September to Remember 2008

Street: “the other guy is really upset about it now.’
(Which ‘other guy’ would that be? Your guess is as good as mine)

U of G. students: That’s her. Did you hear about her and Homewood ?”

Two Riverside Glen employees discuss some of the staff’s behaviour there. “They make fun of her and ridicule her all the time then laugh about it. (Demonstrates a contemptuous little laugh) Like teen aged children mocking someone. They do the same thing at the Elliott. Staff at the Elliot are partly some of those who ones who stated all of this in the first place. It’s just disgusting. But THEY don’t think so; especially the young ones.

Library patron: Homewood can’t understand how she knows all that.

Students: He is waiting for her to do something and she is waiting for him. (Reality check: these students don’t actually know me as anyone other than someone onto whom they project all their own stories and judgements. So they actually have no idea what this is from my point of view. It is as true now as it ever was; with the exception of one or two people who talked to me in private and then DID absolutely nothing about this, no one ever talks directly to me. They are too busy knowing everything, fabricating more versions if ‘reality and then evaluating me based on the ever popular ‘group consensus” which is of course the lesson of Dale’s game. That reality is NOT this fifteen year group behaviour.

Students: “they are both really odd.” (This refers to me and ‘him’ whichever ‘him’ these students believe they are talking about today as my ‘partner.’ Who the assessors mean is still dependent upon which VERSION of my reality they are using as the premise of their beliefs. The most common versions are that I am ‘schizophrenic’ and believe I have some secret admirer. (How bizarre!) I do have a ‘secret admirer and I am just too ‘stupid’ to know that. (There are several possibilities as to who this is of course, such as my ‘boyfriend’ is a doctor and also that my boyfriend is a cop or Dale or no one.) So when I hear about how ‘odd’ we are, I really don’t know which version of ‘we’ that might be. As of my ‘waiting for him to do something’ I stopped expecting any ethics and integrity in this a long time ago. As far as my doing something goes: I already told all the people involved what was going on and I have also told Comcare office when it was in Guelph, the employees involved on Hamilton 2 and 3 before I broke down and the police. I have also told every psychiatrist I have seen and the president of Homewood . The response to all of this is either none at all or intimidation and pressure tactics. If it is not accepted by any of them, Who exactly am I supposed to be going to for ‘help’ that I have not told already? Would that be the nosy neighbours or the retired men at the mall of the store owners at the malls or what?

Female student son a bus: There is that Comcare woman. It was all a long time ago. She needs to become a better person. That is what is wrong with her. (As usual for the last fifteen years, the nineteen year old psych students know just what I need and they also know the problem is not in them or society but neatly contained within me. Of course, I can’t really expect anything else since they are being trained to see themselves as better than those who are going to be brought under their control.

U of G students: “That’s her. Did you hear about her and Homewood?”
It is announced at the Library at the university: “Pat’s here.” (Pair of young men smile knowingly together as they look at me.)
At the public library I am treated to this comment from a young university student who is Spanish speaking: “My, that is a lot of words you have there.” (Complete with patronizing tone.) When I just look at her and then move my notes out of her gaze, she turns to her friend and launches into a little Spanish ridicule. This is the third performance by this same young woman. When I see her alone though, as is true for most of them, she is not so amusing. She then acts as if she were closer to ‘normal.’
University students discuss how Homewood deals with me: “They just ignore her no matter what she says. She was talking about how people act out in front of her like she is not there. I can accept that as ‘real’
as I know that I have done that myself.”
(Yes he has. He is in my notes as one of them doing it. Yet that moment when he was doing it again, I bet he did not see as one of the times when he was doing it again)
Also they note: “She just keeps saying the same things over and over again.
(Right again. And I do so using various angles of approach. Now though focus on yourselves instead of me and ask yourselves WHY you never seem to be able to really quite hear what it is I am saying.

From my point of view it is more like this: “Why is it that no matter how many times I tell them the same things, nor how many ways I try to express it, they NEVER get the point of it? (At least that used to be my question. Now of course it isn’t since I have solved my half of the big ‘mystery.

