Some of my street observers comment between themselves, “Why couldn’t we see that?” In fact, ‘her’ as I am discussed by many of the people in town here, and me as the person who often sits there listening to them, are not the same person to many of them so this has added greatly to an already confusing situation. I am NEVER talked to directly by anyone but I am talked AT or about, by thousands. When I have said this in the past, to those in Homewood, I have often then been hissed at in the streets or on buses by those who repeat back what they’ve heard and who them sometimes have suggested violence towards me as a result or even the ‘killing of my boyfriend’ whomever that is, or perhaps is believed to BE, by the speaker, if anyone.
There are multiple versions of my ‘reality’ still going on virtually anything relating to me such as:
1.I work for Comcare.
2. I don’t work for Comcare anymore.
3. There IS no Comcare anymore (since the office closed for the support workers here)
4. I wear a Comcare uniform because I ‘weird’ or ‘the whack job’ (a favourite of the addicted community and some of their old buddies who have not yet been through the addictions program at Homewood )
Others include:
I ‘think’ the person they are talking about is me.” (Isn’t she stupid?)
I ‘pretend’ it’s me; for the ‘attention.’ (you know how all us ‘nuts’ are supposedly just saying things happen to us, when REALLY, they don’t, because we all love that attention/fame thing.)
It IS her.
Really I don’t write essays. I am just answering e-mails.
I said I was going to write a book. Heard at the Library; along with derisive laughter) “Probably, the only place she has written a book is in her own head…(snort snort)
(Yes that’ true. I write my essays there first too)
Group assessment of the situation from the Volunteer Centre: “she COULD have gone and talked to ‘him’ about it.’ ‘ Oh no, that would be too logical.’
(I wonder who ‘him’ was in that case. Is ‘him’ one of the many ‘hims’ I already told? Keep reminding yourselves I am ten feet away when they are doing this loudly, with open doors.)
Now Walker Hanes would be an interesting person to gossip with abut this as he has a version of reality going too in which “‘they’ made him think she was in love with him and then made her think he was in love with her!” (woo woo!) “Don’t you think that is just Sooooo funny? He asked Donna L. her response, ‘Well, yes…etc…
These are the ones that really stun me. The adult supposedly sane human beings who think that psychological abuse etc. is just a real riot! (unless of course, it was them. Bet it wouldn’t be quite so ‘hilarious’ if their own lives were destroyed as a joke; especially if they got told by the same people they were insane if they ‘thought’ they had the experience and lost their jobs, minds, bank accounts, reputations and all their relationships because of the cover up…Yuk yuk yuk….Young Walker is apparently the son of a local doctor (His mother I believe) so he would have an inside track on the ‘fun’ I’m sure. If you can’t find him or Donna, you could just ask the others at the Volunteer Centre as she passed it all along to them too. ( Har har)
BY the way, if any of you don’t like your opinions being expressed on line, just take your own assessment back on that; you know, the one so many of you have handed to me, “Come on (lady, fella) where’s your sense of humour? Can’t you take a joke? Why aren’t you smiling more? You’re not being very ‘friendly are you?” (Isn’t this just a hoot? Mary Morton apparently thinks so at the same time her husband Russ thinks I am a ‘very sad case,’ so he has allegedly shared with the folks hanging out at the mall.) Gee, I wonder if I, as the sad case and or butt of the ‘joke’ should be crying or laughing with glee. Better not do either as I may get to be the ‘bi-polar’ disorder next since it won’t be related to anything real in actual life. I know I will just adopt a tiny little Mona Lisa smile and glue it to my face at all times hoping to pleas all my assessors; or maybe that will be too ‘suspicious.’ Maybe neutral…oh no, that would get ‘interpreted’ as ‘flat affect.’ Yet another ‘sign.’ It is quite the dilemma when you are perceived as ‘mad’ let me tell you. It is the reason so many long term ‘patents’ end up acting like automatons, which then gets defined as a sing of disease process too.
