Marching Madness 2009

Marching Madness 2009

So on we go with the never ending game and all it's players all still 'hiding' in plain sight so as to make sure they never get caught or blamed for anything.
One of the ''Fare box Fannies'' informs a bus driver on route 6 that she failed to recognize me from her Fare box Fanny days observing the specimen here from the front of the bus on route 1. I, of course, am still to be oblivious to all of this act if I know what's good for me. Otherwise the other A.C.T. may well be sent out to relieve of my delusional beliefs about it being possible for the population of a city to be behaving this way. After all it would not be ''reasonable'' for people to behave this way, so I must deny it all along with the majority.
Let's do the Street Talk:

They think she's a saint.
They think a witch.
They said it was impossible.
Little does she know ''he'' is working as a janitor.'

One of the long time addicted who hangs around the square all day and seems to have a city employee connection somehow is seen talking to the smirking husband of a addictions unit psychiatric hospital employee. This is the same one who likes to call me stupid, as does her mother, and who used to discuss me (as a ''stranger'' to me at the time) with the wife (another stranger to me at the time) of the handy man ( another stranger to me then ) who used to work at the old downtown dollar store. When I told that I was being discussed by these dollar store employees whom I did not even know, I was told these were my paranoid delusions for did I not see these people would have ''no reason'' to behave this way?
See why it is absurdly funny? These people ARE behaving this way because ''reason'' has nothing to do with this.
I arrive home one day and one of the tenants announces it to her friend, "The bitch is home" ...because she is such a truly 'lovely' lady herself.
Once again on a bus coming from Homewood I get to hear the staff and a volunteer assessing the situation as usual, "He's a real nice guy it's just that he thinks more like a machine.'' "What do you mean?''
''Well if you tell him to do something he does it but you have to tell him what to do.''
Street: ''Well, I think it is a pretty good lesson in respect.''
A bus driver feels he needs to announce that I was back on a bus one day, or in twenty minutes. Apparently this is causing some of them some anxiety for some reason, or perhaps it is just another opportunity to make everything one of my flaws to which they can compare themselves and ''win.'' In fact, there has been a more or less ''need'' to make announcements of my movements for many years now, often by the same ones who were watching my every move in 93/94 and feeling the need to comment on it to their fellow drivers then.(Not that they really do that now or then of course as this would not be ''reasonable'' now would it?)
One of the long time watchers who has a substance abuse problem and a big mouth to go with it sees me at a thrift store and since others are watching and listening he goes into quite an act of holding open the door for me and being super polite. It is quite the performance. The same one has been seen frequently bumming money from city employees and has also been seen by me in conversation with the husband of a Homewood employee (one I used to believe worked there and whom I now know works for the city although perhaps he did work there in the past?) ) Coincidentally, his wife is the same employee who likes to call me stupid from a few feet away, and makes snide remarks about me to others on the downtown streets.
On the bus a teen of about 14 is told by another that there was a seat by Pat Lefave. The teen snorted his refusal by telling the other that his father had told him not to sit by ''one of them'' as you never know what ''one of them might be going to do."
I sure know what one of them (rude teens) are going to do. I have seen and heard it very often. (In my ''imagination'' of course)
Street: "What a love story,''some. one says again as they turn together and look at me, the object of all this ''love'' year after year in part of the never ending rumour mill.
Bus driver: ''It's a phenomenon'' a bus driver tells another passenger. "No he actually told me that,'' says another.
Earring boy keeps watch at the mall some more on the weekend. He is with the blond woman again. The snarling table wiper decides not to make her usual contemptuous face at me today. You don't think she has become aware of her visibility do you? Perhaps there is no one to listen to her highly amusing tales of how stupid/crazy I am today? Why where has Prof. Richard P. gotten to these days? Surely he is still keeping the highly amused photo store worker (or owner) updated on all the latest news flashes including his own opinion and analysis?
And what has happened to ''Jeff' of Mutt and... the tall bald man, glasses who I think has now retired and who hangs with Vin Joy shoe guy to play smirk along with the downtown mall people (In secret of course). Was it something I said or something he heard?Ask the downtown cop ..he can tell you that I am just nothing but a liar just seeking attention....
The Town Crier is keeping abreast of things at the Save Mart as usual. The next day she is seen in discussion with the very overweight female bus driver who was trying to find out where I lived after I got off the bus on Wool....St. about two years ago. She is on Route 6 now. She and a few others of the drivers like to keep track of my whereabouts and of course everything must be thoroughly evaluated according to their consensus understanding. They also like to assess and evaluate all my business for me like where I go, why, how I look, what I'm wearing, my moods attitudes and states of mind. Of course ALL of this is part of the town secrecy so please be very careful that I do not ''spot'' any of you, as you so often like to put it when I am spotting you.
I must say though the Town Crier got on the bus other other day, saw me and did NOT go into her Fare box Fanny act but then it may be because the bus driver was already busy gossiping with another Homewood graduate. If you pay really close attention to those ones who are doing all the evaluating of me (and several of the 'hims' as well) You will see Homewood is a constant common denominator. They are wet drunks or dry drunks, other addicts, 12 Steppers, graduates of Homewood (especially the the Manor) or else relatives of others who have been in H2 or H3, staff members mainly from the Manor or the Hamiltons (but not restricted to those units) and an assortment of their friends and relatives, many of whom feel entitled to express their opinion of me, either NEAR me, or sort of spat out at me (as long as there are no witnesses to their charming behaviour cause who would believe a whack job like me anyway?)

