Themes for December, 2007

December 3rd:
The shoe salesman is having a discussion today with the big guy who calls this a 'saga.' The topic is DNA. They're believers in DNA as a problem in others. 'Hope they and all the others in this get this worked out for me soon. As they like to point out to each other; It has been ''a long time.'' Perhaps it is something in their DNA that does not allow them to know the same amount of time has passed with everyone talking to each other about it and not to the only one who actually understands it. This 'difference' and in 'perception' and 'reactions'
they have all manufactured. It blows the mind sometimes. It really does. ''They'' like to say this all happened a long time ago. If so, why are they still involved in it now? Why have they never stopped assessing it and speculating about it themselves?
No one gets anything past her and her boyfriend…har har har.
Bus drivers continue to receive all the latest information and ‘interpretations’ of me and all the alleged ‘hims.’
They googled the “mirror” and there it was!
It’s all there! (here) ‘It’s just amazing!
(If I hear that words much more I swear I will upchuck all over them)
The shoe guy thinks this all happened a ‘long time ago.’ He doesn’t consider his own non stop gossiping to be in the ‘now’ I guess.
December 5: Phrase of the day:
“it’s about responsibility” which is repeated over and over again at various locations around town. It is then ‘interpreted’ as usual with various instant evaluations, usually focused on me and my ‘shortcomings’ (never on themselves or their’s) Gossip gal “D” pumps save mart gal for all the latest information so she can pass it along to bus driver L.L. (a description not his initials)

In malls:
She has lost everything- again. They harassed her on buses and everything. 'He' says he feels like Elmer Fudd compared to her. “He’ is in Ottawa now.

The R.C.M.P. is mentioned again and has been many times over the years.
A former ‘date’ of Dale’s is seen discussing it with someone at a café.
Another round is repeated of ‘he’s her hero.”
(I have no human heroes and there are no heroes in this that I am aware of since I am still in isolation and being personally ignored.)
It is said they told my employer that I needed ‘intensive psychotherapy.’
“’They’ are going to go and see me.”
The word ‘amazing’ has been replaced by some as ‘incredible’ as in ‘there she is; it’s just incredible.’
A Homewood administration person (who ‘frankly did not care’ many years ago ) sees me in front of the Old Quebec St. mall and makes a painful looking face at me but does not speak.
Some residents of my building mock the fact that I go to the library every day and share the opinion of many that ‘that is certainly not going to help anything. Fourteen year olds at the library are sure I am using the w.p. to answer all my e-mail as they have seen me downloading and uploading into it several times in succession (which is true) I keep all my unfinished essays in it as well as the information sent to me by many others which is then organized into completed essays to post on my blogs. I do not use attachments to send to myself anymore as I found that I was unable to download them again so they were quite useless to me to work on.
It has been decided by some of my fellow tenet that I am now naïve (instead of just stupid) and that I would get past this if I just used my head for a change and thought about it for a minute. (Perhaps this one did not have any Homewood staff explain to her that I was ‘just stupid.’ Kind of sounds like Dale huh? “We think but we don’t THINK.” I am going to do a piece from my point of view on her as a response to this ‘thinking’ bit. )What I fail to understand like everyone else is that there is no way Homewood is going to admit to anything so I need to stop being so stupid (or naïve) and keep expecting them to do so.

ON THE STREET:
‘Well what is he supposed to do now?
“What is she trying to do to ‘him?’”
I am also now defined on the mean streets as ‘just selfish’ rather than just stupid or naïve.
Chubby of the Workfare trio mockingly notes the time of my arrival one day to check my e-mail. Some of the gals at the dominion building have kept a running commentary going from behind my back. Luckily, as always, I am too dull witted to notice so I don’t have to react to this condescension since I am unaware of it.
(Try to recognize that these are all the people from who I hallucinated conversations and for which I received my nice label. None of them have done, seen or heard a thing. It is all my imagination.)

''It has been fourteen years, '' points out someone on the street . "I know why he is scared to talk to her. ''

On Tuesday, December the 11th, Another coincidental event occurred.
As I was riding on a bus, at my usual time an off duty bus driver got on at a stop used by a woman who works in the Court Office building and rode downtown. He then got off in the square and wandered around a bit. After I got on my other bus to go home, he got on right after me and he and the driver on that route had the usual buddy style chat at the front of the bus, I thought I heard a ‘doctor’ mentioned and also a repeat of the idea that she ‘gets off and then walks down the street for a way. Coincidentally, right after I got off the bus at my stop, so did the off duty bus driver. His intitials are T.C.
Coincidence number 3. I could not help but wonder who was having my whereabouts reported to them now but I am sure I will hear about it, over and over again, in the mean streets of town, along with any new assessments and opinions that go with it. Of course, this is all just a ‘coincidence’ as all of them are, so I won’t be able to talk about it to anyone unless I want to get risk getting myself some more ‘treatment’ for my paranoid delusions.

