October Falls... THUD!

October 1: An ex friend’s car is parked along the road outside the psychiatric hospital along with many, many others. She is one of those who have spread rumours everywhere while enjoying ridiculing me as she pretended she did not know anything. Many of her co-workers and others of course, acted this all out for me.
Heard on street: “There she is. Here comes reality.” “She and the doctor proved it.”
On the bus: Male passenger…”So she can predict the future can she? Well, I wonder if she can predict what is going to happen to her if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut?”
Woman in mall: “You know Leslie was at that meeting and she just stood there as if she knew nothing and didn’t say a word.”
Students: (laughing) “They thought she was too calm.”
“She lives in town here and she is a real weirdo apparently.”
“They are both out of towners.”
Students at the Library: “She is afraid of him now.” (I have heard this over and over again throughout the years)
Street: “They blamed HER for it all!”
“She understood it because that is what her father did to her.”
Guy on bus: “That’s her. With what she understands, she could go and get a job at the psychiatric hospital making perfectly good money- But she is just too lazy to bother going to apply there.”
Mike form 387 stops to give/get the latest with Keith S. – who does the yard work for my last landlord and who also had the keys to my apartment which I knew about though my landlord allegedly instructed him too to keep the fact a ‘secret’ from me. No doubt Mike, who has been involved in the no stop gossiping with me as the topic all these years, and which has included bus drivers and others, will now rush back to the apartment building to show his ‘friendliness’ by passing along all the latest to the ‘social club’ there, who will in turn analyze that and come up with another consensus reality for me, which they will keep ‘secret’ just as they have been since I moved there. This is also known as my ‘paranoid delusions’ now being assessed by my new ‘friend’ who keeps all the secrets about me heard, and passed along there, to herself. However, she does offer all of these ‘secrets’ and receives back new ‘secrets’ from people all over both nearby buildings, people across the street, the folks standing and assessing me at the bus stops and on the buses, as well as in meetings and with others she knows in other housing buildings. She has no idea of course, why I no longer bother with her except that this is just another indication of my ‘mental illness”, an opinion she also shares with the neighbours and the social club also.
The drinkers and the drug users are all very connected by group meetings, former and current behaviour, time spent in the hospital addictions unit, chats with hospital staff who are keeping many of them up to date on all the latest coming out of the hospital gossiping grapevine and passing it along to those of them who have never been diagnosed and are basically their owl buddies from their own drinking days, even if they are currently sobered up; which many of them are not.

Bus: A guy talks to a girl about what he has heard about me. They are sitting directly across from me and one seat back. He acts smug and self righteous. She asks him: “Why are you talking like this when she is sitting right there?
He responds by lowering his voice two decibels and responds, “Shhhh…I am trying to psych her out..”
An upstairs neighbour discusses me on the bus with another senior I have not seen before. (I find out later in the same day she too lives upstairs in my own building.) She discusses me while I sit on the bus as not ‘socializing’ with anybody there and she does this complete with hand actions like the thumb jerking back at me which the new woman follows as directed, both of them oblivious to themselves as usual.
A housing office employee discusses me once again with Library staff. Today’s piece of gossip is on this week’s topic. The word ‘psychic’ is mentioned a lot this week. “They think she is psychic” and then they share a laugh together as usual. Of course all of these people, despite all they now know, still consider themselves to be ‘hidden.’ This is not the first time I have seen the same woman share the latest tales with the Library staff. It is kind of like watching the Workfare office employees who I do not know and had never met, pass along all the latest garbage all the way back to 93/94. They still think they are ‘hiding’ too I am sure.
Two women walk by me while pointing me out at the downtown mall,"It sure is a trusting relationship' says one to the other, her emotional tone clearly disdainful. "I just don't get it."
University student: "That's his girlfriend." The three of them then turn and look at me.
One of the participating bus drivers 'testing' me in 95 and now retired is seen at the downtown mall. Brush cut pete still lives here. He started the 'pron actress rumour as an 'amusing' part of the 'test' which was then passed around as reality. (all denied of course)
Dale the loony nurse walked right past me on Speedvale this week- Tuesday at 2:15pm. Neither of is spoke of course, but after he walked by me, he looked back to see if I was looking at him. I was. I kept my potato peeler in my pocket though.
Two Homewood employees got on the bus talking about how the staff was told they were not to ‘talk to her’ directly. They said (once again) that it may cause problems for Homewood if they do.
Two of my new neighbours are at the library again today, acting out for me just like they do in the halls of home. “Well at least she is having fun playing on the computer they say; laughing like usual withal the certainty they have from all the gossip sessions that they understand my life and situation ever so much better than I. They too believe that one of my biggest flaws is the failure to be friendly enough to people like them. That being the case, it is no wonder that they have heard that ‘people are not very nice to her.” As another neighbour likes to say (in secret of course, she always smiles sickly at me to my face) “Maybe if she was a little nicer to people they would be treating her better.” (Sure cause it can’t be them and their behaviour, as I could not possibly know about what they are keeping hidden in plain sight.)

