As I Observe The Public Observing Me…

…I am reminded of the little scenes acted out for me in the psychiatric hospital while I was still working there. This was back in the ‘joke/game/intervention days of total chaos and confusion; the days of my being diagnosed from a safe distance away. Often though that ‘distance’ was not too great a distance and often was less than six feet.

It was also back when I thought the behaviour of staff was part of a put-on which included me in the ‘fun’, but, it didn’t.

One of these little skits flashed into memory again last night.
As I walked onto the second floor unit to see my client there, three of the nurses were clustered around the desk at the nursing station. (It was an open station then, no walls or enclosures of any kind separating them from the patients or anyone else.) As I walked in past the first ten feet, I stopped and sort of backed up to look to my left. The nurses then ‘assessed’ that amongst themselves. The one with the longest time in service there said to the other two, “Look at ‘er, look at ‘er, she’s looking for HIM.’ (Meaning my protagonist, I’m sure)
This behaviour of nurses of course, went on all over the hospital, including acting out for me the opinions of all other staff members, while I stood there looking at them doing it! This sort of thing is, of course, why I continued to believe they were ‘joking.’ After all, how could such stupid obvious behaviour NOT be a joke?
Of course, I know NOW the answer to my own question was within the question itself. But that was THEN, and of course, this is now, seen with hindsight, just as my protagonist knew would have to occur, if it was to occur at all.

Anyway, back then, there they stood, subjectively projecting there own fantasy version of my reality into my presumed awareness, motivations and actions, totally unaware of themselves. Perhaps my protagonist should explain to his co-workers the difference between fantasy and reality as he learned it from his ‘training.’ Or, perhaps not as apparently, he does not understand it himself.

Just to set the record straight on the reality of the previously mentioned little skit related above, ‘allow’ me to explain to you MY experience from my own perspective; the one no one seems to be interested in considering.

The reason I sort of backed up and looked to the left in that instance was because my bladder was very full and I was looking to see if the ‘occupied’ sign was on the staff bathroom door which is near the entrance.
So, nurses, you were entertaining yourselves again, in your usual group delusion of grandeur, using me like an object, or prop, in your dysfunctional ‘play’ about yourselves. (Dysfunctional Pi) The beginning of your delusion, and the end of It rest on the same point, and exist in yourselves, not in me.

This is the ‘prize’ of understanding, my protagonist, (your co-worker who can’t be ‘blamed’ for anything without dragging you into the mess too) has given to YOU also. You are not ‘objective observers’ outside the ‘game.’ As I told you long, long ago, you ARE his ‘game’ the same as I am, except that I became aware of It and YOU did not.