The old fart, the cigarette smoking man, who is about 65ish and hangs around the square a lot gossiping about me with others, is on the bus with me today and has paint on his jacket. Hmmmm….so does the earring man who hangs out at the mall and who has been seen with one of my new neighbours. I wonder if there is a ‘painting’
“connection there.??
University students and others also say, “He is a Prof. he is retired now.
“But isn’t he married?”
“No. He is a lifelong bachelor.”
(This is another version of the supposed identity of my ‘boyfriend’ who has never talked to me at all.)

As I walk past a small group of students one male says to the others, “Isn’t that the genius...” and they all laugh a bit at the absurdity of such an idea. A repeat of the comment, "they are both really odd; she waits for him to do something and he waits for her."

Public Library staff: “Let’s put it this way…she has a lot of mental experience, if you know what I mean…”
A repeat of the comment, "they are both really odd; she waits for him to do something and he waits for her."
“He says he knows more about her life than she knows herself” laughter of a group.
A couple of the Riverside Glen employees discuss the behavior of the staff there. “They make fun of her and ridicule her and then laugh about it.” (she demonstrates the idiotic tittering style of laughter for the other) Then they go and do the same thing at the Elliott. The staff at the Elliot are partly the ones who started it all. It is just disgusting but they don’t think so, especially the young ones.”
Library Patron: “Homewood doesn’t understand how she knows all that.”
David G. continues to express his negative opinion of me for anyone he can get to listen. Of course he is sure he is not understood by me since I am cast by him in the role of ‘less than. ‘Some of the staff there believes that I am only using the word processor to answer my e-mail so today, Monday the 8th, I intend to give them my website address and let them pass along some more rumours about that.
At Willow West I see the head shaver who when alone pretends he does not know me. The same is true for his relative Jackie.’

There is a rumour of another arrest. It is again talked about how this one seems like such a ‘real nice guy.’ Many of the university students don’t know why I am making ‘such a big deal out of nothing.” The language of dysfunction is alive and well and a constant feature of the university student jargon.

Mike from the building next door gets on the bus this am looks in my direction and turns red in the face. (Ah I said to myself; the gossips are starting to become self aware.)
Kurt, who lives down the hall and is careful to look away from me today of course, says nothing at all. I am sure he will be getting plenty for one of his next door neighbour though.
Two men in the street discuss how I was pushed away from trying to tell them anything.

This am I have discovered a TV camera pointed at me and my writing while I was on the word processor at the library. This is the second TV camera I have had pointed at me lately. The other one was in the town square from a window over a store. Just what I need is to be featured on Rogers Cable TV for the population of my city to observe and evaluate. I turned to the camera person and indicated I did not want to have what I was writing or me featured on TV. Pretty strange huh since one of the ‘symptoms’ of madness is supposedly a belief that we see ourselves on TV! I would bet that writing this will get me another assessment session, concrete reality of course having nothing to do with it.
Some people talk about what ‘a real nice guy he seems to be’ including his neighbour. These announcements frequently come in relation to a ‘that’s her’ announcement by people who look at me.
“They just don’t understand it.’ Kerry R. who has been seen in company of the ‘Intrepid’ guy is seen at the library again and blushed when he sees me.
Two women from the Woodlawn Rd area are on the bus discussing the gossiping of the women at 387 where one of them apparently used to live. ‘Especially the key holder who sits in that front lobby making comments about the other residents and all their visitors. She is worse than any of them.’ (This is a comment I have heard many times before from other people also including many clients I had on the Homecare circuit.)
When I moved into the next building, I was told that, ‘they’ are all fighting all the time over in there.’ (Of course they are.)
The camera shop idiot form downtown still looks around at me when he catches his bus. As always of course, and as I told the mental illness pros years ago, I can never tell when any of them ’think’ I can see them and when they ‘think’ I can’t because it all looks the same to me since it IS the same and the only ‘difference’ exists in their own heads.
A group of university students do another little assessment and evaluation of me and my character from a few feet away. It’s another round of ‘what’s the big deal’? So she was in the hospital for like…what? One day or something? Big deal. It was a long time ago…like pardon me so she off work for abut three weeks…big deal…so now she thinks everyone should be apologizing to her all the time. Like for WHAT!
“So like your saying basically that she is just a bitch.” “what does he see in her anyway?”(sorry don’t know which of the ‘hes’ this would be this time. You would have to ask them and it is likely that they would deny having the conversation as it may cost them something to admit to it. Do you ‘get that?”)
Male student listening to the pair ‘whine’ about me as I pass them: ‘Why don’t you just keep crying about it? That’s doing you a lot of good isn’t it?’
These students were four years old when I was being talked AT and about, exactly like this performance today by those who started it all in the first place along with all those they involved in it and have KEPT involving in it all over town, ever since. These ones,. like their predecessors, see NO connection between what they are still doing and what I told the psychiatrists was being done. But more than that, psychiatry DENIES all of this group behaviour and then reframes my perceptions of that by making it MY problem of perception and or reaction. That makes abusive judgemental people like these who do not know me AT ALL, the ‘normal’ ones for believing it has nothing at all to do with them. It also make same ‘abnormal
For ‘believing’ I see them as they obviously are. No one notices that they STILL have not ever talked directly to me and prefer to continue to believe that consensus realities without any direct to two way communication with the one they are assessing’ is viable! No one even notices this. That is how well entrenched this group behaviour is in the collective mind as a ‘norm.’ It remains absolutely mind boggling even though I now KNOW all of this stuff is believed to be ‘hidden’ from me.
So you tell me: if it all ‘happened a log time ago’ when exactly did this end?

