December Frost 2008

In the downtown mall December 1st there is a sign in the second hand clothing store that says,

“Santa, I can explain it all to you.”
Lucy

Then there is an answering sign that says,
“Lucy, You’ve got a lot of splainin’ to do.’
Santa.

Most of that is a direct quote of something I wrote on a phone message board some years ago. This leads me to believe that either this is a pretty good coincidence right down to the exact choice of words, or someone is still trying to give me some ‘messages.’ Since without any direct contact I really don’t know, I can only wait for Godot…..but just in case …the second hand clothing store there is far too ritzy for the state I am in now. My second hand clothes come from church groups and cost a dollar or two or nothing at all.
Currently the residents of housing have a discussion going on how to know who is ‘crazy.’ Here is what they have come up with and have been discussing angrily and fearfully amongst themselves. “Well if they aren’t on a seniors pension because they aren’t old enough, and you don’t see anything wrong with them physically, then you can bet that means they are one of the ‘mental cases’ who are living there.”
Yet public housing is not really an old age home. It is ‘geared to income’ for people who don’t have much money too.
The woman seen wiping off the tables at the mall food court and who gets off the bus near me, is now seen in discussion with the Town Crier, who is then later seen filling in the bus driver on the 5:20pm run on #3 regarding today’s new flashes. She likes to share all the gossip she can get about other people with all other people as well. Is this because she is ‘seeking attention?’ If I said anything to them all about her, I think it would be seen in just that way then. Before this bus bit, the Town Crier was paying her daily gossiping visit to the woman at Save Mart where she and this one who used to work at Silver Dollar, save and pass all rumours. The ‘welfare couple’ who I told you about years ago standing in the town square and talking about my ‘psychic’ abilities, are also at save mart gossiping almost every day too- I have been the topic for them and so have many others. I do not actually know these people nor do they know me but they ‘think’ they do and what they know me by is their own fabricated stories which they keep passing along year after year.
Now these are some of the ‘strangers’ to me who I reported talking about me all time, all over town, all the way back to 93/94. Psychiatry of course knows ‘mental illness’ when they hear it and though they tried to tell me this was my delusions and hallucinated conversations, I did not accept their view or their judgements. That of course is how they “knew’ I was a genetic defective since they could not make me see that it would no be reasonable for strangers to me to be talking about me; therefore, they could not be, so I must be mad, mustn’t I?

The emphasized statement above is the nexus point of reality.

Girl on a cell phone on the bus who has also been heard talking about me in the past: “It happened in 95. – so what’s the big deal now?”
Earring boy is at his mall post watching me as I come up the stairs from Dollerama. The mall watchers and many others elsewhere have my schedule down pretty much and do like to discuss it and evaluate everything amongst themselves. (Of course my awareness of this is part of what needs to be ‘reduced’ with drugs) This is some of what I referred to as being ‘stalked by proxy’ back when the stalkers were working on behalf of Dale and the staff at the Hamilton’s. Now of course and growing with every passing year, there are more and more of them. As soon as I get past earring Boy, out comes the cell phone as usual. He is far from being the only one that does this. Naturally all the observers and assessors of me will have to turn it all into ‘coincidences,’ otherwise reality would be what I say it is and someone might have to get ‘found out’ again.
My new ‘friend’ the story teller and building assessor who has taken on the role of my unwanted ‘interpreter’ des another evaluation of my personality for one of her many ‘friends’ with whom she surrounds herself to keep her own fears away. The one getting the story today lives on Woolwich Street also in housing. She is giving this one her ‘interpretation’ of my reasons for ignoring her. My ‘friend’ feels entitle to be duplicitous with me as she has been since day one since I, of course, do not KNOW this. At least that is how she is deluding herself about it. Most dysfunctional people feel entitled to take on the role of ‘interpreter’ for those who are defined by others as ‘odd’ or ‘mad’ and virtually ALL of them have no idea they are perfectly obvious to us and that their duplicity is the reason we don’t like them and don’t want to be around them. It is idiotic and disgusting to us, but ‘hidden’ to them. My ‘friend’ of course sees no connection between HER behaviour and my lack of interest in having anything further to do with her. The dysfunctional ‘splitters’ generally fool themselves better than they ever ‘fool’ anyone else, especially those they target as ‘less than.’ ‘The Homewood Library Volunteer is keeping the public library staff informed daily of all that is rumoured to be going through Homewood. Today’s’ topic is “Poor Leslie.” (Yes ‘poor’ long suffering friendly Leslie)
My friend is now having another gossip session with “skinny Minnie’ from the building across the street. This little acting out bit was a particularly amusing one to me: After she and the woman get off the bus, my pseudo ‘friend’ stops and in conspiratorial tones says to the other one, “Let’s just wait here for a minute and see what she does.” (I smiled at them, feeling quite amused and then walked home and up the driveway as usual. I would bet that my idiot friend who can’t see past her own nose came up with some ‘interpretation’ for that too while remaining her usual oblivious self)
University student: “Well I don’t like to judge but…I think that is just a little too simple.” The eighteen year olds smile in agreement together.
Street: “They treated her like she was an idiot.”
One of the regular business folks from the downtown mall makes her weekly report to the library people. The latest information offered? “Well apparently she has a little bit of income coming in but not very much. This is followed shortly thereafter by the daily visit (often several of them) of the Homewood library volunteer who has been keeping everyone informed of al the latest for years. She was once a ‘stranger to me’ talking about me in front of the Eaton centre)

Her offering: “Well apparently he has tried to reach her but gets no response from her.”

