…As well as the Latest Rounds of Assessments from the Old-timers Using me as the ‘Subject’
July to September 2007.
Professor Phidd is keeping up with all the latest stories passed and received at the mall, usually on Sundays. (I believe he lives nearby) Marilyn at A & W has passed along some of the rumours she got there to my new neighbours, many of whom have joined in the acting out of their contempt for me from four feet away. The theory being promoted is that I would not be treated badly f I did not just deserve it. In other words, in this group consensus, I am judged to be the cause of my own abuse. If you want that is Dale’s game jargon, I am seen as ‘at cause’ rather than ‘at effect’ as a result of his ‘switch’ planned from the start. Like all the others who consider themselves to be my ‘superior’ the ones who do this, have themselves thoroughly convinced they are not seen, nor understood by me as a lesser human. This is of course, all old news and community attitudes to me.
Many tenants now in the nearby buildings are altering, reinventing, or repeating stories, new and old, of my ‘reality’ and passing them along as fast as they can to the gossiping Guelphites.
Reminder:
Please keep in mind as you do this , either in the passing or receiving of vicious gossip, that YOUR behaviour has been declared by Homewood and CMHC to be my ‘imagination’ and ‘hallucinated conversations’ for which I received my ‘mental illness’ label. It took 11 minutes to come to that conclusion. It has taken me fifteen years (or so) so far, to try to undo the continuously growing damage as a result of the failure of those involved to hear or see what is right in front of them. I am still being ‘corrected’ by others who now call me ‘obsessing’ for failing to give up and accept my pre-ordained fate. Please remind yourselves of my diagnosis and how I got it, each and every time you open your mouths to express your never ending ‘covert’ opinions and assessments of me and my life experience.
Your gossip is reframed as my delusions.
Say it to yourself every time you open your mouths to gossip again.
Then, to take care of your own guilt (those of you who can still manage to feel guilt that is) be sure to minimize the effects this has had on my life here, preferably by continuing to blame me and my perception/reactions of you as a mob of assessors, who are acting this out for me every day and then denying it.
Every time you open your mouths, remind yourselves that your actions have been ‘magically’ reframed as MY problems and not yours.
Now, let’s get back to the ‘hallucinated conversations’ and ‘paranoid delusions’ for which I have been officially diagnosed and claim to suffer.
You can get some opinions and beliefs about me and how much money I spend from several sources who like to watch that and also comment on my bank accounts, my job and my investments. The judges of my spending habits now though are pretty much everywhere and opinions are expressed by a large variety of people who sometimes even do give estimates of anything they think I may have in my shopping bags. They then assess if my spending is in line with their expectations and judgements, which are made according to whichever rumours they have accepted into their own minds as my reality. You might start by asking the employees of the food store at the Royal City Plaza . Many of them have expressed their opinions on that from a few feet away while I was in their presence. Some of them believe that I ‘work at the Library’ and others believe that I am rich. (This, ‘she’s rich’ story is making the rounds again. This is at least the third time on this one over the years, or should I say, the third time period in which I have ‘hallucinated’ that?)
One of the men (and there are quite a number of them) who has been ‘watching’ me for years has been seen by me ‘watching’ me on Speedvale Avenue . He went to the house located right in between the two churches there. (Near C-JOY) Now, previous rumour has it that someone there is involved in this ‘game.’ Could this be where this particular man lives? I have also seen a Lodder Brothers truck there a lot and ‘coincidentally’ is someone from Lodder Brothers who has ‘allegedly’ passed along some rumours to Tina M. who lives where I used to live on Woolwich St. This same man has gossiped with a woman on the Woodlawn bus route also who, in turn, has been seen gossiping with Cynthia H. Volunteer Coordinator at Community Health, who in turn did a lot of gossiping downstairs there, including to the gray haired man, (Psychologist?) who has gossiped about it (‘there she is’) with his friend with the truck in the back parking lot of the Royal bank etc… get the idea of how this is passed so smoothly between all those ‘socializing’ like ‘normal’ people?