The Australian is in another of his endless ‘corrective’ discussions with the shoe guy again. Mike form 387 is keeping up his Farebox Freddy routine as usual with Bobby pink glasses on e of the bus drivers long involved in keeping up with all the latest coming out of Homewood. He was one of the threesome who was following me around on foot looking for the house I lived in Woolwich St. after the woman driver from the night before parked her bus and watched me to see where I went. (this was over a year ago now) No doubt this is another one of those thousands of coincidences in this that proves my ‘paranoia’. Otherwise it would be rule and the population her would be ‘stalking me by proxy’ again. Artie seems to be conducting interviews with ‘pensioners’ in the town square again.
University students say they thought it was all just ‘wishful thinking.’ They also think the doctors are ‘in complete denial.’ (They sure are picking up all those diagnostic phrases ok aren’t they?) Some point out, “They blamed HER!” (not please how those who preach the ‘no one must be blamed’ thing always manage to exclude themselves from their own instructions on how to be ‘normal.’ )
I have been informed on the street from a long term psychiatrically labelled person that ‘there is not game.” (no one is left out when it comes to ‘correcting’ my perceptions and reactions for me.)
He got his own label after being told it was a brain thing that caused his reaction and not the street drugs and alcohol he was using all the time that triggered it.)
One of the tenant from my building now who is heavily into monitoring the situation passing along information to others and trying to pry more out of others is trying to be ‘friendly’ towards me so that she can pass anything along to someone outside the building. Who knows who it is now?( Could be one of the ones hanging around the mall commenting for years_ usually denigrating of course) There are so many chronic gossips to choose from now that I would never know. Sure makes me feel ‘safe’ to know that half the town is passing along my address and unofficial diagnosis to anyone and everyone. This neighbour still wants to believe I cannot see her as she is.

U of G. students at the Library on weekend: “That’s her. Apparently she has to rush over here to check her e-mail. That’s really important isn’t it? Can’t she just use the public Library? (It seems to be important when it is them. They too use their own e-mail to copy and save material just as I do. They also use the public library. Can’t they just stay at the university where THEY belong? So what is the big deal do you think? Note the language of denigration used to cut me down to size, as well as the assumptions made as they walk by. ) This is emotional not intellectual, even if it is disguised that way.
Street re Dale’s ‘game: “They had never even HEARD of it before.” (Eddy P has. And so had Alan E. but not the others)
More students: “She would be a pretty boring teacher if you asked me. She keeps saying the same things over and over again.”
(Yes I do. And you know why? Because what I say is not really heard; not the first time or the fiftieth time or the thousandth time as you are all too psychologically deaf to hear it. So like all of us who can’t get heard and can’t get away from our attackers either, we have no choice but to just keep on trying.
On bus: “How do you think she knows all that though? ‘
(Answer: Hold up mirror to face. THERE IT IS!)
Female university student: “she is very bitter.”
Male student: “Well wouldn’t YOU be? She has lost everything because of it.”
Three male students have been seen reading alleged reality blog- “her name’s Patricia! “ They shout as if they had discovered something amazing and difficult.
Street: “She doesn’t look like a guy to me.”
Library: “do you think that’s her?” (This is becoming an increasingly frequent question of students, addicts, and the psychiatrized population.)