December 12th
Heard at the library; he is just like totally smitten man…he says he no longer cares what anyone else thinks he is going to try to have what makes him happy for a change.
(By those who obviously don’t understand that if someone is ‘admiring someone from afar’ that is a ‘symptom’ in the one who is said to be admired and perhaps also in those who ‘think’ such a thing is even possible.

The H3 cleaning lady who got all of the news from some of the nurses on the unit all the way back to 92/93, saw me in the mall and today and spoke for the first time in many years. Must be a new piece of news making all the rounds. Also on the bus, a student was telling some others that they fired “HER” and all the rest of them kept their jobs. Why didn’t they fire the ones who did this? Of course, this is all part of my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions since they all claimed they did nothing.

December 13th. One of the psych students who spoke to me in a patronizing little tone his first year pointed me out to another today and said, “Do you know who that is…? ,as I walked by. What ‘delusion do you suppose I am having now? Is it related to that ‘seeking fame’’ thing?

At the Dominion Building they are asking each other HOW I could possibly know all of that. Many are trying to imagine what ‘he’ is going to say. Will it be, “Oh, Gee, sorry about that.”
A bus driver with the initials TC demonstrated one of the Guelph ‘coincidences ‘ for me. He got on a bus I was on at a regular time and stood talking to the driver. Then we rode down to the square where TC got off and wandered about with other drivers. When the next buses were in and after I got on my transfer, TC got on the same bus and another fare box discussion took place with the regular driver. Repeated over and over in my presence has been the commentary with part of it as follows. “No, she doesn’t get off there or go in that place. ‘She walks down farther’ so I am not sure which building she goes to.” (The part in inside quotes has been acted out in my presence at least half a dozen times and has involved the participation of many of my new neighbours as well who are also giving out information on my movements and assessing the situation and me amongst themselves.) This group behaviour has been taking place for almost fifteen years now and is still denied as those who continue to perform it still consider themselves to be ‘hidden’ from me. I have called this like being stalked by proxy in the past. The ‘diagnosis of that is ‘paranoid delusions.’
After I rang to get off, TC bus driver just happened to get off at the same stop right after me and flowed me up the street. He now knows which building I went into and so now does everyone else who drives a bus and anyone they care to pass that information along to; such as Dale Tuck for example or any of those who were uttering death threats in the past for my ‘attack’ on ‘poor Dale.’
Would YOU feel safe living here if you were me? I don’t.
Let me remind you again of the details of my diagnosis: If I ‘think’ bus drivers are talking about me, watching me, following me around and reporting to someone, this indicates that I am ‘seeking fame.” That’s one ‘interpretation’ isn’t it? Here is another one: it is what it is and it could be accepted at at face value except that psychiatrists are trained to NEVER accept anything the designated patient says at face value. Notice the tautology there? Or are you trying to just ignore that, so you won’t get blamed? (Or sued)
I am said to be ‘very savvy.’
A gossiping woman’s son David says, “He just loves her.” (Possible interpretations of JUST that statement include: WHO loves her”? Is it David or is ‘David’ talking about another ‘he.’ In other words does the “he’ in that statement as used by the gossip refer to her son, or to someone her son is talking about? The point is this: REAL communication depends largely on one to one effort to create clarity and even then, much is assumed by those doing the communicating which is based on each one’s OWN interpretation of meaning which is in turn based on each one’s personal experience. REAL communication takes time and effort and involves a two way system between equals. Without it, it becomes more and more about the interpretation of words than about communicating.
More discussion has taken place amongst the library staff as usual as they work out the meaning of my life FOR me by ‘group consensus.” Hope they get the job done soon. Sure is taking one hell of a long time isn’t it? It is especially long when it all has to be constantly denied. MY former comment about reaching a ‘critical mass’ is being discussed again. Some think we are finally at the point in Guelph at least.
Some wonder how far I ‘would have gone if I had been supported’ and others interpret this differently by focusing on me and putting it this way: Can you imagine how far she might have gone if she had ‘applied herself’? Note the judgments involved in the choice of language. This has much to do with semantics as Szasz has said for decades.
The opinion is often repeated (as it was by bus drivers over their radios for many years) that if ‘he wants to see her, all he has to do is:
(From the past over bus driver radio)
a. come down to the square. She is there every day several times.
Or
b. (now) “come down to the library as he is here a couple of times a day. (Group smiles and of course, this is state in my presence but out of the sides of their mouths so I can’t see them.)
December 18th: Two men discuss how they have been studying me for ten years trying to figure out just what kind of a person I am saying, ‘is she this or that etc. meanwhile she is doing all her own writing explaining it all to them and it turns out to be perfectly obvious yet none of us could see that. She just talks mostly in everyday language yet you can see the concepts she uses in many other disciplines like math, physics or quantum mechanics. This is a problem with people who are ‘experts. I have noticed this myself, (said one of the mean) when talking to experts in many disciplines. They often cannot think beyond their own training.