Now remember, YOUR behaviour as a group (or mob) is considered to be MY ‘mental illness”. So, all of you can use that to get off the responsibility hook, which then allows Dale T. who planned it (‘first he wins, THEN he plays the game’) to get the ‘satisfaction’ he was ‘guaranteed’ to get and ‘in the game of life’ by ending up ‘on top of the experience,’ which he has ‘recreated out here in the world of reality’ according to his following the concepts within it as an instruction of power over others. That does not mean that is what his leader intended of course, since it can also be heard (like from the victim point of view for example) as a revelation of how it was done to him or her and it can then be heard as an accusation against the aggressor;
E.g.: “What you do with problems is hand them to someone else.”
Is that an accusation or an instruction? It depends upon your point of view doesn’t it? As is said by the leaders, “Reality is all a matter of perspective.”
Now this Speedvale Avenue guy, usually wearing the shorts and the Hawaiian type shirt when he hangs around the square, is a slight to medium build, narrow shoulders, light brown straight old fashioned type hair (Brylcreamed) who appears to be around 60 to 65 years old. This one is not to be confused with the larger and heavier set dark haired one in Hawaiian shirts, who lives in either the same building as I, or the one next to me, (one of the gossiping Donna’s pals) getting his daily gossip fix from those hanging around the square all day and denigrating me by comparing me to themselves, who are always the better people.
(Not that they DO that of course if I ‘think’ they do, well then obviously I am just nuts!)
Now speaking of Donna, you’ve really got to seek out and connect with this gal who since the end of July until now, Seems to spend her whole day gossiping, especially with bus drivers, (whom I am to accept are NOT doing this as Homewood and CMHC invalidated my perception of that and told me it was a ‘sign’ of my ‘fame seeking’ behaviours) I could have her name wrong but I do believe I have heard her called that. She lives in the building next to me where the population is allegedly fighting all the time, even though they are all considered to be WAY more ‘friendly’ than I. Perhaps this form of ‘friendliness’ may be the REASON they are fighting all the time? Donna is another one of these gals who like to stand by the fare box all trip getting and receiving all the latest poop from bus drivers (who don’t do that. There, now I am well trained to simply and automatically invalidate myself. I am sure I will soon be ‘cured’ as soon as I finish internalizing psychiatry’s agenda.)Find her and ask her what she asked bus drivers abut the ‘messages on the T-shirts’? Also do find Danny, gray hair and beard, who has discussed me and my fascinating case with Gordon H. as well as Steve and Kurt in my own building. But act really cagey as they are all pretending to the usual mystification bit when in my presence and we don’t want to blow their covers now do we? There are a growing number of others in both buildings now too so don’t overlook pumping as many as possible, including in other Housing buildings who are keeping all the latest passed along to those bus drivers who aren’t talking at all officer/doctor. No sir and I don’t know why I would ever ‘think’ they were, except of course, that I am crazy. Now Kurt should be able to give you all the gossip he has going in both directions: what he is taking back to the building form the downtown streets as well as what he is taking from all the opinions being expressed inside the buildings (covertly of course) back out to the streets.
You might also ask any of the employees of the Volunteer centre what all of their versions of my reality are; they have had a number of them over a period of time. Part of their opinions are based on the opinions being expressed ‘covertly’ by those working at the community health clinic where there was an ongoing gossiping melodrama on the same topic a few years ago. The employees of the Volunteer centre also received a variety of news flashes from various employees (ex or current) of Homewood who had spread all these consensus reality versions very early on in the ‘game.’ You can check with members of just about any department of Homewood as they all acted things out for me and others from housekeeping to clerical and every other department as well. It is what the ‘friendly employees do there all day too. (Even though they are teaching others how to be ‘normal’ like them. The have also assessed a variety of ‘hims’ over the years and what everyone should think want and do and what motivates each one s there is a ton of information (or disinformation) to be had there. Don’t anyone overlook that now. (Not that they have done this of curse. These are just my paranoid delusions talking. So as they say in Dale’s ‘game: “don’t believe a word I say.”)