Heard at public Library: “So apparently the stress of it all is what breaks people.”
The staff there gets all the latest news and updates from a variety of people; other city employees, volunteers at Homewood , patients staff from there as well as from university staff. Only I am not to see know or hear any of this and I must agree to deny it all so that the group delusion can be maintained as always. It is the failure to do so which will get me severely punished.

It’s not just the stress either. This is something no one seems to be able handle because it would mean seeing themselves in it as clearly as ‘we’ do. They tend to want to stay focused at all times on the ‘identified patient.’ The world in general wants to be able to contain any negative results so it won’t have to know or (gawd forbid!) change.

It is more like the stressors are denied to exist and this only increases the pressure and even adds to it as the public in general finds even MORE flaws in the targeted ‘sick one’ for just SEEING the stressors and have the gall to say so right out loud. We soon learn though that saying what happened to us in relation to those others who cannot be blamed is a big mistake which will only get us more unwanted ‘help.’ This ‘loopy’ reasoning n the part of the group, is also what closes the system and keeps the one diagnosed as ‘ill’ and ‘not like us’ permanently trapped within it.

One of my judgmental and contemptuous neighbours was discussing me with one of the other gossips on the bus today. Neither of them knows I can see them and hear them and am reacting to who they REALLY are and not who they are pretending they are, in relation to me. One of the comments made by one of them was this one:
“It is just like ‘they’ (for we are almost always classified as ‘they’) just live in a completely different world to ‘us.’ (for they are almost always classifying themselves as ‘us.’)
Interestingly, I find myself making the same observations about ‘them’, especially when I listen to them talking about ‘us.’ There is some real truth in that statement as there is in most of the statements made. It is just that those making the statements hear it attached to a certain premise that tells them ‘THEY’ are in the world of the ‘normal’ (for not seeing and hearing anything) and ‘WE’ are in the world of the ‘abnormal’ (for seeing and hearing something they do not. But that is quite the assumption isn’t it? Amusingly, these two gossiping women were unaware, at that time also, of my awareness of them. Of course that is the ‘normal’ state of their consciousness. I am no longer puzzled by this kind of behaviour as I once was.
Donna the Town crier, just got the latest rumour from someone in the town square who got it from one of the bus drivers.
Heard on the street: “They gave her medication for thinking that bus drivers were talking about her.”
"Is it ever scary,' says a student once again. This too I have heard repeated over and over again over the years but have never been acknowledged personally for any of it.

September 19th addition
More on my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions:

The name of one of the men who used to discuss me with groups of men at the mall is ‘Scott.’ I don’t know if that is his first or last name but he is married to one of the City library staff members. The staff member is one who used to also talk about me to co-workers while ‘observing’ me at the West End rec. centre a few years ago.
Library patrons: “Can you imagine what it would be like to have everybody watching you all the time?”
Donna, the Town Crier, is seen in discussion with the female half of the welfare couple, the same pair who ‘wondered’ out loud in 94/95 if I was really ‘psychic.’
A debate takes place on a bus: “Could that be her?” etc.
“It’s not her. She’s too young. The one they are all talking about is an old lady.’
University student: “I couldn’t see what she was getting at and then it hit me.”

