The Town Crier acts out some more at Old Quebec St. She has denied telling the other sales woman that she told her to “watch out for her” suggesting I was a thief because several times I looked in the store but did not buy anything.
She also helped create and spread the thief story after someone suggested in my new building that my floors were shiny clean so I must be the one that stole their 'swiffer.' If two stories don't give her the right to slander me then what does? Apparently the downtown cop thinks I am nothing but a liar too and likes to tell some of the citizens....allegedly of course. He does not actually know me either.
Today's act was performed for the Spanish Speaking short woman on cleaning staff and then later for the mall rent-a-cop. Most of her material goes to the Save Mart gossip though and is passed along from her. This may be where the "Welfare Couple'' got the news that I was supposedly 'psychic' back in 95 , and which they, who were, and still are, 'strangers to me talking about me'' acted it out in the town square. Then too, which version as my being ''psychic'' was being by accepted by any of the gossip mongering population, depended on which VERSION they were being fed, often by psychiatric hospital staff. The two main ones were then just as they are today:
1. I really am psychic and it is 'just amazing''
and
2. I am being fed all of this and I am just stupid and/or crazy if I ''really believe that.''
Today, the Town Crier is giving her take on what it means to me to think she is "invisible.'' Of course she literalizes it as she cannot see herself acting it out even now. Do you know why? Because she thinks at that moment also that her acting out is "invisible" to me!
Bus drivers act out on the streets and on the buses and a couple of them put on a display of petty power called "micro aggressions" by psychiatrist (name here) in the essay, (name here) . With them there is the usual body language while they observe and smirk. Sometimes one of them will turn around so that I can't really 'see' him or her while one who observes me with the first one listens and laughs while observing me for both of them. I have learned that this sort of action is very common and that the individuals acting out are unaware of themselves and so decide for me that I am too. This is part of the confusion of 'messages' we get from people all the time.
Two men pass me on the street saying. "Well what it proves is that we don't pay any attention to what they are saying or to what is going on all around us either."
Students:”She is the only one who understood it.
“Well why didn't she just say so then?
“ If she did, would you have believed her?”
“The doctor has just stayed in the background.” (which one of the doctors is that?”)
In my building, a couple of my chronic assessors and evaluators have gotten together after managing to dig for more gossip. They have agreed to let each other know if they hear anything else that on the topic. They do this despite the fact that one thinks the other is too trusting and the other feels “uncomfortable” around gossip number one. Gossip 1 has stated to others that ''people like her”(me) “can turn on you in an instant.” Though neither is aware of the opinions being expressed by the other, both tell third parties about it. Also neither of these two are aware that I know them as they really are including knowing all about their gossiping with me as the topic.
This is why my lack of 'friendliness' towards them is seen as a character flaw of mine and NOT as a reaction to their obvious duplicity and disparaging commentary. To them, they are well 'hidden.' My attitude then could have nothing at all to do with them. "They only found out recently what it all meant."
Heard at the Library: "well what does she want from this guy?"
Street: "He is the asshole who started it all in the first place."
At Old Quebec: "Doesn't his mother in law work there?"
"Are you talking about Artie?"
Street in front: "Well I heard they fired him."
The Shoe Guy continues his evaluations with the guy I call "Jeff" of "Mutt and Jeff". I think he may have been associated in some way with the court and is now retired. Big, mostly bald guy, seen daily at the downtown mall gossiping with the shoe guy and giving his evaluations of the whole thing, including the genetic component to my refusal to let it all go and let all the participants off the accountability hook like a good compliant little victim. (it is about 'them' you know as opposed to the sane people like the shoe guy and company.) When it was stated by someone recently that it was ''a phenomenon,'' a word I have used for years now, The shoe guy had to counter that with one of his own better observations of human nature, his own presumably excluded as usual.
" It is a phenomenon," he said, (laughing of course) why have I never seen this happen in India?''