Then we have the other groups like my neighbours who make sure everyone has heard all of the latest gossiping including the maintenance guy for the building who agrees it is all just sooooo funny, and then of course all of these gossips are instructed to ''not let on you know'' so that when they pass all of that to everyone they know, as they have been for over fifteen years, I will have no clue they are doing it. That way when they see me they can pretend they are not gossips and they are not constantly negating me and MY character flaws since I do not know a thing about them. See how that works?

All you have to do really is deny reality, delude yourself that you are somehow concealed while acting out all day, and then re-invent reality in some form that will blame your victim and get you off the accountability hook. Remember though that if the fantasy version of reality does not get passed off well, then you switch to the other dysfunctional ploys like admitting it BUT sighing and claiming the problem is not in what you are actually DOING but rather the target's emotional reaction to what you are doing which you must then declare to be 'inappropriate.' That darlings is how the group works together, as a team to ''create and define reality itself'' for others, while protecting dysfunction and duplicity at all costs.
As Fenwick calls it: "The Family Romance."

The family that is deluded together stays together. Homewood is very much like a ''family'' isn't?
As Fenwick put it years ago in the evaluation of the nurse's training, ''This family is a classic; patriarchal and autocratic."

A group of teens on the street once again decide loudly that I am not the one they are all talking about, (NOT! NO Talking, That is only my delusions) because ''she'' was about fifty then and this woman (me) is only about that now so the woman they were talking about would be about seventy now."
Luckily I had no idea what they were talking about anyway so they could holler it out as loud as they liked and it did not matter.
Two discussions take place with me as the topic and another assessment is given. This time it is a new guy (to me) who has been seen on the 3 bus as well as the #1 and #8. A 'he'' has said (YET AGAIN!) that 'she'(me) ''would not give up like that and that something is not right here." (No kidding eh? I wonder who you could find out from??? 12 Steppers, my neighbours? Nurses? University employees? Who would know what any problem might be with me??) Bus drivers? Other city employees, mail carriers? The demented? Medical office staff? Doctors? Lawyers? School teachers? how will we find out what my problem might be? What a puzzle huh?)
Anyway, the guy who is puzzling this out on the bus today is named Greg. I know this because another one of the people acting out for many years, a young black guy with a big smile, whom I think used to work in Zellers said hello to him. Is the young a Homewood graduate too or is he just getting his information, from someone else who used to work at Zellers and I believe got the news from my ex friend who is a relative of one of the core group of nurses playing the 'game'' with my protagonist?
In any case, let's ask the son of Steven T. (Ryan?) what he believes he understands from the gossip (which does not even exist ) which he got at Zeller's.