Another one: “She took affirmative action.”
“I heard that she is afraid to leave her apartment.”
“She isn’t afraid to leave her apartment. She is out all the time. I see her every day.”
The new neighbours find some more of my character flaws during the morning coffee klatch. I have a whole lot of flaws for them to find. Of course, they are sure I do not know of any of this which means that they cannot understand my lack of ‘friendliness’ since it is perceived as simply another character flaw bubbling up from within me without relation to their ‘unknown’ behaviour. THAT will likely be in the next group evaluation of me. Thank God THEY are not ‘sick’ like me!
See how well this works?
I am pronounced to be a ‘computer freak’ by one of the charming ladies and they now know, thanks to the ‘interpretations’ of my new ‘friend’ that I am ‘really paranoid.’ One of them sure wouldn’t want to call my agency as they may send someone ‘crazy’ to look after them. This is followed by great guffaws of laughter all round. This is a ‘secret’ though so don’t tell anyone when you are gossiping all day, OK? )(It is more likely I would be asked to look after someone ‘crazy’ but likely who would not see herself that way.)
Now my ‘friend’, who privately agreed not to discuss me, or my personal business, with other residents in exchange for getting the same respect for her boundaries from me, has barely had time to do anything else it seems. She has evaluated me, acting as my unwanted ‘interpreter’ ever since, and has included half the neighbourhood and beyond as well. Of course, this is a ‘covert’ operation too, as it is for all of them.
Bus Tuesday: two women residents of 387 discuss the abstract platitudes I put on my door for them. ((I am actually repeating back to them, or responding to, what they all say ‘without my knowledge.’(wink nudge))
One of them has said, “You know, that sounds like she might be talking about me.” (Do you think it is dawning on them yet? Well, no, it isn’t; not quite yet.)
Street: Apparently ‘he’ is really dreading talking to her now.”
“That’s her.”
“Mike’ and one of the scowling women from 387 enjoy themselves on the bus this morning. The women has acted out for me quite a bit before this almost from the time I moved in there and Mike of course has kept a running commentary going with bus drivers and others of his other sub group the entire time. The woman has made several disparaging remarks about me that I know of even though she does not actually know me at all. She does however, know all the ‘stories’ the ladies and the drinkers like to tell with me as the topic. One of the other story telling ladies once acted out for me that she thought it was wrong of this woman to make comments ‘right in front of her,’ which she once did with this other gossip when she saw HER on the bus. The group believes this group behaviour is acceptable provided they can keep themselves convinced that I do not KNOW what they do. They do this while I am saying that I DO know, but they can’t put the two halves of this same reality together as one.
Today’s; bus entertainment is another round of ridiculing me for calling the police on them participants in this. This public evaluation has been repeated many times over the years too. Basically it goes something like this:
har har har…is she ever a moron(stupid, overly sensitive, whiny, etc. ) She calls the police on people just because they call her names or something…har har har…what a stupid old whack job she is….etc.
What these idiots NEVER understand in this is this fact: I don’t call the police because I am just ‘too sensitive’ or ‘seeking attention’ or because I want them to ‘arrest people’ for being mean to me etc.
I call the police because those DOING this and a couple of them who have allegedly talked their way right into at least one of my apartments, and likely MORE than one, all claim they are NOT doing what they do, that it is all in my defective mind, and that therefore this ‘proves’ I am a mental case who can rightfully be forced out of my job, psychiatrically labelled, drugged, and told that I must put up with all this shit and all the losses it has caused for me, for the rest of my life. I must also do so without ‘whining’ about it, and MORE than that, I must smile at these jackasses who do it, pretend I don’t know what I DO know, and be nice and friendly to all of these geniuses as well.
Can you manage to hear that? I am ‘crazy’ because I ‘think’ you do what you do, and you are ‘sane’ because you ‘think’ I cannot, and should not, be able to see you and hear you doing it!
Library patron: “ Homewood can’t understand how she knows all that.”
Peggy the hospital employee is seen once again in the town square with a group of the psychiatrized around her getting all the latest poop.
A bus driver says to a person on the street that ‘they’ have no voice at all in this. Even the doctors can’t do anything about it.
A theme of the last couple of weeks is this one: “They are even talking about her over in Kitchener and everyone is still pretending they don’t know anything…”
The Donut lady who never stops talking and who had personally acting out much contempt for me as she shared it with others is once again having a sidewalk conference with bus driver Chris. Chris is one of the people I ‘claim’ has been discussing me all these years among bus drivers who have been explained to me to be my paranoid delusions etc. It really does not take an Einstein to see this circular argument does it?
The same bus driver then asked me the next say if I was still working for Comcare. Bet she passes that along to the contemptuous Donut lady, who will, in turn, pass it along to all the nosy Nelliesz and Normans in the building, who operate form behind the ‘normal’ façade which is personable and friendly looking and sounding, when they get together to ‘socialize’ by comparing themselves to all the other tenants who are not ‘socializing’ or acting ‘friendly’ with them. That is how it works when you live in the ‘normal’ dysfunction of ‘them and us.’ Didn’t you psychiatrists know that? Perhaps that is because you TOO are too ‘normal’ to be able to see behind your own well entrenched, and therefore stabilized, fabrication.
Here is an interesting scene for you. This week, while travelling on the bus, I was evaluated by a couple of the drinkers and drug users, (they have a look and feel about them for me, which is pretty well described by Graeme C. actually) I get assessed and evaluated by the town’s drunks and junkies quite a bit. I get to be the ‘female dog’ for them and they show me how ‘weak’ I am since I am not tough enough (like them) to be swearing, hostile, belligerent and a tough user like them, making contemptuous remarks at people I don’t actually know right in their face, instead of hiding it behind a personal façade like the staff at the hospital doe sit instead. In a weird and warped kind of way, some of the addicts are at least honest about their undisguised contempt for me, which is more than I can say about those who operate from behind the well practiced personal façade.
In any case, these ones on the bus were not quite as ‘in your face’ as some of them and their little scene went like this:
They got on the bus and the female sat right across from me as the male sat right beside me. She sort of peeked around him, and then told him quietly (but not quietly enough) out of the side of her mouth (rendering herself invisible like Homewood nurses) “She looks pretty normal to me. She is not acting too strangely or anything.”
Him: “That is because she is all drugged up so she can look that way and be ‘halfways’ normal.”
I am not supposed to be aware of this conversation of course or what it is abut, even though this has become pretty much a standard feature of my life. This is also the kind of thing, once acted out in dozens of people every day, that I used to be believe was done deliberately so I would see it all or that I once believed was being done on purpose in an attempt to drive me insane for the sheer ‘fun’ it was obviously creating for the people who were doing it. I have understood since then though, that most of them are not aware of my awareness of their perfectly obvious behaviour. Only SOME of them are aware of my awareness of them and they are the ones who like to abuse somebody who ‘deserves’ it because the opportunity to do it and get away with it has presented itself. It is how the drunks and junkies (and a variety of others also)‘vent.’ It is often all these same people who have the most practiced phoney overlay of manners and smiles because they use that to keep the attention off their real problem. It is always about them and about maintaining the supply of whatever the addictive substance or action is for them (such as heroine or just plain power over others) that is the focus of their whole life. All done and said is focused on that maintenance.

