( a correct statement) what the person saying this and the person hearing this think it means though will depend on WHICH version of reality they are attaching it to. For example, if the person believes hat I am the ‘source’ of the problem, he will think that ‘cop’ means I have no reason for my behaviour regarding Dale. If on the other hand, the person believes that Dale was doing what he was, in fact, doing, or that what he was doing was his ‘game’ plan, which is done by being ‘unreasonable,’ (as is said within it) then the person stating or hearing this will state/hear it in relation to that premise.
Since all of this is language of the abstract nexus of meaning, one can never be sure if what you mean and what is HEARD or believed is the same thing. You would have to clarify that by connecting each remark to a concrete fact to show a clear difference. If not. Everyone assumes they know what is meant based on their own beliefs and the fabricated stories they have all added to the mess. Of course, game boy knows this will happen since he had already seen it inside his own training. This is what it is all about.
Someone says “Every time she tried to get help from them, they knocked her down again. “
Heard on the streets: “Now she can explain to her why he abandoned her eight years ago.’ (In 2000?) I wonder which one of the ‘hims’ they are referring to there? So many non communicating ‘hims’ to choose from in this)
Friday March 28th: A man about sixtyish rides around on the bus with Artie one of our star gossips, he stands at the fare box, just as all the female gossips do, getting all the latest. He had brown hair (mainly) glasses and a purple jacket with a wide blue stripe across the shoulders and a similar patch under the armpits. Time was, it was Norm M. or Wayne P. who were the biggest sources of the gossiping bus drivers (not counting Earl of course who did not do it over the bus radio like the others but did supply more information coming out of Homewood) ) but now I would have to say with the exception of the gray haired guy with the limp (who I have not actually seen for awhile) it would have to be Artie that keeps everyone informed the best and they all keep passing all the information they get from Homewood and elsewhere back to him. He in turn keeps many passengers informed and they like to turn around and look at me while they gossip.
“Students say: “She is mad at the doctor.”
A woman who was part of my experience in T2 in 95 looks me right in the face and she appears pained by it. Perhaps she is remembering some of the abuse I endured while in there. No doubt they all believe as is commonly desired that I was (as one patient put it only more colourfully) Too f….ar gone to have any idea that they were talking about me.’ (I was surrounded by an endless supply of geniuses assessing my awareness for me and in fact, in many ways I still am aren’t I? A drug store worker who has been discussing me for years with others walks past me and ignores me after the latest round of community assessment based on the rumour mill. Tim (an ACTor) has another round of discussion with the Shoe Guy. The big lump with the Buster Brown hair-do and the back pack who wondered with others if I was really female or not pretends he doesn’t know me from Eve when he sits down right beside me. This is all part of the ‘normies’ ‘now you see them, now you don’t’ routine.
The folks down at the Dominion building, some the same ‘strangers’ I told Homewood were ‘talking about me’ long ago when I did not know who they were) discuss my personality and my mental health as defined for them by all those with an opinion on it and they are still growing in numbers in order to keep on top of my reality FOR me. Of course, I am not included in this assessment and I never really was. Check with those clerking out front for all the latest in opinions from the back. The work fare team, also involved sine at least 99 that I am aware of, will offer have an opinion to offer if you ask them. They can fill you in on the amusement from back in 99 at the Eaton Centre too.
Two twenty-somethings at the library, don’t like me at all which is an opinion shared by Motormouth Marion. As the observe me together they also add, “She is French too.’
Kerry R. Homewood graduate (apparently) is trying to get a job here and has discussed me with Intrepid at the Mall. Say, did I even mention that Intrepid has also been seen with that gray haired guy who works in the library in the basement. Don’t let me find out abut it now as this is all still a very big covert action. If you suspect I may know something, just have Brian Furlong at Homewood or someone just like him suggest these are just more of my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations coming out again, then that will give him (or anyone like him) legitimate cause to fry my brains for me to make me forget. They really DO want me to ‘forget and get on with my life’ you know so that THEY can continue to smell like the proverbial roses they imagine themselves to be. You know, I think it may well be time for Ed Perez to give us another round of rousing speeches on ethics and integrity don’t you? Then we will all get Steve Abdool to explain it to us uneducated hicks, preferably in monosyllabic language.
I heard that allegedly Bill Winegard says, ‘they did not want them to know they were behaving that way so they covered it up.’ I don’t know of course if this is true so maybe you could ask him when you see him.
Many think this is all ‘very sad’ but also others think it is also sooooo funny…har har; especially that part about making her believe he was in love with her and THEN making ‘him’ believe that she was in love with him!” har har…
Sat. March 29th/08
Library: Now D. from the Matrix building who also uses the word processor once again discusses the latest with another female ‘consumer’ one who also discusses me with another male ‘consumer’ (one less than thrilled with the system) “D.” has lots of opinions about what is wrong with his fellow tenants also as he considers himself to be a ‘superior’ one who understands more. This allows him of course to understand me better than I understand myself and therefore he can evaluate me and also my writing for others. Of course he doesn’t actually know me but he doesn’t have to as he has heard all the rumours which is hard to do since they don’t really exist. But then, I guess that is why he has been psychiatrized himself right? It is his in ability to perceive reality, even though he is sure he does…getting too circular for you? Of course like many Homewood nurses in this, D. is sure I don’t understand him. He has acted out for me at least four times in my presence. To back up his opinion today, (“she won’t let it go”) he fills in this female ‘consumer’ on what Ian has to say about it. I imagine “Ian’ would be the Homewood consumer who allegedly has expressed his opinion of me many times, including the time he acted out for me with a buddy in front of Capistrano’s, his eyes glowing with amusement and the inevitable little smirk on his face which no doubt he was sure I could not see. I wonder if Ian is connecting this to his own experience of believing ‘people were looking amused by his distress when he was psychiatrized for such ‘delusions.’ I wonder if he sees the absurdity in what he is now doing by playing the opposite role and then denying it? Apparently, “Ian’ told D. here that it was all just supposed to be a ‘joke’ like the ‘joke’ it is defined to be in Dale’s training: “Life is a joke; it’s a game’ . Why. I believe I already TOLD them all of this long before I broke down and in fact, the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3, already know that too. They claimed there was nothing happening at `all, so how can it all be just a ‘joke’ now? What has changed?