Donna the mouthpiece and her new friend ‘Andi’ share another covert snotty remark together. Both are convinced that I am unaware of them as they speculate about all the rumours they are helping to crate and spread. That is a steady feature of this. One of the themes is that they will all find out how ‘rich’ I am in January. They wonder if I will get kicked out of my apartment for ‘cheating.’

Some Library staff looks for my phone number. “He can’t find it.” I wonder if it is the gray haired guy who works there behind the scenes whom I have seen talking to the one I call ‘Intrepid’ who looks for it. I also wonder why most of the population of the city is so unaware of personal boundaries. This place is sure a stalkers paradise.
Toe students discuss how everyone here ‘pretended it never happened’ and how ‘she got told to keep her mouth shut and not talk about it.’
“She has opened our eyes to this,’ someone has allegedly stated. Two other students about 19 years old, one male and one female, debate together whether I (they don’t know this is me) am the one who goes to her bank and who ‘has a dominant side and a submissive side,’ and which the female of the pair is afraid of because ‘she hollers.’ Although she says she “can’t imagine HER getting on line.” (This sort of confirms my impression that Mrs. Gatling gets some of my abuse and also I get some of the community abuse intended for HER. We are both being identified it would seem, as the same person. )
The same two then mock a local man who is labeled as OCD. The superior female wonders out loud, “What is THAT supposed to be about?” The pair laugh in that way that ‘superior’ people have, especially the young ho have convinced themselves they pretty much know everything and that those who have lived longer are completely ignorant about life; unlike them. Just then another psychiatrized person gets on the bus at Riverside Glen and the pair have another good time in a winking and poking session with a few guffaws thrown in for good measure.

A couple of older students though, both male this time, wonder what kind of a world we are living in that all of these people know about this and not one of them admits to any of this?”
Heard on the street, in malls and on buses:
“They say the same things on the same day.”
“he” is going to say, “Since you are all alone on Christmas and I am alone too, why don’t we spend it together.”
The psychiatrized people pronounce it a “Christmas love story.”
Bus drivers worry about the passing of time. On Sunday one of them wonders about the rumour: “when would he ask her? It is already the 23rd.”
“They talked about her all the time like she was demanding, controlling and like a drill sergeant. She is nothing like that. It just shows you how far people will go to justify themselves.”

December 26th/07 Boxing Day
A thirtyish woman, (another stranger to me Dr. Badoe) Points me out as I shop for new underwear- ‘That’s her,’ she tells her friend while pointing me out. “It was like fifteen years ago and she is still whining about it.’ (the both laugh with their feelings of ‘superior’ understanding and worth intact as always) I also see Wendy Tomile, a long time ‘that’s her’ person, pointing me out ever so carefully to her friend in Sears. In 1994/95 I was telling Homewood and doctors that this was happening as well as my employers’ office. ‘People I don’t even know,’ I was telling them without ever really being heard, ‘are discussing me and my supposed character flaws or mental illness’ in dollar stores, malls, food courts and on buses etc. It doesn’t matter what I say, I can’t stop them. It has all taken on a life of its own now and I can’t stop it. Of course, I was ‘corrected’ and psychiatrically labeled for telling them so. It has continued without resolution ever since and the fault for this continues for fifteen years to be found in me and in no one else. (This is the ‘infinite loop of dysfunctional relating which is being post now on Patricia’s Razor.)
I was also forced out of my job (an ‘effect’ which was expected by the hospital employee who ‘set me up’ for this attack in the first place; an attack for which I have had concrete evidence for many years now, but which those involved prefer to ignore or invalidate for what should be some pretty obvious reasons. My employer was told that I was insane and that thee was ‘no prospect’ of recovery, so you can perhaps imagine how that affected my job and my reputation as more and more people discussed this ‘eleven minute’ diagnosis amongst themselves; no input from me necessary or wanted of course, for NOW I was officially the crazy woman and they could feel quite free to discuss this more openly. It is widely believed as many of you know, that we lunatics have no understanding of what is going on around us, since that is the premise of our diagnosis isn’t it; the failure to perceive reality like those ‘normal ‘ others who are all convinced they know better. Once it is official, we can be discussed endlessly in the third person from four feet away like we are not there. MY entire life in the community was, and still is, affected in an extreme way of course and I also suffered what I have come to think of as an ‘iatrogenic’ breakdown. This was caused by a formalized ‘schizogenic’ system, which does a whole lot of mimicking of any other dysfunctional group relationship. In fact, all such systems now seem pretty much interchangeable to me.

