One More Timely Post

The man I call ‘Intrepid’ now with a beard, is at Cap’s today with two other men. It is said again at Cap’s, ‘Even the university is talking abut her.’ (one of my ‘delusions’)
One evening the police supervisor was at the fire station. Sometimes they like to peek at me from there as well as from other places. There was also a guy walking ‘casually’ in front of me on Speedvale who looked ‘out of place’ let’s say. I think he was one of the more polite members of the ‘There she is! That’s her there!’ club. (my fame seeking delusion)

One of the psych student graduates who has met me has decided she doesn’t like me at all now since she has heard at the university who I am. (don’t know which version she got of course. No direct communication at all.Some are of the opinion that I am really stupid for thinking that he was, or is, trying to trap me. (was I, and I am not still trapped?)

The woman from Homewood (who had me pointed out to her by the 55ish man wearing shorts, thin, and with very short hair) was seen by me deep in conversation with the dark haired woman with the bracelet tattoo on the back of her right wrist. Other connections in this for tattoo gal are the White House apartments (? Which may mean Myrna again) and also as an employee at Food Basics on Eramosa.

Tina and Peggy pass by the square again. Though they often show their disapproval when six feet away, at two feet they pretend they don’t know me at all. (I guess I can see them at two feet huh?) One day, Tina was on the Woodlawn bus so I sat down right behind her. Ever so carefully she observed me from the side of her head, making a puzzled face while pretending to look at the house along the way. Seated right I front of her was one of the old women who helps to spread all the latest crap that she’s heard. (“Do you know who THAT is? Careful now. Don’t let her see you looking.”) Then they put their heads together and whisper so I won’t notice them! I was tempted to introduce them to each other so that they could compare stories but them I remembered the ‘no confronting anyone in public’ rule, as dictated to me by three of the eight psychiatrists ‘helping’ me. I managed to stop myself in time.

Some of the library staff were told by someone to watch me and see if I am publishing. They also think I look so ordinary and unassuming. (as what I wondered? For a smart person? For a man crazy woman who will go for anything that moves? For a schizophrenic? For an old porn star as I was rumored by some to be? For poor Dales’ stalker? )

Kathy B. and Michael W. pass through the town square while I am there, not recognizing me. At Cap's Tina gives her momma the latest news.
It is said in the square that 'they' (us nuts) are apparently very perceptive so the normal people will have to be more careful about what they say in front of us.

One of the 'hes' is very angry now. Bus drivers think, "you would be angry too if you had to do without for nine years." (NINE (?) years?) It is noted that I have a lot of hostility towards the hospital and later that the hospital was really hostile towards me. (depends upon who is repeating the rumour I think) There is another round of "she had a complete breakdown because of them' which is recircualting throguh the gossip grapevine.

A woman who used to get the daily dish out of Homewood as it was happening, form then bus driver Wayne P. is filling some folks in at the mall and I suspect they, in turn, are filling her in on what they have heard.
Among the group is little ‘Pat’ (I think her name I, unless they were talking about me that time too.) Little senior ‘Pat’ knows Shirley (?) H,, who has worked Dietary Services at Homewood for many years. Shirley (?) is the mother of Lisa H. an R.N. who worked the Hamilton buildings and who stood behind Dale as he gave me his little ‘test,’ an existential type question which I call the ‘green pen question.’ After his little test question, he really went into his act BIG time. It was after that I got ‘set up’ in the hall outside Hamilton 2. He had created ‘’the switch’ right then.

Recently, I have been pointed out to the boys running ‘’the Golden Rule’ at Old Quebec St. using the usual phrase, ‘That’s her.’ Of course, as always, I can never know which version of ‘her’ is being identified? All the little smirks of knowing look the same to me since from my ‘perspective’ they ARE the same. They would have to be connected to concrete detail to be fully understood and since I am kept in isolation so that the participants in this can take care of their own interests, I am never communicated with directly like human beings who want to understand each other must do. These smirking people of course, are denied by Homewood and ‘recreated’ you might say using the vernacular of the nurse in control, as my paranoia./fame seeking, bad brain chemistry. In any case, in response to this particular, ‘that’s her’, one of the Golden Boys states, ‘You’re kidding..’ Then they discuss the fact that I am looking at them and wonder if maybe I know they are talking about me. I do of course, but I must not say so since that will be yet another ‘symptom’ of mine which if reported back to Homewood along with all the other ‘secret’ reports, will only serve to prove my madness yet again. And so it goes for all of us, round and round the same circular arguments to infinite stupidity and ‘incurable’ illness.