Well, let me offer a possibility: Perhaps for the SAME reason you don't see it happening here... "
FYI: I have a psychiatrized contact from Nepal who after reading some of my writing contacted me to thank me for showing him some of the missing information from his own experience and letting me know it was really helping HIM a lot. Perhaps this is because the people around him don't see it as a social phenomenon either . (har har har ..we must always laugh at such distress or ideas that others could be wrong mustn't we? Sort of a nervous laughter thing right? )
One of my neighbours has a discussion about the weather with me in the hallway. She uses it as a spring board for ''correction.'' This is one of the many people who discusses me and my 'problems' with all the rest of the folks who feel they 'face' reality better their way by swallowing mood altering drugs and thinking of life as a 'disease' process. After talking about the temperature today and the dampness, she threw in, "We must always be positive." (note the absolute and all inclusive terms connected to nothing specific) and the next weather assessment went like this:"Well whatever life brings us we must deal with it..."(by ''being positive'' and swallowing mood altering drugs)
As I shopped at a Dollerama near where I was just assessed by Peggy and husband next door at Value Village, (It was said by someone passing behind me), "Well she must have a computer if she is buying that."( I was buying a USB extension cable)
This is part of a running commentary of my movements and purchases which apparently much of the population of the city feels they need to do. Once when I was buying groceries at No Frills, a store clerk commented to her neighbour,
''I thought she said she didn't eat meat!''
Then they made the usual disdainful faces at each other and at me. This is a constant feature of my life for the past fifteen years here. Every little thing is assessed and judged according to the understanding of the rumour spreaders. Sometimes like this one, they have a speck of truth in them. Near the time when this comment was being made by these strangers to me I had told one person in my building, that I did 'not eat as much meat as I used to'' but thought of it now as 'seasoning.'
Also that too had to be a point slightly altered and then evaluated in whatever way finds me to be either crazy, or stupid or a liar. These themes are the consistent ones being acted out by the public. I want you to keep in mind too that I do not know these people at all nor do they actually know me except by means of their own 'fabrications."But since those doing the fabricating out number me, who stands alone, they get to define themselves as the ''normal'' ones and me as abnormal for seeing them as they are. In other words, as my protagonist's game tells us, they are 'creating and defining reality it self by group consensus.'
Students on the street: "They think they finally understand it now, so if she knows, then why can't we talk to her?"
(Because the hospital is more concerned about their own interests than they are about doing what is ethical or owning their own behaviour; of course, I was already TOLD that this would be the case by one of the psychiatrist's involved to whom I tried to tell the truth they refused to hear. It was explained to unrealistic me that no one at the hospital would be admitting to anything as it would not be in THEIR interests to do so." Those who deliver speeches on 'ethics' see nothing wrong with their own duplicitous thinking. See why this is such a great 'joke' and why I am so 'stupid' and unrealistic if I 'think' it can be resolved?
Two brown men at the library and also at the mall downtown: "What does she want from this guy?"
On the street: "The Ivy League is not for her."
A ''he'' is asked, "So tell me...how do you plan to undo all the damage you've done?"
Another 'he', or perhaps the same one) says, ''go ahead and do whatever you have to do."
''They say she already knows everything. So how can she sit there and be so calm? ''
(how many times do you think I have heard something like that over the years? First time was in late 94, early 95. Yet it is still ''news'' and being assessed.)
A young father rides on the bus discussing his 5 or 6 year old daughter in front of her in the third person. To his wife or girlfriend he says, "She is never happy about anything. I am telling you, she is going to be a depressive before she's twelve. Likely we are going to have to take her for treatment."
(I am hearing more and more of this all the time. I shudder to think what the generation after this one will be doing to their own children before they are three or four years old. )
Another fourteen year old boy diagnoses his friend's moods by telling him he thinks he has bi-polar. He then adds imperiously, ''you do KNOW what bi-polar IS, don't you? ''
There is a bit more group bonding of university students via ridicule. "Do you think that's Pat Lefave,'' asks one. After the usual display of inappropriate affects another of them says, "Hey, if your looking for drunks we are all over here...''.Har har har
Later, A group of five decide to 'test' me to see If I am her. (I have been ''tested'' and experimented with many times but many people such as these students over the years so this is nothing new.)
The preliminary discussion about what they are going to do comes first and goes like this:
''OK I will say her name and you watch her to see if she reacts to it."