It is announced that ‘she (“that’s her!”) has stuck with him every step of the way.’ (sorry, can’t tell you which ‘him’ this is as it is just my life and therefore it’s none of my business anyway)
A couple of the residents of Speedvale Housing, a man and a woman, who also pass along information to Scottish Rose, has more news to pass along and also to get apparently, from the welfare couple, who heard and discussed, all the way back to 95, that I am ‘psychic’ (which I think now was likely a judgement THEY based on my recognition of my own words to Dale being repeated back to me over the bus radio.
Want to know what I think NOW that Dale had intended with that?(that psychic con bit is right out of the ‘game’ you know) I think that Dale decided after he gave me his stupid little ‘test’ (an existential type question) that was provided for him by Dr. Shashi Joglekar) that I , as the imagined ‘schizophrenic’ , whom he had ‘set up’ in the outer hallway of Hamilton 2 with no witnesses present) would ‘think’ that people were reading my mind’ just like it is shown in the ‘E.S.P. ‘ part of the demonstration inside his training. I think maybe he was having him a little ‘let me see your fear’ type ‘fun’ messing with the mind of someone HE thought was ‘the schizophrenic’. Let’s all ask around and see if he made a suggestion or two like this to his co-workers
Heard at Capistrano’s outdoors;
“Pat’s the one who understands it best and the rest of them don’t understand it. That’s what’s amazing.”
One day, a small child I know says ‘goodbye crap’ to me as he and his parents are leaving the scene. I think it is most likely that his parents have used that as a demeaning nickname for me and like children do he repeats in innocence what his parents do deliberately. They are known to use demeaning nicknames for anyone who seems at all threatening to them for any reason, real or imagined. It is something they do in their own ‘leveling process.’’ They and many of their relatives have been bad mouthing me based on the community gossip for a number of years. They have even done this on the phone while I am in the room with them, which, by the way, I have experienced with several others as well, including some of my clients. Post ‘game’ attack.
The theory allowing this behaviour in their ‘split’ minds seems to be the same in every group that does this. They appear to believe that if I can only hear half the conversation (which includes lots of half stated nasty judgements, face making and perfectly obvious body language, then I will have no idea what they really MEAN by their disparaging remarks. This group behaviour is always covered by the phony baloney façade and the saccharine smiles. My favourite aspect of this is when these people actually make announcements to others ( not unlike many of the bus drivers involved) about what they are doing, including remarks like “don’t worry she is too stupid to have any idea what we are talking about.”
This is the kind of thing I used to think was deliberate and intended for how could anyone with half a brain in their head believe they were not understood while announcing what they were doing? I thought it had to be intended that I should heart that either as a vicious remark, or earlier, as a ‘joke’ (albeit a damned strange one) which included me (since they were acting it all out in front of me) even though I did not yet ‘get it’ or a lot of the ‘humour.’ Unless you experience being on the receiving end of this nonsense you have no idea how stupid and surreal it looks from the target’s point of view. It is totally unbelievable that so many people could possibly be that stupid and ignorant for that long.
It is not intended we should understand that though. That’s why they put on that obviously phony façade which they don’t believe we understand either, complete with phony little smile and eyes aglow with humourous enjoyment at the ‘confusion’ we actually DO feel when we look at them. They believe they are ‘fooling’ us on an idiotic level; their OWN. The reason we are ‘confused’ though is because we can see and hear BOTH who they are pretending to be as well as who they really are; but THEY don’t know that. As in my own case, they actually and truly believe all their bloody obvious acting out is a complete mystery to me, since they have cast me in the role of their ‘inferior’ and are then reacting to their own beliefs about who I am and not the reality of who I am. It really has little or nothing at all to do with me. I am the ‘object’ of their gossiping; not a real person, and frankly, I have no interest in explaining myself or my life to the satisfaction of people who gossip all day as the means of avoiding their own introspection or growth. Why should I be expected to do that?