In August, The city bus drivers announce, “They almost pulled it off.” Quickly, the female driver of the bus I am on reaches to turn down her radio. This is a move I have watched for many years. At one point, they had all the radios turned up very loud at all times, (so the passengers could stay involved too) and believed that somehow, magically apparently I would not know what they were talking about then either. Why in 95, or 96 (can’t remember right now exactly but DID make note of it) the reason a large group of employees from Homewood, from maintenance and the switchboard, came down to the square was, according to the city bus drivers announcement, to ‘watch me change buses.’ (Easily entertained weren’t they?) Then, as announced by Norm M. now retired who was driving the bus I was on at the time, I didn’t change buses that time!) har har har…On the street it is announced that I am a favourite topic of conversation at my usual grocery store (I already knew that) it is also stated; ‘this can be done to anyone and there isn’t a thing the person can do about it’. (Yes, I know that too)
On Monday, August 27, I saw the guy I call ‘Intrepid’ at the Mall. I am not usually there on a week day. He was wearing a gray uniform of some kind and talking to a man that I now to be a psychiatrized person. This second man has had a few brief conversations with me at the Library computer terminals. I think he has developed pseudo Parkinson’s’ of the drug induced variety.
Peggy, Homewood employee is seen again sitting in front of Capistrano’s’ and all around her are both some of the long term gossips and some of the new gossips being added to the community assessment mix, some of who live where I live now or next door. They include “Jackie’ the head shaver’s apparent relative and the Big Hawaiian (according to his clothes) as I have given him the name for identity purposes as well as party girl Donna who is connecting in a gossiping frenzy to all sorts of people, including another series of bus drivers, as well as some of the old ones involved like ‘Chris’ the woman driver who used to warn others all the way back to 95 (as they stood gossiping at her fare box just like Donna here) to ‘be careful and not let me ‘spot’ them. This folks are all considered to be ‘friendly’ like non gossip mongering me. Of course, you may think I am getting a lot more ‘friendly’ now right? Donna is keeping the addicted community informed again as well as all my new neighbours who are very good at being ‘friendly’. I wonder how long it will be before I start getting the ‘uttered’ death threats again. In any case, if you want all the latest assessment s of me this Donna is clearly the new go to girl. She never stops. Why she has even connected to one of the Library staff who offered her a little advice about relating to me.
Now Donna the party gal from 387 is a gossiping whirling with connections to many people including connections to:
The Big Hawaiian living in the same building as her or nearby (not sure) Peggy from Homewood, Jackie the head shavers’ relative, the other gossiping tenants and at least four or five bus drivers who are still involving themselves in all the stories and many of these drivers are new and were not around while I was breaking down under pressure in 95. Donna gossips with them standing at the fare box on my new route while I am on the bus just like the good old days when it was ‘fat broad with the permanent who was standing at the bus fare boxes all the time observing the specimen here. Donna has now even connected, with Susan (“doesn’t she have any self respect!”) at the Library. It’s like “ Mad City : The Next Generation”, now. Also she is connected to the one I call the aging hooker who has been bad mouthing me for yeas as she could not get her own way from Homecare before. This too is her ‘secret’ or so she thinks. The population of Guelph is in fact, loaded with ‘secrets’ being kept so non one else can get blamed or suffer negative effects. Instead, I can be diagnosed insane and that’s OK with everybody isn’t it?
Keep telling yourselves that, while you do this, and roll your eyes with disdain, asking each other ‘what’s the big deal’ while reminding yourselves that all you are doing and rolling your eyes about, is considered to be ‘my imagination,’ and it is what I got psychiatrized for as the system proclaimed it all to be ‘non existent.’ Now think about how on of my discussions with dale was on existentialism (just briefly and vaguely of course) and how this is part of the ‘game’ he is playing which was also denied as happening. Try really hard all you gossips to GET this; Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour are one and the same. Your behaviour and my perception of your behaviour though have been split apart and seen as opposing view points, existing for YOU and NOT existing for ME.
Your behaviour and MY perception of your behaviour are one and the same but that is DENIED. Having trouble wrapping your mind around that? So did I” but when I have trouble doing it, it is framed as a ‘disease’ process in me. That being the case, why is not the same in you? Ask yourself that.