As the group poses to watch for reactions, he says my full name. I don't react. Then the next generation of mental health geniuses discuss my lack of reaction and go into another group assessment of that, as I look at them. This little skit is more or less a constant in my life. I have been ''tested'' and experimented with for over fifteen years now, most of it of course, denied.
''Well what does she want?''asks another, of a third party. (If that wasn't so pathetic after all this time I would still be laughing...for ''no reason'' of course. ) A 'he' has apparently stated yet again, "She wants an apology." (That's a start...It's called putting your money where your mouth is...I want appropriate financial compensation too. I did NOT want it in 95 but I do now. This is fourteen years later and the damage has grown WAY beyond the minimal now. )
(I want you all to be just as public with your admission of guilt, your apology and contrition, as you have been with your arrogance, your judgements, your denial, your self serving attempts at concealment and your ridicule. )
Two women from the apartment building across the street are talking at the bus stop about the gossiping at the other one.
Older one: ''They are only starting to realize how much she knows. Her knowledge of them is only now coming to the surface. "
Heard on the downtown streets: "They think he's Italian.'' and later, "That's her. They think he's Italian."
This is the same remark heard twice before at earlier times in the public psycho-drama. This is the sort of thing that happens all the time of course amongst those who have convinced themselves as individuals and therefore as a group, that they are all operating in concealment from those they have defined as 'less than.' This is why so many of us psychiatrized use analogies like we are dealing with ''people who live like they were CIA agents.'' The analogy fits but of course the pseudo ''CIA agents'', often (but not ALWAYS) our family members, just don't get it. So they reframe our perceptions of them as OUR pathology and not their own arrogance and stupidity.
Teen boy at the mall, either high school or university student, says to his buddy whom he pokes in the side, "There she is.'' The pair look at me, the one doing the pointing out with a big stupid smirk on his face as is the usual case.
I once told my recovery therapist in 96 that as all these people do this, and all look exactly the same to me, I would have to ask each one, each and every time they do it:
Is THIS one of the times you believe I can see you and hear you or one of the times YOU have decided that I can't, and that you are magically concealed from me?''
Basically I spare myself the confusion or the attempt to decipher their ''code'' of belief by ignoring them all and not giving a damn. I have been sick of all the nonsense from all of them and am no longer interested in their group stupidity, and have not been for well over a decade. I have accepted that if they do not talk to me directly, ( and of course, they won't, as they might have to ''find out'' something and feel responsible for their OWN behaviour ) they will remain in their own delusional system of belief and there is nothing I can do about it. So now I talk to other people who are coping with the same kind of abusive, or gossip mongering, idiots as I have to do.
Another 'he' is asked, "Do you think this is funny?" (As I watched this rumour being acted out I wondered if they had been asking my actual protagonist or if some other poor schmuck was being scapegoated now to keep those poor innocent darlings on the psychiatric hospital staff safe from any negative consequences.) If it was my real protagonist, he of course WOULD think this was all very funny since to HIM, "Life is a joke; it's a game, of winners and losers." Maybe he is even starting to actually "get it" for himself now and 'realizes his experience' and that his 'realization'(enlightenment side of the nexus of meaning ) is arriving too late. For how will he now undo everything that he and all others have said and done? NOW, he gets to 'look back'' and see where he went wrong with all that ,"there is no right or wrong 'stuff. He can tell himself that as he ponders the new meaning of "You are responsible for "everything'' that happens to you."
My ex boss makes a never before seen appearance at the library and then hurries to go to see someone down Douglas St. (the observing smirking lawyers perhaps?
The skinny psychiatric hospital Library volunteer who also is in the city Library every day is talking to one of the graduates of the addictions programme as she often is. Perhaps she too is one? Todays' topic is on how this was ''something that was around about thirty years ago.'' (little does SHE know) I believe the guy she is gossiping with today warned her against speaking as it might be me. So she strolled over to push her way into my personal space and then announced to the guy that 'she is just doing e-mail." Well, kind of; I just got all of my evidence copies out of the e-mail where I have had them stored for years.
The downtown cop is now gossiping with Maurice at the Bank of Montreal. He has been gossiping for years with many people.
Another guy is talking to an O.P.P. officer in Old Quebec St. and they both turn to look at me as I pass them.
