my point of view and what I think and feel about all of you which will go on Patricia’s Razor. It will not be an attempt to give you evidence you don’t want. It will be my choice to just go ahead and tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.



Story Teller’s ‘Enlightenment.’
Keep telling yourselves as you do this day after day, year after year, fabricating more stories and passing them along to everyone you know that your vicious gossip followed by your denial of it all, and my ‘paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations’ are EXACTLY THE SAME EVENT.
This will take some complex math skills to do.
You must understand that one and one equals two.