Another Spoon of April May and June 2006

So let me ask you all again, "What words am I using that you are unable to comprehend?

Perhaps the then staff of the Hamiltons in 95 remember listening to me ask them that question. Perhaps Marg, or someone on staff in the Manor building, can ask retired bus driver Earl, who helped keep the rest informed of all the latest coming out of Homewood, if THEY remember me asking the question. (Earl sure was shocked when he found out from them that I was also talking to all the involved bus drivers as well wasn't he? At least he sounded shocked when he informed the bus passengers that I had also been talking to the drivers. He just didn't like it when the talked about it over the radio but right in front of me while I was on the bus was apparently OK.

OH yes, must let you all know that my current landlord actually managed to phone me to ask if it was all right if he brought a heating guy into my apartment on Friday June 16th to look at extending the rads into my apartment . Perhaps this is where the rumour originated THIS time that he is planning my eviction again, as acted out in the town square. (Or was it the mall?) Rumour also has it that someone told him they did not think that I had anywhere left to go (Because of all MY false accusations of all the innocent victims here) and that he had replied "Who carerrrrres...." Of course this is a rumour so it may or may not be accurate or fully true but since it doesn't matter if everyone else repeats everything they hear about me it shouldn't matter if I do the same should it? If it does, what's the difference?

I am trying to be completely normal by following the example of those who are considered to BE normal. THIS is that model of that, so there can't be any problem....Now my landlord is always very nicely mannered and personable to my face...well OK except for the eyes glowing with an amusement that doesn't quite reach his mouth nor match his conversation, or sometimes the eyes which look down at the floor on the left when he's telling me some interpretation of something, which are like a poker player's "tell", but I'm sure, that HE'S sure I know nothing of any hidden attitudes or agendas he may have. Why everyone involved is quite sure of that. SO sure, in fact, that my reports of it have been diagnosed as quite obvious and usual symptoms of my "madness" of which my employer was told I was without prospect of recovery without "medication" aka: "a little something to reduce your awareness for you."

But let's get back to the larger rumour mill shall we? I have so much to share with all the snarling pushy Guelphites and so little time left to do it. Here's a thought for you; let's ask a representative group of people to give us their groupthink opinion on all of this shall we? A committee of sorts of which I would like to propose the members. How about, Homewood nurses Leslie M, Kathy B. Paul B., bus drivers, Jimmy H. , Wayne C. the now retired Bob C. and Earl, lawyers Patrick M., Tom S., and maybe Linda, Susan ans Steve from the library staff. Good cross section of the interested parties, and maybe we should throw in a cop or two and a para-medic as well? OK so now here is the question under discussion: This comment has been made AT me a number of times in one form or another...

"The all like to blame the whole world for their troubles don't they?"
I was wondering what you all would consider to be "the whole world" in the above assessment? Do the speakers mean themselves as representational of the entire planet? Do they think WE believe they are? Do they believe that their own derogatory gossiping and story telling is having no effect on the minds and lives of the people they are talking about? Do they consider "us" to be deaf and blind as well as stupid or unconscious?

Personally, I don't consider these people to be the "whole world" only a portion of it but, do they believe that if most people DON'T act like THEM, then we should not be affected in any way by those who do?
Let's say that 90% of the population of Guelph is of the non a**hole persuasion. ( I think I am being quite generous in that estimate too) Last time I checked, we were running at about 110,000 people. So, OK only 10% of the population cold be assessed as official card carrying a**holes as defined by my protagonist's little ''game." That's 11,000 a**holes. Question: How many a**holes harassing you mocking and ridiculing as well as causing you various other problems in your daily lives do YOU think it would take to 'tear you down" (as the vernacular of the game puts it) and get you re-created as the "schizophrenic" or some version thereof? This would be done by keeping you under unrelenting pressure and invalidation. Remember now, the MORE you tell the truth, the worse it gets, because the truth of your experience will be heard by almost everyone as "symptoms" of your inherent madness.