Now let’s get back to all of MY ‘delusions’ and YOUR gossip. This continues all these years because of the split in reality that was created by ‘you know who’ right from the start followed by the total denial of the group behaviour that resulted form that; Both I and the rest of you are ‘at effect’ as Dale puts it in the training jargon.
MY ‘hallucinated conversations’ and YOUR gossiping: “and” not “or”
A guy on the bus sits shaking his head in disbelief as students sit and discuss me on the bus. I wonder if he thinks HE is ‘hallucinating conversations’ too? He knows who I am by name as I have been pointed out to him in the town square and he, in turn, has pointed me out to another at the Dominion building where another assessment has taken place, including the Workfare boys. The same one I used to listen passing along the gossip in 99, after I was forced out of my job the second time. I did not know who they three of them making comments were back then but I do now. Someone should tell the fuzzy faced one I still have not ‘given it up lady,’ as he announced that I should as the three of them walked by me years ago. I am sure they still believe that THEY are a mystery to me. They also used to sit in the Eaton Centre Food court and discuss all the latest rumours along with the boys from the Celery and Morris law firm. to me rather than the other way a round. I wonder what Fuzzy meant by that back then.’ Give it up’ in which way”? Stop trying to get help? Start giving more information to people about it? It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it and as they say in Dales’ ‘game’ “It’s about communication.”
Walker H. teen volunteer and son of a doctor (his mother I hear) who worked at the Volunteer centre told Donna L. there that ‘they made her think he was in love with her and they made him think she was in love with him Don’t you think that is just Soooo funny? Donna’s answer: “well yes….but”
(I found her response interesting. I would love to have Donna explain her ‘yes’ answer to me) Gail V. was at the Library conferring with staff there one day on my use of the computers. I was so happy to be assessed some more by Library staff and others as I can never get enough of that. ) A group consensus opinion was formed there apparently with no personal input necessary form me of course. That is because I was not being made ‘aware’ of the conference, at least not as far as the awareness of those doing the conferring was concerned. I am still pretty much the ‘object of observation here; or ‘item’ as Dales’ jargon puts it.
A lot of information (dis or otherwise) can be yours if you can just manage to connect with the addicted community I some way. They have been involved as major judges and assessors going way back to the time of threats and wishes I would ‘burn in hell’ right inside Homewood . I have also been discussed by those now in twelve step groups and program at the Manor and even amongst those who are still drinking and usi9ing who are all their buddies. The patients from the Manor section at Homewood used to discuss what was going on (as they understood it) between me and Dale when they were doing their 28 days there. The system I have talked to abut this knows all this already and suppress it or deny it outright. These too you see are part of my ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.” As you open your mouths every day to pass along all the latest, keep reminding yourselves of that. What you do and my awareness of it has been denied and reframed as MY ‘mental illness’ for which I was offered a little something to ‘reduce’ my ‘awareness’ which they believed was not REAL of course but just ‘delusional.’ Why don’t you get together for another groupthink session and see if you can decipher why I might be angry and frustrated with all of you. Then when you come up with q consensus opinion, act it out for me in the town square so I can repeat it back to you and you can be amazed about it and wonder if I am ‘psychic’ for that? After all, I can‘t possibly understand what smart superior people like you are doing can I?
Steve from my building has also been seen having intense conversations about it with Danny, again a Manor connection as was Harry McC and Sean Mark and Dr. Reid Finlayson. There was also a series of them who moved into the apartment overhead where I used to live so they could have some laughs. My landlord thought they were all ‘real nice guys’ too. One of those real nice guys was in Homewood as part of his plea bargain. He went to jail after that for beating up a series of women. One of them No doubt all coincidences right? Many people gossiping about it in the town square every day have also been in the Manor and psychiatrized. Yet even they cannot put together their own gossiping mocking ridiculing and laughing with my repot of that. Instead, they too accept that I am a ‘whack job' for seeing it and not just a person with the ability to see the perfectly obvious. After all, they too are ‘fooling’ me by acting it all out in plain sight.
Stay tuned more to come on a new post
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