Themes for November 2007

Of course, I have this in more detail including lots of names but I am saving the ‘flash’ around this outline for Patricia’s Razor. That is the place I am going to give an in-depth analysis of the event and all the people who have involved themselves from the point of view they don’t want: MINE. I will tell the world what it is like to be on the receiving end of this community wide abuse and judgment while listening to the endless denial of it and also while being blamed for it in some truly imaginative ways. This is done most often and most loudly by those claiming to subscribe to the principle, “no one must be blamed.”

I have been mad aware of a whole lot of people who are in some real need of therapy, including some of my former friends who feel quite all right about passing along their disdain for me to others; for my own good of course. So I will follow their lead and ‘help’ them too. It will be with what I consider to be their problems, and I will do this, whether they like it or not, for THEIR own good. But, before we go there, here are the Themes of the month.

Alice parker spotted me on the street and raised her hand to cover her smiles which were close to becoming audible laughter. She reminded me of Dr. Kamal who had been training on H2 and H3 back in 95 and who did exactly the same thing when she saw me once in Zellers. (OK Homewood, be sure to invalidate my perception of this here since that is how you keep yourselves ‘safe’ from the ‘exposure’ of a perfectly obvious reality. You have got to convince the victims of this BS that there is no BS at all. Remember; deny, deny, deny. )
Students try to decipher my age; “Let’s see now she was born in 48…so 48 plus 7…
“55 stupid! She’s 55!”
A woman from Waterloo Housing manages to connect at the evergreen centre to the ex friend of an acquaintance of mine who lives in another housing building. They have a really enjoyable cat session together on the bus. The Waterloo tenant gets to pass that one along to others back at her own building later.

The ''Cable TV story'' (there own version) gets passed along again for another round of assessment. Some university students think they may have found me on the ‘net.’
Donna, the gossip and assessor from 387, has also managed to connect for a gossip session to the larger woman working at ‘Save mart’ at Old Quebec St. (the former Silver Dollar) where this same woman also worked and had received ongoing versions of my reality (with no input form me thank you) from Mrs. Harry McCallion, (previously seen by me as one of the many strange men which I had ‘imagined’ were following me around.) Homewood ’s Peggy was still holding curt in the town square for all the latest for the local addicted population who no doubt met her at the Manor among other locales. She is also nice and friendly with bus drivers, and of course, other city employees like her husband. (I used to see him at Homewood a lot way back then and had thought that he was one of the people working at the Manor division there but he was likely just another of the Homewood tourists like lawyers Tom and Patrick. (who I had also ‘claimed’ were strangers to me following me around and playing the ‘that’s her there’ game. )

As we all now know, these reports of my experience were ‘diagnosed’ for me as my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations and you know I am still suffering from the same imaginary illness too. I would not be surprised if another ’helper’ from Homewood soon offered me another dose of ‘a little something to reduce my awareness for me.’ The irony of course is that those offering to reduce my awareness for me really want that for themselves so they don’t have to think they are obvious and a group of morons who want to blame me for their own denial of reality.
Two of the Waterloo Housing tenants have found each other on the bus and also managed to connect with some of the same gossiping and assessing bus passengers as well as a common bus driver. Now the two of them take their gossiping positions right at the front of the bus so they can share all the latest crap together and indulge themselves in a three way contempt session with loads of laughter shared about their ‘inferiors.’ Another middle aged bus driver along the same route at times has joined in the ‘fun.’ (the one who acted out for another gossiping younger one his pantomime of dropping a bomb on me, like a military style target. Har har har)
Some of the library staff know my name, some don’t, some think they are talking about two different people when they are talking about me both times and sometimes they mistake me with another psychiatrized woman as part of the ongoing attempt to get all the news and information Guelphites have to offer. The community debate on all of this and the assessment just goes on…and on…As the shoe guy discusses with others on the mall downtown on their lunch breaks, it is ‘a saga.’