Scottish Rose and another woman gossip about Mrs. Gatling on the bus. They acted it all out there, three feet away from her, their judgemental heads shaking with disdain, frequent looks at her in unison, whispering and clucking together as if Mrs. G. could not see them there while she looked right at them, talking to herself in anger as she now does every day. No doubt she is talking about these people who talk about her which the two doing the talking can’t put together with their own perfectly obvious behaviour! Scottish Rose also gossips with the one I call ‘the Drone.”
This is the paradoxical trap which has been created by psychiatry’s diagnostics and ‘medicalizing’ which keeps all the psychiatrized permanently trapped in the alternate universe of the mad doctors. When we try to tell them any of this of course, they can’t hear us as all they hear are what they are told they should: “Symptoms.” So we sit and listen to their pronouncements with the visions form Alice in Wonderland dancing through our heads as the Mad doctors tell us, “I’m late, I’m late , for a very important date, (like my meeting with Ed Perez) no time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late I’m late, I’m late….”
In August, there was allegedly a golf course discussion about “the two crazies” (I believe I was one of those) Donna L.'s partner Mark apparently has both the details of that one and an opinion of his own on us nuts, so you might ask him. If you can’t find Donna as she has gone to teacher’s college, you might try asking Gail V. at the Volunteer centre to help you out. If you can’t find her, see if you can locate her through someone on the library staff with whom she discussed me and any of my needs as determined once again by group consensus. “Mark’ by the way, says one of the ‘hes’ involved in this is a police officer, and just now, (September) I heard something similar being discussed with Gordon at the Library, so you might try for information there again. Then perhaps you could all do another round of community assessment and analysis and update your consensus groupthink session.
First though, those of you who missed this one before should know that there is another round of the ‘she’s a millionaire’ story making the rounds yet again. (This is the third or fourth time now over the years) This goes along with the contempt displayed by those who are quite put out that I am ‘pretending’ to be poor now and living in a housing unit. Many of the local loudmouths will be happy to express their opinion of me on that. You will find many of them in the town square every day. I am sure they are having a really hard time juxtaposing my riches with my choice to live in housing where I can have my life monitored by those who feel they need to control me. I would have a problem with that too, except that I know all they have to do is fall back on the old, ‘that’s because she’s crazy’ routine. That solves everything for a whole lot of people doesn’t it? Perhaps I should be the one saying, “Having trouble making sense of things are you?” That’s a ‘sign’ you know.
I also heard that “mark’ said he knows where this police officer lives but does not know what his name is. If that is true, I would suggest this police officer learn to live with his curtains closed at all times as the locals are likely to be passing through your yard under your windows trying to see what you are doing in there so they can tell the folks in the town square for the daily ridiculing session. If you’re not sure if this is happening, go sit in or around Capistrano’s and you will get the news in no time.
Another ‘he’ (sorry don’t know who) has allegedly said to someone, “Well, she might not be worth much to you, but she’s pretty special to me.” (That was after a ‘that’s her’ announcement) Of course I realize any or none of this stuff may or may not be true since this has grown like mould over the years and none of it has been clarified. I am reporting what the population of Guelph gossips about. Not what I believe or which is bubbling up from within my supposedly defective brain.
More Gossip
September
A young guy on the bus going to the mall is telling an older woman (his mother?) and a young girl what he has heard on the job. “They act just like they are married. Apparently, she’s not very happy.” (I have heard this one acted out for me for many years and it is often preceded by the ‘there she is’ announcement so this has a long standing familiar ring to it. The young guy works at A & W at the mall, along with Marilyn who lives in the building where I am now. Another ‘coincidence.”
Two teen girls assess me: Apparently she is just brilliant but REALLY, REALLY paranoid. (I ‘think’ I am having my mental condition assessed by fifteen year olds) The other one then states as she observes me, “I am glad that I’m not smart if it means having to be like that.”