“They are going to offer her a job’ is an idea that is making the rounds again and being repeated quite often right now. (No more offers of compensation lately though_ guess those good guy rumours were just that huh?)
Also, “He says that he thinks that she thinks she has to suffer.”
A woman who lives in an apartment building across the street and who gossips about her own neighbours including assessing their character is now pumping some of my neighbours for information. The population of the city, working hard at rumour gathering as always, has heard that I live in the building of one of the neighbours who ‘doesn’t ‘t like her; I don’t like her at all!” (Which is not to be confused with the other people she doesn’t know either who moved into her building which she also knew instantly she ‘didn’t like them; didn’t like them at all’ either. I know as I heard her assessing them for the people on the bus too)
Well, the one from across the street has heard that the one they are talking about lives on the ground floor. Does this one who doesn’t like anybody at all know who she means? No, she doesn’t know. (I am sure she will make an effort and get back to Nosy Rosy though.)
Heard at the Library: “He’s a cop.” (One of my stalkers? Last week I heard he was not going to talk to me in case he had to arrest me. Could that be true or is it just another one of the twits putting on a show? I heard that cop one as my ‘boyfriend’ a long time ago too, mixed in with all the other choices including Dale and no one.) ?
Now one of the gossips who lives in the building across the street and who has connected to my duplicitous ‘friend’ is now pumping the blind girl from the building next door for information. Apparently, the one they are talking about at Homewood lives on the ground floor of your building she says. Do you know who that is? (She did not know, so she added a description to it which I have heard her giving to others also. “Well apparently she is quite tall and has short brown hair, does that help identify her? (Nope. It didn’t.) Many years ago this description was started and passed along out of the addictions unit at Homewood and was heard by me many times as those at the unit and all over town, looked for the woman all the staff there was talking about . One guy (who was hooked up with the gal I call the U. of G. Scrag…you know the one I ‘hallucinated’ acting out for me on the train to T.O. for which I was offered awareness reduction medication again?) was even witnessed by me interviewing a middle aged woman with short hair about her sexuality. He was working then for awhile and doing a great job of ‘interpreting’ her ‘strange resistance to his prying. She obviously thought he was an inappropriate jerk pushing and shoving his way into other people’s business or else trying to pick her up. She obviously though he was a weirdo, but of course, he was treating here as “less than’ so that did not dawn on him at all. If you want his opinion on all this which he has been expressing ever since, you can find him daily at Wally’s tavern where Scraggy is often with him as well. He is on his disability pension for addiction now. Scraggy too thought once identified as a student has been seen in Homewood also from the addictions unit. This is also confidential so don’t tell anyone all right?

Back to the bus passenger pumper from across the street; this woman is also getting her ‘interpretations’ of me from my new ‘friend’. She has also pumped the table wipers at the mall food court and discussed me as ‘just ignorant’ with Skinny Minnie another bus stop gossip and the pair of them have put on little acts which they believe I do not KNOW are little acts as if it is affecting me any. It is really quite incredible to observe on a city wide level. My ‘friend’ is currently fantasizing for others the reasons I don’t seem to want anything to do with her. Of course she does not get any of this from me even though it is not complicated at all. In fact, she NEVER talks directly to me about any of the things she has ‘heard’ not even once. She has though acted out her contempt from a few feet way. She is fascinating to behold acting out like she does, oblivious to herself. She is trying to pathologize it so she can keep on believing I don’t know everything she has had to say behind my back. It all takes place in the greatest of ‘secrecy’ as always. The people she gossips to have also acted it all out for me and they too, believe I will see hear and know ONLY what they intend me to and not what they don’t. Group delusion is just fascinating; it really is.
I am going to list what I know about just her on my other website as a separate piece as an example of how the duplicitous split reality to suit themselves and then project their own lack of consciousness onto the one they are ‘interpreting’ for others. It is no coincidence that the ‘interpretations’ used seem designed to make HER look good for others for whom she is interpreting me. There is not a lot of difference between her and I except that I am not spring my opinion of her (and I DO have one believe me) with the neighbours, the people standing at the bus stop, the bus passengers and the retired men at the mall etc. of course, I COULD start doing that and I am sure I would seem more ‘normal’ to most of these people but if this is ‘normal’ I would rather be crazy. Still the temptation to ‘assess’ and evaluate this ‘friend’ is getting stronger all the time. You see ALL these nattering gossip monger s have the same thing in common and that is the delusional belief that they are not seen heard or understood by those they do all the gossiping about. In reality, it is the ‘mysterious’ REASON we no longer associate with them.

A man checked in with staff at the library: “He has heard that I use the computer at the library. His wife told him I do. He wondered if that was her on the word processor now. The staff looked to see and then told him I had already used it that day so now it was not ‘her.’ I was sitting at the internet terminal at the time.