FYI: No one has tried to reach me and got no response. That is a ‘story.’

Anyone who wants to reach me can go online and do it no problem. They are just not interested. The city police also have my personal e-mail and they do not use it either. However, I hear that some of the employees there too are telling members of the public that I am ‘nothing but a liar.” (No doubt this too will have to be denied and then reframed as MY ‘mental illness.” The library volunteer thinks that a ‘big bear hug’ would do the trick. Yes that is because there is nothing like a ‘hug’ to make fifteen years of community abuse and devastating losses be all right and just go away is there? That is what all us girls really want isn’t it; a nice hug; especially if the’ hugger’ is considered to be good looking by the shallow idiots working at Homewood.
At Old Quebec St. the Dale/Bill guy who has kept many informed of all the latest coming out of twelve step groups for years stops to chat with the Old Hawaiian’ one of the people watching and hanging around the town square all day smirking. I call the informer “Uncle Petrie” as he reminds me of the character by that name on the old ‘Lassie’ series. Most of these downtown gossips are from the addictions programs or have had stays in the Manor program and got all their news from their. Many of the now psychiatrized addicts also now live in Housing and are among the neighbours keeping everyone informed of every detail they can get right wrong or total fabrications as this is how the dysfunctional ‘bond.’ Later, Mike from 387 checks in with Bruce the driver on the #8 route now. Several times now I have heard that the bus drivers have been told they are not to discuss me with the bus passengers anymore. Perhaps Homewood should tell them that no such thing has occurred anywhere except within my defective brain. That should get everyone off the accountability hook OK. That IS the goal of all of this is it not? I have also heard the Town crier is quite put out by that. (Don’t worry. They will find a way around it to get their daily ‘fix in as always. They always do. You don’t stop chronic gossips that easily. )
A new female driver is discussing how SHE heard that I had heard all about what was going on in Homewood by the next day when it was announced over the bus radio. They driver and passenger both thought that was a really funny one. MY psychiatrists of course referred to it as my hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions. (har har)
At the mall, the “cowboy’ who lives one stop down from me and now cleans at the mall and around the food court there, is sitting with the whiny ‘actress’ who is there very day and who also lives in the apartment building across the street with Skinny Minnie.” She is one of the two who put on a show for me one day on the bus to ‘see what I would do’ and the skinny one is also one who evaluates me back and forth with my new ‘friend.’
(See the connections yet or are you still in deep, deep denial about it all?)

The urban cowboy is now discussing me with a woman he has met and the topic is the latest rumours being generated from all directions. Naturally I am expected to be oblivious to all of this as always, since they all consider themselves to be ‘normal’ and I not being like them am obviously abnormal. This is also called ‘reality as defined by group consensus.” Perhaps you recognize that from my protagonist’s training sessions.
Homewood Volunteer library woman has managed to connect with someone in the town square standing in front of the PharmaSave building as someone, who could point me out to her. I imagine she will start being more careful now when she keeps the library staff informed on her daily visits. . (Not that she does of course!)
Two students discuss how it is all really simple and how what they thought it meant was not true at all. They wonder now why they couldn’t ever HEAR that before…”
Street: “she is trying to give them a wake up call and make them face reality.”

It is pretty damned amazing all right how all these gossiping people still cannot manage to make the connection between their own behaviour and my diagnosed ‘hallucinated conversations and paranoid delusions.’ In fact, it is pretty much unbelievable. I guess that is why so many of the psychiatrized who are put through the same damned thing think they must all be ‘pretending to be stupid.’

The Town Crier seems to have gone silent around me lately. Is she catching up on some of the rumours she would rather not know?
Homewood’s ‘Peggy’ spots the Homewood library volunteer coming out as she is heading up the street and the pair give each other the big wave. Then Peggy (one of my constant critics) spots me and the smile falls off her face as she brings up her hand to sort of cover her forehead and eyes. This is one of the employees who repeat their ‘assessments’ of me over and over as ‘just stupid.’ Her mother has acted it out for me also.
A twenty something female is on the cell phone on the U of G bus: “She is on the bus with me right now.” she states to the listener. “I never say her before today, at least, I didn’t know it was her.”
2 thirty five-ish men at the university: “It is amazing. How could all of us be so blind to that?”
Street: “They want her to go to Ottawa.” (Does Joe Bluestein miss me?)
Street group: “The staff at that hospital is just disgusting! And they STILL haven’t done anything about it.”
A new neighbour ‘collapses’ (drunk) and goes to hospital where he gets another round of rumours from the addictions unit and brings it back to share with all the ‘social’ types of the building. Another tenant gets a surgical procedure done at the general hospital and is treated to more of the usual gossiping and negativism form the staff there. This one too brings back more of the community consensus opinion to the building especially because it validates their own contempt; “They don’t like her there either,” the building is told and one who finds delight in all the disdain for others cackles with the usual glee. Many a time I have walked past the laundry room and heard that cackle which reminds me too of “Shakespeare:”
”Double, double,
Toil and trouble.
Fire BURN and cauldron bubble!”