So, how many per day do you think? 10? 25? 30? 80? I think we can all see that 80 a**holes out of an 11,000 person a**hole pool certainly isn't "the whole world" but do you think if you were an individual on the receiving end of such a thing, and no one EVER took you side or listened to your complaints that it might SEEM that way to you? When you are done you groupthink assessment of on this get back to me on it will you?

Meanwhile, here is a little Zen-like puzzle for you to work on. In the future I will tag these, "A Slice of Life from the Dysfunctional Pi" :

Have you noticed how those who see themselves as our saviours or messiahs always look for the messiah complex in those they are trying to save? Have you also noticed that if they FIND a messiah complex, or even "think" that they have, they regard such patients with great disdain? Guess why I call this blog The "Mirror" ?

Strangers are now smiling at me without the usual dropping of their eyes so that I will not see them.

Betty White
On Being Recognized:"Then there are the ones who seem to think you can neither see nor hear. They nudge the person next to them and point,' Look I told you that's her. She's not as fat as I thought she was.' The fact that they are standing three feet away from you doesn't faze them an iota..."
"A pushy group, drawing support and false courage in numbers, is usually made up of remarkably normal individuals, who would never act that way on their own.""We see NOW in relationship to what has gone on before. It begins to take on a pattern and with any luck even begins to make sense."

Beth R. looks away.
I am pointed out at Zeller's on Stone Road by staff. The cashier who serves me is clearly filled with contempt. She does not look me in the eye but her eyes meet the eyes of the one who pointed me out. Clearly she has bought into one of the negative versions of my ''reality.'' It is said that university students are requesting to work on the same unit where I was. i have heard this rumour before a few years back. They know that I say it is in the concepts and not the details.

A patron at the library think it is just terrible that after more than a decade I am still begging them (Homewood? U.of G.? police?) to talk to me directly and they won't. I am used to it now. it is the case with everyone else "observing the action" also. I am now accustomed to being talked about in the third person like I am not there and having everyone asses everything I say or do amongst themselves, no input from me wanted and no direct communication offered either. They just KNOW everything. There is no need to ask or share information with an inferior. They want me to smile more. I hear that a lot. They want me to put on the facade of manners as they do but they do not want me to find any fault in them like they do in me. it is not the same thing to them.
Tina M. Now knows it is me they are all talking about. My expression, "and that's my BIG but" is repeated back to me from various places.

Did you know the repeat back pseudo-psychic routine from Dale's so called game was also in another organization in which it is called the ''repeater technique."
Someone comments on Homewood staff, "now that she is reduced to extreme poverty, that's a lot better isn't it?"
A guy from Lodder Bros. has allegedly mentioned me to some other trades people. The "doctor'' is a topic of discussion on the buses again.

The Library staff "has been told to watch and see if I am publishing." Who told them to do that? Homewood again? The University? the police? Of course, it's just my life so it's none of my business is it? They all still believe they are a mystery to me. The staff woman with short Gray hair who usually works at the main branch was at West End on Sunday. The man I have seen come to pick one of them up at closing time was there too, so I would guess he was there for her. The same man is at the Mall all the time too keeping the employees there informed of the latest and the folks in the food court must be kept updated as well. We can't leave it all to the same few people all the time now can we. After all, the Homewood staff and their relatives all have jobs to go to, unlike us nuts who "think" the Homewood staff and their relatives are talking about us. Really you people don't behave this way, do you? For there are no victims we are all told, only people who enjoy "self-ruin" as Gordon Warme, M.D. puts it. (Really we WANT this to happen just so we can whine bitch and complain about it. )

Further in the community news flashes:
An A.A. member I.D.'s me for woman on the bus. He assesses me and my situation for her as they observe me three feet away. She asks him, "Who started it, him or her?" he mumbles the answer then says, "It started as a joke." (actually, it started PRESENTED as a "joke" so that Dale could use that angle to get other people , including me, to co-operate with him.)
The dark haired rather short guy who works for CMHA discusses me with another as they stand at the hot dog stand in the square. he has done so for years now, frequently discussing me by name, when he stood near me or passed me on the street, unaware at the time of my identity. The public says that Homewood decided the whole thing was just my fantasy. I am once again said to be not smiling enough. (we do seem to be a world that admires smirking insincere idiots don't we?)