The Library staff is 'happy for them.'
Now all these things alone may seem ''random'' but if repeated by thirty or so people using almost all the same words, even if only three or four of them preceded their 'secret' announcements with "that's her' or 'there she is' you would have a pretty hard time convincing yourself that it had nothing to do, with you wouldn't you?
One of my new neighbours previously supplying misinformation and lots of less than flattering opinions of me (whom she does not know either other than from their own ''stories'') now tries NOT to run into me in the hallways. How things change. before she was ALWAYS out there. When she wasn't conducting personal interviews of my neighbours that is.
"They say that I just scared the hell out of them." (good they need hell scared out of them so they will stop passing it along to everyone else!)
I see an ex psychiatrist of mine at the mall one Saturday as I am talking to a City Library employee. It is nice to see a psychiatrist who can still blush. It seems to me this may be a sign that he is not so brainwashed he is no longer human. Perhaps he wonders if I am telling his student anything. Tow students later play , "That's her."They are sitting behind me on the bus and so they lower their voices to make me unaware which of course has just the opposite effect. One says, Apparently she is afraid of him now."(I wonder to myself which of he many 'hims' they are referring to today.)
The other responds to the remark with ''You're kidding!" then they both laugh to show us an example of ''inappropriate affects."
This is for me, the fourth or fifth round of this same ''revelation.'' However, I am sure that being psychiatrized, if I compared it to the movie "Groundhog Day" the reference would be completely lost on them. Worse, I may even attract the Gold Brothers and yet another new ''disease' would be invented; Wiarton Willie Disorder perhaps. That way anyone, anywhere who even suggests anything is a repeat performance can be ''diagnosed'' with this ''disease'' which can them be used for political control since the sufferer will no doubt ''have no insight into his/her own illness. "
A "he" has allegedly said to someone, "By the way, she IS very smart but that is a secret too so don't tell anyone.''
The mall crawler with the teardrop tattoo in his face points me out to a blond woman. (Who I am today of course depends upon the rumour of the hour and has nothing to do with me)
One of my new ''friends'' has decided to drop her phony smile. The pushy gossip at the other end of the building has stopped it also and tries to avoid contact now. At the mall A guy who works at NO frills along with his sister, who is a student at U. Of G. points me out from his table to three others. He also lives in a building across the street. They have acted out for me many times, no doubt still convinced it is all a 'secret' being kept from me..
A couple of neighbours nearby have a ''covert'' plan in mind now. They are going to try to connect to people who can find out for them what is going on inside that psychiatric hospital. Luckily, they know many addicts who have made several rounds though there since the beginning and they get much information from both staff on that unit as well as from the older adults unit and from the patients as well.
The public says, "They are going to go after the guys that did it." Naturally then, this has been followed by another round of community scowling and contempt directed at me. Many of the Twelve Steppers are very good at evaluating the lives of people they don't actually know and using the character of those "OTHERS" as the supposed ''provocation'' for their own behaviour.
The sixty five year old twelve stepper who hangs around the square a lot over the years observing the specimen here and smirking passed by me this week. The smirk seems to have gone a bit limp. In fact, he raised his eyebrows seeming somewhat puzzled. he has probably picked up a rumour he couldn't make fit in with my presumed to be nearly unconscious state.
Two cops are seen in the town square talking to a resident of one of the Housing Complexes. She is one of the regulars who also keeps bus drivers informed of all the news she gets. I wonder if this session has me as the topic too or if it another person's turn for assessment by bus passenger?
A Library patron spots me at the Internet computer and comments to his buddy, "I thought she was supposed to have her own computer now? So what is she doing here then?""
On the street: " That one cop was right." Again I wonder about this rumour for I have heard something similar many times before over the years. Who is ''the one cop"? In the past, I have heard that there is a City cop who go it right, then an O.P.P. (maybe one of the ones dragging us 'diabetics'' into the emerg. under psychiatric arrest) a and once I hear a correction of somebody who was saying it was an R.C.M.P. officer so take your pick, including none of the above.
A 'he' has stated, "So now she's afraid of me too." This announcement was followed by the usual inappropriate affect of the community at large: laughter. (''We think people we do not even know are laughing at us.'')