I have now discovered the identity of a brown complexioned man who has joined others on the bus jerking his head in my direction and making comments. He was a ‘stranger’ to me too, and still is really except that I see ‘connections’ to him that the more ‘normal’ people assessing me and evaluating me all day do NOT see.
I recently discovered where he works which is in the evening at No Frills, Willow West in the produce section.
Now last week, as I was at the bus stop across from the mall one of my new neighbours from upstairs approached me. Motor mouth Marion, A Homewood volunteer who in the past has pumped patients for information and then shared what she got with bus drivers and other bus passengers has already expressed her hostile opinion of me with this neighbour. Of course, this neighbour has already heard this from her own neighbours who have added to the old stories with misinformation supplied to them by some of my new neighbours and their visitors. On this day, this upstairs neighbour told me that her wrist was hurting her from carrying her bag. When I offered to carry it for her, she said, “I can’t because if I give it to you I will never get it back.’ No doubt she had drawn this conclusion from the building slander which has included the suggestion that I am a thief and stole someone’s meals and a ‘swiffer’ since my floor is so clean. I have heard that too, over and over again, in and around the building. The clean floor information as supplied by my new friend, who passes any information she gets along to the primary gossip at the other end of the hall, who in turn passes it to the guy with the earring who is a regular at the mall, who in turn passes that along to the usual group who pass it all along to the cleaners and to the seniors who pass it along to Prof. Phidd and vice versa. I have also seen tow of this group informing bus drivers on the route out there of all the latest they get from all the mall gossips.
All of this I am told of course does not exist either. I only ‘think’ it does because I am paranoid and delusional, which has also been passed along through the building by my new ‘friend.’
My ‘friend’ is the one who agreed not to talk about my personal business there as in return I will do the same for her. So far, I have kept my part of the bargain, however, I wonder if I shouldn’t perhaps tell the same people what she has told me and offer my personal assessment of her mental condition to see if we can come to some consensus opinion on that. I am sure I would be considered to be much friendlier and more normal if I did. I would sure fit in better.
Saw Paul from the Homewood kitchen at the food court last Sunday. Wonder if he has offered any assessments? The same day I saw the regular ‘earring’ guy who I have also seen entering one of my new neighbours apartments. She is the one at the other end of the hall who is regularly pumping my new ‘friend.’ No doubt, he takes whatever crap he gets there back out to the mall to share with the same group of gossips as always along with some new ‘interpretations’ of my home life and movements. This gossiping neighbour has also interviewed my next door neighbours for information. “Does she ever listen to music or anything?” This one doing the interviewing is the type we in the Homecare business refer to in these buildings as ‘the Hall Monitors.’ They are always out in the hall checking on everyone else’s visitors and business or hanging around the entries to see who is who and were are they going and then they take all the tidbits to the coffee klatch in the am. All the Housing buildings have their share of these ones and these ones are also the ones who tend to watch the front hall cameras in the buildings that have them as if they were a reality TV show. When they see someone coming in, they pop out into the hall, act casual and friendly and make note of exactly where these people are going and who they are seeing so they can report that at the next debriefing session know as ‘socializing.’ Tenants tell us support workers and nurses that if you don’t go and do it with them, then YOU are the one they talk about. All of this of course is not accepted as ‘reality’ by the folks in the mental health profession. After all, this would not be reasonable behaviour on the part of tenants; therefore, it must be the imagination of the psychiatrized tenants who are on the receiving end of it. Often, complaining of this group behaviour can get you another assessment session with your psychiatrist. Of course all he can hear is your paranoia as he has been trained so well to ‘interpret’ your experience for you.
My new friend had informed the neighbours that I found the truth about Dale’s ‘game’ in a book. Of course, I think they then evaluate my delusions for me using my ‘belief’ that what happened to me CAN be found in a book that spells it out. (Aren’t I amusing in my madness?) This is typical of the standard of judgments used on the labeled by the unlabelled. Everything we say once labeled gets interpreted by virtually everyone in terms of ‘pathology.’ In other words, they make our experience ‘fit’ into their beliefs.
If you can’t find earring man at the mall, look for aboriginal man or the old cowboy and pump them. They all share the same stories together while believing themselves ‘hidden.’ They still point me out to new people added to all the rest of the gossips while frequently announcing the usual, “there she is!” That was just done last Sunday by earring man. “That’s her,” he announced to the group and all five of them focused on my face together, no doubt certain that I could see them as they are, as always. Soon, the table wiper joined them for hearing all the latest piece of crap. She then usually passes it all along to a table of seniors. The ‘new’ cowboy, (who gets his news of me from Donna the gossiping tenant from 387, where he too lives along with “mike’ who keeps the bus drivers updated) now worked out at the mall too. It has become a full circle of gossip mongering you might say.
Post script:
Harvard is a school for the big brains. Did you know that the person they chose this year (2008) as the recipient of the “Woman of the Year’ trophy is Paris Hilton?
Next Post: the April Fools
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