Donna the gossip continues to connect to any others she can to collect more information for distribution. Donna has enjoyed making lots of contemptuous little faces at me along with her four foot boundary violating commentary. Of course she considers herself to be one of the ‘sane’ ones since she is so ‘outgoing’ and ‘friendly.’
I have ‘'shown them how it looks from the victim perspective and some of the Jewish educators are said to feel hopeful about this idea.''
One of the ‘hes’ apparently is not in Guelph anymore. You can take your pick of course of who that might be. As always, I have multiple choice or the possibility that this is just a rumour or perhaps something someone is deliberately trying to bait me with. I never can really know can I? Many members of the public are said to have ‘changed sides now.’
Library staff told, “you better be careful what you say or you’ll be getting arrested!’ (laughs all around) (aren’t my ‘hallucinated conversations’ interesting?)

Some non stop gossips now pretend they don’t know me when they see me, even after acting it all out from a few feet away fro over a decade.
Many around me including the psychiatrized addicts don’t like my lack of ‘friendliness’ towards them. There is one of my neighbours who makes me a regular topic of contempt on the bus daily, entertaining other passengers with her evaluations of me. (MY paranoid delusions to Homewood ) She believes she is operating in secret with this though I am fully aware of course of her personality problems. On Friday, November 30th, she was disdainfully discussing my lack of visitors to my apartment. This ‘proved’ something to her. One of the things it proved to me was that she is one of the people who will never be visiting my apartment. This ME is that this the type to whom I am civil and nothing more. I intend to remain that way with her for good. I have already been treated to her numerous contemptuous opinions. She shares them with the same type in the next building too. (Behind my back always of course)

The unseen results of some of this behaviour by 75 year old two year olds is that some of the locals always decide it is OK to tell me off from a few feet away and some even give themselves permission to curse at me in the streets. These ones always feel ‘superior’ to me and others as well. Most of us see THEM as boundary violating nasty little jerks and neurotics. We just don’t tell them (or bus drivers and passengers) about our opinion of them. Of course that doesn’t mean we don’t HAVE opinion. It just means we have better self control most of the time and a better understanding of personal boundaries.

Some locals are saying they have ‘read the book.’ (on my protagonist’s game) “it’s uncanny.’
Some of the bus drivers have become more careful in delivering their ongoing assessments in front of me.
A psychiatrized woman hollers something about “your boyfriend.”

A staff member from housing connects with a Library staff member. Between them they discuss whether a book on it really exists or not. They then have an assessment session of me on a personal level. The need to minimize the whole event and to denigrate me for complaining about it or not doing the ‘right’ things according the city wide consensus continues as always though. No one is personally sorry for anything even yet.
A Homewood employee who is related to a library employee has told them the ‘woman’ is a regular at the library. A Homewood Manor employee got more rumours for passing along to others from a trip to Coco Latte this month.
“They’ say it is very complicated.
My new neighbours are still assessing my life for me. Many have told others that ‘all she does is sit in her apartment alone all the time so what does that tell us.’ ONe of my neighbours in particualr loves to use me as her target for disdain which she shares with others who all keep her secret for her. She is very two faced and offers me a little insincere smile if I get too close to her, otherwise, she has convinced herself that I will see know and understand only what she intends me to and not what she doesn't. Maybe she is my protagonist's mother or a relative. Wonder if she was 'trained'too or just came by her atitudes more naturally? (I am sure their rumours tell them anything they want them too. That is what spreading rumours is all about after all. I wish their story telling would tell them something about themselves for a change.)

Students say that I ‘shot their theory all to hell.’
An A.A. member who has been gossiping about this with bus drivers for many years was seen with two older women who had relatives on H# in the past, filling them both in on the latest news. These two women also had me pointed out to them (with some laughter) by Beth, who is the woman I told at The Eaton Centre in (after being forced out of my job by Homewood for the second time), that Dale was doing the routine he was. The firm of McElderry and Morris sat and observed me doing it that day too.

Probably the biggest rumour towards the end of this month though is the varieties on this one:

‘He’ is now ‘allowed’ to talk to me as of the week of Monday November the 26th through Sunday Dec. 2nd. Now there are a couple of versions on this too. One is that he can do that anytime form Monday on and the other is that he can’t do that until the weekend. Also, with the first one, it is said that ‘he’ can talk to me as of Monday BUT, ‘it is worse than ‘they’ had thought so ‘he is in no hurry to talk to her now.’

As for which one of the ‘hes’ this may or may not be; take your pick. There is still multiple choice on all of it to me.