Notice anything there? Or do you still have your heads in the warm dark place where you can feel safe in a sick society?
One of my new neighbours associates from the 12 steppers has actually tried to get me to do her school assignments for her. What makes this behaviour so interesting is that this is also one of the thousands of people who are offering their ''assessments'' of my personality and character to a host of others from a few feet away and who all seem to believe that I will see, hear and know ONLY what they intend me to, and not what they don't. This one likes to find the faults in me often for nothing being friendly ans smiling enough and YET, she is also approaching me to do her work for her. It blows the mind.
Some security staff at the big mall have been seen and heard doing some eye rolling about the behaviour of Homewood staff. One of the common themes near the end of the this month here is that ''everybody has been talking abut this for years and they still won't admit to it.''
In several public places announcements are now taking place about how "I thought she was supposed to have her own computer." (I have been seen you see using the Internet at the Library so the locals have to get on that to as the evaluate that This is all of the utmost importance to them you see as they have completed the job of self actualization and now have all the time in the world to work out my life, my character and my problems for me. Isn't that friendly of them?)
Street: "That's her. He is supposed to love her. isn't that just Soooooo funny''? giggle giggle giggle...
A 'he'says, : ''I am hearing this all around me every day, yet I can't make the connection between what I'm hearing and what she says is happening.''
(because in dysfunction we are all trained not to know and further to give what we see and hear an alternate meaning which will support the group delusion.)
Beer Belly Blondie is still acting out in the town square between trips to Waly's Tavern, Molly Bloom's and the liquor store which he sometimes gets by sending his enabler long time enabler/supplier The U. of G. "S" of my notes who has also been in the addictions wing and is said to have been a student at one time . This is the one who was acting out on the train in 95 while a group of moron university students observed my reactions to her performance as that of a ''crazy'' person. Of course, I understand now that none of these smirking idiots with the amused telltale glow in their self deluded eyes ever understand their own visibility. They all believe they are on a higher level of awareness when in fact, they are on lower one. That is the primary delusional reversal. They know I can see them acting out of course since the act is a deliberate set up to see what I will do. What they don't know is that I am aware they are acting and that I am also aware this is all a deliberate set up to SEE what I will do and how I react. That seems obvious to me but it is NOT obvious to THEM nor is my awareness of them obvious to them. From my point of view I think they are ''pretending'' they don't know I ma aware of them and their motivations or else they know I know but don't care because they are enjoying the abuse so much. That last is sometimes true of a smaller group of the dysfunctional group. But MOST of them are lacking too much self awareness to be aware of my awareness of Beer Belly Blondie acts out in the town square: He tells a fellow sufferer, ''They know all of this but they wont acknowledge it."
An angry faced woman who is a dry drunk acts out her contempt for me from behind me on a bus. She and the woman with her trading angry dry drunk stories belittle me for trying to offer some asked for advice from one of them. This is pretty typical of the dry drunk. They often love the scorn for those who offer them any new ideas for getting away from the perpetual generalized anger they feel constantly when they don't have their fix. Being angry at other people who are not living up to their ''lofty'' expectations often defined as ''socializing'' justifies the possibility of their return to drinking and that is the addict mind set. This is the SAME group of people who repeat over and over again, to anyone who tries to complain about their behaviour and constant self justifications: "We can't blame others."
If it wasn't so tiresome it would be laughable. Listen closely as one of them lectures constantly to third parties about my lack of character. Her pet theme is along the line of "So a few people call you a few names, whats the big deal? (She also refers to me as "The Big Deal"' as if that were my name. By the way, she doesn't actually know me at all. )But DO listen to her very closely and pay attention to how much time she spends getting third parties everywhere to listen to her ongoing tales of woe about how she should not have to take this or that from whoever is not living up to her high expectations on any given day. it's a real hoot to listen to all that ''whining and complaining" that coming from someone who thinks that being talked about or treated badly is no big deal....Unless of course the person being subjected to a few names is HER. As with most of her type, she remains oblivious to herself.
End of Febrary Fabrications for 2009
Stay tuned for March Madness
No comments:
Post a Comment