The Continuing Guelphite Assessment of Me

As Defined by the Ongoing Group Consensus

So another name has been added to the ever growing list of public assessors. This one does much ‘socializing’ in all the housing projects too. She is reconnecting the former gossips going years back too. Today (October 10th) I saw her in the square talking to ‘Jackie’ the head shaver’s sister and also ‘Terry’ one of the members of the groups from the Manor also seen in the past with the man I call ‘Intrepid.”
On the street it is said, “She’s the real deal. It’s all true.’’ Recently, I have also heard again that a ‘he’ was ‘a little bit concerned as she has not seen her family for a long time.’ I wonder to myself which ‘he’ that is and what it is that ‘concerns him’ so about my life and experience of it but which does NOT concern him enough to bother talking directly to me instead of talking it over with everyone else he can find. Who knows? I have heard a number of ‘hes’ continue to do the same thing and of course, every time they do, all the usual gossips young and old, former and present, do another round on the analysis of me, in absentia as always. I wonder why it never occurs to them that this behaviour of theirs is the problem and not my ‘perception’ of it, which they deny. It is the denial itself, which is causing me, and HAS caused me all the problems. Do any of them, I wonder, actually KNOW what a personal boundary is? I don’t think they do.
I saw the one who performed her ‘crazy’ act for me on the train to Toronto way back in 95, out in front of Wally’s tavern today, smoking. (You remember this don’t you? This was what I first got offered a ‘little something to reduce my awareness for) That could not have happened either according to two psychiatrists back then as it would not be ‘reasonable’ for anyone o behave that way.) She was with the one I call Beer Belly Blondie. He takes his blue bike there with him sometimes. Those with her then (students) were the ones who took my picture on the train to Toronto that time. (This was also invalidated by the system.) Heard over the Guelph transit radio on Sept. 7th, 2007, “Oh this all took place many years ago.” If you are still gossiping about it now, then it is not yet ‘in the past’ is it? As Dale’s training points out to us, there is only the now.” Time is not really ‘linear.’ (That’s one of his ‘game’ concepts.)
October, 10th, 2007. Scottish Rose is still sharing her opinions of my character as she rides the local bus system (she has a police connection somehow; as well as that of many other people) as is her usual habit. I believe we call this ‘levelling’ do we not? There is apparently another round of ‘correcting’ HIM, going on right now. I am reportedly ‘like two different people’ and this is demonstrated by a couple of fabricated stories to ‘prove’ it. I have heard this same thing from my relatives, (indirectly of course). It is done to talk others out of taking my side on things as by group consensus I have been made the ‘bad’ one, even though this is done all day by people who also claim they ‘don’t like to judge’ There are also ‘covert’ stories used to demonstrate their point though I am not ‘allowed’ to know about those ‘stories or to be there to confront the tellers of them as THAT would be ‘inappropriate behaviour’ on MY part. See how well that works to support the story tellers who have no such rules applied to them?” It usually comes after the time I have pushed to resolve an issue and then, in frustration stopped talking when nothing penetrates and it is defined as my ‘seeking attention’ and then ‘withdrawing’ which is ironically true (like in Dale’s game) but is presented as thought it were something strictly contained within me and without having a thing to do with external reality or relationship! A couple of the elderly women from the tow buildings near me now are scowling again at the bus stop again. They have heard some ‘stories’ now you see and they are assessing my personality for me too. Again, they don’t think I am ‘friendly enough.’ They also don’t think I am aware of their judgements and assessments, even though they are acting them out for me from six feet away. This truth is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to bend my mind around in this. It still seems impossible that this many people could be this stupid and lacking in awareness for this long without being ‘joking’ about it. But they aren’t joking. They seriously believe that when they talk about me over and over again, repeating all the same old stories and adding new ones, from a few feet away, I cannot see them or hear them because I am such a dull witted human being that I understand nothing. They know that mostly from Homewood staff too. They have come up with a lot of stories to justify their attack on me. I am sure Dale knew they would too since that is demonstrated in his ‘training’ program. (The ‘game’)

They spent a lot of time at the Volunteer Centre forming a covert (a key word in this whole group action believe me) consensus opinion on how to get rid of me there. After much discussion amongst themselves in ‘secret’ Cathy T. finally told me they were not going to be used anymore by anyone other than those using them looking for volunteer work. I said, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ The last thing anyone there had told me about using the computers there, in a straightforward manner was this: You can use the computer as much as you want Pat. You don’t have to stick to the hour unless there is someone else who wants to use it when you are here, then you will have to quit.’ I agreed and stuck to it. This offer was mad by Carol Ann D. and repeated to me by Chris.