More announcements for the public: “He has never had any physical contact with her at all.” Homewood’s Peggy is sitting in the town square again and seems to be entertaining a group of former psych patients, most of them addicts.
A bus driver notes that ‘‘they’ have no voice in this at all.’’ Someone else says, “Even the doctors can’t do anything.”
Street scene” A threesome poses, directing itself at me and one says, Well…there’re not really BLAMING her…”
The Town Crier is seen by me waiting for a woman to emerge from a house on Paisley Street where a group of residents live together with the same sort of problems and an endless focus on me. They have acted it out dozens of times over the years and continue to ‘observe’ the action. Now they have more ‘inputs’ from the Town Crier and she can be more popular by taking all the rumours form them back to the new neighbours…..not that ANY of them behave this way of course! I have ‘imagined’ that several of the residents of this house have been seen near or around my new address also. In fact, someone pointed out my exact apartment to one of those watching me right after I moved. Mike for the building next door, one of the people who has kept a running commentary going on the collective version of my reality all these years, is now helping others to pass along my ‘diagnosis’ to more people at the bus stop. “She’s a ‘schizophrenic’ is the one being passed along right now and the building key holder has mouthed it at other tenants as well. She likes to keep other tenants informed of the diagnoses of the ‘crazies’ who live there. More ‘interpretations’ have been offered to the building gossips by my ‘friend’ with the dog whom I no longer actually bother with.
A recent bus discussion was held by a group of thirtyish drinkers: She has no personality at all...” Why would he even CARE!”
He: “careful, she’ll hear you.
She: (with undisguised contempt) “I don’t care if she DOES hear me. I am just saying what I think!” (this sounds like an echo from the Town crier)
Students: “She lives here in town.’
Two female students sit right behind me at the Library: one says , “We’re going to mock and ridicule you…” in the usual mocking tone of voice. The other one, bonding with student number 1, by looking down on a third party together, laughs.
“That’s her’: “‘He’ delivered a lecture and was very serious today.”
Chris the bus driver and the mouthy donut lady have another round of discussions with me as the ‘secret’ topic. The donut lady has made disparaging remarks about me since I moved in starting with “What is SHE doing her? This was asked with a load of it after she had just finished her performance on a bus to the other driver with the limp and the gray hair and moustache. Donut Lady likes to do impressions of people she considers to be her inferiors for those who think it is great entertainment. I think if you look far enough, you will find that she too knows a whole lot of drinkers. It is kind of like a club in town here.