A few of my fellow tenants have now heard, “she was right” and have passed that along (covertly of course) to many others who have, in turn, acted it all out for me. The cleaning crew at the big mall is still passing along everything all of the latest rumours they manage to get from others to still MORE ‘others’ (the others who can never be blamed for anything of course)
The Library staff discusses the psychiatrized library users unknown to ‘us’ of course.
The guy who works in some capacity at the Library behind the scenes is asked by some staff there to tell him what he knows. The same guy has been seen on the streets nearby in the company of the same guy I call “Intrepid.” I have a couple of versions of who this guy actually is but they are also contradictory of course.

More speculation about how I feel has taken place as usual amongst all of those who feel entitled to be involved and to express their never ending (though covert) opinions to everyone else they know. The downtown mall is also keeping the daily assessment going as usual. Street rumour has it that “they” are going to apologize to ‘her.’ (This is while they ‘observe’ me standing a few feet away.)

There is a rumour that a few have talked to one of the local mercury reporters about what is going on here. Donna the gossip and Mike the gossip who live at the same address have also exchanged ‘stories.’ Some people at Old Quebec St. spot me and then gesture about my lack of smiling. A resident of 21 Paisley (an old address of mine where the landlord is married to a retired member of Homewood staff) shows up at waterloo Ave to connect to the tenant down the hall who gets lots of rumour5s from the Drop In centre. Many of the gossips from the square hang out at this centre daily. I wonder if one of the graduates from the manor who lives there will pass that along to the head shaver who in turn will pass it along to all the others involved in the twelve step programs. (try to remember that virtually EVERYONE involved is committed to ‘confidentiality’ in some way from cops to psychiatrists to 12 steppers. This is all a big part of the ‘secrecy.’)
One of the bus drivers gossiping with a university student thinks that I must ‘have quite an ego on her if she thinks everyone in Guelph is gossiping about her.” (He says this while he continues to gossip about me oblivious to himself of course) The pair then share a little contemptuous laugh together.
A cop is said t have remarked that ‘they both say the same things’ and they have never had any direct contact.’ This is true of me and everyone so I don’t know which one this is of whom he speaks. That is providing also that this rumour about a ‘cop’ saying this is true and not another fabrication of the public of course. I have no way of ever knowing since NO ONE EVER talks directly to me about any of it. In any case, many bus drivers ‘don’t believe that for a minute.’

Several people do a little dance about how ‘excited he is to be able to talk to me now.” A ‘he’ wonders what I am doing for Xmas. (Probably the same thing as always except this year my former friend is not in the picture as she prefers not to respond to my complaints about the way she relates to me now. This lack of any response at all is of course, not surprising to me)

The Library staff believes according to rumours they keep going (and in which they have included the Housing staff) that I just ‘lost my job’ as a natural occurrence. The fault is found to be only in me as always.
The Martin’s cleaning gal is filling in another man at the mall. Haven’t seen this one before but have seen her doing this constantly with a variety of people and have also heard her opinions of both me and one of the ‘hims’ as well. This man looks like he is between 55 and 60 and is balding, gray haired and with a short trim beard. It is NOT ‘Intrepid’ though. This one sits like so many and negatively shakes his head in tune with whichever version of reality the table wiper is passing along today in her ‘socializing.’

It is said to be ‘much worse than they had thought.’ (all over town) They discuss how ‘realistic’ one of the ‘hes’ might be if he expects anything from her. There are various versions of this also. The No Frills teens are still keeping everyone updated and keeping their collective eyes open watching for what is going to happen next, now that they have heard ‘he’ is allowed to talk to me. (There she is!)

Some are saying it is a ‘miscommunication.’ (it isn’t. it is NO communication at all which leaves my reality open to the non stop ‘interpretations’ of others.)

On November the 28th, 2007 there was a group of some sort meeting at Old Quebec St. They discussed the fact that it was very frightening and also that ‘they’ couldn’t hear it because they were giving it a different meaning.” ‘He’ didn’t believe it was her.’ Bus drivers announce again that I never say a word about it to anyone.

Stay tuned for Themes from December. This will continue until those involved in this learn how to own their OWN behaviour instead of just preaching about it to ‘others’ whom they obviously believe CAN be ‘blamed.’

Personally, this is all the same kind of thing to me since no matter which rumours get passed along from god knows what source, nothing ever gets done by those who can’t be blamed. So, Paranoid Patty here has learned not to bother holding my breath waiting for those who preach endlessly to take their own advice.



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