(I don’t think she has anything to worry about on that score)
A couple of teenaged boys are having another round of assessment on my sexuality based on the community’s stories they have in invented and then kept going. (And embellished quite colourfully I might add.)
Another round of what a lousy stupid support worker I am is also being passed again. There have been more ‘new’ stories fabricated so those in the ‘levelling process can have another round of cathartic release on someone who ‘deserves’ it. Otherwise they may have to blame a relative and as we all know it is never ‘the family.’
Two men in the square: “The University didn’t know but they know now. That’s the paradox.”
Some sitting outside the Dominion building discuss it, “It only takes one person to do that.”
I see one of the women who gossips with one of the men ‘observing’ me (the skinny Hawaiian) is gossiping with Cynthia H. at Community Health. Jackie, the head shaver’ relative sits with a big group at Caps which includes party girl Donna, who gossips with bus drivers and lives in the building next door, where she is sharing her opinion as much as she can based on a total lack of knowledge. Of course, that won’t stop her. She two gossips every day with a lot of the towns addicted folk whether they are in twelve step groups or not as well as those party folks who are still drinking. These people are not at all shy about expressing their opinions either. She has also been seen sitting with “Jackie’, the bigger dark haired ‘Hawaiian’ from the building next to me, and of course, Peggy (who makes no bones about how ‘stupid she and her relatives think I am) and who works at Homewood . Guess where? That’s right; the Manor: The addictions unit. Just like ''poor Margie". Know who else worked at the Manor? Why, Dr. Reid Finlayson who is alleged to have been ‘one of the men’ who went to check to see if I got the cable TV someone sent me anonymously at my old address. Harry McC is an A.A. member I believe and Sean M. was an addictions counselor. The people wishing me to ‘burn in hell’ were often doing so while I worked inside Homewood on their way up from the lecture theatre. I heard that from bus driver announcements, as I rode the bus to work. They confirmed to the passenger’s way back, then that I got it. All were “amazed.’ And they still cannot connect their own acting out to my report of it. Nor can they connect my report of it to the psychiatric Label the SAME people gave me for doing so!
All they know is I am not gossiping with them so I am not smiling enough, or friendly enough to suit them. And they DON’T KNOW WHY other than I am the ‘whack job’ who claims she was ‘railroaded into Homewood for ‘thinking people she did not even know were talking about her’ and for being so paranoid that she thought men were following her around and possibly being let into her apartments by her landlord or perhaps the handy man HARRY McC.
By the way, the local addicted types have now got another round of verbal abuse going so it is now time to let you in on the latest pot shots being taken at me in public. You won’t want to miss these. They are related to a new set of fabrications abut where I live now, Some of these charming people are once again giving out my apartment number and also allegedly telling people how to tell which apartment is mine from the back and outside. How safe would you feel knowing the community abuse is escalating again and that telling anyone about it is not going to be heard or accepted as ‘real’ anyway? Would you feel safer or less safe?
There sure are a lot of ‘coincidences’ in my ‘delusions’ aren’t there?
The thin brunette guy who looks like he is in his forties and now wears glasses, the one who gossiped with Maggie C. at my bank, has also been seen sitting with the same bunch of Capistrano’s habitués including Manor Peggy, and a guy I think may be Graham Sawer. Graham and Peggy have had a gossip session now too. If this is the same Graham Sawer from Sault Ste Marie, then he is also the brother of my father’s last employer. “Danny’ has also filled in Gordon H. and the guy named Guenther who hits people up for spare change for the liquor store, has also offered some news to Gordon H. Again, all these people have a connection to Homewood at the Manor, to twelve step groups or to the local drinkers and users.
Many of these people are not as ‘shy’ as those of you who are gossiping and keeping it a ‘secret’. They feel very justified in taking pot shots at me as if they know me which they don’t, and I don’t think Peggy and her input is helping much. My newest problem talker is now “Donna’ from the building next door and several new bus drivers on my new route.
More highlights to come so stay tuned for more news. There will be another new post soon.
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