Heard on the street between two women as one points and raises a hand to conceal her mouth so I can't see her: "They don't like her at all."
A ''friend ''of one of my building evaluators who pretends she has not made many disparaging remarks about me from a few feet away, and who actually tries asking me to do her school assignments for her stating she would pay me for it , is now once again discussing me with a bus driver letting him know I have turned her down. He shakes his contemptuous little head. I want absolutely nothing to do with this dead beat and idiot parasite and her pushy arrogance. She is another one who doesn't feel I am living ''up'' to her expectations since I am not ''friendly'' to her and doing what she wants. Later this same idiot has another whispering session behind my back at the library, pointing me out at the computer to yet another twelve stepper male and offering her current updated assessment of my character.

Street talk: "Well why would they let someone who has been psychotic work for a health care agency?" (by the way, the public generally believes that ''psychotic'' and psychopath pretty much mean the same thing. usually both are perceived as a character weakness of criminal attitude.

Students on the bus in another assessment session, Lowering their voices so they draw attention to themselves from two seats away: "Apparently she was psychotic." "Oh you're kidding..'' (laughter)

Resident of the apartment building: ''Well I saw him in Homewood (where she once was a patient herself) but I don't know if I would recognize him now as it has been quite a few years.'' (The doctor, my boyfriend, my protagonist?)

Mall evaluation of complete stranger: "well she is probably just depressed. Maybe they should get her in for some medication for that.''
The grey haired guy who worked behind the scenes at the public library makes a sort of painful face at me as he passes by on the street. A pair of openly hostile addiction graduates who live near by act out for me on the bus as do many of them. They like to put on little mocking skits for me which I long ago learned I am not supposed to see or understand on the level of their harassing little acts generally performed to see what kind of a reaction I am gig to have to them. The addicts like to believe they are always pulling off some little con job that someone as stupid as I am would not be able to understand. Frequently they act out neurotic little sexual performances as if they invented it which I think are supposed to shock me or something. In a sense they DO shock me as it was very hard for me to believe that adult human beings could be so gullible stupid and petty, never mind that they think their performance is not seen on the level of a PERFORMANCE being put on for my benefit. That is one of the major acts that tends to confuse those of us who get psychiatrized for seeing what is then denied by those DOING it.

A couple about thirty or so is acting out for me at the library as we wait to get in on Sunday. Today's topic is once again my imagined sexual performance and what I will be saying. This is something I have been treated to many many times over the years. This one this time is being used by the male of the giggling pair to entertain the mindless dipstick with him. The Topic about which I and my secret boyfriend are going to be talking is to be analogous with Doughnuts this time and all the air headed type stupid remarks someone as idiotic as me can make.

My ''friend'' in the building who has never stopped gossiping and making up her own versions of my reality and why I am so ''odd'' has connected to another addict in the building next door who has recently been inside the psychiatric hospital again and getting all of the latest news out of there, particularly the addictions unit. My ''friend'' has been told that the guy turned it around and pretended it was the opposite so people would hear it that way. My ''friend'' asked the other what his name was and was told the same name as the one I told her who did it to me for which I got labelled paranoid and delusional.

My ''friend'' who knows who did this as I told her right after I moved into the same building, while she patronized and ''corrected'' me for it, shook her shoulders with laughter when she heard this news. The one from the other building said, ''well it sounds funny but it isn't really.'' Then they both smiled. I don't think they knew I was on the bus when they discussed it this time, but likely even if they DID know, they would be unable to see me seeing them as they never have so far.
A few minutes later she saw me and I believe she then realized I had been on the bus too so she said nothing at all even after I looked right at her and said, ''Hello RA..." That is because this gal is so ''normal'' in her own opinion.