Of course all of this is part of the endless ‘secret’ behaviour that I know nothing about so don’t let me ‘find out’ OK?
Repeated frequently at the end of this month is this: “She is teaching them at the university.” (Wonder what rumour started that one?)
Also repeated over and over again: “They are even talking about her in Kitchener.’
A couple sitting right by me on the bus discuss my insanity: The guy sits right beside me on the same seat and his girlfriend sits directly across the aisle form him.
Her: (talking out of the side of her mouth) “She looks pretty normal. She doesn’t seem that crazy...”
Him: That’s because she’s all drugged up so it doesn’t show.”
Two guys sitting together on a bus:
One to the other: “So she can predict the future can she? I wonder if she can predict what is going to happen to her if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut?”
Skinny Volunteer form the Homewood Library: Hanging around downtown again on September 30th as an assortment of other participants have re-appeared today also; (Like the thin dark haired guy who smokes and told Maggie at my bank that he had the receptionist tell me he was a cop. Har har har) Bus driver Artie points me out to a guy in a suit and I hear my first name. Also the head shaver appears; the guy who works at the university library appears at the public one. (He used to discuss tales of my alleged sexuality with other university staff and lived in my old neighbourhood)
Later, the skinny Homewood volunteer is spotted talking to the Cowboy who lives in my new neighbourhood and has been filled in on other people’s ideas of me by the Town Crier, a former nasty daughter of a former client, (who is now living in housing in the same building where one of the other mouthy drinking tenants lives, one who has made many nasty comments AT me in the town square. (Interesting connections aren’t they?)The boyfriend of the nasty daughter (one who is here to ‘correct’ others, when she is sober anyway) now stands and stares at me in the town square also. Chris the bus driver also knows the friend of “Jackie” the head saver’s relative, and has been seen in conference with her as well. I believe my ex psychiatrist passed by in the town square this last week in September. I did not notice but then those sitting on the town square benches were all looking in the same direction and as one turned to look at me, so I looked to see what they were looking at that would cause them all to turn in unison and look at me.
Two twenty something guys walk past me in the town square, both look right at me then one says “Suckerrrrr.” He looks at the other one and they both laugh.

And this concludes the main highlights of my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions for the month of September.Below is a special announcement:

September 29th
Death of My Mother

Today, I received in the mail, by registered letter, the news of the death of my mother on September the 19th. The ‘private’ funeral was held on September 23rd.