Two library employees mouth silently to each other, ‘She knows everything.’ I wonder if they used to be Homewood nurses. Many nurses believe that if they lower their eyes and talk out of the sides of their mouths they are then rendered invisible. One of the Library staff members who was at the West End branch on Sunday is being picked up by the same man I have seen touring the mall and talking in the food court. I think he works there. He is filling everyone in out there on the latest version of my story and my identity as supplied by others all over town, no doubt including the Library staff input. Many of them have also viewed themselves as possessing the power of invisibility as they have pointed me out to each other over the years, three feet away, their eyes all aglow with amusement (or group insanity, depending upon how you view this and from what perspective.) At the Library there, they casually walked around behind me to see what it was I was doing on the computer.

You know I used to think it might be ‘Linda’ the aforementioned man picked up there, but she wasn’t there. I was remembering ‘Linda’ (whom I did not recognize at the time not did I know her name then) talking about me to someone in front of the No frills store on Gordon St. a couple of years ago. I don’t think she saw me then, or perhaps she did not know who I was she was gossiping about then.)

One of the men who has been through the addiction program in Homewood, lived in the house next door to me for awhile. I must saw him chatting in the square recently to ‘John.’ John is the guy who was telling bus passengers one day, as I sat right beside him, that I ‘just thought I was the cat’s ass.’ ( This was one of the times that I thought that people I don’t even know were talking about me.
This reminds me, you may remember me telling you about the contemptuous opinion of me being expressed by a sixty-ish woman, with red lipstick, as she changed buses in the square. She got on the Homewood stop about 8pm in those days a few years ago. I thought she might be a coffee shop volunteer then. Well, she’s not. She was visiting her husband then I think, which means she must have got her news about me from some of those really charming Homewood staff members. She now visits her husband at Riverside Glen and often gets on the bus at 8pm or so.

By the way, the 28 day graduate of the Manor, who used to live in the house next door, used to fill in the staff of Upsdell’s on everything he had heard too. Or at least, his wife or live-in girlfriend did. I think maybe a lot of my ’uttered’ death threats may have originated from the manor alumni. Once, when I was then IN the hospital broken to pieces by my ‘imagination’ running away with me, a male voice sitting in the dining room behind me at supper took the opportunity to make a suggestion to me after my dinner partner got up and left. I heard that I had ‘better keep my mouth shut or we will kill your boyfriend.’ I told Homewood about this in writing of course, and CMHC too some years ago. No one seemed at all concerned of course. (More delusions of mine you know)

A student from the house next door, who, judging from the renewed ridiculing in the community right afterwards was asked a question or two by the police (or someone). He pointed me out last week to his girlfriend (?) aunt? Mother? (She is of indiscriminate age as she is very large) In any case, I see her with him quite a bit and she calls him ‘honey,’ as in, ‘Don’t you worry honey abut that crazy woman next door. She peeked at me through a bookstand at the library. A little later, I looked right at her at the computer terminal and she smiled but without any real sign of recognition that when she sees me and I am looking back at her, I also see her. This is a very constant feature in people I have noticed. I told ken Kruger years ago that I had tested my theory on this that people are ‘unaware’ they are visible most of the time, even though they are standing a few feet away while acting out. It sounds ridiculous and it IS ridiculous but it is also true.

Back then, they were two boys making faces and talking out of the sides of their mouths at an elderly woman in the bus shelter, two feet away from them. I was to her right. (They were upset that she had told the two little mouthpieces that they could not smoke inside the shelter) So they made a face at her and I decided to make the same face right back at them to see what they would do. They saw NO connection between the face they were making at her and the one I made right back at them, even though it was the same face. Instead, they then talked about how crazy I was for making a face at them. They did not recognize the face as their own. Such is the ‘superiority’ of the unmedicated. Amazing. Those who are like this don’t seem to grow out of it until after they are grad students, if then. I wonder why so many university students want to believe they are so much smarter abut life in general than anyone else?