Apparently later that day the Town Crier was informed also of this latest piece of Homewood information as she hot footed it down to the downtown mall to fill in the one who works at the Save Mart and those she is keeping informed there . These include the Welfare couple who have been acting it out since 94. Now she has added the security guard and the Spanish speaking short woman cleaning staff to the daily update sessions. She blew this one today as I saw her despite the fact that the fat female bus driver who has lately been keeping her informed of when I am most likely to be there as they continue to watch and report my movements for others. see nothing wrong with this continuous boundary violating behaviour, only with my reactions to them which are based on what they delude themselves to believe I know about them and not what I actually know which is plenty.

Neighbour on my floor, reporting to daughter in the hall with the usual contemptuous scowl on her face:''That one just thinks she has to fight the whole world.''
(this woman used to do her scowling inside Homewood as a patient there on Hamilton 2 I believe. Of course I cannot talk about her as I have two signed ''confidentiality oaths'' from both the hospital and the health care agency so naturally they can say anything they like and I cannot anything about them in return. And as we can see these ''confidentiality'' oaths are so very important to the psych hospital. (Pretty good abuse enablement set up isn't it?)

The one in the building next to me who has connected to my ''friend'' in my building has recently been seen by me discussing how she is doing with another of the gossiping cast members.(She has recently been ''inside'' again) In fact, not long ago some of the other patients decided that she is likely the one ''who everyone is talking about ''...not that anyone is of course, as she ''never talks to anyone when she is in there'' and ''they'' say the ''she'' of all the ''stories'' never talks to anyone. So that is all straightened out now as during this last stay in there she got some updated news to bring to the apartment buildings with her. She is starting to meet with other people's approval now that she is ''socializing'' more by joining in with the contemptuous gossips. What a great way to feel like you belong huh? Especially if you can get the focus off your own shortcomings by focusing along with everyone else on one person who is not ''like you'' presuming that being ''like you'' is a ''good'' thing of course.

Now the neighbour, talking on the downtown street about how she is doing is talking to the skinny woman about my age, who smokes
and volunteers in the psych hospital Library and then brings the news from there into the staff at the public library. The first time I ever saw this one was when I heard her discussing me with another drinker out in front of the Eaton centre several years ago, when she did not know who I was and I had no idea who she was either. In other words, if I were to say that in psychiatrese, I would say, ''A complete stranger is talking about me in the town square. I would then be heard by psychiatry as being ''symptomatic'' as that would not ''make sense'' to them and of course everything has to make sense for it to be ''real'' to psychiatry.

Lots of amazing ''coincidences'' huh?

Heard at Downtown library; "She knows almost everything and yet they claim at Homewood they know nothing about it.''

Tuesday March 24th: The smirks seem to be disappearing in the downtown square.
A drug store worker mutters to another newer employee that 'she is very strange' (the one I don't know really at Pharma Plus)(as defined by another drug store worker who used to work in a different drug store and acted out her opinon of me there in my presence also.)
I hear several times over a few days that ''he'' is going to see a lawyer now..."this is done while those announcing it at me strike the observation pose.No doubt they all consider themselves to be invisible.

A Book have been removed from the shelves of the public Library:Peter Breggin's ''Toxic Psychiatry.'' I cannot help but wonder if the psychiatric estabishment connects to the city to let everyone know what books will be banned and what ''allowed.'' Of course I am sure that even if they did make ''suggestions'' they would never say it in a way that could never be considered to be attempts to dictate to others what could be read by the public etc. After all that is what dictatorships do and something like that could never happen here; could it? Still, too much control by too few people with too much power tends to make me hear imaginary alarm bells going off in my supposedly defective head..
One of our alcoholics who has been kept informed of all going on in the psychiatric hospital the entire time is busy passing along all of the latest to the female bus driver on the #3 route today. A little skit and more laughs. One of the recent drunks is making sure my neighbour gets her fill so she can pass it along to the others, and perhaps once again to her daughter who works in one of the nursing homes where the versions of my 'reality'' were shared enthusiastically with the staff there. This too is a ''secret'' so don't tell anyone; at least, don't tell them without telling them to keep it secret when they tell everyone they know. Today the gossips are getting news that this has been going on since 94. (laughter) No doubt they do not see themselves as what is going on since they are all operating ''in secret'' as always. Nor do they understand that is my awareness of their obvious hehaviour that has been ''diagnosed'' as MY ''paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.'' The ''superior'' people NEVER get the connection. The delusions of ''concealment'' won't allow them to get it.
It is like watching and listening to little kids ''fooling'' the grown ups....not done yet...