This often repeated consensus of the general hospital staff is then repeated again throughout the building, the dysfunctional ones cackling and snorting in delight. The group delusion of ‘concealment’ of course continues as always. This is why they do not understand my lack of ‘friendliness towards them since I would have no reason which they can see to be so unfriendly towards such lovely people, all of them so well ‘hidden’ behind the façade of smiles, every day manners and discussions about the weather. As always, this goes on despite my quoting back to them all the comments which they recognize as their own words and talk over amongst themselves, while still ‘hiding’ in plain sight! The latest consensus opinions always seem to make it to the bus stops and the bus trips where it is shared with the usual emotional negativism with others offering theirs.
Maurice the parking lot attendant downtown “shows” me to a woman in the bank vestibule. “That’s her,’ He tells her. “Even the police did it.”
A twenty something female is on the cell phone on the U of G bus: “She is on the bus with me right now.” she states to the listener. “I never say her before today, at least, I didn’t know it was her.”
2 thirty five-ish men at the university: “It is amazing. How could all of us be so blind to that?”
Street: “They want her to go to Ottawa.” (Does Joe Bluestein miss me?)
Street group: “The staff at that hospital is just disgusting! And they STILL haven’t done anything about it.”
A new neighbour ‘collapses’ (drunk) and goes to hospital where he gets another round of rumours from the addictions unit and brings it back to share with all the ‘social’ types of the building. Another tenant gets a surgical procedure done at the general hospital and is treated to more of the usual gossiping and negativism form the staff there. This one too brings back more of the community consensus opinion to the building especially because it validates their own contempt; “They don’t like her there either,” the building is told and one who finds delight in all the disdain for others cackles with the usual glee. Many a time I have walked past the laundry room and heard that cackle which reminds me too of “Shakespeare:””Double, double,
Toil and trouble.
Fire BURN and cauldron bubble!”

This often repeated consensus of the general hospital staff is then repeated again throughout the building, the dysfunctional ones cackling and snorting in delight. The group delusion of ‘concealment’ of course continues as always. This is why they do not understand my lack of ‘friendliness towards them since I would have no reason which they can see to be so unfriendly towards such lovely people, all of them so well ‘hidden’ behind the façade of smiles, every day manners and discussions about the weather. As always, this goes on despite my quoting back to them all the comments which they recognize as their own words and talk over amongst themselves, while still ‘hiding’ in plain sight! The latest consensus opinions always seem to make it to the bus stops and the bus trips where it is shared with the usual emotional negativism with others offering theirs.
Maurice the parking lot attendant downtown “shows” me to a woman in the bank vestibule> “That’s her,’ He tells her. “Even the police did it.”
U of G staff: She’s very honest and just says what she thinks and then she adds to it, “Of course, I am not ‘allowed’ to say things like this.’
Library: “They haven’t even apologized to her for it and they aren’t going to either!
(once again just as way back, the rumour makes the rounds again. It is this one: “The Homewood staff and the university students and staff have once again been told by the powers that be that they are not to talk to me directly nor to admit to anything. When I hear this same thing repeated over the years I tend to believe more in more that it is fact and not just ‘rumours.
The woman who tried to direct my use of the computers at the u of g. and who was quite put out because I would not follow her directions showed up at the main branch library one day. She was trying to get tot eh internet from the word processor so I told her, “Y9uy can’t get the internet from here. You have to use the other side. To this, the woman responded, “I don’t want you to talk to me.’ (My punishment for telling her I was not interested in doing what she wanted and just preferred to be left alone please) “That’s fine with me’ I said. She then continued to try to get to the internet from the word processor and threw in a little swearing to go with it . So an employee came over and asked if she could help. She told her she was trying to get to a website, so the employee told her, “You can’t get to the internet from the word processor.” At that, she walked away in quite the huff.
Lady on the street: “Can you imagine what it must be like to have everyone staring at you all the time?”
Two twenty something’s on the bus as I enter and pass them. One says, “that’s her there and they both look at my face; Then she says, “I have this friend who knows her and she told me that he used to call her mother all the time and ask her if she was at home now.” (Would that be Donna perhaps?) “Why would he do that?” asked the friend. “Cause he’s psycho that’s why’ came the response.
Street downtown: “According to him she does not know who he really is.’
(are both the identified males in the above comment the same one or two different ones?)
Woman in front of library: “Imagine having the insight to be able to figure that out like that.”

End of December newsflashes
Stay tuned for the January Justifications.