I am pointed out by a guy in a suit to Maurice the downtown cop. ( a few months ago, three young male uniformed cops played the "there is she is" game as I walked towards them through Old Quebec St. They reminded me a lot of high school buddies, poking each other in the ribs) Someone has described my daily life in Guelph this last decade or so as a daily "running of the gauntlet." Of course those who have created all these problems for me MUST deny it as it would not make for good appearances if they did not. One of the Library staff who does not act out like a loon says he thinks that I want everyone to know just what it is like. he is right about that. not just for me but for every person who gets defined in this way for any reason and then has his/her experience of it invalidated.

It is remarked by someone that even though I have worked for this agency for fifteen years, and the gossip is sent back and forth from Guelph to Kitchener, my employer says nothing to me either but just joins in all the covert behaviours. By the way, and coincidentally as always, the surname of the receptionist of my agency in Kitchener is identical to that of the bus driver, now retired, who started the repeat back part of Dale's game and the surname of my supervisor there now is identical to the surname of another ling time bus driver who used to listen to what I said on my answering machine to the staff of Hamilton 2 and 3 everyday. Both the bus driver and my supervisor live in Guelph. I got to listen to them doing this as they drove me to work back when I still had a job. Of course, that was before I was labelled "mentally ill" for thinking bus drivers were talking about me over their radios. (Dysfunctional group Pi. Ask Dale why that is so very amusing to him) They started turning down the radios when I was on the bus after that as apparently someone told them I could hear them and pointed out that perhaps, I might even recognize my own words being repeated back to me.

The tall head shaver and his relative "Jackie" who hangs out at the Drop-In centre a lot assesses me some more. I also have a large number of other assessors who don't actually know me who are members of A.A. or N.A. In part at least, this would explain why some of them would come up from the lecture theatre at Homewood while I was still working there, and let me know that they hoped I burned in hell and that some of them felt an uttered death threat or two was in order. (To date, I have received fourteen of those, all of the "uttered" variety. Not that any Guelphites would behave this way of course since it wouldn't be "reasonable")

Teenagers continue to sneer their contemptuous remarks at me, in my endless quest for "self ruin" whenever the opportunity to do so presents itself. A middle aged woman tells her friend that I am "pretending" to work for the health care agency when "everybody knows that it doesn't even exist any more." (the Guelph office closed here in 99. it's in Kitchener now.) Perhaps she should discuss that with bus driver Louis E. I hear bus driver Randy has offered some misinformation to pass along to supervisor David E.

The 55 ish bus passenger, short hair wears shorts a lot and smirks almost constantly has been seen by me at Homewood, discussing me with bus drivers, and very recently pointing me out to a woman who is a Homewood employee, from the Manor again I believe. This was in the town square. The next day, the same woman got on the bus at the Homewood stop at 210pm, pretending not to know me of course (they are all very careful not to see me once they are closer than three feet) On Monday June 12th, I saw her again deep in conversation with the dark haired gal who used to speculate about my sex life with her morning co-workers at Food Basics on Eramosa where she then worked. She is the one with the bracelet tattoo on the back of her right wrist. She is the one who I think also knows Myrna G., aunt of Homewood nurse Mary G. who has been a continuous source of all the news about me as it comes out of Homewood.

One last word on this post: The Library staff have been "told" to watch and see if I am publishing anything. I wonder who has told them to do that? Homewood? University of Guelph? Police? Some of Poor Dale's sympathetic friends? Who knows. ( but I bet someone will eventually annnounce it to me somewhere as I walk by.......and it will be denied of course....