My Life In November/December, 2005

So.......Allegedly......

Mocking U.of G.students on the bus point out to each other, ''She thinks it's evil....(scornful little laugh) (Yes Beavis.I do think that) other folks remark in the town square, "They never talk to her." A senior table of men at the Mall gets all the latest news out of Homewood from a middle-aged woman I don't know. Several of the men at the table are from among those who found my breakdown highly amusing, their self deluded little eye balls are some of those glowing with amusement as they have discussed me in the past, often from four feet away. (as usual)
Connection? Well, two of the connections I know about are Mr."M" who works as a security guard or maintenance man at the University and who lives right across the street from the late Dorothy P. Who was a long time client of mine. Dorothy, who got her scoops on me from both him and Eddy D. ( a Red Chevron member)always denied she had heard a thing, even when Eddy was filling her in on what he had heard while I was still in the house.
Why do these people do that? Are they "joking"? No. They do it for the same reason Homewood nurses do it...."Don't worry, she (the crazy, stupid unconscious person standing beside us) isn't going to have any idea what we (the savvy, conscious 'superior' people)are talking about." this is because I'm not real smart like the rest of the population of Guelph.
Back to the seniors:
Know who else is a regular contributor to the Mall news at that senior men's table and has been for years? Dale M.,Mall habitue and Homewood Nutrition Services staff member. ( or was anyway)
While I was still working in Homewood, I got much of the opinions on my mental health and character from the acting out of the dining room staff, often from four feet away. Back then of course, I thought they were "joking" and it was intended as part of Dale T.'s "game" (which it was but I don't think I was intended to see that either.")
While the retired boys' table discussed the latest rumours, two women at the next table observed and one said: "This is what they told her was her paranoia."
A thirtyish guy looks at me, pokes his wife and says, "You can never have too many lawyers involved...ha ha ha"
A young male student, 17 or 18ish, told his girlfriend he had just had a weird dream. In it, he was "told this problem with Pat Lefave would be all cleared up before January."
A university student declares of herself, "no one could label me so it can't happen to me." ( I wonder why she believes that? Perhaps it is just the naivete of youth?)
With an amused glow in his eyes, my landlord asks me how the boiler is working. When the topic and the emotions do not match (as is usually the case with some like this one) it is called "inappropriate affect." I have seen a whole lot of this "affect" in the last decade here in Guelph. Unfortunately, most of it is going untreated.
"S" fills the British Flower in on what she heard at Homewood during her summer stay. The Flower reacted as if it were all "hallucinated" conversations and was careful not to "encourage" "S" in her "delusions" about the Mad Doctor. "S" stated "I'm serious" but of course was not taken that way so she stopped talking about it since she was not being heard anyway.
I cut my knuckle on a can creating a wound which was defined as "gaping." Let me share with you all the assessment of me and my stupidity, as shared on the bus by two male university students, three feet away, observing the specimen here. "That's her. "
"Well, apparently she has a cut on her finger."
"So where's she going now?"
"Who knows...Obviously she doesn't know how to deal with THAT either."
"Hasn't she ever heard of running it under cold water...or just putting a little alcohol on it?" (mutual eye roll)
More on this adventure will come as I tell the rest of the tale regarding the staff's perception of it at General Emerg.

Note To Beavis and Butthead With The High I.Q.'s:
You could run cold water on a "gaping" wound for a long time. It won't heal a gaping wound. But since you didn't actually KNOW what the problem was, nor where I was going, your assessment of me and the situation was just the usual contemptuous verbal diarrhea. Ask yourselves a question. Why would you think ANY of this was your business in the first place? Why do you feel entitled to express your opinion about it three feet away? Now these are NOT rhetorical questions. Self awareness comes from SELF examination. Why not try something new as a change of pace?
On the street, a group states, "She didn't do anything to anybody.. It all grew out of their fear and hysteria. She knew what would happen before it did."

For today, I will close with this rather interesting factual piece:
In 94/95, when I lived on Liverpool St., these were the names of some of the neighbours. ( I would give the full names to the Police Service, though I suspect they themselves are involved with at least ONE of them.)
Between my address and the railroad tracks lived the following people" M.B. a therapist at 208. In the basement of that address, across the street from me lived, P.P. with the same surname as Marlene P. the Homewood nurse who once repeated "Trickster" back to me right after I had said that in the "privacy" of my own home. Whe she did it, alone at the nursing station on Hamilton 3, her eyes had the usual twinkle of amusement and the inevitable little smirk appeared. If Dale T. got that information from Marlene M., he may have told Marlene P. to say it to me, telling HER it was a "joke" OR she may have been having a little "fun" on her own. If the former, she may even admit it; if the latter, she is more likely to be "mystified" by my report like almost everyone else.
At 223 was M.F. Same surname as Randall of the G.T.C. and Cheryl F. Recently of the apartment right over my head. I once asked her if she was related to Randall F. but I never got an answer. Instead, she got right on the phone to someone to tell them what I had asked her. She stated she had not answered me as yet and apparently they decided together to avoid the answer and instead, to just treat me as "normally as possible." She told someone else that is the best way to deal with "someone like" me. I wonder if she would find her own behaviour towards me "normal" if she saw it from my point of view? It seems those who try to 'deal' with us do not often consider how bizarre THEY appear to us. She is now gone and apparently divorced from M.F. the same name from Liverpool St. Back then. Mail with that name still arrives for her even though she is gone. I believe her lawyer was J.M. just down the street from me. The one with the same surname as Marlene M. The daughter of my landlord on Liverpool. My but the world seems full of amazing coincidences with no connections or so it seems to us mental cases who are always reading too much into things.
I guess that's why it has been so hard for Homewood and C.M.H.C. to convince me I just imagined it all and that "really" I'm just another genetic defective with a perception/reaction problem caused by a chemical imbalance bubbling up from within my defective brain. Right?
Of course they all deny they do this which makes it my paranoid delusions obviously. For since I don't know about THEIR "covert" behaviour, what "reason" could I have for not being "friendly" and for not "socializing" with them, other than my "mental illness"?
(There has been a great deal of "interpretation" of me done by a lot of people, including the assessment of my avoidance of THEM as my "anti-social personality." I think "interpretations" of other people work best when done "covertly" don't you? That way, the "interpreter" can't be challenged nor stopped.
I cannot imagine why us nuts don't trust psychiatrists nor why many in the U.S. refer to A.C.T.T. as the Abusive (or sometimes Assaultive) Community Traumatization Team. They probably just SAY that to "seek attention/fame" since "really" nothing like this actually happens; does it, you experts?
Stay tuned as I have also decided to take a cue from Richard A, Clarke. When he wrote "Against All Enemies" on the Bush Administration, they claimed it was nothing but a work of fiction---so he took that to heart and decided to try his hand at "fiction" by writing "The Scorpion's Gate." I have decided like him to put my own talent for "fabricating" to work. Any future resemblance to anyone in Guelph, living or dead, will be purely coincidental.
One more thing. I would send a few people in this a Christmas card but I am not allowed to talk to anyone. In keeping with the covert spirit of a Guelph Christmas, I have written out a card for some, then ripped it up in little pieces and put it in the blue garbage container out back where it is no longer under my control. Hope you get it before it makes it to the recycling depot!