One of my neighbours has heard that I know some of the things they have talked about in ‘secret’ concerning me and what is my ‘illness.’ (As always, the group of gossips pass along all shit to the ones who could not make it to the meeting. These ones then act it out in the halls of the building, outside , at the bus stop and on busses including some of them informing the bus drivers of all the latest poop and the assessments and evaluations thereof. You know; the usual. Nevertheless these people can not understand how I would know any of this since thousands of them are keeping it all ‘secret’ together therefore they fantasized another trait of mine; “I think she has been standing at that door listening to us!” This was proclaimed with righteous indignation. How dare I!
The fact is I don’t have to stand listening to them anywhere. I couldn’t not hear all this shit if I tried since it is being repeated everywhere by all the same types who never stop believing they are magically ‘hidden’ while they pull it all off. It really is amazing to me too but for exactly the opposite reason. I still can’t believe this many people could be this stupid for this long. NO wonder we all think they are ‘pretending’ to be stupid.

By the way when they though I was listening at the door to their secrete assessments, I was sitting on my own couch watching T.V. with the back door open and so were they sitting with a back door open, their voices as clear as if they were right in the room with me)

October 24th, 2008
As I go out one day I encounter a threesome of gossips, the usual group all externally focused on the lives of other tenants as it makes them feel better to compare themselves and cone out the ‘winners.’ Today’s topic is how I almost committed suicide which has been repeated over and over again lately as these things always are when they make the rounds. As I emerged, one of them spoke as always as if I do not know what she does, the second one dropped her yes and said nothing and the third one stated , “well I guess I had better leave’ and then performed her usual scowl which she believes is not seen by me either.
Teens on the bus point me out and say, “They said she was just seeking attention!”…ha ha ha
Hear again at library: “apparently he’s RCMP.” I have heard this many times over the years after a four foot newsflash like , “There she is.”
On bus: “They though she was on E.I. but really she is just a nut on a disability pension. (har har) Other one: “Yeah her nut pension IS her E.I. “ ha ha ha (Nudge, wink)
(wrong again)
The gal from the A& W at the mall and the addicted gal from the building next door sit on the bus one seat away and don’t look at me to see what I will do. I do nothing. As I get off they say to each other, “Did you see that?” The A& W one has filled in the older women on how they ‘aren’t very nice to her’ for example and the nasty faced neighbour she told has replied, “Well maybe if she was a little friendlier people would be nicer to her!”(Harrumph) This same woman has given her assessments of me to other women on the bus also and shares in the gossip sessions inside the building with me as the topic. You get the idea? Now each one of these gossips in their own turn, shares his/her highly overvalued opinion of me, with a group of others who, in turn, pass that along as well. They don’t know why my behaviour is so ‘odd’ and unfriendly since I of course know nothing about their behaviour acted out from four feet away.
Both of these two have discussed me with others many times separately also. Chris the bus driver has another round of gossip about Pat who works for Comcare with a woman in the green uniform which means she is either form Comcare herself or from Riverside. OH by the way, I have been told that there is actually a lot more work for Comcare now and that others see employees form Comcare at the hospital all the time but I get none of course. That changed by the way the instant the eleven minute wonder labelled me as without prospect of recovery and internally defective for continuing to believe that the nurse form hell in fact sis what he did. After all this would not have been ‘reasonable’ for him to do so that you know and if there is anything community psychiatry wants to believe it is that everyone is ‘reasonable ‘ except those who see a lack of reason where THEY don’t see it.
University students don’t understand why I ‘waited until now to speak up.’ I have a separate post to answer that tone on my website. Let’s just start here with this though” What do you think earned me my psychiatric label in the first place? It was not my silence dear.
‘Marion’ the mouth that never stops is standing in front of the downtown mall with another sweet little old lady who is calling someone an a**hole since this pair ‘tried to befriend her’ and she pushed them away.” I don’t think I was the target this time but I have been many times before for this loudmouth who does not actually k now me other than to try to pump me for personal information about the psychiatrized so she could pass that along to all the other ‘normal’ people like her. In any case, if her idea of ‘befriending’ someone is anything like I have seen before from her when she has pointed out her ‘friends’ to bus drivers and passengers, warning them about how fast ‘that one’ can ‘turn on you for no reason,’ I think it amazing that her potential friends have never punched her right in the nose. Oh by the way, one of the residents where I live suggested the same thing about me after hearing a diagnosis, “They can turn on you in an instant.’ Those who are smiling at us all the time and think we buy it often turn on us like this but since it is a ‘secret’ it doesn’t count apparently.