It reminds me of that idiot ‘Kyle’ and his arrogant little friend. These are just some of the boundary violating morons who have crept around the back, like bad spies, to listen at my door. You should have seen Kyle’s act on my front porch, WHILE I was standing right beside him, his moronic pal helping him with the mouth breather laugh, while I looked right at them. I still can’t believe these jerks don’t know how stupid they look and sound. I notice they always seem to need their buddy to support it though. After that incident, when I saw Kyle all alone on the bus, he pretended not to recognize me. No one there with him to support his idiot act you see. Want to know what is really scary about this guy? Kyle, snorting like a fool about what he thinks he is doing in secret, is in Bio-med! May God help us all. I doubt that Kyle ever got that the note on my door at the time was for him and all those like him.

There has been a whole group of ‘door listeners’ including students. Harry the handyman, landlords, and even lawyers offices from the neighborhood. It is truly amazing to me too. Amazing that none of them can connect their own behaviour to the reporting of it. This month, ‘Intrepid’ has hooked up with a library employee I think.

Yesterday, Monday June 27th, in the evening, a guy with a short sleeved white shirt o was kneeling right down at my kitchen window and I think he was trying to see through my closed curtains. I had just come out of the bathroom half naked, believing I would not be seen in my own home, when I turned to see him through the curtain after I got something out of the kitchen. He and someone else then apparently moved towards the front of the house but still near the window and I heard my name mentioned again. (Perhaps I will hear about this on the bus today also. I often do).

It would not surprise me of course if it was someone with my landlord or perhaps another student or someone working for Tina M. It often has been. They like to brief others on me and on how everyone should ‘handle’ me based upon the stories and rumours they themselves are sharing and also spreading. Of course, this is all considered to be a mystery to me, the stupid, unconscious one being ‘handled.'

You want to know why I keep my curtains closed all the time now? It is because this has happened many times before. Everything I say or do is now subject to ‘interpretation’ by others who believe they understand my life experience and reactions to it better than I do. But closed curtains is more likely to get another kind of assessment from those who don’t believe that what happens to the psychiatrized in this and other communities has anything to do with others, especially the public they have so eagerly and blindly involved.

People see nothing at all wrong with trying to look in my windows or listening through the side wall of at the door. Once there was even a hole that had been drilled through my wall from the room next to me. But really, no one has done, seen nor heard a thing, have you?

Well this is all I am going to do for now as far as naming participants specifically and dates etc. I may post some of the other stuff I have sent privately before too long but this will wait for now. I will add more to this blog now in a more generalized way by looking back at all the mysteries and rumour from long ago which were acted out for me all over town and I will show you the connections to others which I have discovered since then. I will also show the utter lack of individual and group awareness of those involved, many of whom continue to believe they are ‘hidden’ in plain sight and can make no connection whatsoever between their endless opinionated gossip mongering and my reports to the experts of exactly that I am as aware of them now as I always was. It is all the more unbelievable in my own case, since the experts to whom I have been reporting this group phenomenon for thirteen years or so, are part of the group who must followed the leader who started the whole thing in the first place! This is the “Pi” of his own creation.

This is why we ‘nuts’ often believe this is being deliberately being done to us by the whole group. For how could all these highly educated people possibly be this stupid? The key of curse is to recognize the GROUP contagion and groupthink in this stupidity. The more people who get involved in this, the faster the collective I.Q. tends to drop at the same time. They move from reason to emotional reaction often fueled by arrogance. Of course, the more people get involved the more obvious they ALL become to us on the receiving end. Their view of events is from the perspective of individual members of a group in relation to one person they have cast in the role of their ‘inferior’ right from the start.

Our view is from the perspective of an individual observing a group of people acting out their groupthink sessions, buying everything someone s is selling them ‘covertly,’ with each member of the group casting him/herself in the role of our ‘superior.’ We break under the enormous pressure applied by the whole group to accept ourselves as inherently defective. Not to mention the community abuse that comes with all of this. This is a pressure neither the groups not psychiatry recognizes as ‘real.’ None of them connect our complaints to their own behaviour. After all, they are all ‘hidden’ in plain sight from someone THEY consider to be stupid, unconscious, and less than human.