I was notified of this in the same way I was of my father’s death with a slight variation. This time, my elder sister indicated it was from her, whereas last time she did it anonymously as from “Ticket Master’ as if it were a lottery ticket win notification.
Both times, she photo copied the newspaper death notice and taped it to a blank sheet of paper. That is all.

By the way, my younger sister was also sent my change of address at the same time as my parents, and my younger sister was also given my e-mail address as a means to reach me after I had my phone disconnected when I moved. She has never used it.

I think my elder sister used a photo copy as a kind of contemptuous statement from her to me, and it is a misguided shot she it taking based on my father’s ‘interpretations’ of me and what happened to me here, which they all naturally accepted as truth as always.
I had sent them a photo copy of the hand written story of the psychological assault on me by the nurse here along with his co-workers in an attempt to tell them also, what had been done and how. I did that so my sisters could include themselves in the conversation I was having with my parents about it, without the usual covert ‘interpretations’ that were also a constant feature of any attempt to talk to my father. No one responded to that at all, with the exception of my elder sister telling me to ‘F’ off with my ‘photocopies’ and never try to contact her again and my father later on telling me that none of them answered since what I told then ‘didn’t make any sense at all, to any of them.’

This mail is my elder sister’s style so I knew it was her, even if she did not indicate who mailed it the first time. People outside the family think she has a really nice personality and she calls herself a ‘born-again Christian’ too.’

I am sure that this “not making any sense at all" thing must sound very familiar to the psychiatric hospital staff who said the exactly the same thing. All like to ‘whine bitch and complain’ about how I am always ‘whining bitching and complaining’ about being harmed by ‘others’ who are always just ‘mystified’ as to what I am talking about. Therefore all conclude together that I am not talking about anything at all that could possibly make any sense.Period.

So my elder sister told me after this that if I ever tried to contact her again she would never answer me at all. This time though, for her mail to me, with this photo copy on the sheet of paper, she included on the envelope, her new address which I received for the first time, now that the parents are both gone.
I am sure she expects me to ask her why she did this, as I often asked them throughout life, but I won’t be doing that as I know why. I imagine she will offer some version of reality to others also; one that makes her seem like her father’s good daughter which is how she perceived herself. He was a near hero to her in a way he could never be to me. I knew him. My father KNEW that my sister was behaving this way because she believed I was ‘accusing him falsely.’ He said, “These things happen in life for various reasons.” End of subject.

The fact is, it really doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, say or don’t say, feel or don’t feel, as it is my destiny in that family to be wrong for it. I have always been ‘wrong’ for my responses, or for the lack of them. Being wrong is my assigned role.

It goes like this: If I speak up I am just seeking attention AND if I DON'T speak up and defend myself, I am getting just what I deserve for failing to speak up. It is a ‘game’ that no one can ‘win.’ It is all about them and getting their own negative emotional needs met. Family angst has to be dumped somewhere or else it would show to outsiders.

So, my father who acted ‘mystified’ till the day he died and who also knew, that I knew, he was acting, placed this sister in charge of communication. I had told him that she told me she refused to contact me ever again, and that I intended to accept that decision and not bother her.

So now both parents are gone and this time, for the FIRST time, she included her new address on the envelope. Before my father died, he tried to get me to chase after a relationship with her, but he would not tell her that what I ‘accused’ him of was in fact, what he did. He stuck to his story right to the end. For all I know it may have been her who went with him to see my ex psychiatrist in 96, or it may have been his brother. I know someone knows as he NEVER travelled alone. This means that someone in the family KNOWS he was lying and knows that I know it too. Yet they all remain not only silent but protective of him, and blaming me for knowing about it.

I want you to just sit and think about that for a few minutes. Really think about that.

Does this too sound like a familiar pattern? It should. In my nurse/protagonist’s ‘game’ it shows how the group that goes along with the one with the hidden agenda of domination, defends the dominating leader and helps him to attack the victim for questioning him and his right to do so.

The ‘just seeking attention’ bit always got used when someone who had done something boundary violating, got caught doing it, then lied about it, and turned it around to become a perception/reaction problem I was having instead. (This parallels the nurse/protagonist’s ‘position switch.’)