So, it is true that I am still ‘whining’ about that, (that is quite an interesting minimizing type word isn’t it?) I also expect that I will continue to ‘whine’ abut having my unimportant life destroyed by this mob of know it alls, until or unless there are some admissions, apologies and real amends made, now including some financial compensation which I did not want way back when the damage was only three weeks old. This has cost me plenty and it is not going to be ignored. Nor are those who dictate to others that we ‘can’t blame others’ going to ‘blame’ me for this expectation. What they expect me to ignore or disregard, they, themselves would have hired a lawyer to sue their own attackers without pausing to explain anything to anyone. Perhaps this is because they see their own experience as more real and more valuable then those they reduce to the level of ‘perception/reaction’ problems. What I DID want and still want however, is the right to confront the a**hole who started the whole thing n the first place and I want it done in front of a variety of witnesses.
Maybe we will even get to the point where loudmouthed, ignorant, judgmental and arrogant women like these in the store on Boxing Day will allow it to dawn on them that THEY are among the people doing the damage to my life here. Who knows? Maybe one day they will even manage to connect what they actually do with what I am complaining about. So far though, even after all these years, the majority see no connection at all.
According to the folks in the town square acting it all out for me this week, the ‘party’ (the concrete one allegedly being planned or the metaphorical one being acted out) is now ‘over.’
Anytime you would like to hear more of the non-stop contradictions and multiple versions of my reality, just go out to the streets, malls and food courts and ask almost anyone. As long as they keep themselves deluded that this is all a secret being kept from ME, they will tell you. Of course, you too may have to become one of the thousands of secret keepers so be prepared for that.
Remember though, if you see me, don’t ever communicate directly and always pretend that you don’t know anything. This is vital to the group delusion and to keeping the ‘voyeuristic’ pleasure of Dale T.s’ ‘snuff fantasy’ (‘an eroticization of aggressive impulses’ as Dr. Fenwick referred to it) going to infinite stupidity.
From now on, I won’t be posting a monthly bulletin of the public acting out here. It has already been fourteen years of telling those ‘blameless others’ who don’t want to know, what MY reality is from MY point of view. The point of view on my own life experience is of no interest to them as anything other than an exercise in promoting their own psychiatric fantasy. If this hasn’t penetrated by now, it is never going to, and if it HAS penetrated but they all continue to choose to remain silent about their own participation and worse, to continue to try to cover it up to take care of their own interests, then THAT is clearly about their OWN ‘personality and character disorders’ and not mine for seeing them as they truly are. So on this blog, excepting the explanation of my co-worker protagonist’s so called ‘game’ which will be kept at the home page and following in sequence, I will just rotate the old news going back years for any of those who may be interested.
I am now going to focus on a more direct viewpoint from several angles as shown on Box, (for thinking) Quantum, (for the other psychiatrized people and for emotional expression) Nuts, (for alternative views and news) and Patricia’s Razor for some badly needed local truth.
On the 28th, the locals are taling it over amongst themselves and wondering out loud (from four feet away) what could have gone wrong there?They also continue to share amongst themselves all the gossip they can come up with to share with me as the topic and they still don't know what personal boundaries are, or that it is not acceptable to watch me, follow me around (some of them) and report my movements to others. Perhaps a cop could explain the nature of reality to them?
Heard at willow West Mall as two women about 60ish share thelatest:
Apparently the doctor at the hospital said, "Well I would say we are all pretty much estranged from one another." (then they both laughed wtih the usual inappropriate affects)

As a matter of ‘interest’ which should have you alarmed if you have any brains left to actually think with beyond using them for denial) there were two teens at the library on Saturday, one male and one female, smiling inappropriately as they read up on a Website or perhaps a talk group about how as many as 80 percent of teens being bullied will commit suicide as the only means of escape. They were quietly discussing bullying someone and they were SMILING as they were reading this.
If this does not say anything to you about the state our society is in, largely because of the denial of all of this and the emphasis placed on the VICTIMS to stop ‘choosing’ to BE a victim, then I don’t know what will. If you want to see some ‘inappropriate affects’ I suggest you venture out of those self protective institutions occasionally and listen to the real world attitudes and relationships. The ‘affects’ that need changing are more often than not, displayed on the faces and in the attitudes of those psychiatry defines as the ‘normal’ people, many of whom are inside the system doing the self promoting of the ‘brain disease’ in the ‘perceivers’ routine.

It is time I did a lot more personal observing and assessing of my observers and assessors and expressed MY opinions on who and what THEY are, and what motivates all of them to think and behave the way they do.