Rumour Mill : February, 2006

The Public Rumour:

"As far as he is concerned, that's it."

(this was a "there she is" announcement)
Let's take a look at this statement together, from MY point of view, in isolation shall we?
Perhaps if I point out to you locals every nitty gritty detail of my experience, you will be able to get past your instant assessment and labelling routine and see something new. Now, what could the above statement possibly mean to me, the person to whom there is still no direct communication, nor response, no matter what I say or do BUT, who is still being talked "at" from a few feet away as if I were an inanimate object, or "about" by the citywide community of A.C.T.ors.

First questions to consider:
Who is "he" and what's "that" and "It" to the person, or persons, making this statement? What is "that" and "it" to the "him" being spoken of? Let me offer you some possible concrete possibilities as the framework into which it is possible for the individual speaker to project his or her own beliefs about that. You see, "reality is a matter of perspective" as is said in the training taken by the nurse who targeted me. That is also why he needed all of you to express your opinions about what was going on based upon the vague abstractions he used to lead you into doing just that.

1. possible "he's" known by me:
Is the "he" mentioned here being quoted by someone or is it someone else being talked about in the third person? Is it a doctor? Dale? A cop? A lawyer involving himself?
2. Where did the speaker get this idea? Directly from the "him" inside the statement? Or is it a rumour about one of the many "hims" who constantly seem to have something to say about all of this even though none of the "hims" ever talk directly to me?
3. What is the mood of the "he" that goes with the statement? (since emotional content can also change the meaning of anything)Angry? Happy? Satisfied? Neutral? Bored?
4. What is "that" which is being referred to here? What is "it?" Is it "that's it!" As in "I have identified the problem here?" Or is it "that's It!" as in "I have had enough of this!" Is "that" or "it": "The game? The assessment? The pointless and endless waiting for action? "His" very distant ( and stupid) relationship to me? And would that mean he is finally going to talk like a human being OR does it mean he has given it up altogether and let the whole idea go? Is "it" his effort to resolve? Someone's decision to make me stop trying? What is the motivation of whatever it is that causes him to say, "That's It'? Is it about his concern for the losses of others? For my losses? My talking about it? The stress as the cause? Dale's freedom to get away with it? His employment? The silence about it towards me? The constant yapping about it by everyone else? "His" expectation of integrity from those involved? My real understanding of it?
These are possible meanings I can see in that just off the top of my head. I am sure I could think of even more but why would I bother? It won't solve anything for me will it? I have been bombarded with partial, multiple, contradictory versions of my supposed "reality" for over a dozen years now. Everyone reacts to me based upon the stories they are fabricating, embellishing and passing around themselves. I am not even in the story of my own experience, and I am mocked or ridiculed by many for attempting to inject my self into my own life story....Incredible, but true. Unfortunately, it is not unusual in any way. I talk to people all over the world who like me, are reduced to objects of observation.

I have had my life controlled FOR me by a never ending rumour mill while all involved have refused to respond directly and openly to anything I say, preferring to act as my "interpreters" as though I were not a human being the same as they are. Well, perhaps I am NOT the same as they are. For example I have felt precisely zero interest in the sex lives of bus drivers, unlike many of the other regualr passengers, which is often interpreted as my "anti social" attitude. Life here goes on at the dysfunctional peak; mindless, judgemental, abusive and scapegoating and all of it, of course, is denied and hidden behind a collective social mask which all "normal" people agree to pretend they cannot see through. (or sometimes they are not pretending)
You are seen as the "mechanical anuses" the "stimulus-response machines" of the nurse's "superiority" training, and you still don't get it. But the nurse does, and he also knows that I do too. He is observing the action which he has recreated; the position which gives him his power, on top of the experience.
As you should be able to see by the example of numerous possibilities of meaning given above, all such abstract, vague comments are open to "interpretation." That very point is made in Dale's training exercises, which could be heard as a revelation to some, an accusation to others, or an instruction to those with a different motivation, such as a desire to define reality itself for all others.

My life in Guelph now is no longer run by me. It is run by the groupthink promoted by Homewood staff and all those to whom Homewood feels entitled to "interpret" me. As I live in isolation, without any direct communication from anyone, which I have asked for literally for years, I am being "interpreted and analyzed" still by virtually every group in town, from hissing belligerent teens, to city employees, to righteous seniors, all with a good story to tell to justify their own intrusions and behaviour. This is the game that never ends. As I said years ago, "I do not need an interpreter. Either talk directly to me or shut up. Shut the hell up."

This same so called "game" is being played all over the world. What many of us who talk about it together feel most profoundly is a loss of personal identity, not because of our defective brains, but because of our defective relationships with other people who decide FOR us who we are, what we think, know, experience, and feel and who we are going to BE. And we MUST be who they say to please THEM or we will be forced OUT of the group.
I have been made an object/subject/case. I am the projection screen in my protagonist's "movie" about his own outrageous arrogance. He and all those involved project their own stupidity and arrogance onto me and then react to their own mechanical, sadly predictable script. It has nothing at all to do with who I actually am. I am no longer seen as a human being with the same perception and feelings as those of my judges.
I am pretty much rendered invisible as a human being and I am not ''allowed'' to protest nor confront my abusers, for the mental illness profession has ''validated itself BY invalidating me and my perception of my own reality; in my case, the reality of THEM and what they, in fact, did.
That is why the ''mechanical anus'' who planned this ''game'' and who got all the co-operation with it, smirks. I have watched his eyes glow with amusement many times since, when no one else is looking,for you see, HE knows, that I know, what he did and he appears to get much enjoyment out of watching me try endlessly to escape the trap. Those he manipulated so well like to express their contempt of me, for my ''false'' accusations towards him, and others, who have identified with him. That is who they would ''rather be with'' as is said in the training exercises. ''Really'' officer/doctor,those ''innocent others'' are all just mysti-foggin-fied!''

Next Chapter, Citywide Opinions In the "Theatre of The Absurd" which is Guelph...