My ‘friend’ decides it is best for her to sit on the bus alone now and I really must agree. You see she has ‘explained’ me to a number of others there including apparently how I told another old ‘friend’ not to bother coming to visit me anymore. She ‘allegedly’ offered this story as justification for her point of view. Clearly if I asked another ‘friend’ like her not to bother this must be a flaw in me as all can see. What else could it be after all; since I only know, what she intends me to know and not what she does not intend. You know none of us nuts make any sense anyway. Her scowling neighbour making the contemptuous remarks across the hall agrees with her too. Why when her relative was ill and dying he didn’t make any sense either, so there you are! AN upstairs neighbour, not the Donut lady but the crossing guard, keeps the neighbours and bus drivers informed of all their takes on the whole situation too. Of course, their neighbours also keep the other neighbours informed, of their opinions of the informers themselves, something the informers do not know which is really pretty weird huh? All of this is passed along to the key holder then a gossip session goes from their, to office staff downtown who like to act out some when people are standing there waiting to be served. On the 29th this month, she was updating Randy VF a long time participant in the event that never was; AKA my paranoid delusions.
A woman on the street says, “She works for Comcare and is saner than Homewood staff.”
The ‘bi-polar woman who knows Myrna G. from Oxford Lodge and Paul R. discusses this ‘patient’ with another woman who is also a contact of my ‘friend’ from the new address. They both live at another housing building I believe. This one has told my ‘friend’ something in the past that shocked her but which she of course, kept to herself. Well anyway, she didn’t tell me anything at all as she never has, though she does share all the gossip she gets with the other building gossips so maybe you could ask them what she found out in the secret world of Neuroticville.
Now the one who lives in housing on Delhi and who discusses it all, with Artie the bus driver, may well be a better sources as she is likely still getting her ‘stories’ from the Homewood through the cleaning staff woman who also lives there. This one worked on the Hamiltons (and likely still works on the Hamilton units) where all the very best ‘stories’ come from in the first place. Now she is a good one to pump as she was there when I was forced out of my job for good in 99 and back into the system for more ‘help’.
Recently, someone suggested the reason I am not friendly with my neighbours is that I might just be ‘shy.’ I am not shy. I am pissed right off. Artie is pretty good at sucking in his cheeks so I won’t see him. Maybe you could all get him to show you how it is done.
A large slightly fat male I don’t know stands in the town square and calls out as I pass, “she deserves something all right…All that over nothing!” (Everything” and nothing are the same thing….ha ha One of game boy’s concepts.) I wonder if this guy learned this from Orin. That is someone Homewood Peggy’s husband knows who gets the stories from him. He and his buddy Don (also seen in one of the housing buildings and belongs to the drunken fraternity have offered a number of their opinions of me to me as I passed by them; usually also in the town square.
October 30th for some reason sees a peak in the gossip mongering. Peggy is also seen that day in her usual spot on the bench at the Homewood parking lot. She works I believe on the unit that has the most vocal ‘guests’ of the system, the ones who are considered to be ‘healthier’ than those of us who whine bitch and complain about them. Now this day she appears to be getting a piece of news from one of those who worked on the Hamilton staff back when I was forced out.
An elderly couple pass by me at Willow West mall offering their evaluation; “Well she doesn’t look upset because she doesn’t feel anything at all. That’s what ‘they’ are like. This is the fourth time I have had this acted out for me. The first time was when it was performed by my new neighbours shortly after I moved in. In fact, my neighbours were poi ting out exactly which apartment I was in to some who went through the back of the property to see that before I even had any curtains up. This first gossip and evaluation session was held in the community room where information was offered by my new ‘friend’ there. She is ;’friendlier’ than I am and was busily offering her ‘interpretations’ of me which she has kept up ever since including giving them, the news that I had very clean floors which led the detective types among them to conclude I must have stolen a ‘swiffer;’ someone was missing. This news was passed along by Nancy upstairs to others on buses and she also told me she would not let me help her carry a heavy bag as she ‘might never get it back if she let (me) hold it.” However, back to my other character flaw here, my ‘not feeling anything at all.’ My friend had told them that I had spent time with dying people on the job so the Nasty Natterers had to assess that as well of course. One of the stated she did not see how I could do that without feeling anything and a man who lives in the building offered his explanation; She can do it because she does not feel anything at all…etc.


This concludes the main points of the October citywide and endless assessment of crazy/stupid me.