Donna, The Party girl’s gossip connections are great; if there is anything you’d like to know, any crap at all, and accuracy is not important to you, she’s the one to go to. She is connected to all sides of the gossip mongering people; my neighbours, bus drivers, Jackie, head shaver, Terry, Peggy from Homewood and the Capistrano’s daily gossips. Bet if I went looking I would find her in Wally’s at times too. If you can’t find her, look for one of her buddies with white hair and dressed in pink a lot, also in the town square expressing her opinions and I believe she is a resident of another housing unit herself. Just listen in the town square or in the Old Quebec St. centre, at the library etc. and you are bound to pick up some of the juicy (Hallucinations) that I have been diagnosed with. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You will find Donna most days standing at the bus fare box, offering and receiving all of the latest. She reminds me of the one who was always standing at the fare box in 94/95 also with bus driver ‘Chris.’ Some things never change do they? I am still having the same delusions about bus drivers that got me my label way back then. Donna has also managed to connect with Susan at the library, (who we know finds me just lacking in self respect as I ‘throw’ myself at men) as well as many of the current drinkers and users and the graduates of the Manor from Homewood . I find that many of them are still quite ‘grandiose’ in their judgements too. Many of them are not at all shy about expressing their opinion of me too; all based on all of their own stories of course. They don’t actually know me. I have even seen Donna sitting in the square talking to the daughter of a former client of inner. I call her the ‘aging hooker.’ (Not her real identity) Mrs., Hooker has also been bad mouthing me for years along with many others but it is a secret being kept from me so don’t tell cause she has also tried to offer me her saccharine smile after that and personable sounding greetings. I believe you can also get an updated opinion of me from the Vin Joy shoe guy who continues to express his opinion to others and in turn they pass that along, though the shoe guy now sometimes adds, “Of course, it is none of my business really. “ I have not seen the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ with him for a long time but, I have seen “Intrepid’ not long ago with a psychiatrized guy of about 50 who I have also seen many times at the library computers and with whom I have had a short conversation or two. In the distant past, I have seen this “Intrepid’ guy in the halls of Homewood while I was still working there and while the ‘game’ was going on, and once, years ago, I saw him walking up the street talking to Dr. Burslem, now retired from Homewood. Dr. Burslem was also one of my client’s doctors there. Sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in this aren’t there?
Another habitué of Wally’s is ‘Wendy’ a middle aged looking woman with curly brown hair who had been heard discussing some of the goings on around all this with the late Jay Newman. These people ALL used to be ‘strangers to me’ that I ‘thought’ were talking about me.
The phrase, “they almost pulled it off’ is heard by me over and over again lately. I wonder who ‘they’ is supposed to be to those saying it. A large number of the residents of the buildings around me now are gossiping constantly and trading stupid stories. Many of them are displaying anger and contempt as they project their judgements at me from six feet away.
One of the female bus drivers who have been gossiping for years and bad mouthing me often looks way form me know and blushes when she sees me. It is one thing to know what they do and quite another to be able to prove it. If I didn’t have Dale’s quote from the game in writing I would have no chance of proving this as it has become more and more complex and with more ‘stories’ added every year designed to protect the GROUP from blame. I have even heard some of them talking about how I looked right at one of them after one of them left me standing at a bus stop on purpose. He was afraid it was going to be a problem for him but was told, “Don’t worry if there is any problem, we’ll take care of it.” I wondered when they announced that ‘solution’ what they MEANT by that exactly. I have told one woman at me new address what they ‘game’ is called and exactly what the results of that have been to me. She has passed something I told her on to one of the older scowling women there at the bus stop who, in turn, gossiped with another one at the bus stop and also collected some information form the one who works at A&W at the mall. ALL of these people consider their story telling to be ‘hidden’ from me. This includes all the new fabrications coming form an assortment of mall crawlers, including the table wiper in the food court who continues to ‘hide’ her gossiping abut me, behind three raised fingers to cover her mouth. Oh, you’ll love this one too: Apparently, they told ‘him’ that I had been outside and in a tree and he beloved them so he went out to look and see if I was still there. Isn’t that just the most ‘hilarious’ thing you have ever heard? And we are both sooooo stupid that we believe these morons too. At least, that is what the morons like to believe. Of course the Martin’s woman would be amazed that I Knew this (since she is hiding in plain sight) but also it does not occur to her that the people she is gossiping with constantly aren’t as she or careful about acting out what she has to say and where they got the information. Tee hee. They have a great long standing group delusion going and they don’t want to lose the entertainment value they get from adding to it all the time. All of them pass along everything they hear to everyone they know and of those, the local loudmouths act it all out for me. Fifteen years it has been going so far and for fifteen years it has been denied. As one of the residents of my new building said as I approached the bus stop, “It just goes to show you. You never really know do you?”

More to come on this post...stay tuned for all the latest forever.