Several ongoing participants in the gossip fest are seen going into a downtown tavern (Molly Blooms Tavern) today including a woman who lives at 387 who is there as a bartender. Also seen there have been the one I called Beer Belly Blondie all those years ago and his sidekick the one I named "U. of G. Scrag. Both, I have since learned have been in the addictions unit and are now spending their days downtown. She may have been a student at the time (94-95) or may not. I DID see her at the university centre back then observing and assessing me with other students and she was the one acting out on the train to Toronto accompanied by smirking student observers. (You may remember this ''belief' I expressed to psychiatry was one of the ''delusions'' which convinced them I was ''psychotic'' back when I was nowhere NEAR psychotic but predicted I could be made that way if this did not stop.) As with all of the many versions of these ''stories'' I can never know for sure which of them is reality and which the fabrications of the sick society in which I live.. Scraggy also fulfills the guy's enabling ans supplier needs often going to the liquor store for him. Scraggy does not know she is and was visible to me from four feet away although I believe she has just started to suspect that recently.
Heard on street: Have you heard the latest about Pat Lefave?
Neighbours: Well if everybody is talking about it, why doesn't she say something? (which of the ''it's'' would that be?)
Answer: Well I guess some people have their reasons for not saying anything.
Person who lives up the street is talking to one who lives in the building next to me, (Andy)about me, and is saying, "Apparently she hears all about herself on the bus." (I was ON the bus at the time)
I am shouted at from behind a closed apartment door by a man's voice. (one of three likely people) It has happened twice before. All three of the people it is most likely to be are addicted and have been in Homewood. This time he hollers, "Why don't you see how much more damage you can do?"
Students say reading my site and hearing it in class is like getting a double whammy.
The long time male gossip from next door wonders with a bus driver if ''she'' will turn out to be living in his building. If so, he says, he will be saying, "Oh lucky me..." and the pair laugh. Is this because they are always ''seeking attention.'' Is that why they create all this melodramas?
The downtown cop buddies up with bus drivers and (Maurice) the bank parking lot attendant to get the latest for a few laughs.
The Australian mouth piece who just got his Canadian citizenship is keeping the she guy (Vin Joy) informed of his opinion (and he is never without one) on everything. Haven't seen the big guy with him since I mentioned him last month. Bus drivers let The Town Crier All the downtown mall people have a new ''story'' they have passed along. I always know as they have a group emotional reaction when they do. know when I am likely to be downtown so they can ''watch out for me."
Have not seen the forty-five-ish guy who used to pretend he was typing at the library so he could lean in and read my mail and then tell people who I got it from. One of my many ''watchers.'' Of course this is just supposed to be my ''paranoia'' since this group behaviour can't be ''real'' can it?
Those who have been in Homewood getting their addictions topped off are bringing the news from there back to the neighbourhood and in turn passing along all of the latest around the buildings and on the buses and then it gets acted out for me as always. It is till said to be ''amazing.'' Of course it is never just the latest rumours but all the evaluations and assessments that go with them, which someone always acts out as well. These can be counted on 95% of the time to be extremely negative since expressing all this negative emotion is what it is really all about.
Students think I am really sarcastic in my humour (I am) but I am sure that will be psychiatrized too since virtually EVERYTHING can be.
They note that I say that they will talk to everyone and anyone about me EXCEPT me.
End of March Madness for 2009
Stay tuned for April Glowers